Original subtitles

Helga: ARNOLD!

( barking )

HEY, ARNOLD!

( glass shatters )

( girl shrieks )

Helga: HEY, ARNOLD!

ARNOLD!

ARNOLD!

ARNOLD!

[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and NICKELODEON]

AR-NOLD!

MOVE IT, FOOTBALL HEAD!

Kids: HEY, ARNOLD!

Mr. Simmons: CLASS, I HOPE YOU'LL ALL SHARE MY EXCITEMENT

FOR THE PARKAY APTITUDE TEST.

I TOOK THIS TEST AT YOUR AGE.

THAT'S WHEN I DISCOVERED

MY LIFELONG PASSION FOR TEACHING.

CRIMINY, WHAT A THROW PILLOW.

HOPE I GET THE KIND OF JOB WHAT COMES WITH A UNIFORM

AND A BIG PAPER HAT.

STINKY, YOU'RE AN IDIOT.

PLEASE WRITE YOUR NAMES ON YOUR FOLDERS.

HAROLD, PUT YOUR LIVERWURST SANDWICH AWAY

OR I'LL TAKE IT AWAY.

BUT I'M HUNGRY.

NOW, HAROLD!

ALL RIGHT, CLASS, LET'S GET STARTED.

REMEMBER, THOUGH THIS TEST WILL HELP YOU DETERMINE

WHAT YOU'LL DO FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES

WHATEVER THE OUTCOME, YOU ARE ALL SPECIAL TO ME.

"WOULD YOU RATHER BUILD A MODEL SHIP WITH MATCH STICKS

OR WATCH AN ANT FARM?"

"WOULD YOU RATHER VISIT AN ART MUSEUM

OR MAKE A MAP OF THE NORTHWEST TERRITORIES?"

HMM... TIME FOR MY TRUSTY PURPLE PEN.

( clock ticks... )

( bell rings )

LUNCH TIME! YEAH!

EUGENE, I'LL ENTRUST YOU TO COLLECT EVERYONE'S TESTS

AND PUT THEM ON MY DESK.

( murmuring )

( yelps )

OH, GOSH!

WHAT HAVE I DONE?

I WON'T SLEEP

UNTIL WE FIND OUT THE TEST RESULTS.

DON'T SWEAT IT.

YOU'LL END UP BEING A SCIENTIST.

I'LL HAVE MY OWN BALL TEAM

WRITE A BUNCH OF BOOKS

AND BECOME A MONEY-HUNGRY LAND BARON.

HAROLD HERE...

( grunting )

HAROLD WILL BECOME A DOORMAN

IF HE CAN EVER MASTER THE TECHNIQUE.

( grunting )

( grunting )

P... ULL.... PULL.

I GET IT!

OW!

Mr. Simmons: BOYS AND GIRLS...

HERE ARE THE EXCITING RESULTS OF YOUR APTITUDE TESTS.

MANY OF YOU ARE SUITED FOR CAREERS

YOU MAY NEVER HAVE IMAGINED.

ARNOLD WOULD MAKE A WONDERFUL AMBASSADOR TO A FOREIGN LAND.

PHOEBE WOULD MAKE AN EXCELLENT NEUROSURGEON.

HAROLD, CONGRATULATIONS

ON THE MOST OUTSTANDING TEST SCORES FOR A FOURTH-GRADER

SINCE OLGA PATAKI TOOK THE TEST.

( laughter )

NO, NO, SERIOUSLY.

HAROLD, YOU CAN CONSIDER A MULTIFACETED CAREER

IN INTERNATIONAL BUSINESS AFFAIRS

POLITICAL SCIENCE AND ELIZABETHAN POETRY.

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING.

I DON'T GET IT.

YOU MEAN I'M SMART?

HEY, EVERYBODY!

I'M SMART!

HAROLD? CAN DO ANYTHING?

THEN IT'S OBVIOUS I'M GOING TO BE

THE FIRST NOBEL PRIZE-WINNING FEMALE PRESIDENT

WITH THE POWER TO SEE THROUGH WALLS.

WOODSPERSON?!

WHAT THE HECK IS A WOODSPERSON?

WE USED TO CALL THEM WOODSMEN BACK WHERE I COME FROM.

