Original subtitles

Helga: ARNOLD!

( barking )

HEY, ARNOLD!

( glass shatters )

( girl shrieks )

Helga: HEY, ARNOLD!

ARNOLD!

ARNOLD!

ARNOLD!

[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and NICKELODEON]

AR-NOLD!

MOVE IT, FOOTBALL HEAD!

Kids: HEY, ARNOLD!

Arnold: PUT THE YELLOW ONE IN THE VIDEO PLUG.

Gerald: I PUT THE YELLOW ONE IN.

Arnold: TRY THE RED ONE.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID THE YELLOW.

THE RED ONE.

THIS BETTER WORK.

YELLOW ONE IN-- COME ON, GIVE ME SOMETHING.

OH, THERE IT IS!

GERALD, MAYBE SOMEDAY WE'LL MAKE MOVIES TOGETHER.

HEY, ARNOLD, WE'RE DOING IT NOW.

Gerald: WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT'S THAT GUY DOING?

WHAT GUY?

THAT GUY.

YOU CAN HARDLY SEE HIM.

HOLD ON A SEC.

I CAN LOOK AT THE TAPE ON MY COMPUTER.

( computer beeping )

WHAT'S THAT HAT HE'S WEARING?

I THINK IT'S CALLED A PORKPIE HAT.

WHAT'S PORKPIE DOING AT THE TREE?

Arnold: I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON, BUT IT LOOKS SUSPICIOUS.

YEAH, IT'S LIKE AN OLD-FASHIONED MYSTERY-MOVIE THRILLER.

THE PERFECT TITLE:

THE MYSTERY OF PORKPIE

AND THE ENVELOPE IN THE TREE.

GRAB YOUR CAMERA, GERALD.

LET'S CHECK THIS OUT.

Gerald: AT THIS MOMENT

WE ARE HOT ON THE TRAIL OF A MYSTERIOUS MAN

KNOWN ONLY AS "PORKPIE"

WHO HAS STASHED AN UNMARKED ENVELOPE

IN THIS VERY TREE.

OPEN IT, ARNOLD.

IT'S A NOTE.

"PORPOISES AT 2:00."

HMM.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S THINK.

WHERE ARE THE PORPOISES?

IT'S OBVIOUS, AT THE AQUARIUM.

THEY'RE MEETING BY THE PORPOISE TANK.

THAT'S ALL THE WAY DOWNTOWN.

THEY'RE NOT MEETING AT THE AQUARIUM.

OH, THEY'RE NOT?

REMEMBER THE NEWS, THE AQUARIUM'S PORPOISES?

WHAT, DID THEY CROAK?

NO, THEY'RE ON LOAN TO UNDERWATER WORLD

AND THERE'S ONLY ONE OTHER PLACE IN THE CITY THAT HAS PORPOISES.

( porpoises chirping )

HEY-- ( sniffs )

WHOSE IDEA WAS IT TO PUT A MERRY-GO-ROUND

NEXT TO THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE?

Arnold: THAT GUY WITH THE SLICK HAIR MUST BE MEETING PORKPIE.

WELL, PORKPIE AND SLICK ARE ABOUT TO BECOME

THE STARS OF OUR MOVIE.

( merry-go-round music playing )

YOU LIKE THE PLAN?

YEAH, I LIKE IT A LOT.

THINK HE'S ON TO US?

HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO TO HIM.

DID YOU GET THE GUN?

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

THEY'RE TRYING TO GET A GUN.

I THOUGHT HE SAID GUM.

HE SAID GUN, I HEARD HIM.

I GOT ROPE AND A KNIFE.

GOOD, GOOD, THIS IS GOING TO BE THE SHOCK OF HIS LIFE.

( both laughing )

I LOVE THOSE PORPOISES.

THEY'RE JUST SO CUTE.

YEAH, THEY ARE CUTE.

I NEVER RODE THEM BEFORE.

WELL, THAT'S THAT.

TWO SUSPICIOUS CHARACTERS IN A TAXICAB

DISAPPEAR INTO THE TEEMING CITY.

