All language subtitles for Happy.Endings.S02E11.1080p.BluRay.x264-YELLOWBiRD

Thank you for coming
to the unveiling

of my latest culinary creation.
Max?

Have you ever felt like
the Big Mac wasn't big enough

or the Footlong
wasn't feet long enough?

Have no fear,
ladies and gentlemen,

and feast your eyes
upon Steaktanic!

Two pounds of meat.
Steaktanic.

One liter of garlic aioli.

Steaktanic.

A half a block of smoked Gouda,
three layers of lettuce,

iceberg, dead ahead.

Wow, that is disgusting
and illegal, I think.

Steaktanic.
I gotta do something.

This hot-dog truck parking
next to me, they're killing me.

Oh, Dogs in Heat.
That place is legit.

Oh, I love that commercial:

Their meat can be beat.
I will beat their meat.

This whole town
will see me beating...

Oh, I see.

You know what you need?
A commercial.

Arm twisted.
I'll direct it.

What?
Yeah, remember my short film

I did in college, Dogleg Right?

The gripping tale
of a semiprofessional golfer

who had his leg amputated,

only to have it replaced
by that of his German shepherd?

Heart of a champion,
leg of a champion dog.

Get those DVDs out of my garage.

Max, no offense. if I was gonna
make a commercial,

I'd hire a professional.

So things are going great
with my sweetums, Keith.

Four dates in, all systems go.

So we're not doing segues now?

I gave those up with gluten.

- Mm.
- Weird part is,

now that I have a guy,
everybody wants to set me up.

Oh, I know. Al.
What?

I should hook you up
with my "extras."

You know my co-worker Teresa
with the baby teeth?

Yeah.
The big gums?

She told me about this guy,
Liam, who sounded amazing.

Thank you, but I am enjoying
being single, okay?

Like when I go to the movies,

I get to solve pre-movie trivia
at my own pace.

Did you know Jack Palance
did his stunts for City Slickers

but didn't do them
for the sequel? Yeah.

You can give Liam my number.

I think I'd better.

Wow, Liam,
this place looks amazing.

Well, Penny mentioned
you studied in France,

and I thought of this place.

Oh, I got mono the first day,
so the only French I know

is from lying in bed
watching Cheers reruns.

Norm!

So tell me, who is Alex?

She's loving this bread,
I'll tell you that.

You know, for a fancy place,
it's sort of dead.

Haven't they heard of a flyer?

I have a little confession
to make.

I rented out
the entire restaurant.

I have planned
an amazing evening.

Whatever you desire is yours.

In that case,

I'll have a little more
of this bread.

Land. Leap.

Honey, do you really need
to practice

your parkour
exercises in the house?

Babe. Okay, that's twice now.

And you're sweating
on my bruschetta.

Okay, as undistracting
as all this is,

you're not gonna be able
to practice

your little extreme walking
for a few days,

because remember

my sorority sister Sara
is coming to town

for her yearly visit.
Oh, yeah. Sara's coming again.

That's awesome.

I know. We are going to have
so much fun entertaining her.

First, we're gonna hit up that
farmers market

and then take a visit
to the Russian Tea Room.

Am I done? Nope, not "nyet."

Because when we want
to crank it up,

we're gonna go to that place

where you get
custom perfumes made.

It's gonna be nuts. What?

What are you doing?
Raising the roof

on signature scents right now.

That is what's happening.

Stop.
All righty.

Babe, I'm not gonna be here.

I have a work retreat in Michigan.
What?

Yeah.
It's not the same without you.

I know. My retreat is not
gonna be the same either.

I hate playing
Capture the Flag without you.

Yeah, because
I'm stealth as hell.

You're damn right you are.
Tiger roll!

We okay?

You're gonna make
an actual commercial

and not let me direct.

Max, it would be better
to go with professionals,

not somebody who wears
a turtleneck

he found on the ground.
Ah-ha.

This is a mock turtleneck,
and I found it in the garbage.

Getting a phone call
from my real buddy, Brad.

I bet he'd let me direct
a commercial for him,

a commercial about friendship.

- Hello, amigo.
- Max.

Need a favor, buddy.

I forgot my sleep-apnea device.

I need you to bring it
to my hotel.

In Michigan?
I don't know where that is.

You know Michigan is.

You were an extra
in the movie 8 Mile.

And, uh, I'm not in Michigan,
I'm in Chicago.

What are you doing in Chicago?

Every year, Jane's annoying
sorority sister comes.

So last year I faked a retreat
because I could not take it.

