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1
00:00:01,626 --> 00:00:02,877
Ding!
2
00:00:03,169 --> 00:00:04,879
Mmm.
3
00:00:05,171 --> 00:00:06,255
Ding.
What are we?
4
00:00:06,547 --> 00:00:08,549
A typewriter.
Unsanitary.
5
00:00:08,841 --> 00:00:09,759
Brad is correct.
Jane is a bitch.
6
00:00:10,051 --> 00:00:11,469
YES!
Mmm.
7
00:00:11,761 --> 00:00:12,970
I'm always right about Cornplay.
8
00:00:13,262 --> 00:00:14,263
Was wrong about Coldplay, though.
They're still huge.
9
00:00:14,555 --> 00:00:16,182
Mmm.
Yes, they are.
10
00:00:16,474 --> 00:00:18,601
Speaking of things we never thought
would last, look at you two.
11
00:00:18,893 --> 00:00:20,686
Still going strong.
12
00:00:20,978 --> 00:00:24,106
Yeah, best of all, we've got the
original foursome back together.
13
00:00:24,398 --> 00:00:25,650
Roll call!
Oh!
14
00:00:25,942 --> 00:00:27,693
- Brad. Jane. Dave. Alex.
- Mmm.
15
00:00:27,985 --> 00:00:28,986
We must protect this house!
16
00:00:29,278 --> 00:00:30,071
Yeah!
17
00:00:30,363 --> 00:00:32,031
- And, Max!
- Yeah.
18
00:00:32,323 --> 00:00:33,866
Hello?
This is not a foursome.
19
00:00:34,158 --> 00:00:35,701
You guys are totally
fifth-wheeling me.
20
00:00:35,993 --> 00:00:38,454
Come on, man. We're not
fifth-wheeling you, Joey Fatone.
21
00:00:38,746 --> 00:00:40,248
Yeah, you're still part
of the group, Sporty Spice.
22
00:00:40,540 --> 00:00:42,083
You're our favorite character,
Roz from "Frasier."
23
00:00:42,375 --> 00:00:44,544
Watch it. Oh, Roz. She
was the Rozziest.
24
00:00:44,835 --> 00:00:47,255
Whatever. I don't need
the four of you anyway,
25
00:00:47,547 --> 00:00:49,006
because here comes Penny,
26
00:00:49,298 --> 00:00:51,384
and she no doubt
has a tall tale to tell
27
00:00:51,676 --> 00:00:54,053
about how she ruined her
10-day-old relationship with Pete.
28
00:00:54,345 --> 00:00:56,180
I live for these stories.
29
00:00:56,472 --> 00:00:58,683
Hey, guys. Hey.
Pen. Let me guess.
30
00:00:58,975 --> 00:01:00,893
Pete broke up with you because
he was shaving at your house
31
00:01:01,185 --> 00:01:03,896
and caught you whipping the
whiskers into a little vial
32
00:01:04,188 --> 00:01:05,481
that you would thus
wear around your neck
33
00:01:05,773 --> 00:01:06,941
so you would always have
a piece of him on you.
34
00:01:07,233 --> 00:01:08,401
No.
35
00:01:08,693 --> 00:01:09,694
Max, that is rude.
36
00:01:09,986 --> 00:01:11,028
I am sure that
he broke up with her
37
00:01:11,320 --> 00:01:12,530
because she showed him
a video of her birth
38
00:01:12,822 --> 00:01:14,240
because she thought it would
"bring 'em closer"?
39
00:01:14,532 --> 00:01:15,783
I know.
40
00:01:16,075 --> 00:01:17,159
She came up with
a nickname for his junk,
41
00:01:17,451 --> 00:01:18,911
"then got confused and
called it "dad." Could be.
42
00:01:19,203 --> 00:01:21,581
No. You guys! S.T.D.
43
00:01:21,872 --> 00:01:23,583
I was gonna guess that!
You to him or him to you?
44
00:01:23,874 --> 00:01:26,294
No, S.T.D...
Sorry to disappoint,
45
00:01:26,586 --> 00:01:28,129
also, still together, dummies.
46
00:01:28,421 --> 00:01:30,006
Double S.T.D.
47
00:01:30,298 --> 00:01:32,925
That's right, friends, Pete
and I are a-doing a-great.
48
00:01:33,217 --> 00:01:34,302
Oh, yeah.
Well, where is this Pete?
49
00:01:34,594 --> 00:01:35,177
He's parking the car.
Yeah?
50
00:01:35,469 --> 00:01:37,013
The getaway car?
51
00:01:37,305 --> 00:01:38,389
He's about to come in here and break
up with you right in front of us?
52
00:01:38,681 --> 00:01:39,765
Hey, everyone.
53
00:01:40,057 --> 00:01:41,058
Ah, do it, Pete.
54
00:01:41,350 --> 00:01:42,560
Missed you, babe.
55
00:01:42,852 --> 00:01:45,521
Aw!
Okay, scooch, guys.
56
00:01:45,813 --> 00:01:48,232
Man on end. There's
a man coming through.
57
00:01:50,067 --> 00:01:51,235
Uh!
58
00:01:51,527 --> 00:01:52,612
Oh!
59
00:01:52,903 --> 00:01:54,363
Seriously?
60
00:01:54,655 --> 00:01:56,282
Idiot.
Max, you're the Rozziest.
61
00:02:10,338 --> 00:02:12,757
So we are all set
for Dad's party.
62
00:02:13,049 --> 00:02:14,717
Traditional Serbian
restaurant... check.
63
00:02:15,009 --> 00:02:17,136
Traditional Serbian menu...
a-check.
64
00:02:17,428 --> 00:02:18,304
Traditional Serbian music...
65
00:02:18,596 --> 00:02:22,016
Czech... Oslovakian.
66
00:02:22,308 --> 00:02:23,893
It is tough to find
a Serbian band.
67
00:02:24,185 --> 00:02:25,936
By the way, Jane,
I took care of the apps.
68
00:02:26,228 --> 00:02:27,772
We're gonna have
head cheese dumplings
69
00:02:28,064 --> 00:02:29,106
with blood sausage
dipping sauce.