Arnold: CAR 16.

I HAVE AN IDEA, COME ON.

Woman: I'M SORRY GUYS, I CAN'T TELL YOU WHERE DIFFERENT CABS HAVE BEEN.

IT'S CLASSIFIED INFORMATION.

THIS IS IMPORTANT.

SORRY, KIDDO, NO CAN DO.

LISTEN, SABRINA, WE'RE AFTER SOME BAD, BAD MEN.

IT'S A DANGEROUS GAME.

AN INNOCENT MAN CAN BE HURT UNLESS YOU HELP US.

NOW, UH, WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT?

( purrs suggestively )

UH-HUH-- UH, LOUISE, CAN I GET

THE BATHROOM KEY?

I GOT AN IDEA.

ARNOLD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THAT'S A DISPATCHER'S RADIO MIKE.

I KNOW. ( clears throat )

( in high voice ): CAR 16, THIS IS SABRINA.

YOU PICKED UP SOME SNEAKY LOOKING GUYS

AT THE MERRY-GO-ROUND.

WHERE DID YOU TAKE THEM?

Man: Hey, Sabrina, your voice sounds different

exotic or something.

HURRY UP.

SHE'S COMING BACK!

Uh, anyway, I took that porkpie-hat guy

to 27 Grand Street, that's two-seven Grand.

He had a friend with him; they were whispering and stuff.

I don't want nothing to do with it.

So, uh, you want to split a chili dog later or something?

THIS ROPE IS STRONG ENOUGH TO...

WELL, YOU KNOW.

HANG HIM HIGH. ( chuckles )

I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING ELSE

IN THE PARKING LOT.

YOU'RE STILL DRIVING THIS HEAP?

DRIVING IT? I LIVE IN IT.

HOLD ON A SEC, I GOT TO CHECK MY MESSAGES.

( yelling on phone )

MAN, THIS GUY JED'S IRKING ME REAL BAD.

HE KEEPS ASKING WHAT TIME WE'RE GETTING MARTY TONIGHT.

7:00, 7:00.

7:00 TONIGHT.

WHAT ARE THOSE?

I THINK THEY'RE GAS CANISTERS.

WHY WOULD PORKPIE NEED THOSE?

THESE CANISTERS ARE GOING TO HELP US BLOW THEM UP.

YOU KNOW HOW MARTY HATES WHEN THINGS BLOW UP.

( both laugh )

MARTY HAS IT COMING TO HIM

AFTER ALL HE'S DONE TO US.

I DO NOT TRUST THESE GUYS.

AND WHO'S THIS MARTY?

I THOUGHT THESE MASKS WOULD BE A NICE TOUCH.

MAN, OH, MAN, THESE WILL DO MARTY IN.

DO MARTY IN, YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

THEY'RE GOING TO 86 HIM.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

PLANT HIM, RUB HIM OUT, TAKE HIM OFF THE MENU.

CALM DOWN, ARNOLD.

LET'S NOT JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS.

OH, MAN, THERE'S NO DOUBT ABOUT IT.

TONIGHT WE'RE GOING TO FINISH MARTY OFF.

ALL RIGHT, NOW WE CAN JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS.

( car alarm ringing )

( screams )

HEY, I'VE SEEN YOU TWO KIDS BEFORE.

YOU'RE FOLLOWING US.

MAYBE THEY KNOW MARTY.

YOU KNOW MARTY?

UH, NO, WE DON'T KNOW MARTY.

WHAT'S WITH THE CAMERA?

IT'S... IT'S A PROJECT FOR SCHOOL.

PROJECT FOR SCHOOL?

DO YOU THINK WE'RE CHUMPS?

I BET THEY'RE WORKING FOR MARTY.

THEY'LL BLOW OUR PLAN.

OKAY, CLOWN TIME IS OVER.

FORK OVER THE CAMERA, HARDY BOYS.

THAT'S IT, WE'RE GOING STRAIGHT TO THE POLICE.

