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1
00:00:01,792 --> 00:00:03,544
Tell me what you want.
You know what I want.
2
00:00:03,836 --> 00:00:05,922
Ah. Say it.
I wanna hear you say it.
3
00:00:06,214 --> 00:00:08,132
Ooh, I want a porch.
Oh!
4
00:00:08,424 --> 00:00:10,718
A big, wide porch
with weathered shingles.
5
00:00:11,010 --> 00:00:13,513
Mm, yeah. And a dock.
6
00:00:13,804 --> 00:00:15,932
A dark pine dock
that goes on forever.
7
00:00:16,224 --> 00:00:18,184
Oh, my God! Just buy
a lake house already,
8
00:00:18,476 --> 00:00:20,061
so we can stop hearing
about your big black dock.
9
00:00:20,353 --> 00:00:21,938
- Al.
- Oh, I get it.
10
00:00:22,230 --> 00:00:25,566
I was supposed to say big
African-American dock. Sorry.
11
00:00:25,858 --> 00:00:27,276
Better. 2012.
12
00:00:27,568 --> 00:00:29,946
Guys, scootch down.
Daphne Wilson.
13
00:00:30,238 --> 00:00:31,280
Daphne Wilson?
14
00:00:31,572 --> 00:00:33,074
I haven't seen her
since fourth grade.
15
00:00:33,366 --> 00:00:35,243
I ran to her last week,
She just moved back
16
00:00:35,535 --> 00:00:37,870
and already she cornered me
to go get tea with her.
17
00:00:38,162 --> 00:00:40,039
Tea? What kind of loser
drinks tea?
18
00:00:41,999 --> 00:00:43,209
Oh, no. Damn it.
She saw me.
19
00:00:43,501 --> 00:00:44,752
I don't remember her
being that bad.
20
00:00:45,044 --> 00:00:46,587
It was easy for you to avoid her
21
00:00:46,879 --> 00:00:48,130
with your fancy
freestanding house.
22
00:00:48,422 --> 00:00:50,091
I had to live
across the hall from her.
23
00:00:50,383 --> 00:00:53,344
Oh, my God. A tea party
sounds amazing,
24
00:00:53,636 --> 00:00:54,637
but I have a Girl Scout meeting
25
00:00:54,929 --> 00:00:56,722
I totally can't resched.
26
00:00:57,014 --> 00:00:58,975
I was never a Girl Scout, but
to keep her from finding out,
27
00:00:59,267 --> 00:01:00,810
I bought and resold Samoas
28
00:01:01,102 --> 00:01:03,020
until the GS of A sent me
a cease-and-desist letter.
29
00:01:03,312 --> 00:01:04,814
What's so bad about her?
30
00:01:05,106 --> 00:01:07,817
She can never have a meaningless
convo like a normal person.
31
00:01:08,109 --> 00:01:11,654
She just keeps asking questions
like she actually cares.
32
00:01:11,946 --> 00:01:13,197
Ugh! Sounds like a monster.
33
00:01:13,489 --> 00:01:14,740
You'll see. But
I think I came up
34
00:01:15,032 --> 00:01:16,450
with a pretty solid excuse
35
00:01:16,742 --> 00:01:18,494
as to why
I can't have tea with her.
36
00:01:18,786 --> 00:01:20,997
Penny, hi.
How's the turf toe?
37
00:01:21,289 --> 00:01:22,248
Day to day.
38
00:01:22,540 --> 00:01:24,417
Oh, my God! Jane, Alex, hi.
Hi.
39
00:01:24,709 --> 00:01:25,084
I haven't seen you in so long.
40
00:01:26,127 --> 00:01:27,712
Congrats on your store.
41
00:01:28,004 --> 00:01:29,005
I hear you're carrying a line
42
00:01:29,297 --> 00:01:30,840
of wildly extravagant
hand creams.
43
00:01:31,132 --> 00:01:32,550
I knew Mom disapproved.
44
00:01:32,842 --> 00:01:34,510
Why can't she just say it?
Choose your battles.
45
00:01:34,802 --> 00:01:36,887
You guys. What if I bring tea
up to your apartment
46
00:01:37,179 --> 00:01:38,389
and we catch up?
Oh.
47
00:01:38,681 --> 00:01:40,141
We would love that,
48
00:01:40,433 --> 00:01:43,019
but we can't have anyone
to our place. Water damage.
49
00:01:43,311 --> 00:01:44,937
It turns out filling
an air mattress with water
50
00:01:45,229 --> 00:01:46,814
does not a water bed make.
51
00:01:47,106 --> 00:01:50,359
Oh, no. All right.
Well, catch you later.
52
00:01:50,651 --> 00:01:52,194
Byes.
Oh, byes.
53
00:01:52,486 --> 00:01:54,655
Byes all around.
Thank God that's over.
54
00:01:54,947 --> 00:01:56,324
Why didn't you say
you were busy?
55
00:01:56,616 --> 00:01:58,326
Then she would know
I'm blowing her off.
56
00:01:58,618 --> 00:02:01,495
A specific lie
spares her feelings.
57
00:02:01,787 --> 00:02:03,998
Plus it's easier. I'll probably
never see her again.
58
00:02:04,290 --> 00:02:05,583
- Hey, guys!
- Oh!
59
00:02:05,875 --> 00:02:06,834
Ow.
60
00:02:07,126 --> 00:02:08,794
Okey-dokey.
I left my bag.
61
00:02:09,086 --> 00:02:11,088
Crazy me.
Catch you later.
62
00:02:11,380 --> 00:02:12,715
- Bye, girl.
- Oh...
63
00:02:13,007 --> 00:02:14,717
She sneaks right up on you, huh?
64
00:02:15,009 --> 00:02:16,469
Really, Mom?
65
00:02:16,761 --> 00:02:18,638
You show me a better price
on diamond-infused hand cream
66
00:02:18,929 --> 00:02:21,140
and I will match it.
I'm serious.
67
00:02:21,432 --> 00:02:22,808
Oh, so you drink tea?
68
00:02:23,100 --> 00:02:26,062
Who put this here?
Waiter.
69
00:02:37,114 --> 00:02:38,783
Penny. Penny, wait.
70
00:02:39,075 --> 00:02:41,452
Feel my hand.
It's diamond-soft.
71
00:02:41,744 --> 00:02:44,705
Tell it to your mother.
