Original subtitles

Guys, how excited are you for Derrick and Eric's wedding?

The most.

Do you guys realize that their Brangelina name

is gonna be "Derric"?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. It could also be "Erick."

Whoa. Did we smoke weed?

Interesting fact about Dave...

I have never been to a gay wedding, so...

It's not an interesting fact...

And...

All weddings are pretty gay when you think about it.

If you want to know what else is gay,

you can visit my web site...

www.ThingsThatAreGay.biz.

I tried to get .gov, but it was taken.

Guys, can we just focus on the wedding?

Okay, we all got hotel rooms downtown for next weekend.

Yes! Whoa. It's next weekend?

How could you forget?

Oh! Oh.

We're getting married, bitches!

And that was just the save the date.

I haven't seen anything that choreographed

since Colin Powell's U.N. Testimony on W.M.D.S.

Am I right?

Are you really cleaning underneath the couch,

or are you just waiting to slide out with an outdated zinger?

I haven't seen anything that unnecessarily complicated

since the third season of "Lost."

Am I right?

Asking, "am I right?" Is not gonna make it funnier.

Yeah, I'm loving it!

Guys, am I just so excited to not be

at the singles table for once.

I finally have a date to a wedding,

and I think this is gonna be really good

for me and Steve. And... time!

Three minutes and seven seconds

till she mentioned the guy she's dating.

Who had three minutes?

I had 11 seconds, so... Oh, no.

I thought she was opening with it, so I'm out.

I had two hours.

Guys, that's not a cool thing to bet on.

Three minutes. Pay up, suckdogs.

Make it rain. You guys talk about me

when I'm not around?

All the time.

So I'm finally getting in on the inner circle with my boss.

I've kind of become the aside guy.

Aside guy?

This fund gives us access to European capital markets.

This project will never see the light of day.

Better cash in your stock.

If I had to fire everyone in this room,

who would go on an office-wide killing spree?

It is permitted to offer securities

using a simplified prospectus that incorporates...

Berger.

He really would kill all of us.

Okay, here's me and Steve on a romantic picnic...

Aw. At the beach.

Here's one of him sleeping, sleeping, sleeping, sleeping.

So it's mostly sleeping? What? No.

Here he is resting, dozing, snoozing.

Oh... god. I'm sorry. Here I am, like, flaunting

the most intimate moments of my relationship,

when some of us...

Don't have dates for the wedding.

That is roof stoof.

Pennels, you are not gonna stir the poop up, okay?

There is no drama at this wedding,

and you know my motto... "save the drama

for Wilmer Valderrama." Oh, no, no, no.

It's pronounced Wilver Valmarondo. No, it's not.

So, what, now my motto doesn't make sense...

"I want to buy a condo with Wilver Valmarondo"?

It never did. So, Penny, since you're gonna be up there

being a groomslady, old Steve can sit with the rest of us.

Mm. Can't wait to get to know him.

Wait. No one told Jane about the wedding party situation?

What about it?

Everybody's in it but you.

Is that water?

And that's only because we organized the party

according to height, and I already had a 5'8".

I'm so sorry.

That's fine.

Quiet Jane is the scariest Jane.

The world's most dangerous Jane.

Uh...

'Cause I'm not doing it, and, no,

I will not save the drama for Michelle Obama, Derrick.

Good-bye.

He wants me to perform with Mandonnaat his wedding.

Mandonna?!

You guys were one of my top three favorite

Chicago-based, all-male Madonna cover bands,

right up there with Ma-Donald and Material Earl.

Max, come on. You looked great. You gotta do it, buddy.

Yeah, break out the Madonna mole.

Mole! Mole! Mole! Mole! Mole!

Guys, enough!

That part of my life is over.

I hung up my cone bra and headset a long time ago,

though I will always love Sean Penn,

no matter how creepy and thin his mustache gets.

Yeah. He looks like

a hulked-out, 'roided-up John Waters.

Due to rising energy costs, we think this program

will help us hedge our exposure.

This plan will never work.

Totally.

I'm cutting the whole department.

Yeah, you are.

Why are you laughing? This is your department.

- What? - What?

Wait. You're actually firing us?

Yes.

With no warning at all?

I've literally been warning you for weeks

because I like you. You're my aside guy.

Oh. Well, you were.

Now you'd better get out of here fast.

I'm about to give berger the bad news.

Wow. This place is sweet.

Luggage carts? Uh, gracias, señor.

Business center? Fax you very much.

I regret not traveling more.

It does look expensive.

Okay, sir. We have you booked in our deluxe suite.

You also ordered the embroidered pillows,

couples massage, and a milk bath.

Awesome. Uh, cancel all of that. Okay.

Dude, what's going on, man? You're the king of spa services.

Uh... I got fired.

You got fired? Shh. Yeah.

But you're Brad.

You... you've had a job since you were 12.

