Original subtitles

Helga: ARNOLD!

( barking )

HEY, ARNOLD!

( glass shatters )

( girl shrieks )

Helga: HEY, ARNOLD!

ARNOLD!

ARNOLD!

ARNOLD!

[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and NICKELODEON]

AR-NOLD!

MOVE IT, FOOTBALL HEAD!

Kids: HEY, ARNOLD!

Mr. Simmons: YES, CLASS, SCIENCE HAS COME A LONG WAY SINCE CENTURIES AGO

WHEN PRIMITIVE MEDICINE INVOLVED BLOOD-LETTING

AND THE PLACEMENT OF LEECHES ON THE PATIENTS' BODIES

IN ORDER TO CURE THE ILLS OF THE HUMAN RACE.

DISEASES DEBUNKED BY MODERN SCIENCE

ARE LUPUS ORIOLOLUS

IN WHICH THE VICTIM'S EARS GREW UNCONTROLLABLY

UNTIL THEY RESEMBLED A RABBIT.

PROBABLY THE MOST RIDICULOUS WAS MONKEY NUCLEOSIS

IN WHICH THE VICTIM

AFTER COMING IN CONTACT WITH AN INFECTED MONKEY

DEVELOPED MONKEY-LIKE CHARACTERISTICS.

WHAT A BUNCH OF TWADDLE.

EARLY PHYSICIANS BELIEVED

A MERE SCRATCH OR TOUCH FROM A MONKEY

WOULD CAUSE THE VICTIM TO CONTRACT THE DREADED DISEASE

LEADING TO SWEATING, FEVER AND, EVENTUALLY, EXPIRATION.

Helga: MONKEY NUCLEOSIS, WHAT A CROCK!

HELGA, EARLY SCIENTISTS OFTEN STRUGGLED

WITH BOLD, UNSUBSTANTIATED, THEORIES

SEEKING TO EXPLAIN MAN'S PURPOSE

DURING HIS MYSTERIOUS AND TOO-SHORT SOJOURN.

PHOEBE, YOU REALLY OUGHT TO GET OUT MORE.

STILL, IT DOES MAKE YOU THINK.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU THOUGHT

YOU ONLY HAD A FEW DAYS TO LIVE?

PERSONALLY, I'D PROBABLY

STUFF MY FACE FULL OF ICE CREAM

SKIP SCHOOL AND GO AROUND GOOFING ON PEOPLE.

HMM, THAT'S DEEP, HELGA.

WELL, SEE YOU TOMORROW.

( grunts )

ARNOLD!

OH, SORRY, HELGA.

I MEAN, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, FOOTBALL HEAD!

WHAT A KLUTZ, SHEESH!

( lovelorn sigh )

ARNOLD, MY LOVE

THOUGH I SHUN YOU IN PUBLIC

BERATING AND INSULTING YOU

'TIS ONLY TO HIDE MY TRUE FEELINGS OF LOVE AND ADORATION.

OH, WHEN WILL I FIND THE STRENGTH TO EXPRESS

MY STRANGE BUT NEARLY UNCONTROLLABLE

AFFECTIONS FOR YOU?

HOPEFULLY NOT TODAY OR TOMORROW

BECAUSE IT WOULD BE EMBARRASSING AND HUMILIATING

BUT PERHAPS SOME DAY IN THE DISTANT FUTURE.

YES, SOME DAY.

( nasal breathing )

( shattering glass )

( laughing and talking )

WHAT'S GOING ON?

IT'S A WONDERFUL ORGAN GRINDER

AND HIS BEAUTIFUL, DANCING MONKEY.

OH, YEAH?

STEP ASIDE, SISTER.

( organ music playing )

( laughing and talking )

DOESN'T HE DO ANYTHING ELSE?

( coins rattling )

( laughter )

YUCK, HE SLOBBERED OVER ME!

I'M SO SORRY, LITTLE GIRL.

MY MONKEY, HE'S VERY EMOTIONAL!

YEAH, WELL, YOU OUGHT TO KEEP THAT THING ON A LEASH!

( laughing )

OH, THAT JUGHEAD!

CAN'T HE SEE THAT VERONICA

HAS ABSOLUTELY NO INTEREST IN HIM WHATSOEVER?

( laughing )

MAN, MY ARM ITCHES.

STUPID MONKEY.

