Original subtitles

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Helga: ARNOLD!

( barking )

HEY, ARNOLD!

( glass shatters )

( girl shrieks )

Helga: HEY, ARNOLD!

ARNOLD!

ARNOLD!

ARNOLD!

[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and NICKELODEON]

AR-NOLD!

MOVE IT, FOOTBALL HEAD!

Kids: HEY, ARNOLD!

Grandpa: OH, BOY, THIS IS THE LIFE...

SITTING IN A PACKARD SIPPING ROOT BEER FLOATS

WITH ONE OF MY FAVORITE GRANDSONS.

JUST KIDDING-- YOU'RE MY FAVORITE.

( crash )

MOTHER HUBBARD!

WHO IN THE BLUE BLAZES JUST SLAMMED INTO MY CAR?

ARNOLD?

WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

WE GOT OURSELVES

AN OLD-FASHIONED FENDER-BENDER.

ARE YOU BLIND, YOU OLD BUZZARD?

LOOK AT MY CAR!

THIS IS YOUR FAULT!

MY FAULT?

YOU BACKED RIGHT INTO US.

HOPE YOU BROUGHT YOUR CHECKBOOK.

YOU'LL NEVER GET A DIME OUT OF ME.

OH, YEAH?

YEAH!

LOOK AT THE DAMAGE HERE!

NICE JOB, ARNOLD.

DAD WILL YELL ABOUT THIS FOR WEEKS.

IT'S ONLY A LITTLE FENDER-BENDER.

THEY'LL WORK IT OUT.

NYAH, NYAH, NYAH, NYAH, NYAH.

YOU CAN'T CATCH ME.

LOOK, YOU, I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.

I'M LATE FOR MY GOLF GAME.

SO THAT'S WHY YOU'RE IN THAT IDIOTIC COSTUME--

TO PLAY GOLF, EH?

THAT'S RIGHT, GOLF.

EVER HEARD OF IT?

HEARD OF IT?

WHY, I'VE BEEN GOLFING

SINCE YOU WERE KNEE HIGH TO A...

I DON'T WANT A HISTORY LESSON, PRUNE FACE.

I'M LATE.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

HOW ABOUT YOU AND ME SETTLE THIS THING

OVER A GAME OF GOLF?

SUNDAY-- LOSER PAYS THE DAMAGES FOR BOTH CARS.

ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE ON.

LET'S SHAKE ON IT SO IT'S OFFICIAL.

YOU'RE GOING DOWN HARD, OLD MAN.

SAVE YOUR STRENGTH FOR THE GAME, PATAKI.

COME ON, SHORT MAN, LET'S RUMBLE.

OH, ARNOLD, FATE HAS BROUGHT OUR VEHICLES

CRASHING TOGETHER TODAY BY RECKLESS CHANCE.

ALAS, IF ONLY OUR HEARTS, OUR SOULS, OUR VERY BEINGS

COULD SO FINITELY ENTANGLE.

OH, WHAT A WRETCHED DILEMMA IS THIS.

TO WHOM SHOULD I FORSWEAR MY ALLEGIANCE?

TO BOB, THE BLUSTERY OGRE

OR ARNOLD, HE WHO ALONE CAN SINK A HOLE-IN-ONE IN MY HEART.

Bob: HEY, HELGA, I'LL GIVE YOU 20 BUCKS

TO CADDIE SUNDAY.

DONE DEAL.

Arnold: YOU WORRIED ABOUT THE GOLF GAME, GRANDPA?

COURSE NOT.

OH, WHY, I USED TO PLAY GOLF

WITH MY FRIEND, JIMMY KAFKA

WHEN I WAS A LAD.

WE USED TO HIT THAT BALL ALL DAY LONG.

WE LOBBED IT, HIT IT BACKHAND...

ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT GOLF?

SURE, I AM.

I GOT THE RACKET RIGHT HERE.

THAT'S TENNIS.

GOLF IS ABOUT HITTING A SMALL, WHITE BALL

REALLY LONG DISTANCES

AND GETTING IT IN A TINY HOLE.

YOU MEAN THAT'S GOLF.

THAT GAME THAT'S ON TV ALL THE TIME

WHERE THEY DRIVE THE LITTLE CARS AROUND

AND CARRY THOSE BAGS FULL OF STICKS?

YEAH.

WE CALLED THAT TENNIS.

UH-OH.

