Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen,

friends and family,

pity invitees,

are you ready to get your bar mitzvah on?

Well, then please join me in welcoming to the stage,

he entered a boy but will be leaving a...

"Entered a boy" doesn't sound great.

He came in a... Still not great.

Let's just welcome to the stage, Mr. Benjamin Feldman!

So, Max is a bar mitzvah emcee now?

I think they prefer to be called bar mitzvah hype guys.

I believe it's pronounced chype guys.

I did not know that this was a job.

Well, Max leads the league in having jobs

you didn't know were jobs. Mmm.

Remember when he was a salad bar back?

Yeah, that was right before he was a funeral seat filler.

Oh, Kevin.

Oh, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.

Oh, Devin!

Devin, Devin, Devin.

Oh, Max is bad at most things he does.

I can't believe I gifted him with my virginity.

Oh. You know, he's actually pretty great out there.

Okay, everybody, ready for the dreidel spin!

♪ Tonight, tonight ♪

Yeah! Okay.

Yes and yes and yes and yes.

Guys, This food is so good.

From now on, Alex is keeping it kosh!

Al, what are you doing? Max said we could only come

as long as we didn't eat anything, talk to anyone,

or flirt with the cute rabbi who drives a Ferrari

and chants like a Jewish angel.

You have done all of those things.

He drives a 'rari and sings like a damn angel.

Plus, I have always wanted to marry a Jewish guy.

They're just, like, so cool,

with their leather jackets and their jeans

and their ability to turn jukeboxes on and off

just by punching them.

Okay, I'm just describing The Fonz.

You know, I always thought I'd end up with a Jewish guy

until I met this chocolate anaconda.

Ay! Oh! Me?

I think Brad's out there.

Oh! Whoa! Oh! Whoa! Oh!

Whoa! Whoa!

You know, those two are pretty good together.

Speaking of good together, you know what would be great with this blintz?

Bacon.

Al, if you're keeping it kosh, you can't have bacon.

Even on my cheat days?

There are no cheat days. Ham?

Still, no. Okay.

I think I know the answer, but what about bacon bits?

It says bacon in the name.

You have an eating disorder.

Can I still stay friends with my pig friends?

Yes, of course. Of course.

Pig friends?

You and Dave should come out with us tonight.

Brad got tickets to one of those hologram concerts.

Hologram Graham Nash is opening

for Hologram Hall & Oates.

Well, actually, it's Hologram Hall,

but real-live Oates.

Uh, we'd love to, but we kinda got a lot going on.

Yeah. I can see that.

As a matter of fact,

Dave and I have a pretty juicy date night planned.

Ooh! Yeah.

My fruit guy, Farique, hooked us up

with some next-level dates,

so, we're gonna stay inside and house those bad boys.

Well, got to go dump out.

Yes!

So,

seems like you and Dave are getting comfortable again

pretty quick.

What's wrong with that?

Pumpkin, I just don't want things to end up

the way they did last time for you two.

I'm worried you're falling back into old patterns.

I mean, you got to mix it up a little, like Brad and I do.

I'm gonna need to see your license, registration,

and proof of penis.

This is outrageous.

I'm writing down your vag number.

It's number one.

Yeah, it is.

Ee! Oh, snap.

It's the real po-po.

Excuse me, miss. Wait. Babe?

Babe? Babe! Miss?

Turns out those cops were just another couple,

had their own thing going on.

Okay, I appreciate your concern but Dave and I are fine.

Okay, we've got plenty of romance in our relationship.

False alarm.

Oh, well. Something to look forward to.

Oh! Actually, false alarm on the false alarm.

See ya in 25 to 30.

Yes!

I get it. We're gross.

Yeah.

So you know that super sweet guy

I met at the bar mitzvah? Mmm-hmm.

Turns out he wasn't just a little on the short side

with a hipster mustache.

He's 13 and actually tall for his age.

Oh, I guess 5772 isn't gonna be the year of Penny, either.

Why is he sending you pictures of his teeth?

