Original subtitles

I can't find anything to wear.

I think I finally understand

why you don't have a second car.

It's not all Jane's fault.

I mean, my smoothie budget is out of control.

Daddy don't do domestic papaya. Splash.

I think I got it. What could you have up there

that you haven't tried on?

You'll see. Okay, you're a crazy lady.

Oh, my God.

You're gonna wear your wedding dress

to a charity event? Yeah, maybe.

I don't understand what you're raising money for.

Animals For Change? Trying to genetically modify animals?

Ooh, I want a teacup rhino.

Animals For Change helps protect endangered species.

Except pandas. They have plenty of money.

They are the breast cancer of animal charities.

Someone else will be crafting opening remarks?

Oh, you guys, what am I gonna wear?

This event is stressing me out.

Jane, let me make you a dress.

I've been taking fashion design classes online.

Are you guys familiar with Tim Gunn? Yeah.

Sure. Huge fan.

It's run by his step-second cousin

Nick Gun, with one N.

Tim blocked him from using "make it work,"

but he don't own "figure it out."

It's okay. I think I'm gonna buy something.

Yo, son, ready to take this rock to the hole?

What's up, son? We going street on this, son.

I swam as a kid.

Max, why so much side boob? Talk to me.

He wants you to notice his new tattoo.

Oh, another tattoo, huh?

You really don't wanna be buried in a Jewish cemetery.

Tacos Mi Corazon was having a special offer.

Get free tacos for life if you get a tattoo of their logo.

You don't wanna be buried in a Mexican cemetery either.

The joke is on you, because my corpse will be unrecognizable.

Only you would spend hundreds of dollars on a tattoo

just to get a free 99-cent food item.

Well, it also affords me the ability

to threaten to get food on your clothes every day.

Oh, no, I won't. I couldn't.

But I could. But I wouldn't.

But I shouldn't. But I should. But I shouldn't. But I...

Respect.

Penny, where have you been? I texted you 911 three times.

What is it? Did you push a Q-tip too far in again?

My brother dropped off his kids for the weekend,

so him and his ricotta-selling wife can save their marriage,

which, to quote my best-man speech, "is doomed."

So now I'm stuck with these rug rats

and their garbage hipster names for like three full days.

Hey. Django. Hi, Rope.

Uncle Max didn't mean that. He loves your names.

It's just opposite day, right?

Uh, yeah, it's opposite day. Everything's fiip-flopped.

Yeah. Your dad doesn't have a Facebook profile

under Jeffrey Scrotum.

Come on. What? Penny, I hate kids.

Not the hate that goes away

after misadventures where we grow to love each other.

A blistering hate for them

and their creepy, tiny, little features.

Max, you're in luck.

If there's anything that 15 years

of babysitting has taught me, it's one,

if a dad asks how school's going,

don't bite your lip and say:

"We're not talking about school."

And, two, kids love me.

I'm gonna have these two calling me Aunt Penny

before Jeffrey Scrotum can get to a thousand friends.

So anyway, thank you for understanding

that I just wanna buy my dress for the event.

Yeah, it's totally fine.

I mean, this is my first year running it,

and I wanna make my mark, you know, stand out.

Yes, of course. Look, I'm fine. Come on. Hug it out.

Okay. I can feel you measuring me.

Oh, come on. Give me a chance.

Al, I am sure that you are doing great

at those online Project Runway classes.

Ooh. Legally, we're not allowed to call it that,

so it's Situation Walkspace.

But, Jane, I got so many great dress ideas.

That's always your problem. You have so many ideas

and then you mash them all together

instead of focusing on one.

Look, I can keep the dress simple and elegant.

Please. Please. Please. Oh, hang on. I'm getting a call.

Hello? Jane, it's for you. It's please, please, please.

Fine. Yeah.

Whoa, whoa. No hat? Good note.

You're pureeing.

Now you're whipping. No. Whisking.

You're right between whip and whisk.

You're right between them.

Now you're just chopping, you crazy son of a bitch.

Ha, ha! Damn, you're good. Nine in a row.

Yeah, man. Who's the wild man now?

Can't hear you. Who's the wild man?

- Now he can hear you. - Brad-mamma-jamma.

Drew-crew.

Got those long johns for your long john.

Two-day priority? I love the way you ship, man.

I love the way you deliver.

- Oh, Dave, Drew. Drew, Dave. - Hey.

All right. Yeah, man.

Regulation says I gotta turn this into trash.

Oh, no, you didn't. Oh, yes, I did.

Oh!

At the buzzer.

He makes it from way up top.

This guy can ball.

Stop that. But, yes, he can.

