Original subtitles

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Helga: ARNOLD!

( barking )

HEY, ARNOLD!

( glass shatters )

( girl shrieks )

Helga: HEY, ARNOLD!

ARNOLD!

ARNOLD!

ARNOLD!

[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and NICKELODEON]

AR-NOLD!

MOVE IT, FOOTBALL HEAD!

Kids: HEY, ARNOLD!

( bell ringing )

( knock on door )

COME IN.

PRINCIPAL WARTZ?

I'M DR. BLISS.

OH, DR. BLISS. I'M PRINCIPAL WARTZ.

WELCOME TO P.S.118.

THANK YOU.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

NOTHING.

SO, DR. BLISS...

THE SCHOOL DISTRICT

IS SENDING US A CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST

ON TUESDAYS AND THURSDAYS AFTER SCHOOL.

VERY NICE OF THEM.

WHY ARE YOU DOING HERE AT 8:15?

WORKING ON MY PROFILE OF YOU.

WHAT?

( chuckles )

I'M KIDDING.

I JUST THOUGHT I'D COME EARLY.

YOU KNOW, SPEND THE DAY OBSERVING YOUR STUDENTS.

VERY WELL, DOCTOR, MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.

BUT I REALLY DON'T THINK YOU'LL FIND MUCH THAT WOULD INTEREST A PSYCHOLOGIST.

OH, WHY NOT?

BECAUSE, DOCTOR

UNLIKE P.S.117 AND P.S.119

P.S.118 IS THE PICTURE OF MENTAL HEALTH.

OUT OF MY WAY, GEEK BAIT!

Wartz: WELL, HAPPY HUNTING, DR. BLISS.

THANK YOU.

ONE SIDE, MORON! I'M WALKING HERE!

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

( Harold laughing )

OHAYOU-GOZAIMASU, HELGA.

NO JAPANESE THIS MORNING, PHOEBE.

I HAVE A HEADACHE.

OH, OKAY... ENGLISH.

OH, YES, YES, WELL...

HEY, WHO'S THE SKIRT?

CLASS, SETTLE DOWN...

LISTENING EARS.

TODAY WE HAVE A VERY SPECIAL GUEST.

OUR SCHOOL DISTRICT PSYCHOLOGIST, DR. BLISS.

WHOOP-DE-DOO, THE SCHOOL SHRINK.

I'VE GOT NOTHING TO HIDE.

DR. BLISS IS OUT IN THE FIELD TODAY OBSERVING OUR CLASSES

AND SHE HAS RANDOMLY CHOSEN

TO OBSERVE US... US MEANING THE STUDENTS, I'M SURE

NOT THE TEACHERS, AM I RIGHT, DR. BLISS?

JUST BE YOUR OWN SPECIAL SELVES

AS IF NOTHING IS HAPPENING.

THAT'S EASY.

WHAT?

WHAT?

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, FOOTBALL HEAD?

( bell rings )

UGH...

PHOEBE, GO SAVE MY FOURSQUARE COURT

IF HAROLD TAKES IT

TELL HIM I'LL PULL HIS APPENDIX OUT.

SAVING.

HUH... ARNOLD.

WHAT A NERD.

WHAT A GOOF.

WHAT A TINY-HATTED LITTLE CREEP.

HOW I HATE HIM.

AND YET...

I LOVE HIM.

OH, ARNOLD, BASTION OF SANITY IN THIS CRAZY, MIXED-UP WORLD IN WHICH WE LIVE...

HOW TENDER I FEEL WHEN YOU BRUSH PAST ME...

HOW I FORGET MY CARES...

HOW THE ESSENCE OF YOU LINGERS SWEETLY IN THE AIR

AND I FEEL PEACE...

TRUE PEACE AT LAST.

OH...

( nasal breathing )

HI...

( gasps ) OH, MY...

Helga: OKAY, I HIT HIM.

SO WHAT?

MISS PATAKI, STRIKING ANOTHER STUDENT

IS A DIRECT VIOLATION OF SCHOOL POLICY.

BRAINY? HE DOESN'T MIND.

I DO IT ALL THE TIME.

YOU'D SOCK HIM, TOO

IF HE WAS BEHIND YOU, BREATHING...

