Original subtitles

Helga: ARNOLD!

( barking )

HEY, ARNOLD!

( glass shatters )

( girl shrieks )

Helga: HEY, ARNOLD!

ARNOLD!

ARNOLD!

ARNOLD!

[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and NICKELODEON]

AR-NOLD!

MOVE IT, FOOTBALL HEAD!

Kids: HEY, ARNOLD!

( class bell rings )

AND THEN THE COW SAYS TO THE FARMER, "BUTTER?"

"I THOUGHT YOU SAID, 'UDDER.'"

( Arnold laughs, sighs )

LILA, THAT'S REALLY FUNNY.

GOSH, ARNOLD, THANKS EVER SO MUCH.

HERE YOU GO, HELGA.

EXCUSE ME...

I THINK I JUST OFFERED YOU

AN INVITATION TO MY COSTUME PARTY THIS WEEKEND.

OH, YEAH, THANKS.

NOW MOVE ALONG, WOULD YOU, SISTER?

INGRATE.

Arnold: I'M SERIOUS, LILA.

YOU REALLY DO TELL THE BEST STORIES.

OH, ARNOLD, YOU'RE, OH, TOO KIND.

( growls )

WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE THERE'S ONLY ONE LEFT.

YOU GO AHEAD.

NOT AT ALL, ARNOLD.

I'M CERTAIN YOU SHOULD TAKE IT.

YOU SURE?

EVER SO SURE.

THANKS, LILA.

THAT'S REALLY THOUGHTFUL OF YOU.

WOW, LILA, THOSE ARE REALLY NICE BOWS.

ARE THEY NEW?

GOSH, NO, ARNOLD.

I WEAR THEM JUST EVERY OLD DAY.

WELL, TODAY THEY LOOK ESPECIALLY NICE.

THANK YOU, ARNOLD.

YOU'RE EVER SO SWEET.

ARNOLD, FOREVER UNDER LILA'S SPELL.

ETERNALLY WORSHIPPING HER EVERY STINKING MOVE.

CONSTANTLY ENRAPTURED BY HER, OH, SO ADORABLE SENSE OF HUMOR.

AND HER SELFLESSNESS, AND HER CUTE HAIR ACCESSORIES.

AND YET... HOW I WISH I WAS BORN A LITTLE MISS PERFECT.

HOW I LONG TO BE FUNNY AND KIND AND FEMININE.

HOW I DREAM THAT I COULD SOMEHOW BE MORE LIKE LILA

SO THAT YOU, MY LOVE

MIGHT BLINDLY WORSHIP ME INSTEAD.

WAIT, THAT'S A GREAT IDEA!

IF I WANT TO GET ARNOLD'S ATTENTION

ALL I HAVE TO DO IS START ACTING LIKE LILA.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I DIDN'T THINK OF THIS SOONER.

NOW, ALL I GOT TO DO IS GET MISS PERFECT TO COACH ME.

TEACH YOU TO BE LIKE ME?

I'M SORRY, HELGA, BUT...

I'M CERTAIN I JUST DON'T GET WHY.

LOOK, LILA, IT'S SIMPLE.

I'VE BEEN THINKING

AND I'VE DECIDED IT'S HIGH TIME

I TURNED OVER A NEW LEAF.

IMPROVE MY SELF IMAGE, BE NICER TO PEOPLE, ACT MORE SOCIABLE

AND I FIGURED YOU'D BE THE PERFECT PERSON TO HELP ME.

YOU DID?

YEAH, LILA.

AFTER ALL, YOU ARE THE NICEST, FUNNIEST

MOST FEMININE GIRL IN SCHOOL.

GOSH, HELGA, I'M EVER SO FLATTERED THAT YOU FEEL THAT WAY.

I'D LOVE TO HELP YOU OUT.

Helga: LET'S START WITH THOSE FUNNY STORIES.

WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR MATERIAL? IT'S INCREDIBLE.

I SUPPOSE I JUST DRAW FROM MY OWN PERSONAL EXPERIENCES.

MAN, THAT OUGHT TO BE A SNAP.

NOW, ABOUT THE WAY YOU'RE ALWAYS

ACTING SO NICE TO PEOPLE.

HOW COULD I LEARN TO DO THAT?

WELL, I GUESS YOU COULD BEGIN BY GIVING SOMEONE AN, OH, SO SIMPLE COMPLIMENT.