ONLY THAT'S POLITICALLY INCORRECT.

IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE?

LIKE, I'M SUPPOSED TO BE

SOME KIND OF SIMPLE MOUNTAIN GIRL?

WHO ELSE GOT WOODSMAN FOR THEIR CAREER?

UH, I DID.

I GOT TALK SHOW HOST SIDEKICK.

I GOT CHOREOGRAPHER.

HEY-OH!

I GOT CHOREOGRAPHER.

HEY-OH!

NOBODY THINKS THERE'S ANYTHING STRANGE

ABOUT ME GETTING WOODSMAN?

PERHAPS SOMEONE WITH YOUR AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY

IS SUITED TO A SOLITARY OCCUPATION

WITH A PHYSICAL OUTLET FOR EXPRESSIONS OF RAGE.

( growls )

PERHAPS NOT.

Arnold: GUESS IT'S TIME TO START READING UP ON POLITICS.

Gerald: OH-HO-HO-HO, CORRECT, SIR.

STOP ACTING LIKE A TALK SHOW SIDEKICK.

HO! TOUCHE, SIR!

COOL, THE PIZZA BATS GO BANANAS!

IF YOU'RE SO SMART, YOU COULD PROBABLY READ REAL HARD STUFF.

HEY, YEAH, MAYBE I COULD.

( sounding out ): "ORNAMENTAL HORTICULTURE."

WILIKERS, YOU CAN READ IT!

WHEN DESIGNING A TOPIARY...

WOODSMAN, HAH, WOODSMAN!

I'LL SHOW YOU WOODSMAN!

I'LL BE THE BIGGEST NATURE-LOVING, MOUNTAIN GIRL

THE PARKAY APTITUDE TEST EVER SAW!

FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT...

SO, THIS HAS ALL BEEN A HUGE MISTAKE

AND MY OBSESSIVE POETRY

ISN'T THE SAVAGE, WELL-OBSERVED PAIN OF A TORMENTED ARTIST?

( sighs ) I MIGHT AS WELL FACE IT.

I'M JUST AN ORDINARY NINE-YEAR-OLD GIRL

LIVING AN ORDINARY LIFE.

Man: HAROLD IS A GENIUS, MORTY.

NO, THIS ISN'T A JOKE.

HE GOT THE MOST OUTSTANDING TEST SCORES IN CLASS.

HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THE FACT

THAT IT ALWAYS SEEMS TO TAKE LONGER DRIVING TO SOME PLACE

THEN IT TAKES TO DRIVE HOME?

IT'S THE BUILDUP OF LONGING AND ANTICIPATION

KIND OF LIKE ME WAITING FOR THAT CHOCOLATE CAKE YOU BAKED, MA.

OH, THE CAKE!

MY POOR DARLING GENIUS, I FORGOT.

IT'S A BRIGHT AND BEAUTIFUL FUTURE, HAROLD.

I KNOW.

THERE'S GOING TO BE CAKE.

Helga: MA, PA, I'VE DONE THUNK IT OVER

AND FROM NOW ON

THERE'LL BE NO MORE POEM-WRITIN' FOR ME.

I'M FIXIN' TO WORK WITH MY HANDS LIKE COUNTRY FOLK.

YEAH, GREAT, OLGA.

MOVE, I CAN'T SEE THE TV.

LOOKIN' THROUGH MY DIARIES MAKES ME POWERFUL SAD

SO I WANT YOU TO PUT THIS HERE BOX IN THE ATTIC.

HOW CAN I WATCH MY COMMERCIAL

WITH YOU YAKKING?

I RECKON YOU DON'T GIVE A HOOT.

HEY, GRAB ME A TALL, FROSTY ONE, HELGA.

IT'S YAHOO TIME.

HELGA, I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR BEHAVIOR.

'TAIN'T HARD TO FIGURE.

I DON'T NEED NO FANCY MARKETS

NO STORE-BOUGHT FOOD.

I'M GOING TO LIVE RIGHT OFF THE LAND.

( sniffing )

( chomping... )

( gasps )

( echoing ): 'TAIN'T SO EASY AS IT LOOKS.

( Bizet's Carmen playing )

I'M ONLINE, MA.