( loud laughter )

I DON'T THINK THEY TOOK US VERY SERIOUSLY.

WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

WE HAVE TO DO THIS ON OUR OWN.

HOW ARE WE GOING TO FIND MARTY?

HEY, ARNOLD, HEY, GERALD.

HI, MR. GREEN.

YOU'RE SURE DRESSED UP.

YOU'RE LOOKING SPORTY.

THANKS, BOYS.

WELL, I GOT TO GO CHOP UP

SOME RUMP ROAST.

THAT'S OKAY.

WE GOT TO GO ANYWAY.

SEE YOU LATER, MR. GREEN.

Gerald: ARNOLD, YOU'VE LOOKED

AT THE SAME TAPE OVER AND OVER.

FACE IT, WE'RE FRESH OUT OF CLUES.

WE'VE GOT TO FIND OUT ABOUT MARTY.

( exasperated ): WHY DON'T YOU

JUST CALL UP PORKPIE AND ASK HIM?

GERALD, THAT'S IT!

WE CALL PORKPIE AND ASK HIM.

ONE PROBLEM, SHERLOCK.

WE DON'T HAVE PORKPIE'S PHONE NUMBER.

( beeping )

( beeps )

( beeps )

SO NOW WE HAVE TO...

MATCH THE TONES.

AND I CAN DO IT ON THE COMPUTER.

MAN, THAT IS SO COOL.

HERE, CALL HIM.

ME?

HE'S HEARD MY VOICE.

YOU'VE GOT TO DO IT.

( beeping )

( dial tone )

( clicks )

HI, PORKPIE?

IT'S JED.

NO, NO, IT'S REALLY JED.

MY VOICE?

OH... ( coughs )

I GOT BAD ALLERGIES.

( coughing )

WELL, ANYWAY, I FORGOT

WHERE YOU WERE GOING TO GET MARTY TONIGHT.

I KNOW YOU TOLD ME A MILLION TIMES.

I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, BUDDY, OKAY?

UH-HUH, UH-HUH.

THE WAREHOUSE AT FRONT STREET AND MARKET AT 7:00?

GOT IT.

FRONT STREET AND MARKET?

THAT'S RIGHT NEAR THE MERRY-GO-ROUND.

WE HAVE 15 MINUTES.

LET'S DO IT.

I HOPE WE DIDN'T MISS MARTY.

I HOPE I HAVE ENOUGH TAPE.

GERALD, SOMEONE'S LIFE IS ON THE LINE.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE CAMERA.

( boards creaking )

HEY, WHAT'S MR. GREEN DOING HERE?

MR. GREEN?

WHAT A COINCIDENCE.

ARNOLD AND GERALD.

WHAT'S UP?

SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN

TO A MAN NAMED MARTY.

MARTY?

MY NAME'S MARTY.

ARE YOU THE MARTY?

I'M THE ONLY MARTY I KNOW.

MR. GREEN, YOU CANNOT GO IN THAT BUILDING.

THESE TWO MEN HAVE BEEN SAYING

"WE'RE GOING TO GET MARTY."

THESE ARE REAL BAD GUYS.

WHAT DO THESE BAD GUYS LOOK LIKE?

ONE WEARS A PORKPIE HAT.

THE OTHER LIVES IN HIS CAR.

DAN AND SHERM.

THEY'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET ME FOR YEARS.

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

IT'S ALMOST 7:00.

NO. IF THESE GUYS ARE OUT TO GET ME

I'M NOT GOING TO RUN AWAY. NO, SIR.

IT'S TIME I FACED

THE MUSIC.

HELLO?

HELLO?

HELLO?

( chains clanking )

MR. GREEN!

( eerie organ grinder music playing )

All: SURPRISE!

All: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MARTY!

YOU GOT ME, GUYS, YOU GOT ME.

OH, WHAT A GREAT TWIST!

WHO KNEW THERE ARE SO MANY BUTCHERS?

I THOUGHT THEY WERE REALLY GOING TO GET YOU.

THESE GUYS? THEY'RE BUTCHERS.

