Original subtitles

You guys watching Marty's show, Boardwalk Empire?

Marty? Marty Scorsese.

Martin Scorsese.

You can't call him that. You're not his buddy.

I like to call celebrities by the names they prefer.

Bobby De Niro, Sandy Bullock, Eddie Jimmy Olmos.

Edward James Olmos wouldn't want to be called Eddie Jimmy.

Wait, I've got one. Johnny Depp.

Wait. Explain the rules again. No.

Hey, Dave, this one's on me.

Looks like she wants a piece of your downstairs goatee.

A good way to get out of your dry spell, man.

I'm not having a dry spell. I'm just taking a break.

A break from what, women being attracted to you?

I'm not thinking about dating. You know, I'm focusing on work.

Of being sexually unsatisfied?

Okay... That was a little forced.

Maybe you should force yourself on a girl.

I'm not good at these games.

Guys, it turns out it is not the year of Penny after all.

I didn't get that raise I thought I was gonna get.

Oh, I put my gum in there.

Keep it. You had a rough day.

God, I really thought you were gonna get that.

I know. Hoo!

Know what you need? A raise?

Isn't that why she's upset? No, it is time.

It is time for you to make a vision board.

What? No, no, no.

You know what? It is a real thing.

You make a board, and you put images

of what you visualize for your life

and then, the universe makes it happen.

It worked for me. That's how I got Mr. B-R-A-D.

Technically, she didn't have me on the board.

It's picture of one of the guys from In Living Color.

For Oprah and Jenny McCarthy, it's good enough for me.

That's stupidest thing I've ever heard.

And I've heard Dave try to explain the housing crash.

Guys, it was... They took loans,

and they repackaged them, subprime.

And it's a numbers game, you just have to...

Oh, God! See how stupid that is?

These vision boards are even stupider.

But if we're doing it, we're doing it.

Oh, we're doing it? Yeah.

I don't wanna be left out.

Remember you went to pick apples without me

and you found Ricki Lake's wallet?

I still carry it.

She was one stamp away from a free sandwich

at seven different shops. Yeah, it worked for us though.

I know, we got free sandwiches.

God! They were good.

So, what does everyone have on their board so far?

Well, I've been meaning to reconnect

with some ladies in my life that I've lost touch with,

so I cut out a picture of happy women.

Ooh. Now, why are they all in leotards and drinking Sanka?

Mom has Redbook magazines from the '80s

and I didn't wanna tear up my US Weeks.

I'm also visualizing

a romantic, old-fashioned gentleman.

The kind of guy who will buy you flowers and dinner

and look at you during sex.

And if that guy happens to be Parker,

the new hot bartender at Rosalita's,

I won't hate it.

Oh, I want all those things too.

Except the "looking at me during sex" part

is probably not realistic.

Oh, yeah.

Max, you are just copying me.

What are you talking about? No, I'm not.

I coincidentally also like Parker,

and coincidentally. I also wanna be a huge,

successful career woman with giant shoulder pads.

Max, if you're not gonna take this seriously, leave.

I am taking this seriously. Look, I want one of these.

You want a wicker bassinet? Yes, I want a whisker basket.

Say it correctly. I want a w...

Okay, Penny, ignore him.

These boards work.

The universe will give you what you deserve, I promise.

Hey, boo. Where you going?

Headed back to the office.

I gotta impress this new boss in whatever way I can.

I'm having a hard time connecting with the guy.

None of my usual charm works on him.

Shall we dance? I hate dancing.

An office cannot function without a "shall we dance?"

What's he gonna crap on next, "working hard, hardly working"?

He already did.

And I tried "come here often?" at the urinal

and he was like, "A normal amount."

No. And the worst part,

the guy always has food on his face.

I hate dancing.

Eww.

Tell them if someone's got food on their face.

You have food on your face.

Just like that, man! Power through.

Don't even think about how it's affecting you...

Oh, I have food on my face. Yeah.

