All language subtitles for Happy.Endings.S02E09.1080p.BluRay.x264-YELLOWBiRD

You guys watching Marty's show,
Boardwalk Empire?

Marty?
Marty Scorsese.

Martin Scorsese.

You can't call him that.
You're not his buddy.

I like to call celebrities
by the names they prefer.

Bobby De Niro, Sandy Bullock,
Eddie Jimmy Olmos.

Edward James Olmos wouldn't want
to be called Eddie Jimmy.

Wait, I've got one.
Johnny Depp.

Wait. Explain the rules again.
No.

Hey, Dave, this one's on me.

Looks like she wants a piece
of your downstairs goatee.

A good way to get out
of your dry spell, man.

I'm not having a dry spell.
I'm just taking a break.

A break from what,
women being attracted to you?

I'm not thinking about dating.
You know, I'm focusing on work.

Of being sexually unsatisfied?

Okay...
That was a little forced.

Maybe you should force yourself
on a girl.

I'm not good at these games.

Guys, it turns out it is not
the year of Penny after all.

I didn't get that raise
I thought I was gonna get.

Oh, I put my gum in there.

Keep it.
You had a rough day.

God, I really thought
you were gonna get that.

I know.
Hoo!

Know what you need?
A raise?

Isn't that why she's upset?
No, it is time.

It is time for you
to make a vision board.

What?
No, no, no.

You know what?
It is a real thing.

You make a board,
and you put images

of what you visualize
for your life

and then,
the universe makes it happen.

It worked for me.
That's how I got Mr. B-R-A-D.

Technically,
she didn't have me on the board.

It's picture of one of the guys
from In Living Color.

For Oprah and Jenny McCarthy,
it's good enough for me.

That's stupidest thing
I've ever heard.

And I've heard Dave try
to explain the housing crash.

Guys, it was... They took loans,

and they repackaged them,
subprime.

And it's a numbers game,
you just have to...

Oh, God!
See how stupid that is?

These vision boards
are even stupider.

But if we're doing it,
we're doing it.

Oh, we're doing it?
Yeah.

I don't wanna be left out.

Remember you went
to pick apples without me

and you found
Ricki Lake's wallet?

I still carry it.

She was one stamp away
from a free sandwich

at seven different shops.
Yeah, it worked for us though.

I know, we got free sandwiches.

God! They were good.

So, what does everyone have
on their board so far?

Well, I've been meaning
to reconnect

with some ladies in my life
that I've lost touch with,

so I cut out a picture
of happy women.

Ooh. Now, why are they all
in leotards and drinking Sanka?

Mom has Redbook magazines
from the '80s

and I didn't wanna tear up
my US Weeks.

I'm also visualizing

a romantic,
old-fashioned gentleman.

The kind of guy who will
buy you flowers and dinner

and look at you during sex.

And if that guy happens
to be Parker,

the new hot bartender
at Rosalita's,

I won't hate it.

Oh, I want all those things too.

Except the "looking at me
during sex" part

is probably not realistic.

Oh, yeah.

Max, you are just copying me.

What are you talking about?
No, I'm not.

I coincidentally
also like Parker,

and coincidentally.
I also wanna be a huge,

successful career woman
with giant shoulder pads.

Max, if you're not gonna
take this seriously, leave.

I am taking this seriously.
Look, I want one of these.

You want a wicker bassinet?
Yes, I want a whisker basket.

Say it correctly.
I want a w...

Okay, Penny, ignore him.

These boards work.

The universe will give you
what you deserve, I promise.

Hey, boo. Where you going?

Headed back to the office.

I gotta impress this new boss
in whatever way I can.

I'm having a hard time
connecting with the guy.

None of my usual charm works
on him.

Shall we dance?
I hate dancing.

An office cannot function
without a "shall we dance?"

What's he gonna crap on next,
"working hard, hardly working"?

He already did.

And I tried "come here often?"
at the urinal

and he was like,
"A normal amount."

No.
And the worst part,

the guy always has food
on his face.

I hate dancing.

Eww.

Tell them if someone's got food
on their face.

You have food on your face.

Just like that, man!
Power through.

