All language subtitles for Happy.Endings.S02E13.1080p.BluRay.x264-YELLOWBiRD

If we're talking anaerobic
exercises, different story,

because you're using
your own body weight,

an efficient form
of strength training.

What's happening?
Dave is joining my gym,

so I'm gonna become
his new fitness guru.

No, he's not,
but I am gonna get ripped.

Deal with it.
I'm confident we can.

You go to the gym?
Mm-hmm.

An exercise gym?
Oh, yeah.

I love the gym.
The steam room, the smoothies,

the free 2-in-1
shampoo and conditioner.

Haven't heard you
mention working out.

I'm a gym rat. I live there.
But do you exercise there?

Know what else I love?
Wearing gym clothes.

People see you,
they feel bad about themselves.

Did they hit the gym today? No.
Did I? Yeah.

But what did you do there?

Also pretty great?
Gym shoes.

Shoot me a text on how this
shakes out. I have a ton to do

to get ready for my meeting
with the homeowners association,

- of which I am...
- Two-term president.

The vote of which was...
Unanimous.

We're building a roof garden,
and I have to do everything.

But with the HOA, it just makes
more sense to give one person

complete power to suppress
opposition and criticism.

I think you said
the definition of fascism.

Nothing new. Jane has always
been president of everything.

Student body, National Honor
Society, our immediate family.

It's true.
I'm secretary of state.

So only four people have to die
for me to become president.

Jane running the building
means I'm first gentleman.

People stand a little taller
when I get in the elevator,

and Mr. Olsen
gives me a ham every month

to maintain his parking spot.

Ugh. Politics.
Get ready, America.

There are two black men
in office up in here.

Actually, there's a lot more
than two black men in office.

Whoa.
Dial back the rage, Dave.

You had your day.

Ah, you guys are so good.

I'm definitely not
making it to the gym today.

Pen, you really gotta start
taking care of yourself, okay?

Max, why are you dressed like
Josh Brolin from The Goonies?

You noticed! She noticed!
Of course I did.

I did too. I didn't want to say.

Get out of here.

Wow, Max.
I'm impressed.

You really know
how to lead by example.

Yeah, well, my way works for me,
and that's what's important.

You know, Dave,
if you're not interested,

I'll go check in with my clients
that value my expertise.

Hey, yo, Derrick!

I love the way
you're keeping it active.

Always be moving.
Check this out.

Curls for the girls,
thighs for the guys,

and bi's for the bi's.

D-rock, you're not actually
paying this guy, are you?

Oh, no, no, no. He's paying me.
Ha-ha-ha. JK.

Actually, he owes me $900.

Drama!

Seriously,
how do I get him to pay?

I'm behind on rent.
It's real drama.

Probably not gonna see
that money.

Damn.

Oh.

Just working yourself in.
That's cool. I was...

I'll just jump in
on the next set.

You'll jump in
when I say you can, bitch.

I'm sorry. What?
I said, walk away.

Yeah, that's cool.
I'm... I'll just...

I-I can be done.

I've just got
some lat thing going here.

I got a lat attack.

I just... I could...

Did you hear that guy
just call me a bitch?

Yeah, and not in a good way,
like, "Hey, bitch!

Your skin's amazing. I wanna
cut your face off. I hate you."

This is the problem with gyms.
Dudes trying to impress girls.

Oh, no, no, no.
Corey's gay.

Yeah, he hits on me
all the time.

I just never reciprocate because
I could do so much better.

He's kind of your ceiling.

He's kind of my floor.

The second floor
if you're standing on the first.

Well, you know, you're both fat.

Yeah, he's kind of a strong fat.

Yeah, right.
I'm strong. He's fat.

He's strong. You're fat.

Fat is fat.
Look, the point is,

you thought he was straight
because he's a bully.

But us gays
can be anything we want, son,

lawyers, congressmen,
murderers, dentists...

Life coaches
for rich people's pets.

It's a thing.
Get into it.

Thanks for all your help,
everyone.

We are gonna have the best
rooftop garden.

It is gonna be just like
The Secret Garden,

but without that super sick kid,
right? Ugh.

Jane, get this.

I decided
I'm gonna learn to play golf.

That's a dumb idea.

God, the pill's making me crazy.

A couple of us had some other
ideas about the rooftop garden.

I'm pretty sure I covered
everything with my poster,

but go ahead.
We thought it might be nice

to have elderfiowers because
they grow these berries.

Ooh, berries.
Nice, right?

Huh. Michael,
that could be a good idea.

Except for when those berries
attract pigeons and rats,

and they poop everywhere.

