Original subtitles

Mm. Eggnog is delish.

Dairy and liquor are one of those underrated combinations.

Kind of like Garry Marshall and Hector Elizondo.

They may be coming for Julia Roberts and Annie Hathaway

but they're staying for Elizondo.

I am gonna miss this.

I am so bummed that Brad and I

are gonna be gone for Christmas.

Yeah, it's gonna be horrible.

Me and Jane alone on the beaches of Turks and Caicos all day.

Pooh. All those drinks

and those massages and those vacation friends

that we'll end up being closer with than you guys long-term.

Oh, no, Jane.

The temperature just dipped to 88 in Turks and 87 in Caicos.

Uh-oh. Oh. Should we still go?

Uh... Yeah.

More like Jerks and Bac-Os.

Bacon substitute, remember? And you guys are jerks, so.

Ha. It's not great.

So does everyone know what they're gonna get me?

Tell us what you want. Save yourself some disappointment.

I'd rather be surprised by disappointment

than happy with what I expected. I never ask if a pool is heated.

Mm. Speaking of gifts, Max,

since tonight is the first night of "C-c-chanukah,"

we have your "C-c-chanukah" gift.

While I appreciate you using the appropriate pronunciation,

I grant you permission

to use the more common "Chanukah."

while you're at it, don't start every conversation with my dad

by saying, "Can I aks you a question?"

Okay. well, here is the greatest gift of all.

Are these the Glengarry leads?

No, those are for closers, you child.

That is the number to the best housekeeper in the world, Gita.

No. You can't let Max near Gita. What?

She is amazing.

The Polish Mr. Clean, Mama Giadki,

is based on Gita. She even taught us the song.

Don't worry. I won't let Max screw this up.

Our apartment is in some serious need

of some zgrabny. Thank you.

I'm running a charity drive for Midwestern Bank

and my Santa canceled. He's having a hip replacement.

Easter Bunny would play through that pain.

The event is tomorrow. Where am I gonna find a Santa?

You go down to the DMV. Then you go behind the DMV.

You find the smelliest guy there, Leslie.

Leslie will introduce you to some randos

who will do anything for anything.

Well, it's not just for anything.

It's 500 bucks. I'll do it.

No questions asked.

Really, you wanna play Santa?

You hate holidays, and you hate kids.

But I love making extravagant promises

that I don't have to fulfill.

Plus, Penny, I really need the cash.

My limo business has hit a few "sh-nagsh."

What?

Why?

Damn it. They got the spare?

Come on, Pen. I would be an awesome Santa.

I have a giant lap, and I look amazing in a chunky belt.

You look okay in a chunky belt.

Tell her how good I look in a chunky belt.

Look chunky in a chunky belt. Guys, guys, it's Christmas.

Must we have this argument "agayn" and "agayn"?

I'm sorry. I look great in a chunky belt.

Cheers. Come on now. Cheers.

Cheers.

Alrighty.

Hey, babe, I'm back. I...

What's happening? Do you need help or...?

No, I'm good. You got it?

Yeah, I am good.

Sweating a bit.

I invite you to admire

the first annual Christmas hub tub.

Ooh. The hub tub

turns pesky holiday organization into an art form.

Recipes, tips, gifts,

petty cash,

and everything that we need for our tropical vay-cay-cay.

Don't say "vay-cay-cay." Okay-kay?

I even alarmed it. Mm.

Oh, God. That works.

Hey, check it out. I got the casheesh for our trip.

Two grand in my hand.

Awesome. I'll slip that in my old hub tub.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yep.

I love indecent Proposaling with you.

Max, gotta say, you're kind of rocking the Santa suit.

Yep, yep. This is gonna be the easiest gig ever.

I get 500 bucks to sit in a chair,

put up with greedy kids telling me what toys they want

and, bonus,

the Santa suit really does show off my Max ass.

Doesn't it, little one? What more do you need?

And get a hot load of the jiggle belly.

No, that I like. Ha-ha-ha. Yeah. Who doesn't?

Yeah. I'll just turn it off. Ooh.

It's not really turning off.

It's... It's hot.

The motor is really heating up,

and it's a very focused burn

that is... Ow. Ow.

Ow, ow, ow.

So, Al, you're really going with the coupon books

that no one wants again this year?

The gift that keeps on disappointing.

People love my coupon books.

Who wouldn't want a free basic haircut and bang trim?

