Original subtitles

So, what you up to, Pen?

Every muscle in my body is blasted.

My ex-boyfriend, as of four minutes ago,

is into cross-country skiing.

It is horrible, okay?

It is like NordicTrack, only with wolves.

You're doing it again.

Pretending to be into stuff guys you're dating are.

You always change to fit a guy.

Sometimes I change to fit a girl if she's got guy friends.

I am one of your best friends. And I don't want to overstep,

but every choice you make in your life

about everything is monumentally wrong.

It's funny because it's sad.

Okay, what's your point?

Don't change to fit a guy. Find a guy, change him.

That's what I did. What?

Literally, any guy would do.

You should have seen Brad when we first met, oy.

What? Really? Any guy?

Even the guy that brings his cat to the bar?

Or how about Jeff?

Jeff is fun at trivia night, and sweet and smart.

Jeff? He's a scrub. I don't want no scrub.

Scrub is a guy that can't get no love.

Can't go back on a mantra like that.

Come on, he's wearing shower shoes in a bar.

He's got a soul patch in a bar.

He's doing the running man in a bar.

Know what's under that jersey? A Family Guy tattoo?

Possibly, but also the perfect guy.

You deserve to have a guy

change for you, the way Brad changed for me.

Not gonna say "what" again, but I'm thinking it.

Maybe you're right.

I'm gonna give this a try. Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God! Year of Penny. Suck it.

So that whole changing me stuff you told Penny was BS,

slumber-party, pep-talk period crap, right?

Oh, change is such an ugly word.

I just modified everything about you

to make you better, for me.

Nobody changed me.

I got your change in my pocket.

Oh, come on, boo bear.

When we first met, you were a total college bonehead.

You wore cargo shorts and skater dreads.

You were obsessed with Jackass.

Obsessed with taking a stand against discrimination.

Why wasn't there a black man in Jackass?

Brother can't staple his butt? He can.

I got staples. You've got tons.

I got so much butts. So much butts.

You needed to change, okay? And I did that.

You didn't love old Brad.

Of course, I loved old Brad,

like how I loved those chairs your mom gave us

I had reupholstered so they're unrecognizable.

Okay. All right.

No, why do you have idea face right now?

You'll see. Is something about to happen?

Strap in. Seriously. Click it or ticket.

Put your seatbelt on. Tickets are expensive as hell.

I love my babies.

And by babies, of course, I mean my magazines.

These people make me look like I have my life together.

Aw. That's nice that you think that.

You guys are still watching this Hoarders show?

No, this one's different.

Her hoarding's been hard on me,

because I'm addicted to eating magazines.

Oh, no. No!

You guys are addicted to addiction shows.

Dave?

You wearing a different V-neck than two hours ago?

I am wearing a different V-neck. Thank you for noticing.

I keep one in the truck in case I want to make the old switch.

I call it my emergen-tee. I'm gonna put on my jammies.

God, Alex. You understand what's happening, right?

Yes. Maybe. Let's say it at the same time.

Why would we?

I got you. Come on.

Dave is addicted to V-necks. Addicted to V-necks, yes!

Wait. What? That's crazy. No, when he left for his date

he was wearing a V-neck sweater over a V-neck T-shirt.

Then he switched mid-date. That's three Vs.

Chocolate milk.

Oh, my God. That's four Vs. Yeah.

That's almost five.

So how'd it go with Jeff?

Was he wearing another jersey? Did you guys Zamboni?

Did he make it to your penalty box?

Are you done? Did you puck?

I'll e-mail the rest. We had a fun time.

He's really nice, he's got a good job,

but there are more deal-breakers than we thought.

He's 30 going on 20,

and he still says "sick" and "dog."

And, sadly, never when referring to a sick dog.

His apartment smells like appetizers.

He's got street signs everywhere.

It's like he's squatting in a vacant Bennigan's.

Check it.

That mini fridge? You can reach it from my futon.

Sick, right?

Futon, huh? Yeah. It's also my couch.

I'm really into combo stuff right now.

Like, see the beer sign?

It's also my reading lamp. Oh.