BREATHING?

YES, BREATHING.

YOUNG LADY, THAT IS QUITE ENOUGH.

WHEN I WELCOMED DR. BLISS TO ROAM THE HALLS OF P.S.118

I NEVER IMAGINED THAT SHE WOULD FIND A CANDIDATE FOR TREATMENT BEFORE LUNCH TIME.

TREATMENT?

HELGA, I RECOMMEND

WE MEET AFTER SCHOOL AT MY OFFICE...

TO PUNISH YOU SOUNDLY

FOR YOUR BLATANTLY INSOUCIANT ACTS OF JUVENILE DELINQUENCY.

PRINCIPAL WARTZ, PLEASE, SIT DOWN.

MAY I HANDLE THIS?

YES, FINE, FINE, OF COURSE.

TAKE IT AWAY... DOCTOR.

( humming... )

HELGA, THE POINT ISN'T TO PUNISH YOU, THE POINT IS

TO DISCUSS THESE ANTISOCIAL TENDENCIES

AND EXAMINE POSSIBLE STRATEGIES FOR IMPROVEMENT.

I THINK YOUR BEHAVIOR

MAY BE COVERING UP OTHER IMPORTANT ISSUES.

I WANT TO TRY TO GET TO THE ROOT OF THE MATTER.

MAYBE UNCOVER SOME EMOTIONS YOU MAY BE HIDING.

H-HIDING?

...THINKS I'M CRAZY, HIDING SOMETHING.

IT'S OKAY, HELGA, OLD GIRL, YOU, YOU CAN DO IT.

YOU'RE NOT NUTS...

( groans )

Multiple voices: HEY, HELGA, HOW'S IT GOING?

OH!

WHERE YOU GOING?

( screams )

Bob: THERAPY?!

AW, THIS NEVER WOULD HAVE HAPPENED TO OLGA.

LOOK, IS THIS GOING TO COST ME ANYTHING?

GOOD.

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, MISSY.

REPORT TO THE TROPHY ROOM, PRONTO.

WE DIDN'T HAVE THERAPY WHEN I WAS A KID.

THAT'S OBVIOUS, BOB.

I DON'T WANT YOU BLABBING TO SOME SCHOOL SHRINK.

WE PATAKIS DON'T TALK ABOUT THINGS.

WE SWEEP THEM UNDER THE RUG.

SOME THINGS ARE BEST SWEPT UNDER THE RUG.

DON'T BLAB ANYTHING OR THEY'LL GIVE US ALL

A ONE-WAY TICKET TO THE FUNNY FARM. YOU GOT IT?!

I GOT IT, DAD.

THIS NEVER HAPPENED TO OLGA.

OH, NO, I KNOW, BABY.

Helga: "I WANT GET

"TO THE ROOT OF THE MATTER.

"MAYBE UNCOVER SOME EMOTIONS

YOU MAY BE HIDING." ( spits )

WHAT A DISASTER.

WELL, I DON'T CARE HOW SMART SHE IS.

NO STINKING SHRINK IS GOING TO MAKE ME GIVE UP MY DEEPEST, DARKEST SECRET.

MY LOVE FOR ARNOLD.

( drumming and chanting... )

OH, ARNOLD, I CALL ON THE POWER OF THY SACRED SHRINE.

GIVE ME THE STRENGTH AND ANIMAL CUNNING TO OUTWIT THE SCHOOL SHRINK!

AAH...!

OOF!

Miriam: HELGA?

WE HEARD A CRASH.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, HONEY?

OF COURSE.

I WAS JUST...

GETTING READY FOR BED.

OH, OKAY.

WELL, SLEEP WELL.

YEESH! WHAT A NUT JOB.

I NEED A SMOOTHIE.

HELLO, HELGA.

HUH?!

ARE YOU WEARING A DISGUISE BECAUSE YOU'RE

EMBARRASSED ABOUT VISITING DR. BLISS?

IN THIS DAY AND AGE, THERAPY'S PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE AND QUITE USEFUL.

THERE'S NOTHING AT ALL TO BE ASHAMED OR NERVOUS ABOUT.

NERVOUS? ARE YOU KIDDING?

