Original subtitles

Thank you for coming to the unveiling

of my latest culinary creation. Max?

Have you ever felt like the Big Mac wasn't big enough

or the Footlong wasn't feet long enough?

Have no fear, ladies and gentlemen,

and feast your eyes upon Steaktanic!

Two pounds of meat. Steaktanic.

One liter of garlic aioli.

Steaktanic.

A half a block of smoked Gouda, three layers of lettuce,

iceberg, dead ahead.

Wow, that is disgusting and illegal, I think.

Steaktanic. I gotta do something.

This hot-dog truck parking next to me, they're killing me.

Oh, Dogs in Heat. That place is legit.

Oh, I love that commercial:

Their meat can be beat. I will beat their meat.

This whole town will see me beating...

Oh, I see.

You know what you need? A commercial.

Arm twisted. I'll direct it.

What? Yeah, remember my short film

I did in college, Dogleg Right?

The gripping tale of a semiprofessional golfer

who had his leg amputated,

only to have it replaced by that of his German shepherd?

Heart of a champion, leg of a champion dog.

Get those DVDs out of my garage.

Max, no offense. if I was gonna make a commercial,

I'd hire a professional.

So things are going great with my sweetums, Keith.

Four dates in, all systems go.

So we're not doing segues now?

I gave those up with gluten.

- Mm. - Weird part is,

now that I have a guy, everybody wants to set me up.

Oh, I know. Al. What?

I should hook you up with my "extras."

You know my co-worker Teresa with the baby teeth?

Yeah. The big gums?

She told me about this guy, Liam, who sounded amazing.

Thank you, but I am enjoying being single, okay?

Like when I go to the movies,

I get to solve pre-movie trivia at my own pace.

Did you know Jack Palance did his stunts for City Slickers

but didn't do them for the sequel? Yeah.

You can give Liam my number.

I think I'd better.

Wow, Liam, this place looks amazing.

Well, Penny mentioned you studied in France,

and I thought of this place.

Oh, I got mono the first day, so the only French I know

is from lying in bed watching Cheers reruns.

Norm!

So tell me, who is Alex?

She's loving this bread, I'll tell you that.

You know, for a fancy place, it's sort of dead.

Haven't they heard of a flyer?

I have a little confession to make.

I rented out the entire restaurant.

I have planned an amazing evening.

Whatever you desire is yours.

In that case,

I'll have a little more of this bread.

Land. Leap.

Honey, do you really need to practice

your parkour exercises in the house?

Babe. Okay, that's twice now.

And you're sweating on my bruschetta.

Okay, as undistracting as all this is,

you're not gonna be able to practice

your little extreme walking for a few days,

because remember

my sorority sister Sara is coming to town

for her yearly visit. Oh, yeah. Sara's coming again.

That's awesome.

I know. We are going to have so much fun entertaining her.

First, we're gonna hit up that farmers market

and then take a visit to the Russian Tea Room.

Am I done? Nope, not "nyet."

Because when we want to crank it up,

we're gonna go to that place

where you get custom perfumes made.

It's gonna be nuts. What?

What are you doing? Raising the roof

on signature scents right now.

That is what's happening.

Stop. All righty.

Babe, I'm not gonna be here.

I have a work retreat in Michigan. What?

Yeah. It's not the same without you.

I know. My retreat is not gonna be the same either.

I hate playing Capture the Flag without you.

Yeah, because I'm stealth as hell.

You're damn right you are. Tiger roll!

We okay?

You're gonna make an actual commercial

and not let me direct.

Max, it would be better to go with professionals,

not somebody who wears a turtleneck

he found on the ground. Ah-ha.

This is a mock turtleneck, and I found it in the garbage.

Getting a phone call from my real buddy, Brad.

I bet he'd let me direct a commercial for him,

a commercial about friendship.

- Hello, amigo. - Max.

Need a favor, buddy.

I forgot my sleep-apnea device.

I need you to bring it to my hotel.

In Michigan? I don't know where that is.

You know Michigan is.

You were an extra in the movie 8 Mile.

And, uh, I'm not in Michigan, I'm in Chicago.

What are you doing in Chicago?

Every year, Jane's annoying sorority sister comes.

So last year I faked a retreat because I could not take it.

We're easy, we're easy We're easy on the eyes

We're spread, we're spread We're spreading our wings

We're soar, we're soar

We're soaring Through the skies

Whoo!

