Original subtitles

Thank God.

It was just a dream.

Oh, boy.

Wow. I've been trying to talk to her,

but she's avoiding me. Maybe she's busy.

Yeah, right.

She never has anything going on. It's kind of sad.

We should hook her up with someone.

I just slept with her. Oh, right. Yeah.

What if she wants to get back together?

What if I don't? What if she's pregnant?

Would we raise the baby together?

Would we raise the baby as a group?

Group baby, is that a thing?

Hey, man. Take a knee.

I'm sorry. I'll just go talk to Alex.

Oh, this is gonna be so awkward.

Dave. Come on in.

Cheesy crust is back.

You gotta get in on this.

Very cool. Um...

So I've been trying to call you.

You have? Oh, jeez.

My phone has been acting so stupid.

I tried calling Penny the other day,

the lines got crossed.

I ended up talking to a guy named Chaz

who tried to sell me homemade cough drops.

Come on, Al. Let us not beat about the bush.

Let's just talk like adults.

What's up? Ahem.

"Many before us have faced similar difficulties

"in trying to interpret

their intimate affairs." Huh?

"Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel,

"everybody in Fleetwood Mac,

Marty McFly and his mother."

Look, this isn't working. My point is

we need to talk about what happened.

What happened? We had sex.

Yeah, a bajillion times, but not, like, for a year.

No. Two nights ago. What? No, we didn't.

Yeah, we did. Yeah, okay, Dave,

and Chaz's cough drops aren't laced with ketamine.

They are. Trust me. I saw God.

He's black.

Max, are you okay?

You barely even touched your second mini-pie.

Some might say I miss Grant.

You mean you might say that?

I might what I might, Jane.

Max, look, with every failed relationship

you learn something new about yourself.

When I went out with that male nurse

I found out I still have a soft spot for dating gay guys.

And an actual soft spot.

My plates never grew together.

Well, I know what is gonna cheer you guys up.

Rosalita's Run this weekend.

I think my urban scavenger hunting days are over.

Well, I would enter but they said I can't participate

because I'm too good at scavenger hunts.

Yeah. They call cops and charge people with hate crimes

when they're too good at scavenger hunts.

I did not push that guy out of the way because he was French.

I pushed him because he was moving slow like a damn French.

What is your problem with our French brethren?

I don't wanna do it this year. We never win.

We always come in second place to that perfect Julie.

Look at her, staring at us.

She thinks she is so much better than me.

You haven't helped yourself on that front, Pen.

Penny? Hey. Julie.

Hey. So I'll see you guys soon, okay?

Ow!

Great seeing you.

There were 11 more doughnuts in that box.

Why didn't I just move on?

Ugh! Damn it. Five-second rule.

One, two, three...

Penny. Ah! Julie.

Just picking up pie. Wasn't gonna eat it.

Hello. How are you?

As you can probably tell, I'm pregnant with number three.

Wow, that's so exciting.

I mean, it won't fly in China, but...

It's becoming a nasty pattern.

It's like, write a best-seller, have a baby,

write a best-seller, have a baby,

write a best-seller, adapt the screenplay.

Yay! Well, success on all fronts.

Anyway, obviously, Justin and I can't do the run,

so, hey, it means you and Max will actually have a shot.

So good luck.

You missed a bite.

Max, we have got to enter. Pass.

With Justin and Julie not doing the race,

we have a clear path to victory.

We need this win.

I mean, you coming off your breakup

and me about to eat floor pie. Please.

Better off the floor, right?

Al, this is crazy.

You really gonna say we didn't sleep together?

We didn't sleep together. Oh, so you didn't

come by my truck that night to have a few drinks,

and I didn't put my arm around you like this,

and we didn't start making out furiously...

You had a face, of course. ...before taking it to my place

where I removed your bra with one hand

in under four seconds like...

Clearly, none of that happened.

This mannequin is not regulation.

Whatever. Come on, Al.

Remember we did the whole kiss-walk

stumbly thing to my bed

and then you did that thing where you take one leg up...

Dave!

Leave Skyler out of this.

If you didn't sleep with me, where were you?

I'll tell you where.

With Brad and Jane, watching Mamma Mia!

