Original subtitles

The Necksercisor hits all the key neck muscles

for maximum neck fitness.

Imagine, you've got a great pair of abs,

but on your neck.

Bye-bye, muftin neck.

You'll thank me, come V-neck season.

Uh, V-neck season is year-round.

These are stupid, right? Oh, yeah. Big-time.

But thanks to that pitch,

I landed my firm the Necksercisor account,

doubling business.

Penny Hartz saves the day.

Number one seller on SkyMall, y'all!

Penny, you do realize this is not a normal thing

anyone should ever use?

Honey, don't use negative statements.

Hurts the fiow of conversation.

Something we learned in couples improv class.

Calm down.

The rules of improv are totally applicable

to relationships. Support your partner.

Never say no. Always say, "Yes" and...

For example, I am a doctor performing

a very dangerous surgery.

Yes, and I am a nurse admiring your medical integrity.

So it's not the comedy kind of improv.

Well, this is a lot better than couples yoga.

This is a weird Super Bowl party.

I mean, trust me,

I was against couples improv at first.

But once I got there, I discovered I was a natural.

Mm-hmm.

I think we should go to the moon.

- It's Kennedy. - No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

This will not do at all.

I couldn't find a parking spot. It is so crowded here.

What is that on your neck? Don't care. Back to my thing.

What is going on at Emma's?

Oh, Emma's made the Time Out Chicago Hot List

so it's full of tourists.

Tourists ruin everything.

This place. The Vatican.

Not all tourists are bad.

In fact, one very special tourist

will be joining us tomorrow.

- My mom. - What?

Dana's coming? Awesome.

She makes everything better.

Oh, my God, guys, look at this text

she just sent me recently.

"Sail the oceans of your dreams

"and be the discoverer of great places.

Happy Columbus Day." Damn.

She even makes Columbus Day cool.

I love my mom. We're like Gilmore Girls.

But we came first, so we're better.

Mom's a cool touring cabaret singer,

as opposed to whatever Mom Gilmore did.

She worked at an inn. Worked at an inn.

With her best friend, Sookie St. James.

They talk so fast on that show.

And that is why I am one of the few people

who can say they played sudoku with Neil Sedaka.

God, the life of an artist is so exciting.

Well, you're an artist now too.

I love that you and Brad

are taking that couples improv class.

And, Alex? Uh-huh?

Is there something a little bit different

about you today? No.

Just doing some neck work.

Yeah. Do you know, historically,

men prefer a specific neck-to-shoulder ratio?

That's not true. You've never looked better.

Hey, Davey. You look a bit down.

Why so sad en la facha?

Well, my food truck didn't make it

onto Time Out Chicago's Hot List.

Oh, robbed. I know.

All the food trucks there have ethnic flair.

What do I have to offer? I'm just a boring white guy.

David, America is a melting pot, correct?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Why don't you go on one of those

ancestry websites and do research?

You never know what kind of chunks

might be fioating around in your stew.

You're right. Maybe it just so happens

I have some unidentified stew chunks.

So, what are you doing in town?

I don't wanna make a big deal out of it,

but I've got a huge gig.

Opening act at the EastComm Arena.

What?

Sounds like things are going so great.

They are.

Doesn't Chris miss you when you're on the road?

Oh, you know how your stepdad is.

After seven years, he's used to it.

And he's got his own stuff going on.

Still doing the cash-for-gold thing

and loving every minute of it. Sure.

Oh, my God. Penny Hartz.

I just had the best idea. What?

You, me, singing

at the EastComm Arena together just like we used to

when we had our singing duo! Yes!

Two Hartz Beat as One.

Until you got remarried a few times

and we were One Hartz

and One Hartz-Hoffman-Johnson Beat as One.

Well, it was a heck of a lot better

than Two Hartz Beating as One Johnson.

It is shorter, though.

I'm thinking chicken for lunch.

Yes, and steak.

Yes, and pork. You can't have pork and steak

at the same time. You're not the King of England.

Maybe I can.

Let them eat cake. That's Marie Antoinette

and that's France. Can we stop with couples improv?

No, to keep our edge,

we need real-world practice, okay?

Our final performance is next week.

Oh, cool. Put me down for no tickets.