I'LL JUST MAKE UP STORIES FOR AN HOUR.

SHE WON'T EVEN GET A WORD IN EDGEWISE.

IT WILL BE A SNAP.

( phone ringing )

Woman: HELLO, DOCTORS' OFFICE.

( knock on door )

HELGA, COME IN.

HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?

YOU MEAN SINCE YESTERDAY?

NO NEED TO BE HOSTILE.

I'M NOT HOSTILE!

SO, YOU'RE A CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST?

DOES THAT MEAN YOU WEREN'T GOOD ENOUGH

TO BE A GROWNUP PSYCHOLOGIST?

NO, I CHOSE CHILD PSYCHOLOGY

BECAUSE I'M INTERESTED IN HELPING CHILDREN.

WELL, WHOOP-DEE-DOO, DOC.

YOU SEEM ANGRY.

I AM NOT ANGRY.

HELGA, YOU'RE HERE...

"TO DISCUSS THESE

"ANTISOCIAL TENDENCIES

AND EXAMINE POSSIBLE STRATEGIES FOR IMPROVEMENT." RIGHT.

WELL, LET THE HEALING BEGIN.

ALL RIGHT.

DID YOU READ ALL THOSE BOOKS?

MOST OF THEM.

YOU WRITE ANY OF THEM?

NO.

YOU WRITE ANY OF THEM?

NO.

HOW MANY BOOKS DO YOU HAVE TO READ TO BE A SHRINK?

A LOT.

SO ARE YOU AN ACTUAL DOCTOR?

IF I HAD A HEART ATTACK

COULD YOU DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT?

THERE'S A HEART CLINIC UPSTAIRS.

THIS IS A GOOD PLACE TO HAVE ONE.

NICE PICTURE. YOU LIKE EDWARD HOPPER?

I DO.

HE'S OKAY.

A LITTLE SIMPLE.

WHAT'S HIS DEAL WITH WOMEN?

THAT'S PRETTY ASTUTE FOR A FOURTH GRADER.

I NOTICE YOU'RE ASKING ALL THE QUESTIONS.

THAT A PROBLEM?

NO, ASK AWAY.

GREAT. THEN HOW ABOUT I SIT IN THE BIG CHAIR

AND YOU SIT ON THE COUCH?

I DON'T SEE ANY HARM IN THAT.

SO, WHAT WERE YOU LIKE AS A CHILD?

I LIKED ANIMALS.

WE HAD AN ANIMAL CLUB.

WE DREW PICTURES OF THEM.

I LIKED GIRAFFES AND KILLER WHALES.

I LIKED JUMP-ROPE.

WHAT RHYMES DO YOU KNOW?

OH, WALKING THE DOG, LINCOLN, LINCOLN, HARBOR STREET...

HARBOR STREET?

Both: WHEN THEY GET IN FIGHTS

THIS IS WHAT THEY SAY.

BOYS ARE ROTTEN, MADE OUT OF COTTON.

GIRLS ARE SASSY, MADE FROM MOLASSY.

BOYS GO TO JUPITER TO GET MORE STUPIDER

GIRLS GO TO COLLEGE TO GET MORE KNOWLEDGE.

...AND MY SISTER KEPT IT.

SHE SAID, "YOU'D JUST BREAK IT."

I WAS SO MAD

I BROKE IT WHEN SHE WAS SLEEPING.

YOU THINK THAT'S ANNOYING.

TRY HAVING A SISTER THAT'S PERFECT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN PERFECT?

SHE GETS STRAIGHT "A"s AT COLLEGE

ALL THE BOYS WANT TO GO OUT WITH HER

BUT SHE STAYS HOME TO PRACTICE THE PIANO

FOR THE BRANDENBURG CONCERTO SHE'S GIVING AT THE ORPHANAGE THIS WEEKEND.

AND MOM AND DAD CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF HER.

LAST TIME SHE WAS HOME, I WAS GOING OUT OF MY MIND.

( sit-com applause )

GOOD MORNING.

WHO WANTS SOME MORE FRESHLY MADE SUMATRAN DRIP COFFEE?

I'LL HAVE MORE, IF YOU MADE IT.

WHEN DID YOU WAKE UP, HONEY?

