Original subtitles

Helga: ARNOLD!

( barking )

HEY, ARNOLD!

( glass shatters )

( girl shrieks )

Helga: HEY, ARNOLD!

ARNOLD!

ARNOLD!

ARNOLD!

[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and NICKELODEON]

AR-NOLD!

MOVE IT, FOOTBALL HEAD!

Kids: HEY, ARNOLD!

HMM...

( clucks tongue )

HOW BAD IS IT, DOC?

WELL, HELGA, IT'S A PRETTY BIG CAVITY.

IT'S GOING TO TAKE AWHILE TO DO THIS FILLING.

I HATE FILLINGS.

I KNOW. WOULD YOU LIKE TO USE LAUGHING GAS THIS TIME?

DOES IT MAKE YOU LAUGH?

( chuckling )

WELL, YOU DON'T ACTUALLY LAUGH, HELGA.

USUALLY THE GAS JUST MAKES YOU FEEL PEACEFUL

ABOUT EVERYTHING, YOU KNOW.

NO ANXIETIES ABOUT THE DENTAL PROCEDURE

ABOUT A MINUTE AFTER WE TURN OFF THE GAS

YOU'RE BACK TO NORMAL.

I'LL TRY IT. WHAT COULD HAPPEN?

( Muzak playing softly... )

HOW'S THE GAS?

THIS IS GREAT, DOC; I'M NOT ANXIOUS

ABOUT THE DENTAL PROCEDURE AT ALL.

HEY, DRILL AWAY.

THIS IS A-OKAY WITH ME.

EVERYTHING'S FINE HERE, DOC.

YOU HAVE ONE HAPPY PATIENT.

MAN, I'M FEELING GOOFY.

I'M TELLING YOU, DOC, THIS ARNOLD GUY--

HE'S BEEN ON MY MIND

MORNING, NOON AND NIGHT

FOR THE PAST SIX YEARS!

YOU DON'T SAY?

I MEAN, THINK ABOUT THAT.

WHEN YOU CONSIDER THAT I AM CURRENTLY NINE YEARS OLD

THAT IS FULLY TWO-THIRDS OF MY YOUNG LIFE!

IS THAT CRAZY, OR WHAT?

WHY DO I TORTURE MYSELF BY KEEPING IT ALL A BIG SECRET?

UH-HUH, FINISHING UP HERE.

WHAT'S THE SENSE ( spits ) OF THAT?

WHY NOT JUST TELL ARNOLD?

♪ LA, LA-LA, LA, LA! ♪

( giggling )

( crashes )

HEY, WHY AM I TELLING YOU ALL THIS?

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE GUY.

I'LL CALL THAT ADORABLE LITTLE FOOTBALL HEAD NOW

AND TELL HIM MYSELF.

( phone ringing )

( answering machine beeps )

Grandpa: You have reached the Sunset Arms boarding house.

If you have a message for me

Grandma, the boarders or Arnold...

ARNOLD!

...please leave it at the tone.

( machine beeps )

OH, ARNOLD.

ARNOLD, IT'S ME, HELGA.

YES, HELGA G. PATAKI

THE ONE WHO WORSHIPS YOU

YES, WAKES EACH DAY FULL

OF PASSIONATE THOUGHTS OF YOU.

OH, MY ANGEL, SWEET LOVE.

OH, HOW I LOVE...

( beeps )

( laughter... )

( Helga shrieks )

DID YOU HEAR SOMETHING?

NO.

( Grandpa laughs ): KING ME.

HEY LOOK, GRANDPA

IT'S ARNOLD AND... ARNOLD'S FRIEND.

WHAT'S GOING ON, SHORT MAN?

OUR CLUB'S COMING OVER

FOR A MEETING IN HALF AN HOUR.

WE'RE PUTTING MONEY TOGETHER

TO BUY A GO-CART.

DO WE HAVE ANYTHING TO EAT?

HOW SHOULD I KNOW?

LOOK IN THE KITCHEN.

THERE'S NOTHING EDIBLE OUT HERE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

DID YOU MOVE ANYTHING?

I NEVER TOUCHED A THING.

WAIT, DON'T OPEN THE...

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, EVERY TIME.

Grandpa: I WAS TWO MOVES AWAY FROM BEATING YOU.

Oskar: LET'S TAKE THE GAME INSIDE AND START OVER.

Grandpa: START OVER?

I BEAT YOU.

ADMIT IT: YOU WERE RUNNING

AND YOU HAD NO PLACE TO GO!