Drew, our buddy's stuck babysitting

so we need a third for our 3-on-3 game. Want in?

Does Frank in 4B need sex doll repair parts?

Uh... Yeah, he does.

Matter of fact, I better get going.

He gets super horny around noon.

But who doesn't, right?

Amen, man.

Is he gonna play or...?

Oh, hey, just to be clear on the metaphor.

Yes, I am playing. All right. Drew-tang clan.

Man, I can't wait to play basketball with that Drewd.

And this is my favorite room in the entire doll museum.

It's all antique dolls.

Wow, Penny. This is where you take kids?

Max, this is where I used to take the kids I babysat.

Sure, it's gotten a little rundown

since Madame LeFlarge got dementia,

but I think the kids are digging it.

I'm scared. Guys, don't be scared, okay?

These dolls are works of art.

"Handcrafted with real human hair and teeth."

Eww.

I'm tired and hungry.

Aunt Penny made us some lunches

and we're gonna go downstairs to this cool museum café

where you guys can eat with the dolls.

I don't wanna see the dolls eat. No way.

They're hugging me. Little hands are all over me.

You said you knew what kids liked.

They're just hungry.

Guys, I made us cantaloupe cut in the shape of dolls.

It was a theme.

Okay, you're fired. I'm taking over. Let's go.

I love you all.

Wilmer, can I get four of your most colorful Jarritos, please?

And let me get a cup of pico de gallo,

extra de gallo on that. Thanks, Wilmer.

Cool. You don't have to pay? Got a taco tattoo, free.

I want a tattoo. Me too.

Cool. Cool. I know a place that does kids.

Max. Fine.

No tattoo until you finish your tacos.

Thanks, Uncle Max. Asked you not to call me that.

You're funny, Uncle Max.

Hey.

I like tacos too. I like tacos too.

Let's hear it forAunt Penny.

I'm awesome!

To be fair, I am their real uncle.

Blood is thicker than annoying.

- Ha! - What's up?

Drew!

You ready to ball it up, son? You know it.

Everything I'm wearing is from the Pau Gasol collection.

I just dumped out, I should be light on my feet.

Ninety percent of the game's balance,

7 percent's focus, 2 percent heart,

2 percent is stretching it out, homes.

You see what I'm saying? Watch this.

Right on, man.

Yeah. That's the stuff.

All right, I think this dude is the perfect guy

to N1 with us, fool.

Do you even know what N1 is? It's a rap group.

I know my hip-hop, son.

Here we go. Check ball.

Ball in. Check ball.

Check ball. I just said that.

Ready to do this, bitch boy?

Aw! Come on, man. Bring it.

Come on, man. Come on. Aah! Yeah. Foul.

On who? You.

Everybody saw it, man. Don't play.

It's just a game. Check it.

Yeah. All right. Here we go.

It's Drew time. You ready for this?

I don't think so. Aah!

Get out... Get out of my way.

You shut up. Shut up. Oh, come on.

Ooh, hoo, hoo! Huh? How you like my sweat, homeboy?

I got weird glands. I can't turn it off.

I can't turn it off. Oh!

Hey, pull your pants up, weirdo.

I'm open. I'm open. I'm open. Yes!

Come on! Foul. Man, that is ridiculous.

You are T'd up. You are T'd up. Get out.

Oh!

Gotta stay warm. Gotta stay loose.

What are you looking at?

Come on, Jane. Let's see it.

Well? It's beautiful.

I mean, it's... It's clean,

it's elegant, it's not poking me.

I mean, it's everything I wanted for my event.

Well, I took your advice. I focused and I kept it simple.

I mean, I love it.

I am so glad

because I thought I was gonna be dealing with a real mess

like a bedsheet with secret pockets

and Velcro with no corresponding Velcro, maybe a...

We can just go with "I love it."

I do. I love it.

Great game, guys. Ow!

Let's go rip some beers.

I know a bar just a few blocks away.

Takes coins, so stop at a Laundromat.

Hey, I got a thing, man.

Sounds real. I respect that.

I'm probably gonna go home and watch some TV.

Ah, yes, I hear you, loud and clear.

I said I had a thing, man. I was in the clear.

Yeah, Like I was gonna let you leave me alone with him

while he "showers up" at my place.

Hey, Brad. Thanks again, man,

for letting me borrow your loofah.

Guys, gotta get over here.

There's a great episode of The Man Show on.

We gotta get him out of here.

Yo, Drew, listen, man...

Uh, you know what?

I already know what you're gonna say,

and I'm sorry.

I got a little wild this afternoon.

You know, I run hot. What can I tell you?