Funny running into you here.
72
00:02:44,997 --> 00:02:46,666
I came to see if I could help
with your water damage.
73
00:02:46,957 --> 00:02:48,501
I know a lot about mold.
74
00:02:48,793 --> 00:02:50,670
You are so sweet,
but it's all fixed.
75
00:02:50,961 --> 00:02:52,171
New floors, new paint,
76
00:02:52,463 --> 00:02:54,882
our vintage Italian
Analyze That poster.
77
00:02:55,174 --> 00:02:56,217
Sounds cool.
Can I come in and see?
78
00:02:56,509 --> 00:02:57,885
Oh, that would be great,
79
00:02:58,177 --> 00:03:00,513
but we were actually headed
over to Brad and Jane's.
80
00:03:00,805 --> 00:03:01,931
I'd love to see them.
Can I come?
81
00:03:02,223 --> 00:03:03,808
I mean to their lake house
for a couple of days.
82
00:03:04,100 --> 00:03:05,559
Sounds fun. Can I come?
83
00:03:05,851 --> 00:03:07,144
We'd love to invite you,
but we can't.
84
00:03:07,436 --> 00:03:08,813
Why not?
Oh, uh, it's a two-bedroom.
85
00:03:09,105 --> 00:03:10,231
It's little.
How little?
86
00:03:10,523 --> 00:03:12,358
So little the mice are like,
"What's up?
87
00:03:12,650 --> 00:03:13,818
It's crowded up in here, yo."
88
00:03:14,110 --> 00:03:15,820
They have little mice
that can speak?
89
00:03:16,112 --> 00:03:17,530
No, it's just a turn of phrase.
90
00:03:17,822 --> 00:03:20,825
Wow, that was amazing.
91
00:03:21,117 --> 00:03:22,451
All I did was walk
through the door.
92
00:03:22,743 --> 00:03:24,787
No, I meant about last night.
Last night was amazing.
93
00:03:25,079 --> 00:03:26,372
Oh. Heh-heh.
94
00:03:29,041 --> 00:03:30,334
Aha!
95
00:03:30,626 --> 00:03:32,253
I told you, no subletters.
96
00:03:32,545 --> 00:03:33,963
Damn it, Darren.
She's not a subletter.
97
00:03:34,255 --> 00:03:36,215
She just stayed the night.
Well, you and Max
98
00:03:36,507 --> 00:03:38,342
have so many guys and girls
parading around here,
99
00:03:38,634 --> 00:03:40,678
it feels like one subletter.
How many girls?
100
00:03:40,970 --> 00:03:42,304
A lot.
No.
101
00:03:42,596 --> 00:03:44,390
L, on the other hand,
would love to take you out,
102
00:03:44,682 --> 00:03:47,143
like a lady.
Like a gentleman.
103
00:03:47,435 --> 00:03:49,228
Like, I'd be the gentleman
and you would be the lady.
104
00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:52,189
Thanks, but maybe
some other time.
105
00:03:52,481 --> 00:03:54,191
Okay.
106
00:03:54,483 --> 00:03:55,693
You blew that for me, man.
107
00:03:55,985 --> 00:03:58,028
Damn it, Darren.
What is your problem, man?
108
00:03:58,320 --> 00:03:59,488
You're always hassling us.
109
00:03:59,780 --> 00:04:00,906
You still haven't fixed
the oven.
110
00:04:01,198 --> 00:04:02,616
Too bad, Casanova.
111
00:04:02,908 --> 00:04:06,203
I'll fix it when I fix it.
My God.
112
00:04:09,874 --> 00:04:11,250
Our stupid landlord
won't fix the oven
113
00:04:11,542 --> 00:04:13,586
and keeps perving out
on my chicks.
114
00:04:13,878 --> 00:04:15,796
Yeah? Well, tell Darren
to suck it
115
00:04:16,088 --> 00:04:17,798
because I just invented
something awesome.
116
00:04:18,090 --> 00:04:20,176
Check it out.
The trashcan stove,
117
00:04:20,468 --> 00:04:22,303
or as I call it, the trove.
118
00:04:23,888 --> 00:04:25,890
Look at this brisket, huh?
119
00:04:26,182 --> 00:04:29,185
Only took 18 hours to cook,
hickory-smoked,
120
00:04:29,477 --> 00:04:32,521
falling off the bizzone
and straight out of the trash.
121
00:04:32,813 --> 00:04:34,106
I'm gonna call it a trisket.
122
00:04:34,398 --> 00:04:36,358
Triscuit is already a thing.
And I'm pretty sure
123
00:04:36,650 --> 00:04:38,235
the fumes from that
will kill us in our sleep.
124
00:04:38,527 --> 00:04:40,863
Yeah, but you gotta admit,
125
00:04:41,155 --> 00:04:42,740
in your sleep's
a pretty chill way to go.
126
00:04:44,533 --> 00:04:45,951
So you're staying here
for a few days?
127
00:04:46,243 --> 00:04:48,287
I had to say something.
She literally cornered me.
128
00:04:49,330 --> 00:04:51,874
Not cool. Why did you say
our lake house is little?
129
00:04:52,166 --> 00:04:54,084
Now she's gonna think we have
to hang our beach cruisers
130
00:04:54,376 --> 00:04:55,961
from hooks in the kitchen
like savages.
131
00:04:56,253 --> 00:04:57,671
You lied to her face
132
00:04:57,963 --> 00:04:59,590
and now you're hiding out
for three days,
133
00:04:59,882 --> 00:05:02,009
so you didn't have to tell her
you don't wanna have tea?
134
00:05:02,301 --> 00:05:03,427
I want her to think I'm nice.
135
00:05:03,719 --> 00:05:04,970
Why?
Because schmoes like us
136
00:05:05,262 --> 00:05:06,263
need people to think we're nice.
137
00:05:06,555 --> 00:05:08,015
It is all we've got.
138
00:05:08,307 --> 00:05:09,934
The only people who get away
with being mean
139
00:05:10,226 --> 00:05:12,561
are rock stars,
brain surgeons or Mr. Phil.
140
00:05:12,853 --> 00:05:14,939
You mean Dr. Phil.
Come on. It's a PhD.
141
00:05:15,231 --> 00:05:16,982
Everybody calm down.
142
00:05:17,274 --> 00:05:18,692
Al, you can't stay here.