Hey, table for three.

All right, let me just get your name,

and it looks like the wait

will be an hour and 45 minutes.

Great, an hour and 45 minutes.

Because of all the tourists in here, huh?

Well, I just wanna let everybody know

that I will come to your town

and eat at your crappy restaurants!

So get used to this face, America! Yep.

All right, let's go. I am never coming back!

Excuse me.

Is this a limo tour or something?

Limo tour?

No. Yes.

And you can experience the city the way the rich and famous do:

In a super old limo.

How much does it cost? Sixty, 60 bucks, 60 smackeroos.

And will this very attractive mixed-race couple,

clearly from out of town, be joining us as well?

Yes!

And I will retrieve the money

from my pocket right now.

Come on, guys. Great.

That's 60 bucks a head, 80 if your head is larger.

You fall into that category.

Calls 'em as I sees 'em.

What I sees is quite a melon with a visor on.

What a great day with your mom.

I mean, she just inspires everybody,

even strangers.

My heart melted when she convinced our cabbie

to find his birth father.

Pen, right? Pen? Pen?

Oh, there you are. Hi.

You gotta stop using that Necksercisor on.

You're just jealous because your neck is skinny.

Okay? Like the ad says,

"Neck yourself before you wreck yourself."

I wrote that. It's nonsense.

You can't neck yourself.

Can't I? Can't I, though?

Hey, Penny, it's Chris.

Oh, he misses my mom. Hope you're doing okay.

I'm sure your mom told you about the divorce by now.

But I hope you and I can still stay in touch.

All right. Take care.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry. Sit down, ladies,

because I'm about to blow your minds.

Did some research, and I am one-sixteenth Navajo.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll just give it a minute to sink in.

Oh, Chris is such a jerk. I never liked him anyway.

Oh, except for that time he did take us

to that cool corn maze at the state fair.

That was legit.

But this is unlegit. Illegit?

Hey, guys.

Dave-o, how did the research go? Pretty great.

I found out that I am one-sixteenth Navajo.

What? That is the lottery of ancestry.

Mom, can we talk?

Like an old-fashioned gab sesh?

Is this about your sexuality?

Because I just read that scientists

have discovered something called the J-spot.

Now, that's three beyond G, so, you know, you do the math.

Kablowee!

You know what? Give us a second.

Okay. Bye, Dave-Dave.

Bye. Look at this cutie.

Look at those purple pants.

Chris left me a voicemail. You guys are splitting up?

Oh. Did I forget to tell you about that?

Come on, I'm moving past it.

This is Captain Dana of the SS Freshstart,

telling Detective Penny not to give it a second thought.

Mom... Oh, plus I've been too busy

buying us matching halter pantsuits

for our duet. Come on, sing it with me.

Why aren't you doing harmony?

You know what? That sounded good!

I'm excited, tomorrow night!

I'm gonna go try my suit on. Okay.

Watch your step, stranger. Thanks.

Welcome to Chicago.

Now, here's a fun fact:

Chicago was originally nicknamed the Window City,

but another city had that nickname first.

So thanks a lot, Omaha.

Really? That doesn't sound right.

Uh, yea...

Yes, it is true.

We are from Omaha.

And that is a true fact. Yeah.

We're called the "Window City"

because of our famous window museum.

It's a lot of just looking right through

to other parts of the museum.

Oh. See? I know things.

So let's go see the Sears Tower, huh?

And I'll show you how it got its new nickname,

the Beers Tower.

It's because you're gonna buy me beers there!

So your mom isn't devastated?

No, she's taking it amazingly well.

I'm sorry. I can't move on until we address this jacket.

Let's do it.

So this is definitely a Navajo thing?

And you feel good about that? It's a metaphor.

Each fringe represents a tribe.

Each bead, a white man's broken promise.

Plus it's reversible.

This is helping you with a new sandwich?

Yes, and it is great.

Buffalo meat, green chiles and corn.

Although I couldn't find the Navajo word for "sandwich."

So I'm calling it Seit'aad, which is an actual sand witch.

A real witch who lives in the sand?

She who buries her victims in the many dunes.

Okay, I'm ready to move on now.