( door closes )

WITHIN THE WALLS OF THAT BOARDING HOUSE

LIES AN ANSWERING MACHINE

AND IT CONTAINS A MESSAGE SO HUMILIATING

THAT IT MUST NEVER, EVER BE HEARD BY HUMAN EARS.

I MUST GET MY HANDS ON IT

BEFORE THAT STUPID FOOTBALL HEAD HEARS IT.

( screams )

( singing )

NOW TO GET INSIDE, BUT HOW?

CAMPFIRE LASS. PERFECT.

GOOD MORROW TO YOU, MISS.

COULD I INTEREST YOU

IN SOME CHOCOLATE TURTLES?

WHY DON'T YOU SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT?

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE STEP INTO MY OFFICE?

THAT'S A FUNNY PLACE FOR AN OFFICE.

UNHAND ME!

( growling, panting )

( random notes on piano )

( ringing )

Grandpa: I'M COMING, I'M COMING.

HELLO, WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?

WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE?

I'M A CAMPFIRE LASS.

YOU KNOW, FAITH AND BEGORRAH, UH, HAGGIS.

OKAY... I SUPPOSE YOU'LL BE WANTING

TO SELL ME SOME COOKIES THEN.

HOLD ON.

HEY, ARNOLD!

YEAH?

COME OUT HERE A SEC.

SOME SCOTTISH GIRL IS SELLING COOKIES.

YOU WANT SOME?

WHAT?

WHO WAS IT?

I THINK IT WAS A PHANTOM CAMPFIRE LASS.

A PHONE, BUT WHERE IS THE BLASTED ANSWERING MACHINE?

( toilet flushes )

HELLO! YES.

( screams )

DON'T EVER SURPRISE ME LIKE THAT!

OH, I MEAN, HOW DO YOU DO?

I DON'T BELIEVE WE HAVE MET.

ARE YOU PLAYMATE OF ARNOLD?

YEAH, OH, NO, NO, NO, OF COURSE NOT.

THEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING

WITH THE TELEPHONE?

I WAS JUST CHECKING TO SEE IF IT'S WORKING CORRECTLY.

I'M AN INTERN AT PUBLIC PHONE SCHOOL.

PUBLIC PHONE SCHOOL?

WHAT A CRAZY TOWN.

UP THERE.

EUREKA!

( door opening )

Oskar: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I WAS WINNING!

Grandpa: YOU WERE CHEATING!

YOU'RE OLD AND YOU'RE LOSING YOUR MIND.

I ALWAYS HAVE TO TELL YOU THINGS.

DOGGONE IT, NO YOU DON'T.

HEY, MR. HYUNH, WE COULDN'T PLAY CHECKERS DOWNSTAIRS

BECAUSE OF YOUR STUPID JIGSAW PUZZLE.

I MUST GET TO THAT TAPE BEFORE ARNOLD DOES.

Grandpa: WE'LL SET UP

THE CHECKERBOARD IN THE HALL HERE.

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY!

Oskar: WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT?!

( men arguing... )

Oskar: IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!

Grandpa: ALL RIGHT THEN, IT'S SETTLED.

WE'LL PLAY ON MR. HYUNH'S KITCHEN TABLE.

OKAY, AS LONG AS HE HAS SOMETHING TO EAT.

( door opening )

LOOK, FELLOWS, I GOT ME A NEW GLIDER PLANE.

CATCH IT, HAROLD.

LET ME SEE IT.

THROW IT OVER HERE.

COME ON, THROW IT TO ME.

COME ON!

HEY, YOU GUYS COMING UP?

COME ON!

LET'S HAVE THIS MEETING ALREADY.

Stinky: WE'RE THROWING MY GLIDER PLANE!

All: YEAH.

WHY DON'T WE HAVE THE MEETING

RIGHT HERE IN THE HALLWAY?

Helga: WHY DOESN'T EVERYBODY I KNOW

SHOW UP AND SPEND THE REST OF THEIR LIVES IN THIS HALLWAY?

PHOEBE, IT'S HELGA.

THIS IS THE MOTHER OF ALL EMERGENCIES

SO WHAT I'M ABOUT TO ASK YOU TO DO, JUST DO IT.

DON'T ASK WHY AND DON'T SAY YOU'RE NOT THE KIND OF PERSON

THAT COULD ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

STOP CALLING ME!

( dial tone ) SORRY.

PHOEBE!

( Helga yammering )

( tires screeching )

( bell jingling )

( carnival music playing )

HEY, THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE JOLLY OLLY MAN.