MY MENTOR PAL SAYS

YOU SHOULD BUY SOME MUTUAL FUNDS

BEFORE THE MARKET CLOSES.

WHO DIRECTED THIS CONCERTO?

HE HAS A LIVELY APPROACH.

HEY, HOW COME YOU DIDN'T SHOW UP FOR PRACTICE, HELGA

AIN'T GOT THE TIME, YOU WEIRD-LOOKIN' CITY BOY.

I'M MAKIN' ME A BIRD HOUSE.

IF YOU TAKE THAT STICK AWAY

DON'T YOU THINK IT WILL FALL APART?

WHY, DON'T BE A DURN FOOL.

AW, SHUCKS.

HAROLD, YOU MISSED PRACTICE.

SORRY, GUYS, I'M BUSY. LOOK.

MY DAD AND I ARE GOING TO BRING OUT

THE FULL POTENTIAL OF OUR ROOFTOP

BY BUILDING A GAZEBO IN THIS CORNER

AND CREATING A JAPANESE BONSAI GARDEN.

DID YOU THINK THIS UP YOURSELF?

I WAS INSPIRED BY THE TAJ MAHAL.

IT'S IN MY YOUNG GENIUS'S GUIDE TO INDIA.

IS IT MY IMAGINATION OR IS THERE

SOMETHING REALLY WEIRD HAPPENING IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD?

HO-HO-HO, YOU ARE CORRECT.

STOP IT.

THIS REALLY HELPS TO PASS THE TIME.

OH, YEAH, THE HOURS JUST GO FLYING BY

WHEN YOU REDUCE THE SCOPE OF YOUR ENTIRE WORLD

TO ALL THIS STUFF YOU CAN MAKE OUT OF A CRUMMY PINE CONE.

Mr. Simmons: IF THE TRAIN IS GOING 60 MILES AN HOUR

AND THE NEXT STATION IS 200 MILES AWAY

HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE TO REACH THAT STATION?

I KNOW, IT'S A DIVISION PROBLEM.

200 DIVIDED BY 60, WHICH IS

THREE AND ONE-THIRD HOURS.

( applause )

EXCELLENT!

WOULDN'T IT BE FASCINATING

TO HEAR HAROLD'S VIEWS ON WORLD EVENTS?

I RECKON, MM-HMM.

HELGA, MAYBE YOU CAN HELP WITH THE NEXT WORD PROBLEM.

IF THE TRAIN LEFT PENN STATION AT 3:00

WHAT IS ITS TIME OF ARRIVAL?

BEATS ME-- WE COUNTRY FOLK DON'T TAKE THE TRAIN.

HELGA, YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING.

YOU HAVEN'T BEEN VERY YOU LATELY.

I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU AFTER SCHOOL.

HELGA, EVER SINCE YOU TOOK THAT APTITUDE TEST

YOU'VE BEEN ACTING VERY DIFFERENTLY.

WELL, THIS BE THE REAL ME, MR. SIMMONS, SIMPLE AS PIE.

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND.

LOOK, WHY SHOULD I TORMENT MYSELF WRITING POEMS

ABOUT A CERTAIN IRRESISTIBLE

ENIGMATIC, FOOTBALL-HEADED...

WHOA, NELLY, I'M OVERHEATING MY TINY MIND.

I AIN'T ONE OF THEM BOOK-SMART FANCY PANTS.

I'LL BE HAPPY MAKIN' SLUMGULLION AND POSSUM PIE

AND PICKING MY TEETH.

WHERE DID YOU GET THE IDEA

PEOPLE FROM THE COUNTRY TALK LIKE THAT?

FROM THE CLAMPETTS, JED, ELLIE MAE...

YOU ARE TAKING THIS TEST TOO SERIOUSLY.

IT'S A GUIDELINE

NOT THE DECIDING FACTOR IN YOUR CAREER CHOICE.

ONLY YOU CAN CHOOSE YOUR FUTURE.

I'D LIKE TO JAW MORE, BUT I GOT WHITTLIN' TO DO.

YOU CAN TALK ABOUT THEM HIGHBROW IDEAS

WITH A SMART FELLER

LIKE HAROLD BERMAN.

