Original subtitles

Here's to the one-year anniversary

of you running out our wedding.

At least we're finally using the free honeymoon suite.

Yeah, well, not exactly the way I thought we'd be using it.

Hey, guys. Get some shrimp.

Happy anniversary.

Happy anniversary. Happy anniversary.

I'm glad you all could be here

to commemorate the worst day of my life.

I thought the worst day was when you didn't get on stage

at that Spin Doctors concert.

Or when your mom taught our sex-ed class.

What about the day we made you wear your visor rightside up?

I thought the worst was the day was that haircut you have now.

Remember that time when I got my shirt caught...?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Why am I participating in this?

Who wants an oyster? Me.

No, none for me. I am allergic to shellfish.

She gets all pukey and twitchy.

Then I gotta take care of her all night,

which I find very rewarding.

Wait, keep them away from Dave also.

'Cause he's super allergic. Yeah, super allergic.

Why didn't you get these pre-shucked?

This is so much work.

Penny, you're sweet, but so, so dumb.

You wanna eat your oysters as soon as they've been shucked.

That's true. Now, when shucking an oyster,

you really want to make sure that you get in there.

These oysters are from the northern part of...

You stabbed me, dude.

I stabbed you, dude! I stabbed you, dude!

Guys. Guys.

- Oh, my God. - I got it.

Get my EpiPen. It's in my purse.

Okay. Get this knife out of me!

I got it. I got it. Oh, God.

I got it. What do I do?

You can't touch shellfish too. Oh, right.

What do I do? I only have one shot!

Throat's closing.

S What do I do?

All right, okay, I'm not allergic to shellfish.

What? Oh, God,

here comes the pukes.

When you do it, it makes me...

I can't hear the sound.

Okay, everybody chill.

Should we order a movie?

Lincoln Lawyer. I love these opening credits.

Ladies and gays, welcome to my new home.

Excuse me, but Max is the only gay aqui.

I don't know. Many think you're on the low.

This is surprisingly nice. Agreed. Yeah.

It's two bedrooms, two and a half baths.

Italian-marble countertops.

In a word, amazing.

Again? Just gonna ride that into the ground.

It's always been my dream to be a homeowner.

Why wait to get married to buy my first place?

We are so proud of you.

This is gonna be the year of Penny.

Who wants to twirl with me?

Whoo! Whoo!

Ha, ha!

Hooray!

What?

Oh, now a brother can't twirl?

Dude, you psyched for movie night?

I got all the best black-and-white classics.

Lethal Weapon, Trading Places, Beverly Hills Cop.

Beverly Hills Cop is black and white and white.

What about Men In Black?

That's black and white in black.

What about Erin Brockovich? Just white as hell.

Royal Tenenbaums? Come on, that's white.

White, white, white, white, white, white, white, white.

Black, brown and white.

Damn, trick.

I'm not gonna be able make it.

I gotta work late.

What? This is the third time

you bailed on me in two weeks. We never hang anymore.

Dude, it's just getting crazy over there, you know.

Is this because I stabbed you? I said I was sorry.

You did not say you were sorry. I did say...

No, you said, "Comme ci, comme ça."

"That was pretty cool how it went in your leg."

"I thought there'd be more blood."

That's my version of an apology,

and it's pretty heartfelt.

Come on, let's hang out.

Come on, I don't do well when I'm alone.

So how's Penny's new place?

It's awesome, but you're probably allergic.

Listen, Al, I only lied to you

because I didn't have the heart to tell you

your jambalaya's the most disgusting I've tasted.

No offense. Offense.

Guys, every couple has lies they tell each other.

Not Brad and me, we're perfect...

He bought a motorcycle, crashed it,

and then sold the parts to his cousin, Randall.

I knew that. I mean, he is a wild hog.

Anyway, you two have a chance to start over as friends.

So why don't you clean the slate and just be honest from now on?

I guess we could try. Trust me, you will feel better.

Okay, um...

I never really liked your goatee.

Oh. Didn't... Was not really aware of that.

Um, okay.

I don't really love your favorite perfume.

I hate your mom.

Okay, that's a good start for today.

No, no, no. She wants to play, I can play.

All right. I'm not really afraid of dogs.

I was just afraid of what would happen if you owned one.

Okay, you know those stupid

webbed barefoot-running socks?

They weren't bad for your calves

They were bad for my ability to wanna have sex with you.

Oh!

Okay. Richard Gere is not a Hurricane Katrina denier.

What? Yeah, I just said that to you

so we didn't have to watch Pretty Woman for the 74th time.

You know your friend, Glazer?

He didn't actually steal my bra and sell it on Craigslist.

I couldn't spend another Sunday watching you two play frolf.

Frolf? Frisbee golf.