There's more. I have more?

There's more, man.

Did I get it? You got it.

There's some on your forehead.

Did I get it? Earlobe.

My ear? Yeah. Neck.

You got it. Yep? Great.

Okay, we have a cucumber salad, fried squash blossoms,

truffle mac, roast chicken with garlic mash,

chocolate bread pudding, extra whip,

and strawberry sorbet. That's me.

Four sets of utensils?

Three?

Two? Uh...

Oh, boy.

Sorbet's a palate cleanser.

Uh-huh.

Hey, honey bunny.

Hey! Happy three-week anniversary.

Feels like only yesterday

I was bitten by your tiny dog. Oh.

Oh, my God. What?

My ex-fiancé has a girlfriend.

Oh, honey.

That'll be $67.50.

Hey, man, thanks for the ride.

I cannot believe Jane crashed our Prius into a stop sign.

Women be stopping. Women be stopping.

Women be like, "Stop,"

and men be like, "Bitch, we need to go."

Please don't. Yeah, that was not good.

It's my boss. Yeah.

Oh, my God.

He really does have tons of food on his face.

You gotta tell him. No way, dude. Are you crazy?

He's gonna think it's weird if he sees me in this thing.

Relax. I just retinted the windows.

Sit back and enjoy the anonymity.

Williams, is that you? How come he sees me?

I might've put the tint on the wrong side of the window.

Idiot.

Good morning, Mr. Forristal.

Is this your limo, Williams?

Uh... Well, you see...

women be stop because you know...

Because I like it.

1989 Fleetwood Brougham.

I'm a collector of classic cars and this is gorgeous.

Yeah.

Walk with me, Brad.

You get one of these.

Martini, extra olives.

How did you know I liked extra olives?

Someone's been paying attention to my drink order, Parker.

I'm sorry, this isn't yours. What are you drinking?

Martini, extra olives. Okay. Sorry.

God, I am making zero impression on him.

That vision board was a stupid idea.

I shouldn't have done it. It has only been 22 hours.

You cannot give up so easily.

What are you, LeBron in the fourth quarter?

I don't know what it means, but Brad...

Brad says it all the time.

So, Dave, what were you doing last night?

Nothing. Making the world a better place through steak.

That's what you're going with? Dave is not in a dry spell.

I saw him kissing a girl in a restaurant.

Oh. So you were spying on me?

No, I was picking up a normal amount of food for one person.

And I didn't eat half in the cab and half in bed.

No one said you did. Good, because I didn't.

Okay. All right.

You could've told us about her.

You don't have to protect my feelings.

I wasn't. I just didn't want you to know

because you'd all wanna meet her.

So...?

You're not the most welcoming bunch.

I'm a special-ed teacher, foster dog mom,

and in my spare time, I act out the Sunday comics

for blind children.

That was 2010 us, okay?

Bring your new girl over for dinner tomorrow?

I don't know. We'll be on our best behavior.

I won't even show her I can kick over someone's head.

You can? Hi-ya!

All right, this is your last chance.

Guys. Guys.

Look what I found in that back alley

where I get my teeth whitened. Awhisker basket!

Say it right.

A wicker bassinet?

So now Max's ironic vision board is coming true?

What are you gonna do with that? Top of my head

seems like a good dog bed for Mr. Bojangly.

We have a dog? Yeah, we have a dog.

You guys, guess what?

My vision board is coming true.

Wow, who sent you fiowers?

The card says they're from a secret admirer,

but I'm pretty sure it's Parker.

Whoever they're from, board's working.

The universe is listening.

Okay. I gotta put these in water.

I want Parker to know I can take care of nice things.

Yes. Look how happy she looks.

What are you doing? I'm not doing anything.

You're the only person that sends flowers

from that florist/bike shop.

No, lots of people use Pedal to the Petal.

Jane. Yeah, okay, fine.

The universe wasn't moving fast enough,

so I kind of just jump-started her board.