Don't even think about
how it's affecting you...

Oh, I have food on my face.
Yeah.

There's more.
I have more?

There's more, man.

Did I get it?
You got it.

There's some on your forehead.

Did I get it?
Earlobe.

My ear?
Yeah. Neck.

You got it.
Yep? Great.

Okay, we have a cucumber salad,
fried squash blossoms,

truffle mac,
roast chicken with garlic mash,

chocolate bread pudding,
extra whip,

and strawberry sorbet.
That's me.

Four sets of utensils?

Three?

Two?
Uh...

Oh, boy.

Sorbet's a palate cleanser.

Uh-huh.

Hey, honey bunny.

Hey!
Happy three-week anniversary.

Feels like only yesterday

I was bitten by your tiny dog.
Oh.

Oh, my God.
What?

My ex-fiancé has a girlfriend.

Oh, honey.

That'll be $67.50.

Hey, man, thanks for the ride.

I cannot believe Jane crashed
our Prius into a stop sign.

Women be stopping.
Women be stopping.

Women be like, "Stop,"

and men be like,
"Bitch, we need to go."

Please don't.
Yeah, that was not good.

It's my boss. Yeah.

Oh, my God.

He really does have tons of food
on his face.

You gotta tell him.
No way, dude. Are you crazy?

He's gonna think it's weird
if he sees me in this thing.

Relax.
I just retinted the windows.

Sit back
and enjoy the anonymity.

Williams, is that you?
How come he sees me?

I might've put the tint
on the wrong side of the window.

Idiot.

Good morning, Mr. Forristal.

Is this your limo, Williams?

Uh... Well, you see...

women be stop because you know...

Because I like it.

1989 Fleetwood Brougham.

I'm a collector of classic cars
and this is gorgeous.

Yeah.

Walk with me, Brad.

You get one of these.

Martini, extra olives.

How did you know
I liked extra olives?

Someone's been paying attention
to my drink order, Parker.

I'm sorry, this isn't yours.
What are you drinking?

Martini, extra olives.
Okay. Sorry.

God, I am making
zero impression on him.

That vision board
was a stupid idea.

I shouldn't have done it.
It has only been 22 hours.

You cannot give up so easily.

What are you,
LeBron in the fourth quarter?

I don't know what it means,
but Brad...

Brad says it all the time.

So, Dave,
what were you doing last night?

Nothing. Making the world
a better place through steak.

That's what you're going with?
Dave is not in a dry spell.

I saw him kissing a girl
in a restaurant.

Oh.
So you were spying on me?

No, I was picking up a normal
amount of food for one person.

And I didn't eat half in the cab
and half in bed.

No one said you did.
Good, because I didn't.

Okay. All right.

You could've told us about her.

You don't have to protect
my feelings.

I wasn't.
I just didn't want you to know

because
you'd all wanna meet her.

So...?

You're not
the most welcoming bunch.

I'm a special-ed teacher,
foster dog mom,

and in my spare time,
I act out the Sunday comics

for blind children.

That was 2010 us, okay?

Bring your new girl
over for dinner tomorrow?

I don't know.
We'll be on our best behavior.

I won't even show her
I can kick over someone's head.

You can?
Hi-ya!

All right,
this is your last chance.

Guys. Guys.

Look what I found
in that back alley

where I get my teeth whitened.
Awhisker basket!

Say it right.

A wicker bassinet?

So now Max's ironic vision board
is coming true?

What are you gonna do with that?
Top of my head

seems like a good dog bed
for Mr. Bojangly.

We have a dog?
Yeah, we have a dog.

You guys, guess what?

My vision board is coming true.

Wow, who sent you fiowers?

The card says they're from
a secret admirer,

but I'm pretty sure it's Parker.

Whoever they're from,
board's working.

The universe is listening.

Okay. I gotta put these
in water.

I want Parker to know
I can take care of nice things.

Yes. Look how happy
she looks.

What are you doing?
I'm not doing anything.

You're the only person
that sends flowers

from that florist/bike shop.

No, lots of people
use Pedal to the Petal.

Jane.
Yeah, okay, fine.