It's just a staycation.

I get to relax, make awesome staycation friends.

Like, who did I meet today?

That's Brent Musburger.

You are looking live at Brent Musburger.

And his new best friend, Brad Williams. Back to you, Max.

What are you doing here? I stay here every time

I cover the Northwestern Wildcats.

By the way, if you're hungry, they make a mean Musburger.

Why are we laughing?

I'm on a staycation, so who cares?

So, Penny, are things still going well with Keith?

Yeah. Like, our date last night was great.

It was super low-key.

We ate grilled-cheese sandwiches.

We watched Con Air, talked about whatever.

Life, love, daylight savings time.

Arizona doesn't even do it.

Speaking of dates, how was yours with Liam?

I know first dates can be rough.

It was kind of crazy.

He rented out the whole restaurant.

Wow. Yeah.

That's a lot for a first date.

He had a private dancer teach us the moves to "Private Dancer."

That's my jam. Then we had a helicopter tour.

Well, my date was also awesome.

It was so, ooh...

Like, we watched Con Air with the director's commentary.

So here I am laughing and learning.

Guess what. Sara just canceled last minute.

I'm having an entire pamper spa package

delivered in an hour.

But I guess staging an intervention

for her dad trumps all of that.

So a helicopter tour? Yeah.

Was that a Groupon or did he pay up front? What's the story?

What am I gonna do now?

Hey, you guys wanna hang? We can pamper ourselves, ladies.

Honey-roasted cashews, lavender-scented towels,

coming in red-hot for you.

I can't. I have another date with Liam.

He's picking me up in a horse-drawn carriage for a ride.

Slow down, Liam.

Yeah, well, Keith is picking me up

in the Batmobile.

What? He's a bat exterminator

and that's what his company calls the van,

but still very grand.

Thank you for coming

to my very first TV commercial.

Now, this is what the industry calls a "rough cut."

So it's not there yet, okay?

It's gotta go through various phases like the sound mix,

which is different from sound design.

People don't know that. Stop.

Play.

Hi. I'm Dave Rose.

And this is my truck, Steak Me Home Tonight.

Here at Steak Me Home... Tonight

we only use the finest ingredients.

And if you happen to be browsing the internet,

visit my World Wide Web address.

Well, that was...

Horrible. No.

Yeah. Yeah.

No, no. Hey. You were in it.

What am I gonna do? I already paid for airtime.

You can't show that to anyone.

Dave, walk with me.

Look, wanna know why that commercial sucked?

Because you were working with a director

that doesn't know you

and know that you are terrible on camera.

I know you and know how to get a great performance out of you.

Dude, I'm the Dave Whisperer.

Yeah, but can you do it for no money?

I bartered for this outfit using illegal Mexican candy.

I think I got this.

So you breathe through here

and it relaxes the muscles.

Plus you can pretend like you're scuba diving.

Hold up. That's a puffer fish.

No, thanks. I'm scared of the sea.

Man, quack like a little bitch.

Quack. Damn it.

Max forgot the regulator.

He's gotta go back to my apartment.

Your apartment? Don't know where that is.

Come on, man. Jane's probably out with Sara,

but I can't take that chance.

Thanks, Max.

Dude, it's not a toy.

What's happening here?

Pen, I gotta say, with Sara canceling,

I've had the place to myself,

and it has been really, really great.

Picked up my knitting again.

And you better believe

that I don't stick to the conventional stitches.

I guess you could say I'm a knitter with attitude.

My comedy's always been edgy.

You know that.

Strawberries.

Hey, Jane.

Max, what are you doing here?

I will never tell.

Brad lied. He's not on a retreat.

He's on a staycation. What? Tell me everything.

I laugh at your request.

Ow! He's downtown. He can't stand Sara.

I love your fashion. I don't believe it.

It's true. I'm serious.

The way you blend color is effortless and very tasteful.

You need to leave. Fine.

Good day.

Brad, I'm pissed...

...on your behalf,

because you're missing all the fun Sara and I are having.

What's that, Sare-Bear?

You're gonna stay an extra day? Fantastic.

Oh, I gotta go. I love you. Bye.

Oh.

This staycation is the best, man.

If I was at home, I'd have to make surprise eyes

every time Sara would brag about her stupid homemade teas.

What? You're selling oolong? That's crazy.

Those are great surprise eyes.

