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1
00:00:02,126 --> 00:00:04,629
So... Everyone's coming to our
place for Christmas this year?
2
00:00:04,921 --> 00:00:05,963
I thought you guys were going
to your parents' house.
3
00:00:06,255 --> 00:00:08,382
Uh, no. Jane and Alex's parents
are going to sex camp.
4
00:00:10,384 --> 00:00:11,719
Good news is, we all
get to be together,
5
00:00:12,011 --> 00:00:14,514
I get to open presents,
peace on earth,
6
00:00:14,805 --> 00:00:17,141
who cares, who cares, who cares?
I get to open presents.
7
00:00:17,433 --> 00:00:19,060
When it comes to opening
presents on Christmas morning,
8
00:00:19,352 --> 00:00:21,354
Alex is like a kid
on Christmas morning.
9
00:00:21,646 --> 00:00:22,355
Yes, I'm getting good at this!
10
00:00:22,647 --> 00:00:24,232
Mmm-mmm.
11
00:00:24,524 --> 00:00:26,359
There's nothing like the first
delicious rip of wrapping paper.
12
00:00:26,651 --> 00:00:27,735
The gift teases you
with what's inside,
13
00:00:28,027 --> 00:00:29,278
you see those letters, C-H-U...
14
00:00:30,696 --> 00:00:31,447
And you know
it's chutes and ladders.
15
00:00:33,616 --> 00:00:35,910
Except for that one time that it was
a chubby checker chess set. Uh!
16
00:00:36,202 --> 00:00:36,827
Hey, guys. What can I
get for you today?
17
00:00:37,119 --> 00:00:39,205
I will have an eggnog,
18
00:00:39,497 --> 00:00:40,790
my most favorite
holiday beverage.
19
00:00:41,082 --> 00:00:41,749
You can drink it
any way you want.
20
00:00:42,041 --> 00:00:43,793
Straight, on the rocks.
21
00:00:44,085 --> 00:00:45,962
You can throw a shot of sake in
there, call it a Nagasaki bomb.
22
00:00:46,254 --> 00:00:48,506
Uh-oh! Did he hear that?
23
00:00:48,798 --> 00:00:50,383
Did the Asian waiter hear that?
24
00:00:50,675 --> 00:00:52,176
Okay. I just need some IDs.
25
00:00:52,468 --> 00:00:55,555
Ugh! Carded again?
When will I look my age?
26
00:00:55,846 --> 00:00:58,558
Curse this amazing alabaster complexion.
What a hassle.
27
00:00:58,849 --> 00:00:59,767
Well, not just yours, ma'am.
28
00:01:00,059 --> 00:01:01,519
- Ma'am?
- I need everybody's IDs.
29
00:01:01,811 --> 00:01:02,853
Some kids have been sneaking
in with some fakes.
30
00:01:03,145 --> 00:01:05,648
Ah! I remember
my first fake ID.
31
00:01:05,940 --> 00:01:08,484
D'sean Andre.
40, Pisces, from Ohio.
32
00:01:08,776 --> 00:01:09,652
I got in nowhere.
33
00:01:09,944 --> 00:01:11,153
I'm sorry.
Uh, this is a fake.
34
00:01:11,445 --> 00:01:12,363
What? No, it's not.
35
00:01:13,197 --> 00:01:14,907
Give me that.
36
00:01:15,199 --> 00:01:15,866
Is her name
Jane Kerkovich-Williams?
37
00:01:16,158 --> 00:01:17,368
Yes.
38
00:01:17,660 --> 00:01:19,704
Is her height five feet
eight inches? Yes.
39
00:01:19,996 --> 00:01:22,748
Is her eye color
frosted spruce? Yes.
40
00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:24,917
Did she have to petition the
Illinois secretary of state
41
00:01:25,209 --> 00:01:27,336
to allow her to have this
color on her license?
42
00:01:27,628 --> 00:01:29,422
No. He's a good friend of ours.
Mmm-hmm.
43
00:01:29,714 --> 00:01:30,339
The ID. Is fake. I can
call the cops if you want.
44
00:01:30,631 --> 00:01:32,091
Call the cops, man!
45
00:01:32,383 --> 00:01:34,135
Whoa!
46
00:01:34,427 --> 00:01:35,136
You think I'm scared of the
cops 'cause I'm black?
47
00:01:35,428 --> 00:01:36,429
Call the cops, man.
48
00:01:36,721 --> 00:01:37,847
Okay, it is a fake ID.
49
00:01:39,890 --> 00:01:41,434
Wait. Jane,
why you have a fake ID?
50
00:01:41,726 --> 00:01:43,060
My birthday is not July 16th.
51
00:01:44,270 --> 00:01:45,521
What?
52
00:01:45,813 --> 00:01:46,564
It's December 25th.
53
00:01:48,899 --> 00:01:50,484
I'm a Christmas baby.
54
00:01:50,776 --> 00:01:51,861
I've never done pilates!
55
00:01:52,153 --> 00:01:52,695
I just go to a bakery
every Sunday.
56
00:01:55,364 --> 00:01:56,365
Oh. I thought we were
all admitting stuff.
57
00:01:56,657 --> 00:01:57,325
No.
No.
58
00:01:57,617 --> 00:01:58,492
So just Jane?
59
00:01:58,784 --> 00:02:00,036
Yeah.
60
00:02:00,328 --> 00:02:02,705
Christmas baby, you say?
Weird.
61
00:02:02,997 --> 00:02:04,957
Let's... let's... let's rap about that.
Come on, everyone.
62
00:02:16,552 --> 00:02:18,512
I still can't believe you lied
to me about your birthday.
63
00:02:18,804 --> 00:02:20,014
I thought you were
older than me.
64
00:02:20,306 --> 00:02:21,891
I thought I was married
to a MILF.
65
00:02:22,183 --> 00:02:25,353
Now all those fantasies about
her being my Dad's new wife
66
00:02:25,645 --> 00:02:28,230
and giving me a bath and swaddling
me don't make any sense.
