Original subtitles

Helga: ARNOLD!

( barking )

HEY, ARNOLD!

( glass shatters )

( girl shrieks )

Helga: HEY, ARNOLD!

ARNOLD!

ARNOLD!

ARNOLD!

[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and NICKELODEON]

AR-NOLD!

MOVE IT, FOOTBALL HEAD!

Kids: HEY, ARNOLD!

Man on TV ( with Schwarzenegger accent ): Your evil scheme is now finished.

You have broken the law and now you must pay for your crimes.

It's time to take you... out to lunch.

I KNEW THE ABDICATOR WOULD CATCH THAT GUY.

HE ALWAYS DOES.

YEAH, THAT WAS PRETTY COOL, EUGENE.

HE'S MY HERO.

HE STANDS UP FOR THE LITTLE GUY.

THE GUY LIKE ME.

HE'S THE ABDICATOR:

DEFENDER OF THE POOR, THE WEAK, THE CLUMSY.

HE'S THE GREATEST.

WHAT THE...? WHOA!

THAT'S NICE, EUGENE, BUT HE'S JUST A TV HERO.

I MEAN, HE'S NOT REAL.

YOU'RE WRONG, GERALD.

HE MAY BE A TV HERO, BUT HE'S REAL, ALL RIGHT.

AND HE'LL BE IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD TOMORROW

FILMING ANOTHER EPISODE OF... THE ABDICATOR!

I CAN'T WAIT!

FINALLY, I'LL GET TO SEE MY HERO IN ACTION.

WHEN I GROW UP, I WANT TO BE JUST LIKE HIM!

HA!

AT LEAST HE HAS A DREAM, GERALD.

It's time to take you... out to lunch.

( imitating ): IT'S TIME TO TAKE YOU... OUT TO LUNCH.

HE'S MY HERO.

OH! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

IT'S HIM.

IT'S REALLY HIM.

THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE!

Man: AND... ACTION!

YOUR REIGN OF TERROR HAS COME TO A CONCLUSION.

I'M TAKING YOU DOWNTOWN.

AH, YOU AND WHAT ARMY?

ME AND THE ARMY OF JUSTICE

HONESTY

AND RESPECT FOR ALL CITIZENS

REGARDLESS OF RACE

CREED, COLOR OR POLITICAL AFFILIATION.

I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY...

ABDICATOR.

IT'S TIME TO TAKE YOU... OUT TO LUNCH.

THIS MUST BE THE BIG FIGHT SCENE.

THE ABDICATOR WILL CREAM THIS GUY.

SEE, HE'S A REAL HERO, YOU GUYS.

OKAY, CUT, THAT'S A PRINT.

BRING IN THE STUNT MAN.

HUH?

WHERE'S THE ABDICATOR GOING?

WHO'S THAT GUY?

AND... ACTION!

OKAY, CUT IT.

GOOD WORK, STUNT ABDICATOR.

STUNT ABDICATOR?

THE ABDICATOR DOESN'T DO HIS OWN STUNTS?

WHERE IS MY LUNCH?

WHERE IS MY APRICOT JUICE?

WHERE IS MY MUSHROOM BRIOCHE?

IT'S HOLLYWOOD, EUGENE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

COME ON, PEOPLE, I HAVE BEEN WORKING SINCE 11:00

AND THIS SUIT IS STILL TOO HOT AND CONFINING.

WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO GET SOME HELP AROUND HERE?

I MEAN, THE LAST TIME I LOOKED IN THE TRADES

I WAS STILL A MAJOR TELEVISION STAR.

AND HE'S WHINING LIKE A BABY.

THAT'S NOT THE WAY THE ABDICATOR WOULD ACT.

MAYBE HE'S JUST HAVING A BAD DAY.

THE ABDICATOR'S ALWAYS HONEST, BRAVE AND POLITE

NO MATTER WHAT.

HE'S A FAKE, GUYS.

HE'S NOT A REAL HERO AT ALL.