143
00:05:18,984 --> 00:05:20,069
Our landlord's already on us
144
00:05:20,361 --> 00:05:21,904
about having too many people
sleep over.
145
00:05:22,196 --> 00:05:23,239
But it'll be like
Three's Company.
146
00:05:23,531 --> 00:05:24,990
I'll be adorable Chrissy
147
00:05:25,282 --> 00:05:26,700
and Max can be hilarious Jack,
148
00:05:26,992 --> 00:05:28,702
and you'll be Janet.
I'm not Janet.
149
00:05:28,994 --> 00:05:30,162
Classic Janet.
150
00:05:30,454 --> 00:05:31,789
Stop it.
This is not Three's Company.
151
00:05:32,081 --> 00:05:33,541
Come and knock on our door.
152
00:05:33,833 --> 00:05:34,875
I know you're in there.
153
00:05:35,167 --> 00:05:36,585
It's our nosy landlord.
Hide.
154
00:05:38,254 --> 00:05:40,089
I know you're hiding
another girl in here.
155
00:05:40,381 --> 00:05:42,424
I saw a cute blond coming up
the stairs with luggage.
156
00:05:42,716 --> 00:05:44,093
No, no.
There's no girl here.
157
00:05:44,385 --> 00:05:46,637
She must have gone
to some other apartment.
158
00:05:46,929 --> 00:05:48,013
Then whose purse is this?
159
00:05:48,305 --> 00:05:49,682
Uh, that's, um... That's mine.
160
00:05:49,974 --> 00:05:50,349
I told you, Darren.
161
00:05:51,392 --> 00:05:53,310
I am a gay man.
162
00:05:53,602 --> 00:05:55,396
Are you?
Because I've had my eye on you
163
00:05:55,688 --> 00:05:57,439
and you don't seem
very gay to me.
164
00:05:57,731 --> 00:06:01,402
Well, I am homosexual.
Super gay.
165
00:06:01,694 --> 00:06:02,903
You had better be.
166
00:06:03,195 --> 00:06:06,991
I don't know why I care
so much, but I do.
167
00:06:07,283 --> 00:06:10,160
I do.
Okay. Great chat.
168
00:06:12,079 --> 00:06:13,622
Why are you nervous?
You are gay.
169
00:06:13,914 --> 00:06:16,584
You know I love low-stakes,
classic '80s sitcom danger.
170
00:06:16,876 --> 00:06:18,210
That was a close one, Max.
171
00:06:18,502 --> 00:06:20,004
Sure was, Alex.
172
00:06:21,547 --> 00:06:23,674
Stretch.
Hi, Brad.
173
00:06:23,966 --> 00:06:25,009
What are you doing here?
174
00:06:25,301 --> 00:06:26,427
I thought you were
at the lake house.
175
00:06:26,719 --> 00:06:27,720
Yeah, we were.
176
00:06:28,012 --> 00:06:29,847
Doing a big addition,
by the way.
177
00:06:30,139 --> 00:06:32,641
But why are you here?
Oh, we had to come back early.
178
00:06:32,933 --> 00:06:34,018
Oh, no. Why?
179
00:06:34,310 --> 00:06:35,519
Uh, Jane was sick.
180
00:06:35,811 --> 00:06:37,605
Oh, no. Jane is sick?
181
00:06:37,897 --> 00:06:39,273
Is it serious?
182
00:06:39,565 --> 00:06:40,816
No. I mean, Jane...
183
00:06:41,108 --> 00:06:43,569
She was sick this morning,
but now she's fine.
184
00:06:43,861 --> 00:06:46,697
Jane was sick this morning,
but now she's fine?
185
00:06:46,989 --> 00:06:48,657
Is Jane pregnant?
186
00:06:50,618 --> 00:06:52,494
Mm-hm.
187
00:06:52,786 --> 00:06:54,705
Congratulations!
Ouch!
188
00:06:59,668 --> 00:07:01,170
Stop drinking wine
189
00:07:01,462 --> 00:07:02,880
and eating soft cheese.
You're pregnant.
190
00:07:03,172 --> 00:07:04,840
Everyone's life
is moving on but mine.
191
00:07:05,132 --> 00:07:06,467
She's not pregnant.
192
00:07:06,759 --> 00:07:07,426
But I told Daphne you were
and she's on her way up.
193
00:07:08,469 --> 00:07:10,638
Why would you tell her
I'm pregnant?
194
00:07:10,930 --> 00:07:13,557
No choice. I had to explain why
we weren't at our lake house.
195
00:07:13,849 --> 00:07:14,433
We don't have a lake house.
I know.
196
00:07:15,476 --> 00:07:17,353
If she mentions it we're in
the middle of a big remodel.
197
00:07:17,645 --> 00:07:18,938
Okay.
She literally cornered me.
198
00:07:19,229 --> 00:07:20,230
Told you.
199
00:07:20,522 --> 00:07:21,690
I just want her to think
I'm nice.
200
00:07:21,982 --> 00:07:24,193
So now you're lying too?
Mm-hm.
201
00:07:24,485 --> 00:07:25,945
This is ridiculous.
202
00:07:26,236 --> 00:07:27,321
You two may be terrified
203
00:07:27,613 --> 00:07:29,406
of people not liking you.
I'm not.
204
00:07:29,698 --> 00:07:30,950
We'll see about that.
205
00:07:31,241 --> 00:07:34,954
Jane, congratulations!
You're so tiny.
206
00:07:35,245 --> 00:07:37,247
- I can hardly tell.
- You really do look great.
207
00:07:37,539 --> 00:07:39,124
You can barely see my baby
in her.
208
00:07:39,416 --> 00:07:43,253
Daphne, now is not really
a good time.
209
00:07:43,545 --> 00:07:46,090
I am thrilled you felt close
enough to tell me so early.
210
00:07:46,382 --> 00:07:47,883
When we were kids,
I always had the impression
211
00:07:48,175 --> 00:07:49,468
that you didn't like me
too much.
212
00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:51,053
I always liked you.
213
00:07:51,345 --> 00:07:52,930
I knew it.
I always had a suspicion
214
00:07:53,222 --> 00:07:54,431
that you were secretly nice.
215
00:07:54,723 --> 00:07:55,891
I am nice.
You are.
216
00:07:56,183 --> 00:07:57,851
Now you have to let me
throw you a shower.