Because he just got his braces off.

It's like, okay, Eli, we get that you're fired up,

but act like you've been there.

Mmm-hmm. Speaking of bar mitzvahs,

how awesome were Max and I yesterday?

Mmm!

I mean, people were hanging on our every move.

It was like a scene out of Magic Mike,

not that I would know.

Oh, my God. I just had the best idea.

Buy Magic Mike on Blu-ray?

No. Well, maybe. But no.

You two should team up and hype bar mitzvahs together.

I don't know.

I mean, I'd have to think about it because I only

really, really, really, really, really wanna do it.

Look, Brad, you're a good kid,

but I hype alone.

Max, everyone at the party was talking about you two.

If you team up, I bet I could get you a ton of work.

You will be the hottest mixed race dance crew

since Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat.

He was Persian.

Sure. What the hell!

Max!

You beautiful bastard. You will not regret it.

But you are gonna have to work.

I'm talking early mornings, late nights, Right.

On-time afternoons. Okay.

You're gonna have to eat, breathe, dream, and sleep... Right.

...every single move that I teach you,

and then, even then

I can't be assured that you're gonna get it.

Well, you got it.

It's possible I oversold how hard this would be.

Yeah. Oh, and check this out.

I've been working on that spin move you've been doing.

Dreidel... No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

That's my signature move.

No one does the Dreidel spin except DJ Dikembe Mutombo.

Wait. Why is your name DJ Dikembe Mutombo?

Because no one doesn't dance

in Mutombo's house.

Not only do I love that,

but it makes me hate your regular voice

and non-Mutombo persona.

It's for his older brother.

The bar mitzvah boy's older brother.

What? Ugh.

Yeah. The minute I said it, I realized,

the older brother's gonna wanna see more cleave.

Um... Mmm-mmm. Huh?

Uh... Mmm.

What is that move? Ooh. Oh, boy.

Just need the right angle. It's all about the angle.

Okay, well, that's a rough angle.

Hey, Al, I got some pretty sick puzzles here!

You wanna go with Amish country, which is 300 pieces,

or Mount Rushmore, which is...

...one piece? I bought a place mat.

Yoo-hoo.

What you doing?

I thought we could repaint the room.

And if that happens to lead

to us playfully flicking paint at each other

and then making passionate love on the floor, then so be it.

How long have you been inhaling these paint fumes?

Long enough.

Okay. Just gonna open a window.

I think you should open your pants window.

Come on! Let's have fun!

Ahhh!

Oh, God! It's in my eyes! Oh! Ahhh!

My lasiks!

Oh!

My Asics!

Wait! Come back!

I also have the pottery wheel from Ghost.

Ooh.

Maybe I should open a window.

Don't be shy. Daddy's got to carbo load.

Enjoy the mashed potato.

Maybe this was a mistake.

What if I can't hype them up?

What if they find out I'm not Jewish?

Dude, I told them you were Ethiopian.

And relax. White people love black people.

Why do you think we've been wholesale ripping off your culture for decades?

It's out of love.

And greed. But mostly love.

Of money.

It's go time!

All right, everybody! Okay.

It's time to put down that challah.

And get ready to holla.

For Boyz II Menorah!

♪ So shy, don't cry Hide it away

♪ Like a little wallflower

♪ In the shadows of day Whoa!

♪ Now I'm all about Stepping out into the light

♪ Tonight

You missed.

♪ Tonight ♪

Oh! Look at that man move!

This is some good material for the ol' buzz bank.

You are not like other married couples I see on TV.

From the gentleman at the bar.

Ooh!

Oh! Hello.

Not him. Him.

Yeah, that makes more sense.

I don't get it. What is it about me?

I am like Jewish boy crack.

Well, you're a goy with vaguely Semitic looks

who gives off a real strong vibe

that you know your way around a Handrew Jackson.

Jane! You're making me blush!

Ha! Yeah! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Good! Good! Good! Good!

Ah! Ah! Good!

I got a mashed potato cramp.

