Original subtitles

Big news. New rom-com opening tonight.

Bet it's got super vague title

that tells nothing about the movie.

That's the Way It's Gotta Be. Do they have to be so stupid?

That's the title. That's the Way It's Gotta Be.

Let me guess, it's about someone who has to pretend to win a bet.

Or somebody dates someone to prove for some article.

Somebody who's supposed to marry then leaves them at the...

Doctor's office. Whoa!

So, okay, I have to get out. Wait, someone left this sweater

at my apartment.

Oh, that's mine. That's my sweater.

How can it be both of yours? How can you wear the same size?

It's supposed to be like boyfriendy and slouchy.

It's supposed to be tight and formfitting.

My grandma gave it to me on her deathbed.

How many times has she died?

You said the same thing about half a club sandwich.

Know what this means?

We're gonna have to figure out who gets the sweater.

Oh, not another dumb competition that nobody cares about.

Jane and I are not gonna do one of our stupid competitions.

It's just... No. Get back here, you gay.

"You gay"? That's the best you can think?

Ridiculous. Idiots.

I gotta see this. Yay! Me too.

Hey, guys, wait! See you.

Seriously? I get stuck with the check?

What is the point of having white friends?

Don't worry, don't have to pay for my second waffie.

Or my first omelet.

You two are acting like children.

No, we're not!

I look better in it! I look better in it!

No you don't. Your body doesn't fill it out.

Your chubby body's gonna rip it. Chubby?

You guys are vain.

You probably think this sweater's about you.

Don't you dare make that joke. I got it.

Max, whoever is less vain gets the sweater.

Oh, it's on, you skinny nut job.

You're a nut job.

Hello, David. Hi.

Hi. Hello. Dave, don't be rude.

Introduce us to this gentleman.

This is Richard.

He's my, uh, work friend, colleague,

who I know from camp, the war.

Dance class.

The war. Which war?

The war on drugs, and we won.

You're welcome.

Well, it was nice to meet all of you.

Bye.

Wow.

Who was that tall drink of cashmere?

A long lingerer.

He's my therapist. Oh, thank God.

I was worried you were taking a dance class.

Why wouldn't you tell us you're in therapy?

I just started seeing him and it's starting to help a bit.

And I knew you guys were gonna make fun of me.

So go ahead. Have at.

No, Dave.

We're gonna make fun of you for saying "have at."

No. I would never. Therapy is great.

My therapy is my gardening.

I like to get in there and dig, and just smash and smash.

And just smash it until...

David, tons of people are in therapy.

I've been going since I was a kid.

In fact, I still see

my childhood psychologist, Roz Liebowitz.

He touched me here and here.

I wanted him to touch me here, but he wouldn't.

Why wouldn't he?

Yeah, man. You gotta relax. Therapy's cool.

I find it helps me

become a more mature, well-rounded...

I got the sweater.

It's like being attacked by a rake.

Really? I'll pay for that. I think just around the corner.

Ow, ow.

I twisted my ankle twisting Max's ankle.

Oh, Poor baby. You want some tea?

What's wrong with your voice? Strained it talking to Alex.

You know my voice gets weird when I'm nervous.

Why were you nervous?

'Cause we have nothing to talk about.

If you have to work, don't keep me company.

Oh, no, no. It's cool. We never get to hang out.

You know? It'll be nice. Yeah!

So... So...

Yep.

And it got even worse after that.

There's also a lot of greens.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Lime green.

Kelly green.

Green can mean inexperienced,

which when you think about it, that's pretty cool.

Honey, Alex is my sister. You guys should be close.

We are close. We're just not, like, one-on-one close.

Well, you could be.

Call her now. Ask her to lunch.

Fine. I'll do that. I'll call her right now.

No phones sound like that. Shh. Babe, I'm on the phone.

How are we gonna decide who's less vain?

Throw acid at each other? It's psychotic. I like it.

What about face tattoos?

Mm, we talking Tyson or Kat Von D?

We're talking Kat Von Tyson with a little Mike Von D.

Well, I like it. I can be down with that.

Okay, guys. I've got it.

Pick out the worst outfit for each other.

And whoever wears it the longest, wins?

Great. Love it. In. Well, prepare to lose.

You're gonna look like trash in this hideous garbage.

Stop it.

You're gonna scare away the customers.

What customers?

Sometimes I get scared in here.

And all my friends were really supportive.

Sorry. Especially Penny.

She even told me she has a therapist too.

