Original subtitles

Everybody's wondering why I'm not drinking.

We haven't ordered yet.

And it's 2 in the afternoon,

not an especially notable time to not drink.

What can I get you, guys? Vodka sodes.

Car bomb. Table keg.

I'm good with water. Thank you.

So I just started this super cleanse

that I read about on Teri Hatcher's Tumblr.

Apparently, sugar is as addictive in animals

as cocaine. Wow.

We really are losing the war on drugs

if animals are blowing rails.

Anyways, T-Hatch says you have to give up all sugars,

so, sadly, no alcohol.

Pen, not to be rude, I don't think

you're gonna last a half hour on this thing, you stupid idiot.

Heh. Such a stupid idiot.

Yuk, yuk, yuk it up, because my body is a temple

and your bodies are stadium urine troughs.

Oh. Ah, water. The wettest treat.

Hey. My body is a temple too.

Here's your table keg.

Damn it. I'm in. Yay! I can't do anything alone.

Hey, what up, busters? Whoa.

Is that...? Could it be...?

You look a little like a friend we once had.

What was his name? What was his name?

What was his name?

Mornk? Mornk.

It was Mornk.

We have not seen Mornk in a while

since he got that serious boyfriend and settled down.

Grant is not my serious boyfriend,

and we are not settling down, okay?

We're just two dudes that party hard

and sometimes pass out in the same general vicinity.

Then where's Grant now?

He's parking the car. He dropped me off

because we're sharing this cute toggle-button coat.

Crap. Damn it.

Are you at least gonna come to Dave's thing tonight?

Yeah, I wouldn't miss it. What thing are we talking about?

Dave got his mobile liquor license

and he's turning his truck into a speakeasy

and serving old-fashioned cocktails.

Ha. What?

But seriously, though, Dave has a lot of stupid ideas.

I call it the boxer thong.

Business in the front,

party in your rear.

Guys, I'm changing my name to Dustin.

Alex, will you marry me?

Let's just hope Dave doesn't get too depressed

tonight when he crashes and burns again.

Wow.

Whoa!

Guys, can you believe this? No, we can't.

Whore's bath? Uh, yeah, David,

I did take a whore's bath, okay?

I had a one-night stand, didn't have time to shower.

So did I rub dryer sheets on my pits

and splash some water on my hush

in the bathroom of an Au Bon Pain?

Yes, I did. I'm sorry that I'm a modern-day single woman

who enjoys sex as much as a man. Sue me.

I meant the drink, Whore's Bath.

It's gin-based.

Oh.

No, thank you. I am on a cleanse.

I haven't had sugar in four days.

Well, that probably explains

the Sandra Bernhard one-woman show

you just screamed in our faces.

Round of Whore's Baths.

Heh-heh. Yeah.

Hey, thanks for staying back and helping me clean, J-spot.

Drunk Jane loves a good cleaning.

Should have seen me on New Year's.

I was fall-down mopping.

I know. I was there.

Ah... Oop. All right.

I'm just gonna get... I'll just get at this glass.

Hi. Hi.

Bitch, it is 5:30!

Wait a second. Hmm?

Who'd you have a sex dream about?

What? I did not have a...

Oh, dream of sex? I...

I did not have one of them damn things.

I think I know your "wake up from a dream" gasps by now,

All right? There's the: "Ah! Oh, it's the last day of school

and I wish there were more days of school."

There's: "Oh! I'm being chased by an outfit

that's too matchy-matchy."

And then finally:

"Uh! Sex dream."

Fine. It was Dave.

Okay. It doesn't mean anything.

Fact, you can't have a sex dream about someone

unless deep down inside, you're attracted to that person.

Um, didn't you have a sex dream about Fran Sinclair,

the mom dinosaur on the TV show Dinosaurs?

Exactly.

Yeah, okay.

Hey, Dave.

Hey, man. What's going on?

Depends who's asking. I am.

Where's Jane? Why do you wanna know?

Whoa. Guy, come on.

What is that smell?

It's my Busch.

It's the new fragrance by Kyle Busch.

Smells great.

Thanks.

Bitch, it is 5:40.

Hey, Al. What are you doing?

I'm taking this cleanse to the next level.

Sugar's obvious, but there are so many other poisons

that we have been ingesting over the years.

Gluten, corn syrup, this poison.

Have you been eating that? One time by mistake.

I thought it was my pirate cereal.

They do look alarmingly similar.

One day off sugar, and I already feel great.

Watch how high I can jump.

Oh, wow. Nice ups.

