Original subtitles

If we're talking anaerobic exercises, different story,

because you're using your own body weight,

an efficient form of strength training.

What's happening? Dave is joining my gym,

so I'm gonna become his new fitness guru.

No, he's not, but I am gonna get ripped.

Deal with it. I'm confident we can.

You go to the gym? Mm-hmm.

An exercise gym? Oh, yeah.

I love the gym. The steam room, the smoothies,

the free 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner.

Haven't heard you mention working out.

I'm a gym rat. I live there. But do you exercise there?

Know what else I love? Wearing gym clothes.

People see you, they feel bad about themselves.

Did they hit the gym today? No. Did I? Yeah.

But what did you do there?

Also pretty great? Gym shoes.

Shoot me a text on how this shakes out. I have a ton to do

to get ready for my meeting with the homeowners association,

- of which I am... - Two-term president.

The vote of which was... Unanimous.

We're building a roof garden, and I have to do everything.

But with the HOA, it just makes more sense to give one person

complete power to suppress opposition and criticism.

I think you said the definition of fascism.

Nothing new. Jane has always been president of everything.

Student body, National Honor Society, our immediate family.

It's true. I'm secretary of state.

So only four people have to die for me to become president.

Jane running the building means I'm first gentleman.

People stand a little taller when I get in the elevator,

and Mr. Olsen gives me a ham every month

to maintain his parking spot.

Ugh. Politics. Get ready, America.

There are two black men in office up in here.

Actually, there's a lot more than two black men in office.

Whoa. Dial back the rage, Dave.

You had your day.

Ah, you guys are so good.

I'm definitely not making it to the gym today.

Pen, you really gotta start taking care of yourself, okay?

Max, why are you dressed like Josh Brolin from The Goonies?

You noticed! She noticed! Of course I did.

I did too. I didn't want to say.

Get out of here.

Wow, Max. I'm impressed.

You really know how to lead by example.

Yeah, well, my way works for me, and that's what's important.

You know, Dave, if you're not interested,

I'll go check in with my clients that value my expertise.

Hey, yo, Derrick!

I love the way you're keeping it active.

Always be moving. Check this out.

Curls for the girls, thighs for the guys,

and bi's for the bi's.

D-rock, you're not actually paying this guy, are you?

Oh, no, no, no. He's paying me. Ha-ha-ha. JK.

Actually, he owes me $900.

Drama!

Seriously, how do I get him to pay?

I'm behind on rent. It's real drama.

Probably not gonna see that money.

Damn.

Oh.

Just working yourself in. That's cool. I was...

I'll just jump in on the next set.

You'll jump in when I say you can, bitch.

I'm sorry. What? I said, walk away.

Yeah, that's cool. I'm... I'll just...

I-I can be done.

I've just got some lat thing going here.

I got a lat attack.

I just... I could...

Did you hear that guy just call me a bitch?

Yeah, and not in a good way, like, "Hey, bitch!

Your skin's amazing. I wanna cut your face off. I hate you."

This is the problem with gyms. Dudes trying to impress girls.

Oh, no, no, no. Corey's gay.

Yeah, he hits on me all the time.

I just never reciprocate because I could do so much better.

He's kind of your ceiling.

He's kind of my floor.

The second floor if you're standing on the first.

Well, you know, you're both fat.

Yeah, he's kind of a strong fat.

Yeah, right. I'm strong. He's fat.

He's strong. You're fat.

Fat is fat. Look, the point is,

you thought he was straight because he's a bully.

But us gays can be anything we want, son,

lawyers, congressmen, murderers, dentists...

Life coaches for rich people's pets.

It's a thing. Get into it.

Thanks for all your help, everyone.

We are gonna have the best rooftop garden.

It is gonna be just like The Secret Garden,

but without that super sick kid, right? Ugh.

Jane, get this.

I decided I'm gonna learn to play golf.

That's a dumb idea.

God, the pill's making me crazy.

A couple of us had some other ideas about the rooftop garden.

I'm pretty sure I covered everything with my poster,

but go ahead. We thought it might be nice

to have elderfiowers because they grow these berries.

Ooh, berries. Nice, right?

Huh. Michael, that could be a good idea.

Except for when those berries attract pigeons and rats,

and they poop everywhere.

It just takes one person inhaling a little poop dust,

and we've got a full-on hantavirus outbreak.

