Original subtitles

Helga: ARNOLD!

( barking )

HEY, ARNOLD!

( glass shatters )

( girl shrieks )

Helga: HEY, ARNOLD!

ARNOLD!

ARNOLD!

ARNOLD!

[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and NICKELODEON]

AR-NOLD!

MOVE IT, FOOTBALL HEAD!

Kids: HEY, ARNOLD!

( explosion )

( sighs )

ONE DAY, MY SWEET

YOU'LL NOTICE ME BEHIND YOU

AND YOU'LL NEVER WANT US TO BE APART.

I'LL BE THE CENTER OF YOUR EVERY THOUGHT

YOUR EVERY ACTION!

SHH.

Man: SIT DOWN!

Woman: There he is again

FAWNING OVER THAT CHEAP TRAMP, BRITTANY.

MAYBE THIS WILL MAKE HIM JEALOUS.

COME HERE, ELLIOT.

MMM...

HMM, JEALOUS, EH?

THAT'S IT.

I NEED SOMEONE TO MAKE ARNOLD JEALOUS.

SOME SAP I CAN ORDER AROUND.

LIKE A BOYFRIEND, BUT WHO?

WHO'S THE PERFECT CHUMP?

Helga: LET ME PUT THIS IN TERMS YOU'LL UNDERSTAND.

I'M HIRING YOU TO BE MY BOYFRIEND.

YOU KNOW, BUY ME STUFF

WORSHIP THE GROUND I WALK ON.

I'LL PAY YOU A CANDY BAR A DAY.

WHY, HELGA, I HARDLY KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

I MEAN, I GUESS I FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE IN YOUR OWN WAY.

BUT I NEVER REALIZED THE EXTENT OF YOUR FEELINGS FOR ME.

OH, DON'T FLATTER YOURSELF, KID.

THIS IS A BUSINESS DEAL.

NOW, WHAT IT'S GOING TO BE? YES OR NO?

WELL, COULD YOU MAKE IT A MR. NUTTY CANDY BAR?

FINE.

HOT DANG.

OKAY, HELGA, YOU GOT YOURSELF A HIRED BOYFRIEND.

GOOD. I'LL KNOW YOU WHEN I NEED YOU.

WHOO-HOO!

Helga: PULL OUT MY CHAIR, AND WHEN I SNEEZE

GIVE ME THIS HANDKERCHIEF AND SAY

"BLESS YOU, DARLING" AND SAY STUFF LIKE

"YOU'RE SO CUTE WHEN YOU'RE MAD."

AND, "YOUR EYES ARE BIG POOLS

I CAN LOOK INTO FOREVER."

YOU KNOW, YA-DEE-YA BOYFRIEND STUFF

LIKE IN THE MOVIES.

THERE HE IS!

HELP ME INTO MY CHAIR.

OKEY-DOKEY, DARLING.

HELGA, MY PET, YOUR EYES ARE LIKE TWO MULES.

KNOCK IT OFF, STINKO.

HE'S GOING...

( sneezes )

HAVE A HANKIE, MY PET.

BLESS YOU, SWEET DARLING.

Helga: NOW THIS TIME

YOU BETTER NOT MESS UP.

UH, HELGA, DID I MENTION

THAT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SKATE?

WHOA!

IT'S ALWAYS ME, ME, ME.

CAN'T YOU THINK ABOUT ANYBODY ELSE FOR A CHANGE?

LET'S GO!

NOW, WHEN I SAY SO

YOU SKATE OUT HERE AND PICK ME UP.

OKAY, NOW!

( crowd cheering )

I CAN'T HOLD YOU, HELGA.

WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!

( all screaming )

( screaming )

CAN I HAVE MY MR. NUTTY NOW, DARLING?

PRETEND YOU'RE SAYING SOMETHING WITTY AND URBANE

AND, REMEMBER, YOU'RE MY ADORING BOYFRIEND.

GOT IT.

( laughing ): OH, STINKY, YOU SLAY ME!

I SAID, "STINKY

YOU SLAY ME!"

