Original subtitles

Helga: ARNOLD!

( barking )

HEY, ARNOLD!

( glass shatters )

( girl shrieks )

Helga: HEY, ARNOLD!

ARNOLD!

ARNOLD!

ARNOLD!

[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and NICKELODEON]

AR-NOLD!

MOVE IT, FOOTBALL HEAD!

Kids: HEY, ARNOLD!

( police siren wails in distance )

( woman grunts )

ALMOST GOT IT.

ANOTHER LITTLE INCH.

OH, SUGAR!

NOW IT ROLLED ALL THE WAY IN THE BACK.

HONEY, COULD YOU GIVE ME A HAND UP HERE?

NO, MIRIAM, I CAN'T.

I'M BUSY MAKING MY LUNCH.

WHY, HELGA? IT'S NOT LUNCHTIME.

IT'S TOMORROW'S LUNCH, AND IF I DON'T MAKE IT

NO ONE ELSE IS GOING TO MAKE IT FOR ME.

OH, OH, OH!

CRIMINY! WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT?

HEY, WHAT'S ALL THE RACKET?

MIRIAM WAS TRYING TO GET HER TABASCO

AND SHE KNOCKED A SHELF DOWN. AGAIN.

CRIPES, MIRIAM, HOW MANY TIMES

HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO PUT IT UP SO DARN HIGH?

NOW MOVE ASIDE AND LET A MAN SHOW YOU HOW IT'S DONE.

( bones crunch ) AW! MY BACK!

B., ARE YOU OKAY?

WANT A DOCTOR, DAD?

NO WAY, PATAKIS ARE FAST HEALERS.

I'LL BE GOOD AS NEW IN A WEEK OR TWO.

ARE YOU KIDDING?

YOU CAN'T STAY HOME THAT LONG.

YOU'VE GOT A BEEPER EMPIRE TO RUN.

RELAX, I CAN RUN THE BEEPER EMPIRE FROM THE COUCH.

IT'S NOT LIKE I'VE GOT ANY BIG MEETINGS COMING UP.

CRIMINY, I TOTALLY FORGOT!

BUBNIAK AND KRAPOWSKI ARE FLYING IN FROM BUFFALO

TO CLOSE A MAJOR DEAL!

I HAVE TO GET SOMEONE TO TAKE MY PLACE.

HELGA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TOMORROW?

SCHOOL.

RIGHT. COME ON, BOB, THINK.

WHO COULD YOU SEND?

WELL, I'M, I'M FREE TOMORROW, B.

YOU?

GO TO THE MEETING?

THAT HAS TO BE THE STUPIDEST IDEA I'VE EVER HEARD.

RIGHT, THESE GUYS ARE HEAVY HITTERS, SHARKS--

THEY'D EAT YOU ALIVE.

LISTEN, YOU TWO, I THINK YOU OUGHT TO GIVE ME

A LITTLE MORE CREDIT

BECAUSE, BECAUSE I CAN DO THIS.

I CAN TAKE A MEETING AS GOOD AS THE NEXT GUY.

FORGET IT, IT AIN'T GOING TO HAPPEN.

BESIDES, MY BACK'S STARTING TO FEEL BETTER.

( bones pop, he screams )

MOTHER SCRATCHER!

ALL RIGHT, YOU WIN.

YOU CAN GO TO THE MEETING.

YOU BETTER NOT SCREW THIS UP.

YOU JUST GET THEM TO SIGN THE PAPERS

THEN IT'S STRAIGHT HOME, GOT IT?

OF COURSE, B.

STRAIGHT HOME.

Bob: WHERE THE HECK COULD SHE BE?

THAT MEETING SHOULD HAVE ENDED HOURS AGO.

DON'T LOOK AT ME.

I TOLD YOU IT WAS DUMB TO LET HER GO.

B., HELGA, I'M HOME!

FINALLY! GET YOUR PATOOT IN HERE

AND TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED BEFORE I EXPLODE!

WELL, LET'S SEE...

FIRST WE SHARED A NICE LUNCH

OF PIZZA AND WINGS.

