Original subtitles

Tell me what you want. You know what I want.

Ah. Say it. I wanna hear you say it.

Ooh, I want a porch. Oh!

A big, wide porch with weathered shingles.

Mm, yeah. And a dock.

A dark pine dock that goes on forever.

Oh, my God! Just buy a lake house already,

so we can stop hearing about your big black dock.

- Al. - Oh, I get it.

I was supposed to say big African-American dock. Sorry.

Better. 2012.

Guys, scootch down. Daphne Wilson.

Daphne Wilson?

I haven't seen her since fourth grade.

I ran to her last week, She just moved back

and already she cornered me to go get tea with her.

Tea? What kind of loser drinks tea?

Oh, no. Damn it. She saw me.

I don't remember her being that bad.

It was easy for you to avoid her

with your fancy freestanding house.

I had to live across the hall from her.

Oh, my God. A tea party sounds amazing,

but I have a Girl Scout meeting

I totally can't resched.

I was never a Girl Scout, but to keep her from finding out,

I bought and resold Samoas

until the GS of A sent me a cease-and-desist letter.

What's so bad about her?

She can never have a meaningless convo like a normal person.

She just keeps asking questions like she actually cares.

Ugh! Sounds like a monster.

You'll see. But I think I came up

with a pretty solid excuse

as to why I can't have tea with her.

Penny, hi. How's the turf toe?

Day to day.

Oh, my God! Jane, Alex, hi. Hi.

I haven't seen you in so long.

Congrats on your store.

I hear you're carrying a line

of wildly extravagant hand creams.

I knew Mom disapproved.

Why can't she just say it? Choose your battles.

You guys. What if I bring tea up to your apartment

and we catch up? Oh.

We would love that,

but we can't have anyone to our place. Water damage.

It turns out filling an air mattress with water

does not a water bed make.

Oh, no. All right. Well, catch you later.

Byes. Oh, byes.

Byes all around. Thank God that's over.

Why didn't you say you were busy?

Then she would know I'm blowing her off.

A specific lie spares her feelings.

Plus it's easier. I'll probably never see her again.

- Hey, guys! - Oh!

Ow.

Okey-dokey. I left my bag.

Crazy me. Catch you later.

- Bye, girl. - Oh...

She sneaks right up on you, huh?

Really, Mom?

You show me a better price on diamond-infused hand cream

and I will match it. I'm serious.

Oh, so you drink tea?

Who put this here? Waiter.

Penny. Penny, wait.

Feel my hand. It's diamond-soft.

Tell it to your mother. Funny running into you here.

I came to see if I could help with your water damage.

I know a lot about mold.

You are so sweet, but it's all fixed.

New floors, new paint,

our vintage Italian Analyze That poster.

Sounds cool. Can I come in and see?

Oh, that would be great,

but we were actually headed over to Brad and Jane's.

I'd love to see them. Can I come?

I mean to their lake house for a couple of days.

Sounds fun. Can I come?

We'd love to invite you, but we can't.

Why not? Oh, uh, it's a two-bedroom.

It's little. How little?

So little the mice are like, "What's up?

It's crowded up in here, yo."

They have little mice that can speak?

No, it's just a turn of phrase.

Wow, that was amazing.

All I did was walk through the door.

No, I meant about last night. Last night was amazing.

Oh. Heh-heh.

Aha!

I told you, no subletters.

Damn it, Darren. She's not a subletter.

She just stayed the night. Well, you and Max

have so many guys and girls parading around here,

it feels like one subletter. How many girls?

A lot. No.

L, on the other hand, would love to take you out,

like a lady. Like a gentleman.

Like, I'd be the gentleman and you would be the lady.

Thanks, but maybe some other time.

Okay.

You blew that for me, man.

Damn it, Darren. What is your problem, man?

You're always hassling us.

You still haven't fixed the oven.

Too bad, Casanova.

I'll fix it when I fix it. My God.

Our stupid landlord won't fix the oven

and keeps perving out on my chicks.