Okay, you know that thing under your mantel

that I told you was a tiny brick closet?

It's a working fireplace.

I was afraid you were gonna burn the building down.

Okay, well, I hated that song you wrote for me.

"Love to the Power of Love." You said it made you cry.

It was 12 minutes long. Oh, and terrible.

You wanna know terrible? Yeah.

That stupid Hula-Hoop dance you do.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, this one here?

Where I take the hula hoop, I put it on and do this?

And I shake it, shake it. Still terrible.

Bring it up. On the neck. Look, I take it to the neck.

Hey, let's hoop it on down.

You don't like this? Hoop it on down.

Wow, that was healthy.

God, now that you guys aren't together,

you are able to sing your songs, and hoop around,

and watch your Gere movies, and play your frolf.

I mean, phew!

You feel great? I feel great. I might get bangs.

No, I'm not gonna do that. Jane, you crazy.

I'm gonna go back to work. Go to work!

Thanks for helping me pick out this lamp, Jeremy.

Thanks for your number. Thanks for asking.

I'd say this afternoon has been "illuminating."

We're gonna quit while you're behind. The lamp.

See? Year of Penny is firing on all cylinders.

I buy a condo to prove

I don't need a guy to get on with my life, boom,

I meet a guy I wouldn't have met if I hadn't bought a condo.

We get it, you have a condo.

Well, it's a pretty big deal. What the hell?

What? Brad said he was working late.

So? So if that's work,

I should be considered

one of Chicago Business Weekly's top 30 under 30.

He's just hanging with some guys.

Don't make a big deal out of this.

So are you gonna make a big deal out of it?

Well, I don't think that's a very bright idea.

I gotta buy a bulb and take this to the next level.

I am on fire. Year of Penny. Suck it.

Get out of here with that, man!

You crazy, man. Thanks for the beer.

That's what's up, man. Hey, keep it cool, brother.

All right... I'm sorry.

L'Bradford, I do declare.

Must be coming from your office.

This is a really nice office.

Is this your fax machine right here?

You mind if I have a sip of your fax machine?

Okay.

What a delicious fax machine. Just calm down.

You lied to me, man!

Now I find you at a sports bar with a bunch of black men.

One who looks like Dwyane Wade.

Why can't I hang out with you? Because I'm white?

No, Max. This is a networking thing.

I didn't not invite you because you're white.

It's because you're not professional.

I could be professional.

Yeah, you have a better chance being black than professional.

That's not a challenge. I feel you.

What was that? Don't do that. "Chi-City."

The Rock is in the building. Unnecessary.

Watch the Throne, son. Watch your step.

You know what I'm saying? I don't know this man!

It's in my blood. Africa. Africa.

Welcome. You're my first caller.

Made me sound like a prostitute. I'm not a prostitute.

Wow, this place is amazing.

Thanks.

Do you have any roommates? Nope.

It is just me and you.

Really? Wow.

I live with five guys. Ooh, I love guys.

Again, not a prostitute.

Is this Italian marble?

Sure, yeah. I guess.

How many square feet is this place?

Oh, I don't know. Really have your life together.

Is that a bad thing? No.

I just need to go, work on my résumé.

Oh, no, Jeremy. Jeremy, wait.

I know it seems like I have my life together.

But I am a mess. Okay, psycho.

I will friend your mom on Facebook

and start showing up at events I was not invited to.

You know what, these cabinets are not even that nice.

I mean, look at this. Is that a wine fridge?

Jer? Jer-bear?

Hon, Jeremy was clearly a loser.

Guys would kill to date a girl with a place like this.

Last girl I dated lived on a boat.

That's romantic.

Docked in the parking lot of the store where she worked.

Okay, I don't know where you find people.

You know what? You guys are right.

I don't even know what I was thinking.

I mean, this place is great. I'm great.

Year of Penny back on track.

Year of Penny! Yes.

I am gonna take these into the bedroom.

What's happening?

These are the running socks Alex didn't want me to wear.

Can you believe that she hated these?

Hate? No.

Those are, uh, great.

Right? Yeah.

So I got you a pair.

Just to say thank you for freeing us from our lies.

Let's go for a run. Oh, good, yeah.

What's this...? What's this color?

Like, an aquaflage? Yeah.

I hope you like the color. Oh! Yeah, no.

Jane loves a good aquaf...

I'm gonna go. I'm gonna give... I'm gonna try them on.

Hi, I'm Mrs. Sarner from 3G. Welcome to the building.

It's nice to see a couple buying this place.

Oh, no, we're not...

Because the last two ladies who owned the condo were so sad.

They both died alone.

That's something that was not disclosed to me.

Some people in the building even think this unit is cursed.

Isn't that crazy?

A condominium could turn a gal into a sad spinster.

These cookies are cran-apple.