It just takes one person
inhaling a little poop dust,

and we've got a full-on
hantavirus outbreak.

But in that one week

before we're all immobilized
by disease,

we could enjoy
some really nice berries.

Ooh, berries.

I guess I hadn't
thought this through.

Yeah, I guess you hadn't.

Why don't you focus less
on killer berries

and more on parking your Maxima
inside the lines in the garage?

I'm so sorry.
No, don't be.

We... We all do things.
All right.

His idea was terrible.

Haven't you ever heard
the expression,

"You catch more fiies
with honey"?

You catch more with a fly strip,
with its combination

of pheromones
and a chemical adhesive.

Far and away your best bet.
You seem really stressed.

Okay, how about the next time,

before you lose it on someone,
you sleep on it.

See what happens.

Everything's much clearer
the next morning.

I'd lose all my steam.

No way
I can stay fired up that long.

That's the point. Remember when
I was gonna file that complaint

against my neighbor's cockatoo,
but then I slept on it.

The next day,
I bought that bird a Clementine,

which it choked on.
Problem solved.

Think about it.
Not my jam.

Do I have to go re-park my car?

So he definitely didn't say it
in a good way, like,

"Hey, bitch.
Your hair is glowing, okay?

Where'd you get
that deep condition?

No, but who cares
what that guy thinks.

He doesn't even wipe down
the machines. Such a jerk.

Yeah, he's totally a jerk.

Like, a super-hot,
dangerous jerk.

What?
What?

Dude, what? Did I...?
Was I speaking out loud?

Sorry.
I was never into him before,

but something changed for me
this morning. I love bad boys,

like Will Smith
in the movie Bad Boys

or even Martin Lawrence
in Big Momma's House.

Or Téa Leoni in Bad Boys.

What?
I like my bad boys with vaginas.

It doesn't matter. Problem is
solved. I did the mature thing.

You talked to the manager.

My gym is being ruined and a
manager needed to be informed.

What Dave doesn't realize
is that snitches get stitches.

There it is.
Your bully mentality is back.

What? You were a bully?
Yes.

But you're so tiny.
You're so small.

You're the smallest thing
I've ever seen.

"I'll get you!"
"Come here! Come here!"

You want some?

She got her growth spurt
earlier than the other kids.

I'm gonna need that soda,

your glitter headband,
tomorrow's spelling homework,

and 50 cents

to buy a unicorn eraser
from the school store.

Eddie Kang!

I know you are not on my slide
right now.

I am not like that anymore,
okay? And as a recovering bully,

I know that we're all bark
and no bite.

You need to stand up
to him. He'll back down.

What happened to Eddie Kang?
We dated a couple years later.

He got taller, and I got boobs.
That is a fact.

So...

This is what we're doing now?
It's homo slo-mo.

Cooling down is an important
part of working out.

Plus, "homo"
rhymes with "slo-mo."

And Lake Como.
Clooney has a house there.

Dave, Corey has something
he wants to say.

Hey, I'm really sorry
about the other day.

I was in a bad mood. I shouldn't
have taken it out on you.

I should have taken it out
on that StairMaster.

Because this place
is not about anger.

It's about fitness.

Thanks, man.

Stop the violence.
Increase the peace.

Or as my bumper sticker says,
"coexist."

Wow, that's a great message.

Thanks, Gunnar.
Thanks.

Good trainer. Great dad.
He's a great trainer.

Did you tattle on me?

Oh, I'm so conflicted.

Haven't you heard?
Snitches get stitches.

How is this a phrase
that everybody's heard but me?

You step in here again
and I'll kick your ass.

Do you think he thinks about me?

I mean... He, uh... He, um...

He's... He's not a...

Penny.
Hey.

I was just bebopping
in the neighborhood

and I was wondering, any fallout

from your interaction
with Michael the other day?

What? No. We're fine.

Cool, cool, cool. It's just that
I found this in your lobby.

Twist! Michael's running against
you for president.

Well, that's fine.

You know what?
It'll be nice

to have a friendly rival
to defeat.

It's not like we're enemies.

His slogan is: "Help me
destroy our common enemy.

"Be heard. Be respected.
Be allowed to suggest...

Oh, I don't know...
A berry tree."

Um, when was this photo taken,

and why are you making
the Kobe Bryant intensity face?

Jane,
none of this would have happened

if you had just slept on it.
Will you just give it a try?

Chilling out could
be good for our image.

People like a relaxed leader.

Instills confidence, makes them
free and easy with their hams.

Stephanie.