OH, NOW THAT BLOWHARD'S GOING TO BEAT ME

AND NEVER LET ME FORGET IT

AND MAKE ME PAY A HUGE MECHANIC'S BILL.

OH!

DO YOU KNOW HOW TO PLAY GOLF?

UH, NOT REALLY.

PERFECT, YOU'RE A FINE COACH.

BUT, I...

I NEED A BALL HERE, HELGA.

CAN'T PLAY GOLF WITHOUT A BALL.

IT'S THE CADDIE'S JOB

TO PLACE THE BALL ON THE TEE.

I'M PAYING YOU 20 BUCKS.

PLACE THE BALL SO I CAN START GOLFING.

THERE.

NOW, GET BACK OUT OF THE WAY

SO I CAN TEE OFF.

( grunts )

WOW! YOU ALMOST GOT A HOLE-IN-ONE, DAD.

OF COURSE-- I'VE BEEN PLAYING THIS GAME SINCE I WAS FIVE.

NOW, QUIT YOUR YAPPING

AND PICK UP THE PACE... CADDIE.

( grumbles )

Arnold: WE NEED SOME GOLF CLUBS.

Clerk: BEGINNER?

Grandpa: I WOULDN'T GO THAT FAR.

THEN I RECOMMEND YOU START WITH THESE.

THEY'RE ON SPECIAL TODAY.

LET ME TRY THAT OUT.

( crash )

WE'LL TAKE THEM.

YOU'LL ALSO GET

MY I GUARANTEE YOU'LL LEARN HOW TO PLAY GOLF

IF YOU WATCH THIS VIDEO VIDEO.

Take your putter and carefully aim...

( muttering in sleep ): CAREFULLY AIM...

...you'll master this exciting game.

HOW'S THE VIDEO, GRANDPA?

HUH, EH, WHAT?

OH, HEY, THE VIDEO, YEAH.

PUT IT ON AND WENT STRAIGHT TO SLEEP.

THE MATCH IS IN A FEW DAYS.

MAYBE WE BETTER GO OUTSIDE

AND ACTUALLY TRY HITTING THE BALL.

OKAY, FINE, WE'LL TRY IT YOUR WAY.

IS THIS ALL THERE IS TO IT?

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO USE TWO HANDS.

NOW, TAKE YOUR TIME.

CONCENTRATE, THEN SWING.

( grunts )

SWING A LITTLE LOWER THIS TIME, GRANDPA.

( glass shatters )

( car alarms wailing )

ONE MORE TIME BEFORE THE COPS COME.

( clang )

( clang )

( bees swarming )

( screaming )

( Grandpa groans )

BOY, I REALLY STINK AT GOLF, HUH?

YOU DON'T STINK, GRANDPA.

YOU'RE REALLY IMPROVING.

THE GAME'S TOMORROW.

YOU SHOULD GET A GOOD NIGHT'S REST.

MMM, I DON'T WANT TO DISAPPOINT THE BOY

BUT I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

( door opens )

Arnold: GRANDPA?

WHERE YOU GOING?

ME? I'M, UH...

I'M TAKING MY SUITCASE OUT... TO BE CLEANED.

THERE'S AN ALL-NIGHT CLEANERS.

WERE YOU TRYING TO SNEAK OUT?

OKAY, OKAY, YOU WORE ME DOWN.

I WAS TRYING TO SNEAK OUT.

I'M SORRY, ARNOLD, BUT I JUST CAN'T GOLF.

THAT'S NO REASON TO RUN AWAY.

I CAN'T BEAT BIG BOB, AND I'LL EMBARRASS YOU

IN FRONT OF YOUR LITTLE UGLY FRIEND

WITH THE ONE EYEBROW AND... ( sobbing )

IT'S OKAY, GRANDPA.

BUT THE HUMILIATION, ARNOLD, THE HUMILIATION.

GRANDPA, YOU CAN'T RUN AWAY.

SURE I CAN.

SAY, DO YOU WANT TO COME WITH ME?

GRANDPA, YOU HAVE TO DO THIS.

IT'S MORE HUMILIATING IF YOU RUN AWAY.

BUT I'M GOING TO LOSE.

WELL, YOU PROBABLY ARE GOING TO LOSE.

BUT IT'S BETTER TO LOSE GRACEFULLY

THAN TO NEVER HAVE TRIED AT ALL.