( laughing )

( bees buzzing )

HELP!

HELP!

HELP!

HELP!

HELP!

HEY, WASN'T THAT HELGA?

UH-HUH.

STINKY, THIS ISN'T WORKING OUT.

I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE.

EXCLUSIVELY.

HUH?

YOU'RE FIRED!

THE WHOLE THING'S KAPUT!

OVER! AM-SCRAY, BUCKO!

BUT HELGA...

SEE YOU IN THE FUNNY PAPERS, STINKY.

( sneezes )

BLESS YOU, MY SWEET DARLING.

THANKS.

HMM, I FEEL STRANGELY WISTFUL

AND I DON'T KNOW WHY.

( knocking )

Man: STINKY?

WHY DON'T YOU COME OUT

AND HAVE A NICE CHEESE SANDWICH?

I CAN'T, DAD.

I'M TOO FORLORN, MELANCHOLY

AND WISTFUL.

WELL, OKAY, I UNDERSTAND.

CAN I HAVE THE CHEESE SANDWICH?

PLEASE?

I DON'T CARE.

WHOO DOGGLES!

STINKY, ARE YOU OKAY?

( sniveling ): SURE.

I'M OKAY, JUST DANDY.

OH, ARNOLD, I'M ALL TORN UP INSIDE.

WHY, STINKY? WHAT HAPPENED?

( sobbing )

THERE'S THIS GIRL.

A GIRL YOU LIKE?

YEAH. AT FIRST I WAS JUST IN IT

FOR THE MR. NUTTY CANDY BARS.

BUT NOW I KNOW THE TRUTH.

I'M CRAZY IN LOVE WITH HER.

( sobbing ): JUST CRAZY IN LOVE.

THIS REALLY BITES.

GEE, STINKY, THAT'S TOO BAD.

WHO'S THE GIRL?

IF I TELL YOU, WILL YOU PROMISE NOT TO TELL ANYONE?

SURE.

OKAY.

( whispers ): HELGA PATAKI.

( shouts ): HELGA PATAKI!

( sobs )

I KNOW IT SEEMS STRANGE

BUT THE MORE I WAS AROUND HER

THE MORE I GOT TO KNOW THE WOMAN BEHIND THE MASK.

HELGA'S NOT JUST A SCREAMING BLOWHARD

WHO BOSSES ME AROUND.

SHE'S MUCH MORE THAN THAT.

( blowing nose )

THE WAY SHE HUFFS AND PUFFS ALL THE TIME

ON ACCOUNT OF STUFF BUGS HER.

THE WAY SHE CALLS ME STINKO.

OH, I COULD GO ON AND ON.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST TALK TO HER?

WHAT IF SHE STILL HATES ME?

OH, THE AGONY, OH, THE REJECTION!

I'LL DIE!

YOU WON'T DIE, STINKY.

NO, I WILL.

I'LL DIE.

LAY DOWN AND DIE

LIKE AN OLD DOG.

IT'S JUST NOT RIGHT

WALKING AROUND HOPELESSLY IN LOVE DAY AFTER DAY.

I KNOW.

YOU'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL TALK TO HER.

MY PLAN WORKED!

HE NOTICED ME!

HE CAN'T RESIST ME ANYMORE!

AT LAST, MY PRECIOUS!

DON'T EVER SNEAK UP ON ME LIKE THAT

YOU LITTLE WING-HAIRED SPITWAD!

SORRY. CAN I TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING?

WELL, THAT DEPENDS.

IS IT ABOUT... OH, SAY, SOMEONE WHO LIKES ME?

MAYBE A FRIEND?

HOW DID YOU KNOW?

YOU MIGHT SAY I HAVE AN UNCANNY ABILITY

TO READ PEOPLE.

IS THIS PER CHANCE

SOMEONE WHO HAS OFTEN YEARNED FOR MY AFFECTIONS

BUT DARES NOT SPEAK MY NAME ALOUD?

WOW.

YOU ARE GOOD.