THEN WE WENT TO THE PASTRY PALACE

FOR COFFEE AND, OH, THOSE YUMMY LITTLE

DONUT HOLE THINGIES THAT I LOVE.

FASTER, MIRIAM!

RIGHT, OKAY, THEN I GUESS

JIM AND HANK SIGNED THE PAPERS

AND TRIPLED THEIR ORDER OF BEEPERS.

WASN'T THAT SWEET OF THEM?

TRIPLED THEIR ORDER?

YOU DIDN'T LOWER THE PRICE?

OF COURSE NOT, B., I JUST EXPLAINED

THE BENEFIT OF BUYING IN BULK.

WOW, MOM, THAT'S, THAT'S INCREDIBLE!

I KNOW, AND IT'S NOT EVEN THE BEST PART.

IT'S NOT?

UH-UH, THE GUYS DECIDED

TO STAY IN TOWN AN EXTRA DAY

TO LOOK AT OUR SELECTION OF CELL PHONES.

I'M MEETING THEM AT THE STORE TOMORROW.

THAT'S GREAT, MOM!

YEAH, GREAT.

HELGA, GET OVER HERE AND SCRATCH MY FOOT, WOULD YOU?

MORNING, EVERYBODY.

MIRIAM? WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

I JUST I WANTED TO LOOK MORE PROFESSIONAL.

YOU KNOW, FOR MY MEETING WITH THE BUFFALO GUYS.

COME ON, HONEY, I'LL GIVE YOU A LIFT TO SCHOOL.

MIRIAM, WAIT A MINUTE. MIRIAM!

HOW BAD COULD SHE MESS THINGS UP ANYWAY?

LOOK AT THIS, TALK SHOWS AND SOAP OPERAS

ON EVERY STINKING CHANNEL.

BE A COLD DAY IN HAVANA BEFORE I WATCH ANY OF THIS JUNK.

Helga: BYE!

THANKS FOR THE RIDE.

HEY, HELGA, WAS THAT YOUR MOM?

ARNOLDO, IT WAS.

WHEN DID SHE GET HER LICENSE BACK?

SHE HASN'T, BUT SHE HAS TO GET TO WORK.

SHE'S FILLING IN FOR DAD AT THE BEEPER EMPORIUM.

PRETTY BOSS, HUH?

( men chattering in distance... )

( phone rings )

UH...

( phone ringing )

BIG BOB'S BEEPERS.

NO, BOB ISN'T HERE, BUT I WOULD BE HAPPY TO HELP YOU.

WOW, THAT'S QUITE A SPREAD.

ALL THE FOOD GROUPS ARE REPRESENTED.

YEAH. CAN YOU BELIEVE MIRIAM MADE IT?

DAD, IS MIRIAM HOME YET?

NO, COLDON, DON'T KISS HER!

SHE'S MEG'S IDENTICAL TWIN SISTER!

NEVER MIND.

( kissing )

NEVER MIND.

( kissing )

MOM, YOU HOME?

MOM!

OH, YOU KISSED HER!

NOW THE WEDDING WILL BE COMPLETELY RUINED.

HEY THERE, LITTLE LADY.

HEY, MOM, HOW WAS WORK TODAY?

OH, HONEY, IT WAS INCREDIBLE.

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN ME.

I WAS ANSWERING PHONES, I WAS DOING PAPERWORK.

I EVEN SOLD SOME CELL PHONES TO JIM AND HANK.

I SWEAR, HELGA, BEING AT THE OFFICE

MAKES ME FEEL LIKE A WHOLE NEW PERSON.

IN FACT, I HAVE DECIDED TO GO BACK EVERY DAY.

SOUNDS GREAT.

OH, IT IS, HONEY, IT'S JUST WONDERFUL.

I'M TELLING YOU... ( sighs )

I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS HAPPY IN YEARS.

GUESS I'D BETTER GO DO MY HOMEWORK

AND LET YOU GET BACK TO IT.

WHY DON'T YOU DO YOUR HOMEWORK

IN HERE WITH ME?

