Original subtitles

Helga: ARNOLD!

( barking )

HEY, ARNOLD!

( glass shatters )

( girl shrieks )

Helga: HEY, ARNOLD!

ARNOLD!

ARNOLD!

ARNOLD!

[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and NICKELODEON]

AR-NOLD!

MOVE IT, FOOTBALL HEAD!

Kids: HEY, ARNOLD!

( school bell ringing )

( door opens, kids cheering )

WELL, THE MAIN THING IS, WHATEVER WE DO FOR VETERANS DAY

IT'S GOT TO BE BIG.

WE'VE GOT THREE WHOLE DAYS.

HEY, HOW ABOUT WE GO BOWLING?

BOWLING? COME ON, GERALD. HOW ABOUT GOLF?

GOLF? ARNOLD, WE DON'T GOLF.

THAT'S SOMETHING YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE OLD.

LIKE WHEN YOU TURN 30.

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO THIS WEEKEND?

WE'LL THINK OF SOMETHING.

I'LL CALL YOU LATER.

GOLF?

Grandpa: WELL, NOW THAT WE'RE ALL HERE

SEEING AS HOW IT'S VETERANS DAY WEEKEND

I THINK THIS IS THE PERFECT TIME TO FINALLY TELL YOU ALL

THE STORY OF HOW I SINGLE-HANDEDLY WON

THE MOST IMPORTANT BATTLE IN WORLD WAR II.

THERE I WAS

ON THE BATTLEFIELD...

UH, YOU KNOW, GRAMPS

I JUST REMEMBERED, I LEFT MY UNDERWEAR IN THE DRYER.

I ALSO LEFT MY UNDERWEAR IN ERNIE'S DRYER.

WHERE YOU ALL GOING?

I'M LATE FOR MY SEWING CIRCLE!

HEY, COME BACK HERE, YOU.

I'M NOT FINISHED, I...

OH, I'LL NEVER GET TO TELL MY STORY.

OH, WELL, I'LL HAVE MY DESERT.

HEY! SOMEBODY ATE MY PUDDING!

OSKAR!

Mr. Johanssen: YOU HAD THE SAME IDEA AS GERALD AND ME.

WELL, OSKAR STOLE MY PUDDING AND I WANTED DESERT

SO, HERE WE ARE.

I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICE

FOR GERALD AND ME TO GO OUT.

I GET SO BUSY WITH WORK AND EVERYTHING ELSE

I DON'T SPEND ENOUGH TIME WITH GERALD.

AND THEY GROW UP SO FAST.

YOU PROBABLY FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT ARNOLD.

ACTUALLY, I SPEND PLENTY OF TIME WITH ARNOLD.

THAT KID'S ALWAYS AROUND.

EVERYWHERE I LOOK, THERE HE IS.

I CAN'T GET RID OF HIM.

AND SOMETIMES I THINK HE'LL NEVER GROW UP.

YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I COULD GET FOR HIS ROOM?

LOOK, I LOVE THE AQUARIUM

AS MUCH AS THE NEXT KID

BUT I'M NOT SPENDING

MY WHOLE WEEKEND LOOKING AT FISH.

KILLER CLOWN AT 3:00.

ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS TELL MY WORLD WAR II STORY

BUT BEFORE I COULD GET A WORD OUT

THEY'RE ALL GETTING UP AND RUNNING FROM THE TABLE.

I'M TELLING YOU, NOBODY RESPECTS VETERANS DAY ANYMORE.

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

I SERVED IN VIETNAM, BUT NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR.

THEY HOLD THAT VETERANS DAY CELEBRATION EVERY YEAR IN THE CAPITAL

BUT AROUND HERE, IT'S JUST

A DAY OFF.

HEY, I ALWAYS WANTED TO GO

TO THAT CELEBRATION.

IT WOULD BE GOOD FOR ARNOLD, TOO.

ALL THESE KIDS CARE ABOUT TODAY IS A THREE-DAY WEEKEND.

THEY OUGHT TO THINK ABOUT THE MEANING OF THE HOLIDAY.

YOU KNOW, THE CAPITAL'S ONLY A DAY'S DRIVE.