Then you won't mind if I talk to them.

Not at all.

Okay, everyone.

Are you ready for the Rosalita's Run?

Scotty's reffing?

Isn't he a little wonky in the think meat?

He's messed up, but he already had the outfit

since he pulled that Foot Locker heist.

This year's theme: "Chicago movies."

Yes! This is great.

No Julie and a theme we can crush?

All those summers interning at the John Hughes Museum

are finally gonna pay off.

I don't know how to tell you this.

There is no such thing as the John Hughes Museum.

Okay, Max, then I guess

I just went to my softball coach's basement every day

for three summers to watch movies...

Oh, my God. Yeah.

- Wait for us. - Doc cleared us to enter.

Guess this little lady refuses to come out

until Mommy wins her that trophy. Yay!

You'd think baby number three would just fall right out. Yay!

Okay, you guys. Once I blow out these 16 candles,

I... Oh, I get it. Sixteen Candles.

Once I blow these out,

it's time to look for your first clue.

Oh, and if anybody runs across a ferret

that answers to the name of Roy, don't touch him.

Let him die. What?

Happy hunting, everybody.

Max, you're supposed to use your hands to find the clue.

Actually, Penny, I'm much quicker with my mouth

than I am with my hands.

That's why I can speak faster than do sign language.

It's a valet ticket. Let's go!

Max, please.

I wanna make sure there's no more clues in here.

Hey, man. You are never gonna believe it.

I confronted Alex.

She denied the whole thing. What?

Yeah, but I caught her in a lie

because she says she was here with you and Jane

watching Mamma Mia!

I wish. I love that movie.

But, no, we weren't even home.

We were home, Brad. Yeah.

Alex came over, we watched the movie,

got in sweats, ordered Thai food,

made popcorn, and then

we decided to get under the faux chinchilla blanket

because you said, "It's chin-chilly in here."

That does sound like me. This happens a lot, man.

Sometimes I'm sure I did something

then I find out it never happened at all.

It's weird, but it's my life.

- That sounds bad. - No.

That's just some of Brad's cute little forget-ums, huh?

- I be forgetting. - But remember?

You made me go to the video store to get the movie

because you couldn't wait for Netflix?

You said you were jonesing for some Streep.

That is something I would jones for,

especially in a lighter role.

I love when Mare Bear lets herself laugh, you know?

Have you seen Julie & Julia?

When she talks like this?

I can't take it.

So good.

Boo, maybe we should get you checked out.

Right? No? Hmm?

Yes. We're gonna get you checked out. Okay.

Come on. There's no way you were with Alex that night.

Maybe I was, man.

My forget-ums have been getting worse.

What if I've done something terrible and don't remember?

What if I, like, killed a farmer

and the ghost is hunting me down in revenge?

Do you even know a farmer?

Oh, my God. I don't remember.

Hey, buddy.

Do you know what we're supposed to do with this?

Danke Schoen.

Okay. "Danke Schoen." Ferris Bueller.

Yes. Was Grant's favorite movie.

Please. Please, pull it toge... Oh, my God.

Did you play the valet guy in Ferris Bueller's?

I didn't play the valet guy.

I am a valet guy.

I did that as a personal favor to John Hughes

because I used to park his car.

Parking cars is my passion.

Showbiz is for the birds.

Neat. Cool.

Did not hear that on the DVD commentary.

Dave and Brad don't suspect a thing.

Thank you, Jane. What was I thinking?

I should have never slept with Dave.

Don't worry. Everyone has accepted

the new reality.

Whoa. It's like there's an alternate reality.

What if that reality kept going

and there's another Alex living there?

Heh. Whatever.

I bet she can't krump like I can.

Oh, God. This isn't working.

I just can't krump away this guilt I have

for deceiving Dave.

You're not deceiving him.

All you're doing is altering his perception of reality.

It's the Kerkovich way. It's just like Mom taught us.

Flood the target. Target?

Mark, victim, loved one, whatever.

You flood them with specific details

until they question their own memories enough

to accept our stories as truth. Heh-heh.

No, but this seems wrong.

The Kerkovich way is survival.

Where would great- great-grandmammy Senka be

if she hadn't used it in the old country?

She saved a whole village, okay?