The universe
wasn't moving fast enough,

so I kind of
just jump-started her board.

Once you believe,

good things start happening
on their own.

Like how Adrien Brody
became handsome

or how, like, Adrien Brody
became handsome.

I am weirdly attracted to him.

I don't think you should
be doing stuff from her board.

It's bad jujubes.
That's all I did.

Although, she might be getting
some letters from a few ladies

that she's lost touch with.
Wink, wink.

I sent the letters.
I got it.

You need to stop, Jane.

You realize you're not
the universe, right?

I promise
I won't do anything else. Okay?

And for the record,
I'm not entirely sure

I'm not the universe.

Thanks for coming so quickly.

Yeah, man,
I'd drop anything for you.

Even while Photoshopping
my head onto Rachael Ray's body

then onto a TIME that said
"She-Man of the Year."

And let me tell you,
it looks very erotic.

Anyway, so here's the deal.

Forristal was so into your limo,

which I still don't get, but
I'm gonna go with it anyways.

He invited me this afternoon
to be part of a major pitch

as long
as you'll drive us there.

Cool.
Cool.

Tell him about the food
on his face.

It's the human thing to do.
Not the keeping-your-job thing.

Hey, Mr. Forristal.
Hey, good afternoon.

Great afternoon.

Mr. Forristal,
just so you know...

That'll be all, driver.
Chop-chop.

You can't put the divider up.
That's my thing.

What does "chop-chop" mean?
Ow! Ah! My fingers!

My finger was not caught,

but I did want
to discuss something.

You hearing me? Do you hear me?
This is my car!

Oh...

Okay, you and your board
need to get a room.

A board room. Yes.

Everything on my board
is coming true.

That's great.

I ran into Parker
and he asked me out.

Really? He was there
randomly waiting for you?

I guess. I don't know.

Took me to my favorite wine bar
for a glass of pinot,

And he's the first guy
who didn't pronounce the "T."

The universe
is making it happen.

It's not the universe, Penny.
It's Jane.

She did all of this, okay?

I mean, why do you think Parker
was just there waiting for you?

Huh.

Wow.

Regretting
that under-the-shirt stuff.

Damn it.

Hello, Miss Daisy.

Are you gonna let me
at your fancy dinner party?

Put up a glass partition,

separating me from your guests?
Controlling who I can talk to?

You were gonna tell my boss
he had food on his face.

No, I wasn't.
I would never do that.

Why would I do that?
Because you're Max.

You never shut up.
You always have your Max-thing.

My Max-thing?
Yeah.

What, being funny
and surprising,

like, "There's Max.
Watch what happens."

Then other people are like,
"Very funny."

Then other people are like,
"Characters welcome."

Those are just the taglines
from Bravo, TBS and USA.

You know what? Fine.
If you weren't gonna tell him,

then how are you gonna
end that sentence?

"Mr. Forristal,
just so you know..."?

Just so you know,
this classic 1980s limo

which you seem to be so fond of
comes stocked

with all of its original sodas.

So sit back, relax,
and open an ice-cold TaB.

That's all you were gonna say?
Yeah. The more you know.

Would you get the ice for me?

Oh, of course, Mr. Brad.

I'll get your ice for you.

Wouldn't want
any more bags going

into your wealthy hands,
Mr. Brad.

Jane, the board
is working so well.

Everything is coming true,

so I decided to add
some new stuff. Oh.

Two first-class tickets
to Greece this weekend,

and I wanna gain 5 pounds
of muscle,

also for this weekend.

What?
I wanna look good for my trip.

That's quite a list.
I'm sure it'll all come true,

because what I would hate
is to lose faith in the board.

Is the universe up for all that,
Jane?

The universe will probably,

lie awake
trying to figure it out,

maybe develop stress eczema,

but yeah. Mm-hm.
I'm not worried.

This is Dave and his new lady.

We are not gonna
be judgmental of Molly.

Molly is a fat-ankle's name,

so everyone knows
won't be hearing me say that,

because I'm the picture
of self-control.

Isn't that right, Brad?
Come on, dude.

Okay.

Hi, guys. This is Molly.

Molly, this is... The gang.