Yeah? Well, tell Darren to suck it

because I just invented something awesome.

Check it out. The trashcan stove,

or as I call it, the trove.

Look at this brisket, huh?

Only took 18 hours to cook, hickory-smoked,

falling off the bizzone and straight out of the trash.

I'm gonna call it a trisket.

Triscuit is already a thing. And I'm pretty sure

the fumes from that will kill us in our sleep.

Yeah, but you gotta admit,

in your sleep's a pretty chill way to go.

So you're staying here for a few days?

I had to say something. She literally cornered me.

Not cool. Why did you say our lake house is little?

Now she's gonna think we have to hang our beach cruisers

from hooks in the kitchen like savages.

You lied to her face

and now you're hiding out for three days,

so you didn't have to tell her you don't wanna have tea?

I want her to think I'm nice.

Why? Because schmoes like us

need people to think we're nice.

It is all we've got.

The only people who get away with being mean

are rock stars, brain surgeons or Mr. Phil.

You mean Dr. Phil. Come on. It's a PhD.

Everybody calm down.

Al, you can't stay here.

Our landlord's already on us

about having too many people sleep over.

But it'll be like Three's Company.

I'll be adorable Chrissy

and Max can be hilarious Jack,

and you'll be Janet. I'm not Janet.

Classic Janet.

Stop it. This is not Three's Company.

Come and knock on our door.

I know you're in there.

It's our nosy landlord. Hide.

I know you're hiding another girl in here.

I saw a cute blond coming up the stairs with luggage.

No, no. There's no girl here.

She must have gone to some other apartment.

Then whose purse is this?

Uh, that's, um... That's mine.

I told you, Darren.

I am a gay man.

Are you? Because I've had my eye on you

and you don't seem very gay to me.

Well, I am homosexual. Super gay.

You had better be.

I don't know why I care so much, but I do.

I do. Okay. Great chat.

Why are you nervous? You are gay.

You know I love low-stakes, classic '80s sitcom danger.

That was a close one, Max.

Sure was, Alex.

Stretch. Hi, Brad.

What are you doing here?

I thought you were at the lake house.

Yeah, we were.

Doing a big addition, by the way.

But why are you here? Oh, we had to come back early.

Oh, no. Why?

Uh, Jane was sick.

Oh, no. Jane is sick?

Is it serious?

No. I mean, Jane...

She was sick this morning, but now she's fine.

Jane was sick this morning, but now she's fine?

Is Jane pregnant?

Mm-hm.

Congratulations! Ouch!

Stop drinking wine

and eating soft cheese. You're pregnant.

Everyone's life is moving on but mine.

She's not pregnant.

But I told Daphne you were and she's on her way up.

Why would you tell her I'm pregnant?

No choice. I had to explain why we weren't at our lake house.

We don't have a lake house. I know.

If she mentions it we're in the middle of a big remodel.

Okay. She literally cornered me.

Told you.

I just want her to think I'm nice.

So now you're lying too? Mm-hm.

This is ridiculous.

You two may be terrified

of people not liking you. I'm not.

We'll see about that.

Jane, congratulations! You're so tiny.

- I can hardly tell. - You really do look great.

You can barely see my baby in her.

Daphne, now is not really a good time.

I am thrilled you felt close enough to tell me so early.

When we were kids, I always had the impression

that you didn't like me too much.

I always liked you.

I knew it. I always had a suspicion

that you were secretly nice.

I am nice. You are.

Now you have to let me throw you a shower.

I would love that,

but you can't. Why not?

Alex is already throwing me one, tomorrow.

Wow, why so early?

Serbian tradition. We always do things early

because we never know when we're gonna have to pack up

and murder a populace.

I love cultural traditions. Yeah, they're fun.

So yeah, it's just gonna be a small,

intimate gathering at Alex's,

you know, type of deal, sort of vibe thing.

No, you can't do it at Alex's.

The new paint fumes are bad for the baby.

That's a good point. Thinking about the baby.

Oh! I have the best idea.