But in that one week

before we're all immobilized by disease,

we could enjoy some really nice berries.

Ooh, berries.

I guess I hadn't thought this through.

Yeah, I guess you hadn't.

Why don't you focus less on killer berries

and more on parking your Maxima inside the lines in the garage?

I'm so sorry. No, don't be.

We... We all do things. All right.

His idea was terrible.

Haven't you ever heard the expression,

"You catch more fiies with honey"?

You catch more with a fly strip, with its combination

of pheromones and a chemical adhesive.

Far and away your best bet. You seem really stressed.

Okay, how about the next time,

before you lose it on someone, you sleep on it.

See what happens.

Everything's much clearer the next morning.

I'd lose all my steam.

No way I can stay fired up that long.

That's the point. Remember when I was gonna file that complaint

against my neighbor's cockatoo, but then I slept on it.

The next day, I bought that bird a Clementine,

which it choked on. Problem solved.

Think about it. Not my jam.

Do I have to go re-park my car?

So he definitely didn't say it in a good way, like,

"Hey, bitch. Your hair is glowing, okay?

Where'd you get that deep condition?

No, but who cares what that guy thinks.

He doesn't even wipe down the machines. Such a jerk.

Yeah, he's totally a jerk.

Like, a super-hot, dangerous jerk.

What? What?

Dude, what? Did I...? Was I speaking out loud?

Sorry. I was never into him before,

but something changed for me this morning. I love bad boys,

like Will Smith in the movie Bad Boys

or even Martin Lawrence in Big Momma's House.

Or Téa Leoni in Bad Boys.

What? I like my bad boys with vaginas.

It doesn't matter. Problem is solved. I did the mature thing.

You talked to the manager.

My gym is being ruined and a manager needed to be informed.

What Dave doesn't realize is that snitches get stitches.

There it is. Your bully mentality is back.

What? You were a bully? Yes.

But you're so tiny. You're so small.

You're the smallest thing I've ever seen.

"I'll get you!" "Come here! Come here!"

You want some?

She got her growth spurt earlier than the other kids.

I'm gonna need that soda,

your glitter headband, tomorrow's spelling homework,

and 50 cents

to buy a unicorn eraser from the school store.

Eddie Kang!

I know you are not on my slide right now.

I am not like that anymore, okay? And as a recovering bully,

I know that we're all bark and no bite.

You need to stand up to him. He'll back down.

What happened to Eddie Kang? We dated a couple years later.

He got taller, and I got boobs. That is a fact.

So...

This is what we're doing now? It's homo slo-mo.

Cooling down is an important part of working out.

Plus, "homo" rhymes with "slo-mo."

And Lake Como. Clooney has a house there.

Dave, Corey has something he wants to say.

Hey, I'm really sorry about the other day.

I was in a bad mood. I shouldn't have taken it out on you.

I should have taken it out on that StairMaster.

Because this place is not about anger.

It's about fitness.

Thanks, man.

Stop the violence. Increase the peace.

Or as my bumper sticker says, "coexist."

Wow, that's a great message.

Thanks, Gunnar. Thanks.

Good trainer. Great dad. He's a great trainer.

Did you tattle on me?

Oh, I'm so conflicted.

Haven't you heard? Snitches get stitches.

How is this a phrase that everybody's heard but me?

You step in here again and I'll kick your ass.

Do you think he thinks about me?

I mean... He, uh... He, um...

He's... He's not a...

Penny. Hey.

I was just bebopping in the neighborhood

and I was wondering, any fallout

from your interaction with Michael the other day?

What? No. We're fine.

Cool, cool, cool. It's just that I found this in your lobby.

Twist! Michael's running against you for president.

Well, that's fine.

You know what? It'll be nice

to have a friendly rival to defeat.

It's not like we're enemies.

His slogan is: "Help me destroy our common enemy.

"Be heard. Be respected. Be allowed to suggest...

Oh, I don't know... A berry tree."

Um, when was this photo taken,

and why are you making the Kobe Bryant intensity face?

Jane, none of this would have happened

if you had just slept on it. Will you just give it a try?

Chilling out could be good for our image.

People like a relaxed leader.

Instills confidence, makes them free and easy with their hams.

Stephanie.

Did you get my message about the gazebos?

We could buy it from my cousin's company,

so I brought some pamphlets.