COMPLIMENTING SOMEONE....

HOW ABOUT THIS ACTING LIKE A GIRLY-GIRL ROUTINE?

I COULD USE A FEW POINTERS.

WELL, FOR STARTERS, YOU COULD TRY AND BE LESS ARGUMENTATIVE.

YOU DO TEND TO GET IN, OH, SO MANY FIGHTS AND CONFRONTATIONS.

NON-CONFRONTATIONAL-- I LIKE IT.

ALL RIGHT, LILA, STARTING TOMORROW

YOU AND I PUT OPERATION SELF-IMPROVEMENT INTO ACTION.

IT'S SOUNDS, OH, TOO EXCITING, HELGA.

I'LL SEE YOU BRIGHT AND EARLY.

SEE YOU, LILA.

( laughs ) LILA-- WHAT A SAP, WHAT A STOOGE

WHAT AN UNWITTING PAWN IN MY MASTER SCHEME.

TOMORROW, I'LL PUT MY LITTLE PLAN INTO ACTION, ALL RIGHT

AND I'LL HAVE ARNOLD FALLING FOR ME BEFORE I KNOW IT.

Stinky: MORNING, HELGA.

MORNING, MISS LILA.

HAVE YOU COME PREPARED TO SPIN US ONE OF YOUR SPIRITED YARNS?

NO, STINKY, BUT I'M CERTAIN HELGA

MUST HAVE A DELIGHTFUL STORY

SHE'D LIKE TO SHARE WITH US.

( whispers ): REMEMBER, JUST STICK TO TRUE EVENTS.

TRUE LIFE-- GOT IT.

( clears throat )

I'M SITTING ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV

WHEN BIG BOB WALKS IN WITH A BAG

FROM FONG CHUNG'S.

MIRIAM, WHO'S WEARING SOME SILKY NIGHTGOWN THING

TAKES ONE LOOK AT HIM AND SAYS, "CHINESE TAKE-OUT?

I THOUGHT YOU SAID WE WERE GOING TO MAKE OUT."

( laughs ) PRETTY FUNNY, HUH?

WHAT? WHAT DID I SAY?

GARSH, THAT GOT TO BE

THE MOST UNSEEMLY SCHOOLYARD TALE I'VE EVER HEARD.

THE THING IS, I JUST CAN'T DECIDE WHETHER I SHOULD GO TO THE PARTY AS A PRIMA BALLERINA

OR A GO-GO DANCER.

IT'S SIMPLY DRIVING ME MAD.

THIS WOULD BE AN, OH, TOO PERFECT TIME FOR A COMPLIMENT, HELGA.

COMPLIMENT-- NO PROBLEM.

IF YOU ASK ME, RHONDA

I THINK YOU SHOULD GO WITH BALLERINA.

THE TUTU WILL COVER YOUR THIGHS AND YOUR LEGS WON'T LOOK AS FAT.

OH!

WHAT?

WHAT DID I DO?

THAT'S IT-- SHE'S UNINVITED.

EWW, LOOK, IT'S HELGA PATAKI

AND HER BIG, HAIRY CATERPILLAR EYEBROW!

HELGA, I'M EVER SO CERTAIN

THIS WOULD A GOOD OPPORTUNITY

TO PRACTICE BEING NON-CONFRONTATIONAL.

NON-CONFRONTATIONAL-- RIGHT.

YOU'RE SO UGLY, HELGA, YOU BETTER NOT SIT

ANYWHERE NEAR ME OR I MIGHT LOSE MY APPETITE!

( laughing )

UM, HELGA, ARE YOU, OH, SO CERTAIN THAT YOU WANT TO TURN OVER A NEW LEAF?

HAROLD, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

ARNOLD!

I MEAN...

OF COURSE I WANT

TO TURN OVER A NEW LEAF.

I JUST HAVEN'T TRIED HARD ENOUGH.

I'M SPENDING EVERY WAKING MINUTE WITH YOU UNTIL I GET IT RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, HELGA...

IF YOU'RE CERTAIN THAT'S THE BEST THING TO DO.

( singing opera... )

( singing opera... )

...THEN MIRIAM SAYS TO BOB

"NEW BEEPER? I THOUGHT YOU SAID, 'ZOO KEEPER.'"