Or how about a nibble your name

into a cob of corn? Who wants that?

You know you want it. Pick a font, baby. Don't be shy.

I do not want that. Helvetica.

The reason you make these coupons

is because nobody's ever gonna cash them in.

I remember one year you gave me one

for a free indoor beach party. What was that?

It would have been fun.

Admit it. It's an empty gesture,

like an e-card or a formal apology

after an anti-Semitic rant.

They are not empty gestures, okay?

I would love for people to cash in my coupons.

I am gonna cash in every single coupon you've ever given me.

Nothing would make me happier. Best Christmas ever.

Good. Awesome.

Ow, ow, ow. It's burning.

I can't turn it off. The remote won't work.

Remote is broken. It won't turn off.

Max. Ooh! t's burning.

Thank you.

So, what is everyone talking about?

Babe, don't dirty up the place for Gita's benefit.

If it's too clean, she won't feel needed.

You want her to feel needed,

give her more than $100 for her Christmas bonus.

It's double two weeks' pay.

No, that's how much an engagement ring costs.

No, that's two months' pay.

You're damn right it is. Just checking.

Seriously, babe, we gotta give her 300.

I mean, she knows about the drawer.

Okay, 200, but anything more than that,

she's gonna feel uncomfortable.

Discovering that drawer is what made her uncomfortable.

Oh, hello, Miss Jane, Mr. Brad.

Merry Christmas, Gita.

We have a special present for you.

Oh, Miss Jane, Mr. Brad. Oh.

I don't deserve this.

Of course you do. You are the best.

How can I ever thank you?

You thank us by enjoying it.

Oh, boy.

Uh... No. I cannot accept this.

Well, we tried.

We know that it's excessive, but you deserve it.

Oh.

Oh, I am going to go call my sisters

and tell them that you are good people.

What?

See? Two hundred, more than enough.

Know what else is more than enough? Two thousand.

You just gave her our trip money. Hah!

That is impossible. No.

I can show you right in...

Yeah. I have it right here

in the envelope labeled Tr... Gita.

Ho, ho, ho, Santa is back from his third break,

and he's ready to see if you've been naughty or nice.

All right. What are you having?

I want an iPhone.

You got it. Next.

Max, you gotta put a little more into it.

Channel the Christmas spirit.

At least channel the spirit of somebody

putting the smallest effort into anything.

Gotcha.

Let's go.

All right. Smile with Santa.

Oh, what, Santa can't burp?

This is the first time

I've seen Oliver laugh in a long time.

Well, he should get out more.

I've been sick a lot, but now I'm fine.

The thing that helped me in the hospital

was knowing Christmas was coming

and you, Santa.

Well, heh.

Well, uh... What do you want for Christmas?

Nothing. I'm just happy to be healthy.

There's gotta be something you want.

Well, my mom's car just got stolen

so I guess if I wanted anything,

it would be to forgive the bad men who did it.

Well, you're getting a bike.

Next.

Please tell me you got the money back for our trip.

I couldn't do it.

She had nieces. Singing nieces. Wha...?

Is that not so precious? Yeah.

They have been practicing all day for you.

Oh.

So, what did you want to talk to me about?

Uh... I just wanted to give you this.

What? More?

Yeah, more.

Nephews, get down here.

Okay, clearly you're in over your head.

This is all your fault... This is not my fault.

How is this not? You gave Gita so much money

while I did nothing. Exactly.

Once again, you did nothing. What?

All right. I'm gonna get the money back from Gita,

and you're gonna go to the drawer

and think of ways to make this up to me.

I have so many ideas.

You know, this "dinner and a DJ" coupon

might be the best one yet.

DJ Alex Haley on the, whoo-whoo-whoo,

ones and twos. Alex Haley?

I used to be obsessed with Hailey's Comet.

So it has nothing to do with Alex Haley, the author of Roots?

She was a DJ?

I was in high demand in college.

All the black fraternities hired me.

Sight unseen. You know what? Just crank it up.

Wait for it. Let the beat drop.

Boom! There it is!

You know it!

Pen, something happened at Santa's Village today,

and it's kind of hard to talk about.

I probably shouldn't even tell you.

You can talk to me about anything.

Well, there was this really cute kid who climbed into my lap.

He was, like, wiggling around and whispering in my ear.

And I felt something. Can't talk to me about anything.