Well, the cleanse is making me feel pretty great me-self.

Hey, Pen.

What you up to? Nothing.

Just getting a breath of fresh.

Are you sure you're okay, Penny?

What? Yeah. Fine. Why do you ask?

Because you're wearing pajama jeans, pedicure flip-flops,

and you're on the verge of tears.

I will have, you know,

that these are not pajama jeans.

These are pajoveralls.

They make those?

Max, why are you trying to sneak out?

We're dating.

Why are you naked?

I think you know why I'm naked, bud.

Come have some coffee. I made a frittata.

I don't wanna settle down, Grant.

This isn't settling down, Max. This is breakfast.

Then what is a frittata? It's kind of like an egg pizza.

Pizza, you say? Mm-hm.

Color me intrigued.

Thank you. Yeah.

Mm.

Oh, my God. Dave is so hot right now.

What? Dave's not hot at all. Not sexy in any way.

Gross. Ew.

Ugh! Blech!

I mean hot as in successful.

He's getting tons of press.

Oh. You guys are being really weird.

Jane, give me another smell of your sandwich.

Come here.

Oh, that's the ticket. Hey, Brad.

Be a dear. Chew up a bite of your sandwich

and blow it into my mouth.

Pen, I think this cleanse is making you...

Okay, fine. If you won't shut up about it.

Mmm.

You know what? You happy now, Dad, okay?

You want me to drink some booze too?

Is that what you want, miss? Mmm.

You know what? Tough love, both of you.

Respect the hell out of you guys.

Please don't tell Alex. Please.

Guys, it's all happening. I am a hit.

Okay, don't look, but Colin Hanks is here.

Shaun Brumder from the movie Orange County is at my truck.

It's happening. Aah!

You don't get to touch me. What? Oh, gotta buzz.

Colin's running on empty.

I hope I don't call him Tom by mistake.

Wish me luck. Good luck.

Hmph! What is going on with you two?

We have to tell her. Oh, I agree.

Penny, this isn't easy for us to say,

but I'm not actually black.

This is just a giant mole.

Okay, no.

We had sex dreams about Dave.

What? He's like our brother. Gross.

You don't even know how gross.

It was probably just a weird one-time thing.

And now that we've said it, it'll never happen again.

Hmm...

Babe. No sleeping. It's not safe.

Wake yourself up.

Oh, my God, you guys.

I had a sex dream about Dave last night.

So did we, and it was even more graphic this time.

He made me keep my heels on.

Mine was that scene in Varsity Blues.

Instead of winning the championship,

Dave had sex with me repeatedly.

How is that like Varsity Blues?

Jon Voight was coaching us. I don't want your life.

Well, mine was disgustingly graphic too.

Dave.

Penny.

Will you marry me? Oh, David, yes, yes.

Yes! A million times, yes!

Ugh. Just filthy.

And not at all revealing of my subconscious desires.

Do you guys realize what's happening?

What? Dave is Freddy Kruegering us

in our dreams with sex.

Yo, guys.

What do you think of this sweater?

It's from Colin Hank's new clothing line. I might invest.

Stop undressing you with my eyes.

Why are you guys acting weird? Ha, ha. We're not.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

I think I know what this is about.

You do? Yeah.

You guys think that just because I'm on this crazy rocket ride

that I'm gonna forget you. Well, I'm not.

Even when I'm invited to awesome parties thrown

by Scott Storch or the guy that started American Apparel.

Ew. What? Yeah.

Yeah. Right, guys?

That... That's exactly why we're acting weird.

You nailed me. It. It.

Look, guys. Come on. Why don't you swing by the truck tonight?

We're having a little B-day soiree for Colin.

I'll toss you up on the list.

Come on. Group hug.

I'll catch up with you guys tonight. Bye.

Oh, food, how I have missed you.

Hey. Pen, you home?

I found out some more stuff we can stop eating.

Oh, and I signed us up for a mini triathlon,

so if anyone asks, we're dwarves.

Penny?

Penny?

Penny?

Oh, hello, Alexandra. Hello, Penelope.

How's it going? Great.

Healthy. A little exhausted from not wavering

from our cleanse at all ever, but you know that game. Whoo!

I am exhausted. Gonna nap out. Peace.

Oh. No worries. Hey.

Can I borrow that sweater I love?

Oh, that sweater? That's...

Oh, no. You know, that is at the cleaners,

the one that exploded, so got to get new cleaners.

Night-night. Wait a minute.

I think I saw it under the bed.

Hang on. if you don't mind.