We're easy, we're
easy We're easy on the eyes

We're spread, we're spread
We're spreading our wings

We're soar, we're soar

We're soaring Through the skies

Whoo!

It's just a staycation.

I get to relax,
make awesome staycation friends.

Like, who did I meet today?

That's Brent Musburger.

You are looking live
at Brent Musburger.

And his new best friend,
Brad Williams. Back to you, Max.

What are you doing here?
I stay here every time

I cover the
Northwestern Wildcats.

By the way, if you're hungry,
they make a mean Musburger.

Why are we laughing?

I'm on a staycation,
so who cares?

So, Penny, are things
still going well with Keith?

Yeah. Like, our date last night
was great.

It was super low-key.

We ate grilled-cheese
sandwiches.

We watched Con Air,
talked about whatever.

Life, love,
daylight savings time.

Arizona doesn't even do it.

Speaking of dates,
how was yours with Liam?

I know first dates can be rough.

It was kind of crazy.

He rented out
the whole restaurant.

Wow.
Yeah.

That's a lot for a first date.

He had a private dancer teach us
the moves to "Private Dancer."

That's my jam.
Then we had a helicopter tour.

Well, my date was also awesome.

It was so, ooh...

Like, we watched Con Air
with the director's commentary.

So here I am laughing
and learning.

Guess what.
Sara just canceled last minute.

I'm having an entire pamper
spa package

delivered in an hour.

But I guess staging
an intervention

for her dad trumps all of that.

So a helicopter tour?
Yeah.

Was that a Groupon or did he pay
up front? What's the story?

What am I gonna do now?

Hey, you guys wanna hang?
We can pamper ourselves, ladies.

Honey-roasted cashews,
lavender-scented towels,

coming in red-hot for you.

I can't. I have another date
with Liam.

He's picking me up in a
horse-drawn carriage for a ride.

Slow down, Liam.

Yeah, well,
Keith is picking me up

in the Batmobile.

What?
He's a bat exterminator

and that's what his company
calls the van,

but still very grand.

Thank you for coming

to my very first TV commercial.

Now, this is what the industry
calls a "rough cut."

So it's not there yet, okay?

It's gotta go through various
phases like the sound mix,

which is different
from sound design.

People don't know that.
Stop.

Play.

Hi. I'm Dave Rose.

And this is my truck,
Steak Me Home Tonight.

Here at Steak Me Home...
Tonight

we only use
the finest ingredients.

And if you happen
to be browsing the internet,

visit my World Wide Web address.

Well, that was...

Horrible.
No.

Yeah.
Yeah.

No, no. Hey. You were in it.

What am I gonna do?
I already paid for airtime.

You can't show that to anyone.

Dave, walk with me.

Look, wanna know why
that commercial sucked?

Because you were working
with a director

that doesn't know you

and know that
you are terrible on camera.

I know you and know how to get
a great performance out of you.

Dude, I'm the Dave Whisperer.

Yeah, but can you do it
for no money?

I bartered for this outfit
using illegal Mexican candy.

I think I got this.

So you breathe through here

and it relaxes the muscles.

Plus you can pretend
like you're scuba diving.

Hold up. That's a puffer fish.

No, thanks.
I'm scared of the sea.

Man, quack like a little bitch.

Quack.
Damn it.

Max forgot the regulator.

He's gotta go back
to my apartment.

Your apartment?
Don't know where that is.

Come on, man.
Jane's probably out with Sara,

but I can't take that chance.

Thanks, Max.

Dude, it's not a toy.

What's happening here?

Pen, I gotta say,
with Sara canceling,

I've had the place to myself,

and it has been really,
really great.

Picked up my knitting again.

And you better believe

that I don't stick
to the conventional stitches.

I guess you could say
I'm a knitter with attitude.

My comedy's always been edgy.

You know that.

Strawberries.

Hey, Jane.

Max, what are you doing here?

I will never tell.

Brad lied.
He's not on a retreat.

He's on a staycation.
What? Tell me everything.

I laugh at your request.

Ow! He's downtown.
He can't stand Sara.

I love your fashion.
I don't believe it.

It's true. I'm serious.

The way you blend color
is effortless and very tasteful.

You need to leave.
Fine.

Good day.

Brad, I'm pissed...

...on your behalf,

because you're missing all
the fun Sara and I are having.

What's that, Sare-Bear?

You're gonna stay an extra day?
Fantastic.

Oh, I gotta
go. I love you. Bye.

Oh.

This staycation
is the best, man.

If I was at home,
I'd have to make surprise eyes

every time Sara would brag
about her stupid homemade teas.

What? You're selling oolong?
That's crazy.

