Original subtitles

Where's Penny?

Who shows up late to their birthday?

She's actually right on time.

I told you guys to come earlier so you wouldn't be late.

You witch. You tricked us.

Can't go around daylight-savings'ing people.

That makes no sense.

Guys, honest opinion.

Does this outfit make me look like a tree?

You mean tree as in the way

a New Yorker would say the number "tree"?

Because you look like a tree out of 10.

Let's go to Times Square,

and get some famous Ray's Pizza. Hoo-ah. Uh-oh.

I'm stuck in a Pacino. Hoo-ah!

We need to focus, okay?

We cannot repeat when Alex and Dave ruined Penny's birthday.

As long as Dave doesn't bring someone

from Degrassi Junior High, I'm sure we'll be fine.

Hey, if Degrassi is on the field, play ball. Am I right?

Sorry. Proud of the wordplay, not the message.

Real talk, guys?

- Penny's had rough birthdays. - To Penny!

What is that?

I don't know. A dog?

It was being cool on the way over!

Oh, boy.

That was the most hilarious near-death experience ever.

And I've seen Anthony Anderson play tennis.

Is it just me or is Penny's birthday cursed?

Hella cursed. Definitely.

There is a curse amongst us. Terribly cursed.

Which is why we have to do better, okay?

Tonight, we gotta bring in the noise

and, time permitting, also da funk.

Hey, friends. Happy birthday!

You look so good.

Hi. Are you okay?

I feel like this is fake,

but love the enthusiasm. What is the plan for tonight?

Hope you have on your eating pants.

Because we are taking you to, drum roll, please.

Nothing? Okay, I hate you guys.

Big Dom's! Big Dom's!

Are we sure we wanna go there?

What? You were saying the other day you love that place.

Yeah, but I heard since then it's gotten pretty racist.

And we got this guy.

Who? You don't mean me?

I haven't eaten all day in preparation,

so I don't care if they sit me next to a Nazi stormtrooper.

Darth Vader was a Nazi? Oh, come on, Penny.

Big Dom's isn't racist. We made a whole thing, let's go.

I'm not allowed to go back there.

What?

When I broke up with Nick,

he wanted us split up our favorite places.

And he insisted on getting Big Dom's.

Wow. He sucks.

But the good news is I got Saul's Discount Eyewear.

Wow. Yeah, I am not a great negotiator.

But whatever. Let's come up with a new plan.

The curse of Penny's birthday strikes again.

Ow! Ow! What curse?

Oh, nothing. We just all decided

your birthday was super cursed.

Shh. What? That is ridiculous.

I mean, have I had some rough ones? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, I heard that!

Not being able to go to our first choice restaurant?

That is not the sign of a birthday curse.

Power outage.

The curse of Penny's birthday has struck again.

Max, you're leaning on the light switch.

The curse of Max's love handles has struck again.

No worries. There are a million restaurants.

I'm sure we'll find a great one for my birthday, like, um...

- Uh... - Right.

Hmm.

Did everybody else's mind just go blank?

Totally blank.

Yeah, that was crazy. So black.

What I was thinking about: if Mary Tyler Moore

married and divorced Steven Tyler,

married and divorced Michael Moore,

then got into a three-way marriage

with Demi Moore and Mandy Moore, would she go by the name

Mary Tyler Moore-Tyler-Moore-Moore-Moore?

Okey-dokey. - Yeah.

Ow.

I'm starving. Let's throw out some restos.

This is a safe space.

All ideas are welcome, as long as they're not stupid.

Well, you guys are in luck.

Because I kind of have a super power

picking the perfect restaurant.

Remember Christmas night 2005?

We were with your diabetic cousin, his vegan girlfriend

and that Hasidic Jew we met at the theater.

Third row, third cast, Rent.

We never thought we would agree on a restaurant

until, out of the blue, I stand up and I say:

"Wu Palace." True story.

Yeah. No reason to make that up.

That was a really beautiful story.

Do you have a suggestion? Wu Palace?

It closed five years ago. Give me a minute to think.

It's not like Superman can fly whenever he wants.

He can. He really can.

I don't care. I am happy going wherevs.

I can go for Indian. I had that for lunch.

I'd do Thai. I had Thai too.

Barbecue? Oh, my God.

Uh... What about tapas?

I could do El Toreador.

Oh, no, no. No dice. Can't go back there.

Jane and I got caught having sex in the bathroom.