You've had your whole life planned out.

Yeah, bank $100 mill, then become

the first black sheriff on Mars...

Or Arizona. Whichever comes first.

Oh, come on, man. Mars.

Yeah. So how'd Jane take it?

So I canceled all of your spa services.

Canceled? Everything okay, boo?

Yeah. I'm just upgrading, baby.

Yeah. Hey, my man, uh,

throw in a couple of bottles of champagne

and some smelly cheese.

Okay.

Real smelly.

I want to walk in and think the maid dumped out...

And then realize, no,

that's just the great cheese I requested.

Make it stink! Ooh!

"So bad it's good" cheese.

Yeah, gimme dat funk... Unh!

And dis funk.

Mwah. Ohh.

So you didn't tell Jane? Hell, no, man.

So as far as cheeses go, we have a great reblochon series,

but the one I'm most jazzed about is...

Stop talking to me about cheese!

Did you say "jazzed"?

Oh, hi, baby girl! Where's Steve?

Oh, he's just unpacking his bags...

In a cabin on Lake Michigan with his ex-girlfriend,

because we broke up.

I am so glad I don't get invested

in your boyfriends-of-the-week

that I only hear about through dialogue.

He said we weren't "wedding-ready,"

I said, "we need to reassess this relationship,"

he said, "it's too big a step,"

and then I said, "your sister's got sloppy yabos."

Why do I always go to slop-yabs?

I mean, why can't it just be,

"let's try and communicate better"?

You guys, I think this one's on me.

Just a little.

- Nice gift bags, huh? - Hey.

I got a... I-I got a chip clip and, um, some Tums.

What... what did...

What did everyone get in the wedding party?

Uh... I don't think anything really special. I mean...

I got a candle... Hold this.

Some chocolates... whoa! Beats by Dre headphones!

Oh. That's cool.

You know what? 'Cause I got...

I got earbuds by D.J. Jazzy Jeff, so...

I can't... I want to be in the wedding!

You know what? It's... It's that stupid 5'8" thing.

Who does Derrick have that's better than me?

Oh, I think it's, like, his brother.

I guess they just found each other

after being separated as infants.

They just met?

Oh, my god. It's the Mandonna guys.

Hide me under your unnecessary hat.

Come on. Please.

What is your deal with them?

Those guys are jerks.

Maxa-billion!

It's good to see ya.

Hey, we're gonna check in.

Then let us treat you to lunch, all right?

Later. Peace, brother.

Ugh. You hear them, trying to push

their liberal lunch agenda on me?

Elitists. Eating three meals a day

as opposed to one daylong "supermeal."

It's disgusting.

All right.

- Ooh. - Tropic sunset.

No, no, no, no, no. No, no.

Jane. Ow.

How Jean Dujardin do we look right now?

So Dujardin.

God, you guys look amazing. I look like an idiot.

Emergency! Guys... I need a 5'8".

Oh, my god. Eric's hag Jan...

You know the one I was gonna phase out

right after the wedding... She just came down

with food poisoning.

Foul play, one supposes.

Oh, come on. Seriously?

She's been with me all day, except for, like, five minutes.

Five minutes is plenty of time for the Black Widow.

You call me "The Black Widow"? Hey, hey, hey!

I don't have time for this, okay?

The back-and-forth... It's exhausting.

I don't know what you're saying,

so slow down! Black Wids.

Yeah. Do you want to be in this wedding or not?

You show me to my tux.

Come on.

Aah! Whoa!

Come here, my little highlighter.

Give me love.

Whoa. I can barely feel your body in there.

Let's do it, everybody! Line up. Okay.

This is happening. Here we go. Okay.

All right. Yeah. Yeah.

Wow. Look at... Oh, yeah.

No, this is good. Mm-hmm.

Okay, now do a silly one! Bleh!

Ohh. Look at Derrick and Eric.

Or should I say "Derric"?

Or "Erick"? Seriously, we need to figure this out. Do we?

I have a big favor to ask.

Yeah, I know.

You want me to get out of this tux

'cause Jan has a deposit on it.

I get it. I'm sad about it. Am I sad?

Yeah, very sad, but I get it.

I get it. I get it.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Ahem.

I blew all my money on the save the date,

and now I don't have enough for everything at the reception.

Jan was gonna help me hide it from Derrick,

but she got food poisoning.

I didn't do it!

Nobody said you did. Right.

I just want Derrick to have the perfect wedding.

Okay. Here's what we're gonna do.

First...

We're gonna slow down these passed apps...

Every five minutes instead of two.

We're gonna cut the entrees in half,

and you know what?

I'm gonna need a guy on the inside.

Oh, yeah.

Look at that soft body. I can turn him.

You are one wily bitch. Oh!

Derr-bear, so I'm sure it's an oversight... yeah.