EUGENE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Eugene: BOO! BOO!

THE ABDICATOR STINKS.

WHOA! OW.

THE ABDICATOR'S A FAKE!

BOO!

HEY, YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED HERE.

NO FANS CAN CROSS THE BARRICADE.

WHY ISN'T SOMEBODY ON THIS?

YOU'RE A FAKE!

I'M JUST AN ACTOR.

YEAH, WELL TO MILLIONS OF KIDS YOU ARE A HERO.

WE LOOKED UP TO YOU.

BUT NOW I KNOW THE TRUTH.

YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A FAKE.

LOOK, KID, IT, IT'S JUST A ROLE I PLAY.

COME ON, YOU'RE A WIMP.

AW, FORGET IT, MOE.

THERE'S MILLIONS OF OTHER KIDS WHO'LL STILL WATCH THE SHOW.

I GUESS SO, BUT STILL I...

WHERE'S MY APRICOT JUICE?!

HE'S A FAKE, A FRAUD, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

DON'T FORGET, EUGENE...

HE'S JUST AN ACTOR.

ARNOLD, HE'S A WIMP.

AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, THE ABDICATOR'S A FAKE.

AND IF HE'S A FAKE

THERE'S NO REASON TO BE GOOD OR HONEST ANYMORE.

YOU'RE TAKING THIS A LITTLE TOO HARD, EUGENE.

YEAH? WELL, MAYBE I AM.

SO WHAT?

( slow heavy metal music playing... )

( cat yowls )

"HOW TO GO BAD."

HMM...

WHOA!

( fire alarm ringing... )

( kids yelling... )

DID YOU PULL THAT ALARM?

SO WHAT IF I DID?

DID YOU OBSERVE A FIRE IN THE VICINITY?

HEY, MAN, THERE'S NO FIRE.

PULLING THE FIRE ALARM WITHOUT PROBABLE CAUSE

IS A VIOLATION OF THE SCHOOL CODE

AND A VERY SERIOUS INFRACTION.

SO... SUE ME.

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.

IN MY OFFICE, RIGHT THIS MINUTE, YOUNG MAN!

HEY, THAT'S NOT MY SCENE, MAN.

( kids gasp )

CUTS.

EUGENE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHATEVER I WANT, SQUIRT.

SQUIRT? UH, LOOK, EUGENE...

I WAS WONDERING HOW THINGS WERE GOING.

WHAT'S IT TO YOU?

COME ON, EUGENE.

YOU'VE CHANGED.

MAKE YOUR POINT, ARNOLD.

YOU'RE BORING ME.

EUGENE?

THAT'S MY NAME, DON'T WEAR IT OUT.

OH, BROTHER.

YOU USED TO BE A NICE KID.

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

'CAUSE IT'S THERE.

THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE.

IT'S NOT COMPLICATED, ARNOLD.

I USED TO BE A NICE GUY.

BUT SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE, I CHANGED.

ONCE A GUY LIKE ME CHANGES

THERE AIN'T NO CHANGING BACK. GOT IT?

BUT, EUGENE...

LATER FOR YOU.

( cracking knuckles )

HI, EUGENE.

MOVE IT OR LOSE IT.

IS THAT ALL YOU GOT TO SAY TO ME?

WHAT ELSE WOULD I SAY

TO A PUNK LIKE YOU?

IT USED TO BE I THOUGHT YOU'D GIVE ME ADVICE.

IT USED TO BE I THOUGHT

YOU'D PROVIDE AN EXAMPLE I COULD LOOK UP TO.

IT USED TO BE THAT, BECAUSE I WAS YOUNGER AND SMALLER THAN YOU

I LOOKED UP TO YOU AS A HERO

AS AN EXAMPLE OF WHAT I MIGHT BE WHEN I GREW UP.

BUT LATELY, SINCE YOU'VE BEEN ACTING MEAN AND NASTY

I GUESS THE ONLY THING YOU GOT TO SAY TO ME IS

"LOOK OUT FOR YOURSELF AND THE HECK WITH EVERYBODY ELSE."

