Original subtitles

So... Everyone's coming to our place for Christmas this year?

I thought you guys were going to your parents' house.

Uh, no. Jane and Alex's parents are going to sex camp.

Good news is, we all get to be together,

I get to open presents, peace on earth,

who cares, who cares, who cares? I get to open presents.

When it comes to opening presents on Christmas morning,

Alex is like a kid on Christmas morning.

Yes, I'm getting good at this!

Mmm-mmm.

There's nothing like the first delicious rip of wrapping paper.

The gift teases you with what's inside,

you see those letters, C-H-U...

And you know it's chutes and ladders.

Except for that one time that it was a chubby checker chess set. Uh!

Hey, guys. What can I get for you today?

I will have an eggnog,

my most favorite holiday beverage.

You can drink it any way you want.

Straight, on the rocks.

You can throw a shot of sake in there, call it a Nagasaki bomb.

Uh-oh! Did he hear that?

Did the Asian waiter hear that?

Okay. I just need some IDs.

Ugh! Carded again? When will I look my age?

Curse this amazing alabaster complexion. What a hassle.

Well, not just yours, ma'am.

- Ma'am? - I need everybody's IDs.

Some kids have been sneaking in with some fakes.

Ah! I remember my first fake ID.

D'sean Andre. 40, Pisces, from Ohio.

I got in nowhere.

I'm sorry. Uh, this is a fake.

What? No, it's not.

Give me that.

Is her name Jane Kerkovich-Williams?

Yes.

Is her height five feet eight inches? Yes.

Is her eye color frosted spruce? Yes.

Did she have to petition the Illinois secretary of state

to allow her to have this color on her license?

No. He's a good friend of ours. Mmm-hmm.

The ID. Is fake. I can call the cops if you want.

Call the cops, man!

Whoa!

You think I'm scared of the cops 'cause I'm black?

Call the cops, man.

Okay, it is a fake ID.

Wait. Jane, why you have a fake ID?

My birthday is not July 16th.

What?

It's December 25th.

I'm a Christmas baby.

I've never done pilates!

I just go to a bakery every Sunday.

Oh. I thought we were all admitting stuff.

No. No.

So just Jane?

Yeah.

Christmas baby, you say? Weird.

Let's... let's... let's rap about that. Come on, everyone.

I still can't believe you lied to me about your birthday.

I thought you were older than me.

I thought I was married to a MILF.

Now all those fantasies about her being my Dad's new wife

and giving me a bath and swaddling me don't make any sense.

What? What? What? What?

Why would a younger woman give me a bath and swaddle me?

It's weird! Yeah, it's weird.

Look, when your birthday is on Christmas,

you get completely forgotten about.

You know what? Let me paint you a little picture.

One Christmas birthday morn,

I tiptoed down the stairs

to find me Mum and Pop waiting for me.

Wait. Are you Madonna in this story?

And, lo,

besides them 'twas a Christmas gift.

'Twas an easy bake oven.

Good story. It's over now, right?

Shh! I wanna hear what happens.

You were there.

Well, there was another gift waiting for me.

A birthday gift.

Was it a sleigh?

Hmm!

Or a doll who wets herself?

No.

It was batteries.

No.

For the easy bake oven.

And boom...

My parents ruined my childhood

by giving me the dreaded Christmas/birthday combo gift.

Oof. Roof stoof.

Must've been nice having two parents.

Yeah. Sorry.

So... I sat my folks down

and I said, "From now on, my birthday will be July 16th."

And, you know,

a summer birthday really matches my easy, breezy vibe.

Easy, breezy vibe? I thought you had more of

a Dead of Winter, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo,

Sarsgard murder house vibe.

Yes.

Aw, babe, I feel horrible that you had to change your birthday.

You should get to celebrate on your actual day.

I'm really okay with it,

and not like when I said I was okay with you and Max starting a black circus.

You didn't like Ringling brothers for brothers?

It would've been the greatest show on earf.

Don't you dare laugh at that.

Okay, you can laugh a little bit.

Thanks. I wanted to.

Racists!

Thank you so much for helping me pick out Pete's Christmas gift.

I mean, this is the first gift I've ever given him,

and I really don't wanna screw it up.

Pen, this is huge. Huge.

I know! And... and I haven't been the best gift giver in the past.

But this time, I kinda think I nailed it.

I'm either giving him this book on Iraq...

Mmm.

This artisanal flight of jams... Ooh!

Or this antique fan.

Pen, these gifts are perfect... For the garbage.