Once you believe,

good things start happening on their own.

Like how Adrien Brody became handsome

or how, like, Adrien Brody became handsome.

I am weirdly attracted to him.

I don't think you should be doing stuff from her board.

It's bad jujubes. That's all I did.

Although, she might be getting some letters from a few ladies

that she's lost touch with. Wink, wink.

I sent the letters. I got it.

You need to stop, Jane.

You realize you're not the universe, right?

I promise I won't do anything else. Okay?

And for the record, I'm not entirely sure

I'm not the universe.

Thanks for coming so quickly.

Yeah, man, I'd drop anything for you.

Even while Photoshopping my head onto Rachael Ray's body

then onto a TIME that said "She-Man of the Year."

And let me tell you, it looks very erotic.

Anyway, so here's the deal.

Forristal was so into your limo,

which I still don't get, but I'm gonna go with it anyways.

He invited me this afternoon to be part of a major pitch

as long as you'll drive us there.

Cool. Cool.

Tell him about the food on his face.

It's the human thing to do. Not the keeping-your-job thing.

Hey, Mr. Forristal. Hey, good afternoon.

Great afternoon.

Mr. Forristal, just so you know...

That'll be all, driver. Chop-chop.

You can't put the divider up. That's my thing.

What does "chop-chop" mean? Ow! Ah! My fingers!

My finger was not caught,

but I did want to discuss something.

You hearing me? Do you hear me? This is my car!

Oh...

Okay, you and your board need to get a room.

A board room. Yes.

Everything on my board is coming true.

That's great.

I ran into Parker and he asked me out.

Really? He was there randomly waiting for you?

I guess. I don't know.

Took me to my favorite wine bar for a glass of pinot,

And he's the first guy who didn't pronounce the "T."

The universe is making it happen.

It's not the universe, Penny. It's Jane.

She did all of this, okay?

I mean, why do you think Parker was just there waiting for you?

Huh.

Wow.

Regretting that under-the-shirt stuff.

Damn it.

Hello, Miss Daisy.

Are you gonna let me at your fancy dinner party?

Put up a glass partition,

separating me from your guests? Controlling who I can talk to?

You were gonna tell my boss he had food on his face.

No, I wasn't. I would never do that.

Why would I do that? Because you're Max.

You never shut up. You always have your Max-thing.

My Max-thing? Yeah.

What, being funny and surprising,

like, "There's Max. Watch what happens."

Then other people are like, "Very funny."

Then other people are like, "Characters welcome."

Those are just the taglines from Bravo, TBS and USA.

You know what? Fine. If you weren't gonna tell him,

then how are you gonna end that sentence?

"Mr. Forristal, just so you know..."?

Just so you know, this classic 1980s limo

which you seem to be so fond of comes stocked

with all of its original sodas.

So sit back, relax, and open an ice-cold TaB.

That's all you were gonna say? Yeah. The more you know.

Would you get the ice for me?

Oh, of course, Mr. Brad.

I'll get your ice for you.

Wouldn't want any more bags going

into your wealthy hands, Mr. Brad.

Jane, the board is working so well.

Everything is coming true,

so I decided to add some new stuff. Oh.

Two first-class tickets to Greece this weekend,

and I wanna gain 5 pounds of muscle,

also for this weekend.

What? I wanna look good for my trip.

That's quite a list. I'm sure it'll all come true,

because what I would hate is to lose faith in the board.

Is the universe up for all that, Jane?

The universe will probably,

lie awake trying to figure it out,

maybe develop stress eczema,

but yeah. Mm-hm. I'm not worried.

This is Dave and his new lady.

We are not gonna be judgmental of Molly.

Molly is a fat-ankle's name,

so everyone knows won't be hearing me say that,

because I'm the picture of self-control.

Isn't that right, Brad? Come on, dude.

Okay.

Hi, guys. This is Molly.

Molly, this is... The gang.

Molly is such a beautiful name.