Pen, the kid touched me. You're gonna blame the kid?

What?

No. Ew!

Penny, I open up to you, and that's where your mind goes?

Come on. No. He was a sick kid, and I made him happy.

That's awesome, and a relief.

Hey, kids love Santa.

You are not a terrible person after all.

Sweet. This is the only store in Chicago

that sells the porn I like.

It's called Bloody Guys. Oh, Max.

It's British guys covered in blood. Heh-heh.

Think I'm gonna wait outside, thanks.

Lady, give me your purse. What?

"Lady"? I'm 30, okay?

That's basically mid to late 20s.

They only have regular gay porn. I can't deal with the mustaches.

Hey. I'm Max.

He's a little young for you. He's mugging me.

Oh, hey... Actually, I'm not.

I can't steal in front of Santa.

Oh, my God. Well, you're welcome.

And I wouldn't turn your nose up at dating a mugger.

They're entrepreneurs. They make their own hours.

They go for what they want, they take it.

Okay, Max. That was really cool. I mean,

you changed that kid's heart and mind.

I don't know.

I mean, you are a vessel for holiday spirit.

As long as you're wearing that suit, you can spread it.

Is there a world in which I don't have to?

Max, I think you could do a lot of good as Santa.

I'll keep my eyes peeled for opportunity.

No. Stop! They'll be pretty obvious.

Excuse me, Santa. Excuse me?

Guys, people could be sleeping. Residential.

What are you gonna say to Gita? I don't want her to hate us.

I think I can handle getting our cash back

from a sweet housekeeper, okay?

Hi.

Oh, my Christmas angels.

Mr. Max just leave for his Santa job.

Between you and me,

I don't think he should be Santa.

He has many drawers. Sinful drawers.

Yes. well, Gita,

we actually wanted to talk to you about some...

I also want to talk to you, my angels.

My sisters say to me,

"Gita, you never do anything nice for yourself."

They say, "Use the angel money to go on a vacation."

well, work hard, play hard.

Anyway, I... Then I remembered

all of the brochures around your place

for the Caicos and Turks, ha-ha,

so I'm going.

You don't wanna do that. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. You're right.

I should invest the money in making bigger my cans.

I'm sorry? They have been ravaged

by so many years of breast-feeding my sisters.

I have not been with a man in so long.

Well, I must go back to work, huh?

Okay, thank you again, my Christmas angels.

Thanks for leaving us with that visual. Ha-ha. Right.

You handled that flawlessly.

All you had to deal with was singing nieces.

Am I to tell a woman she can't make bigger her cans?

You know what? whatever, Jane. This is all your fault.

I guess we're gonna stay home for Christmas.

Start the car! Why are you running like that?

It's how I run.

Next.

Come here, you little booger.

What do you want for Christmas?

I want my parents to get back together.

Yeah, well, that's not really in my jurisdiction.

What Santa can tell you

is that there is a bright side. Two Christmases, two birthdays.

When your parents date, you'll get what you want.

The friend will want you to like them.

My mom is already dating.

That's Gary.

He has a bad back.

Yeah. He looks like he probably has gout too.

Does he eat a lot of fish?

Yeah, I bet. Hey, Gar.

Why don't you take five from feeling up this kid's mom

and throwing salmon down your throat,

buy him a go-cart or something?

Of course. Whatever he wants.

Thanks, Santa. I love you.

I love you too, you little freak gingey.

Alex, it's enough that you maximized my closet space.

You don't have to do all this by yourself.

I'm gonna show you that my coupons

are not empty gestures.

Okay? Okay.

It is so nice

that you all came out to support me

and kind of see me in my element.

Well, actually, we came

to donate some clothes and see Max cry.

- Well, what else is going on? - Aah!

Oh, not much. Hey, guys.

Wow. You really are crying. I don't know what's happening.

You've done a great job.

Here's your casheesh. You earned it.

I'd like to say I would take this money

to go get the boots off my limo, but I'm not.

I'm gonna go donate this to poor people.

Which means I volunteered my time.

I'm worried about you. I'm worried about me.

I cannot believe Max is a better person than you.

Brad, I feel terrible, but this is not my fault.

I panicked, and you know when I panic, I steal.

And that is wrong. But I'm gonna make this right.

Oh, my God. It's Gita.

Deny till you die. Right.

That's him. Santa stole my money.

What? I didn't take anybody's money.