AND I SUPPOSE THIS "FRIEND"

WANTS TO MEET ME SOMEWHERE

LIKE THE PARK, AT THE PINK BENCH NEAR THE STATUE?

JUST A SECOND.

IT'S A DEAL.

MY FRIEND WILL MEET YOU THERE AT 3:00, OKAY?

MMM... OKAY.

OH, ARNOLD, MY LOVE!

I COUNT THE MINUTES TILL WE MEET.

AND IT BETTER BE REAL SOON

OR I'LL POUND THE LITTLE RUBBERHEAD.

HEL... HELLO, HELGA.

OH, IT'S YOU, SMELLY.

LISTEN, BEAT IT.

I'M MEETING SOMEBODY HERE.

UH, YEAH, I KNOW.

IT'S ME.

YOU?

I'M THE BOY WHO LIKES YOU.

I THINK WE COULD BE REALLY GOOD TOGETHER.

BECAUSE... WELL...

I THINK I LOVE YOU.

YOU LOVE ME?

YOU LOVE ME?!

THAT IS SO WEIRD!

IT'S PATHETIC!

I CAN'T HELP IT.

I LOVE YOU.

HELGA, YOU'RE THE ONLY GIRL FOR ME.

LOOK, STINKY.

IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK.

NOT NOW, NOT EVER.

BUT WHY NOT?

BECAUSE I'M HELGA PATAKI

AND YOU...

WELL, YOU'RE STINKY.

GET THE PICTURE?

SORRY, STINKY.

YOU GAVE IT YOUR BEST SHOT.

YEAH.

I GUESS THE BEST THING TO DO

IS JUST TRY AND FORGET ABOUT HER.

YEAH, I RECKON YOU'RE RIGHT.

LISTEN, STINKY.

THERE ARE A LOT OF OTHER FISH IN THE SEA

IF YOU CATCH MY DRIFT.

I DON'T FOLLOW YOU, ARNOLD.

REMEMBER, I'M A SIMPLE BOY

AND YOU'RE TALKING IN RIDDLES.

WELL, LET ME TRY TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU...

( sighs )

OH, BROTHER, YOU AGAIN?

STINKY, HOW MANY TIMES

DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?

I HAVE NO INTEREST IN YOU.

YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A WORM

OR A LITTLE TOAD TO ME.

QUIT FOLLOWING ME AROUND!

BUT, HELGA...

I MEAN, YOU'RE JUST SAD.

AFTER ALL THIS TIME

YOU'RE STILL MOONING OVER ME?

BUT, HELGA...!

OKAY, OKAY, I GIVE UP.

MAYBE I'M GOING SOFT

BUT I JUST CAN'T STAND TO SEE YOU BEGGING.

I'LL DO YOU A FAVOR, I'LL LET YOU SIT WITH ME

BUT ONLY BECAUSE YOU'RE SO PITIFUL.

PARDON ME, MA'AM.

I DON'T MEAN TO BE IMPOLITE

BUT I BELIEVE YOU'RE IN MY SEAT.

HUH, WHO'S THE SKIRT?

THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU, HELGA.

I TOOK YOUR ADVICE.

I REALIZED MY FEELINGS FOR YOU

WERE IMMATURE AND MISBEGOTTEN.

IT SURE IS PITIFUL TO KEEP AFTER SOMEONE

WHO HAS NO ROMANTIC INTEREST IN YOU.

THAT WOULD BE A SAD AND SORRY STATE OF AFFAIRS, YOU KNOW?

AND THEN, I MET GLORIA.

GLORIA?

WHO'S GLORIA?

AHEM.

IT HAPPENED THE OTHER DAY

AT THE DRINKING FOUNTAIN.

I GUESS WE WERE JUST PLAIN SMITTEN.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

GLORIA?

( sighs )

( school bell rings)

Woman: GOOD MORNING.

I'M MISS FELTER

AND I'LL BE YOUR SUBSTITUTE TEACHER

FOR THE NEXT COUPLE OF WEEKS.

SO, LET'S GET STARTED.

OKAY...