Yeah, it's weird. My mom is, like,

totally unfazed by this divorce.

Sounds like, maybe, she isn't dealing with her feelings.

Aside from the jacket, Dave isn't completely off base.

Sometimes, spinning something can have a negative effect.

Like how you sold me on that Necksercisor.

Now, I can't move the upper part of my body.

I told you to stop using that thing like, a hundred times.

Did you, though? I don't know.

Maybe you guys are right.

You need to get her to be honest with herself,

no matter how hard it is. It's like my people say:

"Coyote is always out there waiting."

Is it like that? You tell me.

Oh, I got this.

All right.

Are you actually paying for something out of money

from your own wallet? Well, I am flush

from giving all those tours today.

Shouldn't we get a cut of that?

Your cut is that you're building

a strong relationship through improv.

Plus you have money. Why do you need a cut?

It's the principle of the thing.

Plus, maybe I have a boat fund. Hmm-mm.

I don't know. I haven't thought about how my boat

will have an antique mahogany steering wheel

and be called, Yeah, Buoy. Fine.

I'll give you a cut.

Nope. improvising.

Keep your head in the game, dudes.

I don't need you guys. I can do it myself.

No, you can't. We're the talent.

Watch me, by which I mean don't,

'cause you won't be there to watch me

'cause I don't need y'all.

Oh, well, then we don't need you

as a dinner companion.

Come on, boo.

You ain't right in here. Oh, I'm right in here

and in here.

Hi.

Jump in!

Mom, I think we need to have a serious talk.

Oh, did you find your J-spot?

Uh-mm. I hope you used a bite stick.

Because they were very specific about that in the article.

No, we need to have an honest discussion about the fact

that you're getting a divorce. Oh, that. Come on.

It's for the best.

Let's talk about the show.

No, no, forget about the show!

You and your husband of seven years are splitting up!

Excuse me, miss, remember what I taught you?

Shouting is bad for your vocal cords,

and we have our gig tomorrow.

So if you're gonna be angry,

you have to sing your angry thoughts.

Go ahead.

Mom, I'm worried about you.

This is the first time you've been on your own in years.

Aren't you worried it all about money?

I think it's time to think about getting a real job.

A real job?

I'm playing at the EastComm Arena tomorrow night.

Hello. Really?

I want you to tell me the truth about this gig and not,

like, your super-positive spin version of it.

I knew you were spinning it.

Stop, stop singing, okay? I'm not singing a duet

with you tomorrow at a boat show.

Okay, Mom, I think it would be really good for you

to face reality.

There's nothing to be ashamed of,

but you're 50 and your husband left you,

and you have a career that isn't going anywhere.

Oh, it's good...

Hello, Max. How's the tour business?

Amazing.

I'm even thinking of expanding, starting a bike tour.

Where I bring people around and show them famous bikes...

Oh, it's terrible.

I brought Scotty in to replace you guys.

It's just been a disaster.

This pedestrian mall

we're standing on now is actually the site

of the Great Chicago Fire of 1987.

Yes, and I hear if you put your ear to the ground,

you can still hear the screams of the victims

who are begging God for death.

The people who walked in there that day

couldn't have known they were entering a mass grave.

Which is basically a pile of dead bodies

they scoop dirt on top of.

That's not good. I need you guys.

You're the best improvisers a fake tour guide could ask for.

I mean, you're my Wayne Brady, Jane.

And you're my Greg Proops, Brad.

I'm not that easy. You're my Ryan Stiles.

Uh! Yes! Yes!

Oh. Thank you guys so much for coming.

My mom is in a really dark place.

And I know you guys are gonna cheer her up.

Brad, we should do that scene we did in class.

He was a blind magician and I was a cellist

who couldn't use adjectives. Go.

Where's my rabbit? Describe it to me.

I can't use adjectives.

Is this my rabbit? No.

We'll play it by ear. Hey, Mom.

Look, everybody stopped by.

You got any more pub cheese and a bigger spoon?

Everyone wanted to wish you well before your big show.

Yes. Break a leg. Break a leg.

It's a boat show, people.

I'm singing at a boat show.

So now you get to perform for people and boats.

No, I chased the dream too long, guys.