THEY WOULDN'T HURT A FLY.

MAYBE A COW, BUT NOT A FLY.

( all laughing )

( fairground music playing )

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MR. GREEN.

WE HAVE A GREAT MYSTERY MOVIE.

YEAH, AND IT ALL TURNED OUT TO BE HARMLESS FUN.

FREE GUM.

GET YOUR FREE GUM, RIGHT HERE.

WELL, THIS SURPRISE PARTY WORKED OUT GREAT.

YEAH, NOW THAT WE GOT MARTY'S GUARD DOWN

WE CAN GET HIM IN THREE WEEKS AT THE CONVENTION.

I'M READING YOU LOUD AND CLEAR.

THAT'S WHEN MARTY REALLY GETS IT.

( both laughing )

ARNOLD, DID YOU HEAR THAT?

I SURE DID.

MAYBE WE BETTER INVESTIGATE.

LET'S GO.

Mr. Simmons: THIS REPORT

ON PRESIDENT LINCOLN

DESERVES A SPECIAL PLACE ON THE BOARD.

LET ME GUESS.

IT'S ANOTHER MONUMENT OF PERFECTION

BY PHOEBE HEYERDAHL.

THE AUTHOR IS OUR VERY OWN SHEENA.

( gasps )

OH, MY!

SHEENA, STAND AND TAKE A BOW.

( class cheers )

CAN IT BE YOU'RE SLIPPING?

I FIND IT DEEPLY GRATIFYING

WHEN MY CONTEMPORARIES ACHIEVE SUCCESS.

DON'T GIVE ME THAT.

YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE THE BEST AT EVERYTHING.

I'M HAPPY TO ANNOUNCE CITIZENS OF THE MONTH...

PHOEBE, PHOEBE AND...

PHOEBE?

...GERALD, NADINE AND HAROLD.

( cheering )

NOW, I'M VERY EXCITED ABOUT

OUR NEXT PROJECT... THE POETRY CONTEST!

( all groan )

THE AUTHOR OF THE BEST POEM

WILL TAKE HOME THIS LIFELIKE TROPHY

OF EMILY DICKINSON.

I MUST WIN THIS CONTEST, HELGA.

HAH! YOU BETTER SPILL YOUR GUTS ON THE PAGE

IF YOU WANT TO GET THE PRIZE.

"THE SUN SETS IN THE WEST."

NO, THAT WON'T DO.

"THE EARTH... "

WELL, LOGICALLY, THE EARTH SPINS OUT IN SPACE.

OH, OF COURSE!

I'LL DEVELOP THIS THEME IN DEPTH.

"THE CLOUDS GATHER WATER TO RAIN ALL OVER THE PLACE."

NO, THAT ISN'T IT, EITHER.

Helga: I STINK!

I'M NO GOOD.

I DON'T HAVE ANY MORE POEMS INSIDE OF ME.

I'M DESPERATELY LOOKING FOR SOMETHING

BUT THERE'S NOTHING.

"COWLICKS, LIKE FIELDS OF YELLOW CORN.

"ALL THE DAYS OF MY WEEK

"I WRITE THE NAME I DARE NOT SPEAK.

"THE BOY WITH THE CORNFLOWER HAIR.

MY BELOVED, AND MY DESPAIR."

( swoons )

THAT'S A KEEPER.

"TO RAIN ON THE PLACE."

"TO RAIN OVER THE PLACE."

( whimpers )

THAT'S TERRIBLE!

HMM, MAYBE IF I START WITH THIS POEM AS A GUIDE

I CAN WRITE SOMETHING GOOD.

"I HEAR YOUR NAME LIKE A BELL

RINGING, RINGING IN MY HEART."

( sighs )

I CAN'T POSSIBLY WRITE A POEM THIS GOOD.

BUT I HAVE TO WIN.

I HAVE TO BE THE BEST.

"I HEAR YOUR NAME

"LIKE A BELL..

( door creaks, footsteps )

( door closes )

Mr. Simmons: "I HEAR YOUR NAME

LIKE A BELL, RINGING, RINGING IN MY HEART."