WHO'S READY FOR A POP QUIZ

ON LONG DIVISION?

YOU LOOK COMPETENT.

YOUR NAME?

ARNOLD.

AH, I'M VERY PARTIAL TO THAT NAME.

GO UP TO THE BOARD, ARNOLD.

WHEN I SAY, "GO," START DIVIDING.

ON YOUR MARK...

GET SET... GO!

GOOD JOB, ARNOLD.

YOU DIVIDED AND CONQUERED.

KNOW-IT-ALL FOOTBALL-HEADED MATH BOY.

( snoring )

CAR!

HI, ARNOLD.

HI, MISS FELTER.

Gerald: HEY, ARNOLD! HEADS UP!

YOU ALL RIGHT, MAN?

I'M FINE, MISS FELTER.

YOU DON'T LOOK NOTHING LIKE MISS FELTER.

I'M SORRY ABOUT MY HOMEWORK.

OH, ARNOLD, I WAS ACTUALLY FLATTERED.

ARNOLD...

DO YOU LIKE MILKSHAKES?

THANKS.

HEY, GERALD.

( snickering )

WHAT? WHAT'S WRONG?

YOUR SHIRT.

YOU GOT IT ON BACKWARDS.

BACKWARDS?

UH, IT IS BACKWARDS.

I FEEL LIKE MY HEAD IS ON BACKWARDS.

YOUR HEAD'S ON CORRECTLY.

IT'S THE SHIRT.

AW, COME ON, ARNOLD.

( birds chirping )

WOW... LISTEN TO THE BIRDS!

( sighing )

OH, LOOK AT THE FLOWERS.

ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME SPEW?

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

COME ON, GERALD!

THAT'S HER CAR!

HI, MISS...

...FELTER.

MISS FELTER?

I THOUGHT IT WAS...

YOU RAN DOWN HERE

TO SAY HI TO OUR SUBSTITUTE TEACHER?

I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT HER.

LOOK AT MY HOMEWORK.

MM, MM, MM.

ARNOLD, YOU GOT THE DISEASE.

WHAT DISEASE?

YOU HAVE A CRUSH

ON OUR TEACHER.

I DO NOT.

IN FACT...

SHE HAS A CRUSH ON ME.

SHE CALLED ON ME--

CALLED ME UP TO THE BLACKBOARD.

RANDOM.

IF SHE CALLS ON YOU BY NAME TODAY

OR PICKS ON YOU SPECIAL, THEN MAYBE, JUST MAYBE

YOU MIGHT BE RIGHT.

BEFORE WE GO OVER MATH HOMEWORK

WE'LL START OUR SECTION ON POETRY.

ll groaning )

(

COME ON, EVERY ONE OF YOU MIGHT BE A POET

BUT YOU DON'T KNOW IT. ( laughs )

LET ME READ YOU A BEAUTIFUL POEM

WRITTEN OVER 100 YEARS AGO

BY MATTHEW ARNOLD.

MR. ARNOLD...

YOU SEE?

IS THERE A PROBLEM?

UH, NO.

IS THERE A PROBLEM?

UH, NO.

WHY DON'T YOU MOVE HERE BY ME

SO I CAN KEEP AN EYE ON YOU?

OOH, TEACHER'S PET.

"AH, LOVE...

"LET US BE TRUE TO ONE ANOTHER.

"FOR THE WORLD, WHICH SEEMS TO LIE BEFORE US

"LIKE A LAND OF DREAMS

"SO VARIOUS, SO BEAUTIFUL

SO ARNOLD."

ARNOLD, ARNOLD, ARNOLD, ARNOLD

ARNOLD, ARNOLD, ARNOLD...

ARNOLD, ARNOLD, ARNOLD.

ARNOLD?

HUH?

HEY, LISTEN TO THIS POEM.

MAN, I'M SICK

OF LISTENING TO YOUR POEMS.

WHY ARE YOU READING THEM ANYWAY?

OH, RIGHT.

YOUR CRUSH ON MISS FELTER.