Those are great surprise eyes.

It's a gift.

I'm sorry things
aren't going well.

What do you mean,
Brent Musburger?

You're lying to your wife
to get space.

Awhite lie.
You know what I mean?

That's what the Miami
Hurricanes thought

on that muggy Friday afternoon

down in the Orange Bowl
back in 1984.

Miami led 45-41,

only five seconds left
on the clock.

Hurricanes thought
they had it wrapped up,

but somebody else thought
differently.

And that somebody

was Douglas Richard Flutie.
Flutie.

Flutie back, flush to the right,

he throws it down, 60 yards.

It's caught.
Caught by Boston College.

The Eagles win it.

I don't believe it.
I don't believe it.

Wow.

So Miami thought
they didn't have anything

to worry about and blew it.

I totally get it.

By lying to my wife
and taking her for granted,

I could be blindsided
by a Hail Mary pass

that shoots through my marriage.

No, my point is

Miami got a little lazy
with that Cover 2 defense.

I gotta go, Brent Musburger.

Don't ever change.

Hello, Keith.
Hey, Pen.

Why are you dressed so nice?

Did someone die?
No.

But you're funny. I was thinking
we should go dancing.

Hm?

It's noon. Plus I got us
some burgers for lunch.

Oh! You know what we should do?

We should eat those burgers
in a hot-air balloon

and then just ride it all
the way to Santa Barbara.

What do you think?
What are you talking about?

I'm talking about taking
our dating to the next level,

to the jet stream, in a balloon,

and then landing that balloon
in a hidden vineyard,

where we get drunk
on Santa Barbaran Malbec

and we feed each other
local spot prawns as we...

Ow.

Are you okay?

Just give me a burger.

Oh, man,
the commercial's almost on.

I hope people like it.

Relax. We didn't make this
to please the masses.

Max, this is a commercial.
That's why we made it.

How are things going with Liam?

Honestly, he's annoying.

I mean, all the grand gestures
are getting exhausting.

Like last night,
all I wanted to do

was watch The Princess Bride.

See, I told you
I could keep it mellow.

Sort of.

The director was on my ass
in this scene.

I told him, "You want someone
to phone it in,

"get Kirk Cameron.

You want someone to be a savage,
you get Fred Savage."

interesting.

Hey, I saw hummus in the fridge.

Is that for the house, or...

is that something
I could jump in on?

Yeah, go ahead.

It's all just too much.

I want Liam.
What?

Well, technically,
he was mine in the first place.

And what if it's meant to be?
You don't wanna tempt fate, Al.

Like when you entered
a brisket-eating contest

before that loan interview?

Ugh. Not my finest moment.

Oh, commercial, it's on.

It's on.

I remember when my dad and I
would just sit on a park bench,

have a hot dog,
and just talk about whatever.

It was the best.

That's where my love of
Chicago street food came from.

The hot dog had given me
so much.

When I was a kid, wanted to give

something back, something new.

So the next time you're craving
a hot dog, have one of these.

Thanks, Dad.

That was amazing.

Really?
Yeah.

I didn't understand
the dog barking

or Puerto Rican guys
playing checkers,

but I have never seen you
more comfortable.

I know, right? And I have
my director to thank for that.

He did, as they say,
"help me find my performance."

Know what else is great choice?

You never had Dave
say the name of the truck.

It's like a bar that
doesn't have a sign.

Only cool people know about it.

We said the name of the truck.
Yeah.

Or how you never mentioned
or showed steak sandwiches.

Of course,
we showed the steak sandwich.

It's clear what
we were trying to sell.

Yeah.
Hot dogs?

Because you said that
like 17 times.

No, we said steak sandwich.

Yeah, we said it quite a bit.

Yeah, we... We said s...

Come on, hurry up.
I'm trying.

Pick it up.
I'm trying.

I didn't DVR it.

Hey, boo, I'm home.

Where's my Sare-Bear?

I wanna hear how those
Earl Greys are selling. Huh?

It looks nice in here.
It's cute.

Using the honeysuckle candles
for company, huh?

Dipping into my private stock?
That's cool.

I'm all right with that.

I love you, baby.
Love you.

Oh, you got the wine cracking?
That's what's up.

Nice little card.

"Sorry I had to cancel
our visit. Love, Sara."

- She canceled?
- Hey.

Oh, Lenke,
that facial was so relaxing.

I totally "T-zoned" out.

You know, because the T-zone
on your face?

No? Nothing. Okay.

Let's get started
on my seaweed wrap

because my mani-pedi lady
comes at 7,

and I really wanna make
the most of this staycation.