THAT'S RIGHT, IT IS.

HEY, PHIL, ARE YOU THINKING WHAT I'M THINKING?

ARNOLD, PACK YOUR THINGS.

WE'RE GOING TO THE CAPITAL

FOR THE VETERANS DAY CELEBRATION.

YOU, TOO, GERALD.

IT'S A ROAD TRIP!

WE'RE SPENDING THE WHOLE WEEKEND TOGETHER.

JUST US MEN. HIT ME HIGH!

PHIL, YOU ALL RIGHT?

GOTCHA!

( laughs )

WELL, AT LEAST NOW WE KNOW

WHAT WE'RE DOING THIS WEEKEND.

IT MIGHT BE FUN.

YOU KNOW, MY DAD WAS IN VIETNAM.

HE'S PROBABLY GOT SOME GREAT WAR STORIES.

I BET HE WAS A BIG HERO.

WHY DIDN'T WE THINK OF THIS SOONER?

I'LL TELL GERALD ABOUT MY DAYS IN VIETNAM.

WE'LL TAKE THE PACKARD AND RENDEZVOUS AT 0600 HOURS, PRIVATE JOHANSSEN.

OOH, I'M SO EXCITED.

I FINALLY GET TO TELL MY STORY OF HOW I WON WORLD WAR II ALL BY MYSELF.

AND NOBODY CAN RUN OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF IT

BECAUSE WE'LL BE FLYING DOWN THE HIGHWAY AT 90 MILES AN HOUR!

GRANDPA, THE SPEED LIMIT'S 55.

I KNOW!

( chuckles )

I'LL TELL ALL ABOUT THE TIME

I WRESTLED ADOLF HITLER HIMSELF TO THE GROUND

AND KICKED HIS PATOOT.

GRANDPA, CAN I JUST ASK YOU ONE FAVOR?

I DON'T HAVE ANY MORE MILK DUDS.

NO, NOT THAT.

CAN YOU JUST, FOR ONCE, TELL THE TRUTH

ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU IN THE WAR

INSTEAD OF ONE OF YOUR CRAZY, MADE-UP STORIES?

CRAZY, MADE-UP STORIES?

WHEN HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU ANY CRAZY, MADE-UP STORIES?

ACTUALLY, YOU DO IT ALL THE TIME.

WELL, OKAY, MAYBE I STRETCHED THE TRUTH ONCE OR TWICE

BUT THIS STORY IS COMPLETELY TRUE, EVERY WORD OF IT.

OKAY.

YOU WANT TO DRIVE?

GRANDPA!

OH, ALL RIGHT

BUT IF I GET TIRED, YOU TAKE OVER, OKAY?

YOU BOYS ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS.

WE'LL GET TO SEE ALL THE MONUMENTS DEPICTING FAMOUS BATTLES

AND THERE'LL BE A PARADE, AND EVEN FIREWORKS!

YOU BETCHA, MARTIN.

AND IT'S ONLY 18 HOURS AWAY!

18 HOURS?!

LET'S HIT IT!

( crash )

( siren wailing )

YOU DIDN'T SEE NOTHING.

I WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOU, DAD.

WERE YOU A WAR HERO?

WELL, THE WAY I LOOK AT IT, SON

MOST EVERYBODY WHO GOES TO WAR IS A HERO.

BUT YOU WERE IN VIETNAM? IN BATTLE?

WELL, I WAS IN VIETNAM, SERVING MY COUNTRY.

DID YOU HAVE A GUN?

DID YOU SHOOT ANYBODY?

THE ARMY ISSUED ME A RIFLE.

BUT BEING A VETERAN'S NOT ABOUT

CARRYING A WEAPON OR FIGHTING BATTLES.

THERE ARE A LOT OF WAYS YOU CAN SERVE YOUR COUNTRY.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT ABOUT MY STORY?

SORRY, PHIL, WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO FIRST?

WELL, MY STORY DID HAPPEN BEFORE YOURS.

PLUS I'M AN OLD MAN.

WHO KNOWS HOW MUCH TIME I'VE GOT LEFT?