And a few other west-side restaurants

are trouble spots as well.

Hey, you guys mind if I tag in?

Why do you always get caught?

If we didn't wanna get caught, we'd just have sex at home.

Yeah, you dumb idiot.

I got it. Once again, Dave Rose has the solush.

I have the perfect place, a restaurant

that will titillate your senses...

I can't listen to this anymore.

I am too hungry. Let's just go to Medora.

- Yes! - But wait!

Don't you guys wanna hear my idea?

I'm starving. It's a good idea.

Shh.

My super power.

Wu Palace.

I love it, I love it.

Oh, my God. The food smells so good.

I can't believe we got the last table.

It is my 29th birthday miracle.

Thirty-first.

Split the difference, call it 30.

It's still wrong. Either way,

there is no birthday curse.

This place is even better than Big Dom's.

Totally.

Know who would love this place? That barely-legal junk-box

that Dave brought last year.

The one with the tramp stamp

and the tongue ring and the bad hat?

And she's right behind me, isn't she?

No. That's because she's over there.

What?

Oh, my God, it's Jackie.

Guys, I did not know that Jackie worked here.

We can't stay.

Penny's birthday strikes again.

What? First, there is no curse.

Secondly, that was over a year ago.

She doesn't even remember us.

Well, look who it is.

My least-favorite people ever.

Great to see you again.

Here we go! That bitch still young.

So, Jackie, how's high school?

Well, Alex, if you must know, I'm graduated.

Good. Congrats.

I'm waiting tables to save for stripping lessons

so I can save forjunior college.

Got a lot on the burner. Very responsible.

Not that it's any of your business,

but I'm dating a guy who has his own car

and could totally kick your ass.

Can he rent without his parents' signature?

Because I can. His parents are dead.

So if this is uncomfortable for you,

we can get another waiter.

No. Yeah.

I'm excited about waiting on you guys.

I'm gonna make sure your food gets extra-special attention.

She's definitely gonna do something sloppy to our food.

Hell, yeah. Yeah. No confusion on that.

She's not gonna do anything, as she's a professional.

Yeah, when I was a waiter, I was a professional too,

unless you did something I didn't like.

Then I introduced your eggs Benedict

to my eggs and Benedict.

His Sackman and Throbin.

Here you go.

Fried calamari. On the house.

Enjoy. Hmm.

There was something objectively creepy about that.

Guys, it's no bigs. Let's just go to another restaurant.

Oh, fine, but I'm starving.

I don't wanna hear any of this,

"Ooh, I can't go there" stuff, okay?

The first place someone says, we're going.

Silvers. Ooh, I can't go there.

Why? When I used to work there,

I got fired because me and me and management

didn't see eye-to-eye about some of their policies.

You guys got the cash? I got the stuff.

I got a bone-in ribeye.

It goes for 30. I'll give it to you for 10.

I got a Kansas City...

Who buys half-eaten steak? Aha, David.

Certified preowned steak, and no one.

I have a brain idea. El Agave.

Yes! Yes. El Agave!

It's so much fun. They'll fry anything.

I don't know. That might be a little weird for Brad.

It used to be kind of a breakup spot for him.

You had a restaurant

to break up with people? Ah, yes. El Agave.

It was perfect.

There was a mariachi band, the silverware was plastic

and the tables were bolted to the ground.

I really think we need to see other people.

You little bitch!

Great story, but can we stop sitting around here

reminiscing like homos and get over to El Agave

and shove our face with tacos like homos?

I'm not really a fan of El Agave.

Have you been there? Yeah.

You took me there once.

When we were dating. Oh.

Hm...

You got the pizza menu.

Don't they put pizzas on all menus?

I don't know. Let me look.

Why don't you explain to me

why you took me to your breakup restaurant, Brad?

It wasn't just my breakup restaurant.

It was also my "impress a date with my Spanish" restaurante.

Aw. isn't that sweet?

I don't remember you speaking any Spanish that night.

In fact, instead of ordering tacos,

you asked for meat, lettuce and cheese

in one of those crispy, half-moon envelope thingies.

Before you guys go any further, can I just say something?

Jane, there's no food in your purse.

I'm wasting away over here.

All you have is newspaper clippings

from when you used to figure skate.

What is wrong with you?

You were so good. Yeah, no.

I'm gonna go to the bar and destroy myself.

So why don't you get me when you pick a restaurant?

