Original subtitles

Guys. Come on. Tell me you're not still trying to figure out

if the girl at the newsstand is Claire Forlani.

Nah, it was just a teenage boy with long hair.

We're watching Max and Grant finish up their date.

Aww.

Ooh, bow-chicka-bow-wow. Right?

Come on.

You guys always leave me hanging with the sexy sound effects.

Oh! Kiss time.

Ooh, bow-chicka-bow-wow.

Nothing? Pretty sexy fist bump, though.

Bow-chicka-bow-wow.

I hate you guys.

I cannot believe Max has been

in a healthy relationship for this long.

Two weeks? I know. Amazing.

Guys, Max is not the only one in a healthy relaish.

Things with Sean have gotten really serious.

He's a pharmacist.

Hey!

Hey, hey. So how did it go? Really great.

I don't know. It could have gone terrible.

I called appetizers mappetizers.

I spent the rest of the date

wondering if he heard that or if he cared.

I'm gonna text to make sure everything's cool.

Can you proofread this text? Max, I say just leave it.

If you want to bring it up,

you'll find the perfect mopening.

Yeah, maybe he didn't even motice.

This is no time for jokes, guys,

especially when I'm the fattest I've ever been.

How could you let me out looking this fat?

We didn't have a choice. It's your body.

Wow, I have never seen you this nervous.

You must really like this guy. Yeah. He's amazing.

Which is where you come in by not ruining everything.

If you're happy, we're happy. Shut up.

We like to razz on each other's boyfriends.

I may have done it, but Grant is awesome.

He's different than the freaks you date.

Hey. Not cool.

He's right. It's not been great.

But, seriously, Sean is awesome.

He's the second best I've ever dated.

You did not date Sean "Puffy" Combs.

- But did I date Diddy? - No.

I'll never tell. I didn't.

Penny, are you done yapping

about the jackasses you've brought home?

Can we get back to the point at hand, which is Grant,

and that you guys will please be nice to Grant?

Dude, of course, we promise to be super mice to him.

We will be his mest friends in the whole mide morld.

We'll be the friendliest people he's ever met.

Ugh. Damn it.

I thought you were gonna get it.

Yeah. So close.

An expired Groupon for a dinner for four.

We have got to find some good couples friends.

I know. It is embarrassing ordering a four-person menu

pretending our "friends" will be back from the "bathroom",

or are "late" on account of the "fire" they put out.

Because they're "firefighters."

Guys, I hear you L and C, and, yes,

Sean and I would be honored to join.

You know who'd be great? The Ericksons.

Or me and Sean.

No. The Ericksons always talk about their kid.

Ugh, yeah. It's like, we get it.

You made a mistake, named it Todd.

The good couples are either boring

or want to do sex with us. It's rude.

What kind of vibe are we giving off

that every couple wants to sweeten our sheets?

You do do that super cute thing with the breadsticks

where you break them into two and then you dance them around.

It's like two little bread legs strutting towards the tapenade.

Mmm...

Guys. Guys. Guys.

Ew. Guys, Sean and I would be perfect, okay?

He's cool and he's fun,

and he won't try to do sex with you.

Whoa. Heh, heh.

Who does he think he is? Yeah.

Let him see my breadsticks thing before you make that statement.

He'll want to lay down all over this.

I want to lay down all over that.

Bicycle kick! Bicycle kick!

Bicycle kick! Bicycle kick!

Dude, it's foosball. They're all bicycle kicks.

Yeah, well. Goal! Boom!

Suck it, Grant. Loser.

We're still winning 9 to 1. We took the momentum back.

So we are gonna blow this thing wide...

Game over!

Para hoy. Para hoy.

Wait. Why am I saying that?

It's a phrase I picked up when I lived in Spain.

Women selling tickets would call out para hoy,

which means "for today."

It's a great phrase in general, like, "Live for today."

It's a good story. I love that.

I love this! Ha, ha, oh!

Grant, oh!

Man, where did you learn this stretch?