OKAY, I'LL GO GET MY STUFF!

OKAY!

Miriam: UH-UH, UH-UH.

I WAS THINKING SOMETHING FLASHY

WITH LOTS OF SINGING AND DANCING AND...

HOLD ON A SECOND.

( phone rings )

HOLD ON A SECOND.

( phone rings )

MIRIAM HERE.

WHAT?

MOM.

YOU WANT TO RETURN THEM?

OH, I'M SORRY, YOU SIGNED A NON-REFUNDABLE CONTRACT

SO I'M AFRAID WHAT YOU'RE ASKING

IS REALLY JUST OUT OF THE QUESTION.

ALL RIGHTY, THAT'S UP TO YOU.

I'LL SEE YOU IN COURT. BYE-BYE.

NOW, WHERE WERE WE?

OH, YEAH, THE COMMERCIAL, RIGHT.

MOM, I'M READY TO GO.

( snoring )

BOB.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE MIRIAM IS?

SHE'S SUPPOSED TO DRIVE ME TO SCHOOL

AND SHE'S NOT HOME. BOB!

( mumbling in sleep )

OOH, MOTHER CUT THE CRUST OFF.

PRECISELY HOW I LIKE IT.

WHAT'S WRONG?

OH, GOSH.

DID YOUR MOM FORGET TO PACK YOUR LUNCH?

YEAH, I GUESS SHE DID.

( sighs sadly )

IS MIRIAM THERE?

NO, THAT'S OKAY, I DON'T NEED TO HOLD.

HEY, HELGA.

ARE YOU OKAY?

HUH?

ARE YOU OKAY?

HUH?

YOU SEEM KIND OF DISTRACTED.

PLUS YOUR ICE CREAM IS MELTING ALL OVER YOUR HAND.

YEAH, WELL, UH, I WAS THINKING.

ABOUT WHAT?

ABOUT NOTHING THAT'S ANY OF YOUR BEESWAX!

FINE.

ALL RIGHT, IF YOU HAVE TO KNOW

I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO TELL MIRIAM

THAT EVEN THOUGH SHE LOVES WORKING

AND SHE'S REALLY GREAT AT IT

AND SHE'S NEVER BEEN HAPPIER IN HER WHOLE LIFE

I NEED HER TO GIVE ALL THAT UP AND COME BACK HOME.

ALL SHE DOES IS WORK!

ALL SHE CARES ABOUT IS WORK!

SHE'S GONE OFF THE DEEP END!

EVERYTHING WAS FINE FOR A WHILE

BUT NOW THINGS ARE WORSE.

WHY DON'T YOU TELL HER EXACTLY WHAT YOU JUST TOLD ME?

( "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend" playing )

♪ BEEPERS ♪

♪ BEEPERS ♪

♪ BEEPERS ♪

♪ BEEPERS ♪

♪ BEEPERS ARE A GIRL'S BEST... ♪

( beeper rings )

WHOOPS! SOMEBODY BEEPED ME!

♪ ...FRIEND! ♪

AND CUT!

OKAY, LARRY, I NEED AN IKE ON THE DANCERS.

MOM.

HELGA!

MOM.

HELGA!

WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I NEED YOU FOR A MINUTE, MOM.

YOU NEED ME FOR A MINUTE, MOM.

LISTEN, I AM SORRY, HELGA

BUT THIS IS NOT A GOOD TIME.

WE'RE GOING TO BE BACK ON IN FIVE MINUTES

AND THEY NEED ME.

SO, WHATEVER IT IS

IT'S JUST GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT, OKAY?

SO GO ON, BYE-BYE.

GO DO YOUR HOMEWORK OR SOMETHING.

TOM, YOU WANT TO PLAY ME BACK THAT LAST TAKE?

I need you for a minute, Mom.

You need me for a minute, Mom.

Listen, I am sorry, Helga

but this is not a good time.

We're going to be back on in five minutes

and they need me.

So whatever it is

it's just going to have to wait, okay?