Penny, you are so busted.

I knew you had my My Morning Jacket jacket.

Guilty. Lock me up. Ha-ha!

You live and you learn.

That's a lot for you to think about

while you leave my room.

Are you sure you're feeling okay?

You look a little flushed.

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just, you know...

It's hot in this piece. Heh-heh.

Well, turn the fan on, dummy.

I'm not proud of that.

Well, my life is in shambles.

Oh, whoa. Max, hold your horses.

Why? There's syrup over the floor.

And those look nice. Thanks.

Grant won them for me at Six Flags

as part of our marathon day of togetherness,

which also included a wine tasting at My Cousin Vino,

his-and-his massages and some light cowguying.

It was, like, the most relationship-y day ever,

and the worst and weirdest part,

I loved it.

Max, it's okay.

Look, why don't you just stop fighting it

and start enjoying yourself?

You said the same about Krippendorf's Tribe

and now it's one of my favorite movies.

Ooh! Floor bacon.

Oh, you know what?

It's just a loose moccasin.

Hello, filthies.

Look who I ran into at my new favorite vegan eatery,

Cafe Thankful. Avi.

Namaste, Penny.

Turns out we're both into cleanses.

My cleanse is pretty next-level.

I'm only eating clear foods,

and I've given up all sexual intimacies.

That's right, y'all. Avi's celibate.

Are you sure that's a choice, Avi?

Good dig, but jealousy is not a sweatpant

that fits you well.

- Burn! - Oh, yeah.

Oh. Please, don't touch me.

I'll explode like a water bottle

on cross country flight to Albuquerque.

Where's that flight from? JFK.

Get out of my bedroom.

Um, Max, do you wanna talk about something?

Yeah. Yeah, I think we need to talk about something.

You're a great guy. I love staying in with you.

Like, I love it a lot all, and I just...

I don't know, I wanted to tell you.

Thanks. I... I like it too.

And this is weird to say,

but I could maybe see us having some kind of future

and moving in together down the line

into some cool place, like a converted brewery,

that's still a working brewery. And I don't know,

doing something dumb like get married

and having a couple dumb kids.

Heh. I could picture that too.

Except the, um, kids part. I don't want kids.

Oh, you don't?

L... No. It's just not my thing, you know?

You want kids?

I mean...

I don't know.

This morning, I didn't want frittatas.

Now if you told me I could never have one again,

I'd kill you in a cold blood assassin-style.

I didn't realize that maybe you wanted kids someday.

Maybe I want kids someday.

Maybe I want kids someday?

Maybe I do want kids someday.

Maybe I want kids someday?

I definitely want frittatas. Where are your frittatas at?

Max, it's... It's a leather couch.

Oh, you got it at Crate and Barrel 2.

So you're all having sex dreams about Dave?

I mean, he's like our brother.

You had sex with him on and off

for a good 10 years.

Fair point. Good luck with all of that.

Is that din-din? Yeah.

Ever since she started rolling with Avi's crew,

all she eats is pills and powders.

Sounds like my Vegas diet.

If I take Tuesday before Monday,

I will die instantly,

but if I take Tuesday on Monday with Thursday

I could probably dunk on 10.

Has Penny told you about my jumping?

I told them you're losing it.

Penny, judgments are the gluten of thoughts.

I'm going to hang out with Avi's crew. He gets me.

How is she the only one not having sex dreams about Dave?

It's like, what is she doing different than us?

The cleanse. No booze.

This all started with Dave's drinks.

Right, because I didn't have a dream at first.

But then I gave up the cleanse, and then I had one immediately.

Yes! Ha, ha! Thank God! Whoo!

Okay.

It's the drinks, guys.

It's just the drinks. Oh, man.

I mean, I had no doubt whatsoever,

but still, I mean, yes!

Whoo!

Hey, um... Ahem, um...

Oh, right. Oh, these drinks? Yeah.

I got it. Yeah. I got it. That one.

Well, this is all too weird.

Too weird. Let's get out of here.

Let's get out of here. Right on that.

Maybe you wanna put the drink where...

Well, just a little bit. Okey-dokey.

Colin, you're gonna love my entourage, man.

By the way, I'm kind of the Shaun Brumder

of my group, so... Nice.

Wait. What?

Wow, they left?

Dave, listen to me.

There are two things I always say.

One, "Yes, that Hanks."

And second, "Fame doesn't really change you.

It changes your friends."

You're so right, Hanks.

Go and brush your shoulders off.

You got new friends now like me and my intern Beans.