217
00:07:58,143 --> 00:07:59,853
I would love that,
218
00:08:00,145 --> 00:08:01,647
but you can't.
Why not?
219
00:08:01,939 --> 00:08:04,984
Alex is already
throwing me one, tomorrow.
220
00:08:05,275 --> 00:08:07,027
Wow, why so early?
221
00:08:07,319 --> 00:08:09,279
Serbian tradition.
We always do things early
222
00:08:09,571 --> 00:08:10,489
because we never know when
we're gonna have to pack up
223
00:08:11,532 --> 00:08:13,075
and murder a populace.
224
00:08:13,367 --> 00:08:15,494
I love cultural traditions.
Yeah, they're fun.
225
00:08:15,786 --> 00:08:16,954
So yeah,
it's just gonna be a small,
226
00:08:17,246 --> 00:08:18,539
intimate gathering at Alex's,
227
00:08:18,831 --> 00:08:21,250
you know, type of deal,
sort of vibe thing.
228
00:08:21,542 --> 00:08:22,918
No, you can't do it at Alex's.
229
00:08:23,210 --> 00:08:24,545
The new paint fumes are bad
for the baby.
230
00:08:24,837 --> 00:08:26,338
That's a good point.
Thinking about the baby.
231
00:08:26,630 --> 00:08:28,716
Oh! I have the best idea.
232
00:08:29,008 --> 00:08:30,467
We should do it at my friend
Kat's restaurant.
233
00:08:30,759 --> 00:08:31,885
I'll co-host with Alex
234
00:08:32,177 --> 00:08:33,637
and you can make it as big
as you want.
235
00:08:33,929 --> 00:08:35,889
Too generous, you are.
236
00:08:36,181 --> 00:08:37,725
I'm gonna make the call
and get to planning.
237
00:08:38,017 --> 00:08:39,643
Yay! Wait.
238
00:08:39,935 --> 00:08:41,020
I'm gonna have a baby shower.
239
00:08:41,311 --> 00:08:42,688
Yay! Wait.
240
00:08:42,980 --> 00:08:45,274
Wait! Hmm.
241
00:08:45,566 --> 00:08:47,276
Alex, please.
I can't co-host
242
00:08:47,568 --> 00:08:49,361
a fake baby shower for Jane
with Daphne for you.
243
00:08:49,653 --> 00:08:51,488
What? But you have to.
244
00:08:51,780 --> 00:08:53,907
Daphne is almost here and you're
the only one childlike enough
245
00:08:54,199 --> 00:08:56,535
to believe it could work.
I know, I love that about me.
246
00:08:56,827 --> 00:08:58,245
But I can't host
a fake baby shower.
247
00:08:58,537 --> 00:09:00,289
That's gotta be bad luck
somewhere.
248
00:09:00,581 --> 00:09:02,833
Okay, fine, so you want me
to just tell Daphne
249
00:09:03,125 --> 00:09:05,335
that you won't host it?
She's gonna think I'm mean.
250
00:09:05,627 --> 00:09:07,671
Or you can say you'll do it
and seem nice.
251
00:09:07,963 --> 00:09:09,131
I'm in.
Yes!
252
00:09:09,423 --> 00:09:10,632
This is gonna be fun.
253
00:09:10,924 --> 00:09:12,926
I'll get a penis-shaped cake
and a penis piñata.
254
00:09:13,218 --> 00:09:14,428
It's a baby shower,
not bachelorette.
255
00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:16,138
Right, right.
256
00:09:16,430 --> 00:09:18,223
What penis stuff should I get?
Oh, God. Daphne's here.
257
00:09:18,515 --> 00:09:20,225
She cannot know
that I am behind this.
258
00:09:20,517 --> 00:09:22,394
The plan or the counter?
Both.
259
00:09:22,686 --> 00:09:24,146
Hey.
Al.
260
00:09:24,438 --> 00:09:26,565
Are you as psyched as I am
to be planning this together?
261
00:09:26,857 --> 00:09:28,942
Yeah, sure am.
262
00:09:29,234 --> 00:09:30,486
Oh, no. You're ambivalent.
263
00:09:30,778 --> 00:09:31,945
Huh?
And I know why.
264
00:09:32,237 --> 00:09:33,614
Seeing Jane married and pregnant
265
00:09:33,906 --> 00:09:35,616
has made you regret
turning down the greatest guy.
266
00:09:35,908 --> 00:09:37,326
John Krasinski?
Dave.
267
00:09:37,618 --> 00:09:38,952
I always had the biggest crush
on him.
268
00:09:39,244 --> 00:09:40,829
John Krasinski?
No, Dave.
269
00:09:41,121 --> 00:09:43,248
Anyway, I can't believe
you would break Dave's heart.
270
00:09:43,540 --> 00:09:45,584
I always thought
you were too nice to do that.
271
00:09:45,876 --> 00:09:46,960
No, I am nice.
272
00:09:47,252 --> 00:09:49,922
Uh, I'm a lesbian. Heh!
273
00:09:50,214 --> 00:09:52,841
Great. Congratulations.
Thank you.
274
00:09:53,133 --> 00:09:54,760
So you wouldn't mind
if I asked Dave out?
275
00:09:55,052 --> 00:09:57,137
Uh, no, you don't wanna do that.
276
00:09:57,429 --> 00:09:58,597
Why? What's wrong?
He's dying.
277
00:10:01,016 --> 00:10:02,101
It's terminal.
278
00:10:02,392 --> 00:10:04,228
Oh, no.
279
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:05,646
Let it out.
280
00:10:05,938 --> 00:10:07,981
Dave! Dave,
281
00:10:08,273 --> 00:10:10,025
do you remember Daphne Wilson
from grade school?
282
00:10:10,317 --> 00:10:13,487
I knew it! That's the blond
I saw from before.
283
00:10:13,779 --> 00:10:15,989
Nice try sneaking another
girlfriend in here, hotshot.
284
00:10:16,281 --> 00:10:18,492
Hey, I'm not just some blond.
I'm a bottle blond.
285
00:10:18,784 --> 00:10:21,245
Really? Your hair looks
so creamy and natural.
286
00:10:21,537 --> 00:10:24,206
Well, it's not
and he's not my boyfriend.
287
00:10:24,498 --> 00:10:26,458
Wow, really?
288
00:10:26,750 --> 00:10:27,626
Okay. Um, I was...