Molly is such a beautiful name.

Oh! I love your boots.

I'm so bad because
they were super expensive,

but I saved up for a long time,
and my dad is rich.

She's cute, isn't she?
The boots are cute. I want them.

They're going on the board.
Money's no object, right, Jane?

No, the universe
is gonna provide.

I had a hunch you guys
were gonna get along.

Like I had a hunch about
that housing-market crisis.

You see, the problem is,
no one put any money down.

I'm gonna get working
on these steaks.

I'm so excited
to finally meet you.

You guys are so hot together.

You're a bit of a skinny bitch
for a black guy to be with.

Am I right, trick?
Yeah.

Put some meat on them bones.
It's true.

Oh, you look tired.

Oh, my God.
You must be the gay guy.

Gay guys love me.

Don't worry,
we won't sleep together.

Yes, we will.
You, me and Mr. Jelly Belly.

I don't like the way this feels.

Please don't do me.

Okay, Molly,
why don't you sit down,

and we will all
go get you a drink.

Wow, what a great starter home.

Love it. Super cute.
Mm-mm. Mm!

She is horrible.
Nightmare.

She is the worst.

Although, I like those boots.

I am still mad at you,

but right now
I have to prioritize my hate.

It goes her,
cooked green peppers,

and then back to you, champ!

Maybe she's just nervous.
We promised Dave.

Let's just suck it up
and get through this.

Oh, my God, a vision board.

My mother made one of these
in her Divorced Over 50 group.

I used to call it her
desperation board.

She did me.

I take it you're single, Penny?

She's gotta go.
I knew it.

God, Molly is a nice,
hot, sweet,

caring, hot person.

You said "hot" twice.
She is hot twice.

The other things I put in there
to spread out the "hots."

Whatever!
I'm having fun. Give me a break.

Dave, she jellied my belly.

You told me to bring her.
We hate her.

Ah! Well, clearly,
not everybody hates her.

Alex, my ex-fiancé,

who has more of a reason
to not like Molly,

is getting along fine, like
Vaughn and Favreau in there.

I knew you couldn't be nice
for just one night.

I think we should leave.
Dave.

Dave.
Dave.

We are bad, bad people.

Who wants some poutine?

Hey, fella. I know we're going
through a rough patch right now,

but my boss just texted me
and he was wondering

if you could give him
a ride tonight.

I don't know.
Please.

Please.
Pretty please with you on top?

All right, all right,
all right, I'll do it.

But only to prove to you
that I can take one limo ride

without crazy Max
shooting off his mouth.

Oh, there's crazy Max
shooting something off.

What's he shooting oft?
Probably his mouth

he's cra... I'll do it.
No big deal.

Hey.

Dude, you got food
all over your face.

You wanted to see me, sir?
Yes.

I wanted to go
over these reports.

Everything look all right?
Yeah, absolutely.

Even the gigantic piece
of pancake on my face?

Giant... What?
Pan who? Uh... Ahem.

I didn't even notice.
You didn't notice

that I always have food
on my face?

Yes, I did.

I just thought
it was a fashion choice

like leaving your tags on hats.

You should've said something.

Luckily, someone did.

Uh-oh. Burrito de breakfast,
coming in hot.

What up, Brad?

Try not to get any salsa
on your face, you maniac.

I love this guy.

Max is exactly
what we need around here.

I'm tired of yes-men.
You know what I mean?

Yes. Wait. No.
What's the right answer?

What are you doing here?
What do you mean?

He texted, "Bring me breakfast
burritos." I said okay.

Hey, hon.
Your plane just landed? Good.

No,
I'll have someone come get you.

You mind going?
No, no, no. I meant Brad.

Huh?
Max just got his burrito.

Sure thing.

I have a master's degree.
Absolutely.

Sir, you have a...

a little salsa on your face,
you maniac.

You don't have to be a jerk.
Got it.

Hey.
Hey.

What are you doing here?

Dropping off sister stuff
for Alex.

Is that a new top?
No.

You know, look what I found
here on the fridge.

Didn't you have go to Greece
on your board?

Yes, I did.

Well, uh...

It's not two first-class tickets
to Greece.