We should do it at my friend Kat's restaurant.

I'll co-host with Alex

and you can make it as big as you want.

Too generous, you are.

I'm gonna make the call and get to planning.

Yay! Wait.

I'm gonna have a baby shower.

Yay! Wait.

Wait! Hmm.

Alex, please. I can't co-host

a fake baby shower for Jane with Daphne for you.

What? But you have to.

Daphne is almost here and you're the only one childlike enough

to believe it could work. I know, I love that about me.

But I can't host a fake baby shower.

That's gotta be bad luck somewhere.

Okay, fine, so you want me to just tell Daphne

that you won't host it? She's gonna think I'm mean.

Or you can say you'll do it and seem nice.

I'm in. Yes!

This is gonna be fun.

I'll get a penis-shaped cake and a penis piñata.

It's a baby shower, not bachelorette.

Right, right.

What penis stuff should I get? Oh, God. Daphne's here.

She cannot know that I am behind this.

The plan or the counter? Both.

Hey. Al.

Are you as psyched as I am to be planning this together?

Yeah, sure am.

Oh, no. You're ambivalent.

Huh? And I know why.

Seeing Jane married and pregnant

has made you regret turning down the greatest guy.

John Krasinski? Dave.

I always had the biggest crush on him.

John Krasinski? No, Dave.

Anyway, I can't believe you would break Dave's heart.

I always thought you were too nice to do that.

No, I am nice.

Uh, I'm a lesbian. Heh!

Great. Congratulations. Thank you.

So you wouldn't mind if I asked Dave out?

Uh, no, you don't wanna do that.

Why? What's wrong? He's dying.

It's terminal.

Oh, no.

Let it out.

Dave! Dave,

do you remember Daphne Wilson from grade school?

I knew it! That's the blond I saw from before.

Nice try sneaking another girlfriend in here, hotshot.

Hey, I'm not just some blond. I'm a bottle blond.

Really? Your hair looks so creamy and natural.

Well, it's not and he's not my boyfriend.

Wow, really?

Okay. Um, I was...

Then maybe I could make things up to you

over, um, dinner sometime.

Like, just whenever. Oh.

It could be... Sorry. Maybe some other time.

Another time, then. Yeah.

All right, great. Okay.

Okay. Okay, that'll be fun.

Okay. See you.

Hey, Darren.

When are you gonna fix our stove?

I'll fix it when I fix it.

Damn it. What?

You couldn't lead him on until he fixed our stove?

That's what Chrissy would have done.

Max, life is not like Three's Company.

Aah! There's that pesky Daphne. Hide! Run!

My trapple pie!

Why did you tell her I was dying?

I wanted to save you from having to go out with her.

What's so bad about her anyway?

It's hard to say. She's really nice, she's sweet.

I get it. Ugh.

I am not letting her think that I am dying.

I get to hide again. I get to hide you.

Dave. Hi. It's been a long time.

You look better than I expected.

I brought you hot soup and some ice chips.

And you call me if you need anything else.

I'm Max. Hi. How are you?

I lost all my money to Bernie Madoff.

Oh, you poor thing.

I wanted to be included so I came up with a lie.

Phone, please.

It is great to see you up and about.

I put my number in your phone.

You call me if you need anything else.

Look, I'm not dying.

Oh, that's the spirit.

Ow.

Byes!

Goodbye. It was nice of you to come here.

Thank you... She's a demon.

Things have gotten out of control,

but I know what we need to do. Put an end to this insanity?

Get our stories straight. I told so many lies as a kid,

the only way I could keep track was to write them

in my Greetings Feline diary.

Greetings Feline?

We didn't all have a fancy house

filled with real Hello Kitty shwag.

Sorry.

Anyway, I called it my lie bible or lible.

Idiot.

A libel is already another thing.

You're trying to patent trisket.

How about step off? David, don't.

Alex, you need to dress like a lesbian.

Yup, I'm gay. You're three months along.

No, I am not pretending I am pregnant anymore.