HE SHOULD BE ALL THE WAY

ACROSS TOWN AT THIS HOUR!

WHAT A BIZARRE TURN OF EVENTS.

All: ICE CREAM!

( all shouting )

( singing )

OH, LOOK, A MESSAGE!

( grumbles )

Arnold, it's me, Helga.

Yes, Helga G. Pataki, the one who worships you...

THIS IS A LONG ONE; BETTER WRITE IT DOWN.

( door opening )

( laughing, shouting )

OOH, YEAH!

OH, ARNOLD, BEFORE I FORGET.

THERE WAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU.

A YOUNG LADY CALLED.

REALLY?

( chuckles ) REALLY?

WHAT WAS HER NAME?

IT WAS "H" SOMETHING.

HEL...

HEL... GOSH, IT'S ON THE TIP OF MY TONGUE.

HEL...

( rattling )

( growls )

OH, YES, HERE IT IS.

HELEN OF TROY.

YES, AND MS. TROY WANTED TO TELL YOU

THAT SHE WAS SELLING

A KIND OF PASSION FRUIT DRINK OR SOMETHING.

HUH?

HUH?

HUH?

I REALLY DON'T LIKE TELEPHONE SOLICITATIONS.

WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BUY A SOFT DRINK

OVER THE PHONE, I ASK YOU?

AND THEY ALWAYS SEEM TO CALL

RIGHT AT DINNER TIME.

( screaming )

EUREKA! THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.

YOU DID IT, HELGA, OLD GIRL.

YOU'RE HOME FREE.

( growls )

( boys talking in distance... )

( conversation stops, all gasping )

SO, ABOUT THE GO-CART...

( conversation resumes... )

( panting... )

FINALLY, I HAVE THE TAPE.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

MY NIGHTMARE IS OVER.

THERE SHE IS, LASSES.

SHE'S THE RUFFIAN WHO PILFERED ME COOKIES.

GET HER!

( Helga and lasses screaming )

Arnold: MAYBE AN ARCHEOLOGIST.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE

WHEN YOU GROW UP, HAROLD?

ME? I DON'T WANT TO BE NOTHING.

I JUST WANT TO...

I JUST WANT TO...

I JUST WANT TO EAT.

I'M REALLY HUNGRY!

HELLO, HAROLD.

WHAT CAN I GET FOR YOU TODAY?

NOTHING, I WAS JUST BROWSING.

I'LL BE IN THE BACK, PLUCKING A CHICKEN.

LAST THING I NEED

KIDS COMING IN HERE WITH NOTHING TO DO.

ALWAYS TOUCHING EVERYTHING, NEVER BUYING.

GEEZ, THESE KIDS.

( doorbell tinkles )

HEY, HAROLD, WHAT'S WITH YOUR SHIRT?

HUH? I DIDN'T DO NOTHING.

HAROLD, THE STRANGEST THING.

THAT HAM I WAS WRAPPING WHEN YOU CAME IN?

I CAN'T FIND IT.

DID YOU SEE WHAT I DID WITH IT?

NO, WE DIDN'T DO NOTHING

ABOUT A LOST HAM, RIGHT, FELLOWS?

WE, WE AIN'T SEEN NOTHING.

HEY!

THAT LOOKS LIKE MY HAM!

( whines )

HAM, WHAT HAM?

HAROLD BERMAN, I CAN'T BELIEVE MY EYES.

YOU STOLE MY BEAUTIFUL HAM

AND NOW IT'S RUINED.

OH, I WAS HUNGRY.

I WAS REALLY, REALLY HUNGRY.

THAT DOESN'T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO STEAL.

YOU UNDERSTAND?

( bawling ): NO!

MOMMY!

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO CALL HIS MOMMY.

Mother: I JUST, I DON'T... IF YOU ARE HUNGRY, COME HOME.

WE HAVE A FULL FRIDGE.

INSTEAD IT'S THIS, THIS SHANDEH.

WHY, HAROLD, WHY?

I WAS HUNGRY, I WASN'T THINKING.

HAROLD, WE, WE, WE JUST CAN'T LET THIS PASS

YOU MIGHT WIND UP

IN PRISON, IN A CHAIN GANG

ON DEATH ROW...

JERRY!

YOU NEED TO LEARN A LESSON.

WHAT KIND OF LESSON?

Man: HAROLD, I'M DISTURBED ABOUT TWO THINGS:

FIRST OF ALL, YOU STOLE.

STEALING IS AGAINST THE LAW.