But I didn't see my nametag at the table

with all my friends. Oh.

I mean, I can just sit right...

Oh. Pentel Pentium processor,

you are the life of any party.

Therefore, I have a very special table for you.

Please, not the singles table.

The Skype table!

Your job is to assist and facilitate

the conversation between all the peeps who couldn't make it.

Oh, my god. It's the newest thing in weddings.

Had to have it. All right.

Welcome to the future.

Yay. The Skype table.

This sooks! Am I right?

Oh. Uh, I was talking to that guy.

Brian.

Uh, could you move me back toward him?

Oh. Sure.

Hey. I'm Chris.

Oh, hello.

They made you sit at the Skype table?

I'm sorry. That's a little sad.

Um... It's okay.

Lucky for me, I get to sit at the cute girls table.

What? Who, me?

Hey, hey. Troy Donahue, back off, will ya?

I already called the broad with the spectacular anthills.

No.

Why would you do that?

It's old-school. I respect it.

All right. What's your name?

Penny.

Hi, Penny.

Hello.

You look really pretty today.

Busted! I knew you wanted to perform with Mandonna.

Nuh-unh. Yuh-huh.

- Nuh-unh. - Yuh-huh.

Yuh-huh.

Got you!

Look, those guys are great.

What is the deal?

Fine. It's not them. It's me. It's just I-I used to be

this, like, super skinny, hot front man lead singer, you know?

The guys wanted me. The girls wanted to be me.

I could eat a whole pizza and three chili dogs

without gaining a single L.B.

And then I started eating two whole pizzas

and five chili dogs, and I...

Turned into Tom Arnold.

It's just the Mandonna guys look amazing,

and I still look like me... Or Tom Arnold.

Max, you look amazing...

Yeah. All right?

Well, whatever.

I know everyone thinks I'm crazy beautiful, Alex,

but I don't feel beautiful on the inside.

Clink!

Clink!

Mm. So, Chris...

Hmm? Why couldn't make it in person to this wedding?

Broke my leg ski-boxing.

It's, uh, it's a sport invented by energy drinks.

And were you ski-boxing with your wife

or with your girlfriend or...

I like the way you did that.

You acted like you were interested in what I do

so you could get the skinny on my relationship status.

I'm busted. I am a veteran of the singles table.

As am I. Thank you.

You know, after I heal up, uh, maybe we could...

Ohh. Maybe we could what, Chris?

Chris, maybe we could what? Go on a picnic?

Watch each other sleep?

Ohh! I have so many friends.

Pennel to the metal, big favor.

Ohh. My uncle Jerry... He loves dancing.

Will you please take him for a spin on the dance floor?

Please, please? Yes, yes? Great.

Chris? Here you go.

P.S., his favorite dance is the lambada...

And it's not forbidden here.

Okay? Watch. Bye-ee.

Chris?

Let's lambada, baby.

Hey. So how's the cover-up coming?

Well, I am almost done doubling these apps.

I'm turning these pigs in a blanket

into piglets in a binky.

So I actually wanted to talk to you

about something very... You know, I gotta say,

I have mixed feelings about helping Eric

hide all this from Derrick on his wedding day.

Mm. I mean, they say money issues

are the number one source of marital problems.

Weird!

Anyway, I was just saying, uh, don't forget

our hot stone massages tomorrow.

I heard they're great here.

This look like brie?

Yeah, that looks like brie.

Good, 'cause it's a napkin.

That's weird, babe.

Hey, sweetheart, nice moves.

Hey, what kind of dance floor are they working with, parquet?

Um, I don't know.

Uh, tilt me down so I can see.

Okay. Uh, a little more.

Uh... oh, no, no, no. Up a smidge.

Ohh! Seriously? Uncle Jerry, really?

What can I say? You've got a set of top-notch cans.

Fine. Okay. Take a good, long look.

Keep your hands where I can see 'em, please.

Mm, mm, mm. Mercy, mercy, mercy.

Hey, baby girl. Hey.

Listen, I came here to give you a world-class pep talk.

That's a weird way to set it up, but okay.

Max, life is a mystery.

♪ Life is a mystery ♪

Everyone must stand alone.

♪ Everyone must stand alone ♪ Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Shh!

I'm sorry. That doesn't fit with this pep talk,

"Life is a mystery" doesn't make sense either,

now that I'm thinking about it,

but anyway, all of us are here to support you.

Guys, your harmonies are intoxicating,

except for you, pitchy Pete. Pitchy as always, bud.

It's just I'm not the same guy I used to be.

Max, none of us are.

Think this hair is real? Cost me 25 grand.

Can I be honest with you? I knew it wasn't real.

Max, I've had three lap-band surgeries.

Now the third one I had to go to Cooba to get

'cause it's super illegal.

I have missed the way you say "Cuba."

You see? We all have issues, but together,

you guys are still amazing!