WHERE'S YOU LEARN THAT MALARKEY? NOT FROM ME.

GRANDPA.

OKAY, OKAY, YOU WIN.

I'LL PLAY THAT BLOWHARD BIG BOB TOMORROW.

GOOD.

NOW, LET'S GET SOME SLEEP, OKAY?

THE ONLY THING THAT'LL PUT ME TO SLEEP

IS THAT STUPID GOLF VIDEO.

Take your putter and carefully aim

and soon you'll master this exciting game.

( sleepily ): TAKE YOUR PUTTER AND CAREFULLY AIM AND SOON... ( snoring )

TAILS IT IS-- I GO FIRST.

HAND ME MY DRIVER, OLGA.

IT'S HELGA, DAD.

H-E-L-G-A.

I KNOW HOW TO SPELL, OLGA.

( grunts )

HA! BEAT THAT, OLD TIMER.

YOU CAN DO IT, GRANDPA-- CONCENTRATE.

WHEN YOU'RE TEEING OFF, HIT THE BALL IN A LOFT.

ATTEMPT TO LAND IT ON THE GREEN

AND NOT ALL THAT OTHER GRASS IN BETWEEN.

( grunts )

WOW!

MOTHER GOOSE!

THAT WAS FANTASTIC, GRANDPA.

WHAT HAPPENED?

YOU GOT ME, SHORT MAN.

I SUDDENLY FOUND MYSELF SAYING A RHYME

FROM THAT IDIOTIC HOW-TO-PLAY-GOLF VIDEO

AND BINGO!

HA! THAT'S THREE-- A BIRDIE.

YOUR SHOT, METHUSELAH.

CONCENTRATE, CONCENTRATE, DON'T LOOK UP.

TAP THE BALL LIGHTLY AND INTO THE CUP.

( cheering )

YOU GOT AN EAGLE.

LIKE A BIRDIE?

IT'S BETTER-- YOU'RE AHEAD.

WHAT IN THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE?

WITH THE WEDGE, CHIP THE BALL HIGH

AND INTO THE CUP LET IT FLY.

( grunts )

( groans )

HIT THE BALL HARD AND HIT IT TRUE

AIM FOR THE FLAGPOLE AND FOLLOW THROUGH.

( grunts )

( onlookers gasp )

( gasps loudly )

( cheering )

WHOO-HOO!

MAN, WHAT A GAME.

I CAN'T BELIEVE GRANDPA AND YOUR DAD ARE TIED.

YEAH, YEAH, I CAN'T WAIT

FOR THIS STUPID GAME TO BE OVER.

I HATE LUGGING THIS...

FORE!

DOOP!

ARE YOU OKAY?

SAY SOMETHING.

( sweetly ): OH, ARNOLD, I'M FINE

AS LONG AS YOU'RE NEAR ME.

YOUR HONEST EYES

SO FULL OF CONCERN AND...

HELGA, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

THAT WAS HEADED

STRAIGHT FOR THE CUP!

THIS COULD COST ME THE WHOLE GAME.

I'M FINE, BOB.

THANKS FOR ASKING.

THEN GET YOUR FANNY ONTO THE GREEN

AND HOLD THE FLAG FOR ME.

HOLD YOUR OWN FLAG, BOB.

I QUIT!

AND YOU CAN KEEP YOUR LOUSY 20 BUCKS.

FINE, I DON'T NEED A CADDIE.

OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

THAT MAKES 77 FOR BIG BOB

AND 75 FOR YOU, GRANDPA.

OH, I THOUGHT I WAS AHEAD.

YOU ARE-- BOB HAS TWO MORE STROKES THAN YOU.

THAT PUTS YOU AHEAD.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

Arnold: THIS IS GREAT.

JUST ONE HOLE TO GO.

COME ON, HURRY IT UP, GRAMPS.

HIT IT ALREADY.

EVERYTHING OKAY, GRANDPA?

OH, I DON'T KNOW, ARNOLD.

THIS IS A CRAZY HOLE--

A LONG FAIRWAY, THEN THERE'S A DOG LEG

BETWEEN TWO WATER HAZARDS

AND THEN A SAND TRAP

AND THEN THERE'S THAT BIG CERAMIC GNOME.

WELL, SAY A POEM AND HIT THE BALL.

BUT THAT'S JUST IT.

I DON'T KNOW ANY CUTE, RHYMING COUPLETS

FOR THIS KIND OF HOLE.