So go on, bye-bye

go do your homework or something.

HELGA, SWEETIE.

MOM? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I NEED TO TALK TO YOU, DEAR.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR COMMERCIAL?

DON'T THEY NEED YOU?

IT'S NOT IMPORTANT.

IT'S NOT?

NO, HELGA.

THE ONLY THING THAT IS IMPORTANT TO ME, HONEY, IS YOU.

REALLY?

YES, HELGA.

I REALIZE I'VE BEEN SO PREOCCUPIED AT WORK

I HAVEN'T HAD TIME FOR YOU.

SO, I'VE DECIDED TO QUIT AND COME BACK HOME.

MOM, YOU LOVE WORK.

YOU LOVE BEING IN CHARGE AND INDEPENDENT.

YOU CAN'T JUST GIVE ALL THAT UP JUST LIKE THAT.

OH, YES I CAN, LITTLE LADY.

AND DO YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE I'VE GOT THE REST OF MY LIFE

TO GO BACK TO WORK.

I CAN BE IN CHARGE AND INDEPENDENT ANY OLD TIME.

BUT I'VE ONLY GOT RIGHT NOW TO BE A BETTER MOM.

YOU WON'T BE EIGHT FOREVER, YOU KNOW.

I'M NINE, MOM.

YOU'RE NINE!

WELL, SEE, NOW, THAT'S EXACTLY MY POINT.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

CAN WE GO HOME AND GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT?

Bob: ALL RIGHT, MIRIAM, YOU WIN.

I'LL GO BACK TO WORK.

BUT I DON'T THINK MY BACK'S COMPLETELY HEALED YET.

TRUST ME, B., A DAY OFF THE COUCH

WILL DO YOU A WORLD OF GOOD.

OH, FINE-- BUT DON'T YOU DARE FORGET

TO TAPE PHYSICIANS' HOSPITAL.

TODAY IS COLDON AND MEG'S WEDDING.

RELAX, B., I'VE ALREADY PROGRAMMED THE V.C.R.

DON'T FORGET ABOUT YOUR 4:00 MEETING, AND BE CAREFUL.

THOSE GUYS ARE SHARKS.

( munching and humming... )

OSKAR, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE

WILL YOU STOP THAT HUMMING?

WHAT HUMMING?

HE CANNOT EAT WITHOUT HUMMING!

HE CAN'T HELP IT.

HEY, KOKOSHKA, PASS THE SALT OVER HERE, HUH?

UH, THAT'S THE PEPPER, MR. KOKOSHKA.

SORRY, I'M SO TIRED, I CAN BARELY

SEE STRAIGHT.

OH, MARON, WHAT A DIMWIT.

( doorbell rings )

OH, GREAT, IT'S MY NEW X-RAY GLASSES

SO I CAN SEE THROUGH PEOPLE'S CLOTHES!

PLEASE SIGN YOUR NAME ON LINE ONE.

COULD YOU SPELL THAT FOR ME?

NO, I, I'M BUSY.

IT'S WRITTEN RIGHT THERE.

( groaning, sniffling )

HEY, OSKAR, READ ME

THE REST OF THE RECIPE, WOULD YOU?

OH, I, I CAN'T HELP RIGHT NOW

BECAUSE MY, MY EYES ARE TOO TEARY

FROM THOSE ONIONS.

YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE ONIONS!

WHAT'S THE MATTER, CAN'T YOU READ?

OH, HE LEFT.

( grunting )

COULD YOU HELP ME WITH THIS?

I HAVE A TERRIBLE HEADACHE.

BUT, MR. KOKOSHKA, THAT'S NOT ASPIRIN.

OF COURSE IT IS, IT SAYS HERE.

IT SAYS, "TABLETS FOR

SCUM-FREE FISHBOWL WATER."

SEE?

OH, RIGHT, RIGHT.

I, I KNEW THAT

BUT THEY ALSO CURE MY HEADACHES.

IT'S A HEADACHE FROM EATING TOO MUCH FISH.