Oh, just once

I wanted that feeling of rushing off stage

at Madison Square Garden,

waving to my screaming fans

as I'm driven away to my private plane.

I guess I'll just have to settle

for being booed off stage at a Bennigan's,

making my way past truck-stop ho's,

piling into a shared-ride van destined for Des Moines

via crippling loneliness.

Well, that is worse than anyone thought.

Uh, I mean, hang in there.

There's a silver lining that is right around...

Does someone wanna jump in here?

Dana, you know what they say:

Oh, my God. Dave, do you think you're a real Navajo now?

Made a few friends at the American Indian Center.

Have you?

Did that make you cry? No.

Because you're not a real Indian, David!

Native American.

Dana, I have a great idea.

What's that, skinny neck?

I don't think the name-calling's necess...

You want some? You think improv is gonna save your marriage?

Doubt it! Just wait until the laughter dies,

and all you're left with is pain, regret,

and a Netflix account

that you don't know the password to!

And then there's Max.

Snarky, detached, gay Max.

I don't like it when people... Well, let's see

how cute that is when you're alone at 50.

Okay, Mommy's gotta skedaddle.

She's got a few boating enthusiasts to underwhelm.

Oh, check you later.

What did you do to her? That was like opposite Dana.

You guys told me to get real with her.

We didn't say break her spirit. I don't like it. Fix her.

Know how I said I wanted you to do a roast of me?

Please don't. I can't handle it.

It's in the works. Guys, don't feel bad.

She's just acting out.

Alex, I think your neck looks jacked.

Dave, you are one-sixteenth Navajo.

And don't let that white woman take that from you.

Brad and Jane, building a stable marriage

through wordplay is nothing to scoft at.

And, Max, you are just an acquired taste.

Like goat cheese or Mr. Bean. Mr. Bean?

It was on the fly. On the fly? Everybody el...

What am I gonna do about my mom, you guys, I broke her?

Do what you just did for us.

Spin negative into a positive.

I am good at that.

I mean, I got that from her.

So, what you're saying is I need to pull a Dana.

I need to turn a garbage-can fire

into a 55-gallon s'mores machine.

Is that what I'm to hear?

If any of that metaphor means making your mom feel better,

then yes.

You don't think I'll be alone at 50, right?

Oh, come on. You're not gonna make it to 50.

Oh. Natalie Imbruglia. She gets it.

We are a little late, aren't we, boatists?

And then next thing you know, your perfect sky's torn.

Yeah, just like the ozone.

Why doesn't anybody talk about that anymore?

It's kind of a big deal. Talk about boats!

- We're all alone! - Not always.

You came? Mom, I totally screwed up.

I should never have criticized your positivity.

It inspires people, like how you told me

I could have any job Barbie had.

I've had three so far.

Because of you, I'm a positive person too.

It's why I'm good at my job.

And why when I was in that convenience store robbery,

I just kept thinking: "Hey, at least I'm on TV."

Because I was, and I looked great.

You sure did. Yeah.

But you know what?

I think I could stand to be a little less of a dreamer, Pen.

Oh, Mom, it's what makes you special.

And it's why everybody loves you.

And it's why we all spread the word

about the hottest show in Chicago.

Here we go. Americans and natives.

You came after all those things I said?

Brought all these people to a stupid boat show?

We wanted the old Dana back.

Boats aren't stupid. You know why?

Why? They allow you

to sail the oceans of your dreams

and be the discoverer of great places.

Happy Columbus Day.

Come on. Let's not leave the people waiting.

That lady right there, that's a real famous singer.

And she often entertains at our family compound.

You want dueling Kennedys,

you've got dueling Kennedy's.

Martha's Vineyard. Cuba.

I'm torn. Torn.

Take a bow. Okay.

Miss Hartz,

your private plane awaits.

No photos, please. Very important.

No, please. I don't want that camera.

Oh, no, honey.

There's already a boat called Yeah, Buoy.

No! Ugh.

Guess, I'm gonna have to rack my brain

for days thinking of a new...

Buoys on the Side.

What about Let's Hear It for the Buoys?

Oh. That's adequate.

How about Buoys 'n the Hood?

Backstreet Buoys?

Guys, these are all great ideas,

but I cannot afford all these boats.