289
00:10:28,669 --> 00:10:30,546
Then maybe I could
make things up to you
290
00:10:30,838 --> 00:10:32,422
over, um, dinner sometime.
291
00:10:32,714 --> 00:10:34,007
Like, just whenever.
Oh.
292
00:10:34,299 --> 00:10:35,843
It could be...
Sorry. Maybe some other time.
293
00:10:36,135 --> 00:10:37,136
Another time, then.
Yeah.
294
00:10:37,427 --> 00:10:38,387
All right, great. Okay.
295
00:10:38,679 --> 00:10:40,013
Okay.
Okay, that'll be fun.
296
00:10:40,305 --> 00:10:42,224
Okay. See you.
297
00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:45,644
Hey, Darren.
298
00:10:45,936 --> 00:10:47,229
When are you gonna fix
our stove?
299
00:10:47,521 --> 00:10:48,689
I'll fix it when I fix it.
300
00:10:48,981 --> 00:10:51,733
Damn it.
What?
301
00:10:52,025 --> 00:10:53,652
You couldn't lead him on
until he fixed our stove?
302
00:10:53,944 --> 00:10:55,404
That's what Chrissy
would have done.
303
00:10:55,696 --> 00:10:57,739
Max, life is not
like Three's Company.
304
00:10:58,031 --> 00:11:00,492
Aah! There's that pesky Daphne.
Hide! Run!
305
00:11:03,954 --> 00:11:05,956
My trapple pie!
306
00:11:06,248 --> 00:11:07,958
Why did you tell her
I was dying?
307
00:11:08,250 --> 00:11:10,377
I wanted to save you from
having to go out with her.
308
00:11:12,004 --> 00:11:13,589
What's so bad about her anyway?
309
00:11:13,881 --> 00:11:15,799
It's hard to say.
She's really nice, she's sweet.
310
00:11:16,091 --> 00:11:17,426
I get it. Ugh.
311
00:11:17,718 --> 00:11:20,095
I am not letting her think
that I am dying.
312
00:11:20,387 --> 00:11:21,930
I get to hide again.
I get to hide you.
313
00:11:25,017 --> 00:11:28,604
Dave. Hi.
It's been a long time.
314
00:11:28,896 --> 00:11:30,230
You look better than I expected.
315
00:11:30,522 --> 00:11:32,399
I brought you hot soup
and some ice chips.
316
00:11:32,691 --> 00:11:34,651
And you call me
if you need anything else.
317
00:11:34,943 --> 00:11:37,404
I'm Max.
Hi. How are you?
318
00:11:37,696 --> 00:11:39,114
I lost all my money
to Bernie Madoff.
319
00:11:39,406 --> 00:11:41,158
Oh, you poor thing.
320
00:11:41,450 --> 00:11:44,036
I wanted to be
included so I came up with a lie.
321
00:11:44,328 --> 00:11:45,787
Phone, please.
322
00:11:46,079 --> 00:11:49,166
It is great to see you
up and about.
323
00:11:50,751 --> 00:11:51,960
I put my number in your phone.
324
00:11:52,252 --> 00:11:53,712
You call me if you need
anything else.
325
00:11:54,004 --> 00:11:55,172
Look, I'm not dying.
326
00:11:55,464 --> 00:11:57,883
Oh, that's the spirit.
327
00:11:58,175 --> 00:11:59,551
Ow.
328
00:11:59,843 --> 00:12:01,011
Byes!
329
00:12:01,303 --> 00:12:03,096
Goodbye. It was nice of you
to come here.
330
00:12:03,388 --> 00:12:05,682
Thank you... She's a demon.
331
00:12:05,974 --> 00:12:07,559
Things have gotten
out of control,
332
00:12:07,851 --> 00:12:10,020
but I know what we need to do.
Put an end to this insanity?
333
00:12:10,312 --> 00:12:12,231
Get our stories straight.
I told so many lies as a kid,
334
00:12:12,522 --> 00:12:14,358
the only way I could keep
track was to write them
335
00:12:14,650 --> 00:12:15,943
in my Greetings Feline diary.
336
00:12:16,235 --> 00:12:17,277
Greetings Feline?
337
00:12:17,569 --> 00:12:19,029
We didn't all have a fancy house
338
00:12:19,321 --> 00:12:20,489
filled with real
Hello Kitty shwag.
339
00:12:20,781 --> 00:12:21,949
Sorry.
340
00:12:22,241 --> 00:12:25,619
Anyway, I called it
my lie bible or lible.
341
00:12:25,911 --> 00:12:27,037
Idiot.
342
00:12:27,329 --> 00:12:28,872
A libel is already
another thing.
343
00:12:29,164 --> 00:12:30,415
You're trying to patent trisket.
344
00:12:30,707 --> 00:12:32,334
How about step off?
David, don't.
345
00:12:32,626 --> 00:12:34,294
Alex, you need to dress
like a lesbian.
346
00:12:34,586 --> 00:12:36,296
Yup, I'm gay.
You're three months along.
347
00:12:36,588 --> 00:12:37,756
No, I am not pretending
I am pregnant anymore.
348
00:12:38,799 --> 00:12:40,342
This is not eighth grade
gym class.
349
00:12:40,634 --> 00:12:43,679
Throwing a shower
for a fake baby is insane.
350
00:12:43,971 --> 00:12:46,723
Jane, who loves to be the center
of attention more than you?
351
00:12:47,015 --> 00:12:49,309
No one. And, Brad, you love
improv and tiny clothes.
352
00:12:49,601 --> 00:12:51,561
I can't think of another couple
that is better suited
353
00:12:51,853 --> 00:12:53,689
to make a mockery
out of such a joyous occasion.
354
00:12:53,981 --> 00:12:56,066
Aw... Let's do it.
355
00:12:56,358 --> 00:12:58,443
Yeah!
356
00:13:00,195 --> 00:13:04,283
Aha! I knew it!
An unlicensed cooking device.
357
00:13:04,574 --> 00:13:06,576
I've been looking for a reason
to get you out of this building
358
00:13:06,868 --> 00:13:08,245
and now I got the grounds
to do it.
359
00:13:08,537 --> 00:13:11,498
Whoa, take it easy, baby.
360
00:13:11,790 --> 00:13:13,709
Where's all this anger
coming from, huh?