Interesting. Do you think this is something

that she would only say to you,

or would she say it to, say, a boyfriend?

Or an on-again, off-again female lover?

Well, I guess if she had a female...

Wait, huh? Wait. What?

Anyway, you know what I think would really help you?

I am so sorry. Ah, we have to stop.

It's unbelievable. It just flies by.

Here's what I'd like you to think about for next week.

Getting me Penny's number. I wanna ask her out.

Out? Like, out on a...?

I'm sorry. What's happening here?

I know I appear to view life from a distance in a way

that may make you think I am, I don't know, godlike.

But in my off-hours, I'm a flesh-and-blood man

who enjoys travel, tart apples,

artisanal cheeses, just like you.

I'm sorry.

Asking for my friend's number is a bit inappropriate.

Well, obviously

it would be wildly inappropriate if we were in a session.

But out here, it's totally appropriate, see?

Appropriate. inappropriate.

Appropriate. inappropriate. Do you understand?

So this, uh...?

Am I paying for this? No.

Bye-bye.

Dude, I need your help. All right, but it'll cost you.

Uh, you owe me $8,000. Dude, I'm here for you.

Having lunch with Alex tomorrow, I know it's gonna be awkward.

So hit me with an out-call at, like, 1:20.

No worries. I have the best out-call. There's a meteor...

Not a meteor's about to hit the Earth.

Fine. I will think of another one.

Gracias.

How do you think Jane would feel wearing high-waisted jeans?

I think she'd have to be high and wasted.

Awesome. She is going to...

Hate this. Everything about this shirt is gonna look bad on Max.

He has two of them. He wore one to your wedding.

So stamps went up again. Unbelievable.

I get the forever ones. Who knows how long they're good?

Um... Oh.

Hello?

Wait. What?

A meteor is headed for Earth, just like in that movie?

Uh-oh. Meteor's are coming.

That is a tough pill to swallow. Al, I know that was Max.

Man, I cannot believe you'd pull an out-call on me.

Your own brother-in-law.

Let me just get...

Oh. Hello.

Yeah, I'll tell him. That was Max.

He wants me to tell you a meteor is headed for Earth

just like in that other movie.

What? We gotta... Brad.

All, what are we doing getting out-calls, huh?

We're like brother and sister.

We should be able to talk about anything.

I know.

Are hip-hop and rap the same thing?

Yes.

Got it.

Hey, the craziest thing happened yesterday.

So I'm coming out of my office, and I run into Rick.

Who's Rick? Your therapist. Anyway...

Told me to call him Richard. Oh. He told me to call him Rick.

So socially, he prefers Rick Rickman?

I don't know. Who cares? I care.

Richard Rickman is the name of a therapist.

Rick Rickman will sell you a used Grand Cherokee.

Okay, whatever. Rick asked me out.

So I guess I was wondering if that would be weird for you.

Well, it wasn't weird before, but it's certainly weird now.

I can't believe it he asked me for your number.

I don't get back to him, he tracks you at your office?

You think he tracked me down?

Come to think of it, he did ask me

some pretty strange questions in our last session.

You've been talking a lot about your mother today.

And it makes me wonder, where does Penny work?

And what bus line is that on?

Yeah, he's stalking you. Oh, my God.

That is so flattering.

What do you wear to a stalking? Stockings?

No, that's too on-the-nose.

Max.

Max, I gotta talk to you about something.

Max... Oh!

What do you think?

Yeah... Works for you, man.

I know, right? Totally gonna win that sweater.

What did you wanna talk to me about?

Oh, Penny's gonna go out with my shrink.

That's weird, right?

David, nothing is weird.

I've dated bailiffs, monks, jockeys.

My personal best is a butcher, a baker and a candlestick maker.

And, yes, we were all in one tub.

Tell me it wasn't our tub.

Look, Dave, if you think it's weird

that Penny is dating your shrink,

tell her you don't want her to date your shrink.

Let's go grab a beer, huh?

You're not really gonna go out in public like that, are you?

Yeah, this is nothing compared to what I threw at Jane.

This is the biggest event we have ever attempted.

But I think if we bring on three corporate sponsors,

we could offset the total cost of the event.

Now, I've already gone out to...

Oh. Sorry.

Hello? What?

A meteor? Excuse me.

Thank you for the out-call, boo. No problem, boo.

So how was your lunch with Alex? It was fine.

Fine? Fine is not good enough.

Brad, it is important to me

that you guys have a real relationship.