I did get your message, and you know what?

It made me want to absolutely...

Sleep on it. Great.

Great. Great.

Okay, thanks.

Mm-hm. Same face.

Brad. Um-mm.

I feel...

great.

Here, look at these. Any of these gazebos would do.

Sleeping on it is amazing. You gotta try it.

Was trying.

Try it again. I'll watch.

Are you doing it? Bitch, it is 5:30!

Dave? What are you doing here? It is not safe.

What if Corey sees you and he yells at you,

and it's too sexy. And then he and I fall in love?

I'm gonna do what Alex said, I'm gonna stand up to the guy.

You got my back? No.

Corey, can we talk?

Of course.

We were born with mouths, weren't we?

Listen, man. I think I know what this is about.

You were probably bullied as a kid,

possibly because you're gay.

I think it's time that we have a conversation

with 10-year-old Corey,

and tell him to stop pushing people away.

Hi, little Corey. You got a buddy.

This guy.

Oh, my God. It was crazy.

It was like watching an episode

of Real Club Girls of Atlantic City.

I mean, Dave was all like,

"Theresa, grab that girl's weave,

because it is just too"...

God, I am spending way too much time with Derrick.

Well, thanks a lot, Al.

I stood up to him and he didn't back down.

What do I do now? If I was still a bully,

which I no longer am, because I worked through that,

I'd throw a weight in his face, then 50 push-ups to celebrate.

As much as I'd like to see that

because nothing delights me more than enraged exercise,

I think the safest thing for Dave is quit the gym.

No! No, I am way too proud to quit.

Plus, I already tried and it didn't work.

Now I see that your name tag says "manager,"

but do you happen to have a manager?

There's only one thing that's gonna work.

You gotta go back to the gym and fight him.

You know what? You are right.

I am not going down without a fight.

I am gonna march back to that gym,

and I am getting out of my contract.

Oh, no, she... No, I meant...

Yeah, she meant more like a...

So she's been doing this all day?

Just lounging? Yeah. Sleeping on it worked.

Yeah, it did.

She is a totally different person.

I can get away with anything now.

Hey, babe.

I took your Atlantic Monthly into the bathroom

while I was doing my business.

I was pooping. Great.

Awesome.

She doesn't care. She doesn't care.

What are all those papers you got there?

I put up a suggestion box in the lobby

to try to integrate feedback,

because everyone's opinion is valid.

That's my easygoing president.

Oh. A streetlamp inside the lobby.

That's a funky switch-about.

Babe, everybody's loving the box.

They're really feeling heard. I'm proud of you.

Take that, Michael. Pow.

You know, I gotta say, I love going with the flow.

Rolling with the punches.

Just flying by the seat of my very, very chill pants.

You know what I mean?

Well, if any pants could fly, it would be those.

You're welcome. Thank you.

Now watch this.

Look at this delicious plate of nachos I found, everybody.

I think I'm gonna have some while sitting on this couch.

I would like chips and some oily, unruly cheese.

They taste better the further you are from the napkins.

Oh, look. Look, Jane.

Man on wire.

Oh. I hope he doesn't fall.

Uh-oh.

I'm sorry. I...

Oh, God.

Mm. Let's get into that.

That is some... Jane.

Jane.

Oh, my... Mm.

That's just nasty. It's really hot.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah. You tell the manager I'll wait.

I'll wait here all day long if that's what it takes.

You don't wanna get into a patient wait-off with this guy.

Hey, Big Bird, what are you doing?

The weights are supposed to go up, silly.

What are you working on, your upper failures?

Yeah, I'm funny.

This is wrong, man.

Hey, dingus. Hello.

Your ball looks swollen. I'm worried about you.

You should get that thing removed.

Why?

Okay, this ends now.

Corey.

Back for more, dum-dum? Yes, I am.

I am sick and tired of you pushing everybody around.

We need to go mano y mano, compadre.

I don't speak Spanish.

I'm saying that we should fight, all right?

Me and you, tomorrow, 3 p.m., out front.

Let's do it, you little monkey.

Really? That was your monkey?

Again? You're trying again?

That was awful.

I could do a better monkey. Do it.

Better monkey!

You tell the manager I'll call him back on my time.

Babe, did you go grocery shopping today?

Because there's nothing in here.