Okay, that's some fearless feedback.

I'm gonna help you.

Now most people don't know this about me,

but I have the uncanny ability

to find people the perfect gift.

I'm the gift... ...whisperer.

What's the what what?

You heard me, Dollface.

I'm the gift... ...whisperer.

Gifts whisper to me and tell me

who they'd be perfect for.

Oh, really? Like when you said

you were the horse whisperer whisperer,

but ya never ended up getting that DVD to work?

Shh.

Pen, you need this gift to feel personal

but not come across like you're ready to walk down the aisle,

even though I know you've picked out the ring.

His grandmother has this gorgeous bezel set princess cut.

And between you and me, she's not doing too well.

Ya can't take it with ya.

Oh, my God! You are the gift...

Whisper.

Ah... Whispering's kind of my thing.

Shut up!

Merry Christmas, everyone.

♪ ...with boughs of holly

♪ Fa la la la la, Ia-Ia la la ♪

Mmm.

Happy birthday, Jane...

And Jesus.

Ugh!

SURPRISE.

Why does she keep pepper spraying us on her birthday?

It got in my pants!

It's on my penis!

What are you guys doing here?

We were postponing Christmas

so we can celebrate your birthday on your actual birthday!

We thought it would make you happy!

Uh, yeah. You know what? My bad, guys.

This one's on me.

I'm sorry, guys.

What was it you were gonna say before the whole...

...thing.

We were gonna say that we're postponing Christmas for the day

so that we could celebrate Jane-mas.

The jazz hands?

- Oh, yeah. - We made a big show of it.

What's Jane-mas?

You're gonna do everything you would normally do on your July birthday.

I'm gonna take you shopping,

we're gonna get our nails did,

and then...

We're gonna throw you the best birthday party ever.

Guys, I really appreciate what you're trying to do, okay?

But you can't shut Christmas out. It's unstoppable.

We're stopping it, missy, today.

Alex is gonna keep her weird present opening fetish under wraps,

no pun intended. I don't get it anyway.

And Max is gonna be eggnostic for the day, pun intended.

I'm not saying there is eggnog.

I'm not saying there's not eggnog.

What I'm saying is... There's no way to know for sure.

I really don't get that one.

There is going to be zero evidence of Christmas on your birthday.

Please. All right, I'm in.

Yes.

- But... This is gonna be tough. - Right.

Christmas creeps in.

Example...

Santa Claus socks.

No, no, no, no. That... that's not Santa.

That's the old guy from Jurassic Park,

and those are... candy cane-asaurases.

Get out and do not come back

until you have on secular socks, young lady.

Sorry, Pen. Rules are rules.

Huh?

- No, no. No, no, no. No, no, no. - What was that?

What was that? No, that's just...

That's the theme song to Jurassic Park, guys.

Jurassic Park, Jurassic Park

♪ Newman gets killed bad ♪

I'll show myself out. Penny?

Right behind you.

I love this. I'm glad we got tossed out,

because now we have time to find the perfect present for Pete.

Although what is gonna be open on Christmas?

A gas station? A drugstore?

Israel?

Pen, it's not about the gift per se.

It's about taking Pete on a journey.

Now close your eyes with me

and envision the perfect journey for Pete.

Oh-kay.

See it.

See it.

I got it!

We are gonna take Pete on a fun-filled scavenger hunt

that leads to Arcade Fire tickets hidden in his apartment.

Oh, my God, that's genius!

How did you think of that in, like, 20 seconds?

Actually, I came up with it in the first five seconds.

The last 15 seconds were spent wondering

whether or not I should shave my goatee.

Ah.

And the answer is a-big, a-fat, a no.

We'll keep soul-searching on that one.

♪ Making decorations for my baby

♪ I should've sung this like Michael McDonald

♪ It's way better like Michael McDonald

♪ Yeah ♪

Sorry, hip-hop Santa.

I cannot dance with you this year. I made a promise.

Oh.

Are you poppin'?

You can't pop without a lock.

I'll do one lock.

One. That's it.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Pete?

Havin' a little dance-off with hip-hop Santa?

No. I'm winning, though.

I heard your singing, too.

I don't even like stupid hip-hop Santa.

He's so stupid.

Uh!

Whoa. How come you get to throw hip-hop Santa off the balcony,

but when I do it with a balloon full of nickels,

it's quote-unquote attempted manslaughter?

Oh, we sniffing people now?

That's what's hot in the streets?

That's eggnog.

Are you back on the sweet and creamy?

It's not my fault, man.