( laughs nervously )

MR. KOKOSHKA, YOU DON'T KNOW

HOW TO READ, DO YOU?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THAT'S CRAZY-- OF COURSE I KNOW HOW.

I CAN READ LIKE ANYBODY ELSE.

I CAN... OKAY, SO IT'S TRUE.

I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO READ-- BIG DEAL.

YOU CAN STILL LEARN.

AH, WHAT FOR? I DIDN'T NEED TO READ

TO BECOME THE SUCCESS I AM TODAY.

BUT YOU'RE A PAPER BOY.

WHAT'S YOUR POINT?

IF YOU LEARNED TO READ, YOU COULD DO ANYTHING.

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO MAKE EXCUSES.

NAH, FORGET IT.

IT'S NOT IMPORTANT TO ME.

OF COURSE WE CAN KEEP THIS SECRET BETWEEN US, OKAY?

THERE'S NO REASON FOR ANYBODY ELSE

TO KNOW OSKAR CAN'T READ.

Ernie: OSKAR CAN'T READ!

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE!

WHO SAYS I CAN'T READ?

YOU DID JUST NOW, KOKOSHKA.

YOU'RE PROBABLY JUST TOO DUMB TO LEARN.

I AM NOT TOO DUMB.

I COULD LEARN TO READ LIKE THAT IF I WANTED.

OH, IS THAT SO?

I'LL BET YOU 20 BUCKS

YOU CAN'T LEARN TO READ BY THE END OF THE MONTH.

AND I WILL BET YOU 50 BUCKS.

OKAY, IT'S A BET.

50 BUCKS, HUH, MR. HIGH ROLLER? WHOA.

HEY, LITTLE BUDDY

I WAS JUST WONDERING...

IF I COULD HELP YOU LEARN TO READ?

I'D BE HAPPY TO.

♪ A, B, C, D ♪

♪ E, F, G... ♪

♪ H, I, C, K, N, 2, P. ♪

I'M READING, HUH?

( laughs )

JELLYBEAN.

VIOLIN.

COCONUT?

I GOT THESE FROM SCHOOL.

IF YOU DO THEM NIGHTLY

YOU'LL BE READING IN NO TIME.

BUT YOU HAVE TO WORK REAL HARD.

NO PROBLEM.

( crunching )

HI, SWEETIE.

HOW'S THE READING GOING?

SUZIE, YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT.

I WROTE MY WHOLE WORKSHEET, EVERYTHING PERFECT

AND IT BLEW OUT THE WINDOW

BECAUSE YOU LEFT THE FAN ON AGAIN.

I'M SORRY, OSKAR.

I'LL TRY TO BE MORE CAREFUL.

I GUESS YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO DO IT OVER.

YEAH, I COULD, EXCEPT MY HAND IS SO CRAMPED

FROM ALL THE WRITING I DID.

COULD YOU DO IT FOR ME?

WOW, THIS LOOKS GREAT.

YEAH, I AM WORKING REALLY HARD.

I'M ALMOST READY TO SHOW THEM

THAT I LEARNED TO READ.

I'M GOING TO READ THEM THE FIRST PAGE OF THIS BOOK

AND THEN I WIN THE BET.

A TALE OF TWO CITIES? ARE YOU SURE?

OH, YEAH, NO PROBLEM.

I CAN READ IT EASY.

HEY, YOU, LITTLE KID

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO ME A FAVOR?

I NEED SOMEONE TO READ ME

THE FIRST PAGE OF THIS BOOK AGAIN AND AGAIN

UNTIL I MEMORIZE IT.

WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME?

"IT WAS THE BEST OF TIMES, IT WAS THE WORST OF TIMES...

"IT WAS THE BEST OF TIMES

IT WAS THE WORST OF TIMES..."

"IT WAS THE AGE OF WISDOM...

"IT WAS THE AGE OF FOOLISHNESS

"IT WAS THE SEASON OF LIGHT

"IT WAS THE SEASON OF DARKNESS

"IT WAS THE SPRING OF HOPE

"IT WAS THE WINTER OF DESPAIR

"WE HAD EVERYTHING BEFORE US

WE HAD NOTHING BEFORE US..." ( laughs )

YOU DID IT, MR. KOKOSHKA!