You need to work at this.

I gotta go.

"Fine"?

Why didn't I just say "great"?

"Hey, how was lunch with Alex?" Great. Is that so damn hard?

Awesome, Brad. Okay. Thanks.

Wow, sounds like you two are really starting to bond.

Actually, we're not.

But Jane's been harassing me and Brad about it.

So we're gonna trick her into thinking we're bonding.

It should be easy to fool her

'cause I'm super easy to fool and we're sisters.

In hindsight, I may have dodged a bullet.

We're gonna tell Jane that we had an amazing lunch.

But, actually, we're not gonna meet at all.

So you're gonna lie to Jane, and not get any closer to Brad.

It sounds like a great plan. It's better than your plan.

Pretending to hang out when clearly

you're waiting for Penny to get home from her date.

That is not what I am doing.

I came here to get my vase.

That's mine. Then where did I put mine?

Oh. Hey. Hi.

Hey. What are you doing here? Nothing.

Waiting for you. Oh, come on.

I thought you said you were cool with me dating Rick.

Yeah, one of my best friends

dating the guy that knows all of my secrets.

Yeah, it's totally cool. Cool.

Not cool, Pen. What if he talks about me?

We spent four hours together. You didn't come up once.

Really? Not even one time? He didn't...?

Pen, this is getting weird. Stop dating him.

No. No, no, no. You know what? No. Okay?

It'd be one thing if you asked, but you're telling me.

If I learned anything from Roz and the feelings dolls,

it is that I need to be less intimidated,

more assertive.

I'm gonna date Rick Rickman whether you like it or not.

Fine. Fine. Date Rick Rickman. Fine.

I will. Fine.

Seriously, am I the only one

that thinks the name Rick Rickman is insane?

Well, it's a lot better than Dick Dickman.

No, you can't change the last name to...

Forget it. I did dodge a bullet.

Yeah.

Hey, listen, babe, I'm ducking into a meeting.

I've gotta call you back in, uh, about 110 minutes.

Okay.

Alex?

Brad? What are you doing here? Hey.

You love rom-come. I knew it!

What? Wait. What theater is this, huh?

Thought this is a murder, death, sports, explosion film for men.

With full beards and ample chest hair.

Okay, yes. Yes. Yes, I do.

I love rom-come, okay? I love them.

Last year, I told Jane I went to Chicago Comic Con.

But I went to the Rom Com Con. I was there.

Katherine Heigl's panel was incredible.

Here's the chain. Off it.

Yes. Wait. Shouldn't you be at work?

Yeah, but people don't come to my store between 5 and 7.

And sometimes between 10 and 5.

I like your store. Thank you.

I love the previews. Oh, me too.

Hey, I brought my own Junior Mints.

I bring my own snacks, too.

Whoa. Oh, yeah.

It's so stinky. You know it.

Seriously, that really stinks. I know.

You look like Jamiroquai before Labor Day.

Well, you look like Carol Brady

right before she was arrested for molesting Bobby.

Oh, it's been 24 hours. This could go on forever.

We're too good. We gotta stop this.

What's the one thing we can't resist looking hot for?

911. What is the emergency?

Hello, yes. I would like to report a fire.

Yes!

And that's how I almost accidentally married

my best friend's fiancé.

You are on fire tonight. Oh, thank you.

No, you're literally on fire.

She's so nervous.

Girl can't even tell she's on fire.

Oh, thank you. I'm just a little nervous.

Oh, well, I could have told you that

the moment you ordered the market salad.

Really? You can tell all that from my order?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. See that guy?

Seafood risotto. "Mommy doesn't love me."

Okay, wait. Let me try. Let me try.

Okay, see that woman eating lava cake?

Touchy uncle.

He didn't molest her. He's just very easily offended.

Garlic bread.

Compulsive gambler compensating for two failed marriages,

and a stalled career as a memoirist.

You got all that from garlic bread?

Oh, yeah, yeah, and he's my patient.

So mum's the word that puts him into a trance.

Penny?

Dr. Rickman?

What a surprise. Dave?

How rude of me. Let me introduce my date.

Dr. Roz Liebowitz.

I came as soon as I could. Are you all right?

Yes, I am fine. What are you doing here?

Well, you date my therapist, I date yours.

It's the old switcheroo.

We're into each other, aren't we, baby?

Watch it. If Herb Liebowitz

had not just had double hip replacement

and wasn't afraid to drive at night,

he would come into the city and kick your ass.