OH! FIRST PLACE IN THE POETRY CONTEST

GOES TO MISS PHOEBE HEYERDAHL.

( cheering )

THANK YOU, PHOEBE, FOR BRINGING

THAT MOMENT OF BEAUTY INTO ALL OF OUR LIVES.

YOU THINK UP ALL THEM

PRETTY WORDS YOURSELF?

THAT'S HARD TO BELIEVE.

THE SECOND PLACE WINNER

IS A POET WHO CHOOSES TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS.

"ALL THE DAYS OF MY WEEK

"I WRITE THE NAME I DARE NOT SPEAK.

THE BOY WITH THE CORNFLOWER HAIR..."

HELGA, YOU'RE SLIDING DOWN IN YOUR CHAIR

LIKE IT WAS YOUR POEM OR SOMETHING.

BE QUIET, YOU IDIOT!

WELL, YOU ARE.

( bell rings )

AND NOW, A TOAST.

( speaking Japanese )

PHOEBE, YOUR MOTHER AND I ARE BOTH PROUD

OF YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENT. KANPAI.

BOTTOMS UP!

MOTHER, FATHER, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME

I'D LIKE TO GO TO BED NOW.

I'M TIRED FROM ALL THE EXCITEMENT.

PHOEBE, DEAREST, YOUR TROPHY.

IT DESERVES A PLACE OF HONOR IN YOUR ROOM.

THANK YOU, FATHER.

GOOD NIGHT.

IT'S NOT AS THOUGH I CHEAT ALL THE TIME.

AND I KNOW MORE ABOUT POETRY THAN THE OTHER KIDS.

THAT'S ALMOST LIKE BEING THE BEST POET.

STOP LOOKING AT ME!

IT'S RUDE TO STARE!

( whimpering, moaning )

GOOD NIGHT, LITTLE POETESS.

( car starting )

( screams )

YOU'RE A STUPID TROPHY, REALLY.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I WANTED YOU TO BEGIN WITH.

THAT POEM WAS ROTTING AWAY.

I RESCUED IT!

SO, I ENDED UP WRITING QUITE A FEW POEMS FOR THE CONTEST.

VERY BAD POEMS, ACTUALLY.

WELL, THAT'S PART OF THE CREATIVE PROCESS.

NO, THAT'S NOT IT.

SEE, I JUST WANTED SO MUCH TO WIN.

AND THE ONLY WAY I COULD WIN FOR SURE WAS TO...

SIMMONS, I NEED HELP WITH THURSDAY'S OPEN HOUSE--

REACHING OUT TO YOUNG PEOPLE IN FRONT OF THEIR PARENTS.

YOU COULD START WITH A STUDENT FROM EACH CLASS

DOING A READING.

PHOEBE HERE IS OUR POET LAUREATE

WROTE A WONDERFUL POEM.

IS THAT TRUE, YOUNG LADY?

DID YOU REALLY WRITE A WONDERFUL POEM?

OH, SIR, I-I CAN'T WRITE.

NONSENSE. WE'RE PROUD OF OUR MULTI-CULTURAL

STUDENTS AT P.S. 118.

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

KENTUCKY, SIR.

WELL, PHOEBE

LET'S MAKE KEN-TUCKAI PROUD ON THURSDAY

WITH A PRIZE-WINNING POEM.

( shuts door )

( swords clanking together )

( Phoebe grunting )

PHOEBE, YOU'RE MOVING LIKE AN ANGRY WIND TONIGHT.

( grunting, yelping )

TOUCHE.

NO! NO, I CONTEST THAT.

I'M CERTAIN I MADE CONTACT.

I AM CERTAIN YOU DID NOT.

AH, THEN I MUST BE MISTAKEN.

I KNOW FULL WELL HOW HONEST YOU ARE

LITTLE TREASURE.

I DO NOT DOUBT YOU FOR A MOMENT.

WHY IS EVERYONE PICKING ON ME?

( clangs loudly )

( water running )

PHOEBE, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, SUGAR?

