Original subtitles

It's a balmy eight degrees outside.

Inside, we're at the top of the 99th inning

during the longest winter ever

and this announcer is one more snow flurry away

from harming himself and others.

Shut up and pitch.

Here it comes. She's got nothing.

I got it.

Off my hams. Ground rule double.

Grand slam!

He's been there the whole time? Yeah, he's been there for weeks.

He gets so depressed during the winter

he goes into full hibernation mode.

He won't leave the house.

He won't shave. He won't shower.

He won't even speak. Watch this.

Hey, buddy, we're gonna go ahead and throw out all your old wigs.

You know what this means, right?

The conditions are perfect

for Brad and Jane's annual fight.

You think? Yeah, Max is a bear.

It's freezing out and my skin is so dry,

it's got a British accent.

May I have some more, please? Lotion?

- Ugh. - Whatever.

Dogs, I'm playing hurt.

Oh, my God. Pen, you're right.

Are you ready for the Brad and Jane spring smackdown?

I'm ready for no more announcer voice.

Yeah, me too. I wonder what will set them off.

It'll be something important, like last year.

You don't grate the rind off the Parmesan.

You get new Parmesan!

It is perfectly good cheese!

Well, your hair looked way better long!

I can't wait. Really?

Because I hate when they fight. It just means spring's coming.

It's like our Groundhog Day,

if the groundhog was one part blond overachiever

with control issues and a fondness for formal shorts

and one part Brad.

Food's here. Sorry we're late.

Brad insisted on Brazilian,

which takes way longer than his normal bikini wax.

Anyway, we got Thai. It's called a bro-zilian.

Nobody calls it a bro-zilian.

Yeah, next thing you're gonna tell me

is there's no such thing as a scroatee.

Babe, did you forget the Sriracha sauce?

No. I got it right here.

But you only got one.

You know what?

I don't need all that spice.

Just need a little sugar.

They're not fighting. They're kissing.

No, no. They could be angry kissing.

Nope. They're normal kissing.

Bye, Brad. Bye, Jane. Great seeing you guys.

I don't get it. Why weren't they fighting?

I know. They had so many opportunities.

Brad accidentally spit-laughed on Jane three times,

although, in fairness,

Alex, your drunken chipmunk impression is hilarious.

Thanks. It's just a variation on my Renée Zellweger.

Guys, what if spring smackdown doesn't happen?

What are we gonna do with these?

Oh, my God, cute. So cute.

But I don't want them to fight just so we can wear cute shirts.

It's not just about the T-shirts,

though it should be because they are so cute.

So cute. This is about Brad moving in,

and us helping him work through anger

by letting him buy us things like steak and bottle service.

We get to say cool things like "ball out" and "crush it"

and I don't have to be ashamed about wearing

my calf-length leather duster.

You should. I'm just not there yet.

This is about douche week, and I love it.

Jane comes and stays with me, which is awesome

because I get to help her

with guy problems for once because I'm always the mess

and she's always the together one.

What world is she the together one?

She polishes her fax machine.

We hang out. We drink wine. I heal her.

And this year, I even bought us all fiowy pants

from Angela Bassett's new line of flowy pants:

Bassett by Angela forAngela Bassett.

Al, we really need this, okay? Especially Max.

Douche week is the only thing big enough

to get him out of hibernation mode.

Dave, he's not actually a bear! Unh?

In his defense,

he does eat honey like that year-round. But still.

Dave, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yeah. Me too.

I'm also thinking that. Let's say it at the same time.

Do we have to say it? Shh. I got it.

We gotta make spring smackdown happen!

Make spring smackdown happen!

Yes.

Brad and Jane are not fighting naturally. We can't force it.

It's bad juju bees. You want spring to come or not?

Spring will come no matter what. Will it?

Brad, question for you.

I'm planning a bachelor party for a friend.

I was wondering if you could recommend a good strip club

since your nickname is Mr. Strip-Club.

Mr. Strip-Club?

That is shocking and offensive, right, Jane?

Sorry, I haven't been to a boob bar in forever.

When you did, it was shocking and offensive, right, Jane?

Ah, no.

Jane loves a good strip club. She loves them.