YES, HAROLD'S TEST WAS A MYSTERY, TOO.

( gasps )

IT'S A GIANT 'H.'

I MUST HAVE GRADED SO MANY TESTS THAT NIGHT

I DIDN'T CATCH THIS.

THIS IS OBVIOUSLY NOT HELGA'S WORK.

( gasps ): PURPLE INK!

OH, I'VE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE!

INNOCENT CHILDREN'S LIVES ARE HANGING IN THE BALANCE.

Mr. Simmons: ACTUALLY, HELGA'S RESULTS

WERE QUITE EXCEPTIONAL.

I'M SORRY FOR THE HEARTACHE

THIS MUST HAVE CAUSED YOU AND...

FINE, WHATEVER.

IS THIS GOING TO COST ANYTHING?

NO, OF COURSE NOT.

GOOD, WE GOT THE WHEEL COMING ON

SO, YOU KNOW THE WAY OUT, HUH?

WHAT A THROW PILLOW.

I KNEW IT, I'M A LITERARY GIANT!

I CAN BE ANYTHING I WANT TO BE.

OH, THANK HEAVENS I DIDN'T THROW AWAY MY POEMS AND DIARIES.

THEY'LL BE COLLECTOR'S ITEMS SOME DAY.

PORTRAIT OF THE ARTIST AS A GIRL GENIUS.

( gasps )

( shrieking )

( Harold yelling )

I'M DUMB AS A ROCK!

I'M DUMB AS A BAD HAMMER!

NO, YOU STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND.

YOU DIDN'T ACTUALLY TAKE THE TEST.

YOU ANSWERED EVERY QUESTION

BY FILLING IN E: "TAKE A HIKE IN THE WOODS."

THINK ABOUT SOMETHING--

YOU DID MUCH BETTER IN SCHOOL THIS WEEK

BECAUSE YOU BELIEVED IN YOURSELF.

HEY, THAT'S RIGHT.

SO, I CAN GO AHEAD AND BUILD THE GAZEBO ON THE ROOF.

IF YOU STILL LIKE THE IDEA, DAD.

IT'S A GOOD IDEA, HAROLD.

Helga: "ARNOLD, YOU IDIOT, I'VE ALWAYS WORN IT.

"I'VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU, MY DARLING.

"MY DARLING, KISS ME.

"MY DARLING ORZO-SHAPED PROMETHEUS

WANDERING THE DISMAL DESERTS OF MY TORMENTED SOUL..."

Arnold: I'M TELLING YOU, GERALD

TODAY THIS KITE WILL FLY.

YOU KEEP SAYING THAT, BUT IT NEVER DOES.

YOU GOT TO HAVE FAITH.

THINGS CHANGE.

Kokoshka: I TOLD YOU

I DON'T HAVE THE MONEY.

( glass breaking )

I HAD TO USE IT

TO PAY FOR MY MOTHER'S HIP OPERATION.

Man: YOU LITTLE WEASEL

I'M GIVING YOU ONE WEEK TO COME UP

WITH THE CASH, OR ELSE.

Kokoshka: OR ELSE WHAT?

( thuds )

OKAY, I GET THE PICTURE.

YOU'RE A BIG MAN, AREN'T YOU?

THAT OSKAR KOKOSHKA

HE'S ALWAYS GETTING INTO TROUBLE.

DOESN'T HE HAVE A JOB OR ANYTHING?

OSKAR? I DON'T THINK HE'S EVER HAD A JOB.

I GAVE YOU $100 TWO DAYS AGO.

SUZIE, YOU KNOW I HAD TO USE IT

TO PAY THE PHONE BILL.

THEY CUT OFF OUR PHONE SERVICE THIS MORNING.

IT'S A TERRIBLE MISTAKE; WE SHOULD SUE.

THAT JUST DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

TELL ME ABOUT IT.

SO, CAN I HAVE THE $50?

I DON'T HAVE $50.

WE'VE ALREADY SPENT MY PAYCHECK THIS WEEK.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR OVERTIME?

I WORK 20 HOURS A WEEK OVERTIME.

HOW MANY MORE HOURS DO YOU WANT ME TO WORK?

HOW ABOUT 25?