I LIKE POETRY.

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HER.

GIVE IT UP, MAN.

IT'S HOPELESS.

LOOK, I'M HEADING IN.

YOU COMING?

I'LL BE THERE IN A MINUTE.

"BUT SOFT, WHAT LIGHT FROM YONDER WINDOW BREAKS?

"IT IS THE EAST

AND MISS FELTER IS THE SUN."

MAN! THAT'S IT, I'M PUKING.

( bell rings )

WELL, GUESS WHAT?

ON FRIDAY NIGHT

ARNOLD IS FINALLY COMING OVER.

I'M MAKING HIM DINNER.

I CAN'T WAIT TO BE ALONE WITH ARNOLD.

TOMORROW NIGHT IS THE FIRST TIME I'LL BE IN MY NEW APARTMENT

WITH MY FIANCE, ARNOLD SKELTER!

SHE SAID WHAT?

I SWEAR-- YOU, HER, FRIDAY NIGHT.

ME?

AND HER.

FRIDAY NIGHT? BUT...

YOU WERE RIGHT.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE CRAZY!

BUT, MAN, YOU READ HER LIKE A BOOK!

SHE HAS A MAJOR-LEAGUE CRUSH ON YOU.

"OH, I CAN'T WAIT TO BE ALONE WITH ARNOLD."

DID SHE REALLY SAY THAT?

SHE SAID IT, MAN.

IT'S THE REAL THING.

I HEARD IT WITH MY OWN TWO EARS.

HEARD WHAT WITH YOUR OWN TWO EARS, GERALDO?

NOTHING.

WE'VE GOT WORK TO DO.

WE DO?

HEY, WATCH THE MERCHANDISE.

RUNNING, ALWAYS RUNNING AWAY FROM ME.

OH, HOW I LONG TO MATCH ARNOLD'S STRIDE

RUN WITH HIM AS ONE

BREAK THE TAPE AT THE FINISH LINE OF LIFE AS MRS. ARNOLD...

WAIT, WHAT IS HIS LAST NAME?

Arnold: WHY DO I HAVE TO WEAR THIS?

BECAUSE THE CLOTHES MAKE THE MAN, MAN.

AND DURING A ROMANTIC DINNER

THERE ARE THREE PREDOMINANT FACTORS: MOOD, FOOD AND DUDS.

DUDS?

CLOTHES, VALENTINO.

NOW, WALK.

WALK?

LIKE, "WALK" WALK?

NO, NO, NO, WATCH.

IT'S ALL IN THE ATTITUDE, DUDE.

WHEN YOU WALK, YOU HAVE TO CONVEY

"YOU ARE ONE VERY SPECIAL MADEMOISELLE."

WHERE DO YOU GET THIS STUFF?

I'M A MAN OF THE WORLD, MY BROTHER.

PLUS I READ MY MOM'S MAGAZINES.

LISTEN UP.

THERE ARE THREE THINGS YOU HAVE TO WATCH OUT FOR

DURING A ROMANTIC TETE-A-TETE.

IF MISS FELTER DOES THESE THREE THINGS

SHE IS SERIOUS.

OKAY, THREE THINGS.

SHOOT.

NUMBER ONE:

IF SHE FOLDS THE NAPKINS

IN SOME SPECIAL WAY.

TWO: IF SHE PUTS ON SOME SAPPY MUSIC.

AND THREE: IF SHE LIGHTS CANDLES.

NAPKINS, MUSIC, LIGHTS CANDLES.

RIGHT, NOW LET'S SEE YOU DO THE WALK

AND SAY, "YOU SET ONE BEAUTIFUL TABLE, MY FAIR SENORITA."

R-R-R-R-R.

DO I HAVE TO PURR?

CHICKS DIG THE PURR.

IT CAN MAKE OR BREAK THE DATE.

( sighs )

"YOU SET A BEAUTIFUL TABLE, MY FAIR SENORITA."

R-R-R-R-R.

EXCELLENT! VERY SUAVE.