My back has never felt better.

Never. Ever. Better.

I picked it up in Tibet. Monks know what's up.

Now just breathe into it, man, all right?

Breathe into it.

Oh! I don't care who sees this.

Damn, little daddy.

Great game, Dave. Nice to see you guys.

Max, should we head to dinner? Oh, yeah, totally.

Bye, Grant. See you.

Did I get taller?

That went amazing. My friends love you.

I really like them too. They're just okay.

Nothing to get worked up over but they don't hate you,

and they hate everybody. Once Penny brought an astronaut,

everyone's: "Ugh, space is isn't the final frontier anymore."

I don't think we've seen the last of what caves offer.

Thank you. God, you're perfect!

Oh, come on, Max. Nobody's perfect.

Shh! Save it for them. I don't care.

So real talk. Grant's pretty awesome.

I mean, he's nice. He's smart.

Ideal brow thickness.

And did you see that vest-tie ensemble he was wearing?

I see those colors in my head and they don't make sense,

then I see them on him, it's like, nothing else does.

He even offered to come and fix our garbage disposal tomorrow,

which is great, because someone put a chicken down there.

I love the sound of bones crunching.

I feel like a god. I can destroy life.

It's already destroyed. It's cooked chicken.

Do you realize if things work out between Grant and Max,

he could be, like the cool guy in our group?

Whoa! Whoa, whoa.

I think our group has a cool guy.

Who? We do?

The guy from the deli? Not really in our group.

Um, this guy.

Wouldn't have been my first guess.

Yeah, come on. Max is the lazy one.

Jane's the type A one. Penny's the single girl.

Brad, the married one.

Alex is the one with the store. That's not fair.

Not cool, man. Pfft.

Pretty spot-on. Exactly.

So if I'm not the cool guy, what am I?

You're our Dave. Dave.

Every group needs a Dave. Yes, like in Dave Matthews Band.

Carter Beauford is the Dave.

Guys, I'm not just Dave, all right?

Clearly, I am the cool guy of this group.

Barkeep, another pint of your strongest lager, please.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

How great is Grant?

Look how well the disposal works now.

And I am still loving that para hoy thing.

Living for today goes against all my instincts,

but in the checkout line today, I impulse-bought...

What? ...these batteries.

What? The man is changing lives.

Whatever.

Hey, we've been inside for a half-hour.

How long you leaving those shades on?

I'll leave them on...

as long as it takes.

As long as it takes to what?

Oh, no. He's doing David Caruso again.

Caruso'ing wasn't cool when you did it six years ago.

Live in the now, Dave. Para hoy.

Whatever. I don't want to para hoy, okay?

But if my old moves aren't working,

I'll just have to kick up the cool a notch.

Get ready for a reboot.

Dave...

2.0.

I didn't even tell you guys the best part of Grant's visit.

He gets a little chicken juice on his shirt. Uh-oh.

He's gotta take it off, and I'll tell you,

it was not too hard on the old peepers.

I'm sure it wasn't that great.

Only one way to find out.

So you also got a chicken stuck in here?

Yeah, well, you know how chickens are.

One minute you're eating them, the next minute,

their whole bodies are in the disposal.

Why is he wearing his shirt? Because people wear shirts.

So, what's wrong with the old disposal?

Oh, no!

Oh, my God. I did that totally on accident.

It's not a problem. Yeah.

Let's get you out of this thing.

Good riddance. Ah! Ah.

And where are we on the pants?

Those okay or? Uh...

Got it. Leaving them on. Cool. It's a nice shirt.

It's made from eco-friendly soy inks,

not cochineal dyes from ground-up insects.

And I also get to support a local company.

Oh, local! Wow!

So green. Get to stepping.

My shirt is made completely from bug inks,

and I'm proud of it, so...

Come on. You guys are being ridiculous.

You think he's cool because you're stupid girls.

Grant-astic voyage! I thought I heard your voice. Check me out.

Twinsies! Ha-ha-ha.