( laughing )

I JUST CAN'T DECIDE WHETHER TO SERVE

TRIANGULAR-SHAPED FINGER SANDWICHES

OR SQUARE ONES.

IT'S SIMPLY DRIVING ME MAD.

WELL, IF YOU ASK ME, RHONDA

I THINK YOU SHOULD GO WITH BOTH.

THAT WAY YOU WON'T HAVE TO STIFLE YOUR, OH, SO WONDERFUL

SENSE OF CREATIVITY.

I'LL... I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT.

OH, LOOK, IT'S HELGA PATAKI

AND HER BIG, DUMB BILLY GOAT EARS!

YOU BETTER NOT SIT ANYWHERE NEAR ME

OR I MIGHT JUST BARF ALL OVER THE PLACE!

OH, HAROLD...

IT'S JUST EVER SO CHARMING THE WAY YOU FEEL SO COMFORTABLE

KIDDING AROUND WITH ME.

GOSH, HELGA, THE PROGRESS YOU'VE MADE

IS JUST EVER SO IMPRESSIVE.

GOSH, LILA, THANKS EVER SO MUCH.

Helga: OH, MY BELOVED, MY MOST DIFFICULT TRANSFORMATION IS ALMOST COMPLETE.

TONIGHT AT RHONDA'S PARTY

I'LL FINALLY SHOW YOU FACE-TO-FACE

JUST HOW FUNNY AND NICE AND LILA-LIKE I CAN BE

AND THEN, ARNOLD, THEN YOU WILL AT LAST BE MINE!

( thunder crashes )

( laughing )

OW!

HELGA?

DO YOU LIKE IT?

IT'S TO THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME.

GOSH, HELGA.

I'M CERTAIN I JUST LOVE IT.

I'M, OH, SO HAPPY THAT YOU FEEL THAT WAY, LILA.

AND NOW I'M CERTAIN

I OUGHT TO BE GETTING MYSELF SOME PUNCH.

OKAY, HELGA... I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

HEY, LILA.

HELLO, ARNOLD.

HELGA? WOW, GREAT COSTUME.

WHY, THANK YOU, ARNOLD.

MAY I SAY THAT YOUR COSTUME IS EVER SO ENCHANTING AS WELL.

THANKS, HELGA.

YOU'RE EVER SO WELCOME.

WELL, I GUESS I BETTER GO MINGLE.

NO, ARNOLD, WAIT!

I MEAN... I'M CERTAIN I HAVE

AN EVER SO AMUSING JOKE TO TELL YOU BEFORE YOU GO.

SURE, HELGA.

WHATEVER DO YOU CALL

A COW THAT'S LAYING ON A BARN FLOOR?

I DON'T KNOW.

GROUND BEEF.

( laughs )

HEY, THAT'S PRETTY FUNNY.

GOSH, ARNOLD, THANKS EVER SO MUCH.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY ONE OF RHONDA'S

OH, SO ADORABLE FINGER SANDWICHES?

UM, HELGA, IT LOOKS LIKE THERE'S ONLY ONE LEFT.

OH, WELL, GOSH.

YOU GO AHEAD.

NOT AT ALL, ARNOLD.

YOU SHOULD TAKE IT.

YOU SURE?

EVER SO SURE.

THANKS, HELGA.

THAT'S REALLY THOUGHTFUL OF YOU.

OH, ARNOLD, I'M EVER SO CERTAIN I CAN'T SEE A THING.

JUST TRUST ME, YOU'LL BE FINE.

ARNOLD, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SEC, BUDDY?

SURE. DON'T WORRY-- I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

CERTAINLY.

( sighs )

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

PLAYING PIN THE TAIL ON THE MONKEY.

I MEAN, WHY ARE YOU SPENDING TIME WITH HELGA?

I'M HAVING FUN HANGING OUT WITH HER.

ARNOLD, WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE.

THE REASON YOU'RE HANGING OUT WITH HELGA

IS BECAUSE SHE'S WALKING AROUND LOOKING AND ACTING LIKE LILA.

OH, COME ON, GERALD, THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH LILA.

NOW, I GOT TO GET BACK TO THE GAME.

WHATEVER YOU SAY.

SO, WHERE WERE WE?

YOU WERE JUST ABOUT TO SPIN ME AROUND.

RIGHT, LILA.

WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DID I CALL YOU?

I'M SURE YOU JUST CALLED ME LILA.

NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

I'M... EVER SO CERTAIN... YOU DID, ARNOLD.

WELL, I'M SORRY.

I MEAN, IT'S AN EASY MISTAKE TO MAKE.

YOU KNOW, CONSIDERING THE COSTUME.

RIGHT. ARNOLD, WILL YOU EXCUSE ME A MOMENT?

OH, WHO AM I KIDDING?

THIS WHOLE THING IS COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS.

SO WHAT IF ARNOLD'S FINALLY SPENDING TIME WITH ME

AND LISTENING TO MY STUPID JOKES

AND OFFERING TO SHARE HIS FINGER SANDWICHES?

HE ISN'T DOING IT BECAUSE OF ME, HE'S DOING IT

BECAUSE I REMIND HIM OF LILA.

THAT'S IT, I AM SICK OF BEING MISS PHONY PERFECT, ANYWAY.

I'M GOING BACK TO THE PARTY AND I'M GOING AS MYSELF... NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS.

HELGA, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR COSTUME?

I TOOK IT OFF, ARNOLD.

I WAS FEELING UNCOMFORTABLE.

OH.

STILL UP FOR A ROUND

OF PIN THE TAIL ON THE MONKEY?

ACTUALLY, IT'S GETTING KIND OF COLD OUT HERE.

I THINK I'M GOING TO GO IN.

OKAY... I GUESS I'LL JUST SEE YOU WHEN I SEE YOU, ARNOLD.

YEAH.

OH, WELL...

I GUESS IT WASN'T MEANT TO BE.

ARNOLD WILL NEVER LIKE ME LIKE ME.

THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS.

IT WAS STUPID OF ME TO EVER THINK I COULD CHANGE THAT.

Lila: HI, ARNOLD.

WHEREVER HAVE YOU BEEN?

I'M EVER SO CERTAIN

I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU AT ALL TONIGHT.

I'VE BEEN HANGING OUT WITH HELGA.

THAT SOUNDS NICE.

YEAH, IT WAS NICE.

SOMETIMES HELGA CAN BE REALLY MEAN

BUT THEN OTHER TIMES, LIKE TONIGHT, SHE CAN BE PRETTY OKAY.

WHEN SHE IS, WELL, THEN I ACTUALLY KIND OF LIKE HER. ANYWAY...

YOU WANT TO GO GET SOME PUNCH, LILA?

OKAY, SO HE DOESN'T LIKE ME LIKE ME

BUT HE DOES LIKE ME

AND THAT MEANS I'M HALFWAY THERE.

( Helga sighs )

HERE'S YOUR GRANDMA'S VEAL CHOPS, ARNOLD.

( crash )

Grandpa: DAGNABBIT!

GRANDPA? ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

I'M FINE, BUT MY DARN CAR'S IN A GIGANTIC HOLE.

THIRD TIME THIS MONTH THE PACKARD'S ENDED UP IN THERE.

THAT GOOD-FOR-NOTHING COUNCILMAN GLADHAND...

I COMPLAINED TO HIS OFFICE AGAIN JUST YESTERDAY, BUT NOTHING!

DID YOU TALK TO HIM IN PERSON?

THOSE POLITICIANS ARE ALWAYS AT LUNCH.

WELL, IT'S 4:30-- I'LL GIVE IT A TRY.

HE'S AT LUNCH-- A LATE LUNCH!

BOY, OH, BOY, THAT JUST REALLY PUTS THE GRAVY

ON THE WHOLE LOUSY BRISKET, DOESN'T IT?

MAYBE WE SHOULD GO TO HIS OFFICE AND TALK TO HIM.

THAT'S AN IDEA-- I'M GOING DOWN THERE RIGHT NOW.

COME ON, ARNOLD.

GIVE 'EM HECK, BOYS!

( laughs )

WHO'S GOING TO HELP ME GET MY CAR

OUT OF THIS HOLE?

Woman: I'M SORRY, COUNCILMAN GLADHAND

IS STILL IN HIS WORKING LUNCH.

BUT IT'S ALMOST DINNERTIME.

HE'S AT A VERY IMPORTANT COMMITTEE MEETING.

( men laughing )

OH, WELL, WELL, THAT WAS A VERY PRODUCTIVE LUNCH.