YOU'VE GOT PLENTY OF TIME LEFT.

BUT YOU GO RIGHT AHEAD.

THERE I WAS ON THE BATTLEFIELDS

OF NORTHERN EUROPE OVER 50 YEARS AGO

IN JANUARY, 1945.

I WAS A YOUNG G.I. WITH A STRONG BACK

AND A HEADFUL OF BRILLIANT DREAMS.

( snoring )

( muttering ): YES, HEDY, OH, YES.

OF COURSE I'LL MARRY YOU.

OH, YES, RIGHT AFTER I BECOME A BIG WAR HERO.

THEN WE'LL GET MARRIED AND I'LL BE MR. HEDY LAMARR.

THOSE POTATOES AIN'T GOING TO PEEL THEMSELVES, PRIVATE!

UH... YES, SIR, PEELING, SIR.

I WASN'T SLEEPING, NO, SIR.

JUST THINKING ABOUT KICKING HITLER'S BUTT, SIR.

I WAS ASSISTANT COOK IN THE FIRST ARMY.

ALL DAY LONG, I'D PEEL POTATOES AND WASH POTS AND PANS

BUT I KNEW ONE DAY I'D GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN AND GET MY CHANCE AT AN IMPORTANT MISSION.

AND THEN I'D BECOME A REAL HERO.

HEY, PHIL.

I'M BUSY!

COLONEL WANTS TO SEE YOU.

THE COLONEL!

OH, BOY, IT'S MY BIG MISSION!

( yells )

MEDIC!

EVEN THOUGH I WAS WOOZY FROM MY FALL

AND LOOPY FROM THE PILLS THE MEDIC GAVE ME

I COULD STILL UNDERSTAND NEARLY HALF THE INSTRUCTIONS THE COLONEL GAVE ME.

THIS WAS IT: MY BIG MISSION.

SEEMS I WAS HANDPICKED TO DELIVER A TRUCKLOAD OF BAD CHAM...

Gerald: A TRUCKLOAD OF WHAT?

CHAM, BAD CHAM.

CHAM? WHAT'S CHAM?

IS THAT LIKE... SPAM?

NO, IT'S COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

SPAM IS A DELICIOUS, NUTRITIOUS HAM-BASED PRODUCT

ENJOYED BY MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD FOR MORE THAN 50 YEARS.

CHAM, ON THE OTHER HAND

IS A COMBINATION OF CHICKEN AND HAM BYPRODUCTS

RANDOMLY PACKED IN LEAKY TIN CONTAINERS

AND BRIEFLY INTRODUCED TO THE MILITARY

FOR EXPERIMENTAL PURPOSES IN DECEMBER OF 1944.

( horn honking )

THE POINT IS, THIS CHAM TURNED OUT TO BE BAD MEAT

AND I MEAN REALLY BAD MEAT.

GAVE YOU THE RUNS LIKE THERE WAS NO TOMORROW.

SO MY JOB WAS TO DRIVE THIS TRUCKLOAD OF BAD CHAM

TO A DUMPING GROUND SOMEWHERE IN NORTHERN FRANCE.

OF COURSE, THE EXACT LOCATION WAS A CLOSELY GUARDED MILITARY SECRET.

THE NIGHT WAS DARK AND THICK WITH FOG

AS I STARTED ON MY IMPORTANT AND DANGEROUS JOURNEY.

I COULD BARELY SEE MY NOSE IN FRONT OF MY FACE

BUT I WAS DETERMINED TO FULFILL MY MISSION.

INCH BY INCH, I DROVE ON, BRAVING THE ELEMENTS.

THE HOURS PASSED.

BY DAWN, THE FOG HAD CLEARED

AND I DECIDED TO MAKE CAMP.

SUCKING UP THE FEAR THAT CHURNED IN MY GUT

I WONDERED, WHERE WAS I? HOW CLOSE WAS THE ENEMY?

WOULD I EVER SEE MY BELOVED REGIMENT AGAIN?

HEY, PHIL!

YEAH?

YOU UP FOR POKER?

I CAN'T, I'M ON A SECRET MISSION.