It's a gift.

I'm sorry things aren't going well.

What do you mean, Brent Musburger?

You're lying to your wife to get space.

Awhite lie. You know what I mean?

That's what the Miami Hurricanes thought

on that muggy Friday afternoon

down in the Orange Bowl back in 1984.

Miami led 45-41,

only five seconds left on the clock.

Hurricanes thought they had it wrapped up,

but somebody else thought differently.

And that somebody

was Douglas Richard Flutie. Flutie.

Flutie back, flush to the right,

he throws it down, 60 yards.

It's caught. Caught by Boston College.

The Eagles win it.

I don't believe it. I don't believe it.

Wow.

So Miami thought they didn't have anything

to worry about and blew it.

I totally get it.

By lying to my wife and taking her for granted,

I could be blindsided by a Hail Mary pass

that shoots through my marriage.

No, my point is

Miami got a little lazy with that Cover 2 defense.

I gotta go, Brent Musburger.

Don't ever change.

Hello, Keith. Hey, Pen.

Why are you dressed so nice?

Did someone die? No.

But you're funny. I was thinking we should go dancing.

Hm?

It's noon. Plus I got us some burgers for lunch.

Oh! You know what we should do?

We should eat those burgers in a hot-air balloon

and then just ride it all the way to Santa Barbara.

What do you think? What are you talking about?

I'm talking about taking our dating to the next level,

to the jet stream, in a balloon,

and then landing that balloon in a hidden vineyard,

where we get drunk on Santa Barbaran Malbec

and we feed each other local spot prawns as we...

Ow.

Are you okay?

Just give me a burger.

Oh, man, the commercial's almost on.

I hope people like it.

Relax. We didn't make this to please the masses.

Max, this is a commercial. That's why we made it.

How are things going with Liam?

Honestly, he's annoying.

I mean, all the grand gestures are getting exhausting.

Like last night, all I wanted to do

was watch The Princess Bride.

See, I told you I could keep it mellow.

Sort of.

The director was on my ass in this scene.

I told him, "You want someone to phone it in,

"get Kirk Cameron.

You want someone to be a savage, you get Fred Savage."

interesting.

Hey, I saw hummus in the fridge.

Is that for the house, or...

is that something I could jump in on?

Yeah, go ahead.

It's all just too much.

I want Liam. What?

Well, technically, he was mine in the first place.

And what if it's meant to be? You don't wanna tempt fate, Al.

Like when you entered a brisket-eating contest

before that loan interview?

Ugh. Not my finest moment.

Oh, commercial, it's on.

It's on.

I remember when my dad and I would just sit on a park bench,

have a hot dog, and just talk about whatever.

It was the best.

That's where my love of Chicago street food came from.

The hot dog had given me so much.

When I was a kid, wanted to give

something back, something new.

So the next time you're craving a hot dog, have one of these.

Thanks, Dad.

That was amazing.

Really? Yeah.

I didn't understand the dog barking

or Puerto Rican guys playing checkers,

but I have never seen you more comfortable.

I know, right? And I have my director to thank for that.

He did, as they say, "help me find my performance."

Know what else is great choice?

You never had Dave say the name of the truck.

It's like a bar that doesn't have a sign.

Only cool people know about it.

We said the name of the truck. Yeah.

Or how you never mentioned or showed steak sandwiches.

Of course, we showed the steak sandwich.

It's clear what we were trying to sell.

Yeah. Hot dogs?

Because you said that like 17 times.

No, we said steak sandwich.

Yeah, we said it quite a bit.

Yeah, we... We said s...

Come on, hurry up. I'm trying.

Pick it up. I'm trying.

I didn't DVR it.

Hey, boo, I'm home.

Where's my Sare-Bear?

I wanna hear how those Earl Greys are selling. Huh?

It looks nice in here. It's cute.

Using the honeysuckle candles for company, huh?

Dipping into my private stock? That's cool.

I'm all right with that.

I love you, baby. Love you.

Oh, you got the wine cracking? That's what's up.

Nice little card.

"Sorry I had to cancel our visit. Love, Sara."

- She canceled? - Hey.

Oh, Lenke, that facial was so relaxing.

I totally "T-zoned" out.

You know, because the T-zone on your face?

No? Nothing. Okay.

Let's get started on my seaweed wrap

because my mani-pedi lady comes at 7,

and I really wanna make the most of this staycation.