I USED TO LOOK UP TO YOU, EUGENE.

BUT NOW THAT YOU'VE GONE BAD

THERE'S NOTHING FOR ME TO DO BUT...

GO BAD, TOO.

Moe: LAST NIGHT I COULDN'T SLEEP.

I KEPT THINKING ABOUT WHAT THAT CLUMSY KID SAID TO ME.

ABOUT HOW HE ALWAYS LOOKED UP TO THE ABDICATOR.

LOOK IT, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

EVERY BIG STAR HAS ONE OR TWO DISGRUNTLED FANS.

I WAS SO TROUBLED I WOKE UP MY NEIGHBOR TO BORROW A DICTIONARY

AND LOOK UP THE MEANING OF "ABDICATOR."

IT MEANS TO GIVE UP RESPONSIBILITY.

TO ABANDON YOUR POSITION WITHOUT FULFILLING YOUR DUTIES.

I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

IT LEFT ME HAUNTED.

THIS MORNING I WAS SO UPSET I COULD BARELY WORK OUT.

LOOK, MAURICE, DARLING, YOU'RE NOT A REAL HERO.

YOU JUST PLAY ONE ON TV.

THAT'S WHAT I TOLD THAT KID.

BUT SOMEHOW IT'S NOT A GOOD ENOUGH ANSWER.

KIDS NEED A HERO TO LOOK UP TO.

THAT LITTLE KID LOOKED UP TO ME AND I FAILED HIM.

I ABDICATED MY DUTIES.

I NEED TO TAKE A WALK.

MAURICE... WAIT!

Little Kid: SO WHAT IF IT'S PAST MY BEDTIME?

I'M GOING OUT, AND I MIGHT NOT BE BACK TILL 9:00!

Arnold: EUGENE!

EUGENE, WAIT.

YOU'RE ACTING CRAZY, EUGENE.

SO WHAT? IT'S NONE OF YOUR BEESWAX.

EUGENE... YOU MAY NOT KNOW IT

BUT THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT YOU.

YEAH, RIGHT.

HELP!

SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME!

IT'S THAT KID THAT WAS BUGGING ME TODAY.

HELP!

EVERYBODY NEEDS A HERO.

PLEASE, HELP ME!

( crash )

I'M OKAY.

DON'T WORRY, I'LL GET YOU DOWN.

( yelling )

( yelling )

Eugene: HELP! A LITTLE HELP HERE?

WHOA!

HELP!

HELP...

SOMEBODY.

( gasps )

IT'S THAT CLUMSY KID WHO SAID I STINK.

KIDS NEED A HERO TO LOOK UP TO.

DON'T WORRY, I GOT YOU, CLUMSY KID.

( cheering and applause )

WOW, IT'S YOU, THE ABDICATOR.

YOU SAVED ME.

YOU REALLY ARE A HERO.

NO, I'M NOT A REAL HERO.

I'M JUST A HIGHLY PAID TV STAR.

BUT I STILL CARE ABOUT THE KIDS WHO WATCH MY SHOW

AND LOOK UP TO ME.

AND I WANT THEM TO DO THE RIGHT THING.

EVERYBODY NEEDS A HERO.

THANKS, ABDICATOR.

CALL ME MAURICE.

EUGENE, YOU SAVED ME.

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN OUT HERE.

I KNOW.

ISN'T IT PAST YOUR BEDTIME?

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE IN BED BY 8:30.

RIGHT AFTER MY FAVORITE SHOW, YO, ERNEST.

I'LL TAKE YOU HOME.

Little Kid: EUGENE... YOU'RE MY HERO.

WELL, I STILL SAY HE'S A JINX AND A GEEK.

YEAH, BUT HE'S SOMETHING ELSE, TOO.

A GOOF?

NO... A HERO.

THAT'S CORNY, ARNOLD.