Have you read the new Joyce Carol Oates?

It is dope, mang.

He reads Joyce Carol Oates. There's some potential there.

But the apartment, the clothes,

the beatnik-juggalo facial hair.

You can change all of that. Just woman him.

Just woman him into submission.

Just woman him around the edges.

So trick him? Yes.

Dave.

Dave. Dave. David.

David.

Uncle Rich!

I'm sorry. "Uncle Rich?" My Uncle Rich?

What's happening? You have a problem.

How many V-necks have you worn this weekend?

I don't know. What's a baker's dozen?

Eleven. Thirteen. Huh?

I think my baker's ripping me off.

Look, Dave, you are addicted to V-necks.

Can I go back to sleep? You have a problem!

Ridiculous. You're watching too many of those shows.

Which is why we know that you have a problem.

Will you please accept the help that we are offering you today?

Is this one of those things if I don't say yes,

you're not gonna let me go back to sleep?

Yeah. Yeah.

I've been sleeping all day in preparation.

Actually, I didn't know, but I have been sleeping all day,

so I'm all keyed up.

What's up? I'm Brad Williams, and welcome to Blackass.

It's our time now! Damn right!

Blackass, y'all.

This right here is the snack pack,

mousetrap front fiip.

We got the pudding, we got the traps,

and we got the tramp.

Let's do this.

Yeah. Yeah!

It's going down, panties. Uhn!

Did you see that?

What's going on?

Oh. Look at the leg...

Thighs, thighs. Hand, hand.

Oh, God! Hah!

What is happening here?

Oh, nothing. Just being the old Brad,

before you modified him to suit your needs.

Okay. That's what this is about?

Damn right that's what this is about.

I'm loving being old Brad.

Ow! That's my good nipple.

Look, boo, if you love old Brad, then I love old Brad.

Wait. Why do you have idea face now?

No. This is my l-love-old-Brad face.

It's a grr.

Good. Great.

The old Brad is back.

I reset those traps, so heads up.

So do you like hockey? Do I?

Do I? No, not really.

Well, I'd love to take you to a game sometime.

That would be really nice.

You are hella sweet, Penny. Aww.

Oh, my...

I'm so sorry! Did I ruin your hockey costume?

It's on the Blackhawk. Damn it.

I think I have a napkin in my purse.

I don't have a napkin,

but I do have a Steven Alan dress shirt.

Oh. Why do you have that? You don't like it?

Okay, because I think I also have it in gunmetal gray.

That's pretty sick. Pretty great.

Yeah, dog, sick. Great.

Sick.

Okay, just wear the shirt. Okay.

Guys, for the last time, I am not addicted to V-necks.

But I will humor you

and allow you to put these into storage to prove it.

Humor mode activated.

I don't know what that was. I do. Denial.

Oh, yeah. Your whole wardrobe is V-necks.

Do whatever you want, okay? Except don't take this one.

It's kind of my date V. I get V in this V.

Ugh. Bargaining.

Fine. This is stupid. Just take them away.

Good. Got all of them except for one.

The one you're wearing, champ.

Really? Fine.

It's a farmer's V.

Look at the track marks.

You been dancing with Mr. V, son?

"Mr. V?" Tweaker.

Who is Mr. V?

Why are we here?

I could have sworn this was an all-you-could-eat wings place.

Ugh. Gentrification.

But I guess, you know, if we're here,

we could take a look around.

Oopsie golly. Me fall on mattress! Whoa.

Luckily, this memory-foam sleep number 45 broke our fall.

This is really comfortable.

Yeah. This is, like, mad cozy, dog.

I wonder how much it costs. Hmm, yeah.

Oofa-moofa.

I guess some things are just for the 1 percenters.

Well, no, how much is it?

It's $800. Oh, the nerve.

I have 800 bucks, you know?

I was gonna buy a video game chair

but, you know, I really think I would use this a lot more.

I mean, you probably would. Yeah.

Time to update my apartment. This stuff's sick.

I never thought that before, but now that you're saying it,

I think you totally should. Sure. Yeah.