THOU SHALT NOT STEAL.

BUT I WAS HUNGRY, RABBI GOLDBERG.

SECONDLY, AND MOST IMPORTANT:

YOU STOLE A HAM.

HAM IS NOT KOSHER.

NOT KOSHER AT ALL.

WE DON'T EAT HAM.

WE HAVEN'T FOR 5,000 YEARS

AND WE DON'T NEED TO START NOW.

I KNOW AND I'M SORRY.

I KNOW YOU'RE SORRY

BECAUSE YOU DID SOMETHING

THAT GOT YOU INTO TROUBLE.

BUT I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND WHY.

WHEN I WAS A YOUNG MAN YOUR AGE

I HAD A FRIEND WHO ADMIRED A VEST

HANGING IN A TAILOR SHOP.

IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL VEST:

RED VELVET WITH GOLD BUTTONS.

HE COVETED THAT VEST, HAROLD

BUT DIDN'T HAVE MONEY TO BUY IT.

WELL, MY FRIEND STOLE THE VEST

AND HE WAS PUNISHED.

HE HAD TO WORK AT THE TAILOR SHOP

LEARNING HOW TO CUT AND SEW AND STITCH

SO HE WOULD SEE JUST HOW MUCH WORK

IT TAKES TO MAKE A VEST.

HE LEARNED A GOOD LESSON.

YOU CAN, TOO, HAROLD.

I HAVE AN IDEA.

Rabbi: SO WE'RE ALL AGREED?

HAROLD WILL WORK HERE AFTER SCHOOL FOR ONE WEEK.

I'M NOT WILD ABOUT THE IDEA, BUT I GUESS IT'S ONLY ONE WEEK.

THANK, THANKS, I THINK THIS WILL BE VERY GOOD FOR HAROLD.

WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO?

EVER USE ONE OF THESE BEFORE?

( loud whine )

( panting ): THIS STINKS.

HOW'S IT GOING, HAROLD?

PRETTY DUMB SO FAR.

MAYBE IT'LL GET BETTER.

THEY'RE MAKING ME WORK IN THIS STUPID BUTCHER SHOP.

( yelling )

Green: FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!

NOW THEY'RE ALL DIRTY!

SHOVEL 'EM UP AND THROW 'EM OUT.

AN OUNCE OF HELP, A POUND OF TROUBLE.

WHERE DO YOU WANT THESE?

NO, NO, DON'T LET 'EM DRAG

ON THE FLOOR LIKE THAT.

PICK 'EM UP!

( yelling )

( bawling )

HELP ME. MOMMY!

( groans )

UH, MR. GREEN?

YES?

WHY ARE YOU HITTING THE MEAT

WITH THAT HAMMER?

I'M TENDERIZING IT.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

I'M MAKING IT SOFTER.

IT TASTES BETTER.

YOU CAN MAKE MEAT TASTE DIFFERENT

JUST BY HITTING IT?

YOU CAN GO HOME NOW, HAROLD.

SO, HOW ARE THINGS AT MR. GREEN'S?

IT'S OKAY.

MEAT'S KIND OF INTERESTING.

WONDER WHAT THIS STUFF IS?

I'D SAY IT'S MADE FROM CHUCK ROAST.

WITH SOME ADDED OATMEAL FILLER, OF COURSE.

DO YOU LIKE BEING A BUTCHER?

HUH? YEAH. I'VE BEEN DOING IT FOR A LONG TIME.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF MEAT?

DON'T YOU HAVE SWEEPING TO DO?

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A RUMP ROAST AND A BUTT STEAK?

I GOT WORK TO DO, GO SWEEP OUTSIDE.

JUST TWO MORE DAYS AND HE'S OUT OF MY HAIR.

I SEE WE'RE HAVING THE MARINATED BEEF SHANK

AGAIN TODAY, HUH?

MIGHT I SUGGEST THAT YOU USE

A LITTLE LESS SOY SAUCE

IN YOUR MARINADE NEXT TIME?

IT OVERPOWERS THE BEEF.

BEEF, VEAL, PROSCIUTTO, PORK SAUSAGE.

Harold: DID YOU KNOW, MA, YOU CAN GET TRI-TIP

FOR ABOUT THE SAME PRICE AS THIS BRISKET

BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO MARINATE IT.

THREE DAYS IN A BUTCHER SHOP

AND ALREADY HE'S AN EXPERT.

THE POINT IS, HE'S NOT A CRIMINAL, MARILYN.

JERRY!

