Original subtitles

Don't you think you should leave a little something

in the tank for tomorrow, buddy?

It is Halloween, after all. Mm.

It's pre-gaming, bro.

Halloween is the Super Bowl of drinking.

Isn't the Super Bowl the Super Bowl of drinking?

No. The Super Bowl is the Halloween of football.

What? What?

Anyway, I cannot wait

for this year's Monster Mash Pumpkin Bash, guys.

I mean, the buffets, aww, the drag queen contests. Okay?

The smoking-hot gorilla costumes.

Yeah, I'm right next to you. It's basically a gorilla costume

that's slightly singed, like when you age a document.

Okay, well, we're not going to the party, honey.

We discussed this, remember? No, we didn't.

Brad, we will not be going

to the Monster Mash Pumpkin Bash.

We will be house-sitting for the Rubins.

Confirm you're listening by repeating what I said.

We aren't going to the Monster Mash Pumpkin Bash.

We will be house-sitting for the Rubins.

That's the first I'm hearing of this.

You guys, Adam ended it with me.

Oh, no. I'm so sorry. Who's Adam?

Hated him. Things were going so well.

I suggested a couples costume and he, like, freaked out.

Yeah, Pen, you know that I am the biggest

couples-costume advocate in the world.

- You've read my blog. - Of course.

You can't throw a couples costume at a guy

after only three weeks.

Classic Penny overreach.

You should have asked him to marry you, you stupid idiot.

We're not piling on there? No.

I mean, it wasn't a romantic costume or anything.

It was just me as a new mom

and him as an infant strapped to me in a BabyBjörn.

- Oh, my God. what was I thinking? - Penny.

Penny, Penny, Penny.

What? I'll do it.

I'll be your baby. I wasn't asking you to.

You don't have to. I'm always there for you.

You're going through a devastating breakup.

I'm fine. Oh, denial.

First step in not wanting to admit things.

His Lady Gaga meat suit went bad.

He needs a costume to get into the party.

I want to be your baby. I'll wear a diaper.

Not a selling point. For me it is.

Halloween is the Arbor Day of urinating.

So that makes Arbor Day the wimbledon of having sex.

Yes! You get me, bro! Ah! Yes!

Well, I finally get to wear my dream costume.

I don't have to wear

a stupid couples costume this year.

Oh, boy. Looking good.

For the record, you're the one that always made us

wear couples costumes, okay?

Oh, that is not true.

Really? Yeah.

So it was just my idea to go as Carlito's way Sean Penn

and I Am Sam Sean Penn?

I thought you loved double Penn. No. No, I don't.

Good luck, my friend,

because tomorrow, I am gonna go in the costume

that I've been dying to go in for like 200 years or so,

and I am gonna be smoking h...

Okay, no, no. Al, you are not going anywhere.

God, you look like a finger in a 10-hour bath.

Like Brett Butler after a karate class.

You look like Regis after a motorcycle accident.

Right?

Not gonna pile on?

She's not feeling well. That is your sister.

No one's close enough to high-five you.

Who's Brett Butler? Grace Under Fire.

Oh. Oh.

Yup. Yeah, I can see that.

Ow.

Okay, work with me here.

Don't, like, actively work against me.

Okay, right, left, right.

Just like we talked about, exactly like normal walking.

You sound like my real mom.

"Walk this way. Clean up your mess.

Stop referring to my figure as hilarious."

Max, can you...? Can we...?

Oh!

Hi. Hello.

So you heading into the party?

Yeppers. You betcha.

I'm Rick.

Penny. Max.

Just to clarify, which one of us are you flirting with mainly?

The mom, exclusively. Fair enough.

Maybe I'll see you inside the party, milady?

Maybe you will, my president.

Sire.

Being straight sounds like so much work.

I know, it is. Do I make you horny?

That is the costume you were dying to wear?

Yeah, baby, yeah. Just talk normally.

No, baby, no.

Okay, fine. Guys, Austin Powers.

Isn't this sweet?

I just wish Alex was here to see this costume kill.

She's out of it. When I put her to bed,

she said she couldn't marry me

because her father owned the plantation.

I don't think she'll join us.

Well, guess again. What?

Someone had a different idea. Who?

What was the initial idea? Just look over there.

Hey, guys.