Yo, man. I'm Beans. Hey.

Hey. Do you have any cocaine? Pfft!

Please.

Uh...

I don't know, Pen. I'm in a real pickle.

What, your super hot boyfriend loves you too much,

wants to get married and have hell of babies?

Yeah, everything except the babies part.

Grant doesn't want kids.

That's perfect. You hate kids.

Well, I don't know. What?

I said, what? Look, Pen, you know me.

I mean, we've made love. Ew.

I think you mean "ugh-amazing."

Anyway, there are two types of guys in this world.

One guy who makes a detailed calendar

of everything they're gonna do

for the next five years of their life.

And the other who draws weird penises

on said calendar just to piss calendar guy off.

What are you saying? I don't know. It freaks me out

that Grant knows for sure he doesn't want kids.

Or that he knows for sure what he's gonna do with his future.

So what are you gonna do? We had a long talk last night

for, like, five hours, and he's going away

to do some architecturing for a month,

though I suggested that we take a break

till we figure things out.

Wow. Max, suggesting that you take a break

because you want different things?

That is so grown-up of you.

Proud of you.

Oh, shut up, Pennis. No, it's not.

Would a grown-up do this?

Ugh. No.

Oh. They want you to put that away.

Okay, people.

It is time to take our cleanse to the next level.

Tonight we eliminate all colored beverages.

Yes.

And all solid foods.

But first, we orgy till we cramp.

Wait. Uh, what?

Ugh. Ooh, you know, I got a thing.

Mmm.

So Max, where's your serious boyfriend?

Oh, you know what? Um...

Ugh. We kind of broke up.

What? Come on, man. What?

- Yeah. You know, um... - Say it ain't so.

Actually, it's a... There... It's a funny... Funny story.

You know, there are two...

Two types of... Of guys in this world.

There are... Okay, so Grant

told Max that he wanted to have kids and settle down,

so Max drop-kicked his dinner

and then said, "I gotta feed the meter"

and never came back.

Classic Max.

- Classic me. - We love that guy.

I'm gonna miss Grant.

Oh, you guys still hang out here.

That's strange and interesting.

Well, I guess since we're all here,

I just wanted to say

no hard feelings about you guys

ditching out on me the other night.

I've been having a great time hanging with Colin.

Hanks.

Yeah, we know. Everyone knows his last name.

You know, he said the funniest thing to me

about my rocket ride.

He said, "David, fame does not change you.

It changes your friends." Oh, my God.

We've been having sex dreams about you.

And you are not a gentleman in them.

You guys have been having those disgusting dreams too?

Yes. Ech!

Really? You guys have been having sex dreams about me?

I guess that makes sense.

I do exude a bit of a raw, unbridled...

Dude, we are not attracted to you.

You are like a gross brother to us.

You're like a man to me, which I am not into.

I am extremely into men,

but ones that are not at all you.

All right. Okay, I get it.

The only reason we had those dreams

is because of the drinks on your truck.

That's why Alex is the only one who didn't have one.

What is in those things?

That's ridiculous. Turpentine.

Anyway, you guys aren't really mad

about this rocket ride thing, right?

No, we're mad you keep saying "rocket ride."

But we're thrilled for your success.

I know. I'm sorry. Hey,

hang out with Colin anytime you want.

You know we love you. Always. Thanks.

I really missed you guys, plus...

Colin Hanks, he's a lot to handle.

So it's me, Justin Hoffman, and Frank Caliendo.

And we're down in Tucson

because we're starring in the new Hangover video game.

And Caliendo goes to order

the spicy tuna crispy rice, and bang!

He falls right into the jacooz.

Classic Caliendo. True that.

Oh, God. Oh, wow.

He wants me to move to Tampa with him.

Dave? Are you here?

Hello? Hi.

Hey, buster. Where is everybody?

Oh, funny you should ask.

Turns out I may have been a fad after all.

Check it out.

Oh, rough!

Aw, don't worry about it.

I still wanna try one of those drinks

everyone's talking about or used to be talking about.

Yeah. Well, aren't you afraid

you might have a sex dream about me?

Eh, I think I'll be fine.

All right.

- There's yours. - Yes.

More importantly, here is mine.

Here you go. Thank you.

Whoa, whoa. Take it easy. That's a 95-proof drink.

Whoo! I haven't had a drink in weeks.

Hit me again. All right. It's your funeral.

Oh, come on.

Hey. I'm sorry. I said I was sorry.

No, no. Knock it off.

Thank God. It was just a dream.

Oh, boy.