GEE, IT LOOKS KIND OF RED AND PUFFY.

Mr. Simmons: A MERE SCRATCH OR A TOUCH FROM A MONKEY

WOULD CAUSE THE VICTIM TO CONTRACT THE DREADED DISEASE.

( snorts )

MONKEY NUCLEOSIS, YEAH, RIGHT.

LIKE I'M REALLY GOING TO TURN INTO A MONKEY.

( laughs )

( screams )

GEE, MAYBE I BETTER CHECK THIS THING OUT.

FABLED DISEASES OF OLD

LONG SINCE DEBUNKED BY MODERN SCIENCE-- EUREKA!

MONKEY NUCLEOSIS, MONKEY NUCLEOSIS... AHA!

"SCIENTIFICALLY IMPLAUSIBLE

"SYMPTOMS OF THIS AFFLICTION INCLUDE:

ONE-- ITCHING AND PUFFINESS...?"

I'VE GOT THAT!

"TWO-- SWEATY PALMS..." PHEW.

"THREE-- LOSS OF APPETITE, FOUR-- IRRITABILITY

AND FINALLY... EXPIRATION?!"

WELL, AT LEAST I'VE ONLY GOT ONE OF THE SYMPTOMS.

( gasps )

SWEATY PALMS-- THE SECOND SYMPTOM!

Man: EXTRA, CITY ZOO GETS NEW MONKEY CAGES!

Woman: HEY, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, YOU BIG APE!

Man 2: I TOLD YOU NOT A SOCKET WRENCH, A MONKEY WRENCH!

A MONKEY WRENCH!

HELGA, WHY AREN'T YOU EATING?

I JUST DON'T HAVE ANY APPETITE.

NO APPETITE?

OH, I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT.

SHE'S A GROWING GIRL, MIRIAM.

"LOSS OF APPETITE..." THE THIRD SYMPTOM!

DON'T READ AT THE DINNER TABLE!

WHAT IS THIS ANYWAY?

"MONKEY NUCLEOSIS."

OH, YEAH, I THINK I HEARD OF THAT.

SOME CRAZY, OLD MADE-UP DISEASE

TURNS YOU INTO A MONKEY.

THINK IT'S REAL, DAD?

I'M A BEEPER SALESMAN, NOT A SCIENTIST.

BIG BOB, HERE.

( yelling on phone )

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THE BEEPERS DON'T WORK?

HEY, HEY, HEY, YOU SIGNED A NON-REFUNDABLE CONTRACT.

THE INK'S DRY, THAT'S IT.

Phoebe: IT DOES MAKE YOU THINK.

WHAT WOULD DO IF YOU THOUGHT YOU ONLY HAD A FEW DAYS TO LIVE?

Man: RESPECTED COLLEAGUES

PLEASE DO NOT BE SHOCKED

BY WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE.

SHE IS THE RESULT OF A STRANGE

AND LONG SINCE DEBUNKED

BUT NEVERTHELESS DEBILITATING DISEASE--

HALF HUMAN, HALF MONKEY.

LOOK!

( all gasp )

GOSH!

SHE'S AN ANIMAL!

SHE'S AN ANIMAL!

I'M NOT AN ANIMAL!

I'M A GIRL!

NO, WAIT!

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

YOU CAN'T SURVIVE OUT THERE!

( screaming )

( screams )

ARNOLD!

ARNOLD, WAIT!

SORRY, I, UH... DO I KNOW YOU?

IT'S ME, HELGA!

THERE'S SOMETHING

I HAVE TO TELL YOU, ARNOLD.

I... I LOVE YOU.

I NEVER HAD

THE GUTS TO TELL YOU.

BUT YOU'RE NOT HELGA.

YOU'RE A... A MONKEY.

A MONKEY GIRL.

ARNOLD... I LOVE YOU!

( crying hysterically )

THERE YOU ARE, MY LITTLE MONKEY.

WHERE YOU BEEN, EH?

HUH? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

COME, COME.

THE PEOPLE, THEY WAITING, EH?

DON'T WORRY, MY LITTLE MONKEY.

EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT.

( eerie organ grinder music playing )

CAN'T SHE DO ANYTHING ELSE?

( gasps )

OH... "ITCHING, SWEATY PALMS"

"LOSS OF APPETITE"-- YEP.

"IRRITABILITY."

WELL, AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE THAT YET.