Good news. Whatever I have is not from the bird I kissed.

Oh.

Can't believe you wouldn't wear your egg costume.

What's bacon without eggs?

I'm not gonna waste my Denver omelet costume

on a night in the suburbs.

You signed us up to house-sit on Halloween.

Come on. Don't you want to see

all those cute little trick-or-treaters?

If I want to watch kids, I'll open a playground.

What? Come on.

It'll be like test-driving our future.

We want to raise kids in the suburbs.

I want to raise kids in the city.

Suburbs are boring. The city's awesome.

No. City kids grow up way too fast.

They drink, they smoke,

they get addicted to riverboat pai gow

and have to steal then sell their dad's carpet-cleaning van

and blame it on Alex.

Man, that pai gow's a tricky bitch.

It'll rob you of everything. Yeah.

Well, Al, what do you think? Super topical.

Can't wait to see your Borat costume in nine years.

It's not gonna be nice. Like, "Wow. wee, wah, wah, wah."

Okay, never do that again.

This costume is amazing.

Crushed velvet suit, period glasses, period tee...

Teeth! Oh, I forgot my teeth in the cab.

Doesn't matter. Still gonna kill it.

Hey, shall we shag now

or shag later, baby? Yeah.

Sweet Elton John costume.

Elton John?

You do look like Elton John.

You sound like Brett Butler. Jane already used that.

No, she said you look like Brett Butler.

Really? Yeah.

Excuse me. I just had to tell you,

you are the most amazing Marilyn I have ever seen.

Seriously. Hi, I'm Henry, by the way.

Thanks. I'm Alex.

And a sexy voice to match. Ah...

Can I buy you a drink? Ow!

Oh, I'm sorry. Are you guys together?

Yeah, baby!

No, actually, we're not together.

We're just friends. Funny story. There was this Rollerblader...

I'd love to get a drink.

Uh, can I get a shot?

Aw, look at how beautiful Breezy Acres is.

They named their house? Who names their house?

You named your favorite sweatpants.

Leave Karen out of this.

You're telling me that you wouldn't want to live

in a place like this?

I mean, square footage, check.

Sound of crickets in the yard, check.

Quiche stone in the kitchen, check plus.

I do not want those things.

Oh. Except the quiche stone.

That will pay for itself in three quiches.

That's true. Luckily, we can get one of those

in the city.

You know what you can't get in the city?

Oh, no, you didn't!

Breezy Acres has a hot tub?

Yes, it do.

I can't wait to get in that thing with you.

Oh, we're gonna get so hot,

we're gonna make our own bubbles.

What?

I get why that's not sexy.

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.

Ooh. Tut-tut-tut.

First we have to hand out the candy.

Let's just make a sign and have the kids meet us

back at the tub.

Oh, okay. So your plan is to use the promise of candy

to lure children to a man in a hot tub?

Well, now that I heard the plan out loud,

I like it even more.

Clean it up, Polanski.

Hey, you wanna dance?

Yes. No.

Max, come on. I really like him. He's funny. Be my wing-baby.

Fine, one dance.

Dance accepted, Señor El Presidente.

All right, cats and kittens,

let's take it down for a slow dance.

Ah, whew! Ha-ha.

I am beat. Say we go get a drink?

Everybody could use a drink. I know I could.

Get out of here.

Go!

Trick or treat!

Look at you little munchkins. You're so cute.

Okay, you know the drill. Everyone take one.

Oh, hot tub, I want me inside you.

Help yourself. Your choices are candy or candy.

Clock's ticking.

All right. Here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna put this right down here.

Honor system. All right? Come on.

Okay. All right. See you later.

What are you doing? Us a favor. Now let's tub.

No, no, I want to hand out the candy, okay?

That's all part of the suburban experience.

What?

You're out. Sorry, doc.

Guess you have to go St. Elsewhere.

You should get some more candy. The big kids are coming.

What does that mean?

You'll see.

Hey, so I really kind of dig your friend.

Yeah, Alex is super cool. We split up a while back.

Been doing my own thing. Love being back in the game.

Hate myself for calling it the game

but what are you gonna do?

It's the game. That's really amazing, man.

So, Alex.

What's his story?

I'm sorry. What? Alex, your ex-boyfriend.

What's up with him? Uh...