I'M JUST SAYING.

I THINK MAYBE HE'S FOUND HIS TRUE CALLING.

NICE JOB.

YOUR WEEK IS UP, YOU CAN RUN ALONG NOW.

YOU'RE ALL DONE PAYING ME BACK FOR THE HAM

YOU CAN GO.

BUT, I, I LIKE WORKING HERE.

I THINK I WANT TO GROW UP TO BE A BUTCHER.

MAYBE I COULD COME AND HELP YOU OUT EVERY DAY?

LIKE, BE YOUR ASSISTANT.

HAROLD, YOU'RE A NICE KID

BUT YOU'RE MORE TROUBLE THAN YOU'RE WORTH.

I GOT TO GET READY FOR MY ANNUAL MEAT SALE THIS WEEKEND

I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.

BUT I COULD HELP YOU.

OH, PLEASE!

I SAID NO, NO THANK YOU.

GOOD NIGHT, HAROLD.

HE'S STILL OUT THERE, HUH?

UH-HUH.

( groaning )

( doorbell tinkles )

( bell tinkling )

HEY, I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU...

HAROLD, COME BACK HERE!

HAROLD, WHAT IN THE NAME OF PETE

DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

OH, I'M SORRY, MR. GREEN.

YOU CAUGHT ME STEALING THAT TURKEY RED-HANDED, DIDN'T YOU?

GUESS YOU HAVE TO PUNISH ME NOW

AND MAKE ME WORK IN YOUR SHOP AGAIN.

OH, NO, YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ME, HAROLD BERMAN.

I TOLD YOU I DON'T WANT YOU TO WORK

IN MY SHOP ANYMORE AND I MEANT IT.

NOW GO ON, SCRAM!

( everybody talking )

I'LL GET TO ALL OF YOU, ONE AT A TIME.

ARNOLD, HERE'S YOUR GRANDMA'S ORDER.

YOU'RE BUSY, HUH, MR. GREEN?

NO, I'M IN A HAMMOCK

I'M TAKING A NAP ON A NICE SPRING DAY

YEAH, I'M BUSY.

BUT WHAT CAN I DO?

IT'S MY ANNUAL MEAT SALE.

IT'S ALWAYS LIKE THIS.

EVERYBODY, TAKE A NUMBER AND GET IN LINE.

NEXT!

Arnold: MR. GREEN, I BROUGHT SOMEONE TO HELP YOU.

NO, I ALREADY TOLD YOU.

YOU'RE MORE TROUBLE THAN YOU'RE WORTH.

YOU COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE ANY HELP.

UH, MR. BLUE...

IT'S GREEN!

WHERE ARE MY BRISKETS?

I TOLD YOU, WE'RE OUT!

BUT I...

ACTUALLY, MR. GREEN, I THINK YOU HAVE SOME

EXTRA BRISKET IN THE BACK FREEZER

WHERE YOU KEEP THE DICED LAMB.

YOU'RE RIGHT, THERE ARE BRISKETS THERE.

UH, WHAT THE HEY.

I'M PROBABLY CRAZY

BUT YOU CAN HELP OUT.

JUST FOR TODAY.

WASH YOUR HANDS AND COME HERE.

ALL RIGHT!

LAMB CHOPS.

COMING UP.

ANY MORE VEAL?

Green: LET'S SEE...

THE LAST FEW CHOICE VEAL CUTLETS.

THANKS, HAROLD.

YOU REALLY SURPRISED ME TODAY, HAROLD.

YOU DID A GREAT JOB.

THANKS, MR. GREEN.

I JUST LOVE BEING HERE AND BEING AROUND MEAT.

HAROLD, WHEN YOU FIRST STARTED HELPING OUT HERE

I REALLY THOUGHT IT WAS A BAD IDEA.

BUT AFTER TODAY I REALIZED THAT YOU REMIND ME OF SOMEONE.

REALLY, WHO?

A YOUNG ME.

WOW, THANKS, MR. GREEN.

NOW REMEMBER, I TOLD YOU, IT WAS JUST FOR ONE DAY.

YEAH, RIGHT.

WELL, THANKS FOR LETTING ME HELP TODAY.

I'D BETTER BE GOING THEN.

HEY.

HUH?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING MONDAYS AFTER SCHOOL?

YOU, YOU MEAN...

THAT'S RIGHT, YOU'RE MY NEW APPRENTICE BUTCHER.

REALLY?

SEE YOU MONDAY, KID.

ALL RIGHT!

and NICKELODEON