This is not eighth grade gym class.

Throwing a shower for a fake baby is insane.

Jane, who loves to be the center of attention more than you?

No one. And, Brad, you love improv and tiny clothes.

I can't think of another couple that is better suited

to make a mockery out of such a joyous occasion.

Aw... Let's do it.

Yeah!

Aha! I knew it! An unlicensed cooking device.

I've been looking for a reason to get you out of this building

and now I got the grounds to do it.

Whoa, take it easy, baby.

Where's all this anger coming from, huh?

Is it really about a serious danger

to the building and all its tenants?

Or is it about deep-seated loneliness and fear?

Loneliness and fear. That's what I thought.

I also happen to think that you are pretty into Alex.

And I happen to know that she is pretty into you.

No, she is not. "Maybe some other time" is a blow-off.

We will be at this party later.

And I know for a fact that she would love to see you there.

Really? Yeah.

Alex loves guys that show up at baby showers uninvited.

Cool. Yeah.

Okay. What else does she like?

Salsa. The dip or the dance?

Both.

Why don't you take this?

Okay. All right, thanks. Yes.

That's her favorite kind of salsa.

Saves me a trip. Oh, and you know what?

Try to switch it up with the wardrobe, huh?

Right now I can't tell the difference

between your skin and your shirt and jacket.

You know what I mean?

Hey, Top Gun.

Man, I can't do this. Daphne is a nice person.

I'm gonna tell the truth.

If we don't go through with this baby shower,

Darren won't hook up with Alex. He's gonna kick us out.

That is a crazy plan.

I know, but this is a crazier plan.

Max! Max, come on, man.

What are you doing? Bye!

Max?

Max!

Oh, it kicked.

Yeah. I think it did kick.

You're right. You're right.

Hi. Hi, hi. Oh.

So apparently, I'm carrying high.

Heh-heh. I don't know what that means.

Aren't you loving it? Great shower.

Yeah, I love it. I mean, it's incredible.

But I still can't believe you'd rather go through all this

than just tell Daphne the truth.

Trust me. It's easier this way.

Hey, Jane, love your coworker Susan.

Well, we love Jane.

Don't take too long a maternity leave

or we'll cry more than the baby.

Susan.

Get out of here, you two.

Oh, off you go.

Who the fuzz was that?

She's a professional seat-filler.

Yeah, I paid them all $20

to mingle festively and respond to social cues.

Plus they do get first dibs on centerpieces.

- Oh, no. - A suit? Ha-ha!

Why does a baby need a suit, huh? Ha-ha!

What, does he have a job?

He's not fooling anybody. He's a baby.

Tell him not to cut the tags.

They have to go back tomorrow. Okay, okay.

I'm cutting these tags. I'm never giving this back.

Hey, everybody!

What are you doing? I'm Ellen.

Oh, boy.

If I gotta be a lesbian, might as well go straight to the top.

You are insane.

Am I?

Alex, I want you to meet my friend Kat.

You guys are gonna love each other.

Hi. Hey.

Let's grab a drink. Great.

I met somebody.

Oh, God.

You see, the beauty of the machine

is that it cooks the food

while it incinerates the magazines. Ha-ha.

I'm basically a young, handsome Ron Popeil.

Max, where's Dave? I had to leave him at home.

He threatened to blow this whole operation.

Had to go ghost protes on him.

He needs to be here.

Well, he's not here, so... Max, hi.

Where's Dave?

He took a real turn for the worse. I'm sorry.

Oh, no. Well, I'm gonna go call him.

God, no. She's gonna call him, he'll tell her the truth

and she's gonna realize what terrible people we are.

Relax. I stole his phone.

You're not the only one that's good at this game, Emily Thorne.

Stop freestyling and leave the lies up to me.

Fine. Then you figure out

how to get my landlord to hook up with Alex.

What? No. Not today.

Alex is busy pretending to be a lesbian.

Damn it. I forgot.

Dave and I are gonna be out on the streets.