70
00:02:31,150 --> 00:02:33,277
Okay, now I just
have to figure out
71
00:02:33,569 --> 00:02:34,612
what I'm gonna say
in my toast to Dad.
72
00:02:34,904 --> 00:02:36,072
Just say something
nice and heartfelt.
73
00:02:36,364 --> 00:02:37,406
You're good at that.
Boring.
74
00:02:37,698 --> 00:02:41,160
This year, I'm a-gonna
do some a-comedy.
75
00:02:41,452 --> 00:02:44,163
That's a a-terrible a-idea.
76
00:02:44,455 --> 00:02:46,374
Yeah, especially for Dad.
He doesn't laugh at anything.
77
00:02:46,666 --> 00:02:47,583
I mean, except for Gallagher.
78
00:02:47,875 --> 00:02:48,959
But who doesn't find
Gallagher hilarious?
79
00:02:49,251 --> 00:02:50,503
I don't.
80
00:02:50,795 --> 00:02:53,381
With the watermelons
and the smashing?
81
00:02:53,673 --> 00:02:55,716
It's funny because
it's wasteful.
82
00:02:56,008 --> 00:02:57,551
It's just not funny. Well,
I am gonna make him laugh
83
00:02:57,843 --> 00:02:59,345
by constructing the perfect joke
84
00:02:59,637 --> 00:03:00,388
appealing to his
specific interests,
85
00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:01,597
crafted by his loving daughter,
86
00:03:01,889 --> 00:03:03,349
who's done exhaustive research.
87
00:03:03,641 --> 00:03:05,309
Comedy's all about
research, babe.
88
00:03:05,601 --> 00:03:07,395
It's why Dave Chappelle has
two LexisNexis accounts.
89
00:03:07,687 --> 00:03:09,063
You'll see.
I don't know.
90
00:03:09,355 --> 00:03:10,398
I mean, your dad's
kind of a tough room.
91
00:03:11,440 --> 00:03:13,401
So... Parties, right?
92
00:03:15,069 --> 00:03:16,153
Why would you say that?
93
00:03:16,445 --> 00:03:18,489
Well, at least this year
I've got Dave.
94
00:03:18,781 --> 00:03:20,658
Actually, I told Dave
that he didn't have to go.
95
00:03:20,950 --> 00:03:22,243
What? I know, but
these family events
96
00:03:22,535 --> 00:03:24,203
are so long and boring.
Got that right.
97
00:03:24,495 --> 00:03:25,913
Plus Dave's steak truck
98
00:03:26,205 --> 00:03:28,082
just got hired for a quinceanera.
Mmm.
99
00:03:28,374 --> 00:03:31,502
Yeah. 15-year-old
Mexican girls love Dave.
100
00:03:31,794 --> 00:03:33,754
They call him
vaquero blanca de fuego.
101
00:03:34,046 --> 00:03:35,381
Que?
The fiery white cowgirl.
102
00:03:36,924 --> 00:03:39,552
He is not fiery.
No.
103
00:03:39,844 --> 00:03:41,846
So you're really not going
to Mr. Ks party?
104
00:03:42,138 --> 00:03:43,139
Yeah. Alex said
she was cool with it.
105
00:03:43,431 --> 00:03:45,683
Oh, Dave, you scruffy dummy.
106
00:03:45,975 --> 00:03:47,560
I'm glad you came to me.
You came here.
107
00:03:47,852 --> 00:03:49,687
Going to family events
is a major part
108
00:03:49,979 --> 00:03:51,355
of being
in a serious relationship.
109
00:03:51,647 --> 00:03:53,274
You have to be there.
110
00:03:53,566 --> 00:03:56,277
This is the 20th anniversary
of a man's mattress store.
111
00:03:56,569 --> 00:03:58,779
It's two decades of pillow
tops and memory foam.
112
00:03:59,071 --> 00:04:00,448
Memory foam, Dave...
113
00:04:00,740 --> 00:04:03,033
It doesn't forget,
and neither will Alex.
114
00:04:03,325 --> 00:04:04,577
So even though Alex said
I don't have to go,
115
00:04:04,869 --> 00:04:05,745
she really wants me there.
116
00:04:06,036 --> 00:04:08,456
And bingo was his name-o.
117
00:04:08,748 --> 00:04:10,249
David, I have been
in a thriving relaysh
118
00:04:10,541 --> 00:04:11,500
for... I can't even
remember how long.
119
00:04:11,792 --> 00:04:12,793
10 days.
120
00:04:13,085 --> 00:04:14,587
11 nights.
You have to trust me.
121
00:04:14,879 --> 00:04:16,130
I don't want to overstate
it, but I think
122
00:04:16,422 --> 00:04:18,591
I've sort of mastered
relationships completely,
123
00:04:18,883 --> 00:04:20,551
like forever, into perpa-tutu.
124
00:04:20,843 --> 00:04:22,219
Well, I do think
you want to overstate it,
125
00:04:22,511 --> 00:04:23,679
but I'm happy that
you and Pete are happy.
126
00:04:23,971 --> 00:04:27,224
It is going so great!
127
00:04:27,516 --> 00:04:29,185
I haven't even made that list of
faults that I make for every guy
128
00:04:29,477 --> 00:04:30,811
so that if we break up,
129
00:04:31,103 --> 00:04:33,439
I can console myself with
his many weaknesses and such.
130
00:04:33,731 --> 00:04:35,316
You do that?
Oh, yeah.
131
00:04:35,608 --> 00:04:36,150
Name any guy I've ever dated.
132
00:04:36,776 --> 00:04:38,277
Simon.
133
00:04:38,569 --> 00:04:40,821
Micro junk, played the recorder,
addicted to angel dust.
134
00:04:41,947 --> 00:04:43,032
Oh. Now I feel better.
135
00:04:43,324 --> 00:04:44,575
Simon was addicted
to angel dust?
136
00:04:46,452 --> 00:04:47,703
That's why he was
always punching cars.
137
00:04:47,995 --> 00:04:49,997
I just thought he was cool.