I'M FINE, MOTHER.

YOU SEEM A LITTLE... PREOCCUPIED, HONEY.

IS SOMETHING BOTHERING YOU?

NO, MOTHER, EVERYTHING'S FINE.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.

( thunder booming )

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

WELL, IF IT ISN'T LITTLE MISS SMARTY-PANTS.

INANIMATE OBJECT!

YOU CAN'T TALK!

AND YOU CAN'T WRITE POETRY.

I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

( very low ): CHEATER.

( lower ): CHEATER...

CHEATER.

( screams )

( shattering )

( thunderclap )

IT'S OVER, EMILY.

I'LL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR YOUR NAGGING

SCOLDING VOICE AGAIN.

OH, PHOEBE, YOU'RE SO NAIVE.

Child: WHEE!

( clanging )

HEY, LOOK! PART OF PHOEBE'S TROPHY.

SHE'S PROBABLY LOOKING FOR IT RIGHT NOW.

MAYBE WE BETTER BRING IT BACK TO HER.

A POPSICLE, PLEASE.

( humming merrily... )

( thunderclap )

( screams )

HOW DID YOU GET HERE?!

SO YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD GET

RID OF ME JUST LIKE THAT?

YOU DIDN'T DO THE HARD WORK YOU'RE CAPABLE OF.

YOU STOLE A POEM AND CALLED YOURSELF A POET.

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEARCHED DEEP INSIDE YOURSELF

LIKE ALL REAL POETS DO.

PLEASE GO AWAY.

I KNOW I DIDN'T EARN YOU.

AND NOW IT MAKES ME SICK TO LOOK AT YOU!

I HATE YOU, SCARY LITTLE STATUE!

( knocking )

WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE?

NOTHING, MOTHER.

NOW I'M LYING TO MOTHER AGAIN BECAUSE OF YOU--

LYING AND CHEATING.

( loud thunderclap )

WHAT AM I SAYING?

I'VE DONE THIS TO MYSELF.

BUT NO MORE.

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?

BE QUIET.

WILL I NEED A SWEATER?

( Principal Wartz talking... )

Phoebe: IT WASN'T MINE-- I COPIED IT OUT OF A BOOK.

I JUST WANTED SO MUCH TO WIN.

I SEE.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE SERIOUSNESS

OF WHAT YOU DID, PHOEBE?

YES, SIR.

IT WAS TERRIBLE.

WHY WAS THE CONTEST THAT IMPORTANT TO YOU?

I'M USED TO BEING THE BEST, SIR.

THAT'S WHO I AM.

ISN'T THERE A LOT MORE TO PHOEBE HEYERDAHL

THAN ALWAYS BEING THE BEST AT AWARDS?

I... I-I REALLY DON'T KNOW, SIR.

WELL, I'M SURE OF IT.

BUT NEEDING TO BE THE BEST

AND HOW YOU FEEL WHEN YOU DON'T WIN...

I WANT YOU TO WRITE A POEM ABOUT THAT.

MEANTIME, WE STILL NEED A READING

FOR THE OPEN HOUSE.

REMEMBER, LOST AND FOUND WILL NOT BE RESPONSIBLE

FOR ANY MORE JACKETS, COATS...

WHAT A WINDBAG.

ANOTHER MINUTE OF THIS

AND I'LL BE ASLEEP IN MY CHAIR.

( feedback on microphone )

WITHOUT FURTHER ADO

I INTRODUCE MISS PHOEBE HEYERDAHL

WITH A POETRY READING BY ANONYMOUS.

( applause )

THIS WAS THE BEST POEM IN OUR CLASS.

( clears throat )

"ALL THE DAYS OF MY WEEK

"I WRITE THE NAME I DARE NOT SPEAK.

"THE BOY WITH THE CORNFLOWER HAIR

MY BELOVED, AND MY DESPAIR."

( applause... )

POOR HELGA.

SHE'S BEEN SHOT THROUGH THE HEART

BY A PRETTY POEM.

[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and NICKELODEON