You know what else they have here? What?

Other stuff.

I'm down with other stuff, mang.

Yeah. Oh, don't say "mang." Yeah!

Check it out.

Old Brad went out and got a butts-load of his old CDs.

I'm gonna be bumping

the Sugar Ray all night long. Hmm.

Boo-ya! I'm bringing that back too.

Oh, fun.

Oh. That smells good as hell.

I made a dry-aged New York strip steak.

Yummers. Don't mind if I didgeridoo.

But in college, old Brad didn't eat dry-aged steak.

He said he could live off of cereal and turkey dogs.

Old Brad said what? Mm-hmm.

I figured I'd take my hooks out and let you be old Brad.

Old Brad is not even hungry. He's just gonna go upstairs,

take a nice, hot lavender bath and soak his new dread.

It's a spud, but it's growing, mon.

Love it. Irie, mon. Yeah.

Look at that. Have mercy.

Boo-boo-boo!

Bath time. Might want to rethink that bath,

because old Brad didn't take baths.

He took showers because his tub was filled with 311 CDs, so...

Old Brad couldn't afford a CD tower.

I know, it's so sad.

You know what's not sad? What?

The taste of this steak in my damn mouth.

Mm. Boo-ya. Boo-yaka-sha. Mm.

Oh, no, you didn't. It is so good.

No. No, still mine.

Wow. Not bad, right?

My crib looks seriously off the hee-zee, right?

Yes, Jeff. Your apartment looks seriously nice.

Thank you. You look seriously nice.

Oh, wait, wait. What?

I have a super sexy idea.

Let's go into the bathroom, take off your shirt,

Listening.

Shave your face and burn your hat.

What's going on? You want me to change my apartment,

my clothes, my cool S-patch. That's a lot of change.

Jeff, you're a great guy. True that.

But you dress and talk like a 20-year-old.

God. Now you're sounding a lot like my ex-girlfriend.

We almost got married, but didn't

because I wouldn't change.

I'm not gonna change. I ain't selling out.

Well, why? Don't you love your new shirt,

and your new bed and your new furniture?

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

Look, okay? Jeff...

this could be you.

Welcome to 2012.

Welcome to sex town, population Jeffrey Niebert.

What? That was weird.

Well, I guess I do look pretty fresh, right?

Maybe you got a point, dog.

Ugh. Also, maybe don't say "dog",

or "stoked" or "crushed" or "mang"

or add "izzle" or "izzlen't" to anything, but that's it.

And don't wear those shower shoes. Now that's it. Yay!

Let's make out after you shave your face and burn that hat.

Hello.

How were your "errands," David?

If that's even your real name.

Just normal errands.

How about you? Have a good day? Did you get stuff done?

Take your coat off. If that's even a real coat.

It's kind of chilly in here. It's not.

I think you're wearing a V-neck.

Man, I haven't V'd in three days.

David. Coat off.

Fine.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You should be. You should both be very sorry.

Hey! Sidestep back out here for a second, young man.

Turn around!

Busted, I knew it!

You don't know what it's like. Just leave me alone!

We're more disappointed than mad, David.

He's hit rock bottom. We need to do for Dave

what Sharon's family did for her on Bulk Eaters.

Help. Yeah.

Except I think Sharon died in the end.

Yeah. She definitely died. Okay.

I even convinced Jeff to stop saying "dog."

Jane was right. You can change a man.

I'm gonna start a blog or a Twitter,

then it'll become a TV series starring Alyssa Milano.

Boy, I wish my last name was a cookie.

Shh. Here he comes.

Damn, dog. He looks sick.

Hi. Hey. Hi.

How you doing? Hi.

Guess what. What?

I'm engaged.

What?

Congratulations. Thank you.

How many times did you play this song?

A baker's dozen? So 13?

Hey, Jane. And you would be doing what?

Nothing weird. Just blowing the smell

of new Brad's favorite candle downstairs

so old Brad will finally admit he's better the way I made him.

Hmm. You guys seem great. Well...

Turns out, you were right, Jane.

I did end up changing Jeff into a perfect guy.