OH, HOURS AGO.

I WENT DOWN TO THE CORNER GROCER'S

FOR BREAKFAST INGREDIENTS.

I'M BAKING A LEMON SOUFFLE.

( laughs ) OH, OLGA, IT'S GREAT

TO HAVE YOU IN THE KITCHEN AGAIN.

I'LL HAVE TO PUT ANOTHER NOTCH IN MY LUCKY BELT.

YOU SURE SPOIL US WHEN YOU'RE HOME, HONEY.

YOU SURE DO.

( all laugh )

( sit-com applause )

MOM!

DID YOU PICK UP MY WINTER COAT

FROM THE CLEANERS?

WHAT... OH, HELGA, I FORGOT.

ALL THE EXCITEMENT.

YOUR SISTER BEING HOME FROM... ALASKA.

BUT DON'T WORRY-- THE WEATHER MAN SAID IT SHOULD STAY ABOVE FREEZING

FOR MOST OF THE DAY.

Bob: SPEAKING OF ALASKA, OLGA, TELL US ALL ABOUT IT.

START ALL OVER AGAIN FROM THE BEGINNING.

OH, IT WAS SO WONDERFUL, DADDY.

THE PRIMEVAL FORESTS...

THE STREAMS CHOKED WITH MIGRATING SALMON...

LES GLACIERS...

THE TOWERING PEAK OF McKINLEY...

I'M GOING TO SCHOOL NOW.

( Bob and Miriam laugh )

Helga: NOBODY IN MY HOUSE EVEN KNOWS I EXIST.

THEY NEVER LISTEN TO ME.

I THINK I'D GO CRAZY IF IT WASN'T FOR ARNO...

ARNO...

ARE NO...

AIR CONDITIONERS

WORKING IN THIS ENTIRE BUILDING?!

IT MUST BE 90 DEGREES IN HERE!

THEN I'LL TURN ON A FAN.

NO, I'M ACTUALLY ALL TALKED OUT.

HELGA, THERE ARE 49 MINUTES

LEFT IN THE SESSION. RELAX.

SIT DOWN.

FORGET IT, DOC.

I'M ON TO YOU.

YOU THINK IF YOU HANG OUT WITH ME

AND TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF

I'M GOING TO GET ALL GUSHY

AND SAY ANYTHING YOU WANT.

WELL, IT'S NOT GOING TO BE THAT EASY, SISTER.

OKAY, HELGA, WE DON'T HAVE TO TALK ABOUT YOUR FAMILY.

WE CAN TALK ABOUT THE WEATHER, OR SPORTS OR YOUR CLASSMATES.

WE CAN... TALK ABOUT ARNOLD.

ARNOLD?!

Bliss: WE CAN TALK ABOUT ARNOLD.

ARNOLD? WHAT ABOUT HIM?

HE'S SPECIAL TO YOU, ISN'T HE?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

IN MR. SIMMONS' CLASS, YOU THREW 57 SPITBALLS AT HIM

STARED AT HIM THE WHOLE TIME AND CALLED HIM "FOOTBALL HEAD."

WHAT'S YOUR POINT?

THAT'S A LOT OF ATTENTION, EVEN IF IT IS NEGATIVE.

YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?

YOU SEEM ANGRY AT HIM.

I AM NOT ANGRY AT HIM.

THAT WAS COMPLETELY RANDOM.

I WAS THROWING SPITBALLS AT HIM BECAUSE...

UH, BECAUSE IT WAS ARNOLD DAY ON MY CALENDAR.

TODAY WAS GERALD DAY... I SHOT RUBBER BANDS AT GERALD, REALLY.

OKAY THEN, WE'LL MOVE ON.

WHEW, SHE'S MOVING ON.

NICE RECOVERY, HELGA.

NOW, ALL I HAVE TO DO IS STAY FOCUSED.

NO MATTER WHAT, STAY AWAY FROM THE SUBJECT OF ARNOLD.

LET'S DO SOME TESTS.

TESTS?

WE'LL START WITH INK BLOTS.

I WANT YOU TO LOOK AT THESE AND DESCRIBE WHAT YOU SEE.

AR...

AR... ARCHITECTURE OF SOME KIND?