OH, YEAH, YOU'RE DUMPING THE BAD CHAM, RIGHT?

RIGHT!

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

HOW DID YOU KNOW?!

THE WHOLE CAMP KNOWS.

WELL, DON'T TELL

ANYBODY ELSE, OKAY?

IT WAS AT THAT MOMENT

I REALIZED MY SITUATION HAD BECOME EVEN MORE PERILOUS.

IF THE WHOLE REGIMENT KNEW I WAS ON A SECRET MISSION TO DELIVER BAD MEAT

THERE WAS NO TELLING WHO ELSE KNEW! MAYBE EVEN THE ENEMY!

ON TOP OF THAT, I WAS ONLY 200 YARDS FROM CAMP, WITH A LONG WAY TO GO.

AND ON TOP OF THAT, MY WIENIE WAS ON FIRE.

( blowing )

HELP, MY WIENIE'S ON FIRE! MEDIC!

I HAD TO MAKE UP TIME

SO I PUT THE PEDAL TO THE METAL

KNOWING MY MISSION WAS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANY TRAFFIC LAWS OR HAZARD SIGNS.

LATE THAT NIGHT, I GOT PRETTY TIRED AND HUNGRY, NOT TO MENTION LONESOME

SO I STOPPED AT A LITTLE FARMHOUSE TO REST.

BUT THE FARMER HAD GONE OFF TO JOIN THE FRENCH ARMY, AND THERE WAS NO ONE LEFT AT HOME

EXCEPT HIS THREE BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTERS.

THERE WAS NO ROOM IN THE FARMHOUSE

BUT THEY AGREED TO LET ME SLEEP IN THE BARN.

JUST WHEN I WAS ABOUT TO NOD OFF, THERE CAME A KNOCK ON THE BARN DOOR.

IT WAS THE OLDEST DAUGHTER, MONIQUE.

SHE WAS BATHED IN MOONLIGHT, WEARING A FIGURE-FLATTERING DIAPHANOUS PEASANT DRESS.

"OH, MONSIEUR PHIL," SHE SAID, "THE WAR, SHE HAS MADE ME SO SCARED AND LONELY..."

PHIL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD SKIP THAT PART OF THE STORY.

OH... YEAH, YEAH, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

( whispers ): I'LL TELL YOU THAT PART LATER.

I WOKE UP THE NEXT MORNING

FEELING LIKE A MILLION BUCKS AND READY TO GET BACK

ON MY SECRET MISSION.

I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY MILES I DROVE

HOW MANY TURNS I TOOK ON ALL THOSE ZIGZAGGING BACK ROADS

BUT I WAS DETERMINED TO ACCOMPLISH MY BIG MISSION.

THEN IT HAPPENED. ( bang )

I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO CHANGE THE TIRE

BUT I WORKED AS FAST AS I COULD.

ALL THE TIME, I KNEW THERE WAS A POSSIBILITY THE NAZIS

WEREN'T MORE THAN A FEW MILES AWAY.

LITTLE DID I KNOW...

AMERIKANISCHES SCHWEINHUND!

I TURNED AND SAW THE MOST HORRIBLE SIGHT ANYONE COULD EVER SEE.

THERE, STANDING OVER ME, WITH EYES GLOWING LIKES FIERY COALS,

WAS THE FUHRER HIMSELF, ADOLF HITLER!

TAKE THAT, HITLER!

GOING TO BEAT YOU RED, WHITE AND BLUE!

NEIN, BITTE, ONKEL, ONKEL!

( Sousa march playing )

GRANDPA...

YOU DID NOT FIGHT ADOLF HITLER.

YOU'RE MAKING THIS UP.

( chuckling )

OKAY, YOU GOT ME.

I MADE THAT PART UP.

PRETTY FUNNY, HUH?

( chuckling )

IT WAS GOEBBELS.

ALL RIGHT, SO IT WASN'T HITLER HIMSELF.

BUT IT WAS A WHOLE BRIGADE OF NAZI SOLDIERS.

I STUMBLED INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE BIGGEST

MOST FEROCIOUS GERMAN PANZER BRIGADE IN THE WHOLE WAR.