( rings )

HELLO?

IT'S ME, PHOEBE.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT

NO, I DON'T KNOW WHAT

our math assignment was!

HEY, HELGA.

You don't have to be

so irritable about it.

( gasps ) "IRRITABILITY"!

THE FOURTH SYMPTOM.

THAT ONLY LEAVES THE FINAL STAGE.

( snivels )

"EXPIRATION."

PHOEBE, AS MY BEST FRIEND THERE'S SOMETHING

I NEED YOU TO DO FOR ME.

WHAT'S THE DEAL, ARNOLD?

WHY DID PHOEBE ASK US HERE TODAY?

I DON'T KNOW, STINKY.

WE'LL FIND OUT SOON ENOUGH.

Helga: DEAR, SWEET PHOEBE.

I WANT YOU TO HAVE ALL MY BOOKS.

USE THEM WELL.

BUT, HELGA, I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

WHY ARE YOU GIVING AWAY ALL YOUR THINGS?

DON'T ASK, JUST PROMISE ME

YOU'LL STAY AS INNOCENT AS YOU ARE NOW.

ARE YOU MOVING?

IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT?

NO.

NO, THAT ISN'T IT.

BUT... THERE ISN'T MUCH TIME.

JUST TAKE MY BOOKS AND GO.

ASK HAROLD TO COME IN NEXT.

OH, I ALMOST FORGOT.

COULD YOU RETURN THIS BOOK

TO THE LIBRARY FOR ME?

MAYBE IT'LL HELP SOME OTHER KID

EVEN IF IT'S... ( sniffs )

TOO LATE FOR ME.

FAREWELL, FRIEND.

"MONKEY NUCLEOSIS"?

HMM.

OH, ARNOLD, MY LOVE.

NOW THAT I'M PRACTICALLY EXPIRED

NOTHING HOLDS ME FROM EXPRESSING MY DEEPEST, DARKEST SECRET.

THE SECRET OF WHICH I'VE SO LONG HARBORED.

THIS IS SURE IS A RIGHT KEEN PADDLE BALL.

AND HELGA GIVE IT TO ME SPECIAL.

I GUESS YOU'RE THE LAST ONE, ARNOLD.

AND SHE GAVE ME ALL THESE GOOFY

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS DRESSES.

THE WHOLE THING IS CRAZY.

Helga: AND SO, ARNOLD...

NOW THAT I'M ABOUT TO... GO

I... GUESS I MIGHT AS WELL TELL YOU...

TELL ME WHAT?

ALL THESE PAST YEARS

WHILE I'VE BERATED YOU

AND CALLED YOU NAMES LIKE

"FOOTBALL HEAD" AND "HAIR BOY" AND...

HELGA, WHAT'S YOUR POINT?

MY POINT IS THAT I REALLY DON'T HATE YOU, ARNOLD.

IN FACT, QUITE THE CONTRARY.

IN THE PIT OF MY HEART, IN THE DEPTHS OF MY SOUL

I TRULY LOVE...

Phoebe: HELGA, WAIT!

YOU'VE GOT EVERYTHING ALL WRONG!

HUH?

YOU DON'T HAVE MONKEY NUCLEOSIS!

HELGA, CONTACT WITH A MONKEY

ISN'T REALLY DANGEROUS.

THE MOST YOU COULD GET

IS A MINOR SKIN IRRITATION.

I'M NOT GOING TO EXPIRE?

NO, OF COURSE NOT!

THE WHOLE IDEA IS SIMPLY RIDICULOUS.

Helga: THAT'S GREAT!

I'M NOT GOING TO EXPIRE!

YES!

I'M GLAD EVERYTHING'S OKAY.

BUT WHAT WERE YOU

GOING TO SAY?

UH, NOTHING.

I WAS, UM, I WAS DELIRIOUS.

WHAT WOULD I WANT TO SAY

TO A FOOTBALL HEAD

LIKE YOU?

UH... WAIT A SEC.

YEAH?

UM, I JUST, WELL

I, I WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT...

WELL...

I THINK YOU'RE... OKAY.

I MEAN, YOU'RE AN OKAY GUY

AND I JUST THINK YOU'RE... OKAY.

THANKS, HELGA.

YOU'RE OKAY, TOO.

HE THINKS I'M OKAY!

AND HE TOUCHED ME!