What is going on here? He interrupted me mid-session.

And now I have a 10-year-old waiting in my Grand Cherokee.

Fantastic car. Aha.

Penny, David said you were having an emergency.

Does it look like I'm having an emergency?

Well, your other sleeve's on fire.

Damn it! Why does this keep happening?

You're gonna break. Not before you.

I know you have a Chicago firemen calendar.

Oh, do you? Uh-huh.

Well, I happen to know that you have a...

secret Chicago firemen's calendar.

You're single.

None will date you when they see you in that.

Well, you're married. None of them can see your legs.

And I know how much you need outside validation.

I need a lot of validation.

Okay, we each get to take off one thing.

Fine. We do it at the same time. Fine.

Fine. One, two, three. One, two, three.

How do I look? Way worse without that hat.

Really? Fine. Uh-hm.

Well, you look topless, but your nurples fell off.

Let's take off one more thing.

One more thing.

That's all this was?

You were using me to prove a point?

At first, but that was before I got to know you.

Wait! Sorry, dude.

That's the way it's gotta be.

Why couldn't he just tell her the truth before, on the bridge?

He couldn't.

She bought him the train set from his childhood.

No, homey. That don't sit right with me.

They'll never get together. Don't say that.

That's why you brought me here? To prove a point?

At first, but then something magical happen...

No, that's why I brought you here.

Oh, my God.

Penny, let me handle this.

David, walk with me. Gladly.

Feel free to start. Don't worry.

I'll just pick.

Where's the fire? Right here, boys.

Jane, I thought we agreed to say "in our pants."

The fire is in our pants. What?

The fire is in our pants.

We are done! You are the most unprofessional therapist ever.

I'll tell you something else. I ain't paying for those two 20-minute phone calls.

Those were legit sessions.

You called me, crying.

Therapy's a two-way street! No, it's not!

Look, I think we both know who you're upset with.

No, you look, Rick Rickman.

You don't tell me who I'm upset with.

Wait a minute. Who am I upset with?

Yourself. You clearly have unresolved feelings for Penny,

which is why you get upset if she dates other men.

That is rich, Rick, okay?

No, I'm upset because my friend is dating my shrink.

And if you think otherwise, you're crazy.

I'm crazy? I'm crazy? Okay.

Well, tell that to the American Psychiatric Association.

Actually, don't, seriously, tell them that

because they've had their eye on me.

I'm trying to lay low.

Whoa, that looks really intense.

I gotta get Dave out of here.

Interesting. So you'd prefer to "leave"

with your "platonic" friend, rather than stay

with the eligible "man" you're on a date with?

Well, I wouldn't prefer it, but Dave is really upset.

Why are you putting air quotes around "platonic, leaving, man"?

Well, I'm just saying

you have unresolved feelings for David.

What? That's crazy.

Is it? I need a doggie bag.

Mm. Am I paying for this?

Nicki, I don't know why I've been looking everywhere

when what I wanted all along was right in front of me.

I'll rip up the whole article. Just say the word.

Nick, the only word I wanna say is...

Yes!

Oh. It's so beautiful.

I'm sorry I was such a jerk before.

It's totally cool with me

if you wanna keep dating Rick Rickman.

Why do you keep using his full name?

I don't know. I can't stop.

I'm sorry I went out with him

even though I knew it bugged you.

No, it doesn't. Thanks, but it's okay.

Hey, Rick says if you like pizza,

it means you're battling sexual dysfunction.

Everybody likes pizza.

Every single person. Mmm?

Oh, that was the best.

I love how Nick and Nicki didn't realize

they were meant for each other

till the very end. I know.

And how romantic was that fountain?

So romantic!

I wish those things would happen to me.

Oh, my God. I would die. I would die.

I am sorry. These date shoes are killing me.

You seemed pretty freaked talking to Rick.

What did he say to you?

Nothing important.

How about Roz? What'd she say to you?

Not much.

You know shrinks. They're all crazy.

Yeah, completely bonkers. Cuckoo.

Going in the water. Stop. Stop.

We're so ridiculous.

To think, all that from a stupid sweater.

I mean, clearly there's only one mature way to solve this.

Burn that bitch.

Oh, man.

I'll get the fire extinguisher. Yeah.

Oh.

Here's my sweater. No, no.

I think that's my sweater. I left it here.

It was on my chair in my home.

I purposely put it on that chair so that I...

That is my sweater!

Give me my sweater.