Gerald: DID THEY

TAKE YOU PRISONER? TORTURE YOU?

I'LL TELL YOU THE WHOLE TERRIFYING STORY

BUT FIRST WE GOT TO STOP FOR GAS.

BUT PHIL, WE'VE GOT

HALF A TANK.

I KNOW WE GOT

HALF A TANK IN THE CAR.

BUT I'VE GOT A FULL TANK IN HERE.

AND IF I DON'T GET SOME RELIEF

WE'RE NOT GOING TO MAKE IT!

OOH, OOH, OOH, AH...

OH, RELIEF... WAIT A MINUTE.

THIS ISN'T THE MEN'S ROOM.

( woman screams )

SORRY, LADY. HONEST MISTAKE.

Gerald: YOU MEAN, YOU WERE CAPTURED

BY THE NAZIS, MILES BEHIND ENEMY LINES

ALL BY YOURSELF?

ALL BY MY LONESOME.

SURROUNDED BY FEROCIOUS NAZI SOLDIERS.

THEY WERE LEAN, THEY WERE MEAN

BUT MOST OF ALL, THEY WERE HUNGRY.

THEY'D RUN OUT OF RATIONS, AND WHEN THEY OPENED MY TRUCK, THEY GOT PRETTY EXCITED.

I REALIZED THEY WERE PLANNING TO EAT IT.

I YELLED OUT... NO, DON'T EAT IT!

THAT'S BAD MEAT!

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

I SAID THAT'S... ( laughing )

THAT TICKLES.

I SAID THAT'S BAD MEAT, DON'T EAT IT.

IS IT REALLY BAD MEAT, OR IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT US TO THINK?

THAT'S WHAT I WANT YOU TO THINK, BECAUSE IT IS...

IT'S BAD MEAT, IT'S VERY BAD.

HMM, SINCE YOU ARE THE ENEMY

IF THE MEAT WAS BAD, YOU WOULD WANT ME TO EAT IT.

SO, THEREFORE, LOGICALLY, YOU WOULD TELL ME THE MEAT WAS GOOD.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT?

RIGHT, SURE, MAKES SENSE TO ME.

BUT YOU KNEW THAT I WOULD THINK THAT, DIDN'T YOU?

OH, YES, I SURE DID. YOU GOT ME THERE. YOU'RE SMART.

IT'S NO WONDER THEY MADE YOU CAPTAIN.

MAJOR.

MAJOR, YES.

THAT'S MUCH BETTER THAN CAPTAIN.

BECAUSE YOU'RE, YOU'RE A MAJOR.

YOU COULD BOSS CAPTAINS AROUND.

YOU COULD SAY, "HEY, CAPTAIN

"GO GET ME A NEWSPAPER.

"HEY, CLEAN MY BOOTS, CAPTAIN."

SILENCE!

YOU THINK YOU'RE SMARTER THAN ME, DON'T YOU?

OH, NO, SIR. NO, I DON'T, I...

YOU... AMERICAN!

YOU THINK IF YOU TELL ME THE MEAT IS BAD

I WILL THINK YOU ARE TELLING ME THE MEAT IS BAD

BECAUSE IT IS REALLY GOOD

BUT I KNOW YOU ARE TELLING ME THE MEAT IS BAD

BECAUSE YOU KNOW I WILL THINK YOU ARE TELLING ME THE MEAT IS BAD

BECAUSE YOU THINK I WILL THINK

YOU ARE TELLING ME THE MEAT IS BAD

BECAUSE IT IS REALLY GOOD, RIGHT?

THE MEAT IS BAD... THINKS IT'S GOOD... OH, THIS IS HARD.

WHEN IN FACT, THE MEAT IS REALLY GOOD AFTER ALL.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT?

THAT'S WHEN IT HIT ME.

I REALIZED IF I LET HIM THINK HE WAS SMARTER THAN ME

I COULD MAKE HIM DO ANYTHING I WANTED.

OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

IT'S TRUE, THE MEAT IS GOOD.

WHY DID I THINK I COULD EVER OUTSMART A CAPTAIN?

MAJOR!

MAJOR, RIGHT.