361
00:13:14,001 --> 00:13:15,127
Is it really
about a serious danger
362
00:13:15,419 --> 00:13:16,670
to the building
and all its tenants?
363
00:13:16,962 --> 00:13:19,506
Or is it about deep-seated
loneliness and fear?
364
00:13:19,798 --> 00:13:22,968
Loneliness and fear.
That's what I thought.
365
00:13:23,260 --> 00:13:25,512
I also happen to think
that you are pretty into Alex.
366
00:13:25,804 --> 00:13:28,432
And I happen to know
that she is pretty into you.
367
00:13:28,724 --> 00:13:31,518
No, she is not. "Maybe some
other time" is a blow-off.
368
00:13:31,810 --> 00:13:33,812
We will be at this party later.
369
00:13:34,104 --> 00:13:36,064
And I know for a fact that she
would love to see you there.
370
00:13:36,356 --> 00:13:38,025
Really?
Yeah.
371
00:13:38,317 --> 00:13:40,319
Alex loves guys that show up
at baby showers uninvited.
372
00:13:40,610 --> 00:13:41,570
Cool.
Yeah.
373
00:13:41,862 --> 00:13:43,155
Okay. What else does
she like?
374
00:13:44,740 --> 00:13:47,034
Salsa.
The dip or the dance?
375
00:13:47,326 --> 00:13:48,493
Both.
376
00:13:48,785 --> 00:13:49,828
Why don't you take this?
377
00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:51,663
Okay. All right, thanks.
Yes.
378
00:13:51,955 --> 00:13:53,165
That's her favorite
kind of salsa.
379
00:13:53,457 --> 00:13:55,334
Saves me a trip.
Oh, and you know what?
380
00:13:55,625 --> 00:13:57,044
Try to switch it up
with the wardrobe, huh?
381
00:13:57,336 --> 00:13:58,795
Right now I can't tell
the difference
382
00:13:59,087 --> 00:14:01,173
between your skin
and your shirt and jacket.
383
00:14:01,465 --> 00:14:02,466
You know what I mean?
384
00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:06,720
Hey, Top Gun.
385
00:14:07,012 --> 00:14:08,680
Man, I can't do this.
Daphne is a nice person.
386
00:14:08,972 --> 00:14:10,390
I'm gonna tell the truth.
387
00:14:10,682 --> 00:14:12,476
If we don't go through
with this baby shower,
388
00:14:12,768 --> 00:14:14,936
Darren won't hook up with Alex.
He's gonna kick us out.
389
00:14:15,228 --> 00:14:16,188
That is a crazy plan.
390
00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:17,731
I know, but this is
a crazier plan.
391
00:14:18,023 --> 00:14:20,359
Max! Max, come on, man.
392
00:14:20,650 --> 00:14:22,652
What are you doing?
Bye!
393
00:14:22,944 --> 00:14:24,696
Max?
394
00:14:24,988 --> 00:14:27,074
Max!
395
00:14:29,826 --> 00:14:30,952
Oh, it kicked.
396
00:14:31,244 --> 00:14:32,371
Yeah. I think it did kick.
397
00:14:32,662 --> 00:14:33,914
You're right. You're right.
398
00:14:34,206 --> 00:14:36,708
Hi. Hi, hi.
Oh.
399
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:39,211
So apparently,
I'm carrying high.
400
00:14:39,503 --> 00:14:41,129
Heh-heh. I don't know
what that means.
401
00:14:41,421 --> 00:14:43,048
Aren't you loving it?
Great shower.
402
00:14:43,340 --> 00:14:45,092
Yeah, I love it.
I mean, it's incredible.
403
00:14:45,384 --> 00:14:48,136
But I still can't believe
you'd rather go through all this
404
00:14:48,428 --> 00:14:49,930
than just tell Daphne the truth.
405
00:14:50,222 --> 00:14:51,598
Trust me.
It's easier this way.
406
00:14:51,890 --> 00:14:53,308
Hey, Jane,
love your coworker Susan.
407
00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:54,851
Well, we love Jane.
408
00:14:55,143 --> 00:14:56,311
Don't take too long
a maternity leave
409
00:14:56,603 --> 00:14:58,105
or we'll cry more than the baby.
410
00:14:58,397 --> 00:15:00,232
Susan.
411
00:15:00,524 --> 00:15:01,733
Get out of here, you two.
412
00:15:02,025 --> 00:15:03,318
Oh, off you go.
413
00:15:03,610 --> 00:15:04,778
Who the fuzz was that?
414
00:15:05,070 --> 00:15:06,196
She's a professional
seat-filler.
415
00:15:06,488 --> 00:15:07,823
Yeah, I paid them all $20
416
00:15:08,115 --> 00:15:09,699
to mingle festively
and respond to social cues.
417
00:15:09,991 --> 00:15:11,827
Plus they do get first dibs
on centerpieces.
418
00:15:12,119 --> 00:15:14,204
- Oh, no.
- A suit? Ha-ha!
419
00:15:14,496 --> 00:15:15,914
Why does a baby need a suit,
huh? Ha-ha!
420
00:15:16,957 --> 00:15:18,500
What, does he have a job?
421
00:15:18,792 --> 00:15:20,502
He's not fooling anybody.
He's a baby.
422
00:15:20,794 --> 00:15:22,003
Tell him not to cut the tags.
423
00:15:22,295 --> 00:15:24,214
They have to go back tomorrow.
Okay, okay.
424
00:15:24,506 --> 00:15:26,591
I'm cutting these tags.
I'm never giving this back.
425
00:15:26,883 --> 00:15:28,343
Hey, everybody!
426
00:15:28,635 --> 00:15:29,970
What are you doing?
I'm Ellen.
427
00:15:30,262 --> 00:15:31,805
Oh, boy.
428
00:15:32,097 --> 00:15:34,266
If I gotta be a lesbian, might
as well go straight to the top.
429
00:15:34,558 --> 00:15:35,851
You are insane.
430
00:15:36,143 --> 00:15:37,144
Am I?
431
00:15:37,436 --> 00:15:39,062
Alex, I want you to meet
my friend Kat.
432
00:15:39,354 --> 00:15:40,522
You guys are gonna love
each other.
433
00:15:40,814 --> 00:15:42,065
Hi.
Hey.
434
00:15:42,357 --> 00:15:44,192
Let's grab a drink.
Great.