Oh! I love your boots.

I'm so bad because they were super expensive,

but I saved up for a long time, and my dad is rich.

She's cute, isn't she? The boots are cute. I want them.

They're going on the board. Money's no object, right, Jane?

No, the universe is gonna provide.

I had a hunch you guys were gonna get along.

Like I had a hunch about that housing-market crisis.

You see, the problem is, no one put any money down.

I'm gonna get working on these steaks.

I'm so excited to finally meet you.

You guys are so hot together.

You're a bit of a skinny bitch for a black guy to be with.

Am I right, trick? Yeah.

Put some meat on them bones. It's true.

Oh, you look tired.

Oh, my God. You must be the gay guy.

Gay guys love me.

Don't worry, we won't sleep together.

Yes, we will. You, me and Mr. Jelly Belly.

I don't like the way this feels.

Please don't do me.

Okay, Molly, why don't you sit down,

and we will all go get you a drink.

Wow, what a great starter home.

Love it. Super cute. Mm-mm. Mm!

She is horrible. Nightmare.

She is the worst.

Although, I like those boots.

I am still mad at you,

but right now I have to prioritize my hate.

It goes her, cooked green peppers,

and then back to you, champ!

Maybe she's just nervous. We promised Dave.

Let's just suck it up and get through this.

Oh, my God, a vision board.

My mother made one of these in her Divorced Over 50 group.

I used to call it her desperation board.

She did me.

I take it you're single, Penny?

She's gotta go. I knew it.

God, Molly is a nice, hot, sweet,

caring, hot person.

You said "hot" twice. She is hot twice.

The other things I put in there to spread out the "hots."

Whatever! I'm having fun. Give me a break.

Dave, she jellied my belly.

You told me to bring her. We hate her.

Ah! Well, clearly, not everybody hates her.

Alex, my ex-fiancé,

who has more of a reason to not like Molly,

is getting along fine, like Vaughn and Favreau in there.

I knew you couldn't be nice for just one night.

I think we should leave. Dave.

Dave. Dave.

We are bad, bad people.

Who wants some poutine?

Hey, fella. I know we're going through a rough patch right now,

but my boss just texted me and he was wondering

if you could give him a ride tonight.

I don't know. Please.

Please. Pretty please with you on top?

All right, all right, all right, I'll do it.

But only to prove to you that I can take one limo ride

without crazy Max shooting off his mouth.

Oh, there's crazy Max shooting something off.

What's he shooting oft? Probably his mouth

he's cra... I'll do it. No big deal.

Hey.

Dude, you got food all over your face.

You wanted to see me, sir? Yes.

I wanted to go over these reports.

Everything look all right? Yeah, absolutely.

Even the gigantic piece of pancake on my face?

Giant... What? Pan who? Uh... Ahem.

I didn't even notice. You didn't notice

that I always have food on my face?

Yes, I did.

I just thought it was a fashion choice

like leaving your tags on hats.

You should've said something.

Luckily, someone did.

Uh-oh. Burrito de breakfast, coming in hot.

What up, Brad?

Try not to get any salsa on your face, you maniac.

I love this guy.

Max is exactly what we need around here.

I'm tired of yes-men. You know what I mean?

Yes. Wait. No. What's the right answer?

What are you doing here? What do you mean?

He texted, "Bring me breakfast burritos." I said okay.

Hey, hon. Your plane just landed? Good.

No, I'll have someone come get you.

You mind going? No, no, no. I meant Brad.

Huh? Max just got his burrito.

Sure thing.

I have a master's degree. Absolutely.

Sir, you have a...

a little salsa on your face, you maniac.

You don't have to be a jerk. Got it.

Hey. Hey.

What are you doing here?

Dropping off sister stuff for Alex.

Is that a new top? No.

You know, look what I found here on the fridge.

Didn't you have go to Greece on your board?

Yes, I did.

Well, uh...

It's not two first-class tickets to Greece.