AR... UM... AN...

INVERTED SOUP TUREEN... THAT'S ON FIRE.

HOT IN HERE.

AR... AREN'T YOU TIRED OF THIS?

I MEAN, WHAT DO A BUNCH OF INK BLOTS TELL YOU ANYWAY?

THEY'RE JUST INK BLOTS.

YOU'RE RIGHT, ENOUGH INK BLOTS.

HOW ABOUT WE TRY A LITTLE WORD ASSOCIATION?

I'LL READ OFF THIS LIST OF WORDS AND YOU SAY

THE NEXT WORD THAT COMES TO MIND.

STEADY, GIRL, YOU CAN DO IT. DO NOT SAY ARNOLD.

LOVE.

HATE.

ROCKET.

BUCKET. POCKET!

ROCKET.

BUCKET. POCKET!

DAVY CROCKETT!

FOOTBALL.

HEAD.

DID I SAY HEAD?

I MEAN GAME, FOOTBALL GAME.

MONDAY.

NIGHT FOOTBALL. AAH!

ENOUGH.

GOOD IDEA.

WHAT ELSE?

YOU SAID NO ONE AT HOME NOTICES YOU EXIST.

AND...?

WELL, I THINK

THAT'S VERY SAD, HELGA.

EVERYONE NEEDS TO BE NOTICED.

OTHERWISE LIFE WOULD BE TERRIBLY LONELY.

YOU GOT THAT RIGHT.

YOUR MOM DOESN'T NOTICE YOU?

MY MOM?! HUH!

MY MOM WOULDN'T NOTICE ME

IF I WAS AN ALIEN POD PERSON

CHANTING "HARE KRISHNA" AND SPITTING NICKELS.

THE OTHER MORNING, I WAS IN THE KITCHEN

LATE FOR SCHOOL AS USUAL.

MOM!

MIRIAM!

SHE'S ASLEEP BEHIND THE COUCH.

WHAT, WHAT?

OH, I WAS JUST LOOKING FOR MY KEYS.

THEY'RE HANGING ON THE HOOK.

OH, GOOD.

MOM, I'M LATE FOR SCHOOL.

AND NO ONE MADE MY LUNCH.

OH, YEAH, I DID, HONEY.

I PUT IT OUT FOR YOU.

IT'S, IT'S...

IT'S AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.

OH, HERE IT IS.

( sit-com laughter )

MOIST TOWELETTES, AN INDIVIDUAL PACKET OF CRACKERS

AND A CAN OF SHAVING CREAM?

OH, HOW DID THAT GET IN THERE?

OH... UH-OH, UH-OH.

THAT MEANS THE CHEESE FIZZ IS IN B.'s MEDICINE CABINET.

AH! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO RUN A BEEPER EMPIRE WITH MY FACE

SMELLING LIKE HICKORY-SMOKED CHEDDAR, MIRIAM?

DID YOU GET TO SCHOOL?

YEAH.

WHAT ABOUT LUNCH?

I TRADED THE SHAVING CREAM

WITH HAROLD FOR A MR. FUDGY BAR.

HE THOUGHT IT WAS WHIPPED TOPPING. WHAT AN IDIOT.

YOUR DAD DOESN'T NOTICE YOU, EITHER?

ARE YOU KIDDING?

ALL HE CARES ABOUT IS OLGA

BECAUSE SHE'S PERFECT.

SHE'S GOT HIM COMPLETELY BUFFALOED

ALWAYS HAS.

AS FAR BACK AS I CAN REMEMBER.

( piano playing... )

THAT WAS WONDERFUL, HONEY.

YOU'RE A STINKING GENIUS!

DADDY, WHO'S TAKING ME TO PRE-SCHOOL?

HUH? OH, YEAH, YEAH.

COME ON, PLAY US ANOTHER ONE, OLGA.

I KNOW-- HOW ABOUT THE MINUTE WALTZ BY MONSIEUR FREDERIC CHOPIN?

I LOVE THAT ONE.

( begins playing )

YOU SHOULD HEAR HER PLAY BEE-THOVEN.

CAN YOU BELIEVE OUR OLGA?

CONCERT PIANIST AT 15.

CLASS VALEDICTORIAN.