OH, OSKAR, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.

WELL, NOW I'VE SEEN EVERYTHING.

SO ERNIE AND MR. HIGH ROLLER

I THINK YOU OWE ME SOME MONEY.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

OSKAR LEARNED TO READ!

BEFORE WE'RE EXCHANGING MONEY

IF YOU DON'T MIND, KOKOSHKA, I HOPE

THIS ISN'T AN IMPOSITION OR ANYTHING

NOW THAT YOU'RE A PROFESSIONAL READER

LET ME HEAR YOU READ IT ONE MORE TIME.

OH YEAH, NO PROBLEM.

IT WAS THE BEST OF TIMES

IT WAS THE WORST OF...

I THOUGHT SO!

YOU CAN'T READ AT ALL!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I SWITCHED THE BOOKS, YOU BUM!

YOU MEMORIZED "THE BEST OF TIMES" STUFF, DIDN'T YOU?

DID YOU, OSKAR?

WELL...

WELL, MAYBE I DID, BUT THAT...

OH, OSKAR.

YOU WERE CHEATING THE WHOLE TIME.

YOU JUST DID IT FOR THE MONEY.

HE'LL NEVER LEARN.

THE MAN IS A LOSER.

( traffic humming past )

Boy: MISTER.

HEY, MISTER?

I CAN'T READ THESE DIRECTIONS.

CAN YOU READ THEM FOR ME?

NO, I, I CAN'T RIGHT NOW.

I'M SORRY.

YOU CAN'T?

BUT, BUT, MISTER, WHY NOT?

CAN'T YOU READ?

CAN'T YOU READ, MISTER?

( kids laughing )

Arnold: YOU WERE CHEATING THE WHOLE TIME, WEREN'T YOU?

Ernie: HE'LL NEVER LEARN.

THE MAN IS A LOSER!

Boy: CAN'T YOU READ, MISTER?

( echoing ): CAN'T YOU READ, READ...?

I WANT TO READ.

MR. KOKOSHKA, YOU SAID THAT BEFORE

BUT YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT.

THAT WAS BEFORE.

NOW I WANT TO READ.

( sighs )

I DON'T KNOW, MR. KOKOSHKA.

I DON'T THINK...

IF I LEARN TO READ

WHEN SOMEBODY ASKS ME TO PASS THE SALT

I WON'T HAVE TO MAKE EXCUSES.

I CAN TELL GRANDPA

WHAT COMES IN THE RECIPE AFTER THE ONIONS

AND I CAN HELP A LOST LITTLE BOY FIND HIS WAY HOME.

I WANT TO READ.

PLEASE HELP ME.

( no dialogue )

BUT WHAT ABOUT MY LESSONS?

I WANT TO READ MORE.

I TOLD YOU, I HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL.

THERE'S THOUSANDS OF BOOKS IN THERE.

JUST GO IN AND READ.

OH, BUT ARNOLD

THOSE BOOKS ARE TOO HARD.

( moans )

( haltingly ): "HY-PO...

HYPO... CHA..."

AH, I CAN'T READ THESE BOOKS.

THEY'RE TOO HARD.

Woman: OUR NEXT BOOK IS CALLED PET THE KITTY.

DOESN'T THAT SOUND LIKE A FUN BOOK?

WHO WANTS TO READ PET THE KITTY?

"KITTY, KITTY, KITTY.

"DO YOU WANT TO PET THE KITTY?

"YES, I WANT TO PET THE KITTY.

PET, PET, PET."

( laughs )

LOOK, EVERYBODY, I'M PETTING THE KITTY!

THAT'S VERY GOOD READING, OSKAR.

NOW, JAMIE, WOULD YOU LIKE TO PICK A BOOK TO READ?

BUT I WANT TO READ MORE.

I WANT TO READ THIS.

GIVE IT TO ME.

NO, IT'S MINE!

I WANT TO READ!