Hey, boo.
Brad? Brad.

Well, you're home a day early.

You remember Sara. Right?

We're soar, we're soar

We're soaring Through the sky

Brad, what are you
doing here now?

Work retreat got cut short.

Decided to come home,
see my honey bunny.

Hey, Sara! You look different.

No, Sara's actually not here,

because she just left.

Ah, there was a huge
tea disaster

back at the warehouse.
I mean, it fiooded

and then it burst into flames.

And now there is a river
of hot Darjeeling

just coursing through Cambridge,
Massachusetts.

It's no Boston Tea Party,
if you know what I mean.

Nothing.

Basic American civics.

That's what happened? Tea fire?

Yeah. It's a shame.

But enough about me.
How was that work retreat?

It was... It was great.
Yeah. It was great.

Uh, there were rope courses,
trust falls, stuff like that.

Uh, turns out I'm actually light
as a feather, stiff as a board,

so got that going for me.

Well, sounds like you had
a really eventful weekend.

Sounds like you did too.

You went on a staycation!
No, you went on a staycation!

You're questioning me?
How do we stop doing this?

I have no idea!

I'm glad Liam was cool
with the old switcheroo.

I know.
Wonder things he's got planned.

You'll see.

Ooh. Here he is.

Hello, my ladies.

How do I find you on this eve?

What's up, Liam?
Sweet costume.

Anyhow, have fun.

No backsies.

So great to finally meet you.
And I the same.

Teresa, the duchess of your
Accounts Receivable Department,

did not speak false when
she said you were beautiful.

Tonight we shall dine
in the medieval wing

of the Art institute.
We shan't tarry another minute.

We shan't. We shan't not, my...

I don't speak English.
I mean, British. Let's just go.

Bye.

How did we forget to say
I sell steak sandwiches?

Relax.

No one knows what commercials
sell what products.

Like Old Spice commercial with
the black guy in the shower.

What's he selling?
Old Spice.

The Old Spice commercial with
the black guy in the shower.

What is he se...?
Oh, he's selling Old Spice.

Well, it's pretty quiet
around here.

I guess I should go ahead
and pack her up for the night.

Hey, man.

Sorry I let you down.

Oh, no, man,
we're in it together.

I mean, it was your idea,
you shot it,

and you locked me out
of the editing room,

but it's on me too.

They call it Hollywood,
not "Holly-friends."

- We're not in Hollywood.
- Dude.

I saw your commercial.
I loved it.

You did?
Yeah.

You spoke from the heart,
you know?

I called my dad for the
first time in nine years.

- Awesome.
- Yeah.

Well, we're gonna go
get hot dogs,

then play checkers
with some Puerto Rican guys.

- See you.
- Let's go, son.

- Dad, this is great.
- I love you.

We did it.

Take it myself.

Why don't you have pasta salad,

have something in your mouth
other than lies?

Okay. And while I'm doing that,

why don't you catch a movie?

Like Liar Liar

or What Lies Beneath.

Ooh, or Narnia.
There's a lion in it.

Babe, what are we doing?

Are we lying to each other
so we don't have to be together?

Brad, we love being together.

I mean, come on, everyone wishes
they had our mojo, yo.

Yeah, I said that.
Let's keep moving.

We're coming back.
Okay, fair enough.

Look, we go on trips together.

We go to the movies together.

We even go cheese
shopping together.

Yeah, like I can trust you
to pick a good Camembert.

But there's nothing wrong having
a little private time too.

Honestly, didn't you like
having a little Brad time?

Well, it was nice watching
The Boondocks,

not having to explain
why it's funny.

I wanna love it.
I don't get it.

Sometimes I don't get it.
Maybe it's okay

if once a year
Sara comes to visit,

and you have to go
on a last-minute work retreat.

Babe, I was lying
about work retreats.

We usually go on, like,
an off-site...

Oh, it's a metaphor.

I get it.
Yeah, you will get it.

Mm. Oh, my God. Oh.

And after dinner,
they brought two horses

into the museum courtyard.
Shut up.

Liam and his friend dressed up
as knights and jousted over me.

It was the most romantic night
of my life.

It sounds super romantic.

Oh, you know what?
Keith showed up after you left.

Really?
Yeah.

Well, the guy is devastated.
Was he destroyed?

It was rough.
But we ended up hanging out.

Making English-muffin pizzas,
talking. It was nice.

It was?
Yeah.

After those extravagant dates

where I'm, like, hunting quail,

it was nice to kick back
and connect with someone.

It was perfect and so simple.

Hmm.

I want Keith back.