And I know one thing that still fits like a glove.

Oh, I hope it's not a real glove,

'cause my hands are hella swoll.

I ate a bunch of cured meats and...

I don't know.

I can't perform with you guys.

I didn't even bring my costume.

Yes, I did! I'm in!

Yeah!

Pete, come on, man! You're even pitchy on that!

And then uncle Jerry said,

"How many more dances till I get to see the knish?"

Oof! A fitting end to the year of Penny.

Listen, Penny, the odds were stacked against you.

Who finds love at the Skype table?

Come on, Pen. You might not meet somebody tonight,

but you will meet someone.

You promise? Yes...

As long as you promise to stop slobbering

all over the champagne.

I can't promise that.

Penny, you are such a catch.

I mean, you are smart, funny, beautiful...

Well, yeah. Sexy, and you have always had my back,

and I appreciate it.

Of course. I love you.

I love you, too.

I knew there was one missing!

Are you two trying to ruin my wedding?

The... the wedding? Are you trying to ruin the w...

Are you trying to ruin the wedding?

Don't eat the brie.

Brad! All right!

Okay, so we can double the champagne

by mixing it with antacids

and the bottle of whiskey you're gonna steal from the Irish wake.

So you're sending a black guy

to an Irish funeral to steal their booze?

Good point. You know what?

I have foundation and powder in the room.

We will do a real quick white face makeover.

What am I saying?

What is wrong with me?

I mean, I should just

tell Eric to tell Derrick the truth.

I mean, part of marriage is being honest

and no judgments, you know?

Ohh. I'm so glad you said that,

'cause I have something to tell you.

Anything, boo.

I got fired. What the...

Funky cold Medina!

These pants do not want to close!

Did Dave said he loved you?

Well, we both said it, and then there was, like,

this, like, weird moment.

So what? We all love each other.

A while back,

my therapist said that I might sort of have

some unresolved feelings for Dave.

What?

I know!

Penny...

One of them went up in my body.

Ohh. What do I do?

I don't know. I... You...

I don't know. Talk to Dave?

Talk to Dave? I mean, I'd have to talk to Alex first.

Oh, my god.

Okay, so talk to Alex. I don't know.

I'm really focused on the pants here.

Look, I need you to suck in big-time, buddy.

Pen, I'm sucked in.

Oh. Okay, this is gonna hurt.

Okay.

Yes! Got it!

Ohh. Whoo-hoo!

So what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna talk to Alex.

Okay.

Oh, no.

I gotta poop.

Hey.

Hey. I was looking for you.

Um, could we... could I talk to you for a second?

Yeah.

Al, get back in here.

Oh! Um, I didn't know that... that Dave was here.

I'm sorry. I'm gonna go.

No, wait. Did you need something?

Um, you know what? I just realized

it's really stupid. It's...

It's really stupid.

Oh, was it that the concierge guy

looked like an Indian Martin Lawrence?

'Cause I thought he did.

Yes. That was it. "Damn, Gina!"

"Damn, Gina." Yes. Okay.

All right. Okay. Bye-bye.

See ya in a bit. Bye-ee! Okay. Bye-ee!

Was that Penny?

Yeah. Here. Let me do that.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah.

Yeah, she was just acting

a little weird.

Huh. Yeah.

You don't think she thought

maybe something was going on between us, do you?

No, I'm just helping you get a stain out of your shirt.

Why would she think something's going on?

I don't know.

Is something going on?

I don't know. Is there?

I don't know.

You don't know? I don't know.

I don't know either.

I am so sorry that I reacted that way.

I was just surprised, and why wouldn't you tell me?

I just didn't want to worry you.

I have never once worried about you

or your ability to take care of us.

What am I gonna do now?

It's like, for the first time in my life,

I don't know what's gonna happen next.

None of us do. I mean, that's kind of the beauty of it.

Look at me. Two hours ago, I wasn't even in this wedding,

and now I run this bitch...

And one of these days,

you are gonna run whatever bitch you want to run.

Thanks, babe.

So how did the old, uh, Derrick-and-Eric thing go?

Oh, I made 'em talk it out.

Black Wids doesn't leave anything undone.

No, you don't.

Mnh-mnh.

Penny.

Chris.

Hey.

Chris! How did you...

I live here in... in Chicago. I j...

When the laptop went out, I was afraid that

I wouldn't see you again, so I had a friend drive me over.

That is really just... Amah-zing.

How do you feel about dancing...

Uh, w-with a guy in a... in a wheelchair?

I love it. Oh, my prom date was

one of those murderball champions,

so I'm here. I'm in. Get out. I love that game.

Have you played? It's bringing back mems.

Yeah, a lot of contact,

but really fun. Chris.

It's good stuff. Oh, my god. I can't believe...

That's... okay, that's, uh... Ohh.

Oops, so sorry. This is gonna be fun.