Did he thank you? They never thank you.

He did. You know who else thanked me?

His ex-girlfriend. Well, that's nice.

It's a really sweet story.

Jeff ran into Emily at this flea market,

where he was buying this wall sconce I suggested,

and it turns out Em loves the new Jeff.

So much so that they just got right on

engaged at the flea market.

Oh, I am done changing guys.

God, that sucks. I'm sorry.

I mean, what is it with guys?

How does Brad not admit that I made him better?

Check out what he looked like when we first met.

Whoa. Look at those nasty dreads

and that busted ska-punk skank he was dating.

I don't know who that is.

That's not you with the pink hair

flashing a horse cop? I don't...

That's not you throwing up at a Korn concert?

Hmm.

It's me. Yeah. Yeah.

Point taken. I love this one of you

making out with your "roommate" Margaret

in the DoubleTree hot tub. Okay.

Oh, Margaret. I liked Margaret.

Well, now Mark, what's he up to?

Whoo! I'm so excited. An intervention?

It's like having a surprise party

for someone who's gonna hate you.

Surprise!

What's going on? Please, come sit with us.

This is a safe space.

Who are you? This is Phil.

He's a licensed drug counselor.

Okay? Don't be scared.

It's exactly what it looks like, an interveen-tion.

Intervench-veen. That sounds better to you?

God, you guys, I am not addicted to V-necks.

I thought you said this was a serious issue.

You can't be addicted to V-necks.

Yeah, you can. I'm addicted to how you look in argyle.

This is not the place. That's how you know each other.

Why is Scotty here? You couldn't get any real friends

for my fake intervention?

Admit that you have a problem, Doug!

Doug? It's Dave.

Listen, this is really stupid,

but I got an hour to kill

before I have to be at a real intervention, so...

Sit with us, Dave.

Sit down. I got it, Scotty.

Let me ask you a question.

Why do you wear so many V-necks?

Piercing question. Who cares? They're just shirts.

I like the way they look. They make me feel safe.

Safe? Keep going with that. Keep going with that.

Talk more about the shirt thing. Fine.

Well, I... l was 11 years old.

I was being bullied by this fat kid,

appropriately named Fat Harold.

He would do this thing where he'd come up behind me

and yank me by the back of my shirt.

It was miserable, till I started wearing V-necks.

Then I had enough room to wriggle out and get away.

V-necks always made me feel comfortable, safe.

Wow, Dave, what an inappropriate forum

for such a long and boring story.

I mean, sorry.

Yeah, we're sorry about all this.

I mean, we were just bored.

I don't care what kind of T-shirts you wear.

I think you look great in V-necks.

Guys. I think I might be addicted to Vicodin.

Brad, I was wrong.

I'm sorry. What is happening?

Is that old Jane?

Let's go with previous Jane.

Forgot those Gwen Stefani chola eyebrows.

No doubt.

No.

Brad, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings.

But the truth is,

I did change you.

But...

you changed me too.

Old Brad and previous Jane

fell in love and we changed together.

We grew like this.

Aww. Babe.

You know, you looking so good

is kind of making me wanna get us out of these clothes,

if you know what I mean. I know what you mean.

Yeah. Just the way I like it.

Oh, God, It's so good.

Mm. Yummers.

So, what is a fit bird like you

doing in a pub like this?

Ordering something British, like a shandy or a scone.

No, I am not British.

I was doing that to impress you,

but I am done changing for guys and changing them too. Sorry.

It's all right. I'm not British either.

I heard girls were into accents, and you were really cute.

Also, I was a preemie. I was a preemie too.

No, I wasn't. I was five weeks late.

I do not know what's wrong with me.

Brilliantly played.

Well done. Thank you.

Hey, guys. Wow.

Dave, is there something different about you?

Did you part your hair on the other side?

No. He's wearing a turtleneck.

Clutch the pearls. Been four days. Feeling great.

It feels like a new chapter.

So proud of you, Dave. Oh, thank you.

This is big. Oh, thank you.

We're really proud. Really big.

Couldn't have done it without you.

You know we're proud.