OSKAR!

ERNIE, HOW'S THE DEMOLITIONS BUSINESS?

WHAT DO YOU WANT, KOKOSHKA?

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT?

IT HURTS ME WHEN YOU SAY THINGS LIKE THAT.

WELL, OKAY, THEN, WHAT IS IT?

I JUST CAME TO TELL YOU...

TO TELL YOU THAT I LOVE YOU, BUDDY.

COME ON, GIVE OSKAR A HUG.

THAT'S NICE, OSKAR.

I LIKE YOU, TOO... IN A BROTHERLY SORT OF WAY.

WELL, THAT'S ALL I WANTED TO SAY.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS.

YOU SHOULD BE MORE CAREFUL

BEFORE YOU GO AROUND JUDGING PEOPLE.

BY THE WAY, COULD I BORROW 50 BUCKS?

YOU'RE A BUM, KOKOSHKA, A LOUSY BUM, YOU'LL NEVER CHANGE.

YEAH, OKAY, SO HOW ABOUT THE 50?

MR. HYUNH, HOW'S MY FELLOW IMMIGRANT GOOD BUDDY, HUH?

YOU NO GET... ANY MONEY FROM ME!

YOU'RE NO GOOD, OSKAR!

NO GOOD AT ALL!

GRANDPA!

WELL, I GUESS THERE'S ONLY ONE THING TO DO.

MR. KOKOSHKA?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, ARNOLD, I WAS JUST TRYING TO, TO FIX THE WASHING MACHINE.

BUT, IT'S NOT BROKEN.

OKAY, GREAT, MY WORK IS DONE.

YOU WEREN'T TRYING TO BORROW QUARTERS

FROM THE MACHINE, WERE YOU?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

OF COURSE NOT.

I GOT PLENTY OF MONEY.

THE LAST THING I NEED IS MONEY.

( sobbing ): OH, ARNOLD, I NEED MONEY.

I'M DESPERATE, LITTLE BUDDY, YOU GOT TO HELP ME.

WHAT CAN I DO?

YOU'RE ALWAYS HELPING PEOPLE.

I SEE YOU DOING IT ALL THE TIME.

IF YOU'RE DESPERATE, I'VE GOT AN IDEA HOW YOU CAN GET MONEY.

HOW? I'LL DO ANYTHING.

GET A JOB.

GET A JOB?

ARNOLD, YOU'RE TALKING CRAZY.

LISTEN TO YOURSELF.

IT'S NOT THAT BAD.

BUT I NEVER HAD A JOB BEFORE.

THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU COULDN'T GET ONE NOW.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIND A JOB...

UNLESS YOU HELP ME.

SURE YOU WANT TO WORK?

IF IT'S THE ONLY WAY

THEN I GUESS I HAVE TO DO IT.

TOMORROW I'LL GET THE WANT ADS

AND WE'LL GO OUT AND LOOK FOR A JOB FOR YOU.

YOU ARE A PAL; I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

OH, MR. KOKOSHKA, THE COIN BOX?

WHAT? OH.

YEAH, THAT'S FUNNY

IT GOT IN MY POCKET SOMEHOW.

THERE MUST BE HUNDREDS OF JOBS IN HERE.

WE'LL FIND ONE THAT'S PERFECT FOR YOU.

JUST MAKE SURE IT'S A JOB

THAT PAYS A LOT OF MONEY

WITH NOT TOO MUCH WORK...

OH, AND A BIG, BEAUTIFUL SECRETARY, OKAY?

Woman: LET'S SEE...

YOU'RE 38 YEARS OLD

AND YOU HAVE AN EIGHTH-GRADE EDUCATION.

I WAS 14th IN MY CLASS.

OUT OF HOW MANY?

FOURTEEN.

ARE YOU GOOD WITH YOUR HANDS?

I'M VERY GOOD WITH MY HANDS.

I CAN DO THIS; IT SOUNDS LIKE A F...

I KNOW WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE.

I'M SORRY, I DON'T THINK WE HAVE AN OPENING

FOR A MAN WITH YOUR "UNIQUE" QUALIFICATIONS AT THIS TIME.

( laughter )

YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?

NO, IT'S NOT A JOKE.