In fact, Brad, why don't we hit up a jiggle joint now,

check out some peelers? I am the opposite of out.

In! Ha-ha-ha!

Give me your phone. I will call Taters,

see if we can get a table by the omelet bar.

Mm. Gross. Ha-ha-ha.

In a good way. Yeah.

Okay.

When did you become Facebook friends with your ex-girlfriend?

Why are you reading my private messages?

Why are you having private messages with Megan?

What are you writing that I can't read?

I am writing none of your business.

I don't ask what you're writing to Jamaal or Malik.

Or L'Dwaynian! Well, good.

Yeah? Because you do not wanna know!

Jane. Oh!

You don't know what I don't want to know!

- Yes. - You get back here!

Don't know what I don't want you to.

We barely had to say anything.

Just had to give them a little nudge.

You think it's a little nudge, but watch out.

It could be just like The Butterfly Effect.

That one little movie led to Ashton Kutcher

doing a lot of bad movies.

Wow. Ooh, they're really going at it. Yes.

Yeah. Gotta see this.

- Jane is really mad. - It's happening.

You think they're buying it? Totally buying it.

I haven't faked something that hard

since I told your mother I celebrate Kwanzaa!

By the way, you look great in kente cloth.

- This is wrong. - This is what we needed.

When you said they needed the spring smackdown,

I thought you were crazy, but you were right.

They are begging for it in there.

It's so sad that we're evolving, but our friends are not.

By the way, good acting. You really seem angry.

I am angry. I'm angry you're not naked right now.

I wanna see them things!

Whoa. This might be their worst fight ever.

That can was disgusting.

I'll wash those gloves as soon as we get home.

Oh, thank you! I appreciate everything you do for me!

Hey! Hey!

Should we switch to paperless billing?

I don't think that I'm ready for that.

I like having a hard copy for my records.

Whatever happened to Hard Copy? I liked that show.

It was a viable alternative to A Current Affair!

Ugh! I love you! Ugh! I love you!

I love you! See you at the house.

In bed. Naked.

Spring smackdown is on.

Oh, my God. Cute. Super cute. So cute.

Hey, girl. Oh, my God. How are you?

Super not great, right?

Poor thing.

Oh, you can tell Penny everything.

Oh, it has been rough, yeah. Rough stuff.

Get on over here, baby girl.

Because Penny is gonna make it all better, okay?

Let me tell you, the pinot and the pants are a-fiowing.

The Brie is a-baking.

It's time to stop waiting and start exhaling.

Let's settle in. Okay.

Now tell me, how mad are you at Brad?

And to what degree of shambles would you say your life is in?

Um, lots. A lot of shambles.

Yeah. I mean, I am so mad at Brad.

I mean, it's like, I am so mad at that guy.

That feels good to get that off my chest.

Yeah. Thank you, Penny.

I'm gonna go unpack my suitcase. No!

Jane, I see you, and I know you're hurting.

It's time to get out of those feelings and into some Brie.

Alex, Brie! Hello.

Where are the flowy pants? They facilitate conversation.

You know, I'm actually kind of talked out.

Whoa, get back here. Yeah. You know what, Penny?

I will wear the pants when Jane wants to talk,

and it seems like she doesn't, so you guys have fun.

I just got the Criterion Collection of Clueless,

so I'll see you guys later. I hope not sporadically.

Great, Al. Okay. Brad basically has a second family on Facebook

and you want to watch Clueless.

It actually kind of sounds fun.

What? Yeah.

Oh. Okey-doke, you know what?

Why don't we, instead of talking about Brad,

let's watch Clueless and have,

like, an old-school sleepover.

No. Yes.

Like when we were little before we cared about guys

and how blindingly angry they make us.

Yes! A slumber party!

We'll order pizza, have strawberry milk.

We'll play M*A*S*H. I get to be Hawkeye.

Yes. I might

put a little bit of vodka in my strawberry milk,

but, yes, that is what I'm talking about.

My only concern is that maybe those old sleepovers

weren't as great as we thought they were.

Like, didn't it always kind of seem like

maybe somebody would get left out?

And, like, sometimes some people

would always break into the sisters-only gibberish language

that, like, um, somebody else couldn't understand?

What are you talking about? Please don't do it.