AND I'M NOT A MONKEY!

SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

I DON'T KNOW. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

WE COULD GO TO THE RIVER AND THROW ROCKS.

PHOEBE, HOLD MY WORMS FOR A SEC.

WELL, WELL, WELL.

IF IT ISN'T FOOTBALL HEAD

AND TALL HAIR BOY.

HEY, HELGA.

WHY THE FISHING GEAR?

WHAT, ARE YOU BLIND?

THERE'S A CONTEST SATURDAY.

READ THE SIGN. DOY.

"FISHING CONTEST."

"CELEBRATING THE CLEAN- UP OF CITY LAKE."

DO YOU REALLY THINK FISH CAN SURVIVE IN CITY LAKE?

YOU BET.

I'LL CATCH THE BIGGEST ONE.

WHAT? YOU MEAN BIG CAESAR?

NO, I DON'T MEAN BIG CAESAR.

HE'S ONLY A MYTH, AN URBAN LEGEND.

OOH, I LOVE URBAN LEGENDS.

THE LEGEND

OF BIG CAESAR IS AS OLD

AS THE ROTTING TIRES AT THE BOTTOM OF CITY LAKE.

AND OUR GERALD IS THE KEEPER OF THE TALE.

TAKE IT, GERALD.

IN THE BEGINNING

WHEN DINOSAURS RULED THE EARTH

WHEN THE VERY GROUND WE STAND UPON

WAS A VAST PRIMORDIAL SEA...

( gurgling )

THERE SWAM ONE MIGHTIEST OF FISH.

MANY PEOPLE CALLED HIM BY MANY NAMES.

BUT THE ANCIENT ROMANS CALLED HIM

"BIG CAESAR."

LIKE ROMANS AND DINOSAURS

OCCUPY THE SAME TIME PERIOD.

AS THE HUGE TECTONIC PLATES OF THE CONTINENTS COLLIDED...

( exploding )

AND NEW-FOUNDED MOUNTAINS

REARED UP TO THE CLOUDS

THE PRIMORDIAL SEA BEGAN TO SHRINK.

AND THE WATERY HABITAT UNTO WHICH WAS BIG CAESAR'S

SHRANK AS WELL.

HE CAME TO BE TRAPPED

IN WHAT IS NOW OUR OWN CITY LAKE

SURROUNDED BY THE HIDEOUS WORKS OF MAN

WHERE UNTO THIS VERY DAY, HE SLUMBERS, BIDING HIS TIME

WAITING FOR ANOTHER CONTINENTAL SHIFT THAT WILL ALLOW HIM

TO SWIM FREE ONCE AGAIN.

THE END.

POPPYCOCK.

I'VE HEARD SOME TALL TALES OUT OF YOU

BUT THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE.

IT COULD HAPPEN, HELGA

A PREHISTORIC FISH IN CITY LAKE.

YEAH, RIGHT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

AND WE'LL CATCH HIM!

IN YOUR DREAMS, LOSERS.

COME ON, PHOEBE.

WE'VE GOT SOME REAL FISH TO CATCH.

Grandpa: WHAT YOU WORKING ON, SHORT MAN?

MOUSETRAP?

NUCLEAR SUBMARINE?

NO, GRANDPA, IT'S A FISHING POLE.

WE'RE GOING TO CATCH BIG CAESAR.

BIG CAESAR?! YOU'RE GOING AFTER BIG CAESAR?

YOU'LL NEED SOMETHING MORE STURDY THAN THAT.

( crashing )

COME ON, BOYS.

TIME I SHOWED YOU

THE FISHING ROOM.

FISHING ROOM?

YOU HAVE A FISHING ROOM?

HERE. THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.

GRANDPA, HOW COME YOU NEVER TOLD ME

ABOUT THIS ROOM BEFORE?

YOU WEREN'T READY.

THERE COMES A TIME

IN EVERY YOUNGSTER'S LIFE

WHEN HE'S OLD ENOUGH TO TAKE ON BIG CAESAR.

AND YOU BOYS... AREN'T READY

BUT I'M TIRED OF WAITING.

SAW HIM MYSELF ONCE.

I WAS OUT ON THE MURKIEST CORNER OF CITY LAKE

ON A FOGGY DAWN IN OCTOBER...

I'D BEEN TROLLING FOR CARP AND BIG-MOUTH BASS

SINCE MIDNIGHT, BUT NO LUCK.