Merry Christmas! Eggnog sample?

It's half-price today.

No, thank you, enabler.

No yuletide beverage for this guy.

Just some snacks, some wine,

possibly, a Source magazine.

Oh.

I'd say that's disgusting,

but I've seen you marinate chicken that way.

Now pull it together, man. Christmas is not gonna beat us.

It's beatin' me.

It's beatin' me so hard!

All right, we have a clue here, we have one under the pillow,

and the tenth clue will lead to the CD player,

which will not work

because that is where we hid the Arcade Fire tickets.

I feel like this is needlessly confusing,

like that show Treme.

No, it's not confusing.

You see, Wendell Pierce is a struggling musician. Let me back up.

Most people don't realize that New Orleans is the main character.

Let me back up again.

You see, jazz is derived from Negro spirituals.

I feel like you think this is helping?

You know what? You do the clues in the kitchen,

I'll do 'em out here.

That's perfect. Okay.

What can I work with in here?

I can do the light.

No, that'll catch fire.

Here.

"To Penny, from Pete."

A big-ass candle.

That's terrible.

Well, Al, you really cleared this place out.

No Christmas decorations.

I don't even see your annual Christmas gingerbread

"love actually" window display.

No. I threw out gingerbread Hugh Grant.

I threw out gingerbread Liam Neeson.

Full discloshe,

I ate gumdrop Bill Nighy.

Yummy guy.

This is great.

I finally get to do my birthday shopping spree on my actual birthday.

Thanks, Al.

You're welcome.

Hey, do you want me to gift wrap that dress for you?

And are you sure you can handle that

with your whole gift wrapping issue that makes no sense?

I'm fine. I got that 70% recycled paper,

so you know it's real soft.

Weak. Won't put up much of a fight.

Yeah, it'll rip up real nice.

So just give me the gift, and I'll unwrap it... wrap it.

Unwrap it. Just give it to me.

Okay.

Pick up, pick up.

Hey, Brad, how's it going?

Uh, not great. We're taking on Christmas.

I, uh, I danced with my hip-hop Santa,

and Max got drunk on eggnog.

I didn't vote for Obama!

I couldn't respect his March madness bracket!

Al, we really need your...

Wait. What's that sound? Are you opening presents?

No. What?

Well, not real presents.

It's that disappointing present,

gingerbread Alan Rickman gives to gingerbread Emma Thompson

in my Love Actually display.

Oh, yeah, that opens nice.

Al, get it together, okay? Stay committed to Jane-mas!

Okay. For Jane.

You really didn't vote for Obama?

I was being funny.

I wrote in Casey Affleck on the ballot!

Every vote counts.

Just when I thought there couldn't be any more clues,

I open up the CD player,

and there's tickets to Arcade Fire.

It's an awesome, awesome gift.

Oh. How did you know?

Well, I have my ways.

Mmm. Mmm.

I hope you like my gift.

I'm gonna love it.

Aw.

Hey, uh, Penny, why don't you go on?

I wanna talk to Pete about my fantasy soccer team.

You see, I'm thinking about trading Inigo Montoya

for Rancho Cucamonga, so...

Well, that sounds made up,

but I've gotta pee, so I'll go inside.

I'll see you then, monkey.

Love your face!

Oh, thank you. See you.

Hey, man, I don't know much about soccer,

but I think you just traded Mandy Patinkin

for a town in California.

That was subterfuge, Peter!

What I really wanna know

is what you plan on giving Penny for Christmas.

Oh. Big-ass candle.

Ah! Le big-ass candle. A classic...

If your're a sophomore in college.

Listen, Pedro,

I got Penny a very nice scarf from her favorite boutique.

Now you can give it to her if you want.

Oh, man, I appreciate that, Dave. I do.

But I think I'm gonna stick with my candle.

Big mistake. What?

Nothing. I had something caught in my throat.

And you're making a big mistake.

Happy Birthday.

Please don't pepper spray my pee-pee! Please!

Please don't pepper spray my pee-pee, please.

I'm new. I'm just trying to fit in.

Guys!

Thank you so much for going to all this trouble on my birthday.

I mean, I was a little scared, you know, to get my hopes up,

but... This has been really great.

I told you, Brad has everything under control.

Now let's eat, drink, ha ha!

Hey. Psst, string bean. What?

Listen, man.

Jane needs to open up a gift, you know,

'cause it's 4:00 on Christmas day,

and no one's opened diddly-squat.

Just hang on a little longer.

Hey, I'm tired of you telling me what to do, man.