PLUS SHE'S WON EVERY SPELLING BEE

IN THE WHOLE DARN CITY.

MAKES ME PROUD TO BE A PATAKI.

HEY, WHO'S TAKING ME TO PRE-SCHOOL?

YEAH... IN A MINUTE, OLGA.

NO, I'M HELGA, DAD, HELGA.

WHATEVER. GO PLAY OUTSIDE, WILL YOU?

I'M GOING TO PRE-SCHOOL.

( stops playing )

WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

ONE MINUTE FLAT.

YOU'RE AMAZING, OLGA!

I'M GOING TO PRE-SCHOOL!

( snoring )

( barking )

SO NOBODY'S EVER NOTICED YOU.

THERE WAS SOMEONE.

HI...

NICE BOW.

HUH?

I LIKE YOUR BOW

BECAUSE IT'S PINK LIKE YOUR PANTS.

OH...

( sighs )

( both laugh )

( laughing )

WANT MINE?

( sighs )

( laughing )

QUIT LAUGHING, GEEK BAIT, OR YOU'LL HAVE TO ANSWER

TO OLD BETSY AND...

AND THE FIVE AVENGERS.

OLD WHO AND THE FIVE WHAT?

MY FISTS, STUPID.

THAT'S THEIR NAMES.

WHAT? YOUR FISTS HAVE NAMES?

OH, YOU'RE CONFUSING ME!

BLEH...

I'M THE BOSS

AROUND HERE.

GOT IT?

THAT'S RIGHT, I'M WALKING HERE, HELGA G. PATAKI.

WHAT'S THE "G" STAND FOR?

NONE OF YOUR BEESWAX.

NOW GET BUSY WITH YOUR FINGER PAINTING

BEFORE I MAKE YOU WEAR IT.

OKAY... ( muttering )

I LOVE YOU, ARNOLD

AND I WANT TO MARRY YOU.

( nasal breathing )

I'M TRYING TO HIDE BEHIND THE GARBAGE CAN

TRYING TO GET A MINUTE ALONE, AND THERE HE IS...

BREATHING AWAY.

OF COURSE I HIT HIM.

WHY DID YOU WANT THAT MINUTE ALONE?

BECAUSE OF... OH, LEAVE ME ALONE.

I'M HEARING YOUR ANGER AGAIN.

OKAY, SO YOU HEAR MY ANGER.

SO I GET ANGRY.

I ALREADY TOLD YOU

THAT I'VE GOT A LAME MOM

A BLOWHARD DAD

AND A PERFECT SISTER.

SO THEY MAKE ME MAD-- BIG DEAL.

WHY TAKE IT OUT ON ARNOLD?

WHY DO YOU KEEP BRINGING UP ARNOLD?

I AM NOT ANGRY AT ARNOLD.

YOU EXPRESS MORE ANGER AT HIM THAN ANYONE ELSE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

HELGA, IF YOU FEEL LIKE GETTING SOMETHING OFF YOUR CHEST

LIKE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT ARNOLD

NOW MIGHT BE A PRETTY GOOD TIME TO DO IT.

ANYTHING YOU SAY WILL BE KEPT IN CONFIDENCE.

CONFIDENCE?

IT'S MY PROFESSIONAL CODE NOT TO TELL WHAT GOES ON HERE.

YOU'RE SWORN NOT TO TELL?

OF COURSE, HELGA.

I MEAN, YOU'RE SWORN, RIGHT?

EVEN IF YOU WERE TORTURED, YOU'D NEVER TELL?

I SWEAR NEVER TO TELL.

SO, LIKE, IF SOMEONE STUCK YOUR HEAD IN A CAGE WITH A STARVED, RABID RAT

YOU STILL WOULDN'T TELL?

EVEN THEN, HELGA, I STILL WOULDN'T TELL.

WELL... I...

YOU...

I...

I LOVE ARNOLD!

THERE, I SAID IT!

I LOVE HIM, I LOVE HIM!

ARNOLD, ARNOLD, ARNOLD!

I'M ABSITIVELY, POSOLUTELY IN LOVE WITH THE BOY!

I WANT TO GROW UP AND TRAVEL THE WORLD WITH HIM.