67
00:02:28,522 --> 00:02:30,441
What? What? What? What?
68
00:02:30,733 --> 00:02:33,861
Why would a younger woman give
me a bath and swaddle me?
69
00:02:34,153 --> 00:02:35,571
It's weird!
Yeah, it's weird.
70
00:02:35,863 --> 00:02:37,573
Look, when your birthday
is on Christmas,
71
00:02:37,865 --> 00:02:39,867
you get completely
forgotten about.
72
00:02:40,159 --> 00:02:41,077
You know what? Let me paint
you a little picture.
73
00:02:42,870 --> 00:02:44,705
One Christmas birthday morn,
74
00:02:44,997 --> 00:02:47,291
I tiptoed down the stairs
75
00:02:47,583 --> 00:02:50,252
to find me Mum and Pop
waiting for me.
76
00:02:50,544 --> 00:02:51,629
Wait. Are you Madonna
in this story?
77
00:02:51,921 --> 00:02:54,048
And, lo,
78
00:02:54,340 --> 00:02:56,092
besides them 'twas
a Christmas gift.
79
00:02:57,134 --> 00:02:59,178
'Twas an easy bake oven.
80
00:02:59,470 --> 00:03:00,888
Good story.
It's over now, right?
81
00:03:01,180 --> 00:03:01,722
Shh! I wanna hear
what happens.
82
00:03:02,014 --> 00:03:03,099
You were there.
83
00:03:03,391 --> 00:03:04,725
Well, there was another gift
waiting for me.
84
00:03:05,017 --> 00:03:06,352
A birthday gift.
85
00:03:06,644 --> 00:03:07,853
Was it a sleigh?
86
00:03:08,145 --> 00:03:09,647
Hmm!
87
00:03:09,939 --> 00:03:11,691
Or a doll who wets herself?
88
00:03:12,733 --> 00:03:13,609
No.
89
00:03:15,611 --> 00:03:16,278
It was batteries.
90
00:03:16,570 --> 00:03:17,655
No.
91
00:03:17,947 --> 00:03:19,156
For the easy bake oven.
92
00:03:19,448 --> 00:03:20,825
And boom...
93
00:03:21,117 --> 00:03:23,953
My parents ruined my childhood
94
00:03:24,245 --> 00:03:26,038
by giving me the dreaded
Christmas/birthday combo gift.
95
00:03:27,164 --> 00:03:28,791
Oof.
Roof stoof.
96
00:03:29,083 --> 00:03:30,334
Must've been nice
having two parents.
97
00:03:30,626 --> 00:03:31,961
Yeah. Sorry.
98
00:03:32,253 --> 00:03:35,047
So... I sat my folks down
99
00:03:35,339 --> 00:03:37,133
and I said, "From now on, my
birthday will be July 16th."
100
00:03:38,092 --> 00:03:39,427
And, you know,
101
00:03:39,719 --> 00:03:42,763
a summer birthday really
matches my easy, breezy vibe.
102
00:03:43,055 --> 00:03:45,224
Easy, breezy vibe?
I thought you had more of
103
00:03:45,516 --> 00:03:46,726
a Dead of Winter, The Girl
with the Dragon Tattoo,
104
00:03:47,017 --> 00:03:47,768
Sarsgard murder house vibe.
105
00:03:48,060 --> 00:03:49,770
Yes.
106
00:03:50,062 --> 00:03:52,356
Aw, babe, I feel horrible that
you had to change your birthday.
107
00:03:52,648 --> 00:03:53,733
You should get to celebrate
on your actual day.
108
00:03:54,024 --> 00:03:56,152
I'm really okay with it,
109
00:03:56,444 --> 00:03:59,029
and not like when I said I was okay with
you and Max starting a black circus.
110
00:03:59,321 --> 00:04:00,448
You didn't like Ringling
brothers for brothers?
111
00:04:00,740 --> 00:04:01,574
It would've been
the greatest show on earf.
112
00:04:03,242 --> 00:04:03,576
Don't you dare laugh at that.
113
00:04:05,119 --> 00:04:06,245
Okay, you can laugh
a little bit.
114
00:04:06,537 --> 00:04:07,121
Thanks. I wanted to.
115
00:04:07,413 --> 00:04:07,913
Racists!
116
00:04:10,416 --> 00:04:12,960
Thank you so much for helping me
pick out Pete's Christmas gift.
117
00:04:13,252 --> 00:04:14,545
I mean, this is the first
gift I've ever given him,
118
00:04:14,837 --> 00:04:15,963
and I really don't wanna
screw it up.
119
00:04:16,255 --> 00:04:18,674
Pen, this is huge. Huge.
120
00:04:18,966 --> 00:04:21,886
I know! And... and I haven't been
the best gift giver in the past.
121
00:04:22,178 --> 00:04:23,512
But this time,
I kinda think I nailed it.
122
00:04:23,804 --> 00:04:25,681
I'm either giving him
this book on Iraq...
123
00:04:25,973 --> 00:04:27,308
Mmm.
124
00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:29,101
This artisanal flight of jams...
Ooh!
125
00:04:29,393 --> 00:04:31,312
Or this antique fan.
126
00:04:31,604 --> 00:04:33,439
Pen, these gifts are perfect...
For the garbage.
127
00:04:33,731 --> 00:04:34,732
Okay, that's some
fearless feedback.
128
00:04:35,024 --> 00:04:36,150
I'm gonna help you.
129
00:04:36,442 --> 00:04:37,526
Now most people
don't know this about me,
130
00:04:37,818 --> 00:04:39,236
but I have the uncanny ability
131
00:04:39,528 --> 00:04:41,906
to find people the perfect gift.
132
00:04:42,198 --> 00:04:43,991
I'm the gift...
...whisperer.
133
00:04:44,283 --> 00:04:45,284
What's the what what?