Preferably one my husband

didn't take me to to curb-stomp my heart.

The curse has got Jane.

For the last time, there is no curse.

I mean, are two of my best friends fighting

on my birthday? Yes.

But, you know, is Max dangerously close

to eating tainted squid? Yes.

I could do it.

I once ate peanut butter I found in a mousetrap,

and it did not kill me. You ate that?

She urinated on this. These are minor setbacks

and I am not gonna let anything

- ruin my 29th... - Thirty-first.

Agree to disagree. ...birthday.

Still wrong. You were born 31 years ago.

Faster than a speeding bullet, I've got a new idea.

Table 23. What do you say? Yes!

I love Table 23! Jane loves that place.

Maybe it'll help her cool off.

Actually, Jane hasn't been welcome there

since she challenged their no-substitutions policy.

My cheese, my choice, alrighty?

Look at that, looks great.

Okay. All right. Tell my story!

We restaurant owners absolutely hate substitutions.

I mean, would you tell Armani where to put the buttons? No.

So I will not put the aioli on the side, Jeff.

Stop calling yourself a restaurant owner.

Restaurants don't have windshield wipers.

Everyone's blood sugar is a little bit low.

Is that a straw harpoon? We just need to calm down,

get some food in us, and let cooler heads prevail.

- This ends now. Brad. Brad! - Oh?

Fix things with your wife.

I wanna see if he's gonna... Just go!

I cannot believe I'm going to do this,

but I am gonna smooth things over with Jackie.

You two stay here and keep an eye on Max.

My bad.

Damn it! Ugh!

Sorry. I'm holding this.

Yeah. Everyone thought, you know, gold medal.

And the kicker is Oksana Baiul stole all of my moves.

Hey, boo. Do not boo me, okay?

Can't you see I am hanging out with my new friend Andy?

Is this the guy? Okay, chill down.

He'll eat your world. Listen, Jane, you were right.

I was planning on breaking up with you that night.

Great news. Thanks so much for the update.

But it was because things were getting so serious,

and I was young, and I was scared, and stu...

Stupid. Stupid. There it is.

But you know what happened instead?

So I think we should talk.

Oh, hold that thought.

I will have the fajita enchiladas.

Instead of strips of chicken, I'd like it cubed.

And onions well-done, the peppers crunchy.

I'd like the plate to be sizzling.

I request you not tell me the plate is hot.

I know. It's a sizzling plate.

After that, I knew I'd never go back.

Because I made the waiter cry,

and we got our pictures put up by the bounced checks?

That was part of it.

But I knew I'd never need a breakup restaurant again.

I found a woman who was so sure

of what she wanted, and she wanted me.

Plus, you have freakish upper body strength,

and could have unbolted that table,

and beat me with it. I could have.

Yeah, you could have. You strong.

Strong like a man. Like a man.

You wanna get out of here?

Read the room, dude.

All right. Let's be honest.

You're not my favorite, but tonight is not about us.

It is about my friend Penny's birthday.

And I am sorry last year I called you an underage slut.

If there is any way that you could bring us food

that isn't laced with your bodily fiuids

it would help us out of a jam.

I didn't do anything to your food, Alex,

but I did just slash the tires to Dave's Altima.

That's what you get for not calling me

after taking me to the prom.

Okay, Dave doesn't drive an Altima.

Hold up. He took you to your...

Prom? You went to her prom?

Was there food? What was the food situation?

Was there an omelet bar? Was there a buffet?

Yes, okay, I went to her prom,

but only because I was writing a story

for the Chicago Sun-Times

and my boss was breathing down my neck.

Never Been Kissed. The real reason I went

was because I'm sort of pathetic.

We realized when you cast yourself

as Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed.

Come on, what's pathetic

about a grown man attending a high school prom?

Did you lose your virginity like you always hoped?

You're jealous because you missed your prom.

She was dating a poet that told her prom

was a holiday invented by tuxedo companies.

Nathan wasn't a poet. He was a bard.

Guys, please, just stop fighting, okay?

Jackie told us it is safe to eat here.

So can we order and enjoy yourselves?

A 29th birthday comes around once.

Thirty-first.

You're right. Happy 29th birthday.

Happy 29th birthday.

Thank you. Okay? Yes.

B-day back on track. No curse.

I'm sorry. I have to ask you all to leave.

I just caught your friends in the bathroom having sex.

Oh, God!

Guess what, guys.