YOU NAZIS ARE

SO MUCH SMARTER THAN US.

WE CAN'T WIN THE WAR.

I'M SUCH A DUMB, STUPID IDIOT.

THAT MEAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FOR GENERAL MONTGOMERY

AND NOW YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO EAT IT

AND I'M GOING TO BE IN BIG, BIG TROUBLE.

YOU WON'T TELL HIM, WILL YOU?

( chuckling )

NO THANKS, I'M NOT HUNGRY. ( chuckling )

WELL, THE NEXT MORNING, THEY WERE ALL SICK AS DOGS.

( all groaning )

THAT'S RIGHT, I CAPTURED THE ENTIRE DIVISION.

JUST ME...

NO, THIS IS NOT A JOKE.

AMERICAN... PLEASE...

HELP ME.

I HAVE A BAD ACHE IN MEIN TUMMY.

HOLD ON A SEC.

OH, YOU GOT A TUMMY ACHE?

ACH...

MAYBE THIS WILL HELP.

NOW, LOOK HERE, YOU TELL THE GENERAL

TO GET A COUPLE OF DIVISIONS DOWN HERE ON THE DOUBLE!

I BUSTED A HOLE IN THE ENEMY LINE SIX MILES WIDE.

IF YOU HURRY, YOU CAN WALK STRAIGHT THROUGH TO BERLIN.

THAT NIGHT, THE ALLIES ROLLED RIGHT THROUGH THE GAP I CREATED IN THE GERMAN LINES.

THEY MARCHED ON TO BERLIN AND WON THE WAR!

BECAUSE OF ME, AMERICA ACHIEVED VICTORY AND TOTAL DOMINATION OVER THE GERMANS.

( horn blowing German tune )

( laughing... )

OH, STUPID MERCEDES!

THAT'S AMAZING!

SO YOU JUST ABOUT WON THE WHOLE WAR

ALL BY YOURSELF.

( chuckles )

WELL, PRACTICALLY.

OF COURSE, OTHER GUYS HELPED.

YOU KNOW, GENERAL PATTON AND SOME OF THE CANADIANS.

THAT'S, UH, QUITE A STORY, PHIL.

DID YOU EVER CAPTURE A BRIGADE OF ENEMY SOLDIERS?

NO, SON, I DIDN'T.

BUT YOU SAW A LOT OF ACTION?

OH, SURE, I SAW PLENTY OF ACTION.

DID YOU EVER SHOOT ANYBODY?

TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I DID.

I WAS ONLY 19 WHEN I WAS DRAFTED.

IT WAS TOWARD THE END OF THE WAR

AND A LOT OF YOUNG MEN DIDN'T BELIEVE IN THE CAUSE.

SOME WENT TO CANADA ON PRINCIPLE.

I THOUGHT ABOUT THAT.

I THOUGHT ABOUT IT A LONG TIME.

MOSTLY BECAUSE I WASN'T TOO SURE ABOUT WHAT WE WERE DOING IN VIETNAM

AND PARTLY BECAUSE I WAS SCARED LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.

BUT IN THE END, I DECIDED MY COUNTRY ASKED ME TO GO

AND RIGHT OR WRONG, I HAD TO OBLIGE.

I HAD HAD TWO WEEKS OF BASIC TRAINING

BUT I MISSED MOST OF IT BECAUSE I HAD THE FLU.

THEY SENT ME ON WITH MY REGIMENT ANYWAY.

NEXT THING I KNOW, I'M AT RIFLE PRACTICE.

AND THAT'S WHEN IT HAPPENED.

NONE OF US SAW IT COMING, LEAST OF ALL ME.

YOU GOT 45 SECONDS, PRIVATE!

LET ME SEE YOU CLEAN THAT RIFLE!

YES, SIR!

Man: CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS

ON A CRACKER!

WHO DISCHARGED THAT WEAPON?!

I SHOT MY OWN COLONEL.

THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME I'VE BEEN SHOT IN THE BUTT.

THAT'S RIGHT, PRIVATE, IT'S HAPPENED BEFORE.