I play to win, even though we lost.

Yeah. It's cool, man.

Don't worry about it. Yeah.

Really? All right, good,

because I got three sweet seats to the Bears game tomorrow

and I'm two bros short.

What do you say, bros? Uh...

Close to the action.

All right. We wouldn't wanna waste those.

For real? That's what I'm talking about.

Hey. Hey, Pen. What's up?

I was in the neighb. I thought I'd come take the kids.

Oh, you know what? We're cool.

This whole "taking care of kids" business

is way easier than I thought.

Yeah, TV really is nature's babysitter.

Yeah. You can't just plop the kids in front of a TV

and it's okay because you didn't know.

But kids need to be active. Seriously? Come on.

They were doing okay.

Eventually, they'll get bored of this.

I'll tag you on out.

I'm good. Ain't no thang. Get out.

It's a thang. I can't leave... Pass me the baton, Max.

I need them to love me.

I'm Princess Penny

from the palace of Chicago.

Huh?

Who's ready for a heated link here, huh? Anybody?

They're good. Knock, knock.

Try it, man. It's delicious.

Come on, big man. Give it a shot. Come on, man.

All right. Brad, how you like that baked ziti?

Mm-hm! I call it trunk ziti

because the trunk bakes it.

Better pound these beers and get in there.

Game's about to start. No way.

You got tickets to the game?

Yeah. Your tickets, the ones you got for us.

Oh, no, no. I said I had seats close to the action, and we do.

We're gonna be watching the game from the 50-yard line

of Billy's flattie. Yo, Billy.

Uh... What?

My seats aren't good enough for you guys?

No, it's just... I have a thing.

He had a thing yesterday and now you have a thing?

No way two different guys have two different things

two days in a row.

Bro, we just thought...

You just thought you were better than me, huh, Mr. Rich Man?

Getting two-day shipping,

like you don't have a care in the world.

I do ground sometimes.

I think there's been some kind of misunderstanding.

Yeah, you misunderstood how powerful I am, gigolo.

What? Gigolo?

I know everything about both of you.

Socials, credit card numbers...

Wait a minute. How do you know about my stuff?

Because I'm a mailman.

And I know your mailman.

His name's Robin.

And we're close.

Billy. Kickoff time. Yes.

Yeah. Yeah.

What's up, Billy? Hey, Billy. You look racist.

Hmm.

Good morning, Kate. Welcome to Animals For Change.

You are a hippo.

Kate's a hippo.

Okay, next year, no tables named after animals.

Jane.

Don't you look smart. I love your dress.

Thank you, Mary. My sister made it.

She's an up-and-coming designer, and this dress, one of a kind.

Oh, really? One of a kind?

Yeah, completely original.

My sister's quite the talent.

Your sister's J. Crew?

Oh, my God. Oh, same color. Okay.

My sister is J. Crew.

Hi. I'm Beyoncé,

and I'm having a baby.

Yo. Huh, huh, huh.

It's your boy, Jay-Z.

Holla back. Holla back for Babe-Z.

Holla back.

Holla back. Guys, holla... Who's hollering b...?

Hey. What's going on? Oh, we're playing Diner.

Right now they're making me a ham and cheese sandwich.

I get to be manager.

Hey, hey, hey. Give me that knife and like me more.

Pen, if there's anything the last 36 hours

of babysitting has taught me,

it's that kids like to be treated like adults.

Hey, Rope, when I said surprise me,

I didn't mean by bringing me a terrible sandwich.

We love you, Uncle Max.

See you again. Hey.

Hey, Al.

I got so many comments on this dress.

Really? Yeah.

Most of them were I can't believe

we're all wearing the same dress.

Okay. I'm busted.

Did I ruin the event for you?

No. Accidentally seating five plus-size women

at the hippo table ruined the event.

Apparently, all my large donors are large donors, so...

Why did you lie?

Because I wanted to show you I could make a simple

and elegant dress and it turned out horrible.

I'm sure it's not that bad. Show it to me.

Okay.

Here it is.

Garbage. Wow.

You know what? No. I'm sorry.

When you really look at it,

it is actually worse than garbage.

That is horrible.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's...

I don't know what I was thinking.

I stapled on five feathers. Why feathers?

Why staples?

I should just throw it out.

Clearly, I am not good enough.

Alex, wait.

Give me the dress. I want it.

Why?

Because you are gonna get better at this.

Okay? You're gonna figure it out.

And one day, people are gonna be fighting

over an Alex Kerkovich original, and I want the first one.

Do you have a lint roller? Because there's little...

No. That's supposed to be there.

Oh, it's not sticking back on.