134
00:04:45,576 --> 00:04:46,827
You heard me, Dollface.
135
00:04:47,119 --> 00:04:49,038
I'm the gift...
...whisperer.
136
00:04:49,330 --> 00:04:50,289
Gifts whisper to me and tell me
137
00:04:50,581 --> 00:04:51,957
who they'd be perfect for.
138
00:04:52,249 --> 00:04:53,459
Oh, really?
Like when you said
139
00:04:53,751 --> 00:04:55,377
you were the horse
whisperer whisperer,
140
00:04:55,669 --> 00:04:56,754
but ya never ended up
getting that DVD to work?
141
00:04:57,046 --> 00:04:58,714
Shh.
142
00:04:59,006 --> 00:05:01,091
Pen, you need this gift
to feel personal
143
00:05:01,383 --> 00:05:03,093
but not come across like you're
ready to walk down the aisle,
144
00:05:03,385 --> 00:05:05,179
even though I know
you've picked out the ring.
145
00:05:05,471 --> 00:05:08,557
His grandmother has this
gorgeous bezel set princess cut.
146
00:05:08,849 --> 00:05:09,850
And between you and me,
she's not doing too well.
147
00:05:10,142 --> 00:05:11,393
Ya can't take it with ya.
148
00:05:11,685 --> 00:05:13,312
Oh, my God!
You are the gift...
149
00:05:13,604 --> 00:05:14,730
Whisper.
150
00:05:15,022 --> 00:05:16,398
Ah... Whispering's
kind of my thing.
151
00:05:16,690 --> 00:05:18,651
Shut up!
152
00:05:18,943 --> 00:05:19,527
Merry Christmas, everyone.
153
00:05:23,864 --> 00:05:24,782
♪ ...with boughs of holly
154
00:05:25,074 --> 00:05:27,034
♪ Fa la la la la,
Ia-Ia la la ♪
155
00:05:28,327 --> 00:05:29,203
Mmm.
156
00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:31,664
Happy birthday, Jane...
157
00:05:32,957 --> 00:05:33,999
And Jesus.
158
00:05:35,292 --> 00:05:36,085
Ugh!
159
00:05:38,838 --> 00:05:39,922
SURPRISE.
160
00:05:44,510 --> 00:05:47,471
Why does she keep pepper
spraying us on her birthday?
161
00:05:47,763 --> 00:05:49,139
It got in my pants!
162
00:05:49,431 --> 00:05:50,850
It's on my penis!
163
00:05:51,141 --> 00:05:52,184
What are you guys doing here?
164
00:05:52,476 --> 00:05:53,853
We were postponing Christmas
165
00:05:54,144 --> 00:05:56,188
so we can celebrate your birthday
on your actual birthday!
166
00:05:56,480 --> 00:05:57,940
We thought it would
make you happy!
167
00:06:03,612 --> 00:06:06,699
Uh, yeah. You know what?
My bad, guys.
168
00:06:06,991 --> 00:06:07,867
This one's on me.
169
00:06:11,620 --> 00:06:12,705
I'm sorry, guys.
170
00:06:12,997 --> 00:06:14,331
What was it you were gonna
say before the whole...
171
00:06:17,084 --> 00:06:18,586
...thing.
172
00:06:18,878 --> 00:06:21,338
We were gonna say that we're
postponing Christmas for the day
173
00:06:21,630 --> 00:06:23,549
so that we could
celebrate Jane-mas.
174
00:06:23,841 --> 00:06:26,218
The jazz hands?
175
00:06:26,510 --> 00:06:27,678
- Oh, yeah.
- We made a big show of it.
176
00:06:27,970 --> 00:06:29,972
What's Jane-mas?
177
00:06:30,264 --> 00:06:32,558
You're gonna do everything you would
normally do on your July birthday.
178
00:06:32,850 --> 00:06:33,934
I'm gonna take you shopping,
179
00:06:34,226 --> 00:06:35,269
we're gonna get our nails did,
180
00:06:35,561 --> 00:06:36,979
and then...
181
00:06:37,271 --> 00:06:39,565
We're gonna throw you
the best birthday party ever.
182
00:06:39,857 --> 00:06:42,693
Guys, I really appreciate what
you're trying to do, okay?
183
00:06:42,985 --> 00:06:45,279
But you can't shut Christmas out.
It's unstoppable.
184
00:06:45,571 --> 00:06:47,990
We're stopping it, missy, today.
185
00:06:48,282 --> 00:06:50,034
Alex is gonna keep her weird present
opening fetish under wraps,
186
00:06:50,326 --> 00:06:52,369
no pun intended.
I don't get it anyway.
187
00:06:52,661 --> 00:06:55,831
And Max is gonna be eggnostic
for the day, pun intended.
188
00:06:56,123 --> 00:06:57,708
I'm not saying there is eggnog.
189
00:06:58,000 --> 00:06:59,543
I'm not saying
there's not eggnog.
190
00:06:59,835 --> 00:07:01,128
What I'm saying is...
There's no way to know for sure.
191
00:07:01,420 --> 00:07:02,755
I really don't get that one.
192
00:07:03,047 --> 00:07:06,050
There is going to be zero evidence
of Christmas on your birthday.
193
00:07:06,342 --> 00:07:07,426
Please.
All right, I'm in.
194
00:07:07,718 --> 00:07:10,012
Yes.
195
00:07:10,304 --> 00:07:12,556
- But... This is gonna be tough.
- Right.
196
00:07:12,848 --> 00:07:13,682
Christmas creeps in.
197
00:07:14,558 --> 00:07:15,434
Example...
198
00:07:16,727 --> 00:07:17,519
Santa Claus socks.
199
00:07:19,188 --> 00:07:21,231
No, no, no, no.
That... that's not Santa.
200
00:07:21,523 --> 00:07:23,108
That's the old guy
from Jurassic Park,
201
00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:25,986
and those are... candy
cane-asaurases.