And that village went on

to produce three famous Olympic gymnasts

And Slobodan Milosevic.

But that was so long ago.

That's, like... Twenty-seven... Wait, let's see.

I graduated high school in '01.

We must see this through, little devojka, okay?

I already Kerkovich-wayed Brad for you.

If he finds out about our methods,

it will ruin me. You do this to him often?

Let's just say he's one MRI away from a free MRI.

Okay, Jane lent me the teddy cam for truck security.

She also tried to give me one of her guns.

One of her whats? Anyway, this should have proof

that I was with Alex.

Here I am working.

There is a knock at the door.

I turn, and there is Alex.

Whoa!

Here I am coming back to the truck next morning.

What the hell?

Oh, my God. Jane got to the bear.

Or Alex.

Same Alex that thinks the computer and TV are friends?

Oh, my God. Jane got to the bear.

We just have to scan this rewards card.

Penny, wait. I wanna do it. I like the beep.

"Thank you for shopping with us, Mr. Goodsen."

Mr. Goodsen. Joel Goodsen.

Risky Business. Yes!

Okay. Was Risky Business

also one of Grant's favorite movies?

No, but he does own his own business

and ride a bike to said business,

which is very risky. I can't do this, Penny.

Please just focus, okay? What does this mean?

Don't forget the egg special in Aisle 3.

Find the crystal egg.

Find the crystal egg. Yes.

Could you just hit it again?

Okay. Crystal egg. Ah!

I hope you're getting used to second place.

Justin will find the clue. His specialty is targeting eggs.

You know, three for three.

Well, get ready to eat dust for two, big mama.

"Go to Emma's Diner to avoid Saturday detention"?

Saturday detention. The Breakfast Club.

Emma's Diner has a breakfast club sandwich.

This is it. Year of Penny.

The year's been over for a couple months.

Well, not the fiscal year of Penny.

Suck it, taxpayers.

You wiped Barnaby's mind

just like you're trying to do to me.

What are you talking about? Are you okay?

I am concerned about you.

Are you concerned about me, huh?

Or are you concerned I'm gonna prove you were lying?

Because if we had Thai food, as you "claim",

then I would have a receipt still in my wallet,

since I don't file my receipts

until the end of the week.

Aha! Aha!

Wait.

It's a receipt. What?

For Thai food

that we ordered on Thursday.

Well...

You know what? Fine.

But if we used our faux throw as you say we did,

then I will still have chinchilla fur

on my sweatpants. On his sweatpants.

Aha!

Aha!

Wait. Karen's been chinchilla'd.

You named your sweatpants? I name what I name.

Just so you know,

I scheduled you a consultation with Dr. Wu.

No.

You said we had popcorn that night, right?

Hm-mm. Whenever I have popcorn,

I always get the little kernels stuck in my chompers.

Ah... Ah...

Nothing.

There's nothing.

Aha! Aha!

Hold up. That's a husk. That is a husk.

I hope you're satisfied.

Hey, how did you...?

But...

But... Where did you get that?

We're catsitting for the Carters.

I told you that.

Is it possible I imagined the whole thing?

I don't know, but I'll say this: Even though tomorrow

I may have no recollection of what we did in here,

I will always remember it in here.

We had a good run, didn't we? Sure did, man.

Bring it in, big fella. All right.

Uh...

Can I help you, dudes?

Yeah, man. I'm just gonna return this DVD

and pay the late fee.

You know women and Mamma Mia!,

can't tear it away from them.

There is no late fee. No late fee?

My wife rented this three days ago

because she loves it so much,

whereas I'm partial to karate and brief nudity.

I don't know what to tell you. There's no late fee.

- It was rented this morning. - Aha!

Okay. The egg's almost done. We are gonna win this thing.

Max, what are you doing? Grant loved bacon.

What? Can't even enjoy it anymore.

Snap out of it. You can't get sad

every time you think about bacon.

Bacon's gonna come up a lot for you.

I know.

Well, look who decided to finally show up.

Took you long enough.

You're slow, just like your baby.

Oh, my God. I didn't mean that.

I meant because your baby's late.

But I think your baby is gonna be super fast and awesome.

No. No! This is my time to shine!