THOUGHT ABOUT TURNING IN

AND THEN DECIDED TO PUT ON THE BIG LURE

THE MACGREGOR TWIN SPOON.

( reel buzzing )

NO SOONER HAD I CAST IT OUT...

( gasps )

I GOT A BITE

FELT LIKE TO PULL MY ARMS OUT OF MY SOCKETS!

ALL 900 FEET OF MY 12 POUND TEST

UNSPOOLED SO FAST

THE WHEEL ABOUT CAUGHT ON FIRE.

I PULLED UP FAST AND HUNG ON.

SOMETHING DRAGGED ME BACK AND FORTH ACROSS THE LAKE.

FINALLY, HE BREACHED.

AND I GOT A LOOK AT HIM

TWO FATHOMS LONG!

THE MIGHTIEST OF FISH!

SCALES LIKE ARMOR!

( Caesar growling )

GLEAMING BLACK SPIKES ALONG HIS BACK!

EYES LIKE FIERY EMBERS!

HE SNAPPED THE LINE AND SPAT

THE MACGREGOR TWIN SPOON BACK IN THE BOAT.

I TRIED TO GAFF HIM

BUT IT SNAPPED RIGHT OFF

UNDER HIS LEFT FIN...

AND WAS NEVER SEEN AGAIN...

LEAST AS FAR AS I KNOW.

WOW!

I'LL PUT 20 POUND TEST

ON YOUR REEL THIS TIME.

SEE IF THAT WORKS.

TIME'S A-WASTING, BOYS!

I GOT TO TEACH YOU TO CAST!

( reel buzzing )

( splashing )

( reel creaking )

( reel buzzing )

( people talking )

Gerald: SOLD OUT?!

WE SHOULD HAVE COME EARLIER.

HEY, GERALD?

NO WAY, ARNOLD!

THERE'S NO WAY WE'RE FISHING IN A SWAN BOAT!

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE FISHING IN A SWAN BOAT!

DON'T WORRY, IT'S STILL FOGGY.

MAYBE NO ONE WILL SEE US.

HEY, ARNOLD.

NICE BOAT.

GOING AFTER BIG CAESAR?

YUP.

SEE YOU AROUND.

PHOEBE AND I ARE GOING AFTER

FISH THAT ACTUALLY EXIST.

BAIT ME, PHOEBE.

Arnold: LET'S GET OUT OF HERE

BEFORE ANYONE ELSE SEES US.

HEY, AR-NOLD!

NO REAL FISH WOULD EVER COME NEAR THAT STUPID DUCK BOAT!

YOU AREN'T EXACTLY

PULLING THEM IN YOURSELF, BIG BOY.

OH, WE'RE GETTING A BIG ONE, ALL RIGHT!

STINKY SAW IT IN A VISION.

I SAW IT IN A DREAM.

THERE WE WERE, WINNING THE PRIZE.

HE'S PSYCHO.

DON'T YOU MEAN PSYCHIC?

SHH. I NEED COMPLETE SILENCE.

I HAVE TO CONCENTRATE.

ARNOLD, WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?

YEAH, WE GOT

BIGGER FISH TO FRY.

GOOD LUCK CATCHING BIG CAESAR.

YOU'LL SEE.

( birds calling )

WELL, HERE GOES.

( reel buzzing )

( splashing )

( reel buzzing )

HEY, ARNOLD, YOU THINK

YOUR GRANDPA REALLY EVER SAW BIG CAESAR?

I DON'T KNOW.

HE HAS BEEN KNOWN

TO STRETCH THE TRUTH.

AND THEN, HE OPENED UP HIS MIGHTY JOWLS

AND SWALLOWED ME WHOLE.

( squawking like a parrot ) MAKING IT UP, MAKING IT UP!

WILL YOU STOP THAT?

I'M NOT MAKING IT UP!

WELL, MAYBE I AM MAKING IT UP.

I'M 80 YEARS OLD, IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.

I COULD HAVE MADE UP

THE WHOLE THING.

IN FACT, MAYBE IT WASN'T ME AT ALL.

BUT HOW COME I HAVE ALL THIS FISHING GEAR?

WHAT ABOUT THIS ACTUAL PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE?

SIR, THIS IS A PHOTO

OF HEDY LAMARR.