202
00:07:26,278 --> 00:07:28,364
Get out and do not come back
203
00:07:28,656 --> 00:07:30,240
until you have on secular
socks, young lady.
204
00:07:30,532 --> 00:07:32,368
Sorry, Pen.
Rules are rules.
205
00:07:33,452 --> 00:07:35,037
Huh?
206
00:07:35,329 --> 00:07:36,830
- No, no. No, no, no. No, no, no.
- What was that?
207
00:07:37,122 --> 00:07:38,248
What was that?
No, that's just...
208
00:07:38,540 --> 00:07:41,210
That's the theme song
to Jurassic Park, guys.
209
00:07:41,502 --> 00:07:43,629
Jurassic Park, Jurassic Park
210
00:07:43,921 --> 00:07:46,715
♪ Newman gets killed bad ♪
211
00:07:47,007 --> 00:07:48,050
I'll show myself out.
Penny?
212
00:07:48,342 --> 00:07:48,968
Right behind you.
213
00:07:51,136 --> 00:07:53,138
I love this. I'm glad
we got tossed out,
214
00:07:53,430 --> 00:07:56,976
because now we have time to find
the perfect present for Pete.
215
00:07:57,267 --> 00:07:58,936
Although what is gonna
be open on Christmas?
216
00:07:59,228 --> 00:08:00,479
A gas station?
A drugstore?
217
00:08:00,771 --> 00:08:02,106
Israel?
218
00:08:02,398 --> 00:08:04,525
Pen, it's not about
the gift per se.
219
00:08:04,817 --> 00:08:05,985
It's about taking Pete
on a journey.
220
00:08:06,276 --> 00:08:08,570
Now close your eyes with me
221
00:08:08,862 --> 00:08:10,781
and envision the perfect
journey for Pete.
222
00:08:12,282 --> 00:08:13,158
Oh-kay.
223
00:08:14,910 --> 00:08:15,995
See it.
224
00:08:16,286 --> 00:08:17,079
See it.
225
00:08:17,955 --> 00:08:19,415
I got it!
226
00:08:19,707 --> 00:08:22,376
We are gonna take Pete on a
fun-filled scavenger hunt
227
00:08:22,668 --> 00:08:25,129
that leads to Arcade Fire tickets
hidden in his apartment.
228
00:08:25,421 --> 00:08:26,922
Oh, my God, that's genius!
229
00:08:27,214 --> 00:08:29,258
How did you think of that
in, like, 20 seconds?
230
00:08:29,550 --> 00:08:31,260
Actually, I came up with it
in the first five seconds.
231
00:08:31,552 --> 00:08:33,012
The last 15 seconds
were spent wondering
232
00:08:33,303 --> 00:08:34,555
whether or not I should
shave my goatee.
233
00:08:34,847 --> 00:08:36,140
Ah.
234
00:08:36,432 --> 00:08:38,934
And the answer is
a-big, a-fat, a no.
235
00:08:39,226 --> 00:08:40,769
We'll keep soul-searching
on that one.
236
00:08:41,061 --> 00:08:46,066
♪ Making
decorations for my baby
237
00:08:46,358 --> 00:08:50,154
♪ I should've sung this
like Michael McDonald
238
00:08:50,446 --> 00:08:52,614
♪ It's way
better like Michael McDonald
239
00:08:53,532 --> 00:08:54,700
♪ Yeah ♪
240
00:08:57,786 --> 00:08:59,747
Sorry, hip-hop Santa.
241
00:09:00,039 --> 00:09:00,956
I cannot dance with you
this year. I made a promise.
242
00:09:01,874 --> 00:09:02,750
Oh.
243
00:09:03,042 --> 00:09:03,876
Are you poppin'?
244
00:09:06,211 --> 00:09:06,754
You can't pop without a lock.
245
00:09:09,965 --> 00:09:11,175
I'll do one lock.
246
00:09:11,467 --> 00:09:12,551
One. That's it.
247
00:09:16,055 --> 00:09:17,890
Yes. Yes. Yes.
248
00:09:18,182 --> 00:09:19,308
Pete?
249
00:09:21,518 --> 00:09:23,103
Havin' a little dance-off
with hip-hop Santa?
250
00:09:23,395 --> 00:09:25,022
No.
I'm winning, though.
251
00:09:25,314 --> 00:09:26,523
I heard your singing, too.
252
00:09:26,815 --> 00:09:27,483
I don't even like
stupid hip-hop Santa.
253
00:09:27,775 --> 00:09:28,317
He's so stupid.
254
00:09:30,235 --> 00:09:31,904
Uh!
255
00:09:32,196 --> 00:09:34,323
Whoa. How come you get to throw
hip-hop Santa off the balcony,
256
00:09:34,615 --> 00:09:35,699
but when I do it with a
balloon full of nickels,
257
00:09:35,991 --> 00:09:37,159
it's quote-unquote
attempted manslaughter?
258
00:09:44,291 --> 00:09:45,667
Oh, we sniffing people now?
259
00:09:45,959 --> 00:09:47,086
That's what's hot
in the streets?
260
00:09:47,377 --> 00:09:49,463
That's eggnog.
261
00:09:49,755 --> 00:09:50,506
Are you back on
the sweet and creamy?
262
00:09:51,673 --> 00:09:53,008
It's not my fault, man.
263
00:09:53,300 --> 00:09:56,261
Merry Christmas!
Eggnog sample?
264
00:09:56,553 --> 00:09:57,221
It's half-price today.
265
00:09:57,513 --> 00:09:59,389
No, thank you, enabler.
266
00:09:59,681 --> 00:10:01,433
No yuletide beverage
for this guy.
267
00:10:01,725 --> 00:10:03,644
Just some snacks, some wine,
268
00:10:03,936 --> 00:10:04,770
possibly, a Source magazine.
269
00:10:06,688 --> 00:10:08,148
Oh.
