Original subtitles

Boop. Bop.

Okay, I don't want to overstate this,

but these have to be the best wedding gift bags ever.

It's gonna be hard to beat Gwyneth Paltrow's wedding.

I heard they gave away beautiful charcoal drawings

of Gwyneth Paltrow. Ooh.

I can't believe Brooke's getting married.

We've never even met this Elliot guy.

I can't believe Jane and Alex have an older sister.

I mean, we never see her, never talk about her,

she never shows up in any of your flashbacks.

Flashbacks? That's what Jane and Alex call their photo albums.

God, Penny. Know what things are called for once.

Trust me, Brook is very real.

She has a perfect job in Hong Kong.

Her hair smells like a perfect beach made of cinnamon.

She is perfect.

And as maid of honor, I need this wedding to be...

Say it with me...

Perfect. Pearl Harbor.

Pearl Harbor! 'Cause we want this wedding to be da bomb! Nope.

Just like that Michael Bay movie "Armageddon."

What?

Jane, you're acting extra nuts, and I'm not talking about

"mistaking the teaspoon with the tablespoon" kinda nuts.

I'm talking about "Mel Gibson downing a 5-hour energy

"and by accident showing up at a bar mitzvah" kinda nuts.

Brooke makes Jane crazy. She out-Janes Jane.

She shows up, becomes the Jane,

Jane gets bumped down to Alex's level.

And I just stay the baby.

Look what Brooke got me so I wouldn't be jealous of her ring.

Oh, a little suck candy.

I'm just glad I got invited.

Like, I've known Brooke my whole life and looked up to her,

but I didn't know that she would remember me.

She doesn't. You and Max are my plus-twos

and you're gonna have to park some cars.

Jane!

Babe, everything's gonna be fine, all right?

I'll be right by your side.

I'll even let your racist cousins ask me

if I know Blair Underwood.

Like... Like all black people are friends are somethin'.

I mean, come on.

God, I wish I was friends with Blair Underwood.

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

My clay beads are ready!

How many of you cool cats wanna help me crank out

a few necklaces?

Oh! Oh, my goodness.

Yes, oh, my goodness.

I'm working with some polymers right...

Hey. What the...

Alex, I can see you hiding.

Can you still see me?

Yes. Even more now.

Fine!

Nice try, though.

So...

When are we gonna tell everybody about the thing?

What thing?

The thing about how we broke up.

Oh, right.

That thing.

Wow.

So this is really happening.

We're breaking up.

Yeah, when you say it out loud like that,

it just really sinks in.

Like when I found out Gossip Girl was a guy.

Totally.

So we both agree, we don't tell everyone

until after your sister's wedding, right?

Yeah, it would be too much of a distraction.

Plus, my family is so gossipy

and they always get the story wrong.

Remember that one time you said you like Sinead O'Connor,

and by the time it got back to us,

you were teaching Wicca at a women's college?

You were the only one that I told.

Exactly.

Strength, courage, composure, no carbs.

Strength, courage, composure, no carbs.

Uh-huh.

Here we go.

Hi, Brooke.

Jane. Oh!

Welcome to my home!

Thank you.

And you must be black... Elliot. Black Elliot?

Yes. That's just a nickname that we'll stop using immediately.

Thank you for having us to your home, Jane.

Have you been renovating? Hmm?

Because it looks like everything's covered with a thin layer of dust.

Oh! Ah.

Good catch. Yeah, I must've just cleaned thoroughly

instead of compulsively.

Brooke! Hello.

Gimme some love, girl. Nice to see you.

So good to see you.

And look what you brought home.

Mmm! Ah.

An Elliot.

- Hello, everyone. - Hi!

Ah. Finally, another Elliot.

Yeah.

I haven't hung out with another Elliot in, like, two years, man.

Mmm.

Uh-oh.

You know, he even smells like an Elliot.

Ah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, this is good. Hey, yo, E. Mmm?

Can I ask you a question, man?

What's up?

A little somethin' somethin'?

Please do.

What we be sayin' when they ain't around?

I said, I said...

What we be sayin' when they ain't around?

White people be crazy?

Yeah, they do!

Aah! I knew you gon' know!

They do be crazy, though!

Some do. Y'all do.

Yeah, let's get you a drink, my Elliot.

All right, I'm with that. Brooke!

Little sis! Hey!

Oh, it's so good to see you.

What'd you bring me? What'd you bring me? Oh!

Chinese rice candy. You can eat the wrapper!

Shut up! Mmm-hmm.

That'll save me so much time.

I love you, sis. I love you, too.

- Yay! - Hey, girl.

Uh, hi, I'm Brooke Kerkovich.

It's an...