Hey, boo. Brad? Brad.

Well, you're home a day early.

You remember Sara. Right?

We're soar, we're soar

We're soaring Through the sky

Brad, what are you doing here now?

Work retreat got cut short.

Decided to come home, see my honey bunny.

Hey, Sara! You look different.

No, Sara's actually not here,

because she just left.

Ah, there was a huge tea disaster

back at the warehouse. I mean, it fiooded

and then it burst into flames.

And now there is a river of hot Darjeeling

just coursing through Cambridge, Massachusetts.

It's no Boston Tea Party, if you know what I mean.

Nothing.

Basic American civics.

That's what happened? Tea fire?

Yeah. It's a shame.

But enough about me. How was that work retreat?

It was... It was great. Yeah. It was great.

Uh, there were rope courses, trust falls, stuff like that.

Uh, turns out I'm actually light as a feather, stiff as a board,

so got that going for me.

Well, sounds like you had a really eventful weekend.

Sounds like you did too.

You went on a staycation! No, you went on a staycation!

You're questioning me? How do we stop doing this?

I have no idea!

I'm glad Liam was cool with the old switcheroo.

I know. Wonder things he's got planned.

You'll see.

Ooh. Here he is.

Hello, my ladies.

How do I find you on this eve?

What's up, Liam? Sweet costume.

Anyhow, have fun.

No backsies.

So great to finally meet you. And I the same.

Teresa, the duchess of your Accounts Receivable Department,

did not speak false when she said you were beautiful.

Tonight we shall dine in the medieval wing

of the Art institute. We shan't tarry another minute.

We shan't. We shan't not, my...

I don't speak English. I mean, British. Let's just go.

Bye.

How did we forget to say I sell steak sandwiches?

Relax.

No one knows what commercials sell what products.

Like Old Spice commercial with the black guy in the shower.

What's he selling? Old Spice.

The Old Spice commercial with the black guy in the shower.

What is he se...? Oh, he's selling Old Spice.

Well, it's pretty quiet around here.

I guess I should go ahead and pack her up for the night.

Hey, man.

Sorry I let you down.

Oh, no, man, we're in it together.

I mean, it was your idea, you shot it,

and you locked me out of the editing room,

but it's on me too.

They call it Hollywood, not "Holly-friends."

- We're not in Hollywood. - Dude.

I saw your commercial. I loved it.

You did? Yeah.

You spoke from the heart, you know?

I called my dad for the first time in nine years.

- Awesome. - Yeah.

Well, we're gonna go get hot dogs,

then play checkers with some Puerto Rican guys.

- See you. - Let's go, son.

- Dad, this is great. - I love you.

We did it.

Take it myself.

Why don't you have pasta salad,

have something in your mouth other than lies?

Okay. And while I'm doing that,

why don't you catch a movie?

Like Liar Liar

or What Lies Beneath.

Ooh, or Narnia. There's a lion in it.

Babe, what are we doing?

Are we lying to each other so we don't have to be together?

Brad, we love being together.

I mean, come on, everyone wishes they had our mojo, yo.

Yeah, I said that. Let's keep moving.

We're coming back. Okay, fair enough.

Look, we go on trips together.

We go to the movies together.

We even go cheese shopping together.

Yeah, like I can trust you to pick a good Camembert.

But there's nothing wrong having a little private time too.

Honestly, didn't you like having a little Brad time?

Well, it was nice watching The Boondocks,

not having to explain why it's funny.

I wanna love it. I don't get it.

Sometimes I don't get it. Maybe it's okay

if once a year Sara comes to visit,

and you have to go on a last-minute work retreat.

Babe, I was lying about work retreats.

We usually go on, like, an off-site...

Oh, it's a metaphor.

I get it. Yeah, you will get it.

Mm. Oh, my God. Oh.

And after dinner, they brought two horses

into the museum courtyard. Shut up.

Liam and his friend dressed up as knights and jousted over me.

It was the most romantic night of my life.

It sounds super romantic.

Oh, you know what? Keith showed up after you left.

Really? Yeah.

Well, the guy is devastated. Was he destroyed?

It was rough. But we ended up hanging out.

Making English-muffin pizzas, talking. It was nice.

It was? Yeah.

After those extravagant dates

where I'm, like, hunting quail,

it was nice to kick back and connect with someone.

It was perfect and so simple.

Hmm.

I want Keith back.