Unh. Oh, my God.

I think I'm going into labor. What?

Our perfect miracle's coming.

Get your Bobby Kennedy hands off me.

Unh! Okay. What can I do to help?

Chair.

Justin, sandwich me.

What are you doing? But that's my egg!

I'm sure you froze some of your own,

but in case you didn't, good luck.

No!

Well,

you lose some, you lose some, right?

Oh! Nothing ever changes.

Julie will always be a winner.

I will always be a loser. Let's just go home.

I didn't wanna do this, but I will.

Penny, we are not going out like this.

Me crying about Grant, you crying about your stuff.

I wasn't paying attention. This is our John Hughes film,

and those two are clearly the bad guys,

one being little and blond and fit,

the other looking like Greg Kinnear,

they are so clearly not Jewish.

I don't need to tell you this. You are the assistant curator

to the original John Hughes Museum,

which, for purpose of this pep talk,

I will choose to believe is a real thing

and not the first act of an after school special.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Pick up the egg. Let's go. Okay, okay, okay.

These WASPs are gonna beat us.

To the Kerkovich way.

Dave will never know the truth.

The movie was rented today!

I slept with Dave. Alex.

I knew it. Admit it, Jane.

It was all a cover-up.

Fine. It was a cover-up. Yeah.

Alex made up a story, I gave it life,

and it was beautiful.

First, I took your precious Karen

while you were in the shower

and I planted the faux fur.

Then I traced Pattaya That's logo on receipt paper,

typed up take-out orders, forged your signature

before putting it all in your wallet.

Then my signature moment,

one that will rival Grandma Senka

in Kerkovich history.

The insertion of the popcorn while you were sleeping.

And I would have gotten away with it too,

if it weren't for Aleksandra.

This is hot. Right? It is hot.

"To get to Rosalita's,

take this untouchable means of transportation."

Baby carriages,

from the train station scene in The Untouchables.

Oh, shopping carts. Grant and I'd

go to the supermarket and play Supermarket Sweep.

You really miss him, don't you? Not everything's about Grant.

I just happen to be great at picking a winning cart.

Okay. A-bup-bup-bup!

That one's got a fish wheel. Ugh!

You gotta let the cart pick you.

This one's telling me not to pick it.

Ooh. She's got some nice ride.

But something bad happened in here.

Are you serious right now? A hate crime.

A baby committed a hate crime on another baby.

This one.

This war horse is born to run.

Yes, she is! Yes!

What a graceful swan of a lady.

You went through a lot of trouble

to pretend we didn't sleep together.

Are you really that upset about it?

No, but we're in such a great place right now as friends

and that's important to me, and then this happened.

I just wasn't ready to open that rabbit hole.

Go down that rabbit hole.

Oh, Dave, clean it up.

Anyway, I guess for the sake of friendship,

I was afraid to talk about it.

Talk about what? Us having sex.

We didn't have sex.

Dave, you literally spent two full days

trying to get me to admit...

Oh...

Oh...

Thanks. You're welcome.

Go, go!

How did you know I froze my eggs?

Oh, she just kicked. She can feel us winning.

Go, go!

Faster! Hyah! Hyah!

Aah! Go, go, go!

I should have eaten more bacon.

Face it, Penny.

You will always be second best.

People read your books on the toilet!

No!

Something's going wrong with their wheel.

No!

Yes! Whoo!

Yes! We did it!

Life moves pretty fast.

If you don't stop and look around, you could miss it.

Who you talking to? Scotty.

Hey. Congrats, you guys.

Here's your trophy

plus a whole bunch of Foot Locker key chains

and one of these metal things they use to measure your feet.

Nice size 10s. How did you know that?

I'm into feet. Big feet.

Ew. Ew. Gross.

Awesome. You're welcome.

All right, you two, let's smile for the camera.

Babe, I am so sorry.

I will never Kerkovich-way you again.

What can I do to make it up to you?

I'll get you ice cream.

I'll let you eat it in bed...

...off my body...

...while we listen

to your favorite Steve Martin banjo album...

Hmm?

...every night for the next week?

Month? Year?

You stay here. I'll be right back.

Guilt trips, my feline friend,

that's the Williams way.