138
00:04:50,289 --> 00:04:53,584
Max, you are gonna help me build
the perfect joke for my dad,
139
00:04:53,876 --> 00:04:56,253
you are my less fit,
less handsome Bruce Vilanch.
140
00:04:56,545 --> 00:04:58,214
Ooh. Low blow.
141
00:04:58,506 --> 00:05:00,633
Okay, these are
my Dad's chief interests.
142
00:05:00,925 --> 00:05:02,510
Pay attention.
143
00:05:02,802 --> 00:05:04,136
- World war II...
- Uh-huh.
144
00:05:04,428 --> 00:05:05,805
Chicago Bears.
Uh-huh.
145
00:05:06,096 --> 00:05:07,640
Bass fishing.
146
00:05:07,932 --> 00:05:08,849
Chevy Chase.
147
00:05:09,141 --> 00:05:10,100
The actor
or the Maryland suburb?
148
00:05:10,392 --> 00:05:11,936
Neither. Talk show host.
149
00:05:12,228 --> 00:05:14,814
My dad was a big fan
of "The Chevy Chase Show."
150
00:05:15,105 --> 00:05:16,690
He always bet on the wrong horse
when it came to late night...
151
00:05:16,982 --> 00:05:19,276
Rivers, Thicke, Johnson.
152
00:05:19,568 --> 00:05:20,694
Loved "The Magic Hour."
153
00:05:20,986 --> 00:05:22,613
Magic's a national hero.
154
00:05:22,905 --> 00:05:24,990
He really raised awareness
about how a person
155
00:05:25,282 --> 00:05:27,159
could successfully live
with not having a talk show.
156
00:05:27,451 --> 00:05:29,453
Mmm.
Next interest.
157
00:05:29,745 --> 00:05:31,956
No, that's it. I mean, except
for old-timey slide projectors.
158
00:05:33,290 --> 00:05:34,750
It's freaking me out.
159
00:05:35,042 --> 00:05:36,293
I need a joke that is gonna
hit on all of these areas.
160
00:05:36,585 --> 00:05:37,086
Okay? So go!
161
00:05:38,170 --> 00:05:39,171
All right.
162
00:05:40,256 --> 00:05:41,799
Okay.
163
00:05:42,091 --> 00:05:42,716
Chevy. Chevy. Chevy.
Chevy. Chevy.
164
00:05:43,008 --> 00:05:44,510
I'm running with Chevy.
165
00:05:44,802 --> 00:05:47,179
We're running away from Nazis.
166
00:05:47,471 --> 00:05:50,140
I'm in a very
"Saturday Nacht Live" place?
167
00:05:50,432 --> 00:05:51,058
Let's try to find
the middle of the road.
168
00:05:51,350 --> 00:05:52,476
I'm sorry.
169
00:05:52,768 --> 00:05:54,770
I'm a little off my game, okay?
170
00:05:55,062 --> 00:05:55,604
It's just... Penny's been
hanging out so much with Pete.
171
00:05:55,896 --> 00:05:57,690
I really miss her.
Mmm.
172
00:05:57,982 --> 00:06:01,026
I mean, her crazy train-wreck
break-up stories
173
00:06:01,318 --> 00:06:02,987
that make me feel so much
better about my life.
174
00:06:03,279 --> 00:06:04,446
Max, Penny's happy,
175
00:06:04,738 --> 00:06:05,698
so as her friend,
you should be...
176
00:06:05,990 --> 00:06:07,157
probably be trying
to break her and Pete up.
177
00:06:07,449 --> 00:06:08,534
Yeah, I just don't know
if that seems like me,
178
00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:11,620
but I do like your other idea.
179
00:06:11,912 --> 00:06:14,498
What other idea? Find someone
who's as big a mess as Penny,
180
00:06:14,790 --> 00:06:16,458
start hanging out with her
to make Penny jealous,
181
00:06:16,750 --> 00:06:19,086
thus forcing Penny to come
crawling back to me.
182
00:06:19,378 --> 00:06:20,713
Never said that.
183
00:06:21,005 --> 00:06:23,257
Oh, Jane. Give yourself some credit, girl.
You are that good.
184
00:06:24,091 --> 00:06:25,134
Credit taken.
185
00:06:25,426 --> 00:06:25,885
You put it in my brain.
186
00:06:30,890 --> 00:06:31,724
Mmm.
187
00:06:33,183 --> 00:06:34,476
Mmm. Yum.
188
00:06:34,768 --> 00:06:36,645
Alex!
Mom!
189
00:06:36,937 --> 00:06:38,022
Oh! Hi, sweetie.
Hi.
190
00:06:39,064 --> 00:06:41,317
Look at your plate.
191
00:06:41,609 --> 00:06:42,067
What are you eating?
192
00:06:43,402 --> 00:06:45,487
Salad?
193
00:06:45,779 --> 00:06:48,616
What did I teach you
about buffet strategy?
194
00:06:48,908 --> 00:06:50,743
Always start with
your high-end meats.
195
00:06:51,035 --> 00:06:52,286
Skip veggies. They'll only
fill you up with nonsense.
196
00:06:52,578 --> 00:06:54,163
And...
197
00:06:54,455 --> 00:06:57,958
Be sure to make sexual
eye contact with the carver.
198
00:06:58,250 --> 00:06:59,126
Your stomach will thank you.
199
00:07:00,753 --> 00:07:02,046
I love you, Mom.
200
00:07:02,338 --> 00:07:03,797
Oh, don't get sappy.
It's buffet time.
201
00:07:09,303 --> 00:07:12,014
So then, Mike Ditka,
202
00:07:12,306 --> 00:07:13,599
former Bears coach,
203
00:07:13,891 --> 00:07:16,268
is in a Sherman tank,
204
00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:18,520
and he is holding a fish...
a bass.
205
00:07:18,812 --> 00:07:20,105
Right.
And then he says...
206
00:07:22,733 --> 00:07:25,152
He says,
"Next slide, please."
207
00:07:26,070 --> 00:07:26,946
Boom.
208
00:07:28,530 --> 00:07:29,573
Huh.