Oi! Oi! Ahhh!

Excuse me. Party starter coming through.

Yeah! Phew!

Whoo!

Okay, everybody,

it's time for the dreidel spin!

Dreidel spin!

Huh! Huh!

Ahhh!

Yes.

Betrayal!

Yeah! Yeah!

Hey, dude!

Ooh. How are the eyes doing?

Not great.

Not great, but the paint incident did give me a chance

to dust off me old shades.

Did the doctor make you wear those?

Um, yeah. Dr. Style.

Okay, well, feast your plastic covered eyes on this!

I am whisking you away for a romantic weekend.

Oh, Al, I'd love to go,

but tomorrow I'm getting my goatee lined up.

And right now, I'm in the middle

of responding to a bunch of nasty reviews on Yelp.

Come on, Dave, okay? It's gonna be great.

Look, I already packed for you.

Al, all that's in here is a travel Guess Who?

And a terrifying amount of condoms.

They're for your penis.

You didn't even pack any clothes.

Where we're going, we don't need clothes.

Actually, that's not true.

Where we're going, we're gonna need a lot of clothes

'cause it's overrun by Asian tiger mosquitoes.

But we'll be together!

Look, Al, I just think we should do this

when we can plan it out and take advantage of travel deals.

Oh! We could go to Florida and stay with my nana.

There is nothing sexy about your nana.

Mmm. She does all right.

Ugh! Our love is dead!

What's happening?

What's happening is she thinks you're falling back into your old patterns,

and that the romance is already gone from your relationship.

Yeah. What am I gonna do?

Yeah! Give me a minute to think.

What are those two talking about?

I don't know. They got their own thing going on this week.

So, let me get this straight.

You want me to hype a bar mitzvah without Max?

Not me. My client, former alderman Larry Umansky. No big deal.

Really not. In certain circles.

He saw you perform last week and he flipped.

Only catch is, he just wants you, not Max.

Ooh!

Boyz II Menorah is a team.

You saw him cramp up during the hora.

And he was nowhere to be found when Shout came on.

No one could get even the slightest bit louder,

and at no point could anyone get at all softer.

It was an even-keeled disaster.

I can't hype without Max.

Fine, but just in case you change your mind,

8:00. Am Shalom temple.

Destiny awaits.

Destiny Umansky, Larry's wife.

She'll be your contact on all things related

to Jake's rockin' bar mitzvah.

Okay, you got to do something big.

What is someplace that Alex has always wanted to visit?

Smurf village. Real place.

Paris. But honestly, that is a distant second.

I think I've got it.

We do a whisk-away,

but instead of whisking Alex to Paris,

we whisk Paris to Alex.

We can set up your courtyard like a Parisian bistro.

I can even make fake plane tickets

and wear a stewardess outfit.

That sounds amazing,

but why would you wear a stewardess outfit?

Well, either that or I'm gonna need to change.

Um...

She's the sexy stewardess,

and I'm the melancholy frequent flier

whose entire life can fit in an overhead compartment.

Ahhh! Mmm!

Should've called ahead.

I did call ahead, and apparently it did not make a difference.

Max? Can I talk to you?

Um...

What are you doing?

I'm trying to find a dunkaroo I dropped under the couch,

and I got to get it before the rats do,

because I will not spend another Thursday

fighting a rat for what is rightfully mine!

Do you hear me, rat?

Although, you'd probably take the rat's side, wouldn't you?

Well, depends on the rat.

You stole my move, Brad!

You knew the dreidel spin was my thing. You did it anyway.

Look, dude, I'm sorry about the move.

But I had to do something. You weren't there.

Oh, come on. Look,

if we just take it more seriously

and we're, like, a little more professional, I think...

Oh, you're gonna talk to me about being professional?

Me? The guy who took an online class in bar mitzvah hype?

That I created...

And paid for with Dave's credit card.

Didn't you fail that?

Those exams are racially biased!

When I met you, you were nothin'.

You were out on the street, doing underpants stuff for soup money.

I made you.