YEAH, I KNOW.

BUT IT SOUNDED REALLY COOL FOR A MINUTE.

I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.

BUT AFTER IT SOUNDED COOL, IT SOUNDED REALLY CORNY.

I MEAN CORNY, CORNY...

( "Ride of the Valkyries" playing... )

HMPH! OPERA.

WHAT A BUNCH OF DORKS.

LA-DI-DA FROU-FROU LADIES IN WIGS

SINGING A LOT OF TWO-DOLLAR WORDS ABOUT NOTHING. DOY!

WHAT A WASTE OF A GOOD FIELD TRIP.

YOU SAID A MOUTHFUL, PAL.

OPERA'S FOR WIMPS.

( kids muttering agreement )

KIDS, KIDS, JUST LISTEN.

FEEL THE MUSIC.

HERE'S THE BIG FINISH.

( humming along )

THAT WAS WAGNER'S "RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES."

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

( booing )

BAD, REALLY BAD.

STINKY, YOU'RE ENTITLED TO YOUR OPINION.

BUT I BET I'LL MAKE AN OPERA LOVER OF YOU YET.

( playing new song )

THIS IS, OF COURSE, THE SONG OF PAGLIACCI, THE CRYING CLOWN.

LOOK AT ME, I'M PAGLIACCI, THE BIG SAD CLOWN, BOO-HOO.

( kids laughing )

( playing new song )

THIS IS WHAT WE'LL BE SEEING TODAY.

A CLASSIC TALE OF POWER AND FAITHLESS LOVE.

THE OPERA CARMEN.

POWER AND FAITHLESS LOVE, HUH?

YOU GOT MY ATTENTION.

THE STORY CENTERS AROUND CARMEN...

Kids: WOW!

THE BEAUTIFUL GYPSY

Kids: WOW!

THE BEAUTIFUL GYPSY

WHO FLIRTS WITH THE YOUNG OFFICER, DON JOSE.

Kids: WHOO-HOO!

DON JOSE IS-- HOW WOULD YOU SAY?--

CHARMED BY CARMEN AND LET'S HER ESCAPE ARREST

FOR-- HOW SHOULD I PUT THIS?--

UH... CAUSING HARM TO ANOTHER GIRL.

MAYBE THIS WON'T BE SO BORING AFTER ALL.

NOT BORING AT ALL, HELGA.

CARMEN IS A GREAT STORY.

BUT CARMEN FORGETS ALL ABOUT DON JOSE

THE MINUTE SHE SETS HER GYPSY EYES ON THE TORERO, ESCAMILLO.

WHAT'S A TORERO?

Curly: YOU KNOW, A TOREADOR.

A BULLFIGHTER.

( crowd cheering )

( kids cheering )

OH, MY GOSH, LOOK.

THE SHOW'S ABOUT TO START.

HAVE YOUR TICKETS READY.

OH, ARNOLD!

FLAMENCO DANCER

STOMPING ON THE STAGE OF MY HEART.

CONQUISTADOR OF MY SOUL.

WOULD THAT

AT THIS MOMENT

I COULD KNOW YOUR HEART'S DESIRE, MY LOVE.

( girls giggling )

RUTH!

RUTH...!

IF ONLY I COULD GET THAT FOOTBALL-HEADED TORERO

TO FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT ME.

WHAT AM I DOING WRONG, WHAT?

ONE SIDE, MORON!

( kids muttering ): WHEN IS IT GOING TO START?

( shushing )

EVERYBODY, QUIET.

( shushing )

( Carmen overture playing... )

( applause... )

Gerald: ♪ FIGARO, FIGARO, FIGARO... ♪

HUH?

♪ FIGARO, FIGARO ♪

♪ FIGARO... ♪

HEY, GERALD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

( crying )

HAROLD?

UH... ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

LOOK AT ME, ARNOLD.

LOOK AT ME!

I'M A... I'M A...