That's it there in my angel envelope.

Oh, it's a joke. Borat.

Nice. Ha-ha-ha. Very nice.

I take the money.

Come with me, son. What?

No! I didn't take any money.

I'm a Jew. This is a hate crime. It's a hate crime.

Jane gave me Gita's number in an envelope.

I didn't take anybody's money. Yes, you did.

I had that in your apartment.

You're the only one who could take it.

You are as careless with your morals

as you are with your underpants.

You are a liar.

Wait. There's only 500 in here.

He spent it. No doubt on sugar cereals.

No. Five hundred dollars, that's his Santa pay.

He was moved by the holiday spirit

and he was gonna donate it.

Okay. I have to tell the truth.

Max did not steal the money.

Thank you.

Brad did. What?

I know. What?

Good enough for me. Case closed.

- Are you for real, dog? - Yep.

Jane! I'll wait for you.

Jane! Okay, stop. I did it.

I accidentally gave Gita

our vacation cash instead of her bonus

and then I stole it back.

I'm sorry.

Why didn't you just tell me? I would have understood.

I'm sorry, Gita.

Here's your real Christmas bonus.

It's $200.

Oh. Thank you.

Wait a second.

You only tip your housekeeper $200 for Christmas?

I told you.

Two hundred plus...

a trip to Turks and Caicos. Oh, my God!

What? Thank you, my angel!

Thank you, angel! Oh. Uh-huh.

I must go call my sisters.

That's kind of excessive. I was thinking more like 250.

Oh! Hold on. Hold on.

So you were ready to lead me away

based on nothing

but Gwyneth Paltrow over here confesses,

and she gets to sort it out by talking?

I don't make the rules. Okay.

We seem to have a situation at the donations bin.

Help!

Merry Christmas.

What are you doing in your bathing suit?

Merry Christmas!

It's your indoor beach party coupon.

Wow, guys. This is crazy.

I helped, because I felt bad

that Brad couldn't have his beach vacation.

Yeah, it's basically the same thing.

Is that... Is that cat poop?

Probably. we brought this in

from the neighbor's backyard sandbox.

That would explain the syringe. Oh.

So, Maxey,

the charity event was a huge success.

We got the most donations even though a lot of kids

were scarred by seeing Santa do a perp walk.

Don't care. Yeah. Really?

Because I think

you sort of enjoyed being Santa.

Ugh. Fine. I'll go upstairs, put on the Santa costume,

come back with presents for everyone. What?

I'll get my guitar, sing the rock songs

I've been writing about Christmas.

Nobody's asking you to.

Then I'll march my tush in the kitchen

and make some soup because I'm just made of time.

We're all set. Donkey kick.

You're blocking my sun. Yep.

I'm sorry I ruined Christmas. It was my fault.

You didn't ruin it, all right?

We can use the tickets next year. And look.

It looks like Gita is having a great time.

"Relaxing on the beach.

Thank you, Miss Jane and Mr. Brad." Aww.

I don't know. Maybe she should have gotten her cans done.

Who is that hot guy she's sitting next to?

Looks like Gita got her groove back.

Yeah.

Oh! Mm. Give me a kiss. Mm.

Wow, I'm impressed.

You actually finished all the coupons.

It wasn't an empty gesture after all.

If I'm gonna be honest,

I didn't mind that people didn't cash them in.

I knew it. But I'm glad that you did.

It's the most time we've spent together since we broke up.

Yeah, it's been pretty cool. So. Yeah.

Oh. This is an old one.

"One free kiss,

even if I've just put on lip gloss."

well, I wouldn't hold you to this guy.

Well, I did agree to do all the coupons.

Yep. Yeah, you... You kind of did.

Well, it would be a shame if you got this close

and you didn't finish.

Total shame.

These sandcastles look like boobs.

Well, that's done. Yeah.

Ho-ho-ho!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

That's my laundry!

Get in there.

No.

I grabbed whatever stuff I could find.

And these are Penny's delicates. No!

Yeah. Ho-ho-ho!

Give me those!

Grab a pair of undies! No!

Grab a pair of bras!

Oh, my God. That's amazing.

Wouldn't believe it unless I saw it.

It's incredible.

Astounding.

I don't know whether to laugh or to cry.

Ooh!

Ahh.

Perfect Helvetica.

Ohh! Aah!

Happy holidays

from Happy Endings!