ALWAYS HAPPY TO HELP

A MAJOR CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTOR LIKE YOU, MIKE.

( laughing )

UH, MR. COUNCILMAN, SIR.

YOU HAVE SOME VISITORS.

WHY, THIS IS WONDERFUL.

A CONCERNED YOUNG CITIZEN AND A LOCAL TRADESMAN.

IT'S A PERFECT PHOTO OP, LORRAINE.

WE DIDN'T REALLY COME HERE TO TAKE PICTURES, COUNCILMAN.

MY NAME'S MARTY GREEN.

I GOT A BUTCHER SHOP ON VINE STREET.

THIS IS ARNOLD.

MY PLEASURE.

SURE, NICE TO MEET YOU.

WE CAME HERE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT A GIANT POTHOLE ON OUR STREET.

MY GRANDPA'S PACKARD FELL IN.

PACKARD! FINE OLD AMERICAN CAR.

YEAH, IT'S A GREAT CAR.

BUT ABOUT THE POTHOLE PROBLEM.

MR. GREEN, I PROMISE YOU THAT IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS

THAT MY COMPREHENSIVE PROBLEM-SOLVING COMMITTEE

WILL LOOK INTO THIS POTHOLE QUANDARY IN THE MOST EXPEDIENT TIMEFRAME POSSIBLE

AND MAKE A COMPREHENSIVE RECOMMENDATION FOR THE QUICKEST POSSIBLE SOLUTION.

NOW I AM OFF

TO A MOST IMPORTANT MEETING.

UPCOMING ELECTIONS, THREE WEEKS.

VOTE GLADHAND!

UH, WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

HEY, LOOKS LIKE COUNCILMAN GLADHAND'S DOING

WHAT HE SAID HE WOULD.

A BOARD?! A LOUSY PLYWOOD BOARD?!

THAT'S HIS SOLUTION?

UH, YEAH, THE ORDER CAME RIGHT DOWN

FROM COUNCILMAN GLADHAND HIMSELF.

IT'S A PRETTY GOOD BOARD.

COUNCILMAN SAYS STICK A BOARD ON IT, THE JOB'S DONE.

WELL, IT'S A LITTLE BIT OF PROGRESS, I GUESS.

( crash )

Grandpa: DAGNABBIT!

AGAIN!

( both gasp )

( horns honking )

HEY, THE LIGHTS JUST WENT OUT!

TRANSFORMER'S DEAD.

THANK YOU, COUNCILMAN GLADHAND.

Grandpa: HEY... ( banging )

WELL, FOLKS, HERE I AM AGAIN

CRAWLING OUT OF THIS BIG STUPID HOLE THAT I DROVE MY CAR INTO.

( people talking angrily )

Green: WE ALL HAVE THE SAME COMPLAINT.

GLADHAND JUST PROMISES THINGS, BUT DOESN'T DELIVER.

All: YEAH!

IF GLADHAND

HAD FIXED THAT POTHOLE

THE OLD MAN WOULDN'T HAVE DRIVEN HIS CAR INTO IT.

YEAH... WAIT A MINUTE, WHO YOU CALLING AN OLD MAN?

I KNOW I'M JUST A BUTCHER, BUT THIS WHOLE SITUATION

IS TURNING INTO A ROTTING, STINKING PIECE OF BEEF!

All: YEAH!

WE ALL KNOW AND LOVE OUR NEIGHBORHOOD

MUCH BETTER THAN GLADHAND DOES.

HE SHOULD FILL UP THIS POTHOLE!

MR. GREEN FOR COUNCILMAN!

All: YEAH!

WAIT, I'M JUST A BUTCHER.

YOU CAN DO IT, MR. GREEN.

All ( chanting ): MR. GREEN... MR. GREEN...

OKAY, I'LL DO IT, I'LL RUN FOR COUNCILMAN.

( cheering )

WILL YOU HELP ME, ARNOLD?

SURE, MR. GREEN.

SO, UH, WRAPPING UP, WE HAVE TO, UH, WORK TOGETHER.

SO, MR. MARTY GREEN, DO YOU THINK YOU CAN BEAT ME IN THE ELECTION?

WELL, SIR, I'M GOING TO TRY.

AND ARE YOU GOING TO HELP THE BUTCHER, LITTLE BOY?