( to "Vesti la Giubba" ): ♪ BIG UGLY CLOWN-O ♪

♪ A BIG, SAD, UGLY CLOWN-O. ♪

( crying... )

( kids laughing )

( gasp )

( kids exclaiming )

( "Habanera" playing )

♪ I'M RUTH McCARMEN, AND AWFULLY CHARMIN' ♪

♪ I GUESS YOU NOTICE BY THE WAY YOU STARE ♪

♪ YOU'RE NOT BAD, EITHER, LET'S TAKE A BREATHER ♪

♪ AND WE CAN TALK ABOUT MY AUBURN HAIR ♪

♪ HER AUBURN HAIR, YOU'RE STANDING THERE ♪

♪ WHY DON'T YOU INTRODUCE YOURSELF TO RUTH? ♪

♪ SHE'S LIKE A FLOWER BLOSSOM ♪

♪ I KNOW, SHE'S WICKED AWESOME ♪

♪ COME ON, ARNOLD, IT'S THE MOMENT OF TRUTH ♪

♪ MY NAME'S DON ARNOLD, PLEASE HAVE A CARMEL ♪

♪ YOUR HAIR IS LOVELY, DO YOU LIKE MY PANTS? ♪

♪ THEY'RE MADE OF SATIN, THE CAPE'S PURE LATIN ♪

♪ I HAD IT TAILORED IN THE SOUTH OF FRANCE ♪

♪ THE SOUTH OF FRANCE, YOUR SATIN PANTS ♪

♪ WHY DON'T YOU ASK THE LADY FOR A DANCE? ♪

♪ IT'S TIME FOR YOUR DECISION ♪

♪ IT'S ALMOST INTERMISSION ♪

♪ HEY, ARNOLD, YOU BETTER ASK HER TO DANCE ♪

( cow mooing )

UH... HEY, CUT IT OUT!

WHO'S DOING THAT?

I HAD TO SHUT YOU UP SOMEHOW.

YOU WERE SNORING LOUDER THAN THE ORCHESTRA.

( kids laugh )

MAN, HOW FAR INTO IT ARE WE?

BEATS ME, I'M LOOKING FOR SOME MUSIC TO LISTEN TO

UNTIL THIS THING IS OVER.

SECOND ACT.

NOW CARMEN WILL CONVINCE DON JOSE

TO DESERT FROM THE ARMY

AND JOIN HER BAND OF GYPSY SMUGGLERS.

ALL GOES OKAY FOR A WHILE

BUT THEN THIS REALLY HANDSOME GUY NAMED ESCAMILLO...

( thunder rumbling )

HUH?

( "Ride of the Valkyries" playing... )

( all gasp )

( horse whinnies )

( screaming )

♪ RUTH IS A LIGHTWEIGHT AND GIGGLING GEEK BAIT ♪

♪ I'M HERE TO THRASH HER, THAT'S WHAT I SAID ♪

♪ RUTH IS A LOSER, HOW COULD YOU CHOOSE HER? ♪

♪ HOW COULD YOU DO THAT, FOOTBALL HEAD? ♪

♪ FOOTBALL HEAD, FOOTBALL HEAD ♪

♪ TO SHOW MY CONTEMPT, HER PICTURE I SHRED ♪

♪ HELGA'S A VIKING ♪

♪ SURE IS EXCITING ♪

♪ I'M GOING TO THUMP HER RIGHT ON THE HEAD ♪

( thunder crashes )

OH, YEAH? HOW?

♪ WITH MY GOLDEN MAGIC SLINGSHOT ♪

GOLDEN MAGIC SLINGSHOT?

GOLDEN MAGIC SLINGSHOT?

I THOUGHT IT WAS SPEAR AND A MAGIC HELMET.

♪ NO... WITH MY GOLDEN MAGIC SLINGSHOT ♪

DOY!

HEY, RUTH, SCENE'S OVER, BONEHEAD.

RUTH?

RUTH?

RUTH?

RUTH? HMPH!