Well, fraternal, of course, because, you know... Oh!

Oh, we're doing shirtless now?

No, we're not doing shirtless. That's cool.

We can do that, bro. Take it off.

It was great meeting you, Sean.

You too, and, hey, Brad,

thanks for the rec on where to get the vest.

Great eye, Sean. Funny story, actually.

My new best friend Grant, he said to me:

"Colors don't bite. They're just colors."

He's awesome.

He's my best friend, so you know how that goes.

Sounds like a good guy.

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I think we can all agree this night was a success.

Yeah. I had fun.

Hope to see you guys again soon,

and I'll call you later, Penny. Okay. Bye.

A kiss on the cheek. Could have got some tongue, bro.

So, what do you think?

I think knowing Grant is making us so much cooler.

No, no, no. What do you think of Sean?

I mean, he's cool too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure.

Brad, know who would be great couples friends for us?

Who? Max and Grant. Der!

Are you in my brain? I might be.

OM-yes! Dream team, baby. Unh! Unh!

I mean, I'm in all of your heads right now, because I'm thinking:

Sean, Penny, Brad, Jane... Dreamy teamy. Aah!

I don't know. That's on you, babe,

seriously, because...

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I want to get to the bottom

of why Sean didn't want to have sex with us.

I mean, was he shy? Was he playing some games?

What do you think the deal was with that?

Got off the phone with Grant. I wanted to go do that thing

where we go to a Gymboree and we scream, "Aidan?"

"Aidan, where are you, honey?

Aidan, Daddy's getting worried. Aidan?"

But we can't because obviously he's too busy

taking Penny to a sample sale.

Hey, man. Chillax about Grant.

Sometimes a boyfriend isn't the coolest guy around.

Maybe the coolest guy around is the guy on the couch.

Guy in the scarf telling me to chillax?

Come on. It's a way better catchphrase than para hoy.

Not everybody needs to live for today,

but everyone needs to chillax.

Okay, you're done. Hit the showers.

Knock, knock, Dr. Spock.

We were just cruising the neighb.

Wanted to see if Grant was around,

maybe wanted to hang out.

Maybe feels like fixing things? Whatever.

Okay, this is very nice that you guys like Grant,

but it has got to stop. It's starting to get cray.

Max, I'm so sorry I'm late.

I was doing a bachelor auction for Jane

but, special bonus:

Enid will be joining us. Hi.

She has some great stories. My husband's dead.

That was her best story.

Sorry, Max, but you said you wanted us to like him.

Well, we love him. I mean, he's perfect.

Alex, come on. Nobody is perfect.

God, you're so lucky, Max. Yeah.

Don't you think he's lucky to have me?

I used to think Michael Caine was perfect until I met Grant.

Okay, stop saying Grant is perfect! Grant is not perfect.

I will find what is wrong with him right now.

Whoa! Whoa. Man, that was weird.

I think we all just need to sit down and chillax.

Is that an indoor scarf?

Look, did I or did I not call

for an across-the-board chillaxing?

Yep. He is wearing one. Yep. Definitely.

And sunglasses. And the shades.

Oh, no. Jane, you guys really have to cancel tomorrow?

This sucks.

Sean and I were so excited to lock in

the whole couples thing... Unexpected Dave!

Hi.

Jane, I gotta call you back.

So, what are you doing there, friend?

Well, AI told me the door was broken,

so I'm just here fixing it. Had to be shirtless to do that?

Well, I was crouching, and you know how heat lowers,

and the whole thermal inversion thing, so voilá.

So how was the sample sale?

Did you have a blast with Grant looking at dumb clothes?

The blastiest time ever.

Grant rented us Italian scooters. So cool.

Well, I drive a food truck, which is basically a car

full of ovens, so... Dave, it's not a contest.

You don't have to compete with Grant or Sean.

Who's Sean? The point is, you're our Dave.

Everyone stop saying that!

I almost forgot, Grant bought our Dave something.