EXACTLY. LET ME SEE THAT.

NO, REALLY, ARNOLD.

HOW DO YOU KNOW HE EXISTS?

GERALD, BIG CAESAR IS OUT HERE SOMEWHERE.

I KNOW IT. I BELIEVE IT.

THERE'S THREE THINGS I BELIEVE FOR SURE.

ONE, I'M GETTING HUNGRY.

TWO, OUR POLES ARE DOING NOTHING.

AND THREE

MY BUTT'S FALLING ASLEEP.

HEY, I GOT SOMETHING!

( cranking )

YOU'VE ALMOST GOT HIM.

BIG CAESAR!

MAN, HE WAS AWFULLY STRONG FOR SUCH A LITTLE GUY.

YOU KNOW, I HATE TO SAY THIS

MAYBE HELGA WAS RIGHT.

MAYBE THERE IS NO BIG CAESAR.

( buzzing )

( both groaning )

( grunting )

WHAT WAS THAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

( splashing )

WE NEED A BIGGER SWAN.

( rod snapping )

( reel cracking )

( grunts )

( screaming )

HOLD ON, I'VE GOT AN IDEA.

TIE THIS TO THE REEL.

NOW, IF WE PEDAL BACKWARDS, WE'LL REEL HIM IN.

( splashing )

WE REALLY CAUGHT BIG CAESAR!

WE REALLY GOT HIM!

WE REALLY CAUGHT BIG CAESAR!

WE REALLY GOT HIM!

NOW WE JUST GOT TO GET HIM HOME.

BOY, I WISH I HAD MY CAMERA.

NAH, THERE'LL BE PLENTY OF TIME FOR PICTURES.

HOW'S BIG "C" DOING?

GERALD?

WHAT?

LOOK AT HIM.

WHAT? I SEE HIM.

BIG CAESAR.

NO, GERALD.

REALLY. LOOK AT HIM.

WHOA, NO!

YOU'RE NOT THINKING

ABOUT LETTING HIM GO!

ARNOLD, ARE YOU CRAZY?

THIS IS HISTORY!

WE CAUGHT BIG CAESAR!

LOOK AT HIM.

HE'S ONE OF OUR URBAN LEGENDS.

DON'T YOU WANT TO BE RICH AND FAMOUS?

AW, MAN!

LET'S JUST DO IT QUICK

BEFORE I CHANGE MY MIND.

WAIT.

( crowd applauding, cheering )

THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR.

IT'S THE ONE I SAW

IN THE DREAM.

YEAH, STINKY'S PSYCHO!

STINKY'S A MORON.

IT WAS DUMB LUCK.

HEY, LOOK!

Helga: WELL, WELL, WELL.

IF IT ISN'T THE SKIPPER AND GILLIGAN.

SO, WHERE'S BIG CAESAR?

ANY LUCK OUT THERE, SHORT MAN?

YEAH. WE HOOKED HIM, GRANDPA.

AND THEN WE LET HIM GO.

OH, I FIXED YOUR GAFF. HERE.

NICE GOING, SHORT MAN.

SEE?

AND YOU THOUGHT

I WAS MAKING IT ALL UP!

I TOLD YOU I'M STILL SHARP AS A TACK.

( squawks )

MAKING IT UP, MAKING IT UP!

AND THAT BIRD ISN'T REAL!

( bird screeching )

Grandpa: WHO ARE YOU AGAIN?

Grandma: I'M CAPTAIN AHAB

SCOURGE OF THE SEVEN SEAS.

Grandpa: WHY DIDN'T I MARRY HEDY LAMARR

WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE?

Grandpa: MAKE THAT BIRD SHUT UP!

IT'S GOING TO BE A LONG NIGHT.

( squawking )

Grandma: WHY DO YOU INSIST

ON PICKING ON A BIRD, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE?

Grandpa: IF I WANT TO SEE A VENTRILOQUIST

I'LL GO DOWN TO THE NIGHTCLUB!

Grandma: I KNOW WHY

YOU DIDN'T MARRY HEDY LAMARR.

SHE WASN'T AVAILABLE.

Grandpa: DON'T BRING HER

INTO THIS!

Grandma: AND NOT AS CUTE AS I WAS...

AND STILL AM.

Grandpa: YOU GOT ME

ALL DISCOMBOBULATED HERE!

I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU...

[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and NICKELODEON