Seriously, man. What's his deal?

Uh...

I'm so glad I came out tonight. You came out tonight?

I wasn't gonna come out.

But when my friend was tucking me in

before the party, I was like, "This is ridiculous.

I have to come out." Excuse me.

Hey, Al, can I talk to you for a sec?

Al, you might wanna take a beat on this Henry character...

Just stop right there. I know what's going on.

You do? Yes.

Your idiotic solo costume isn't working

and mine is killing so hard that I met someone.

And who knows? We might have something.

Oh, he definitely thinks you have something.

Best wishes. Thanks.

What are we gonna do?

- We are out of candy. - Don't worry.

I have a plan.

Yogurt.

Wheat bread. Lunch meat.

Heavy cream. Sandwich bag.

Box the sandwich bags came in.

For you guys, an entire cake.

Here you go. Have a nice night, fellas.

See, Jane? Told you we don't need candy.

Everything is gonna be just fine...

Little... Oh!

Ha, ha! Very funny, guys!

Hilarious!

God!

What are we gonna do? Look, I have a plan.

What we're gonna do is, turn off all the lights,

pretend like we're not home and hide, in the hot tub.

Oh!

"We know you're home. Get candy. Over."

"Over"?

"No Smarties." Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they're gross.

Now that you got a good base, you wanna use taquitos as bricks

and nacho cheese as mortar.

Then take both hands, grab one handful of lettuce,

one of Monte Cristo sandwich.

Throw the lettuce away.

Grab a second Monte Cristo sandwich.

What? This just seems reckless. Hey, I have a system.

Now grab that last crunchy piece of mac and cheese

before someone else grabs it.

Better watch yourself, Beardo.

No, you better watch it, baby. Wait a minute.

Nice plate.

You are hitting this buffet so hard right now.

Thanks, bitch.

What's up? My name is Max. I'm A.J.

I like the way you like food. Thanks. I like your costume.

Is that ZZ Top Gun? Mm-hm.

That is the first thing I have genuinely liked

since Barbara waiters exploded.

She's still alive,

but that's incredibly kind of you to say.

Where'd you get that delicious turkey leg?

Back over yonder.

Pen, could you head back over yonder,

grab the boys a couple legs of turkey?

No, I can't. we're connected.

How about I grab you one, then grab us a table?

Sounds good, bro. Turkey party.

Boom. Boom.

Okay, your weird gay turkey party

is gonna have to wait,

because slutty Betsy Ross is moving in on my Lincoln!

But I wanna go to my weird, gay turkey party.

Then get out of the costume. I can't!

I took my boxers off an hour and a half ago.

It is getting hot in here.

I'm wearing a one-piece bathing suit.

Fine. We'll take turns. Fine.

Fine. Good.

Fine. Good.

No. No. No.

Ow! Ow!

Ow!

Got it.

Can't believe you didn't wear your costume.

We look like idiots. "we" look like idiots?

Officer, we tried calling you, and then we got put on hold.

There's big kids throwing bricks and whatnot.

Actually, I'm not a cop. This is just a costume.

Oh. Oh, sorry about that.

Great costume.

Just get the candy and get out of here.

Right.

No. No, no, no.

This can't be happening.

Let's go back to the city. No. we have an obligation

to take care of Breezy Acres. That's what we'll do.

Excuse me, is there any candy anywhere else in this store?

Sorry, I don't work here. This is just a costume.

For the love of God, does anybody actually work here?

I can take you on one.

Oh, baby took a big bite that time.

Now, Penny, you feed A.J. the turkey leg.

Yeah, yeah, Penny,

give me that big, dark, wet meat right there.

And that's your time, Max. My turn.

Let's go talk to Rick. Bye, A.J.

Penny, look, I have something to tell you.

Rick died. Max, come on.

I'm serious. I read that he was in a fire

and got shot to death. Max, he's right there.

I wanna go back and hang out with A.J.

Besides, you know whatever relationship

you get in with Rick will last three weeks.

Max, that's kinda harsh.

Yeah, I felt it. It wasn't great.

It wasn't. Didn't feel good.

You deserve better than these guys.

You need a king or something, not this guy Rick.

P.S., his jokes are terrible and his belly button smells...

Well, that hurt my feelings.