I'll have to find a trumpet, learn to play it

until a music producer discovers my talent.

Dave won't have it so good. He'll live life on the rails.

The cocaine rails.

Unfortunately, he will also be living on a train,

making it extremely difficult to do cocaine

because you're bumping around. You need...

Let me handle it. Go and stall him.

Oh, no, they didn't. Ha!

Who's he kidding now? Yeah!

What's he gonna do, bust through some wood?

He's not a black belt, he's a baby.

What the hell is this? It's a breast pump.

You'll need it when you go to work.

I don't know that I'm gonna be breast-feeding.

Uh, yeah, you are.

Plus you're not wanna go back to work for a while.

How do you know what I'll want?

Just want me to stay at home and just pump my canisters?

Technically, if you stay home,

you won't need to pump your canisters.

Okay. Shut up, Susan.

Alex, I need you out here now.

Times have a-changed, okay?

Lesbians can use the ladies' room now.

Deal with it. Listen, dope,

I need you to tell Max's landlord

that you'll go out with him. Kat and I are hitting it off.

Pretend to be straight for 10 minutes

and then you can go back to being gay.

It's not a choice.

Ow. No. This isn't Three's Company.

You can't just transform a person

by undoing a button and a ponytail.

Forget it. She's not even here.

Yes, she is. Look.

Wow.

Go to her. Alex loves a spicy dip.

The food or the move?

Both.

Stop dancing. But he's dancing.

I gotta hand it to you. I am really impressed.

You had a lot of plates in the air and kept them all spinning.

It's all thanks to my old lible.

Really gave me the confidence to pull this thing off.

Don't tell me how to raise my baby!

Well, if that's how you feel, raise it yourself!

No. You guys have to stay together for the baby.

There is no baby!

What's going on? I can explain.

Alex, what are you doing?

Why are you dancing with this guy?

Because I'm Ellen. And I'm straight.

So you're not attracted to me?

No.

So you're attracted to me. Nope.

Okay, what's going on?

Stop! Aah!

Dave, what are you doing out of bed?

You look worse than ever.

I'm not dying. I was just locked up

next to a fume-emitting death machine.

Okay, I'm still working out some of the kinks,

but it is a culinary game-changer I'm telling you.

Penny, what's going on?

I've been lying to you, Daphne.

And I was so worried about hurting your feelings

that I got everyone else to lie to you too.

The truth is, I don't wanna have tea with you.

- Tea? What tea? From last week? - Yeah.

And intermittently over the last 21 years.

Do I talk about tea that much?

You do.

That is a fact.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks.

So you paid all these people to be here?

Yes. Except the caricaturist.

Thanks, Ira.

I am so sorry again. You must hate me.

No. I just don't understand

why you wouldn't tell the truth.

I don't wanna have tea with someone

who doesn't want have tea with me.

I would love to have tea with you.

Really? Yeah.

I'd like that.

You know what, Daphne?

Let's get that tea.

Maybe some other time.

Phew! Dodged a bullet.

I don't have to get tea with her and she still thinks I'm nice.

But I've learned my lesson.

Nothing good ever comes from lying.

Well, actually, something good did come from it.

It made us realize there's something missing in our lives.

We're not entirely ready, but, I mean, who is, right?

So we're just gonna go for it.

Guys, we're buying a lake house.

Yes! We're gonna be weekenders!

I claim top bunk!

Yeah. Yeah.

Lake house! Lake house!

Lake house! Lake house! Lake house!

Tired of cooking in a conventional oven?

Tired of preparing the same old food the same old way

at the same old consistent temperature?

Well, then the Trash Stove TM is for you.

But don't just blatantly trust me.

Ask my buddy, Dave.

Keep that thing away from me, dude.

Trash Stove TM. It'll cook anything.

Goats, Chinese food, you name it.

FDA patent approval pending,

but, hey, they haven't said no.

The Trash Stove TM.

Set it and forget it. Don't forget it.

You gotta keep an eye on it or it will burn your house down.

The Trash Stove.