He found this jacket

and he just knew it would look great on you.

Damn it. This will look great on me.

I am really loving this look on you, Sean.

Yeah, well, thanks for buying all this stuff for me

and dropping it off at my office,

and strongly suggesting I wear it today.

Well, you said you liked it on Brad.

In passing. But I gotta admit, it feels pretty right.

I'm so bummed that Brad and Jane aren't gonna get to see

how cool you look.

But today is gonna be fun. I heard about this show

from Max's boyfriend/my dear friend Grant.

They're couples-cheating with Max and Grant.

Grant's probably explaining the art to them.

Now we'll never know what it means.

Yeah, I'm sorry, babe. I know how you want to be...

couples friends with them. No. You know what?

Not anymore I don't.

Who cares about being Jane and Brad's stupid couples friends

if we can be Max and Grant's stupid couples friends?

I'm getting really confused.

Can't we hang out just the two of us?

Oh, yeah, yeah. That makes perfect sense.

We'll be each other's couples friends.

Sorry. Damn it.

Well, everyone was right. Grant's perfect.

I can't find a single thing wrong with him.

Yay, Grant! Not "yay, Grant." Disaster.

Why are you obsessed with finding a flaw in him?

Most people would be psyched to find the perfect guy.

Who doesn't turn his underwear inside out,

and go "Good as new, baby."

In this situation, is he referring to his underwear

as baby or you as baby?

The underwear. That's disturbing.

Don't change the subject, okay? I know what you're doing.

When something is too perfect, you blow it up.

Do not use your dime-store psy...

That's exactly what I'm doing, but I have to.

If Grant is perfect, that means I'm not good enough for him.

Max, don't say that. It's true.

I know I may be tough on the outside...

- Not really. - ...but I'm fragile on the inside.

A little on the outside too.

And I have to be brave for everybody.

You love to play the victim. The point is...

that once Grant realizes that he can do better than me,

he's gonna dump me, so I gotta dump him.

It's called taking prevemtive measures.

Redemptive measures.

I think I'd know if I was being redemptive.

We're not in Europe. Okay, you're acting crazy.

All you guys need is a little time to reconnect.

We'll stay away so you guys can have a nice,

quiet dinner for two.

You know what? That's a great idea.

A quiet dinner for two is the perfect place to dump him.

No! For love! For dumping! Thank you.

You're smarter than you are tall.

Good day, tiny madam.

Yeah, I'll probably be too busy in the next coming weeks.

Too busy for what? I didn't mention anything.

Cool, cool, because I probably can't.

Can't what? Oh!

Hey, guys. We heard you might be here.

We love this place.

This is Sean. He's a pharmacist.

Whoa. Grant, Sean, twins alert.

Can I talk to you for a second?

I have some things I need to say to say to Grant.

Suppose to be dinner for two.

What's that? Sure.

We'd love to stay. Great idea.

Oh, hey, okay. Great.

I'll make it a reservation for four.

You don't have to do that. Fun.

What? Max. You come here with Grant?

Who's in possibly the smoothest overcoat

I've ever seen in my life.

Hey. Pipe. We're doing a little dinner for four thing here.

Why don't you get to scooching?

I think everybody here could get to scooching.

I know that you couples-cheated on us with Max and Grant,

but you'll be sorry, because twist!

They're to see that the real dream team

is Max, Grant, Penny, Sean, party of four.

Supposed to be party of two.

Reservation, for six.

Hey, buddy. Hey, man.

Let's talk about this before we make these decisions.

Game on, sister.

This dinner is gonna be a test of who Grant really likes, okay?

Hint, us.

Try hint.

Sean!

Oh, hey. Us.

Hey, guys. Good to see you again.

Brad, check it out. Twin alert. Mine's better.

Sean, focus up. We are in a feud with them.

And there's been a twin alert issued for you and Grant.

Hey, y'all. Alex, what are you doing here?

You told me to have a quiet dinner for two.

I'm not gonna let you blow it up with Grant.