I HATE YOU!

( arguing )

NO FIGHTING, CHILDREN.

WE HAVE TO SHARE.

Arnold: OKAY, MR. KOKOSHKA, THIS IS YOUR FINAL TEST.

I'M TAKING YOU TO A DISTANT NEIGHBORHOOD YOU DON'T KNOW.

I'LL GIVE YOU A MAP AND WRITTEN DIRECTIONS

SHOWING YOU HOW TO GET BACK HOME.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS READ THE DIRECTIONS AND MAP TO GET BACK.

IF YOU CAN DO THAT, THAT MEANS YOU PASS.

IT MEANS YOU CAN READ.

YOU CAN DO IT, MR. KOKOSHKA.

SEE YOU BACK AT THE BOARDING HOUSE.

WAIT, WHAT IF I...?

GOOD LUCK!

( moans )

"FIRST TAKE MA...

MAPLE ST... STREET EAST."

OKAY, MA... MAPLE

STREET EAST.

OKAY.

"TURN LEFT ON MAD...

"MADISON...

AVENUE."

"MADISON AVENUE."

OKAY!

THIS IS GREAT.

I'LL BE HOME IN NO TIME.

( tires squealing )

( shouting, horns honking )

Ernie: HE CAN'T READ!

HE CAN READ

AND HE'LL FIND HIS WAY HOME.

TRUST ME, WE'LL GET A PHONE CALL AT 2:00 A.M.:

( mimicking Oskar ): "I'M LOST.

"I AM COLD AND SCARED.

COME GET ME."

"TAKE THE SU...

"SUBWAY TO SHE...

"SHE, SHEFFING...

SHEFFINGTOWN."

SHEFFINGTOWN! OKAY.

( air brake releases )

( crashing in distance )

( siren wailing in distance )

"THIS PROPERTY IS CONDEMNED.

NO EXIT."

OKAY, SO THAT'S NOT GOOD.

( siren wailing )

( sighs heavily )

I MUST HAVE MADE A MISTAKE.

SHEFFINGTOWN.

MAYBE ERNIE AND MR. HYUNH WERE RIGHT.

MAYBE I AM JUST A BIG LOSER WHO CAN'T READ

AND WHO HUMS WHEN HE EATS.

( purring )

HELLO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

ARE YOU LOST LIKE ME?

"KITTY, KITTY, KITTY.

"THE KITTY IS SO SOFT AND PRETTY.

"DO YOU WANT TO PET THE KITTY?

YES, I WANT TO PET THE KITTY."

JUST LIKE THE BOOK I CAN READ.

JUST LIKE THE BOOK I CAN READ!

IF I CAN READ PET THE KITTY

I CAN READ THE STREET SIGNS, RIGHT?

( meows )

COME ON, LET'S GO HOME!

( clock tolls hour )

THAT'S IT, I'M CALLING THE POLICE.

LOOK!

( dog barks in distance )

OSKAR?

I CAN READ!

( laughs )

OH, OSKAR, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!

HEY, HEY!

NICE GOING, OSKAR.

Hyunh: IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL!

OSKAR LEARNED TO READ.

Grandpa: WELL, NOW I'VE SEEN EVERYTHING

EXCEPT FOR A REALLY GOOD LOW-CALORIE SOFT DRINK.

( lights switching off )

( crickets chirping )

Oskar: "SEE THE PRETTY KITTY.

"PET THE PRETTY KITTY.

SEE... PET THE KITTY."

Ernie: WILL YOU SHUT UP

WITH THE PRETTY PETTING?

I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU EAT THE KITTY.

I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!

"KITTY, KITTY, KITTY."

Grandpa: QUIET, I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!

I'VE ALREADY HEARD THAT STORY!

YES, I WANT TO PET THE KITTY.

GRANDMA, GET MY MUZZLE.

DON'T PUT IT ON ME!

"PET, PET, PET."

( all yelling )

Hyunh: QUIET, QUIET, SHUT UP!

Suzie: CLOSE THE BOOK!

and NICKELODEON