270
00:10:19,034 --> 00:10:20,285
I'd say that's disgusting,
271
00:10:20,577 --> 00:10:22,246
but I've seen you
marinate chicken that way.
272
00:10:22,538 --> 00:10:23,997
Now pull it together, man.
Christmas is not gonna beat us.
273
00:10:26,500 --> 00:10:27,376
It's beatin' me.
274
00:10:28,669 --> 00:10:30,587
It's beatin' me so hard!
275
00:10:33,924 --> 00:10:35,801
All right, we have a clue here,
we have one under the pillow,
276
00:10:36,093 --> 00:10:37,803
and the tenth clue will lead
to the CD player,
277
00:10:38,095 --> 00:10:39,388
which will not work
278
00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:41,557
because that is where we hid
the Arcade Fire tickets.
279
00:10:41,849 --> 00:10:43,058
I feel like this is
needlessly confusing,
280
00:10:43,350 --> 00:10:44,560
like that show Treme.
281
00:10:44,852 --> 00:10:46,603
No, it's not confusing.
282
00:10:46,895 --> 00:10:49,439
You see, Wendell Pierce is a
struggling musician. Let me back up.
283
00:10:49,731 --> 00:10:51,400
Most people don't realize that New
Orleans is the main character.
284
00:10:51,692 --> 00:10:53,360
Let me back up again.
285
00:10:53,652 --> 00:10:55,487
You see, jazz is derived
from Negro spirituals.
286
00:10:55,779 --> 00:10:56,446
I feel like you think
this is helping?
287
00:10:58,532 --> 00:10:59,074
You know what? You do the
clues in the kitchen,
288
00:10:59,366 --> 00:11:00,284
I'll do 'em out here.
289
00:11:00,576 --> 00:11:02,202
That's perfect.
Okay.
290
00:11:02,494 --> 00:11:03,328
What can I work with in here?
291
00:11:03,620 --> 00:11:04,788
I can do the light.
292
00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:05,747
No, that'll catch fire.
293
00:11:07,124 --> 00:11:08,458
Here.
294
00:11:08,750 --> 00:11:09,793
"To Penny, from Pete."
295
00:11:11,211 --> 00:11:12,087
A big-ass candle.
296
00:11:13,505 --> 00:11:15,424
That's terrible.
297
00:11:15,716 --> 00:11:17,384
Well, Al, you really
cleared this place out.
298
00:11:17,676 --> 00:11:19,136
No Christmas decorations.
299
00:11:19,428 --> 00:11:20,888
I don't even see your annual
Christmas gingerbread
300
00:11:21,180 --> 00:11:22,347
"love actually" window display.
301
00:11:22,639 --> 00:11:24,391
No. I threw out
gingerbread Hugh Grant.
302
00:11:24,683 --> 00:11:26,476
I threw out gingerbread
Liam Neeson.
303
00:11:26,768 --> 00:11:27,603
Full discloshe,
304
00:11:27,895 --> 00:11:29,521
I ate gumdrop Bill Nighy.
305
00:11:29,813 --> 00:11:30,272
Yummy guy.
306
00:11:30,564 --> 00:11:32,107
This is great.
307
00:11:32,399 --> 00:11:34,443
I finally get to do my birthday
shopping spree on my actual birthday.
308
00:11:35,652 --> 00:11:36,695
Thanks, Al.
309
00:11:36,987 --> 00:11:38,071
You're welcome.
310
00:11:38,363 --> 00:11:39,740
Hey, do you want me to gift
wrap that dress for you?
311
00:11:40,032 --> 00:11:41,366
And are you sure
you can handle that
312
00:11:41,658 --> 00:11:42,993
with your whole gift wrapping
issue that makes no sense?
313
00:11:43,285 --> 00:11:45,537
I'm fine. I got that
70% recycled paper,
314
00:11:45,829 --> 00:11:47,206
so you know it's real soft.
315
00:11:47,497 --> 00:11:48,749
Weak. Won't put up
much of a fight.
316
00:11:50,584 --> 00:11:52,794
Yeah, it'll rip up real nice.
317
00:11:53,086 --> 00:11:54,963
So just give me the gift,
and I'll unwrap it... wrap it.
318
00:11:55,255 --> 00:11:56,256
Unwrap it.
Just give it to me.
319
00:11:57,716 --> 00:11:59,134
Okay.
320
00:11:59,426 --> 00:12:00,469
Pick up, pick up.
321
00:12:02,054 --> 00:12:03,305
Hey, Brad, how's it going?
322
00:12:03,597 --> 00:12:05,432
Uh, not great.
We're taking on Christmas.
323
00:12:05,724 --> 00:12:07,142
I, uh, I danced
with my hip-hop Santa,
324
00:12:07,434 --> 00:12:08,227
and Max got drunk on eggnog.
325
00:12:10,103 --> 00:12:12,105
I didn't vote for Obama!
326
00:12:12,397 --> 00:12:15,651
I couldn't respect
his March madness bracket!
327
00:12:15,943 --> 00:12:17,319
Al, we really need your...
328
00:12:17,611 --> 00:12:19,655
Wait. What's that sound?
Are you opening presents?
329
00:12:19,947 --> 00:12:20,906
No.
What?
330
00:12:21,198 --> 00:12:22,282
Well, not real presents.
331
00:12:22,574 --> 00:12:23,951
It's that disappointing present,
332
00:12:24,243 --> 00:12:25,911
gingerbread Alan Rickman gives
to gingerbread Emma Thompson
333
00:12:26,203 --> 00:12:27,371
in my Love Actually display.
334
00:12:28,413 --> 00:12:30,666
Oh, yeah, that opens nice.
335
00:12:30,958 --> 00:12:33,752
Al, get it together, okay?
Stay committed to Jane-mas!
336
00:12:34,044 --> 00:12:35,337
Okay. For Jane.
337
00:12:39,049 --> 00:12:39,841
You really didn't vote
for Obama?
338
00:12:40,133 --> 00:12:41,843
I was being funny.