HIT IT, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

THEN JUST MAKE UP A RHYME.

OKAY, HERE IT GOES.

REAL LONG FAIRWAY, BIG DOG LEG

I HATE SAND TRAPS, BUT I LIKE EGGS

WATER HAZARDS LEFT AND RIGHT

SMACK THE BALL WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT!

( grunts )

AH, FALLING APART ON THE 18th HOLE, HUH, GRAMPS?

( grunts )

SEE YOU ON THE GREEN... WITH YOUR CHECKBOOK.

OKAY, OKAY, YOU CAN DO IT.

MILES TO GO, BIG BOB'S A JERK.

LET'S JUST HIT IT, HOPE IT WORKS.

( grunts )

( dishes clatter )

WAITER, THERE'S A GOLF BALL IN MY QUICHE.

Grandpa: DON'T TOUCH THAT BALL!

JUST US PLAYING THROUGH.

I'LL BE GONE IN A MINUTE.

WHAT'S THE SCORE?

BOB'S AHEAD BY TWO STROKES.

THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY YOU CAN WIN:

YOU HAVE TO SINK THIS SHOT.

DO YOU KNOW ANY WORDS THAT RHYME WITH "QUICHE"?

UH, HOW ABOUT THIS:

THESE PEOPLE ARE BRUNCHING, YOUR BALL'S IN THEIR QUICHE

AND WINNING THE GOLF GAME MAY SEEM OUT OF... RICHE.

IT'LL TAKE A MIRACLE TO WIN, BUT YOU'VE COME SO VERY FAR

SO CLOSE YOUR EYES, SWING HARD

AND HOPE THAT BOB PAYS FOR YOUR CAR.

OH, ARNOLD, THAT WAS THE WORST, STUPIDEST POEM I'VE EVER HEARD!

THANKS FOR TRYING, SHORT MAN.

I GOT TO WIN THIS THING BY MYSELF.

HERE GOES NOTHING.

( grunts )

( gasps )

( wind whistles lightly )

( cheering )

YOU DID IT, GRANDPA!

DID WHAT? I'M NOT WEARING MY GLASSES.

YOU BIRDIED.

OH, I HIT A BIRDIE.

THAT'S TERRIBLE.

NO, YOU WON.

OOH, THAT'S WONDERFUL.

HOW'S THE BIRD?

WELL, THANKS FOR ALL YOUR HELP, SHORT MAN.

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GET A ROOT BEER FLOAT?

( crash )

WELL, IT'S DEJA VU ALL OVER AGAIN, GRAMPS.

I'M MAKING YOU PAY UP IN CASH.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE PLAY TENNIS

FOR THE WHOLE KIT AND CABOODLE?

OH, DON'T GET ME STARTED.

SAY HELLO TO MY BRAND-NEW

CANDY-APPLE RED, PATENT LEATHER CAPRINI PLATFORMS.

THEY WERE CUSTOM- MADE IN MILAN.

YOU KNOW, CUSTOM-MADE

AS IN THEY ONLY FIT ME.

( kids gasp )

SORRY, RHONDA.

SORRY?

YOU JUST SCUFFED MY ONE-OF-A-KIND CAPRINI PLATFORM.

LOOK, IT WAS JUST AN ACCIDENT.

MAYBE IF YOU DIDN'T STOMP DOWN THE HALL

WITH THOSE MASSIVE SADDLE SHOES

THIS LITTLE "ACCIDENT" COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED.

NOT ANOTHER WORD.

STEP OFF, YOU BIG NEANDERTHAL.

( gasps )

Kids ( chanting ): FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

Wartz: LADIES, THIS TYPE

OF IMPROPER FISTICUFF CATFIGHTING

IS A SERIOUS BREECH OF SCHOOL POLICY.

I'LL HAVE TO NOTIFY YOUR PARENTS.

Rhonda: THE GIRL THRASHES MY BOOT.

THE NEXT THING I KNOW, SHE'S GOING TO POUND ME.

IT WAS SIMPLY BARBARIC.

WE COULDN'T AGREE MORE, DEAR.

SO WE'VE DECIDED TO SEND YOU

TO THE YOUNG SOPHISTICATE AFTER-SCHOOL POLISHING ACADEMY

FOR BOYS AND GIRLS.

ALL THE LLOYDS HAVE ATTENDED.