Stapler.

It's gonna be fine.

He's never gonna know it was us.

We'll just find his supervisor,

tell him one of his employees is abusing postal data

and terrorizing customers.

Right. Also, I wanna buy Karl Malden Forever stamps.

Of course. We'll make time for that.

Yes. Excuse me.

I need to speak to somebody about my mailman Drew.

Crazy, right? Totally insane.

I can't believe he's dead.

What now?

He was delivering a package out at the zoo,

thought one of the polar bears was big-timing him.

He got in the polar bear's face

and the polar bear proceeded to maul him

about the chest and buttocks.

I'm sorry. Were you friends of his?

Because we were trying to put together a memorial for him

but none of us really knew him.

Nope. I got a thing.

What does it say about us that we're not devastated

that this guy we've been hanging out with is now just gone?

What does it say about Drew

that neither one of us was surprised

that he taunted a bear into a murderous rage?

Yeah.

Poor guy didn't have a friend to throw a memorial for him.

He did take us to a Bears game. No, he didn't.

Well, you know what we gotta do.

Find 40 pounds of seal meat,

lace it with ketamine, find that bear,

knock it out, steal its baby.

I like it. Psychological warfare.

But first, we gotta throw a memorial

for a guy we barely even know. Yeah.

And then we do the seal meat thing.

You know it. N1, son.

N1.

I'll get you inside.

No, we're great. They're great.

Everybody's great.

Django, more coffee.

Yeah, take your time, bro.

Enjoy that ricotta, know what I'm saying?

Okay, love you too, man.

Django, seriously, more coffee.

Uncle Max, I don't wanna play Diner anymore.

Me neither. We're bored.

I wanna do something fun.

We've already played Diner, Maid, Car Wash,

Dog-Kidnapper-and-Bring-Her - Backer-For-a-$50-Rewarder.

I don't know what else to do with you.

I can't find my tie. My tie.

Django, come on, man. You gotta stay out of my closet.

I'm off to Drew's memorial.

You guys wanna see a dead body?

Yeah. Yeah.

Drew was a man,

a mailman, who lived life...

on Earth,

Chicago, right here.

Every day. Every day.

He delivered mail.

Help me out, Dave.

Everybody that knew Drew knows that he was a man

that really enjoyed heating food with his car,

Mm. And yelling.

Drew loved to play basketball.

I can't believe you wore my dress.

I wanted to show you how proud I am,

and I do not care what anyone in here thinks of me.

Could've stopped at "I'm so proud of you."

I am.

Thank you. Whoa. Oh. Okay.

A few too many staples. Really. Yeah.

Ugh. Would you look at that.

Bringing kids to a memorial service at a bar?

Why didn't I think of that?

You said there'd be a dead body.

There is. Right there.

What do you mean? Well, they took the body

and they burned it for hours,

then they burned it some more, stuck it in there.

Is he in heaven now? Who knows?

Then what happens when you die?

I think you just go away,

like the light turns off.

So you're just gone?

Yeah, you're just gone.

Nothing else? Nothing else.

You know how there's people that will remember you forever?

They die too.

What are you doing?

I thought you said you wanted to be treated like adults.

Penny!

And so, of course, there's a heaven.

And the clouds are made of candy,

and you can eat free tacos even if you never got a tattoo, which you shouldn't.

If you must, don't go lower back.

They're very hard to remove.

And everyone is happy all the time.

It doesn't even matter,

because by the time you guys are that old,

they will have invented magical robots to help us live forever.

Really? But heaven sounds fun.

I wanna die. Me too.

How we gonna do it?

No, no, no. Reverse. Reverse. Back...

Hey, how we doing here? Great. Thanks, Aunt Penny.

You're the best, Aunt Penny.

Aunt Penny.

Actually, can we not? "Aunt Penny" makes me sound old.

Yeah, she doesn't need any help in that department, huh?

Max, please. Come here, you guys.

We would like to say a final goodbye.

Our time spent with you was not easy.

In fact, it was a little uncomfortable.

But you represented something very, very, very special.

Sorry I'm late. Sorry I'm late.

Are we spreading the ashes of a guy we barely knew?

No. This is the dress Alex made for Jane.

It had to be destroyed. We killed it.

Okay.

You're going to the big walk-in closet in the sky.

Say hi to Nemo's mom for me.

I'm getting some blowback.

It's all in my mouth. Whatever.

Hey, guys.

I got the dress I burned.

- Huh? - Wait.

Why?

- It's all over me! - Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- No! It's all over me! - Oh, my God. It's Drew.

It's Drew. This is Drew?

- Yeah. - Yeah.