You've got gift eyes.

Presents, everybody!

No, no! No. no, wait. no.

What the hell are you doing?

What do you care?

What are you doing? What is this, Oz?

Damn it, Max, you're noggin' again!

So what if I am?

Look, tomorrow, I will buy one of those,

and we will wear them to the movies.

But tonight, I need you on the nog wagon.

Respect. Right.

I really like this one. All right, this is one... And I like this one.

Hey. Oh, yes.

This is some beautiful wrapping paper. Come on, come on, come on.

I hate to rip it. You know what?

I will get my letter opener,

recycle this for later.

Great idea, babe. Recycle? What is this, Portland?

You gotta get her to open this gift now.

Hey, hey. Why don't you chill out and have some back nog?

You have an issue.

This is Jane's night, all right?

You two idiots need to get it...

Hey, boo! Found what you need? Sure did.

Oh, you know what? I am such a boob.

This isn't my gift letter opener.

It's my letter letter opener. Just open the...

Gift!

What? My eyes! My eyes!

My nog! My nog!

Quick!

How much nog did I put in here?

What is happening?

I got it!

Happy Birthday.

Jane still not answering her phone?

No.

I gotta find her.

So...

What's on the old schedule now?

I mean, I guess it would be wrong to open presents without Jane, right?

But Penny can open her gift from Pete.

I'm sure he went to a lot of trouble, right?

No, I can wait.

Just open the gift, Penny.

Whoa. Okay.

Well, Pen, here we go.

I hope you like it.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

A big-ass candle?

Pete, I tried to tell ya.

I love it! That she'd love it!

Oh!

♪ ...for the slave ♪

Merry Christmas!

♪ Happy birthday to us

♪ Happy birthday to us ♪

♪ Happy birthday to us ♪

Uh... Excuse me?

What are you guys doing?

Every year, we celebrate our birthdays together

because everyone else is so caught up in Christmas.

So get outta here!

Christmas babies only!

I am a Christmas baby.

Hmm?

Happy birthday.

You're home.

Brava, Penny.

What an amazing performance.

I actually believed that you liked Pete's big-ass candle.

Alfre Woodard has nothing on you.

But I really did love the candle.

And there's a very sweet story behind it.

One night, Pete and I were watching Contagion,

and he said if I were ever dying like Gwyneth Paltrow,

he wouldn't let me suffer.

He'd put a bullet in my head

and then light the biggest candle he could find

to match my big heart.

Pete said that?

I know!

No guy has ever offered to kill me.

Well, one did,

but it was during sex, so I don't think that counts.

Wow. So the candle is a symbol of your relationship.

It shines a light where you've been and we're you're going.

Damn it. Mmm.

That beautiful bastard is the true gift whisperer.

Nay, he's the gift king.

Yeah, he's a good guy.

He's the king.

So for Christmas, my parents gave me a bike.

Then for my birthday, they gave me air for the tires.

Yeah, you... you can't give away air.

It's not yours to give.

No! Mmm.

One time, my parents decided to throw me a party

on my actual birthday.

None of the kids could come...

Except for Rachel Goldstein.

She had facial dandruff.

Never seen that.

God, this is great...

To be with people who get me.

So...

What else do we Christmas babies do on this day?

Well, first, we celebrate,

then we cut the cake,

then we go out and destroy everyone's Christmas decorations.

Oh, yeah!

What?

We pay back Christmas

for ruining our entire lives.

Yes!

- All the late birthday cards... - Yeah!

- The combo gifts... - Yeah!

The impotence!

It's time to take back the day!

Yeah!

I just remembered.

This is a wig and it's a rental,

and I have to return it,

so I gotta ska-doo right now.

Okay.

Babe?

Babe!

Where have you been? I've been looking all over for you.

Oh! And you got my favorite caramel corn.

Uh, yes! Yes.

Yes, I got this for you

and no one else here with us right now.

Oh! Just a surprise. That's so sweet!

Take it. Just have it.

It's stuck to your hands.

Oh!

You okay?

Yeah.

Let's go home and celebrate Christmas.

No! No.

No, I... I'm not giving up, all right?

I've gotta make it right for that little girl

who got her heart broken year after year.

That little girl is fine,

because that heartbreak made her into the woman she is today.

I took control of my destiny.

I changed my birthday.

I am Queen's boulevard.

Damn right you are. Yeah.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

Thank you so much for trying so hard.

I really appreciate it.

Now let's go home before the riot starts.

Okay.

Before the what starts?

Uh, it'll be on the news.