Now you're iggy-hurting my-giddy

figgidy-feelings. Gadings.

I'm sorry. I didn't understand that.

Mm-mm. That wasn't a real language.

What?

Guess who's ready for the lobster mash

and sour cream bacon biscuits at the Chophouse, baby?

This guy.

Sorry, abs. Daddy's gotta live a little.

Hello, Blade.

Max, Brad's gonna take us to the Chophouse.

You want to clean up and get ready

for the nice restaurant? Eh?

You know, I was thinking, that place is so expensive.

It's freezing outside.

Plus, last time, the waitress was kind of racist to me.

Let's just skip the Chophouse.

Huh?

Besides, that pizza Max has smells really good.

What happened to working out your anger with Jane

by recklessly spending your money

on things like stretch Hummers and steak

and rinkside seats to the Ice Capades?

I thought I'd switch it up this year.

You know I love a good capade.

I love a capade too. I know you do.

But this year, I am so angry

that I don't even want that slender dragon

to get the satisfaction of seeing me rage-spend,

so let's just rage-chill instead,

get caught up on Downton Abbey.

No, but if we don't go out

we'll never get Max out of bear mode.

Why you want him to? You get to live with a bear

that sounds like Tim Allen.

See? Ha-ha!

Hey! Hey! Put that down. Leave it.

Leave it.

Look at him. He just wants to get that meat.

Hey! Get! Oh, don't poke the bear, baby.

Get! Get!

You don't poke the bear. That's illegal.

Hey, Pen, what's going on?

Oh, you know, standard.

Just cleaning up from a slumber party,

some light dusting, dishes,

chipping my unmentionables out of the freezer.

The Kerkovich sisters pulled the frozen bra trick on me,

the old ice chest.

Burn. Freezer burn. Yes. Suck it.

So I take it that spring smackdown hasn't been going

as you were hoping, either. I don't know, Dave.

Did I hope I would pee my bed?

Because I did, straight through to the box spring.

Ha-ha! That's what you get for falling asleep first.

Suck a million.

Yeah, it's been no picnic at my place, either.

Brad refuses to ball out at all

and he's been no help in getting Max out of bear mode.

Ho-ho-ho! Look at him. Oh, Mr. Bear.

Oh, he's so wobbly.

Here.

Put this on your head like a hat.

He's so cute.

Can I keep him?

Something's wrong, Dave.

Spring smackdown is not working.

I mean, we're not having any of our usual fun

and it's still so cold.

I know. Where is spring?

I don't know. It's so weird. What's happening?

It's The Butterfiy Effect. What's that?

That's so funny. I was just talking about this movie

the other night and now it's on.

Spring smackdown isn't working because you forced the fight.

And by making that little change

it's having a bunch of these weird, rippling consequences.

They should really have a term for that.

It's the butterfly effect. Are you not listening to me?

I'm the one that just told you it was on.

No, that's what the term...

Shh. It's starting.

Wow. Wow, wow, wow.

She really marches to the beat of her own very slow drummer.

Sweet, sweet, little bird. But she's right.

There has been something off about the fight this year.

By the way, congrats on those.

Aw.

I missed you, boo bear.

Fake fighting with you is so hot.

I love all this sneaking around.

We are the best. Even when we don't need a fight,

we can put on an amazing fight just to make other people happy.

I know. We're like Don King.

Except instead of Thrilla in Manila,

it's Thrilla in Vanilla.

I'm vanilla. Yeah, you are.

Oh! Why is it freezing in here?

Because you left the terrace doors open.

Um, no, I didn't. I didn't do that.

Well, I didn't leave them open.

Why are you giving me accusing eyes?

I'm not giving you accusing eyes.

Now I'm giving you accusing eyes.

I'm not the one who goes out on the terrace to stretch

because "the perv across the way needs to eat too."

I am not the one who thinks it's hilarious to go out there,

and scream "Good morning, Chicago,"

like Robin Williams every single morning.

Well, sorry that like Robin Williams,

my enthusiasm is infectious.

Well, all I know is that I would never...

Oh, my God. Bird.

Are you having a stroke? It's Brad.

Bird.

Oh. Bird.

That is definitely your fault. You're a bird magnet.

I can't help it. They're attracted to my cologne.