209
00:07:29,865 --> 00:07:32,618
Oh, okay. Yeah.
All right. Uh...
210
00:07:32,910 --> 00:07:33,911
I don't get it.
211
00:07:34,203 --> 00:07:36,956
Okay. All right.
"Next slide, please."
212
00:07:38,707 --> 00:07:40,209
Boom!
213
00:07:40,501 --> 00:07:43,754
Oh. Okay.
214
00:07:44,046 --> 00:07:44,505
Now is "boom" part of it?
'Cause, um, I...
215
00:07:44,797 --> 00:07:46,090
Hey!
216
00:07:46,382 --> 00:07:48,092
Hey, Dad.
Oh, hey.
217
00:07:48,384 --> 00:07:51,428
Congratulations!
There's my girl.
218
00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:53,347
Looking forward to your
heartfelt toast tonight.
219
00:07:53,639 --> 00:07:54,515
I could use a nap.
220
00:07:56,976 --> 00:07:58,936
I might surprise you this year.
221
00:07:59,228 --> 00:08:01,814
In fact, I am gonna go actually
work on my toast right now.
222
00:08:02,106 --> 00:08:02,690
So you're good.
You're good, right?
223
00:08:02,982 --> 00:08:04,274
No. Just don't...
224
00:08:04,566 --> 00:08:06,193
♪ Stay with me ♪
225
00:08:09,905 --> 00:08:10,823
Skinny margarita, please.
226
00:08:16,662 --> 00:08:17,413
So...
227
00:08:19,206 --> 00:08:20,165
Parties, right?
228
00:08:22,918 --> 00:08:24,753
Really?
You're still on that?
229
00:08:25,587 --> 00:08:26,630
Um...
230
00:08:30,092 --> 00:08:30,884
Wanna hear a joke?
231
00:08:32,761 --> 00:08:33,595
Try me.
232
00:08:34,138 --> 00:08:35,014
Open.
233
00:08:37,016 --> 00:08:38,767
Now there's a little
pocket of meat in there.
234
00:08:39,059 --> 00:08:40,019
Now bite down on it.
235
00:08:41,145 --> 00:08:42,521
And...
Mmm!
236
00:08:42,813 --> 00:08:44,565
- Uh-huh. What do you taste?
- More meat.
237
00:08:44,857 --> 00:08:46,442
Now you're
getting the hang of it.
238
00:08:46,734 --> 00:08:47,860
- Mmm!
- Hey, everybody.
239
00:08:48,152 --> 00:08:49,653
Surprise!
Dave.
240
00:08:49,945 --> 00:08:52,531
Alex. Mrs. K.
241
00:08:52,823 --> 00:08:54,450
Oh.
You look beautiful tonight.
242
00:08:54,742 --> 00:08:56,035
Oh, Dave, what are you doing here?
What are you doing here?
243
00:08:56,326 --> 00:08:57,494
Well, Al, I know you said
I didn't have to come,
244
00:08:57,786 --> 00:08:59,413
but I thought about it,
and I should be here.
245
00:08:59,705 --> 00:09:00,539
We're getting serious again.
246
00:09:00,831 --> 00:09:02,416
Serious?
247
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:05,502
Yeah. He means like how
we're all getting serious again,
248
00:09:05,794 --> 00:09:07,963
you know, 'cause of all the
wars and the flash mobs
249
00:09:08,255 --> 00:09:09,590
and that floating
garbage island.
250
00:09:09,882 --> 00:09:12,718
Okay, we are post-Katrina, guys.
251
00:09:13,010 --> 00:09:14,762
In conclusion, let me walk
you out, my solemn chum.
252
00:09:15,054 --> 00:09:15,637
Let's go.
253
00:09:18,557 --> 00:09:19,141
What was that all about?
254
00:09:19,433 --> 00:09:21,393
Well...
255
00:09:21,685 --> 00:09:23,020
I may not have told my parents
that we're back together.
256
00:09:23,312 --> 00:09:24,396
What? Maybe I did. No,
I definitely didn't.
257
00:09:27,649 --> 00:09:29,651
So Mike Ditka rolls up
on his Sherman tank, right?
258
00:09:29,943 --> 00:09:31,487
And then Ditka says,
259
00:09:31,779 --> 00:09:33,572
"Next slide, please."
260
00:09:44,500 --> 00:09:45,459
Boom!
261
00:09:50,798 --> 00:09:52,257
No boom?
262
00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:00,849
That was hilarious!
263
00:10:01,141 --> 00:10:02,893
Usually, I'm not much
of a joke joke guy.
264
00:10:03,185 --> 00:10:04,561
I like physical comedy...
something where
265
00:10:04,853 --> 00:10:06,355
a big piece of fruit
makes the ultimate sacrifice.
266
00:10:06,647 --> 00:10:07,439
You know what I'm talking about?
Yes.
267
00:10:07,731 --> 00:10:09,817
But I am seeing you now
in a whole new light, Brad.
268
00:10:10,109 --> 00:10:11,735
Well, I hope it's a light from
Ditka's old-timey slide projector.
269
00:10:12,027 --> 00:10:13,403
Uh!
270
00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:16,281
It's great joke.
271
00:10:16,573 --> 00:10:19,326
It was masterfully crafted.
272
00:10:19,618 --> 00:10:21,620
Look, I'm sorry. You left me
alone with him, and I panicked.
273
00:10:21,912 --> 00:10:23,956
I'm seeing you
in a whole new light, too...
274
00:10:24,248 --> 00:10:26,375
the kind of light they use when
you try on a bathing suit,
275
00:10:26,667 --> 00:10:29,128
which is a very
unflattering light, sir.
276
00:10:29,419 --> 00:10:30,003
Not good!
277
00:10:32,548 --> 00:10:34,591
How could you not have told your
parents that we're back together?
278
00:10:34,883 --> 00:10:36,468
It's not the easiest
conversation to have.
279
00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:38,011
I mean, my father
just now forgave me
280
00:10:38,303 --> 00:10:39,429
for the whole wedding fiasco.
281
00:10:39,721 --> 00:10:42,141
I mean, that was a hugely embarrassing
event for our whole family.