Did you get my message
about the gazebos?

We could buy it
from my cousin's company,

so I brought some pamphlets.

I did get your message,
and you know what?

It made me want to absolutely...

Sleep on it.
Great.

Great.
Great.

Okay, thanks.

Mm-hm. Same face.

Brad.
Um-mm.

I feel...

great.

Here, look at these.
Any of these gazebos would do.

Sleeping on it is amazing.
You gotta try it.

Was trying.

Try it again.
I'll watch.

Are you doing it?
Bitch, it is 5:30!

Dave? What are you doing here?
It is not safe.

What if Corey sees you
and he yells at you,

and it's too sexy. And then he
and I fall in love?

I'm gonna do what Alex said,
I'm gonna stand up to the guy.

You got my back?
No.

Corey, can we talk?

Of course.

We were born with mouths,
weren't we?

Listen, man. I think I know
what this is about.

You were probably bullied
as a kid,

possibly because you're gay.

I think it's time
that we have a conversation

with 10-year-old Corey,

and tell him to stop
pushing people away.

Hi, little Corey.
You got a buddy.

This guy.

Oh, my God.
It was crazy.

It was like watching an episode

of Real Club Girls
of Atlantic City.

I mean, Dave was all like,

"Theresa,
grab that girl's weave,

because it is just too"...

God, I am spending
way too much time with Derrick.

Well, thanks a lot, Al.

I stood up to him
and he didn't back down.

What do I do now?
If I was still a bully,

which I no longer am,
because I worked through that,

I'd throw a weight in his face,
then 50 push-ups to celebrate.

As much as I'd like to see that

because nothing delights me
more than enraged exercise,

I think the safest thing
for Dave is quit the gym.

No!
No, I am way too proud to quit.

Plus, I already tried
and it didn't work.

Now I see that your name tag
says "manager,"

but do you happen to have
a manager?

There's only one thing
that's gonna work.

You gotta go back to the gym
and fight him.

You know what?
You are right.

I am not going down
without a fight.

I am gonna march
back to that gym,

and I am getting
out of my contract.

Oh, no, she... No, I meant...

Yeah, she meant more like a...

So she's been doing this
all day?

Just lounging?
Yeah. Sleeping on it worked.

Yeah, it did.

She is a totally
different person.

I can get away
with anything now.

Hey, babe.

I took your Atlantic Monthly
into the bathroom

while I was doing my business.

I was pooping.
Great.

Awesome.

She doesn't care.
She doesn't care.

What are all those papers
you got there?

I put up a suggestion box
in the lobby

to try to integrate feedback,

because everyone's opinion
is valid.

That's my easygoing president.

Oh.
A streetlamp inside the lobby.

That's a funky switch-about.

Babe,
everybody's loving the box.

They're really feeling heard.
I'm proud of you.

Take that, Michael.
Pow.

You know, I gotta say,
I love going with the flow.

Rolling with the punches.

Just flying by the seat
of my very, very chill pants.

You know what I mean?

Well, if any pants could fly,
it would be those.

You're welcome.
Thank you.

Now watch this.

Look at this delicious plate
of nachos I found, everybody.

I think I'm gonna have some
while sitting on this couch.

I would like chips
and some oily, unruly cheese.

They taste better the further
you are from the napkins.

Oh, look. Look, Jane.

Man on wire.

Oh.
I hope he doesn't fall.

Uh-oh.

I'm sorry. I...

Oh, God.

Mm.
Let's get into that.

That is some... Jane.

Jane.

Oh, my...
Mm.

That's just nasty.
It's really hot.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.
You tell the manager I'll wait.

I'll wait here all day long
if that's what it takes.

You don't wanna get into a
patient wait-off with this guy.

Hey, Big Bird,
what are you doing?

The weights
are supposed to go up, silly.

What are you working on,
your upper failures?

Yeah, I'm funny.

This is wrong, man.

Hey, dingus.
Hello.

Your ball looks swollen.
I'm worried about you.

You should get that thing
removed.

Why?

Okay, this ends now.

Corey.

Back for more, dum-dum?
Yes, I am.

I am sick and tired of you
pushing everybody around.

We need to go
mano y mano, compadre.

I don't speak Spanish.

I'm saying that we should fight,
all right?

Me and you, tomorrow, 3 p.m.,
out front.

Let's do it, you little monkey.

Really? That was your monkey?

Again? You're trying again?

That was awful.

I could do a better monkey.
Do it.

Better monkey!

You tell the manager
I'll call him back on my time.

Babe, did you go
grocery shopping today?