HE REALLY WANTS TO WORK.

HE'S 38 YEARS OLD, HE'S NEVER HAD A JOB

AND YOU EXPECT ME TO HIRE HIM AS AN X-RAY TECHNICIAN?

( guffawing )

GET OUT OF...

DON'T WORRY.

SOMETHING IS BOUND TO TURN UP.

YEAH, BUT WHERE?

THAT'S THE LAST JOB ON THE LIST.

HEY, COME ON.

OKAY, SON, WHEN CAN YOU START THE JOB?

IT'S NOT FOR ME; IT'S FOR HIM.

HOW MANY SICK DAYS DO I GET?

HIM? ISN'T HE A LITTLE OLD TO BE A PAPER BOY?

HE'LL WORK REALLY HARD.

EVERYTHING IN MY BONES TELLS ME

I'M MAKING A BIG MISTAKE, BUT I NEED CARRIERS BAD.

PICK UP THE PAPERS AT 4:00 A.M.

BUNDLE THEM AND DELIVER THEM TO THE ADDRESSES

ON THIS ROUTE BY 6:00 A.M. SHARP.

HE GOT THE JOB?

HE GOT THE JOB.

THANKS A LOT.

HOW MANY SICK DAYS DO I GET?

THIS IS A BIG RESPONSIBILITY.

YOU HAVE TO BE UP EVERY MORNING AT 4:00.

ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN HANDLE IT?

NO PROBLEM. DON'T WORRY ABOUT A THING.

( ringing )

( crashes in garbage can, cat screeches )

OSKAR!

( shivering )

Hey, Arnold, hey--

( yawning )

HUH?

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S A QUARTER AFTER 4:00.

THE NEWSPAPERS!

OH, YEAH, RIGHT.

UH, LISTEN, ARNOLD, I CAN'T WORK TODAY.

I GOT SICK LAST NIGHT.

YOU'RE SICK?

OH, YEAH, REAL SICK.

I GOT THE, UH... CHINESE STOMACH FLU.

IT'S REALLY BAD.

( moans )

BUT IT'S YOUR FIRST DAY.

I KNOW, TALK ABOUT BAD LUCK.

I CAN DELIVER YOUR PAPERS TODAY.

THAT WOULD BE GREAT, THANKS A LOT.

YEAH, I HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER.

ME, TOO, BUT DON'T COUNT ON IT.

I'M SICK LIKE A DOG.

( moaning )

( dog barking )

Oskar: MORE PANCAKES, GRANDMA!

I COULD EAT A HORSE!

MR. KOKOSHKA?

KEEP THEM COMING.

I'M GOING FOR A RECORD.

I THOUGHT YOU HAD THE STOMACH FLU.

OH, WELL, YOU KNOW

THE SECOND YOU LEFT, I FELT SO MUCH BETTER.

IT'S A MIRACLE!

HMM...

Hey, Arnold! Hey, Arnold! Hey--

( yawning )

MR. KOKOSHKA, IT'S 4:30.

YOU'VE GOT NEWSPAPERS TO DELIVER.

OH, YEAH... LISTEN, ARNOLD

YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED.

I THREW OUT MY BACK LAST NIGHT.

( moaning )

I CAN BARELY MOVE BUT DON'T WORRY

I'LL STILL DELIVER THE PAPERS.

ARE YOU OKAY?

( moaning ): YEAH, SURE

I'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

I HAVE TO DO MY JOB.

CAN YOU WORK LIKE THAT?

PROBABLY NOT, BUT IF I DON'T DO IT

HOW CAN THE PAPERS GET DELIVERED

TO ALL THE GOOD PEOPLE OF THE CITY WAITING

FOR IMPORTANT NEWS ABOUT THE WORLD?

I COULD DELIVER YOUR PAPERS TODAY.

WELL, OKAY, IF YOU INSIST.

( moaning ): OH, THE PAIN.

( dog barking )

Oskar: OH, DIP ME, GRANDMA!

( Grandma laughing )

OH, VALENTINO, YOU DANCE DIVINELY.

BACK AT YOU, CRAZY LEGS.

MR. KOKOSHKA?!

OH, HI, YOU WANT TO CUT IN?