Hi. Okay. Oh!

Brooke, Penny Hartz!

I slept over at your house a lot.

Oh, I wrote that paper on you in seventh grade.

Oh! You hit me with your car,

and I had to wear a leg brace all summer.

Oh, yes. That's right. What leg was that again?

The left.

No. Sorry, I'm thinking of someone else.

Yeah, totally.

Yeah, I was thinking of someone else, too.

So much blonde.

Hold on. Sit down.

She's an odd one. Yes.

So have you talked to Dad?

I can't believe he threw his back out.

He's immobilized. He's not coming to the wedding.

Should we postpone?

Postpone? At this stage?

Jane, is that a joke?

Yep.

So... How are the rehearsal dinner plans?

Perfect. Everything is done to your specifications.

Where's Mom sitting? Away from the band,

so she doesn't try to join them for a song.

Flowers? Hypoallergenic.

All tears should be caused by the bride's glory.

Kids' table? There isn't one.

Children should be seen and not heard and also not seen.

Good.

Ah.

Hi, Mom!

Well. Hi, sweetie.

Hey, Janie!

Hey, Dad. How you feeling?

Amazing.

Have you guys seen "Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian"?

Because it is a masterstroke.

Your dad's on a lot of fancy pills right now.

He's really not himself.

Hey, Barb, take me for a spin.

Show me what the hell else I'm paying for in this joint.

Yep, he's still pretty much himself.

Yeah.

Are there possibly any other rooms available

- for this weekend? - Let me check.

Why do you need another room?

Oh. Uh...

You know, 'cause Dave and I just...

Have so much sex that we need a cooldown room.

Okay, nobody has that much sex.

Who do you think you are, the Fonz?

Okay, fine. Dave and I broke up last week.

Oh, my God! I can't believe it! Are you okay?

Yeah. I think. I don't know.

Oh! Sweetie, I'm so sorry. What happened?

Well, we were talking about Brooke's wedding

and then we got locked in our bedroom.

Again? It's a old building.

The doors expand, the wood separates, and we're idiots!

I can't believe Brooke's marrying this Elliot guy

after only, like, a year.

It's kind of fast, right?

Well, they both dated a lot of people before they met.

So when they met each other, they just knew.

Like when I met the bloomin onion, I just knew.

Well, we never really dated anybody else.

I'll check the bathroom window.

What... What do you mean?

I mean, we dated other people during our break.

Well, I didn't really date.

I would call it a series of mind-blowing sexual experiences

with a lot of beautiful women. What about you?

Yeah, I had one guy, like, feel me up.

What? It's fine.

Over or under the bra? Whatever!

Was he quick with the clasp? Doesn't matter, David.

I guess we didn't really have a true break.

We're basically each other's rebound relationship.

What are you saying?

I don't know.

I mean, Brooke and Elliot knew that they were right for each other

'cause they both had other real relationships.

This window's still jammed.

Let's... Let's try the bedroom door again.

Oh, come on!

See, Dave? This is why I don't shut the bathroom door

when I'm in here.

Wow. I am floored.

So... Shh!

Okay, Dave and I swore that we wouldn't tell anyone

until after the wedding.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey... Back up a sec.

This is huge.

Alex just lets it rage with the bathroom door open?

Baller move!

Max.

Sorry. I guess I just got used to

you two dummies being back together.

You okay? Yeah. I guess.

In a way, it was kinda good.

You know, being locked in that room for a couple hours

really forced us to finally deal with our stuff.

So are we really doing this?

Yeah, I guess so.

It sucks but it feels right.

You don't regret getting back together, do you?

No. Of course not.

Okay.

I would've regretted if we stayed together

just because of momentum.

Oh, then we'd be right back where we started.

I don't want to go through that again.

I don't even know where I'd find a guy

who wears rollerblades anymore.

Too soon.

Let's get out of here.

Yep. I mean really!

Oh! What?

Seriously? Come on!

Why'd we close this door anyway?

It felt right!

You're right. It did.

As promised, your perfect rehearsal dinner.

Is this seating chart laminated?

Yep. I got my own machine. No big.

I did splurge for the newest model.

I'll stop bragging.

Oh, yeah, I'm a card-carrying member of the lami-nation.

We even have our own constitution,

which can't we amend...

'Cause it's laminated.

Isn't laminating just a bit... Tacky?

W... w... what about for spills and stuff?

How about instead of protecting it from spills,

we just don't spill, right?

Yeah. Yes.

That's a good idea. You... Good note, Brooke!

Lamination, Jane?

Why don't you just cover it in glitter, you...

Cheap whore?

Hello, gay sir.

Hello, Countess Vonboobs.

I have a secret, but I shan't be telling you.