Thanks. Enjoy.

Thank you. See you at the mixer.

Penny, relax. This place is not cursed.

Penny, you didn't tell me you got a cat.

He is so cute.

You are cute. Wait.

I didn't get a cat, because cats are for spinsters.

Is it cold in here?

I need a housecoat and a hot tea with lemon.

Should I get an AOL e-mail? What's happening to me?

So this isn't your cat? No!

Why do we keep watching the same Lethal Weapon scene?

Because I lost my Murtaugh.

I don't understand what my friends say.

Brad doesn't want me joining

his stupid, professional, networking group.

Oh, fuzzy face. Come on!

You said you'd watch Richard Gere movies with me.

I heard Primal Fear has a very cool surprise ending.

Gere finds out Norton was lying about his split personality,

and murdered the archbishop. Come on!

Okay, what about Unfaithful? Gere bashes the French guy

with a snow globe. You're killing me!

Like tumors killed Winona Ryder in Autumn in New York.

Why are you doing this?

Hello, Alex!

Nice socks. You look like a gay ninja.

I am gonna go for a run with Jane.

Oh, and I called Glaze earlier. Good convo. Tough.

Yes, there were tears because of your lies.

But I'm gonna go play some frolf and make him feel better.

I wish I could watch you nerds, but I've gotta make jambalaya.

People are going crazy for it at the store. Really?

Women are going crazy

for trying on clothes and eating hot seafood soup?

Can't get enough of that seafood soup.

Yeah.

I've had the worst day ever. Eww.

Morning started with frolf.

Dave, Glaze, myself.

And since I told Alex she'd be a great dog owner,

we went to the shelter.

Turns out she's only qualified to take care of a snake.

I'm naming him Tyler.

I stupidly encouraged Dave to record his song.

Then it was back to Alex's,

where she wanted to prove she could make a fire.

I'm not sure you should be feeding Peeps to the snake.

He seems a little bit off. No, he loves them.

What about the flue, Al?

Snakes don't get the flu. Did you even open it?

What? You use charcoal to make fire?

Oh, Jane.

Kind of ironic, isn't it?

You push Dave and Alex to stop lying,

but now all you can do is lie to them.

You're doing exactly what you don't want them to do.

Look at you all dirty.

Just covered in lies. Now I see, that's funny.

You wanna tell me about the motorcycle you bought?

Hmm? What?

Run you a bubble bath? Okay, all right.

Maxwell Blum.

JD, DDS, Esquire. How's it going?

JD, DDS? You're a lawyer and a dentist?

I like cleaning teeth. Sue me.

Max, can I talk to you for a second?

Talk is cheap. Am I right?

Let's get down to brass tacks.

What's going on with this debt ceiling?

Does China own us?

I wanna join professional group.

You guys network so well.

Professionals' group?

I haven't had a job in, what, like five years?

Unless you count sleeping till 1,

trying to bring back the phrase "bust a move" as a job.

Oh, my God!

You're like black Max.

You're... You're Blax.

Hold up. Is this white Daryl?

I am not white Daryl, and you lied to me again.

Sometimes I just wanna hang out with the brothers.

Why are you talking like that? I was hanging with the brothers.

And it takes a while to go away. See, it's gone.

Sometimes I just need a break from NPR and recycling

or that awesome chest pass Steve Nash made.

Oh, really, fam? Yeah.

You gonna pull that Steve Nash card.

Why are you talking like that? Everybody's with the brothers.

And we're hanging out and talking like that.

I didn't tell you because you get crazy

anytime you feel excluded from something.

It's... Hey, Brad.

If I hook you up with a used Borders gift card,

think you could give me a ride to small-claims court?

Crap. Damn it. I am white Daryl.

I'm totally fine, Jane. I took the cat to a shelter.

And I know my apartment's not cursed.

Oh, and I decided to have a housewarming party.

Roaring '20s theme.

It looks like the year of Penny is back in full...

Oh, no, no, no.

What the hell is with all the cats?

No. Come on. Just get to stepping.

Get on now. Move it along. Come on.

Get out! Get out!

Shoo! Shoo!

Okay, Penny. Calm down.

Get some wine.

Take a breath. Just watch some TV.

Why is the DVR filled with The Good Wife and The View?

I didn't record these.

These are for lonely women who talk to themselves.

Oh, my God! I'm talking to myself!

"Single meals for one"?

"Personal pizzas"?

Personal pizzas.

Jane, you're not wearing your running socks.

Oh, yeah. I am bummed, too, Glaze.

But Penny wanted it to be historically correct

with the 1920s theme. So grr.

Then I'll go polish the china in the servants' quarters.

You don't polish china.

What's up?

What's up with you?

Shouldn't you be ready for your party?

It's already happening.

Pen. Pen. You okay?