COFFEE IN PARIS, ROSES, SAILBOATS, THE WHOLE NINE YARDS!

I WANT TO HAVE A PERFUME NAMED AFTER US: ARNOLD AND HELGA.

I LOVE ARNOLD!

( car alarm beeping )

SATISFIED?

NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE.

IF YOU EVER TELL ANYONE

I'LL RIP YOUR TONGUE OUT AND WRAP IT AROUND YOUR NECK!

YOU CAN TRUST ME.

( sighs )

MAN... THAT WAS BUILDING UP FOR A WHILE.

I KNOW... BUT YOU SAID IT.

AND THE WORLD DIDN'T END, DID IT?

( sighs ) NO.

PRETTY SICK, AREN'T I?

I MEAN, I ONCE

SCULPTED ARNOLD'S LIKENESS

OUT OF WADS OF HIS USED GUM.

YOU'RE NOT SICK.

YOU FEEL YOUR FEELINGS VERY STRONGLY.

YOU'RE VERY CREATIVE.

DID YOU SAY USED GUM?

OKAY, SO YOU LOVE ARNOLD

AND YOU'RE SCARED TO TELL HIM

BECAUSE HE MIGHT NOT LOVE YOU BACK.

HELGA, THIS KIND OF THING HAPPENS EVERY DAY.

BUT YOU'LL NEVER KNOW HOW HE FEELS

UNTIL YOU TELL HIM.

BUT I'M NOT READY TO TELL HIM!

YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL HIM UNTIL YOU'RE READY.

I CAN STILL KEEP IT A SECRET?

MM-HMM.

IT'S OKAY

TO BE OBSESSED ABOUT HIM?

YOU KNOW, THE SHRINES AND STUFF

THE TANTRIC SPELLS?

AS LONG AS YOU'RE NOT HURTING ANYONE

IT SOUNDS LIKE AN OKAY WAY TO EXPRESS YOURSELF.

ANIMAL SACRIFICES ARE OUT?

YES, I'M AFRAID SO.

SO IT'S OKAY TO BE HELGA.

I CAN GO OUT THERE AND YELL

AND BOSS THE OTHER KIDS AROUND, RIGHT?

RIGHT.

CAN I STILL SOCK BRAINY?

NO, DON'T SOCK BRAINY.

THAT'S WHY YOU'RE HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

OKAY, THAT'S PLENTY TO THINK ABOUT.

SESSION'S OVER, HELGA.

WHAT?! ALREADY?

BUT WE WERE JUST MAKING SOME PROGRESS.

WE CAN TALK AGAIN.

AH!

MAN, I FEEL GREAT!

SO CLEAN.

CONFESSION IS GOOD FOR THE SOUL.

IT'S THE NEW, HONEST ME!

( both grunt )

SORRY, HELGA.

ARNOLD!

I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT...

THAT...

THAT YOU SHOULD

WATCH WHERE YOU'RE WALKING!

QUIT CRASHING INTO ME ALL THE TIME! SHEESH!

NICE RUNNING INTO YOU, TOO, HELGA.

( laughs )

LOOK AT HIM.

ALL TICKED OFF.

HE DOESN'T GET IT.

HE DOESN'T KNOW MY SECRET.

WHAT A SAP.

WHAT A MAROON.

HE STILL CAN'T EVEN TELL... THAT I ADORE HIM.

OH, MY FOOTBALL-HEADED LOVE GOD.

I'M OKAY, YOU'RE OKAY, WE'RE ALL OKAY.

I LOVE YOU, LOVE YOU, LOVE YOU!

( nasal breathing )

LOOK, BRAINY, THIS IS JUST WEIRD.

HOW IS IT THAT YOU'RE BEHIND ME AGAIN?

HOW DID YOU GET HERE?

WERE YOU WAITING FOR ME TO COME TO THIS ALLEY?

WHAT'S YOUR DEAL?

OKAY... I'M NOT GOING TO HIT YOU THIS TIME.

THIS ONE'S FOR FREE.

TODAY I'M FEELING GENEROUS.

BUT TOMORROW, LOOK OUT.

All: HEY, HELGA, HOW YOU DOING?

LOOKING GOOD!

[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and NICKELODEON