339
00:12:42,135 --> 00:12:44,596
I wrote in Casey Affleck
on the ballot!
340
00:12:48,016 --> 00:12:49,810
Every vote counts.
341
00:12:50,102 --> 00:12:51,144
Just when I thought there
couldn't be any more clues,
342
00:12:51,436 --> 00:12:53,146
I open up the CD player,
343
00:12:53,438 --> 00:12:55,732
and there's tickets
to Arcade Fire.
344
00:12:56,024 --> 00:12:57,067
It's an awesome, awesome gift.
345
00:12:57,359 --> 00:12:58,485
Oh. How did you know?
346
00:12:58,777 --> 00:12:59,903
Well, I have my ways.
347
00:13:01,029 --> 00:13:01,780
Mmm.
Mmm.
348
00:13:04,032 --> 00:13:04,950
I hope you like my gift.
349
00:13:05,242 --> 00:13:06,326
I'm gonna love it.
350
00:13:06,618 --> 00:13:08,203
Aw.
351
00:13:08,495 --> 00:13:10,956
Hey, uh, Penny,
why don't you go on?
352
00:13:11,248 --> 00:13:13,500
I wanna talk to Pete about
my fantasy soccer team.
353
00:13:13,792 --> 00:13:16,503
You see, I'm thinking
about trading Inigo Montoya
354
00:13:16,795 --> 00:13:18,588
for Rancho Cucamonga, so...
355
00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:20,507
Well, that sounds made up,
356
00:13:20,799 --> 00:13:21,675
but I've gotta pee,
so I'll go inside.
357
00:13:21,967 --> 00:13:22,718
I'll see you then, monkey.
358
00:13:23,010 --> 00:13:24,344
Love your face!
359
00:13:24,636 --> 00:13:26,138
Oh, thank you.
See you.
360
00:13:26,430 --> 00:13:28,056
Hey, man, I don't know
much about soccer,
361
00:13:28,348 --> 00:13:29,891
but I think you just
traded Mandy Patinkin
362
00:13:30,183 --> 00:13:31,351
for a town in California.
363
00:13:31,643 --> 00:13:33,061
That was subterfuge, Peter!
364
00:13:33,353 --> 00:13:34,438
What I really wanna know
365
00:13:34,730 --> 00:13:36,356
is what you plan on giving
Penny for Christmas.
366
00:13:36,648 --> 00:13:38,442
Oh. Big-ass candle.
367
00:13:38,734 --> 00:13:41,486
Ah! Le
big-ass candle. A classic...
368
00:13:41,778 --> 00:13:42,404
If your're
a sophomore in college.
369
00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:44,781
Listen, Pedro,
370
00:13:45,073 --> 00:13:47,326
I got Penny a very nice scarf
from her favorite boutique.
371
00:13:47,617 --> 00:13:49,286
Now you can give it to her
if you want.
372
00:13:49,578 --> 00:13:51,163
Oh, man, I appreciate that,
Dave. I do.
373
00:13:51,455 --> 00:13:53,540
But I think I'm gonna
stick with my candle.
374
00:13:53,832 --> 00:13:55,083
Big mistake. What?
375
00:13:55,375 --> 00:13:57,002
Nothing. I had something
caught in my throat.
376
00:13:57,294 --> 00:13:57,919
And you're making a big mistake.
377
00:14:01,173 --> 00:14:03,175
Happy Birthday.
378
00:14:03,467 --> 00:14:04,593
Please don't pepper spray
my pee-pee! Please!
379
00:14:04,885 --> 00:14:05,886
Please don't pepper spray
my pee-pee, please.
380
00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:07,095
I'm new. I'm just
trying to fit in.
381
00:14:07,387 --> 00:14:08,972
Guys!
382
00:14:09,264 --> 00:14:11,808
Thank you so much for going to
all this trouble on my birthday.
383
00:14:12,100 --> 00:14:13,310
I mean, I was a little scared,
you know, to get my hopes up,
384
00:14:13,602 --> 00:14:15,937
but... This has been
really great.
385
00:14:16,229 --> 00:14:18,357
I told you, Brad has
everything under control.
386
00:14:18,648 --> 00:14:20,525
Now let's eat, drink, ha ha!
387
00:14:22,652 --> 00:14:24,404
Hey. Psst, string bean.
What?
388
00:14:24,696 --> 00:14:25,947
Listen, man.
389
00:14:26,239 --> 00:14:26,823
Jane needs to open
up a gift, you know,
390
00:14:27,115 --> 00:14:28,158
'cause it's 4:00
on Christmas day,
391
00:14:28,450 --> 00:14:29,743
and no one's opened
diddly-squat.
392
00:14:30,035 --> 00:14:31,453
Just hang on a little longer.
393
00:14:31,745 --> 00:14:32,662
Hey, I'm tired of you
telling me what to do, man.
394
00:14:32,954 --> 00:14:33,747
You've got gift eyes.
395
00:14:34,039 --> 00:14:34,790
Presents, everybody!
396
00:14:35,082 --> 00:14:36,666
No, no! No. no, wait. no.
397
00:14:36,958 --> 00:14:38,085
What the hell are you doing?
398
00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:38,752
What do you care?
399
00:14:40,170 --> 00:14:41,505
What are you doing?
What is this, Oz?
400
00:14:41,797 --> 00:14:43,590
Damn it, Max,
you're noggin' again!
401
00:14:43,882 --> 00:14:45,384
So what if I am?
402
00:14:45,675 --> 00:14:47,469
Look, tomorrow,
I will buy one of those,
403
00:14:47,761 --> 00:14:49,096
and we will wear them
to the movies.
404
00:14:49,388 --> 00:14:50,806
But tonight, I need you
on the nog wagon.
405
00:14:51,098 --> 00:14:52,557
Respect.
Right.
406
00:14:52,849 --> 00:14:54,309
I really like this one. All right,
this is one... And I like this one.