I have a secret as well,

and it's a real doozie kurtz.

My secret's so big, just the tip will be enough.

Yes, well, is your secret bigger than the fact

that Alex and Dave broke up?

Damn it, Max! Come on.

That was my secret, too! Damn it, Penny!

Why do people tell us stuff?

Did I hear you say that Alex and Dave are breaking up?

I'm sorry. I'm Alex's second cousin Sherry.

No, actually, we did not say that.

I think you might've heard wrong.

You see, Sherry...

Alex and Dave are not so much breaking up

- as they are... - Breaking Ground.

Ground on an addition on their home.

Are they starting a family?

Because I knew that I heard someone

talking about a pregnancy in the bathroom.

Sherry, I gotta tell ya...

No. You're on the nose here.

Detective work is great.

Sherlock Sherry.

They're pregnant. Super preggers.

Sperm has fertilized the egg.

Right now, her uterus is creating a nutrient-rich lining

to house and protect the young fetus.

But do me a favor, Sher Bear?

Why don't we just keep this a secret

between the three of us, huh?

Great.

Turn it and throw it away. Mmm.

How could you start a rumor like that?

And how do you know so much about uteruses?

Uteri. You're a woman.

You should know which part of the butt the baby comes from.

And look, this secret cannot get out.

And right now, I'm feeling a lot of heat in our direction.

We need to deflect it. Change the news cycle.

I was sniff in' what you were whiff in'.

Penny, don't.

Look at him. Elliot's got it so easy...

Because of all the work I did.

I put up with all their weird questions

and made them feel comfortable around a black guy.

Oh, my God.

I'm the Jackie Robinson of the Kerkovich family.

Sure. That's not a leap at all.

I broke down barriers, okay?

And Elliot should have to go through what I did.

Actually, the true legacy of Jackie Robinson

is that Elliot shouldn't have to go through what you did.

I believe it was Medgar Evers who once said...

Dude, we get it. You minored in black history.

Afro-American Studies.

And I am offended by your use of the term "minor."

Now is not the time, man!

All right, Dr. Berg,

I know you delivered every child in this family,

but you're in the wrong seat.

So I'm gonna need you to make like George Clinton

and get the funk outta here.

Jane.

Yeah?

Why are you freaking out on Dr. B.?

Because I put everyone in the wrong place

because the seating chart is ruined.

What? I had to unlaminate it,

and then I got those weird sweats

that I only get when Brooke's around.

Well, that explains why Mom ended up by the band.

♪ Oh, when the saints Keep me out of this.

♪ Go marching in Not happening.

♪ Oh, when the saints go marching... No.

♪ I wanna be there in that number

♪ When the saints go marching in ♪

Hallelujah!

So...

The seating is a complete mess,

and I'm pretty sure that woman doesn't even belong here.

You bought me my first maxi pad.

Aw!

Jane, it's very clear to me

that the pressure is getting to you,

and I think we need to give you a simpler task.

Let go. Let go.

Instead of helping me get ready tomorrow,

I think it would be better if you handed out programs.

And you... Yeah?

...are doing a wonderful job. Oh!

Thank you. Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, that's a good plan.

Aw, I'm sorry. Are you okay?

I'm good. Okay.

I'm really good. Yeah. I gotta...

Actually, I gotta check on... Okay.

The thing in the...

Okay, big boy, let's go.

Let's go.

Are you serious?

Elliot knows Blair Underwood?

Oh, yeah. Wow.

And he loves it when people ask him about it. Oh!

Here he comes.

Hey, Elliot. You know Blair Underwood?

What? What?

Oh!

What? What? He... Ah!

Oh, my gosh.

Like all black people are just supposed to know

Blair Underwood, huh?

Uh... Actually, I do know Blair.

He's a great guy. He's a spokesman for a charity I work with.

Wow! That is very impressive, Elliot.

The stories you must have, huh?

What? No!

The stories are stupid!

I'm impressive!

I'm Jackie Robinson!

Mmm...

So, Alex... Drinking, huh?

In your condition? Isn't that...

Uh, acceptable in Europe? Yes.

How very French of you, Alex.

I guess it is.

Ooh, la la! Pepe Le Pew! French Stewart!

And, Alex, how are your cravings?

Insane. Totally insane.

Thank you for asking.

Um, this rarely happens.

I feel like I'm missing something.

Like that time that everybody turned on linen pants

all of a sudden. No. No. No.

No, I don't, uh...

Okay, what are we gonna do?

We need to change the news cycle again.

I have an idea.

Hey! Hey! Hmm?

Scuttle your butt on over here, Sher.

I got some grade-A goss,

but you have it keep it a secret. Okay?