BUT LAST TIME I WAS SHOT IN THE BUTT, IT WAS AT THE HANDS OF THE ENEMY

NOT ONE OF MY OWN RECRUITS!

NOW, WHAT DO YOU HAVE

TO SAY FOR YOURSELF, SOLDIER?

I WAS SICK WITH THE FLU DURING MOST OF BASIC TRAINING, SIR.

HE WAS SICK WITH THE FLU!

WHAT ARE YOU GOOD AT, PRIVATE?

WHAT CAN YOU DO WITHOUT SCREWING IT UP?

I WAS ASSIGNED TO THE ARMY MEDICAL RECORDS DEPARTMENT...

AS A FILE CLERK.

Gerald: WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU WERE A FILE CLERK?

THAT'S RIGHT.

BUT I THOUGHT YOU SAID

YOU SAW PLENTY OF ACTION WHEN YOU WERE IN THE WAR.

I DID, AND IT HAPPENED WHEN I LEAST EXPECTED IT.

THE NEXT MORNING, WITH NO WARNING...

227 FILES WERE DROPPED ON MY DESK.

AND MY JOB WAS TO GET THEM ALL CHECKED, ORGANIZED AND FILED AWAY BY 1700 HOURS.

NOT ONE OF THOSE FILES WAS IN ORDER.

YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN SUCH A MESS.

BUT THAT WAS JUST AT THE BEGINNING, RIGHT?

AFTER THAT, YOU GOT INTO SOME BATTLES, DIDN'T YOU?

NO, I SPENT MY WHOLE TOUR IN THAT OFFICE, FILING AND STAMPING

AND KEEPING THINGS ORGANIZED.

BUT, YOU MEAN, YOU NEVER SAW ANY BATTLES?

NOT REALLY.

I WAS TOO BUSY WITH MY DUTIES.

THERE WAS ONE TIME I HAD TO GO NORTH

TO DELIVER SOME RECORDS UP NEAR AN LOC.

I PASSED BY WHERE A BATTLE HAD OCCURRED SOME TIME BEFORE.

NOBODY WAS AROUND EXCEPT ONE KID

WHO'D BEEN SEPARATED FROM HIS REGIMENT.

I BELIEVE HIS NAME WAS MILLER.

HE HAD A WOUND, I COULDN'T TELL HOW SERIOUS.

THERE WASN'T ANYBODY ELSE AROUND

SO I DID WHAT I COULD.

I DIDN'T HAVE ANY BANDAGES

BUT I HAD MY FILES WITH ME.

I TOOK OUT SOME PAPERS, APPLIED SOME DISINFECTANT

( voice fading ): AND MADE A BANDAGE OUT OF IT...

Grandpa: SURE IMPRESSED THEM

WITH OUR WAR STORIES, EH?

I HOPE SO.

I WANT GERALD TO UNDERSTAND

WHAT IT MEANS TO SERVE YOUR COUNTRY.

IT'S NOT ABOUT BEING A BIG HERO, BUT DOING YOUR BEST.

UH-HUH.

( grunting )

MAN, MY DAD DIDN'T DO ANYTHING IN THE WAR.

SURE HE DID.

OH, YEAH, WHAT?

WELL, HE HELPED FILE AND ORGANIZE ALL THOSE PAPERS.

AH, BIG DEAL.

HE HELPED THAT SOLDIER

WITH HIS WOUND.

ARNOLD, HE WRAPPED A COUPLE OF FILE PAPERS

AROUND SOME SOLDIER'S LEG.

ANYBODY COULD HAVE DONE THAT.

THE GUY WASN'T EVEN HURT THAT BAD, ANYWAY.

FACT IS, MY DAD WAS JUST A FILE CLERK.

HE DIDN'T EVEN LEARN TO SHOOT A GUN.

HE DIDN'T WIN ANY BATTLES OR SAVE ANYBODY.

I DON'T SEE HOW IT MADE ANY DIFFERENCE

THAT HE EVEN WENT TO VIETNAM.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT

HE WAS A HERO... BUT HE WASN'T.

YOUR DAD'S STILL A REALLY GOOD GUY.

I KNOW.

AT LEAST HE TOLD YOU

THE TRUTH ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED.