435
00:15:44,484 --> 00:15:45,569
I met somebody.
436
00:15:45,861 --> 00:15:47,237
Oh, God.
437
00:15:47,529 --> 00:15:49,072
You see,
the beauty of the machine
438
00:15:49,364 --> 00:15:50,907
is that it cooks the food
439
00:15:51,199 --> 00:15:53,368
while it incinerates
the magazines. Ha-ha.
440
00:15:53,660 --> 00:15:55,871
I'm basically a young,
handsome Ron Popeil.
441
00:15:56,163 --> 00:15:57,789
Max, where's Dave?
I had to leave him at home.
442
00:15:58,081 --> 00:15:59,541
He threatened
to blow this whole operation.
443
00:15:59,833 --> 00:16:01,209
Had to go ghost protes on him.
444
00:16:01,501 --> 00:16:02,669
He needs to be here.
445
00:16:02,961 --> 00:16:05,213
Well, he's not here, so...
Max, hi.
446
00:16:05,505 --> 00:16:06,882
Where's Dave?
447
00:16:07,174 --> 00:16:08,800
He took a real turn
for the worse. I'm sorry.
448
00:16:09,092 --> 00:16:11,511
Oh, no.
Well, I'm gonna go call him.
449
00:16:11,803 --> 00:16:14,222
God, no. She's gonna call him,
he'll tell her the truth
450
00:16:14,514 --> 00:16:16,308
and she's gonna realize
what terrible people we are.
451
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:19,644
Relax. I stole his phone.
452
00:16:19,936 --> 00:16:22,230
You're not the only one that's
good at this game, Emily Thorne.
453
00:16:22,522 --> 00:16:24,274
Stop freestyling
and leave the lies up to me.
454
00:16:24,566 --> 00:16:25,817
Fine. Then you figure out
455
00:16:26,109 --> 00:16:27,527
how to get my landlord
to hook up with Alex.
456
00:16:27,819 --> 00:16:28,945
What? No. Not today.
457
00:16:29,237 --> 00:16:30,906
Alex is busy
pretending to be a lesbian.
458
00:16:31,198 --> 00:16:32,991
Damn it. I forgot.
459
00:16:33,283 --> 00:16:34,618
Dave and I are gonna
be out on the streets.
460
00:16:34,910 --> 00:16:36,411
I'll have to find a trumpet,
learn to play it
461
00:16:36,703 --> 00:16:38,997
until a music producer
discovers my talent.
462
00:16:39,289 --> 00:16:42,042
Dave won't have it so good.
He'll live life on the rails.
463
00:16:42,334 --> 00:16:43,627
The cocaine rails.
464
00:16:43,919 --> 00:16:45,629
Unfortunately, he will also be
living on a train,
465
00:16:45,921 --> 00:16:47,422
making it extremely difficult
to do cocaine
466
00:16:47,714 --> 00:16:49,216
because you're bumping around.
You need...
467
00:16:49,508 --> 00:16:52,177
Let me handle it.
Go and stall him.
468
00:16:52,469 --> 00:16:56,139
Oh, no, they didn't. Ha!
469
00:16:56,431 --> 00:16:58,433
Who's he kidding now?
Yeah!
470
00:16:58,725 --> 00:17:01,061
What's he gonna do,
bust through some wood?
471
00:17:01,353 --> 00:17:02,812
He's not a black belt,
he's a baby.
472
00:17:04,564 --> 00:17:07,275
What the hell is this?
It's a breast pump.
473
00:17:07,567 --> 00:17:08,818
You'll need it
when you go to work.
474
00:17:09,110 --> 00:17:11,196
I don't know that I'm
gonna be breast-feeding.
475
00:17:11,488 --> 00:17:13,114
Uh, yeah, you are.
476
00:17:13,406 --> 00:17:15,534
Plus you're not wanna go
back to work for a while.
477
00:17:15,825 --> 00:17:17,285
How do you know what I'll want?
478
00:17:17,577 --> 00:17:20,997
Just want me to stay at home
and just pump my canisters?
479
00:17:21,289 --> 00:17:22,582
Technically, if you stay home,
480
00:17:22,874 --> 00:17:24,125
you won't need to pump
your canisters.
481
00:17:24,417 --> 00:17:25,418
Okay. Shut up, Susan.
482
00:17:27,879 --> 00:17:29,005
Alex, I need you out here now.
483
00:17:29,297 --> 00:17:30,465
Times have a-changed, okay?
484
00:17:30,757 --> 00:17:32,300
Lesbians can use
the ladies' room now.
485
00:17:32,592 --> 00:17:34,386
Deal with it.
Listen, dope,
486
00:17:34,678 --> 00:17:36,471
I need you
to tell Max's landlord
487
00:17:36,763 --> 00:17:38,056
that you'll go out with him.
Kat and I are hitting it off.
488
00:17:39,099 --> 00:17:40,433
Pretend to be straight
for 10 minutes
489
00:17:40,725 --> 00:17:41,893
and then you can go back
to being gay.
490
00:17:42,185 --> 00:17:44,229
It's not a choice.
491
00:17:44,521 --> 00:17:45,814
Ow. No.
This isn't Three's Company.
492
00:17:46,106 --> 00:17:47,440
You can't just transform
a person
493
00:17:47,732 --> 00:17:49,359
by undoing a button
and a ponytail.
494
00:17:49,651 --> 00:17:51,361
Forget it.
She's not even here.
495
00:17:52,779 --> 00:17:54,364
Yes, she is. Look.
496
00:17:59,578 --> 00:18:01,997
Wow.
497
00:18:06,126 --> 00:18:09,212
Go to her.
Alex loves a spicy dip.
498
00:18:09,504 --> 00:18:11,089
The food or the move?
499
00:18:12,299 --> 00:18:13,383
Both.
500
00:18:15,302 --> 00:18:17,262
Stop dancing.
But he's dancing.
501
00:18:29,566 --> 00:18:32,068
I gotta hand it to you.
I am really impressed.
502
00:18:32,360 --> 00:18:34,529
You had a lot of plates in the
air and kept them all spinning.
503
00:18:34,821 --> 00:18:37,699
It's all thanks to my old lible.
504
00:18:37,991 --> 00:18:40,118
Really gave me the confidence
to pull this thing off.
505
00:18:40,410 --> 00:18:42,495
Don't tell me
how to raise my baby!