Jane and Brad are on the rocks.

You tastin' what I'm wastin'?

Pen, come on. Just...

Just don't tell anybody.

Oh! Your secret's safe with me.

This better work, Max.

Give it time. Give it time.

So this is hush-hush,

but Brad and Jane are divorcing

because Brad has a love child.

Wow. That was fast.

They really took it and ran.

Yeah, but you know what I liked?

They really made it their own.

Hello.

Do not fold that! It's not garbage.

It's a guide to your magical afternoon.

Hey, um, so Brooke heard

that you were making people feel uncomfortable.

So she thought it'd be better

if you just let the podium do your job.

Sorry, Jane. I just...

I lucked out that, you know,

I was born for this whole flower girl gig.

It's not at all how or when you're supposed to do that.

Brooke, Elliot, we've reached the big moment.

Elliot, do you take Brooke to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

No, no, no, no.

And you, Brooke, take Elliot to be your lawfully wedded husband?

No!

What? No, no, not them.

There is a fire, and...

Programs are on fire.

Everyone stay here. I'm a volunteer firefighter.

I'm a volunteer firefighter.

Keep reading us your resume, dude.

Dave, get Alex out of here.

The fumes are bad for the baby.

Hey! I know I'm the baby of the family,

but I'm a big girl! If I can get through a corn maze,

I can get out of here.

No, the baby you're having.

What?

No, it's Brad and Jane that are having the baby.

What?

No! It's a love child that Brad has with some floozy.

That's why they're getting divorced.

What?

I'm not having a love child!

Well, then who's breaking up?

Dave and I are.

What?

I know. I...

We should've told all of you sooner, but...

I have no idea where these other stories came from.

Max and Penny told us.

Ah.

Okay, well... Right.

Look, I'm sorry. I had to change the news cycle,

like how I told everyone Penny was 53.

Oh, come on! No gasps on that?

Well, then who did I overhear

talking about a baby in the bathroom?

I know it's a Kerkovich girl.

It wasn't me. It was not me.

It's me. All right?

I'm pregnant.

Ah!

Brooke, the ceremony was lovely!

Who are you?

How you holding up?

Well, my shotgun wedding got soaked.

Yeah.

Look, I know you think I'm perfect,

but I'm actually not.

You happy? No.

Yes. Very much.

I know I've always been a little bit hard on you,

but it's because I knew how much potential you had.

I knew you could be great.

Maybe even better than me.

That's why I had to destroy you.

That is the nicest thing

you have ever said to me.

Well, you deserve it. Hmm.

Plus, you only sort of ruined my wedding.

Max and Penny really ruined it.

She remembered me!

Oh!

Again, I'm so happy for you.

Hey, yo, E.

Hey, man. Um...

Listen...

I just wanna let you know that

I'm really happy to have you in the family.

Oh, thanks.

And look, I know you being here first

did make it easier for me.

Well... Although, now that you've knocked up

a Kerkovich daughter out of wedlock...

You're gonna have it plenty rough.

Yeah. So I'm here for you, man.

Brother-in-law. Brother-in-law.

Elliot, we need to talk.

Oh!

You're in trouble!

Do it, girl.

Congratulations, Elliot.

Our first grandchild.

Barb and I are thrilled!

It sure is taking Brad long enough.

It makes you wonder what's wrong with his stuff.

My stuff is fine!

Don't worry about my stuff!

I'm sure his stuff if okay.

It's excellent!

Aw, yeah!

This one goes out to the baby mamas,

the not baby mamas, the couples, the fake couples,

the brothers, the sisters,

and one handsome genius that took a single loving peen pic

with every disposable camera in this room.

Congratulations, Brooke and Elliot!

So apparently

you're having a love child with some tramp.

Boo, the only tramp I'm ever gonna put a love child in

is you. Aw!

That is gonna be so fun.

As long as it's better than Brooke and Elliot's.

Yes. Yeah.

Mmm-hmm!

♪ I can go where life takes me...

How ya doin'?

I'm good.

♪ For once I can say...

Hey, you know, we're officially on the market now.

How about I find you a dance partner?

Her? Ooh.

No?

Or her. She has clearly got grind...

...on the mind.

You know what?

I think tonight,

I just wanna dance with my friend.

Yeah, I'd like that.

♪ Not like it's hurt before

♪ For once I have something I know won't desert me

♪ I'm not alone anymore

♪ For once I can say, "This is mine, you can't take it"

♪ As long I know I have love, I can make it ♪

♪ For once in my life

♪ I have someone who needs me

♪ Someone who needs me

♪ Ah, ha ha, hey, yeah

♪ Someone who needs me

♪ Oh, love, baby ♪