A ticket to a first-grade class
production of Grease 2.

Well, you know,
the universe is eons old

and sometimes
a little hard of hearing,

but I've heard the
Mayview Elementary Gazette

called Cody Libman,
the best cool rider

since Kyle Libman.

Very talented family.

So this is one hot ticket.
Well...

What is that smell?
I don't know.

I don't know
what that smell could be

but I think
it's coming from over here.

It's bringing me over here
to the...

Oh, my God.
Five pounds of mussels?

Didn't you ask for that?
Unbelievable.

Jane, everything on my board
is coming true.

No.
Do you remember when I put

"reconnect with ladies" there?

L... Vaguely.
Just this morning,

out of the crystal blue skies,

I get a letter
from my great-aunt Donna.

Huh! What did she have to say?

A lot.
It was a long letter

given the fact that she is dead.

A ghost.
Yeah.

Okay, I'm sorry, Penny.
I'm sorry.

Ugh.

I appreciate
what you're trying to do,

but you don't have
to fix my life.

I'm doing fine.
I know you are.

I just want you to have
everything you want.

I know, and it's very sweet
that you wanna do all this,

but you're not gonna bring
my aunt back to life,

and you can't make Parker
like me.

Parker?
You got him to ask me out.

No. No, I didn't.

You didn't?
No.

Oh, my God. The board works.

Oh! The board works!
I knew it! I knew it!

Except that
I thought you put him up to it,

so I told him off!
I blew it.

No, no, you can un-blow it.
I can un-blow it.

Shh! Some of us are taking naps.

Dave, what happened?

Ugh!
I got tagged by a Latin gang.

I'm not sure what it says,
but it can't be good.

How do you know?
The skull and penis.

Ugh. Look, everyone feels bad
about what happened last night.

Yeah, they were so judgy,
except you.

Why were you so nice to Molly?
I know you aren't serious.

You're dating her
because she's hot and I get it.

You should see her naked, it's...
No...

Sorry, sometimes I forget

that you're not
a regular friend.

You and I are always
gonna have a special thing,

and when I see
you have a special thing

with someone else
that's real and lasting,

I'm gonna be a total bitch,
just FYI.

I look forward to that day.

Oh, man. Another penis.

Dude, who throws keys that hard?
I do,

after having to drive
Forristal's wife around Chicago

for six hours

so she could finish her book
on tape,

Water for Elephants.

Ugh. Horrible.
I know.

I just started reading it.

Look, Brad...
What, Max? Hm?

Do you have my job now?

Do we both pee in a fountain,

or touch a magic skull
and then swap lives

so you get the nice house
and my hot wife

and I sleep on an air mattress,

and iron my clothes
with a toaster?

Everyone knows that ironing
is bad for your clothes.

Secondly, Forristal kicked me
out of his office.

And that is not an air mattress,

that is a very high-end
pool fioat.

Wait, go back to the second one.

Forristal asked me
to be honest with him,

I told him
you were the smartest,

most hardworking guy I knew,

next thing I know,
he kicked me out of his office.

Wait.
He kicked you out for that?

Well, not really for that.

He agreed with me.
He thinks you're awesome.

Oh.
I more, kind of, in a way,

misread a moment.

You're a great guy, Max.

You too.

Ahh.
Yeah, I'm an idiot.

Dude, you're not an idiot.
No, I am.

I ate a winning lottery ticket.
Oh.

You can't hold me.

Sink it. Sink it.

Hurt him. Hurt him.

Phylicia Rashad.

Yeah, that was Phylicia Rashad.

Yeah, it felt like Phylicia
would have done that.

All right.

So I'll call you.

I will be waiting by my phone.

He totally understood,
and he's so sweet

He said
I was a raven-haired beauty,

and then I said,
"That's so Raven,"

and then he laughed.
Or coughed.

But either way,
I think he likes me.

And the craziest part is
he has a vision board too.

Okay, okay,
when are you going out again?

Never.

Like I would date a guy
with a vision board.

Yeah, I know.

You would not date a guy
with a vision board.

Because it wasn't
on your vision board

to date a guy
with a vision board.