That's because it contains trace amounts of night crawlers!

It's Japanese!

It's weird! Why won't you listen to me?

So now I don't listen to you? You never listen.

That's because you can't stop talking.

Well, your hair looked better long.

Oh, no, you didn't!

Yes, I didn't did. Okay.

Okay. Oh, spring smackdown is on!

It is on!

Pen, you should probably check your messages.

What are you laughing about? Nothing, I just...

You should check your messages.

I'm pretty sure you got a message.

Oh, look. I have three missed calls from Penis.

Why?

Because all my contacts have been changed to Penis.

Who would do that? That's so mean.

Yeah, it is.

I need your help. Brad and I got in a huge fight.

What do you mean "just"?

The Megan Facebook thing was yesterday.

Yes.

You keep a good timeline,

but that is nothing compared to the fight

that we just had about him leaving the door open.

What? Leaving the door open is worse than corresponding

with your ex-girlfriend who is a yoga pants model

and who lists her hobbies as breathing through her nose

and competitive swallowing?

Sorry, I'm friends with her on Facebook.

She has the funniest updates.

Yeah, she, you know, upon further investigation,

is a really sweet girl, a really nice...

There was no Megan Facebook thing.

Yeah. We knew you needed spring smackdown,

so Brad and I faked a fight for you.

What? What?

What? What?

I know. It's so arrogant.

Like we have ever in any way implied

that we need their fight. Wait.

And now Jane's asking me for my help,

like I can just put on those flowy pants any time I want to.

You do have them in your purse. Yeah, for emergencies, okay?

But that is not the point.

I don't even wanna help them now.

Me neither.

Ugh. Great. I threw out an old piece of cake,

and I forgot to wrap it in plastic.

And Pooh Bear transition complete.

Look, whether you guys like how we got here or not,

spring smackdown is happening.

We need to help Brad and Jane.

Otherwise Max will stay a bear, and spring will never come.

Al, spring will come either way.

Will it? Huh?

Will it?

Why is it so freezing in here?

I don't know. Ask "Tuppence A Bag"?

Jane left the doors open and refuses to close them.

I'm not closing them because I did not leave them open.

And I am not cold because

I am warmed by the heat of my convictions.

I'm not cold, either. In fact, I might lose a layer.

Well, two can play at that.

Maybe try the other hand. Yeah.

Stupid. Let me just get these pants off.

Okay. Okay. No. Dr. Penny is gonna operate.

It is time for a little open-Hartz, ding, surgery.

I'm gonna save that for another time and place.

Here's what I'm gonna do. I am gonna take these two doors

and I'm going to put them back together like so.

Look how much stronger they are after being apart.

Those doors belong together. Get it?

You guys are the doors, and you're fighting

about something really stupid.

Boo, I'm sorry.

Maybe I left the doors open.

No, maybe I... Maybe I did. It doesn't matter.

I love you. I love you.

Oh, they're normal kissing. Oh, my God.

Great relationship advice finally given.

Thank you, Angela Bassett.

It is the power of the pants, bam.

He's fine.

Everyone ready?

Oh, yeah. Let's do this.

Now, be careful.

He's very protective over his cubs.

They're signed by Mandy Patinkin.

He sat next to us at a game.

- Are you serious? - Yeah.

You're being ridiculous. He is not a real bear.

Max! Max!

Spring smackdown is over. Spring is here.

Brad's gonna take us all to the Chophouse.

Okay. Let's do it.

Free steak for daddy. Might get two steaks.

- I'm proud of you. - No problem.

It's good to see you, buddy. It's good to see you too.

Uh, wait, so I'm taking all six of us to the...?

Chophouse!

I didn't know I was taking all of us.

Hey, maybe we should split entrées, you know?

Think about appetizers or desserts.

Nobody get anything market price because that's how they get you.

Chophouse!

Oh, guys, I don't wanna pay for all of us!

You feel that sun on your face?

Mm. So nice.

Spring's a-comin'.

They say by tomorrow it might even get up to 22.

Whoo! Wow, looking good. Hey, now.

Oh. What an ordeal.

That is the last time I administer

an at-home bro-zilian.

Speaking of which, we need more duct tape.

Noted. You're sore, huh?