A good night to you both.

Bye. Thanks a lot, Max.

For the record, that was me storming off.

Yeah? well, for the record, this is me storming off.

Put me down!

Can I be honest about something?

What you've got going on right here

is very impressive.

You've got some legit hooters. Thanks.

They look so real. When did you get them?

Eighth grade. Can I touch them?

Those aren't run-of-the-mill chicken cutlets.

You're entering the drag queen contest, right?

You'll crush those bitches.

That would be kind of unfair. Oh, yeah, big time.

Could you give me a second? Yeah, sure.

Nice costume, Piano Man. No, no, no.

"Piano Man" is Billy Joel, not Elton John.

And I'm not Elton John. I'm Austin Powers, internat...

Dave, Dave.

You're right. Something off about Henry.

I didn't think I'd be able

to use this line in context, but...

...he thinks you're a man, baby.

How could he think I'm a dude?

There's no way he thinks I'm a dude.

You wanna get out of here, dude?

That doesn't prove anything.

I can't wait to see your penis.

It was a little weird buying candy out of a man's trunk.

At least, it was expensive. Yeah, but we're fine now.

We've got candy. All is good.

Didn't this house used to have a door?

"We have your door. Over.

This isn't over."

Ah! That's it!

I'm getting the door back.

This ends now!

"Over. This isn't over."

God, these kids are clever. Good, good schools out here.

Hey, you seen my door? No, man.

Come on, dude!

Hey, lady. Seen a door around here?

Do you know...? Give me that damn candy.

Everybody was right.

Couples costumes suck on so many levels.

Look, I said I was sorry, Pen.

Is now a bad time to ask you to shake...?

Yes, it would. Jump up or down or shiver?

Not gonna do any of that.

Look, I don't know if Rick's a good guy, but I do know

that you're the greatest girl in the world.

And if you wanna be with him,

I will gallantly sacrifice

my budding relationship with A.J.,

who just might be the greatest guy I've ever met,

so that you can be with Rick. This A.J.?

Gallantly sacrifice. Thanks.

But how do I get Rick back? He hates you.

Hold up.

Still wearing that bathing suit? Yeah.

Yes!

Go.

Go get you some Rick.

Brad?

Oh, no.

Ah!

Hey!

Hey, fella. Couldn't help but notice

that you stole my door, you little buster.

This is the property of Breezy Acres

and I'm taking back the night.

The door too. Dude, this is my costume.

Going to a Halloween party with some friends.

Yeah? We're The Doors.

The band.

Really? Yeah.

Then which one are you? Ray Manzarek.

Ah! It's not a real name!

Give me that... No, that's...

Give me it. Give me it! Okay.

Take this back where it belongs.

This is heavy. A little bit, right?

Proud of you, man. Thanks.

Psych!

I think Ray Manzarek's a real guy.

Brad, you were right. The suburbs are horrible.

You know what? I respectfully disagree.

The suburbs are way more exciting

than I ever thought. I've never felt this alive.

We will stay

and we will fight, and we will win.

Woo-hoo! Yes! Yeah, sucker!

Looks like bacon finally got its eggs, huh?

Whoo! Nailed it!

Oh, come on! Who bacons somebody?

You okay? This night sucked.

Been a rough night for me too.

This Elton John, Austin Powers thing has been a real disas...

Yours is worse. Back to your thing.

It's just that... Am I regretting paying

for that rush shipping on this costume.

I'm sorry. Back to you.

I can't believe I look like a man.

Al, you are beautiful.

You don't look like a man.

You sound like a man and you have a man's name

and you're wearing the most iconic drag costume

of all time.

But on the bright side,

the hottest guy here thinks you're the hottest guy here.

Not what I was going for.

Sometimes you just gotta roll with it.

God gave you melons. Make melon-ade.

So nice to be back in the city where everything's normal.

Our next contestant

for the drag queen contest:

Alex Kerkovich!

Hey, guys. So this is Rick.

Yep, totally normal.

I think that it's adorable that you guys decided

to go with a couples costume after all.

What? Elton John and Marilyn Monroe.

"Candle in the wind"? Brilliant.

All right, all right. We'll take it.

I can't believe I got runner-up.

I was totally robbed.

Yeah, well...

what does he have that I don't have?

A big, huge...