THOUGH TRADITIONALLY, FAMILY MEMBERS

HAVE ENROLLED IN THE SIXTH GRADE, WE THOUGHT...

CONSIDERING THE CIRCUMSTANCES

THAT YOU SHOULD START RIGHT AWAY.

IT'S HIGH TIME YOU WERE AROUND OTHERS

MORE LIKE YOURSELF, DARLING.

THANK YOU, MOMMY.

THANK YOU, DADDY.

GROUP HUG.

( all moan )

Woman: TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST, PUMPKIN

YOUR FATHER AND I ARE WORRIED ABOUT YOUR...

WELL, THE WAY YOU DON'T ALWAYS GET ALONG

WITH YOUR CLASSMATES.

AFTER ALL, GUMDROP

YOU'VE BEEN IN QUITE A FEW SQUABBLES THIS SEMESTER.

Mother: AND YOU DON'T SEEM TO HAVE MANY FRIENDS.

AND SO, WE'VE DECIDED TO SIGN YOU UP

FOR THE YOUNG SOPHISTICATE AFTER-SCHOOL POLISHING ACADEMY

FOR BOYS AND GIRLS.

THE BROCHURE SAYS IT'LL HELP SOCIALLY ACTIVATE YOU.

WOULDN'T YOU LIKE THAT, MUFFIN?

I GUESS.

( kids chatting )

NOW, THESE ARE MY KIND OF PEOPLE.

EXCUSE ME.

YOU... WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING HERE?

NEVER MIND.

JUST STAY AS FAR AWAY FROM ME AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.

NO PROBLEM.

Woman: WELCOME, BOYS AND GIRLS.

I AM YOUR INSTRUCTOR, MADAME PARVENU.

TODAY YOU COME TO ME MERE CHILDREN.

IN JUST FOUR SHORT WEEKS

YOU WILL EMERGE CIVILIZED, CULTURED LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

I WANT YOU TO SPREAD OUT AND PRETEND

THAT YOU ARE AT A PARTY.

NOW, WHEN I CALL YOUR NAME, YOU ARE TO CROSS THE ROOM

AND POUR YOURSELF A GLASS OF PUNCH.

SIMPLE, NON?

VERY WELL, LET'S BEGIN WITH RHONDA LLOYD.

HELLO?

DO YOU THINK YOU COULD GET OUT OF MY WAY?

AND NOW... PATTY SMITH.

PARDON ME.

EXCUSE ME, PLEASE.

ALL RIGHT, RHONDA, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS

PRETEND THAT YOU ARE AT A TEA PARTY.

A TEA PARTY? GREAT.

BECAUSE I JUST LOVE TEA PARTIES

BUT ONLY IF THERE'S THE RIGHT SANDWICH.

I MEAN, IF IT'S NOT CUT INTO A PERFECT LITTLE TRIANGLE

IT SIMPLY WILL NOT DO.

WOULD YOU LIKE MORE TEA, PATTY?

NO, THANKS-- HOW ABOUT YOU?

YOU WANT ANOTHER CUP?

ME? WHY, ACTUALLY I WOULD.

THANK YOU FOR ASKING.

BROWNNOSER.

THIS IS MY ONE-OF-A-KIND CAPRINI PLATFORM BOOT.

I USED TO HAVE TWO OF THEM.

ANYWAY, IT COST A TON OF MONEY, SO I'M SURE THAT, YOU KNOW

EVEN WITHOUT THE OTHER ONE, IT'S STILL WORTH SOMETHING.

THANK YOU, RHONDA.

NOW, WHO ELSE IS READY TO PRESENT THEIR ITEM

OF PERSONAL VALUE TO THE CLASS?

MY MOM AND I MADE THESE SOCKS TOGETHER LAST WINTER.

I GUESS THAT MAKES THEM KIND OF SPECIAL.

SPECIAL? YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING.

THANK YOU, REX, THANK YOU, PEPE.

NOW, CLASS, BEFORE YOU GO, I'D LIKE TO DISTRIBUTE

YOUR PRELIMINARY PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS.

THE PURPOSE IS TO LET YOU KNOW

HOW YOU'RE DOING IN MY CLASS THUS FAR.

REX, ARCHER, PATTY.

"PATTY SMITH: COURTEOUS, A GOOD LISTENER, PRACTICAL."

...MILLICENT, RHONDA.

( gasps )

Rhonda: "PUSHY, SELF-OBSESSED...