282
00:10:42,432 --> 00:10:43,809
Really?
Yeah.
283
00:10:44,101 --> 00:10:46,186
'Cause my family thought
it was a rocking good time.
284
00:10:46,478 --> 00:10:48,647
Look, if I can get over this,
so can your folks.
285
00:10:50,149 --> 00:10:51,108
All right,
let's tell them right now.
286
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,193
I'll do it. Come on.
287
00:10:53,485 --> 00:10:54,611
Okay. Yeah. You're right.
Let's do it. Okay.
288
00:10:56,029 --> 00:10:58,115
Dave Rose and my daughter Alex.
289
00:10:58,407 --> 00:10:59,783
Hey.
290
00:11:00,075 --> 00:11:01,368
You know, when I see
you two nitwits,
291
00:11:01,660 --> 00:11:03,120
I'm reminded of that fateful day
292
00:11:03,412 --> 00:11:04,538
when you didn't get married,
and I spent tons of money.
293
00:11:04,830 --> 00:11:06,039
Remember that day?
294
00:11:06,331 --> 00:11:08,834
You didn't get married.
I spent tons of money.
295
00:11:09,126 --> 00:11:10,127
You didn't spend
tons of money. I did.
296
00:11:11,545 --> 00:11:13,672
You know, I won't be
able to retire on time.
297
00:11:16,008 --> 00:11:16,842
Anyway, great to see you.
298
00:11:17,801 --> 00:11:20,053
Uh...
299
00:11:20,345 --> 00:11:20,804
Not as easy as you thought, huh?
300
00:11:22,431 --> 00:11:23,765
Hey, you.
301
00:11:24,057 --> 00:11:24,933
This is my new Penny.
302
00:11:25,225 --> 00:11:26,602
Uh, friend. Sorry.
303
00:11:26,894 --> 00:11:29,354
Penny, this is Nickel.
304
00:11:29,646 --> 00:11:31,148
It's pronounced Nicole.
305
00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:32,733
A nickel's worth five
times as much as Penny.
306
00:11:34,526 --> 00:11:35,736
This trick got some crazy stories.
Tell her, Nickel.
307
00:11:36,028 --> 00:11:37,112
Well, I was dating this guy
308
00:11:37,404 --> 00:11:38,989
from my overdaters
anonymous group.
309
00:11:39,281 --> 00:11:41,450
His name is Kevin. Crap. I'm
not supposed to say his name.
310
00:11:41,742 --> 00:11:43,827
It's Kevin Murphy.
Why am I telling you that?
311
00:11:44,119 --> 00:11:46,747
His mother's maiden name
is Andleman. Can't stop!
312
00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:48,790
Then don't.
Anyway, I go to the trouble
313
00:11:49,082 --> 00:11:50,709
to create a Yelp page
about myself,
314
00:11:51,001 --> 00:11:52,920
and he doesn't even review me.
No.
315
00:11:53,212 --> 00:11:56,965
But his mother does,
and her review is scathing.
316
00:11:57,257 --> 00:11:58,800
Unh-unh.
Pronounce it like I taught you.
317
00:11:59,092 --> 00:12:00,594
Scah-thing!
Ooh. Nice.
318
00:12:00,886 --> 00:12:02,095
Oh, Max.
Oh, Penny.
319
00:12:02,387 --> 00:12:03,222
I know what you're doing.
Oh, do you?
320
00:12:03,513 --> 00:12:04,723
Because I'm finally in, like,
321
00:12:05,015 --> 00:12:07,184
a really healthy relationship
with a great guy...
322
00:12:07,476 --> 00:12:09,561
Mmm-hmm. And it's
just making you feel
323
00:12:09,853 --> 00:12:11,980
like I'm the perfect
relationship guru,
324
00:12:12,272 --> 00:12:13,398
and you want me
to help your friend.
325
00:12:13,690 --> 00:12:15,692
I will do it. Nicole, yay.
Let's talk.
326
00:12:15,984 --> 00:12:16,985
Come here, baby girl.
Unh-unh-unh, baby girl.
327
00:12:17,277 --> 00:12:19,112
We BFF's. What kind of
lady tamps you usin'?
328
00:12:19,404 --> 00:12:20,072
Uh... Okay, Nicole, do
you mind if I ask you
329
00:12:20,364 --> 00:12:21,949
what sign you are?
330
00:12:22,241 --> 00:12:23,825
Taurus. Okay. You're gonna
need a really stable man,
331
00:12:24,117 --> 00:12:25,577
like someone who deserves you.
332
00:12:25,869 --> 00:12:27,704
Oh, my gosh!
You need someone like Jimmy.
333
00:12:27,996 --> 00:12:29,915
Jimmy is Pete's brother,
and he is almost
334
00:12:30,207 --> 00:12:31,250
as awesome as Pete.
335
00:12:31,541 --> 00:12:33,543
Almost.
336
00:12:33,835 --> 00:12:36,004
- Nah, he's better. He's Jimmy.
- Aw!
337
00:12:36,296 --> 00:12:37,130
Are we in the same spin class?
338
00:12:37,422 --> 00:12:39,007
Oh. Yeah.
339
00:12:39,299 --> 00:12:40,717
Spin class or chemistry class?
340
00:12:41,009 --> 00:12:42,844
It's like "Breaking Bad" in here.
Sit down. Let's cook.
341
00:12:43,136 --> 00:12:45,222
My plan is failing.
Max, please scooch.
342
00:12:45,514 --> 00:12:47,140
Scooch, scooch, scooch.
Ah.
343
00:12:47,432 --> 00:12:49,476
Ah. There we go.
344
00:12:49,768 --> 00:12:50,102
I could do this all day.
345
00:12:51,061 --> 00:12:52,271
Hmm... Hmm.
346
00:12:54,273 --> 00:12:55,440
The deejay wouldn't
give us our money back...
347
00:12:55,732 --> 00:12:57,276
only a credit on a future event.
348
00:12:57,567 --> 00:12:58,735
Thank God for us,
your grandma died.