IN CASE OF TROUBLE:

I'LL BE OUTSIDE MISS FELTER'S APARTMENT

JUST A WALKIE-TALKIE CALL AWAY.

WHAT KIND OF TROUBLE?

WHEN YOU'RE DEALING WITH ROMANCE

TROUBLE IS ALWAYS CLOSE BY.

( doorbell chimes )

( door opens )

HI, MISS FELTER.

ARNOLD?

WHAT ARE YOU...?

AM I EARLY?

IS THIS A BAD TIME?

WELL, I'M A BIT SURPRISED.

I JUST WASN'T EXPECTING YOU...

SO SOON?

I KNEW I WAS EARLY. SORRY.

DO YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE AND THEN COME BACK?

WELL, I, UH...

OH, HERE!

OH, THIS IS SO SWEET OF YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

COME IN.

I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF COOKING.

HE'S A GONER.

YOU'RE LOOKING VERY HANDSOME TONIGHT.

I BAKED BREAD, I MADE A CAESAR SALAD

CHICKEN KIEV

AND A LEMON PIE.

WOW! YOU WENT TO A LOT OF TROUBLE.

WELL, IT'S KIND OF A SPECIAL NIGHT.

Man: We got a 159 on 13th Avenue, over.

UH, SOMETIMES MY PANTS, UM, THEY TALK.

OH...

REALLY?

WELL, I BETTER CHECK ON THE CHICKEN.

YOU SET A BEAUTIFUL TABLE, MY FAIR SENORITA.

MUCHAS GRACIAS.

AH, ENCHILADA.

I ALWAYS FORGET HOW TO FOLD THESE FANCY NAPKINS.

NAPKINS?

FANCY NAPKINS?

UH, CAN I USE YOUR BATHROOM, PLEASE?

GERALD?

HOW'S IT GOING?

DID YOU PURR?

I FORGOT.

MAN, YOU GOT TO PURR!

LOOK, I'M IN TROUBLE.

SHE'S MAKING A HUGE MEAL

AND JUST STARTED FOLDING NAPKINS.

OH, SHE'S ONE DETERMINED LADY.

BUT NO MUSIC YET?

NO MUSIC.

That's a good sign.

( drumbeats )

DO YOU HEAR THAT?

I sure do. It sounds like Bolero.

GERALD, WHAT DO I DO?

Felter: ARNOLD, ARE YOU OKAY?

YEAH, I'M FINE.

IT'S ALMOST DINNERTIME.

SHOULDN'T YOU BE HEADING...?

YOU SET A BEAUTIFUL TABLE, MY FAIR SENORITA.

R-R-R-R-R.

( laughs )

THANKS. I MUST MAKE

THE BEAUTIFUL TABLE COMPLETE.

GERALD, COME IN.

SHE'S LIGHTING THE CANDLES.

OH, MAN!

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

GO WITH THE FLOW.

DID YOU PURR?

GERALD, YOU'RE NOT HELPING.

YOU GOT ME INTO THIS SITUATION.

Me? You got the crush, man.

SHE HAS THE CRUSH.

GERALD, HELP ME!

( dog barking over walkie-talkie )

Go away, Beanie, shoo!

( doorbell chimes )

Felter: COMING.

ARNOLD, I WANT YOU TO MEET ARNOLD SKELTER.

HE'S MY FIANCE.

WE'RE GETTING MARRIED IN JUNE.

DARN GLAD TO MEET YOU, ARNOLD.

SO, YOU'RE ARNOLD.

THERE'S BEEN A BIT OF A MIX-UP HERE

HASN'T THERE?

YEAH, I GUESS THERE HAS.

I'M SORRY, I THOUGHT...

OH, ARNOLD.

I'M GLAD YOU CAME OVER.

I LIKE ARNOLDS.

YOU'RE A GOOD KID.

THANKS.

I BETTER GET HOME.

DON'T STOP BEING ARNOLD.

( barking )

Arnold Skelter: YOU SET A BEAUTIFUL TABLE, MY FAIR SENORITA.

( purring )

and NICKELODEON