No, I didn't get around to it. I was too busy just kicking it.

I think there's some leftovers in the crisper.

In the crisper? Not where those go. That's for crispy stuff.

Why don't you hit up the store?

You said I'm not allowed to go shopping alone.

Eh. You'll be all right, dog.

Don't call me that.

People are pushing for pink gravel in the garden.

Uh-huh. That could work.

I'm gonna go take a nap. Think about it.

Maybe buzz one out.

"Buzz one out"?

That's a weird way to say "snoring."

Oh. Hey, Mr. Olsen. I am so glad to see you.

And you brought my monthly ham.

Great, because I am starving,

and I am so scared to go shopping.

No, this isn't for you.

What? I'm here to discuss

how everything's falling apart in this building.

Packages being left in the lobby.

There are unauthorized flyers on the bulletin board.

Someone's offering math tutoring.

You can't run a business out of your house.

Jane was just trying to be open to people's suggestions.

Oh.

Well, you guys are gonna earn your hams.

Did he just slam my door in his face?

So Dave is really gonna fight a guy? Our Dave?

The same Dave who wept during Jeremy Renner's Oscar speech?

How is that gonna work? I don't know.

He's gonna have to sit on the guy's back

so he can't breathe then shove his face in the dirt.

Or at least that's what someone could do.

Whoa, Brad. You looking funky. Yeah.

I am wearing cargo shorts

because my pants are in the dry cleaners,

and I don't know which one we go to.

It's kind of a decent look.

Yeah, my top half is at a museum fundraiser,

my bottom half is selling veggie burritos

in a parking lot outside a Widespread Panic concert.

No, that is... accurate.

Penny, I want the old Jane back.

Okay, I know I turned her this way,

but I don't know how to turn her back.

I do.

How's it going, Jane?

I'm being held in a chair against my will, but I'm cozy.

I'm sorry. Looks like your pal Stephanie

has a bunch of great ideas for your roof garden.

Here's my favorite. A family of plastic gnomes.

She calls them "The Tinytons."

They've got a mailbox, Jane.

You know what? I might take a nap on it.

Bang out a quick fiver. Don't let her.

You didn't tell me I was gonna have to do this.

Penny! Wake up, slut.

And that's not all.

You haven't even weighed in on the gazebo yet.

And the options are way worse than you thought.

They're novelty gazebos, Jane.

Novelty.

It's like the idea of a gazebo

is, like, some big joke.

Shut your mouth, Penny!

And you always make my haircut appointments, Jane.

It's been days. Look at all this hair.

I look like Gene Wilder.

I'm a monster.

The trash hasn't been picked up in days.

It may never get picked up again.

I'm sure Michael could handle that.

Right, Michael? I don't want to handle that.

I'm so sorry I ran against you, Jane.

The people in this building are animals. Somebody...

Somebody is tutoring in their condo.

We are not zoned for that!

Hello? I need to cancel an order of gnomes.

Penny, I need you to remove the suggestion box

before people think their ideas are valid.

Brad, get me a new pair of pants.

I look like a Turkish whoremaster.

You did it, Al! My baby's back.

Did I eat nachos?

You sure you wanna do this?

You could fake your own death.

No. I've done it. Super easy.

If you're in Newark, New Jersey,

do not ask for Joseph Reynolds.

He's a ghost. No, Max.

You can't just fake your own death through life.

That's no way to not live.

You're right,

and you're pumped up. I like it.

Oh, we gonna shake hands now? Faced!

Go, Dave! Punch his shirt off!

Or whatever you feel is best for the situation.

Last chance to back out. No way.

No way.

Because a real man takes action when action is necessary.

And when action calls upon him, he seizes the moment.

That is cray.

And he defends his beliefs.

Ain't it, Dave?

He stands up for himself, and anybody

that's ever been oppressed or victimized,

or driven to the point of no...

What are you doing? I was gonna punch him after my remarks!

I couldn't help it. Your speech was so inspiring.

You're like the straight Patrick Henry.

Patrick Henry wasn't gay.

Okay, you got it, Dave.

I cannot believe I liked that guy.

Wow, I-l never...

I mean, you just really... Hmm.

Wanna get a coffee?

Java!

So was Patrick Henry really gay?

A lot of the forefathers were gay.

You should watch the Gay History Channel.

That's a thing? It's called Bravo.