HE DIDN'T MAKE IT ALL UP LIKE GRANDPA DID.

( no dialogue... )

GRANDPA, WHY ARE WE HERE?

I TOLD YOU, I'M LOOKING FOR THE MONUMENT.

IT'S AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.

EUREKA... OH, NO, THAT'S NOT IT.

OH... OOP... BINGO!

GRANDPA... THAT'S YOU!

OF COURSE IT IS-- IT'S MY MONUMENT.

IT... IT'S JUST LIKE IN YOUR STORY.

"IN HONOR OF PRIVATE STEELY PHIL.

"HE SINGLE-HANDEDLY WON

THE BATTLE OF THE BULGE."

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

YOU THOUGHT I WAS A BIG, FAT LIAR, DIDN'T YOU, EH?

THOUGHT I WAS TELLING YOU

SOME CRAZY, MADE-UP STORY.

WELL, HERE I AM IN BRONZE.

"PRIVATE STEELY PHIL," IT SAYS, "BIG HERO."

I DON'T SEE A SCULPTURE OF YOU ANYWHERE, YOU...

( laughing )

GERALD?

YEAH, DAD?

I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU WANTED TO BELIEVE

I WAS SOME KIND OF BIG WAR HERO.

BUT THE TRUTH IS, I WASN'T.

I DIDN'T CARRY A GUN AND I DIDN'T FIGHT IN COMBAT.

I JUST TRIED TO GIVE MY BEST WHEN MY COUNTRY ASKED ME TO.

IT'S OKAY, DAD.

I KNOW YOU DID YOUR BEST.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A HERO.

I'M PROUD OF YOU.

JOHANSSEN?

PRIVATE JOHANSSEN?

YEAH.

I KNEW IT WAS YOU.

IT'S MILLER, PRIVATE MILLER.

PRIVATE MILLER?

YOU REMEMBER? OUTSIDE OF AN LOC?

BACK IN '72.

I REMEMBER.

I WAS SITTING THERE FOR HOURS.

MY PLATOON HAD MOVED ON.

I KEPT CALLING OUT

FOR A MEDIC, FOR ANYBODY, BUT NOBODY CAME.

I DIDN'T KNOW HOW BAD I WAS HURT.

I JUST KNEW I COULDN'T MOVE.

AFTER A WHILE, WHEN NOBODY CAME

I FIGURED THAT WAS GOING TO BE IT.

BUT THEN YOU SHOWED UP, OUT OF THE BLUE-- PRIVATE MARTIN JOHANSSEN.

YOU HAD ALL THOSE FILE FOLDERS WITH YOU.

I WONDERED WHAT ANYBODY WAS DOING OUT ON A BATTLEFIELD

WITH A BUNCH OF FILE FOLDERS.

YOU LOOKED AT MY LEG

THEN YOU TOOK OUT SOME OF THOSE PAPERS

POURED SOMETHING OUT ON THEM OUT OF A BOTTLE

PRESSED THEM TO MY LEG AND TAPED IT UP LIKE A BANDAGE.

I MUST HAVE PASSED OUT, BECAUSE NEXT THING I KNEW, I WAS IN A HOSPITAL.

THE DOCTORS COULDN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT I WAS DOING THERE.

I SHOULD HAVE BLED TO DEATH.

I WAS PRETTY WEAK, BUT I

KEPT TRYING TO TELL THEM, "IT WAS PRIVATE JOHANSSEN."

PRIVATE JOHANSSEN.

I'VE WAITED OVER 20 YEARS TO THANK YOU.

I JUST DID WHAT I COULD.

IS, UH, THIS YOUR SON?

YES, MY SON GERALD.

PLEASED TO MEET YOU.

HELLO.

DID YOU KNOW YOUR FATHER'S A REAL HERO?

THIS IS MY WIFE SHARON, AND MY KIDS--

BOBBY AND ELLEN.

THIS IS THE MAN I TOLD YOU ABOUT.

MARTIN JOHANSSEN-- THE MAN WHO SAVED MY LIFE.

IT'S AN HONOR, SIR.

[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and NICKELODEON