Like anybody cares. Give me the ice cream.

Okay, got another one.

Okay, how did you...?

Give me the couch ice cream. And let's get you dressed.

Just leave me alone, Jane. Give me the ground ice cream.

And let's get you dressed.

Go. Go. Come on. Let's go.

Hey, Brad.

How's it going?

Oh! Where are my manners? These are my gay friends.

Sometimes you wanna hang out with your peeps.

Right. Anyway, this is Connor.

He's enormous. This is Joel. He's silent.

And this is Steve. We call him gay Brad.

No, we don't, and my name's Ken. And he's Asian.

He's Asian?

I don't see skin color or eye shape.

Anyway, let's get out of here, guys.

These straight folks are bringing me down.

Let's go talk about gay stuff. Gay stuff?

That's right, Brad. Gay stuff.

Come on.

Don't you wish they made trading cards of designers?

Whoa. Really, Alex?

You're gonna serve that disgusting jambalaya?

This is a housewarming party, not a house-clearing party.

Boom. Poetry slam.

I heard you went to the shelter, they wouldn't give you a dog.

So you had to get a snake instead.

Had to? No, no, no. I chose Tyler.

And dogs are played out with their whole soft, cuddly,

best-friend thing.

On a scale of fur to scales, I prefer scales.

Well, things have been going pretty awesome with me, too.

Been frolfing and jamming.

And my song turned out so great, Glaze put it on his website.

Defglazerecords.com.

Dot org was taken. Been getting tons of hits.

Don't make a big deal about it. That's awesome.

Maybe you should play it for everyone.

Yeah. No.

Bro. No!

Yeah. Bro. Bro.

I didn't bring my guitar, I can't...

He's got one. Why don't you ask him?

You really think I can pull oft James Perse crew-neck T-shirt?

As long as I can be there when you pull it oft.

What's happening here?

Just talking Ts with my Bs who went G because they like D.

Pound me.

No! Gay Brad, you do not pound "Brad" Brad.

Gays, inside. Go. You guys can pound me.

Why can't I pound your friends?

Because they're not my friends.

They're guys I met at the gym who are way too into the '20s.

What is going on with you? I'm freaking out.

About what? Used to hang out all the time.

And then you got married to Jane and you got this big fancy job,

I barely ever see you anymore.

And the free time you do have you spend it with other people.

Dude...

We're always gonna have stuff going on in our lives, man.

Well, me, you know, my life.

Your life's pretty much... Of course.

But you're my Riggs, trick. I am, ho?

Come on, fella.

You know Murtaugh would never bail on Riggs,

even when real-life Riggs gets super racist

and verbally abusive towards his boo.

I love you the most, man. Bring it in.

You sure you're not on the low?

That's my cell phone, man.

Look, everyone's having a great time.

What is wrong with people? This song is so sad.

The square root of love is love.

Here, try this.

I put peanut butter in this batch.

Just a little bit of horseradish in there.

Why?

Okay, enough.

Dave, stop, okay?

I love you, but that song is really bad.

Those running socks are hideous, and frolf is not a sport.

Hey, we have a newsletter. Shut up, Glaze.

All those things Alex said, they're true.

Thank you, Jane. You see, Dave... Calm down, Al.

Everything you've done in the past few days has been stupid.

You almost burned down your apartment.

And, Penny. Oh, my God.

Is your breakdown sponsored by Dreyer's?

Look, you're not gonna turn into an old spinster

just because you bought a condo.

Which, by the way, is not cursed!

Jane, then you wanna explain about all the cats?

Wait. You found my cats? I live next door.

I've trained them to crawl into vents and open windows.

Fair enough. Okay.

Then what about all the episodes of The View on my TV?

You didn't erase those, did you?

'Cause I can't DVR The View at home anymore

because my DVR is filled, so I DVR it here.

Okay, then does someone wanna explain to me

this coupon for personal pizzas,

which is really just a really great deal.

Uh, I'm...

I'm sorry.

You guys, thank you for coming.

Hope everybody has a great time.

Year of Penny! Play something.

One, two, three!

Actually, guys, I'm sorry. I don't know any other songs.

You know, your jambalaya wasn't all that bad.

There were good batches back in '07, I think.

Yeah, and your song, I mean,

the lyrics are actually really touching.

We're lying, right? Yeah, it works for us.

Stop having a moment, you two.

Toast.

Thank you.

To my friends.

I know I'll never be sad and alone

because I'll always have you.

You're not gonna be alone. Aw, thanks.

No, literally, 'cause I need to move in.

Jane wasn't kidding. I smoked out my apartment.

There's a snake loose that's mad at me

'cause I gave him diabetes.

Roomies? If you'll have me.

Yes, yes!

Bring it in. Cheers.

Cheers.