Well, you know what? I'm done.

Yeah? Maybe Boyz II Menorah is done. Well, maybe it is!

Well, then maybe we have nothing left to talk about. Shalom!

Wait. Doesn't that also mean "Hello"?

I said shalom, sir!

Hello, Destiny?

I think we have a date tonight.

Oh, no, no. Not a real date.

No, it's Brad. The bar mitzvah guy?

Yeah.

I'm in.

Wow! This is amazing.

I know. I know.

The only thing missing is Alex.

She should've been here by now.

Well, maybe her store was really busy.

Mmm.

Oh!

Just imagine it really busy. Just try. Ah!

I can't! I can't do it!

I can't!

Mmm, no.

Oh! Good times.

Mmm.

Seriously, though, where the hell is she?

I mean, I sent that invitation to her store hours ago.

This is the invite? Yeah.

A fake plane ticket for love airlines?

Yeah. Check out where she's sitting.

Your cockpit.

She's your sister.

But well done. Mmm-hmm.

Wow. This looks shockingly realistic.

Well, I pride myself on realism.

You don't think Alex saw this and thought...

No. There's no way she would actually...

Well, she can be pretty...

Yeah, there was that one time she ate that...

Well, in her defense, it did smell like a...

You would think after one bite...

You know, let's just say what we're both thinking.

Alex went to the airport. Only an idiot eats a candle.

And the airport thing.

No biggie. Let's just say

someone went to the airport

with a fake plane ticket. Mmm-hmm.

You don't think security would...

Ow!

Oh, but I'm being whisked away!

On love airlines!

Ohhh. There it is.

Shoot.

Fine, Jane. I'll admit it. Taking your car would've made more sense.

We had to stop for gas twice.

Hey! You can't park that here!

Keep it.

No, you're gonna have to move it.

Come on, man. It's for love. I don't care!

Come on, man, please!

I'm warning you.

All right, fine. You know what?

I'll move it. I'll move it.

Fake out!

Stop right there! Uh!

Don't worry! I will find Alex!

We got a runner!

Come on, man, that tickles! That tickles!

Hold it, Miss!

Ha, ha, ha! You fools! That only makes me stronger!

Ah! Ugh!

Ooh. That one's gonna sting.

Now I got just one commandment to y'all.

Thou shalt not

stop dancing!

♪ Come here Come here

♪ Lay me down Lay me down ♪

Yeah.

You know, I recently came into a lot of

savings bonds, and, like me,

they're gonna mature fast.

Oh, yeah? Fast enough to get me three kids

and a lake view townhome before I'm 35?

Can you be that for me, Jake?

They get bigger but they don't get better, Shawna.

Now as y'all know, a bar mitzvah is a special time.

A time for friends, a time for family,

and a time for...

Betrayal!

Aah!

Max, what are you doing here?

You think a bar mitzvah gets hyped in this town

without me knowing about it?

I just had to see it with my own baby blues.

Well, thanks for stopping by, buddy.

Now who wants to get their caricature drawn?

Ooh! Ooh! I'd like to have my caricature drawn. Me!

Maybe you could put a knife in my back.

And I'd be on a skateboard with a tiny tennis racket.

Maybe some golf clubs on my back.

Guys, we're kind of in the middle of a coming-of-age,

boy-turning-into-a-man type of thing, so maybe you could...

You know what, Penny? You're right. Yep.

There is a serious lack of hype at this bar mitzvah.

DJ, hit it!

Ugh.

Oh! Oh, you want a hype-off?

Well, I'll give you a hype-off!

How about I just take my hype off?

All right, here we go, y'all sons of Abraham!

Get your hands up! Get your hands up!

No, no, no, no! Get your, get your hands down.

And get your clap on! Get your clap on! Get your clap on!

Yo, clap is wack!

Get your hands in the air if you don't really care!

You should all care! You should all care!

♪ Now clap your hands With purpose

♪ Like you're totally invested ♪

Isn't this fun? So many options!

Uh-oh! I hear a fiddler!