349
00:12:59,027 --> 00:13:00,570
Now her favorite song
was "Brick House,"
350
00:13:00,862 --> 00:13:02,739
so it all worked out.
351
00:13:03,031 --> 00:13:04,992
Look, Dave, isn't there something
that you'd like to say
352
00:13:05,284 --> 00:13:06,618
about people
and their situation?
353
00:13:07,786 --> 00:13:09,204
Yes. Mmm.
354
00:13:09,496 --> 00:13:11,707
Yes. Alex and I are...
355
00:13:11,999 --> 00:13:14,543
Look, I'm sorry. I know I've
been beating up on you guys,
356
00:13:14,835 --> 00:13:17,045
but, Dave,
I always really liked you.
357
00:13:17,337 --> 00:13:18,463
Actually, I have a lot of
respect for you. Really?
358
00:13:18,755 --> 00:13:20,048
Yeah.
359
00:13:20,340 --> 00:13:21,800
It takes a big man
to stay friends
360
00:13:22,092 --> 00:13:24,052
with a woman who
humiliated him like that.
361
00:13:24,344 --> 00:13:25,387
Well, I don't think
"humiliated" is the right word.
362
00:13:25,679 --> 00:13:27,139
Emasculated.
That's good.
363
00:13:27,431 --> 00:13:29,016
Oh, uh, embarrassed.
Uh-huh.
364
00:13:29,308 --> 00:13:30,600
Uh, castrated.
Ooh.
365
00:13:30,892 --> 00:13:32,269
Could the word "eunuch"
be a verb?
366
00:13:32,561 --> 00:13:34,479
No.
It's a place, Mom.
367
00:13:34,771 --> 00:13:36,398
Oh. I'm sorry.
368
00:13:36,690 --> 00:13:39,943
Well, Dave, what's new with you?
369
00:13:40,235 --> 00:13:40,819
I mean, have you
been dating anyone?
370
00:13:41,903 --> 00:13:43,363
Dating? Yes.
371
00:13:44,197 --> 00:13:45,615
Lots.
372
00:13:45,907 --> 00:13:47,784
Yards and yards of ladies.
373
00:13:48,076 --> 00:13:51,663
In fact, meters, even,
'cause of the Canadians.
374
00:13:51,955 --> 00:13:54,499
Yeah, I'm
all aboot that Canadian strange, eh?
375
00:13:56,460 --> 00:13:57,127
Gotta go.
376
00:14:02,174 --> 00:14:03,800
I think Jimmy
really liked Nicole.
377
00:14:04,092 --> 00:14:04,885
Oh, what can I say?
378
00:14:05,177 --> 00:14:06,678
I have the hot hand.
379
00:14:09,514 --> 00:14:11,266
Hello.
380
00:14:11,558 --> 00:14:13,894
How do you do it, Penny Hartz?
381
00:14:14,186 --> 00:14:17,481
Where does it come from,
this uncanny knack
382
00:14:17,773 --> 00:14:19,316
for giving lovers
their road maps to happiness?
383
00:14:20,901 --> 00:14:22,152
I don't know.
384
00:14:22,444 --> 00:14:23,987
I think it comes from always
making the right moves
385
00:14:24,279 --> 00:14:25,947
in my own relationship.
But you tell me.
386
00:14:26,239 --> 00:14:27,074
You're the expert.
387
00:14:27,366 --> 00:14:28,742
Penny, what is this?
388
00:14:29,034 --> 00:14:30,243
A list of "Pete's faults"?
389
00:14:30,535 --> 00:14:32,329
Oh. That.
390
00:14:32,621 --> 00:14:36,583
That list in particular...
That's about Pete Rose.
391
00:14:36,875 --> 00:14:38,126
He... he bet on baseball.
392
00:14:38,418 --> 00:14:39,336
He's a bad man.
Let me just...
393
00:14:39,628 --> 00:14:41,588
"Nipples a quarter inch too low,
394
00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:43,882
"too much of a gentleman
in the boudoir,
395
00:14:44,174 --> 00:14:46,134
"repeated mispronunciation
of kwy-noa?"
396
00:14:47,594 --> 00:14:48,553
It's quinoa.
397
00:14:49,930 --> 00:14:50,847
You made a list of my flaws?
398
00:14:51,139 --> 00:14:53,392
No. Yes.
399
00:14:53,683 --> 00:14:54,851
It's this thing that I do.
400
00:14:55,143 --> 00:14:56,353
I think I gotta go.
401
00:14:57,938 --> 00:14:58,688
Wait.
402
00:14:59,606 --> 00:15:00,941
No!
403
00:15:01,233 --> 00:15:02,943
Pete! I'm pregnant!
404
00:15:03,235 --> 00:15:04,319
I'm not!
But I could be!
405
00:15:04,611 --> 00:15:05,654
We could sell it
and live off the money!
406
00:15:12,577 --> 00:15:13,578
There he is.
407
00:15:16,039 --> 00:15:16,915
Why the long face,
Michael Phelps?
408
00:15:18,083 --> 00:15:19,543
I don't know, man.
409
00:15:19,835 --> 00:15:20,961
I guess I didn't really think
about what it would mean
410
00:15:21,253 --> 00:15:22,295
to get back together with Alex,
411
00:15:22,587 --> 00:15:24,339
and now, you know,
everyone in there
412
00:15:24,631 --> 00:15:26,383
is gonna want to
put in their 2 cents, and...
413
00:15:26,675 --> 00:15:28,093
Buddy, you don't think
Jane and I
414
00:15:28,385 --> 00:15:29,970
have to deal with that
every day?
415
00:15:30,262 --> 00:15:31,847
Especially with family.
416
00:15:32,139 --> 00:15:33,432
For years, my aunt
Margaret's nickname for Jane
417
00:15:33,723 --> 00:15:35,100
has been "cocaine."
What?
418
00:15:35,392 --> 00:15:37,477
Yeah. Skinny, white,
419
00:15:37,769 --> 00:15:39,312
and a scourge
to the black community.
420
00:15:39,604 --> 00:15:41,189
That's a special kind of racism.
Yeah.