Because there's nothing in here.

No, I didn't get around to it.
I was too busy just kicking it.

I think there's some leftovers
in the crisper.

In the crisper? Not where those
go. That's for crispy stuff.

Why don't you hit up the store?

You said I'm not allowed
to go shopping alone.

Eh.
You'll be all right, dog.

Don't call me that.

People are pushing
for pink gravel in the garden.

Uh-huh.
That could work.

I'm gonna go take a nap.
Think about it.

Maybe buzz one out.

"Buzz one out"?

That's a weird way
to say "snoring."

Oh. Hey, Mr. Olsen.
I am so glad to see you.

And you brought my monthly ham.

Great, because I am starving,

and I am so scared
to go shopping.

No, this isn't for you.

What?
I'm here to discuss

how everything's falling apart
in this building.

Packages being left
in the lobby.

There are unauthorized flyers
on the bulletin board.

Someone's offering
math tutoring.

You can't run a business
out of your house.

Jane was just trying to be open
to people's suggestions.

Oh.

Well, you guys
are gonna earn your hams.

Did he just slam my door
in his face?

So Dave is really gonna fight a
guy? Our Dave?

The same Dave who wept during
Jeremy Renner's Oscar speech?

How is that gonna work?
I don't know.

He's gonna have to
sit on the guy's back

so he can't breathe
then shove his face in the dirt.

Or at least
that's what someone could do.

Whoa, Brad. You looking funky.
Yeah.

I am wearing cargo shorts

because my pants
are in the dry cleaners,

and I don't know
which one we go to.

It's kind of a decent look.

Yeah, my top half
is at a museum fundraiser,

my bottom half
is selling veggie burritos

in a parking lot outside
a Widespread Panic concert.

No, that is... accurate.

Penny, I want the old Jane back.

Okay,
I know I turned her this way,

but I don't know how
to turn her back.

I do.

How's it going, Jane?

I'm being held in a chair
against my will, but I'm cozy.

I'm sorry.
Looks like your pal Stephanie

has a bunch of great ideas
for your roof garden.

Here's my favorite.
A family of plastic gnomes.

She calls them
"The Tinytons."

They've got a mailbox, Jane.

You know what?
I might take a nap on it.

Bang out a quick fiver.
Don't let her.

You didn't tell me
I was gonna have to do this.

Penny!
Wake up, slut.

And that's not all.

You haven't even weighed in
on the gazebo yet.

And the options
are way worse than you thought.

They're novelty gazebos, Jane.

Novelty.

It's like the idea of a gazebo

is, like, some big joke.

Shut your mouth, Penny!

And you always make
my haircut appointments, Jane.

It's been days.
Look at all this hair.

I look like Gene Wilder.

I'm a monster.

The trash hasn't been picked up
in days.

It may never get picked up
again.

I'm sure
Michael could handle that.

Right, Michael?
I don't want to handle that.

I'm so sorry
I ran against you, Jane.

The people in this building
are animals. Somebody...

Somebody is tutoring
in their condo.

We are not zoned for that!

Hello? I need to cancel
an order of gnomes.

Penny, I need you
to remove the suggestion box

before people think
their ideas are valid.

Brad,
get me a new pair of pants.

I look like
a Turkish whoremaster.

You did it, Al!
My baby's back.

Did I eat nachos?

You sure you wanna do this?

You could fake your own death.

No.
I've done it. Super easy.

If you're in Newark, New Jersey,

do not ask for Joseph Reynolds.

He's a ghost.
No, Max.

You can't just fake
your own death through life.

That's no way to not live.

You're right,

and you're pumped up.
I like it.

Oh, we gonna shake hands now?
Faced!

Go, Dave!
Punch his shirt off!

Or whatever you feel
is best for the situation.

Last chance to back out.
No way.

No way.

Because a real man takes action
when action is necessary.

And when action calls upon him,
he seizes the moment.

That is cray.

And he defends his beliefs.

Ain't it, Dave?

He stands up for himself, and
anybody

that's ever been oppressed or
victimized,

or driven to the point of no...

What are you doing? I was gonna
punch him after my remarks!

I couldn't help it.
Your speech was so inspiring.

You're like the straight
Patrick Henry.

Patrick Henry wasn't gay.

Okay, you got it, Dave.

I cannot believe
I liked that guy.

Wow, I-l never...

I mean, you just really... Hmm.

Wanna get a coffee?

Java!

So was Patrick Henry really gay?

A lot of the forefathers
were gay.

You should watch
the Gay History Channel.

That's a thing?
It's called Bravo.