AND MATERIALISTIC."

MADAME, THIS IS AN OUTRAGE.

THERE MUST BE SOME MISTAKE.

NO, I AM AFRAID THAT THERE IS NOT.

BUT DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

I'M A LLOYD, AND LLOYDS HAVE BEEN ATTENDING--

NOT TO MENTION DONATING MONEY TO--

THIS ACADEMY FOR GENERATIONS.

I AM SORRY, MISS LLOYD, BUT TIMES HAVE CHANGED

AND SO HAS THIS ACADEMY.

I AM AFRAID YOUR HERITAGE WILL NOT EXCUSE YOUR...

LESS-THAN-PERFECT PERFORMANCE IN MY CLASSROOM.

NOW, UNLESS YOU WANT TO FAIL THIS COURSE ENTIRELY...

FAIL? BUT I CAN'T FAIL.

IT WOULD BE... UNHEARD OF.

I'D DISGRACE MY ENTIRE FAMILY.

THEN I SUGGEST YOU GET IT TOGETHER

AND ADJUST THAT ATTITUDE OF YOURS IMMEDIATELY.

SO HOW ARE THINGS AT THE ACADEMY, DEAR?

HUH? THE ACADEMY?

OH, GREAT-- THINGS ARE GOING JUST GREAT.

I'LL PROBABLY GRADUATE FIRST IN MY CLASS.

Buckley: WELL, THAT IS

JUST FANTABULOUS, HONEY.

TODAY THE YOUNG SOPHISTICATE AFTER-SCHOOL POLISHING ACADEMY

FOR BOYS AND GIRLS;

TOMORROW, PRINCETON.

PRINCETON... YEAH.

Patty: WELL, I ALWAYS CARRY

HEAVY GROCERIES FOR MY MOM

AND... OH, YEAH, SOMETIMES I VOLUNTEER AT HOMELESS SHELTERS.

WHAT A WONDERFUL ANSWER, PATTY.

YOU ARE A VERY HELPFUL PERSON, INDEED.

PERHAPS EVEN VALEDICTORIAN MATERIAL.

THIS IS SO UNBELIEVABLE.

I'M GOING TO FAIL

AND BIG PATTY IS GOING TO GRADUATE FIRST IN THE CLASS?

IF ONLY... IF ONLY I COULD SOMEHOW BE MORE LIKE PATTY.

BUT HOW?

( bell gongs )

AND, WELL, WHAT I WAS THINKING WAS

IF YOU WANTED, WE COULD GET TOGETHER

AND YOU COULD, WELL, YOU KNOW, SHOW ME YOUR TECHNIQUE.

I DON'T THINK SO.

COME ON, PATTY, PLEASE.

YOU'VE JUST GOT TO HELP ME.

FINALS ARE IN TWO WEEKS.

AND IF I DON'T PASS POLISHING SCHOOL

MY PARENTS WILL TOTALLY FREAK.

THEY'LL SO COMPLETELY DISOWN ME.

I'LL BE A SOCIAL OUTCAST, A LOSER

AND THEN I'LL NEVER GET INTO PRINCETON, EVER.

SO PLEASE, PATTY, HELP ME

PLEASE.

WELL, OKAY, I GUESS

IF YOU'RE THAT DESPERATE.

OKAY, PRINCESS, HERE'S HOW IT WORKS.

I POUR THE TEA AND YOU ASK ME A QUESTION ABOUT MYSELF, GOT IT?

GOT IT.

WHERE ON EARTH DID YOU GET THIS CUP?

IT'S CHIPPED.

RHONDA, I THINK YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT OF THE EXERCISE.

AND HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET PUNCH

WITH YOU JUST STANDING THERE?

TRY SAYING THE MAGIC WORD.

"MOVE"?

TELL ME AGAIN

BECAUSE I SWEAR I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND

WHY ANYONE WOULD ACTUALLY WANT TO MAKE A SOCK.

JUST TAKE THESE, RHONDA.

AND HE'S ALL, "F.Y.I., YOU'RE NOT THE BEST-DRESSED GIRL

IN SCHOOL."

AND I'M ALL, "YEAH, RIGHT, WHATEVER."

OH, NO, I'M DOING IT AGAIN, AREN'T I?

I'M TALKING TOO MUCH.

EXCUSE ME.

WHAT?