I hear a fiddler on the roof!

Let's raise that roof! Raise that roof!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't raise the roof!

Don't raise the roof 'cause the roof is on fire!

Don't wanna burn those hands!

I'm sure all the doctors in the crowd would agree. Am I right?

Oh, ho!

Did I hear someone say

limbo? Come on, granny. Get up here.

Sit your old bones down, nana!

Hey! Give me that!

Guys? You guys, no, come on, this is crazy. Please don't! - Stop it!

Penny, tell him to stop!

Yeah, you freak! Gimme! Gimme!

Ahhh! Ugh!

Give me this.

No way!

I know this seems pretty awful,

but when you consider all the things your people have been through,

it's really not that bad.

Eh?

Are we doomed?

I mean, is our relationship destined to fail?

Actually, I find it encouraging.

You find this encouraging?

Yeah, I mean, old Dave and Alex never made any effort

to be romantic at all.

And you and I just tried so hard,

we shut down O'Hare for two hours.

Yeah. You're right.

Old Dave and Alex are the worst.

Mmm. We're way better than those losers.

I'm old Dave. I never make any effort.

And I'm old Alex.

I constantly wear sweatpants, and phone it in

when it's my turn to go downstairs. What?

What?

I guess we have come a long way.

And, you know, one day we will get our romantic night in Paris.

Well, we might be closer than you think.

Aw!

Are you crying?

No. I think it's just the pepper spray.

But also, I am genuinely moved.

Mmm.

Hey. Sorry I ruined your gig.

Eh. I should have never taken it behind your back, dude.

I just got so caught up, you know?

You saw the crowd. They loved me.

And this is traditionally a very hard to please people.

Well, I don't care for the way you phrased that.

I've just never had a job that made people this happy.

You know? I was an investment banker, Max.

That's like one step below Tonight Show bandleader.

But don't worry. I know. Hyping's your thing. I'll find my own.

Nah. Turns out I'm getting out the game, too.

Not by choice.

Just, what we did in there is officially considered a hate crime.

Yeah. I could see that.

Kinda ruined that party and screwed over Penny.

Nah, Penny's a pro. She'll find a way to smooth things over.

All right, so I'm gonna do this,

but after, you have to tell your parents

this was the best bar mitzvah you have ever been to.

Ready?

What are you doing?

We just wanted a ride to the mall.

Fair enoof.

Excuse me.

Okay. One sec. One sec.

Hey, yo, kid!

This bar mitzvah is wack.

I know. What do I do?

I'm glad you asked.

♪ If you wanna make your bar or bat mitzvah phat

♪ Boyz II Menorah Is where it's at

♪ So here's a few simple Steps to help with that

♪ Step one ♪ Step one, call us up

♪ Step two, ♪ Step two We'll get in the car

♪ Step three ♪ Step three Yo, put the car in drive

♪ Aw, step four ♪ Step four Believe in yourself

♪ Step five ♪ Step five Repeat step fo', ho

♪ Step six ♪ Step six Shh! It's a secret

♪ Step Seven ♪ Step seven

♪ It's also a secret

♪ Step eight ♪ Step eight

♪ It's a secret, too

♪ In fact, steps 9 through 21 are secrets as well

♪ Step 22

♪ Now we at the party Now we at the party

♪ Party, now we at the party Now we at the party

♪ Party, party, party Party, party, party

♪ Party, party, party Now freeze!

♪ 'Cause it's time For more steps

♪ Step 23 ♪ Step 23

Find your place card and your corresponding table.

♪ Step 24 ♪ Step 24

♪ Get a Virgin Margarita Or a mini hot dog

♪ Step 25 ♪ Step 25

♪ Socialize

♪ Step 26 ♪ Step 26

♪ The secrets are back

♪ And they aren't Going anywhere

♪ For steps 27 to 49

♪ Now it's time for step 50 The obvious step

♪ And we know we don't have to tell you

♪ 'Cause you can say it yourself

♪ Step 50! ♪