407
00:14:54,601 --> 00:14:56,353
Hey.
Oh, yes.
408
00:14:56,645 --> 00:14:58,021
This is some beautiful wrapping paper.
Come on, come on, come on.
409
00:14:58,313 --> 00:14:59,272
I hate to rip it.
You know what?
410
00:14:59,564 --> 00:15:00,899
I will get my letter opener,
411
00:15:01,191 --> 00:15:03,026
recycle this for later.
412
00:15:03,318 --> 00:15:05,070
Great idea, babe. Recycle?
What is this, Portland?
413
00:15:05,362 --> 00:15:07,489
You gotta get her
to open this gift now.
414
00:15:07,781 --> 00:15:09,241
Hey, hey. Why don't you chill
out and have some back nog?
415
00:15:09,533 --> 00:15:10,659
You have an issue.
416
00:15:12,953 --> 00:15:14,538
This is Jane's night, all right?
417
00:15:14,830 --> 00:15:15,997
You two idiots need to get it...
418
00:15:16,289 --> 00:15:18,375
Hey, boo! Found what you need?
Sure did.
419
00:15:18,667 --> 00:15:20,794
Oh, you know what?
I am such a boob.
420
00:15:21,086 --> 00:15:22,546
This isn't
my gift letter opener.
421
00:15:22,838 --> 00:15:24,631
It's my letter letter opener.
Just open the...
422
00:15:24,923 --> 00:15:25,632
Gift!
423
00:15:27,759 --> 00:15:28,677
What?
My eyes! My eyes!
424
00:15:30,679 --> 00:15:32,139
My nog! My nog!
425
00:15:33,640 --> 00:15:34,933
Quick!
426
00:15:35,225 --> 00:15:36,059
How much nog did I put in here?
427
00:15:38,395 --> 00:15:39,229
What is happening?
428
00:15:39,521 --> 00:15:41,106
I got it!
429
00:15:44,609 --> 00:15:46,027
Happy Birthday.
430
00:15:53,952 --> 00:15:54,453
Jane still not answering
her phone?
431
00:15:54,953 --> 00:15:55,745
No.
432
00:15:56,746 --> 00:15:57,539
I gotta find her.
433
00:16:03,170 --> 00:16:04,087
So...
434
00:16:05,672 --> 00:16:08,216
What's on the old schedule now?
435
00:16:08,508 --> 00:16:10,218
I mean, I guess it would be wrong to
open presents without Jane, right?
436
00:16:12,429 --> 00:16:13,430
But Penny can
open her gift from Pete.
437
00:16:13,722 --> 00:16:14,764
I'm sure he went
to a lot of trouble, right?
438
00:16:15,056 --> 00:16:16,057
No, I can wait.
439
00:16:16,349 --> 00:16:18,477
Just open the gift, Penny.
440
00:16:18,768 --> 00:16:19,853
Whoa. Okay.
441
00:16:20,854 --> 00:16:21,980
Well, Pen, here we go.
442
00:16:23,023 --> 00:16:24,483
I hope you like it.
443
00:16:24,774 --> 00:16:25,901
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
444
00:16:29,738 --> 00:16:31,114
A big-ass candle?
445
00:16:31,406 --> 00:16:32,824
Pete, I tried to tell ya.
446
00:16:33,116 --> 00:16:34,075
I love it! That she'd love it!
447
00:16:34,910 --> 00:16:35,535
Oh!
448
00:16:40,248 --> 00:16:40,749
♪ ...for the slave ♪
449
00:16:50,217 --> 00:16:51,301
Merry Christmas!
450
00:16:55,096 --> 00:16:59,142
♪ Happy birthday to us
451
00:16:59,434 --> 00:17:01,561
♪ Happy birthday to us ♪
452
00:17:05,065 --> 00:17:08,109
♪ Happy birthday to us ♪
453
00:17:12,697 --> 00:17:13,740
Uh... Excuse me?
454
00:17:14,908 --> 00:17:17,244
What are you guys doing?
455
00:17:17,536 --> 00:17:19,162
Every year, we celebrate
our birthdays together
456
00:17:19,454 --> 00:17:20,372
because everyone else is
so caught up in Christmas.
457
00:17:21,456 --> 00:17:22,457
So get outta here!
458
00:17:23,542 --> 00:17:24,376
Christmas babies only!
459
00:17:26,002 --> 00:17:27,254
I am a Christmas baby.
460
00:17:33,802 --> 00:17:34,594
Hmm?
461
00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:36,513
Happy birthday.
462
00:17:37,847 --> 00:17:38,431
You're home.
463
00:17:43,645 --> 00:17:44,938
Brava, Penny.
464
00:17:45,230 --> 00:17:47,274
What an amazing performance.
465
00:17:47,566 --> 00:17:50,277
I actually believed that you
liked Pete's big-ass candle.
466
00:17:50,569 --> 00:17:51,695
Alfre Woodard has
nothing on you.
467
00:17:52,904 --> 00:17:55,448
But I really did love
the candle.
468
00:17:55,740 --> 00:17:57,450
And there's a very
sweet story behind it.
469
00:17:57,742 --> 00:17:59,411
One night, Pete and I were
watching Contagion,
470
00:17:59,703 --> 00:18:02,122
and he said if I were ever
dying like Gwyneth Paltrow,
471
00:18:02,414 --> 00:18:03,999
he wouldn't let me suffer.
472
00:18:04,291 --> 00:18:05,959
He'd put a bullet in my head
473
00:18:06,251 --> 00:18:07,877
and then light the biggest
candle he could find
474
00:18:08,169 --> 00:18:09,754
to match my big heart.
475
00:18:10,046 --> 00:18:10,630
Pete said that?
476
00:18:10,922 --> 00:18:12,549
I know!
477
00:18:12,841 --> 00:18:13,967
No guy has ever offered
to kill me.
478
00:18:15,010 --> 00:18:16,469
Well, one did,
479
00:18:16,761 --> 00:18:18,430
but it was during sex,
so I don't think that counts.