( to "Habanera" ): ♪ JUST LIKE I STATED, SHE'S OVERRATED ♪

♪ A BIG NO-BRAINER WITH ENORMOUS FEET ♪

♪ WHY NOT FORGET HER? I'M SO MUCH BETTER ♪

♪ MY NAME'S CARMHELGA AND I'M AWFULLY SWEET ♪

♪ SHE'S AWFULLY SWEET, SUCH TINY FEET ♪

♪ HER NAME'S CARMHELGA AND YOU TWO SHOULD MEET ♪

♪ COME JOIN MY BAND OF GYPSIES ♪

♪ WE'RE TOURING 50 CITIES ♪

♪ WITH YOU, MY GYPSY BAND WILL BE... COMPLETE ♪

PERFECT.

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE BETTER THAN THIS?

HOLD IT!

Crowd: CURLYMILLO!

( cheering )

( sighing )

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

( horn honks )

( to "Toreador Song" ): ♪ I'M SO FINE, THE GIRLS KNOW I'M DIVINE ♪

♪ THE THING IS, I'M SUBLIME, IT'S REALLY TRUE, YOU KNOW ♪

♪ CHECK OUT MY CUSPIDOR, I'M WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR ♪

♪ HELGA, WON'T YOU DUMP THIS GUY AND COME TO MY BULLFIGHTS? ♪

BULLFIGHTS, HUH?

♪ BULLFIGHTS AND SWORD FIGHTS, ROLLING IN MANURE ♪

♪ BLOWS TO THE HEAD... ( clank )... I CAN ENDURE ♪

♪ FIGHTING BULLS IS ALL I WANT IN LIFE ♪

♪ PLUS I COULD USE A WIFE ♪

♪ AND SEVERAL PAIRS OF TIGHTS IN SHADES OF BLUE ♪

♪ HELGA, PLEASE SAY "I DO" ♪

( cheering )

Arnold: WAIT A MINUTE.

EN GARDE.

CAFE AU LAIT!

Crowd: FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT...!

AT LAST MY DREAM COMES TRUE.

ARNOLD, MY TRUE LOVE, SAVING MY HONOR, DUELING TO THE DEATH.

BE STILL, MY BEATING HEART.

HUSH, MY DISTEMPERED BREATH.

( heavy, nasal breathing )

I SAID, "HUSH, MY DISTEMPERED BREATH."

( playing "Carmen" overture... )

( Eugene yelling... )

( gasp )

AH! OH... OH...

( gasping and weeping )

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

OH... DON ARNOLD, MY LOVE.

( rumbling )

( screaming... )

ARNOLD, DON ARNOLD, WAIT MY LOVE!

WAIT! DON'T GO!

( applause )

SO, HOW WAS IT?

IT WAS... INTERESTING.

WASN'T THAT GREAT, HELGA?

IT WAS OKAY.

IT JUST ENDED TOO SOON. ( sighs )

[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and NICKELODEON]

Gerald: THE OPERA? WHAT A WASTE OF A GOOD FIELD TRIP.

( to "Toreador Song" ): ♪ CONTESTS OF BRUTE STRENGTH, WRESTLING IN THE MUD ♪

I'M LOOKING FOR SOME MUSIC TO LISTEN TO. MM!

♪ CURLY'S THE BEST ♪

MM, THAT'S RIGHT, TASTES SO GOOD, IT'S RIGHT.

♪ ARNOLD'S A DOPE ♪

FIGARO, MM-MM.

♪ HELGA, YOU SHOULD REALLY GET A CLUE ♪

WHATEVER YOU SAY.

MM-MM-MM-MM-MM, THAT'S RIGHT.

WHAT'S A TORERO?

♪ CURLYMILLO'S FOR YOU ♪

♪ ARNOLD IS LAST WEEK'S NEWS, HE'S OVERDUE ♪

FIGARO, RO, RO, RO, RO.

♪ CURLY'S THE ONE FOR YOU. ♪