I THOUGHT YOU THREW YOUR BACK OUT.

IT GOT BETTER ALL OF A SUDDEN.

GO FIGURE, IT'S ANOTHER MIRACLE.

I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

OKAY, BUT NOT NOW, I'M DANCING.

NOW.

WHERE'S THE FIRE?

LOOK, YOU WANTED ME

TO HELP YOU GET A JOB AND I DID.

YEAH, YOU DID; GOOD FOR YOU.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK, MY BEAUTIFUL FATIMA.

FIRST YOU SAID YOU HAD THE STOMACH FLU

TODAY YOU SAID YOU HAD A BAD BACK.

ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER EXCUSE TOMORROW?

OR ARE YOU GOING TO DO YOUR JOB INSTEAD OF MAKING ME DO IT?

OF COURSE I'M GOING TO DO MY JOB.

DON'T WORRY.

GOOD.

BUT I CAN'T TOMORROW.

IT'S A NATIONAL HOLIDAY FROM MY OLD COUNTRY.

THAT'S IT! I'M TIRED OF ALL YOUR EXCUSES.

ARNOLD, YOU SEEM A LITTLE CRANKY.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAKE A NAP.

LOOK, I ONLY HELPED YOU

BECAUSE YOU SAID YOU WERE DESPERATE.

YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO CHANGE.

I GUESS I WAS WRONG.

MR. KOKOSHKA, I'M SORRY, BUT YOU ARE A HUGE LOSER.

Potts: I TOLD YOU

THAT KOKOSHKA IS A CLASS-"A" BUM

A CLASS-"A" BUM.

HE JUST NO GOOD.

I'M TELLING YOU, HYUNH

THAT BUM WILL NEVER WORK A SINGLE DAY IN HIS LIFE.

WANT TO GO WATCH GRANDMA VACUUM?

YES, OKAY.

SORRY ABOUT OSKAR.

I WISH FOR ONCE HE'D DO

WHAT HE SAYS HE'S GOING TO DO.

I GUESS THAT WON'T EVER HAPPEN.

I THOUGHT HE REALLY WANTED TO CHANGE

BUT HE WAS JUST FOOLING US ALL

JUST LIKE HE ALWAYS DOES.

SO, EVERYBODY THINKS THEY KNOW ME SO WELL.

WELL, WHAT DO THEY KNOW ABOUT OSKAR? NOTHING!

I CAN DO A JOB! SURE, I CAN!

I'LL SHOW THEM!

TOMORROW MORNING

I'M GOING TO DELIVER THOSE PAPERS.

THEN THEY'LL SEE.

( ringing )

( glass breaks )

( yelling, cat screeching )

( barking, yelling )

( yelling... )

( panting )

MR. KOKOSHKA?

( groaning )

YOU DIDN'T!

DID YOU DELIVER THE NEWSPAPERS?

YEAH, YOU BET I DID.

I SHOWED YOU I CAN DO A JOB, OKAY?

THAT'S GREAT, MR. KOKOSHKA.

MAYBE FOR YOU, BUT IT ALMOST KILLED ME.

LOOK, A TINY DOG BIT ME IN MY PANTS.

WHAT'S GOING ON, KOKOSHKA, YOU BUM?

WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?

DOING HIS JOB, MR. POTTS.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

QUIT KIDDING AROUND.

YOU CAN BELIEVE IT.

YOU DON'T THINK I CAN DO A JOB.

WELL, I JUST DID IT

SO TAKE THAT TO THE BANK, OKAY?

IT'S A MIRACLE!

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE THE DAY.

I WORK TWO WHOLE HOURS

AND I'M EXHAUSTED BUT I DID IT.

WE'RE PROUD OF YOU.

BUT I BET YOU CAN'T DO IT AGAIN TOMORROW.

OH, YEAH, WELL, I SHOW YOU!

I'LL DO IT TOMORROW

AND MAYBE EVEN THE NEXT DAY!

I'LL BET YOU TEN BUCKS YOU DON'T, KOKOSHKA.

MAKE IT 20; PUT YOUR MONEY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS.

TWENTY-ONE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN 21?

WHY DON'T WE MAKE IT A HUNDRED?

[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and NICKELODEON