ARNOLD IS MY CAMPAIGN MANAGER.

( women laugh )

DO YOU HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE, ARNOLD?

I HELPED MY FRIEND GERALD GET ELECTED PRESIDENT OF THE FOURTH GRADE.

IMPRESSIVE.

WELL, MR. GREEN AND CAMPAIGN MANAGER ARNOLD

I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DEBATE IN FRONT OF OUR NEIGHBORS.

HOW'S NEXT MONDAY NIGHT?

I'LL BE HAPPY TO DEBATE YOU, COUNCILMAN.

( no dialogue... )

Green: AW, THE COUNCILMAN'S WAY AHEAD OF ME IN THE POLLS, ARNOLD.

DON'T WORRY, MR. GREEN.

THE POLLS CAN CHANGE.

WHEN YOU'RE UP ON THAT STAGE TOMORROW

JUST SAY HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THINGS.

YOU KNOW, BE YOURSELF.

Gladhand: This election constitutes a battle of attitudes, dispositions and perspectives.

THERE HE GOES AGAIN WITH ALL HIS FANCY WORDS.

Vote Gladhand! You'll be glad you did.

I CAN'T JUST BE MYSELF UP THERE IN THAT DEBATE, ARNOLD.

HE'LL EAT ME ALIVE.

I GOT TO COME UP WITH SOME FANCY WORDS.

I GOT TO OUT-GLADHAND GLADHAND.

I REALLY DON'T THINK THAT'S THE BEST WAY TO DO IT.

ARNOLD, I APPRECIATE YOUR CONCERNS

BUT I'M ABOUT TO LOSE THIS ELECTION

SO I GOT TO DO WHAT I THINK IS BEST.

I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

Woman: THE NEXT QUESTION IN THE DEBATE

IS "HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE THE CURRENT CONDITION OF OUR NEIGHBORHOOD?"

THE CURRENT LIVABILITY ENVIRONMENT IS SUCH

IN OUR SPECIFIED DISTRICT THAT THE INHABITANTS THEREOF

ENJOY A STATUS QUO THAT IS UNWAVERING IN ITS COMFORT

AND FRUITION LEVEL.

I SAY DON'T GO GREEN, GO RED, WHITE AND BLUE!

( audience cheering )

VOTE GLADHAND!

YOU'LL BE GLAD YOU DID.

MR. GREEN, SAME QUESTION.

AS A MEMBER OF THE, UM, UH, CITIZENRY OF THE, UM, UH, THIS AREA

I THINK WHAT MAKES, UH, EACH ONE A RESIDENT

WE HAVE TO STATE, NO, EXCLAIM, UM

IN A LOUD, UH, CA... CA... CA-PHONY...

WHAT? HE'S NOT SAYING ANYTHING.

...PARTICULAR SUBJECTS THAT IMPACT THE LOCALE...

CALLED...

( booing )

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I TOOK A CHANCE USING THOSE BIG WORDS

'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT THE PEOPLE WANTED TO HEAR.

INSTEAD I'M BORING THEM ALL TO TEARS.

AND I HATE WEARING THIS THREE-PIECE SUIT!

I'M NOT FOOLING ANYONE.

NO ONE OUT THERE WANTS TO BE FOOLED.

THEY WANT YOU TO BE YOURSELF

AND TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU KNOW.

WHAT DO I KNOW? I'M A BUTCHER.

YOU KNOW A LOT OF STUFF.

YOU WORK HARD AND YOU RUN A BUSINESS.

BEING COUNCILMAN IS LIKE RUNNING A BUSINESS.

THIS MAY SOUND CRAZY, BUT IMAGINE IF THE NEIGHBORHOOD

WAS LIKE A BIG BUTCHER SHOP.

BIG BUTCHER SHOP, HMM?

I COULD TALK LIKE MYSELF, LIKE A BUTCHER. I LIKE IT!

I'M A BUTCHER WHO'S MAD AS HECK ABOUT POTHOLES

AND KNOWS ABOUT POT ROAST!

THAT'S GOOD.

Moderator: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... LET'S RESUME.

I BETTER GET OUT THERE.

GOOD LUCK.

THANKS, KID.

YOU'RE A GOOD EGG.

LET ME ASK YOU... WHY ARE YOU SPENDING

SO MUCH TIME TRYING TO GET ME ELECTED?