480
00:18:18,722 --> 00:18:22,183
Wow. So the candle is a
symbol of your relationship.
481
00:18:22,475 --> 00:18:23,935
It shines a light where you've
been and we're you're going.
482
00:18:25,312 --> 00:18:26,521
Damn it.
Mmm.
483
00:18:26,813 --> 00:18:28,773
That beautiful bastard
is the true gift whisperer.
484
00:18:29,065 --> 00:18:30,108
Nay, he's the gift king.
485
00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:31,151
Yeah, he's a good guy.
486
00:18:31,443 --> 00:18:32,235
He's the king.
487
00:18:36,281 --> 00:18:38,992
So for Christmas, my
parents gave me a bike.
488
00:18:39,284 --> 00:18:43,538
Then for my birthday, they
gave me air for the tires.
489
00:18:43,830 --> 00:18:45,040
Yeah, you... you can't
give away air.
490
00:18:46,041 --> 00:18:47,292
It's not yours to give.
491
00:18:47,584 --> 00:18:48,376
No!
Mmm.
492
00:18:50,295 --> 00:18:52,505
One time, my parents decided
to throw me a party
493
00:18:52,797 --> 00:18:54,716
on my actual birthday.
494
00:18:55,008 --> 00:18:56,051
None of the kids could come...
495
00:18:57,844 --> 00:18:58,637
Except for Rachel Goldstein.
496
00:18:59,929 --> 00:19:01,348
She had facial dandruff.
497
00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:03,558
Never seen that.
498
00:19:03,850 --> 00:19:05,435
God, this is great...
499
00:19:05,727 --> 00:19:07,354
To be with people who get me.
500
00:19:07,646 --> 00:19:09,272
So...
501
00:19:09,564 --> 00:19:11,149
What else do we Christmas
babies do on this day?
502
00:19:11,441 --> 00:19:12,484
Well, first, we celebrate,
503
00:19:13,568 --> 00:19:15,320
then we cut the cake,
504
00:19:15,612 --> 00:19:17,739
then we go out and destroy
everyone's Christmas decorations.
505
00:19:18,031 --> 00:19:18,657
Oh, yeah!
506
00:19:19,699 --> 00:19:20,825
What?
507
00:19:21,117 --> 00:19:22,202
We pay back Christmas
508
00:19:22,494 --> 00:19:23,620
for ruining our entire lives.
509
00:19:23,912 --> 00:19:25,330
Yes!
510
00:19:25,622 --> 00:19:26,956
- All the late birthday cards...
- Yeah!
511
00:19:27,248 --> 00:19:28,458
- The combo gifts...
- Yeah!
512
00:19:28,750 --> 00:19:29,584
The impotence!
513
00:19:32,545 --> 00:19:34,047
It's time to take back the day!
514
00:19:34,339 --> 00:19:35,048
Yeah!
515
00:19:36,841 --> 00:19:38,968
I just remembered.
516
00:19:39,260 --> 00:19:41,054
This is a wig and it's a rental,
517
00:19:41,346 --> 00:19:42,263
and I have to return it,
518
00:19:42,555 --> 00:19:44,349
so I gotta ska-doo right now.
519
00:19:44,641 --> 00:19:45,225
Okay.
520
00:19:48,603 --> 00:19:49,354
Babe?
521
00:19:50,271 --> 00:19:52,816
Babe!
522
00:19:53,108 --> 00:19:55,694
Where have you been? I've been
looking all over for you.
523
00:19:55,985 --> 00:19:57,904
Oh! And you got my
favorite caramel corn.
524
00:19:58,196 --> 00:19:59,531
Uh, yes! Yes.
525
00:19:59,823 --> 00:20:02,033
Yes, I got this for you
526
00:20:02,325 --> 00:20:04,911
and no one else
here with us right now.
527
00:20:05,203 --> 00:20:06,955
Oh! Just a surprise.
That's so sweet!
528
00:20:07,247 --> 00:20:07,914
Take it.
Just have it.
529
00:20:08,206 --> 00:20:08,873
It's stuck to your hands.
530
00:20:09,165 --> 00:20:09,791
Oh!
531
00:20:11,334 --> 00:20:13,002
You okay?
532
00:20:13,837 --> 00:20:15,630
Yeah.
533
00:20:15,922 --> 00:20:16,589
Let's go home
and celebrate Christmas.
534
00:20:16,881 --> 00:20:18,717
No! No.
535
00:20:19,008 --> 00:20:21,136
No, I... I'm not giving up,
all right?
536
00:20:21,428 --> 00:20:22,470
I've gotta make it right
for that little girl
537
00:20:22,762 --> 00:20:23,680
who got her heart broken
year after year.
538
00:20:23,972 --> 00:20:25,974
That little girl is fine,
539
00:20:26,266 --> 00:20:27,308
because that heartbreak made her
into the woman she is today.
540
00:20:29,144 --> 00:20:29,978
I took control of my destiny.
541
00:20:31,312 --> 00:20:32,063
I changed my birthday.
542
00:20:33,523 --> 00:20:35,191
I am Queen's boulevard.
543
00:20:35,483 --> 00:20:36,192
Damn right you are.
Yeah.
544
00:20:37,694 --> 00:20:38,862
Mmm.
Mmm.
545
00:20:39,154 --> 00:20:40,238
Mmm! Mmm!
Mmm! Mmm!
546
00:20:43,199 --> 00:20:43,950
Thank you so much
for trying so hard.
547
00:20:45,368 --> 00:20:46,161
I really appreciate it.
548
00:20:48,204 --> 00:20:50,123
Now let's go home
before the riot starts.
549
00:20:50,415 --> 00:20:51,207
Okay.
550
00:20:52,333 --> 00:20:53,501
Before the what starts?
551
00:20:53,793 --> 00:20:55,003
Uh, it'll be on the news.
39150
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