421
00:15:41,481 --> 00:15:42,399
You know what?
422
00:15:42,691 --> 00:15:44,484
Jane and I get through it.
423
00:15:44,776 --> 00:15:45,318
We don't care what people think.
424
00:15:46,445 --> 00:15:48,280
You're right.
425
00:15:48,572 --> 00:15:49,990
Wait. Aren't you stealing
your wife's jokes
426
00:15:50,282 --> 00:15:51,324
because you do care
what Mr. K thinks?
427
00:15:52,868 --> 00:15:55,287
Do as I say, bruh, not as I duh.
428
00:16:03,378 --> 00:16:04,713
You made the list?
429
00:16:05,005 --> 00:16:06,214
Of course I made the fault list.
430
00:16:06,506 --> 00:16:08,175
I'm me, and that is not all.
431
00:16:08,467 --> 00:16:10,552
Oh, thank God that's not all.
Hit me.
432
00:16:10,844 --> 00:16:12,888
So after Pete left, I
followed him down the street
433
00:16:13,180 --> 00:16:14,764
into the convenience store where
I hid in the magazine section.
434
00:16:15,056 --> 00:16:16,641
Uh-huh.
But then he saw me,
435
00:16:16,933 --> 00:16:17,976
so I tried to duck down...
Uh-huh.
436
00:16:18,268 --> 00:16:20,020
But my shirt got torn
by the salty snack rack!
437
00:16:20,312 --> 00:16:21,730
Uh-oh! And then my
boob popped out.
438
00:16:22,022 --> 00:16:23,190
Yes! Which one?
439
00:16:23,482 --> 00:16:24,191
The bad one. The right.
Uh-oh. The left.
440
00:16:25,901 --> 00:16:26,860
To me, they're both horrible.
441
00:16:27,152 --> 00:16:28,195
Keep going.
Keep going. Keep going.
442
00:16:28,487 --> 00:16:30,197
Okay, so then I tried to pull off
a magazine to cover my boob,
443
00:16:30,489 --> 00:16:32,199
and it's "Bride Weekly"!
444
00:16:32,491 --> 00:16:34,034
What?
Yikes on bikes!
445
00:16:34,326 --> 00:16:36,119
Yikes, yikes,
yikes, yikes, yikes.
446
00:16:36,411 --> 00:16:37,162
Oh, I have missed these stories.
447
00:16:37,454 --> 00:16:38,580
I miss Pete.
448
00:16:45,420 --> 00:16:47,339
Oh.
449
00:16:47,631 --> 00:16:48,298
You really...
you really like him.
450
00:16:48,590 --> 00:16:49,341
Mm-hmm.
451
00:16:52,260 --> 00:16:54,137
What's wrong, honey?
You're not eating.
452
00:16:54,429 --> 00:16:55,305
Nothing.
453
00:16:56,723 --> 00:16:57,349
Oh.
454
00:16:59,267 --> 00:17:01,686
You're just rolling
your sausage around.
455
00:17:01,978 --> 00:17:03,438
Yeah.
456
00:17:03,730 --> 00:17:05,690
Hey. Hey, Serbians.
457
00:17:05,982 --> 00:17:08,944
Okay. So it's me,
sincerity Jane,
458
00:17:09,236 --> 00:17:10,654
and I'd just like to say a few
459
00:17:10,946 --> 00:17:13,573
heartfelt words to my Dad
on his big day.
460
00:17:13,865 --> 00:17:15,992
So here we go.
461
00:17:16,284 --> 00:17:19,287
Are... You...
Ready to get wet?
462
00:17:19,579 --> 00:17:19,955
Oh, my God.
She's doing it.
463
00:17:21,748 --> 00:17:22,958
She's going full Gallagher.
464
00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:24,876
Ah!
465
00:17:25,168 --> 00:17:26,545
Ha ha ha!
466
00:17:26,836 --> 00:17:30,465
Okay! Here we go!
Stop, stop! Attention!
467
00:17:30,757 --> 00:17:31,967
Attention, everybody.
I have something to say.
468
00:17:32,259 --> 00:17:33,218
Sorry. I'm sorry.
469
00:17:33,510 --> 00:17:33,885
I have an announcement to make.
470
00:17:36,763 --> 00:17:38,098
Alex Kerkovich and I
are dating again.
471
00:17:39,599 --> 00:17:41,226
That's right.
472
00:17:41,518 --> 00:17:44,646
The guy she left at the altar
is back on the scene.
473
00:17:44,938 --> 00:17:47,190
But you shouldn't look
at me as a victim. No. No.
474
00:17:47,482 --> 00:17:49,234
You should only look at the
ladies that I was with
475
00:17:49,526 --> 00:17:51,027
while Alex and I were
broken up as victims...
476
00:17:51,987 --> 00:17:52,946
Of good sex.
477
00:17:54,906 --> 00:17:56,032
Now I know all you have opinions
478
00:17:56,324 --> 00:17:56,950
about us getting back together,
479
00:17:57,242 --> 00:17:57,742
but it doesn't matter.
480
00:17:59,619 --> 00:18:01,288
Because Alex is okay with it,
481
00:18:02,581 --> 00:18:03,665
and so am I.
482
00:18:05,375 --> 00:18:06,585
I'm all in.
483
00:18:06,876 --> 00:18:07,669
Aw!
484
00:18:09,838 --> 00:18:11,840
Aw!
485
00:18:12,132 --> 00:18:14,259
Riveting cameo from Dave Rose.
486
00:18:14,551 --> 00:18:15,635
Oh.
487
00:18:15,927 --> 00:18:16,761
Now back to my thing.
488
00:18:17,053 --> 00:18:18,263
Dad, this is for you.
489
00:18:21,808 --> 00:18:22,475
Aah!
490
00:18:24,269 --> 00:18:24,769
Oh!
491
00:18:26,646 --> 00:18:27,397
Babe?
492
00:18:28,481 --> 00:18:30,150
Are you okay?
Hmm?
493
00:18:32,777 --> 00:18:34,112
Did he laugh?
494
00:18:39,576 --> 00:18:40,660
Honey, are you al...