I SAID THE MAGIC WORD, DIDN'T I?

VOILA! IT'S PERFECT.

( giggles )

AND WHAT IS SO FUNNY?

NOTHING.

IT'S JUST... WELL, WHEN YOU ASKED ME TO HELP YOU OUT

I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO

BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A PAIN.

BUT NOW...

IT'S JUST SORT OF FUNNY

HOW WE KIND OF HIT IT OFF, ISN'T IT?

YEAH, IT'S FUNNY.

WELL, IF THERE'S NOTHING ELSE

I NEED TO KNOW FOR TOMORROW'S FINAL

I REALLY OUGHT TO BE GOING.

HEY, RHONDA.

OH, HEY, ARNOLD.

SINCE WHEN DID YOU AND PATTY BECOME FRIENDS?

OH, ARNOLD, PATTY AND I ARE NOT FRIENDS.

I'M JUST GETTING HER TO HELP ME WITH SOME SCHOOLWORK.

PATTY AND ME FRIENDS... PLEASE.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

VERY NICE, REX.

AND NOW, RHONDA LLOYD.

EXCUSE ME, PLEASE, MADAME.

RHONDA, WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF.

OH, ENOUGH ABOUT ME.

I'M MUCH MORE INTERESTED IN HEARING ABOUT YOU.

I MADE IT MYSELF.

IT'S UNCANNY HOW WELL IT MATCHES MY OUTFIT, NON?

Rhonda: BYE-BYE, ARCHER.

ADIEU, BRITTANY.

SEE YOU AT GRADUATION.

HEY, RHONDA, WAIT UP.

BEFORE YOU GO, I WANTED TO ASK YOU

IF YOU AREN'T BUSY THIS WEEKEND

DO YOU WANT TO COME SLEEP OVER AT MY HOUSE?

SLEEP OVER?

YEAH, MY PARENTS ALREADY SAID IT WAS OKAY.

LOOK, PATTY, I REALLY APPRECIATE

YOU HELPING ME OUT

WITH ALL THIS POLISHING SCHOOL STUFF AND ALL

BUT AFTER TODAY, YOU KNOW, SINCE FINALS ARE OVER

WE PROBABLY SHOULDN'T HANG OUT ANYMORE.

YOU UNDERSTAND, DON'T YOU?

YEAH, SURE.

AND NOW, THIS YEAR'S ACADEMY VALEDICTORIAN

MISS RHONDA WELLINGTON LLOYD.

( applause )

THANK YOU, MADAME PARVENU.

I WOULDN'T BE HERE TODAY WITHOUT YOUR FABULOUS TEACHING SKILLS

AND, OF COURSE, MY WELL-ROUNDED UPBRINGING.

WE'RE SO PROUD OF YOU, SWEET PEA.

WE'RE HAPPY YOU'VE MADE A FRIEND.

SO WHEN'S THE BIG SLEEP-OVER?

I DON'T KNOW.

I HAVEN'T ASKED HER YET.

GREAT SPEECH, HON.

ABSOLUTELY.

HOW ABOUT WE GO OUT AND CELEBRATE

WITH SOME MOCHA LATTES?

MOCHA LATTES?

SOUNDS DELISH.

I GOT IT AS A POLISHING ACADEMY GRADUATION PRESENT.

IT COST A TON OF MONEY.

DID I MENTION THAT I WAS VALEDICTORIAN?

CHECK OUT MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS.

( kids laughing )

SORRY.

SORRY?!

THESE ARE BRAND-NEW COWBOY BOOTS.

IT WAS JUST AN ACCIDENT.

YEAH? WELL, NEXT TIME, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING

YOU BIG DOOF.

HEY, PRINCESS, MY FRIEND SAID SHE WAS SORRY.

EXCUSE ME?

YOU HEARD ME.

WHILE YOU'RE AT IT

YOU CAN APOLOGIZE FOR BEING SO RUDE

AND SO TOTALLY SELF-ABSORBED

UNLESS YOU WANT THIS FIST FOR LUNCH.

SORRY.

NOW, HOW ABOUT YOU

AND THOSE TACKY FARM BOOTS OF YOURS TAKE A WALK?

HMM.

OH, GOSH.

COME ON, PATTY.

I SEE A TABLE OVER THERE.

SO ABOUT THAT SLUMBER PARTY

I WAS THINKING... SATURDAY NIGHT?

[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and NICKELODEON