Okay, reservation for seven.

Hey, guys. Or eight.

Check this out. How much cooler is this

than an Italian scooter?

- That's gravity. - Dave, hold on!

I used to be an EMT.

Dude, chillax. I got this, man.

Okay?

It's okay. All right?

Okay.

Hey, by the way, do you like that jacket that I got for you?

Yeah, Grant. It's awesome. Whatever.

It fits like a glove, and it slims me down

in all the right places, so, thanks.

Oh, boy.

Hey, let's eat. Let's eat.

Hungry. Dibs on sitting next to Grant!

Or Sean. Okay.

I'm on the table, and I got my shirt off,

swinging a snake in the air, it was getting crazy.

But in France, you gotta try absinthe.

Bonjour.

How do you know if you're with the right person?

Max. Stop it.

Sean and I are always saying

we want to try absinthe and just get crazy.

Another thing that makes us have everything in common with Grant.

Grant and I have a lot in common too.

I mean, para hoy,

kind of a mantra we started.

Don't forget our vest-tie combos, huh?

Which I guess we also share with Sean now.

The look works. Was kind of a him-and-me thing.

Sean seems to have leapfrogged you style-wise.

End of an era, hombre.

There's enough of Grant to go around.

We could learn a lot from him. He knows so many facts.

Well, I got a bunch of facts too, so...

I love learning new facts. Hit me.

You know what? Keep your facts. I'll keep mine.

Here's a fun fact.

Thinking of moving out of the country. Where?

Doesn't matter, but it will sever all my personal...

See, there you go. Speaking of relationships,

Grant, there is a wedding

that Brad and I are going to in Kona.

That's Hawaii.

And we would like for you to be our plus-one. All expenses paid.

Grant. Ding, ding, ding!

Sean and I have a wedding we want you to go to.

It's in Europe, so it's like a royal wedding.

All expenses paid, with a very generous per diem.

Per diem? We'll name a volcano after you.

Do all those things with them, Mr. Perfect.

I'm sure you'll have the free time you need.

I think you and I should have a chat...

Why don't we just take that? Yay, Grant.

Isn't it gonna be fun that we all get to keep

hanging out all the time?

So much fun. I can't wait.

What should I wear?

No, please stop! I can't do this anymore!

Okay? Look, I wanted you all to like me

because you always hate everyone.

That is correct. With good reason.

But I can't be everything to everyone,

and now I've got this Sean. Who is this guy?

He's a pharmacist. I'm a teacher.

What? I am exhausted.

I wish I could just chillax like Dave.

Which reminds me, Dave,

what is it gonna take? You're impenetrable.

I am what I am. I just did all of that stuff

because I desperately wanted to be liked.

Wait a minute.

You're not perfect.

You're needy. That's what he is.

You're fiawed officially.

I am, although celebrating it seems unnecessary.

Yeah, well, I apologize. That was very rude.

Max, I am not strong like you are.

I care too much what people think of me.

You don't care about anything, and I'm lucky to have you,

but I just can't try to impress your friends.

You don't have to try to impress my friends.

You've already won me over.

Who cares what these idiots think?

Grant, you're right.

It's tough being the cool guy of the group.

Come on, Dave. This is Grant's moment.

Hey, Grant. What am I doing right now?

What do these look like? Sticks?

If you were to describe these,

what do they look like as a body part?

Legs. Yeah!

These are walking too, now.

Aww. So cute.

Penny, I'm so sorry we couples-cheated on you.

It's just Grant called and...

I would have done the exact same thing.

Instead of competing, let's just go back

to us being couples friends.

The original dream team. Yes!

You know, it's early.

Why don't we go back to my place for a little ménage à four?

What's that now? Because of the couples...

Finally!

Breadsticks strike again! Breadsticks, and...

No. Bye, bye, bye.

Bye, bye, bye. Impenetrable!

Should I be following you? No!

Oh, come on. Nobody saw that? It was awesome.

I am the cool guy.