Are you all right?
495
00:18:40,952 --> 00:18:42,078
I'm fine.
496
00:18:42,370 --> 00:18:45,290
That was the funniest thing.
497
00:18:53,006 --> 00:18:54,424
Knock, knock, knock.
498
00:18:54,716 --> 00:18:56,551
Hey, Pen, you still feeling bad?
499
00:18:56,843 --> 00:18:59,304
Well, I've got something
that is just what the...
500
00:19:00,221 --> 00:19:02,724
Damn it, Pete!
501
00:19:03,016 --> 00:19:04,434
I was gonna say "just what the
doctor ordered," and then you enter.
502
00:19:04,726 --> 00:19:06,227
Pete, what are you doing here?
503
00:19:06,519 --> 00:19:07,812
Penny, I, uh, I just want...
504
00:19:08,104 --> 00:19:11,900
Look, Pen, I felt bad
that you felt bad,
505
00:19:12,192 --> 00:19:14,152
so I found Pete and I told him,
506
00:19:14,444 --> 00:19:16,613
"Don't be upset
over some stupid list.
507
00:19:16,905 --> 00:19:19,115
"In fact, that means
she likes you more."
508
00:19:19,407 --> 00:19:19,949
The greater the guy,
the longer the list.
509
00:19:22,911 --> 00:19:24,037
Hmm?
510
00:19:25,622 --> 00:19:27,916
What is that, Pete?
511
00:19:28,208 --> 00:19:29,000
We finish with the low five.
512
00:19:29,292 --> 00:19:30,251
Give me the list.
513
00:19:30,543 --> 00:19:31,586
Oh, I'm sorry.
Let's go.
514
00:19:32,671 --> 00:19:34,047
Quite a looker.
515
00:19:34,339 --> 00:19:35,048
Not much of a cooker, Pen.
516
00:19:35,340 --> 00:19:37,258
Oh, my gosh.
517
00:19:37,550 --> 00:19:40,887
"Max's faults,
as of November 8, 2001.
518
00:19:41,179 --> 00:19:42,889
"One... meatball
sub consumption
519
00:19:43,181 --> 00:19:45,433
"is bordering on
a medical issue.
520
00:19:45,725 --> 00:19:47,977
"Two... once during sex,
521
00:19:48,269 --> 00:19:50,647
"I heard him whisper,
this is not what I want."
522
00:19:50,939 --> 00:19:52,649
It was a whisper,
but it felt like a shout.
523
00:19:52,941 --> 00:19:55,068
"Three... he has
Bea Arthur's body."
524
00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:56,277
Well, that's...
I mean, that's...
525
00:19:56,569 --> 00:19:57,612
He really does.
526
00:19:57,904 --> 00:20:00,031
And I think we've heard
enough for one day.
527
00:20:00,323 --> 00:20:00,782
I'm gonna let you
take this one home, Pete.
528
00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:03,159
Thanks, Maude.
529
00:20:04,744 --> 00:20:06,496
Penny, I, um,
530
00:20:06,788 --> 00:20:07,580
I'm sorry I freaked out,
531
00:20:09,124 --> 00:20:09,791
but you're just a little weird.
532
00:20:12,168 --> 00:20:13,503
But I like
that you're a little weird.
533
00:20:13,795 --> 00:20:15,255
Aw.
534
00:20:15,547 --> 00:20:17,132
And you're right. My nipples
are a quarter inch too low.
535
00:20:17,424 --> 00:20:18,299
They just are.
536
00:20:18,591 --> 00:20:19,843
Facts are facts.
Yeah.
537
00:20:20,135 --> 00:20:21,636
Did you just say your nerps
are a quarter inch too low?
538
00:20:22,721 --> 00:20:23,680
Show him.
539
00:20:23,972 --> 00:20:24,764
Um...
540
00:20:25,056 --> 00:20:26,182
All right.
541
00:20:26,474 --> 00:20:27,392
Tell me when to stop.
542
00:20:29,102 --> 00:20:30,019
Stop.
543
00:20:30,311 --> 00:20:31,020
Mmm.
Mmm?
544
00:20:31,730 --> 00:20:33,440
There they are.
545
00:20:33,732 --> 00:20:34,524
Whoa. That is not
a quarter inch.
546
00:20:34,816 --> 00:20:35,316
I love 'em.
547
00:20:37,026 --> 00:20:38,069
Thank you.
Yeah.
548
00:20:38,361 --> 00:20:39,195
Thank you.
Mmm.
549
00:20:47,829 --> 00:20:49,914
What? No.
550
00:20:51,583 --> 00:20:53,042
Jimmy dumped Nicole?
551
00:20:53,793 --> 00:20:54,461
Why?
552
00:20:56,129 --> 00:20:57,464
Oh, come on.
That's not fair, Pen.
553
00:20:57,756 --> 00:20:58,882
She is not actually crazy.
554
00:20:59,174 --> 00:21:02,051
She's, like,
crazy, stupid, love crazy,
555
00:21:02,343 --> 00:21:04,679
not like people who loved
"Crazy, Stupid, Love" crazy.
556
00:21:04,971 --> 00:21:06,431
I mean, she's not a psycho.
557
00:21:08,641 --> 00:21:10,602
I don't know.
558
00:21:10,894 --> 00:21:12,937
I have to agree to
disagree with you there.
559
00:21:13,229 --> 00:21:15,648
If that guy is gonna walk
around his apartment naked
560
00:21:15,940 --> 00:21:18,610
for an hour and a half
without realizing at all
561
00:21:18,902 --> 00:21:19,569
that there was
anyone else there?
562
00:21:19,861 --> 00:21:21,154
Pfft! Come on.
563
00:21:21,446 --> 00:21:22,238
That's on him.
Hello, Max.
564
00:21:22,530 --> 00:21:23,198
Aah!
565
00:21:24,908 --> 00:21:26,785
Oh, my God.
You're insane,
566
00:21:27,076 --> 00:21:28,578
and I love it, and I want
to party with you forever.
567
00:21:28,870 --> 00:21:29,662
Yay!
39950
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