We made up. Yay.

Well, all right.

I've been thinking about this restaurant problem

and I think I came up with a solution.

We are too inside-the-box. We gotta branch out.

Talk about restaurants that don't exist.

For example, where does Gollum eat?

Okay, just let it go. Sir? Thank you.

Look, you guys were right.

I think this birthday curse is a real thing.

It is like... It's like the Madden curse.

What does your birthday have to do with being

on a video game? The Becky Madden curse.

A girl I went to camp with. She had the worst luck.

One time, she peed all over herself

in the middle of a ropes course.

And then last year, she was killed in a murder-suicide

at the state fair. Sorry for your loss.

No. Penny, you are not gonna give up now, okay?

Things are about to turn around.

We're all gonna go get in your ca...

- Car. - Not cool.

Oh, that's an Altima.

I just paid that off.

Here you go, miss. Thank you.

Guess I will be walking home. No. Penny.

We'll make your birthday awesome

whether you like it or not. Tonight, we break the curse.

That curse should be scared. We are bunch of criminals

and sex addicts with terrible judgment

and we can ruin anything we put our minds to.

We are gonna ruin that stupid curse.

Great moments are born from opportunity.

That's what we have here tonight.

I'm tired of hearing how great a hockey team the Soviets have.

Screw them. Yeah... Wait.

Is that the Kurt Russell speech from Miracle?

It's their time up there. It's our time. Down here.

It's all over the second we ride Troy's bucket.

She's doing Goonies?

We gotta do what we should have done.

We gotta take Big Dom's back. Yes. Thank you.

No way. That's Nick's place. He goes there every night.

We go to 10 restaurants, we get kicked out of nine,

but not that restaurant, not tonight.

So let's get it out there and take it.

She's back to Miracle. She's having a stroke.

U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Kerkovich, party of six. Not taking no for an answer.

Your table is right this way.

Oh, right. We never canceled the reservation.

What do we do? How do we take back a restaurant?

First, we knock out the busboys.

Take their uniforms. Then look for a duct.

Here, things get complicated.

How quickly can you grow a mustache?

Quicker than most. Doesn't matter.

Once we get crawling in the heating ducts,

there's a possibility...

Now that I got some food in me,

I think climbing through the vents is excessive

and knocking out the busboys is mean.

Why don't we just sit

and have a normal meal? Yeah. You guys,

I'm sorry I was being so crazy.

I don't know why I ever had any problem with this...

Oh! There's Nick!

Your instinct is to hide under the table?

What's the endgame here?

I've made mistake. Don't tell him I'm here.

Uh, hey. You're Penny's friends, right?

Mmm. She's not here with you?

Maybe. No. I don't know.

She's all around us.

We had this arrangement she would stay away from here.

Yeah, we're all privy to your arrangement, Nick,

and as a restaurant owner, I find it offensive.

Nobody should own a restaurant except me,

a restaurant owner.

Dude, give it up.

Whatever. When you see Penny,

tell her I left some stuff at her place.

I would like it back. Know what?

Tell her yourself.

Because she's here and standing tall.

Emotionally standing tall.

I am under the table.

Why are you under the table?

I can go wherever I want whenever.

And... And my blouse is caught on something.

She got caught. Makes a lot of sense

why she'd be under there.

You don't get Big Dom's.

You don't get to ban me.

If you're uncomfortable seeing me,

then just stay away.

Oh, and, Nick? One more thing before you go.

A-get a-to a-steppin'.

Walk on down them stairs.

Guys, we did it.

The birthday curse is officially defeated.

Okey-dokey.

No. You know what?

I'm fine with this,

because all that matters is that Big Dom's is ours again.

I am sorry. This is a family restaurant.

I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Yeah, that's a solid policy.

We'll see ourselves on out.

U.S.A.!

U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

See? I told you guys I'd come up with the perfect place.

Yeah, Rosalita's. Great save.

We come here every night.

This place is my emergency contact

mostly because someone says I don't know

what is and is not an emergency. You are welcome.

We should have come here first.

I do wish I'd gone to the bathroom

before Brad and Jane got in there.

It's a minute to midnight, so you survived your birthday.

Yes, and I overcame the birthday curse.

- No more curses. - No more curses!

This cannot be good for you.

Oh, she just wants the salt.

She just wants the salt.

Oh, my God. Did we just switch bodies?

Here we go!

This pizza is amazing.

I'm Dave.