506
00:18:42,787 --> 00:18:45,415
Well, if that's how you feel,
raise it yourself!
507
00:18:45,707 --> 00:18:47,834
No. You guys have to
stay together for the baby.
508
00:18:48,126 --> 00:18:49,377
There is no baby!
509
00:18:51,838 --> 00:18:53,340
What's going on?
I can explain.
510
00:18:53,632 --> 00:18:55,050
Alex, what are you doing?
511
00:18:55,342 --> 00:18:56,593
Why are you dancing
with this guy?
512
00:18:56,885 --> 00:18:58,845
Because I'm Ellen.
And I'm straight.
513
00:18:59,137 --> 00:19:00,805
So you're not attracted to me?
514
00:19:01,097 --> 00:19:02,098
No.
515
00:19:02,390 --> 00:19:04,351
So you're attracted to me.
Nope.
516
00:19:04,643 --> 00:19:06,186
Okay, what's going on?
517
00:19:06,478 --> 00:19:08,146
Stop! Aah!
518
00:19:08,438 --> 00:19:10,148
Dave, what are
you doing out of bed?
519
00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:11,691
You look worse than ever.
520
00:19:11,983 --> 00:19:13,443
I'm not dying.
I was just locked up
521
00:19:13,735 --> 00:19:15,528
next to a fume-emitting
death machine.
522
00:19:15,820 --> 00:19:17,906
Okay, I'm still working out
some of the kinks,
523
00:19:18,198 --> 00:19:20,700
but it is a culinary
game-changer I'm telling you.
524
00:19:20,992 --> 00:19:22,786
Penny, what's going on?
525
00:19:23,078 --> 00:19:24,829
I've been lying to you, Daphne.
526
00:19:25,121 --> 00:19:26,998
And I was so worried
about hurting your feelings
527
00:19:27,290 --> 00:19:29,084
that I got everyone else
to lie to you too.
528
00:19:29,376 --> 00:19:33,088
The truth is, I don't wanna
have tea with you.
529
00:19:33,380 --> 00:19:36,132
- Tea? What tea? From last week?
- Yeah.
530
00:19:36,424 --> 00:19:39,094
And intermittently
over the last 21 years.
531
00:19:39,386 --> 00:19:41,054
Do I talk about tea that much?
532
00:19:41,346 --> 00:19:42,305
You do.
533
00:19:42,597 --> 00:19:43,723
That is a fact.
534
00:19:45,684 --> 00:19:47,185
Thank you.
535
00:19:47,477 --> 00:19:48,937
Thank you.
536
00:19:49,229 --> 00:19:50,480
Thanks.
537
00:19:50,772 --> 00:19:52,649
So you paid all these people
to be here?
538
00:19:52,941 --> 00:19:54,526
Yes. Except the caricaturist.
539
00:19:54,818 --> 00:19:56,820
Thanks, Ira.
540
00:19:57,112 --> 00:19:58,613
I am so sorry again.
You must hate me.
541
00:19:58,905 --> 00:20:00,073
No. I just don't understand
542
00:20:00,365 --> 00:20:01,449
why you wouldn't tell the truth.
543
00:20:01,741 --> 00:20:02,826
I don't wanna have tea
with someone
544
00:20:03,118 --> 00:20:04,244
who doesn't want have tea
with me.
545
00:20:04,536 --> 00:20:05,704
I would love to have tea
with you.
546
00:20:05,995 --> 00:20:07,122
Really?
Yeah.
547
00:20:07,414 --> 00:20:09,124
I'd like that.
548
00:20:09,416 --> 00:20:10,750
You know what, Daphne?
549
00:20:11,042 --> 00:20:12,043
Let's get that tea.
550
00:20:12,335 --> 00:20:13,795
Maybe some other time.
551
00:20:18,174 --> 00:20:20,260
Phew! Dodged a bullet.
552
00:20:20,552 --> 00:20:22,721
I don't have to get tea with her
and she still thinks I'm nice.
553
00:20:23,012 --> 00:20:24,013
But I've learned my lesson.
554
00:20:24,305 --> 00:20:26,182
Nothing good
ever comes from lying.
555
00:20:26,474 --> 00:20:28,768
Well, actually, something good
did come from it.
556
00:20:29,060 --> 00:20:31,396
It made us realize there's
something missing in our lives.
557
00:20:31,688 --> 00:20:34,733
We're not entirely ready,
but, I mean, who is, right?
558
00:20:37,694 --> 00:20:38,820
So we're just gonna go for it.
559
00:20:39,112 --> 00:20:41,156
Guys, we're buying a lake house.
560
00:20:41,448 --> 00:20:43,742
Yes! We're gonna be
weekenders!
561
00:20:44,033 --> 00:20:45,076
I claim top bunk!
562
00:20:45,368 --> 00:20:47,036
Yeah.
Yeah.
563
00:20:47,328 --> 00:20:49,873
Lake house! Lake house!
564
00:20:50,165 --> 00:20:52,500
Lake house! Lake house!
Lake house!
565
00:20:56,379 --> 00:20:58,256
Tired of cooking
in a conventional oven?
566
00:20:58,548 --> 00:21:00,884
Tired of preparing the same
old food the same old way
567
00:21:01,176 --> 00:21:02,844
at the same old
consistent temperature?
568
00:21:03,136 --> 00:21:05,346
Well, then the Trash Stove TM
is for you.
569
00:21:05,638 --> 00:21:07,474
But don't just blatantly
trust me.
570
00:21:07,766 --> 00:21:09,309
Ask my buddy, Dave.
571
00:21:09,601 --> 00:21:11,060
Keep that thing away from me,
dude.
572
00:21:12,604 --> 00:21:14,898
Trash Stove TM.
It'll cook anything.
573
00:21:15,190 --> 00:21:17,358
Goats, Chinese food,
you name it.
574
00:21:17,650 --> 00:21:19,068
FDA patent approval pending,
575
00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:20,945
but, hey, they haven't said no.
576
00:21:21,237 --> 00:21:22,822
The Trash Stove TM.
577
00:21:23,114 --> 00:21:25,366
Set it and forget it.
Don't forget it.
578
00:21:25,658 --> 00:21:27,869
You gotta keep an eye on it
or it will burn your house down.
579
00:21:28,161 --> 00:21:30,330
The Trash Stove.
42329
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