BECAUSE I LOVE THIS NEIGHBORHOOD AS MUCH AS YOU DO.

I REALIZE I WAS TRYING TO USE

BIG, FANCY WORDS BEFORE

BUT THEY DIDN'T REALLY MEAN ANYTHING.

I'M YOUR BUTCHER.

BUT I ALSO WANT TO BE YOUR COUNCILMAN.

IF YOU ELECT ME, I WILL LISTEN TO EVERYONE

JUST LIKE I PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO EACH PIECE OF POULTRY

WHEN I PLUCK IT, MARINATE IT AND COOK IT.

( audience murmurs )

COUNCILMAN GLADHAND

HOW WILL YOU DEAL

WITH THE POTHOLE PROBLEMS

IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD?

THE, UH... BETTERMENT

OF OUR NEIGHBORHOOD

DEPENDS ON A CONSOLIDATED

JOINT EFFORT BY ALL PEOPLES INVOLVED.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!

( crowd muttering angrily )

MR. GREEN, SAME QUESTION.

OUR NEIGHBORHOOD IS LIKE A PRIME CUT OF MEAT: IT'S SPECIAL.

YOU CAN'T JUST THROW A PRIME CUT ON A GRILL AND FORGET ABOUT IT

AND YOU CAN'T JUST FORGET ABOUT THE PROBLEMS OF OUR NEIGHBORHOOD

IF ELECTED, I'LL MAKE SURE THAT ALL THE POTHOLES ARE FILLED.

I CARE ABOUT MY NEIGHBORHOOD.

IT'S A PRIME CUT OF A PLACE!

( chanting ): MR. GREEN... MR. GREEN...

( cheering )

HE'S JUST A BUTCHER!

HE'S TALKING ABOUT MEAT!

( cheering... )

( chanting ): MR. GREEN... MR. GREEN...

Green: LET'S NOT OVERCOOK THE IMPORTANT ISSUES.

I DON'T SELL HAMBURGER AND CALL IT FILET MIGNON

AND AS A COUNCILMAN

I WON'T THROW A BOARD OVER A POTHOLE AND CALL IT FIXED!

( cheering )

THANK YOU!

HEY, ARNOLD!

I RESPECT THE FINE WORK THAT YOU DID

AS MR. GREEN'S CAMPAIGN MANAGER

AND SO I THOUGHT THAT I WOULD PROPOSE THAT WE MAKE A PACT.

A PACT?

I WANT MR. GREEN TO QUIT THE RACE.

IF HE DOES, I'LL FIX THE POTHOLE IN FRONT OF HIS SHOP

AND I'LL THROW A BIG CATERED PARTY FOR YOUR WHOLE BLOCK.

AND WHAT ABOUT THE POTHOLES IN THE REST OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD?

I'LL FORM A COMMITTEE TO STUDY THE ISSUE EX POST FACTO.

MR. GREEN'S NOT GOING TO QUIT.

HE'S A GOOD, HONEST GUY

WHO WANTS A FAIR ELECTION.

I HAVE TO GO. GOOD LUCK.

ARNOLD, TRY TO GET GREEN TO QUIT, PLEASE?

DO YOU LIKE BALLOONS?

OH-HO, I'VE GOT BALLOONS.

PLEASE, KID.

PLEASE!

( phone ringing... )

People: SHH... QUIET... SHH...!

HELLO?

REALLY?

WELL, THANKS.

OH, NO, I DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT.

YOU LOST! OH, MERCY!

ACTUALLY, EVERYBODY...

I WON!

( cheering... )

I WANT TO THANK YOU ALL FOR SUPPORTING ME

AND ESPECIALLY ARNOLD

WHO HELPED ME FROM DAY ONE

AND IS A REALLY GOOD FRIEND AND A GOOD GUY.

( chanting ): ARNOLD... ARNOLD...

( cheering )

CONGRATULATIONS, COUNCILMAN GREEN.

( cheering )

HEY, I USED A NEW MARINADE ON THE SHISH KEBAB.

WANT TO TRY IT?

I WOULD, BUT I DON'T TRUST POLITICIANS.

( laughs )

( tearfully ): I LOST...

LORRAINE? LORRAINE?!

( crying )

LORRAINE?

( crying )

AAH...!

[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and NICKELODEON