A ticket to a first-grade class production of Grease 2.

Well, you know, the universe is eons old

and sometimes a little hard of hearing,

but I've heard the Mayview Elementary Gazette

called Cody Libman, the best cool rider

since Kyle Libman.

Very talented family.

So this is one hot ticket. Well...

What is that smell? I don't know.

I don't know what that smell could be

but I think it's coming from over here.

It's bringing me over here to the...

Oh, my God. Five pounds of mussels?

Didn't you ask for that? Unbelievable.

Jane, everything on my board is coming true.

No. Do you remember when I put

"reconnect with ladies" there?

L... Vaguely. Just this morning,

out of the crystal blue skies,

I get a letter from my great-aunt Donna.

Huh! What did she have to say?

A lot. It was a long letter

given the fact that she is dead.

A ghost. Yeah.

Okay, I'm sorry, Penny. I'm sorry.

Ugh.

I appreciate what you're trying to do,

but you don't have to fix my life.

I'm doing fine. I know you are.

I just want you to have everything you want.

I know, and it's very sweet that you wanna do all this,

but you're not gonna bring my aunt back to life,

and you can't make Parker like me.

Parker? You got him to ask me out.

No. No, I didn't.

You didn't? No.

Oh, my God. The board works.

Oh! The board works! I knew it! I knew it!

Except that I thought you put him up to it,

so I told him off! I blew it.

No, no, you can un-blow it. I can un-blow it.

Shh! Some of us are taking naps.

Dave, what happened?

Ugh! I got tagged by a Latin gang.

I'm not sure what it says, but it can't be good.

How do you know? The skull and penis.

Ugh. Look, everyone feels bad about what happened last night.

Yeah, they were so judgy, except you.

Why were you so nice to Molly? I know you aren't serious.

You're dating her because she's hot and I get it.

You should see her naked, it's... No...

Sorry, sometimes I forget

that you're not a regular friend.

You and I are always gonna have a special thing,

and when I see you have a special thing

with someone else that's real and lasting,

I'm gonna be a total bitch, just FYI.

I look forward to that day.

Oh, man. Another penis.

Dude, who throws keys that hard? I do,

after having to drive Forristal's wife around Chicago

for six hours

so she could finish her book on tape,

Water for Elephants.

Ugh. Horrible. I know.

I just started reading it.

Look, Brad... What, Max? Hm?

Do you have my job now?

Do we both pee in a fountain,

or touch a magic skull and then swap lives

so you get the nice house and my hot wife

and I sleep on an air mattress,

and iron my clothes with a toaster?

Everyone knows that ironing is bad for your clothes.

Secondly, Forristal kicked me out of his office.

And that is not an air mattress,

that is a very high-end pool fioat.

Wait, go back to the second one.

Forristal asked me to be honest with him,

I told him you were the smartest,

most hardworking guy I knew,

next thing I know, he kicked me out of his office.

Wait. He kicked you out for that?

Well, not really for that.

He agreed with me. He thinks you're awesome.

Oh. I more, kind of, in a way,

misread a moment.

You're a great guy, Max.

You too.

Ahh. Yeah, I'm an idiot.

Dude, you're not an idiot. No, I am.

I ate a winning lottery ticket. Oh.

You can't hold me.

Sink it. Sink it.

Hurt him. Hurt him.

Phylicia Rashad.

Yeah, that was Phylicia Rashad.

Yeah, it felt like Phylicia would have done that.

All right.

So I'll call you.

I will be waiting by my phone.

He totally understood, and he's so sweet

He said I was a raven-haired beauty,

and then I said, "That's so Raven,"

and then he laughed. Or coughed.

But either way, I think he likes me.

And the craziest part is he has a vision board too.

Okay, okay, when are you going out again?

Never.

Like I would date a guy with a vision board.

Yeah, I know.

You would not date a guy with a vision board.

Because it wasn't on your vision board

to date a guy with a vision board.