Original subtitles

Beer, beer, beer. Pfft, pfft, pfft.

Hey, nerds.

Why is everybody so quiet?

We ran out of things to talk about,

so we were kind of hoping you would come with some news.

Oh. Big news.

I worked my PR magic

and I got Dave and his food truck a spot

on a major live morning show.

Here we go! Wow, Pen.

Are we talking, Good Morning America?

Less national. Ooh, Good Morning Chicago.

Think less morning and less TV and no TV.

A podcast about meat with a guy named Randy.

Crazy Randy's Meat And Greet? I love that guy.

Influential in the meat world.

Which means he's meaningless in the real world.

Angie's gonna be here soon. Nice.

I can't believe we're finally meeting your high school girlfriend.

Don't know what you're excited about.

A ton of people move to Chicago every day.

Why you talking out the side of your mouth?

Why talk out of the front of your mouth?

Are you jealous because Angie dated Max before you?

No. Heh, heh.

Yes, okay? She was the high school girlfriend.

I'm the college girlfriend.

A clash as old as The Clash. I have to hate her.

Jane gets competitive about my exes.

When she found out my High School girlfriend was a magician?

Wait a minute. What is that behind your ear?

Oh, my God. It's a quarter.

You have something right in your...

It's another quarter.

Again. Again.

Promise when Angie gets here, you'll be cool.

Because when I dumped her, it was messy, and I hurt her.

Max, it's us. We're totally cool.

Yeah. Okay. Right.

Don't put your hand out, say, "Five good ones."

Alex, do not tell her why the perfect weapon

is a knife that absorbs blood. But it is.

Do not give her a nickname. Had "Angina" locked and loaded.

When she says, "I've heard about you,"

do not respond, "I hope it's all good things. Heh, heh, heh."

Oh, she's here. I gotta warn you.

I don't know how I'm gonna react, but it could get ugly.

Guys, this is Angie. Hi.

Hey, girlfriend. Get in here, you.

- Look at you. Nice to meet you. - What?

You are cuter than cute. Head to toe, you're a winner.

You're a big star. I'm loving this.

I did not know I was gonna react like that.

Neither did we.

Get on over here.

Oh. Heh-heh.

And join our gang of funsies. Heh, heh.

What are you guys thinking? Oh, the usual. Water births.

What happens to the water after the baby's born?

Bottle it, sell it. A million dollars.

I meant what are you going to order?

Oh, nothing. This place blows.

Hey, B-rad. What's up, girl?

You weren't on IM. No one to make fun of Jensen's eye twitch.

I know. I had a call.

But that thing was out of control, right?

He was like, "Uh, uh, uh. Gross point percentage."

I'm like, "Stop winking, son of a bitch."

Oh, my God.

Let's get coffee later. Okay.

Guys are coming to fish your wedding ring out of my AC unit.

Sweet. Bye.

Fish your wedding ring out of her AC unit?

You dirty whore.

I was just showing Vanessa

the inscription on my wedding ring

and it fell in the vent. I see what's going on here.

I went playground. You went hair band.

Dude, she's not my work wife.

We just joke around in the office.

Hair band was better. It's better.

I stand corrected.

Don't worry. We get the code. This is not a code situation.

Hope Jane doesn't notice you not wearing that wedding ring

or you are donezo.

What? She's not gonna even notice.

Where's your wedding ring?

Damn. You are one hot, skinny little witch.

How did you know that?

It makes a distinct clicking on the doorknob.

I am that good. So where is it? Oh, funny, funny story.

I'm showing your inscription to a coworker of mine, Vanessa,

Yeah.

And it falls right into an AC duct.

I mean, it just drops.

How about that?

Curse you, gravity! Grrr!

That's what I said when it happened. I bet.

I'm gonna get it tomorrow.

Good. So who is, uh...? Who's Vanessa?

Oh, just a friend from work. Mm. Cool.

I'm gonna go change, go to the gym. Yeah.

Get on up there. Yep.

Okay. Should I be worried about this?

No. She's just his work wife.

Just his work wife?

I've no idea what that means.

A work wife is just someone you flirt with at work.

It's totally harmless, totally normal.

I have two work husbands, three work ex-boyfriends,

one work stalker, and one work dog.

You should get a work husband. Really?

Yes. Although, when you flirt, just be careful.

Right. I don't wanna lead him on. Eeks.

No, you're terrible at fiirting.

You do this weird, like... May I? Yeah.

Kind of a weird eye blink

and you shimmy shake, and you're doing your arms,

and then you start asking these insane questions

and it ends up with your fingers in your mouth,

like: "Ah, ah, ah."

Yeah, and that's not sexy. What?

Oh, boy. I should have never went over to Jack's.

All he wanted to do was have sex.

He texted at 11 p.m. What did you think was gonna happen?

I thought maybe he wanted to have a late European dinner.

Al, look how he spelled "cum over."

I thought it was the European spelling.

It's not. Ugh.

Don't guys just ever want to make out?

Try a closeted gay guy.

Every one I've dated has been a great kisser.

Even Max was a good kisser?

Especially Max.

The guy who once found a cricket in his mouth?

What can I say? That gay's got mouth game.

Sounded gross, I meant it as a compliment.

Okay, what do you think of this accent rug

I'm getting Angie as a housewarming gift?

Pen, that's like almost $200. I know.

Thought you hated her. I hate her.

I don't want her to know, so I'm gonna be nice to her

so when she starts to like me, I can hate her even more.

And then you'll bake her a cake.

Yes. And I'll spend hours decorating it. Ha, ha, ha!

Is that your evil laugh? It's not great.

Ugh. Look at her.

I have had just about enough of this one.

Okay, I cannot fake it one more second.

Hey, girlfriend!

Looking hot. I am so stealing this sweater.

Not if I steal yours first.

What are you doing here?

We just ran into each other and decided to have a drink.

Dave is gonna show me around from the steak truck.

Ah. Two of my favorite people hanging out.

Like Mike Myers and Kanye West for Katrina.

- Exactly. - Yeah.

I gotta go. Dave, I'll see you tomorrow.

I'll call. If levees don't break.

Okay. Bye, baby girl.

Bye. DAVE: See you later.

Okay. Bye, bye, bye. See you later.

No. You and Angie, not happening. Why?

Dudes don't date others' ex-girlfriends.

Max, you're gay. So? I... You know what?

I'm invoking the code. Oh, no, he didn't.

No, he didn't just say, "Oh, no, he didn't."

"Yes, he did." "Girl, you lying."

"I ain't lying. It's the code. Shoot."

What? You didn't. You did.

You can't invoke the code. The code doesn't apply.

Code states she is my ex.

You can't have sexual relations. First, you're gay.

I guess you wouldn't mind if I started dating Alex.

Hm?

Good luck with that. Yeah.

Good luck with that? Hey, you just have...

You just have, like, a little...

It's, like, an eyelash or something.

Max, what are you doing? I'm...

Oh, my God. He's kissing her like she has a penis.

Okay, okay.

Doesn't bother you? Still nothing.

Heh. What? Is it a bajillion degrees in here?

Let me sit you down.

My breakup with Angie was hard and I broke her heart,

and I don't wanna see her hurt again.

Right. I don't get it,

but if you don't want me to see her,

I won't see her. Thank you.

Ugh. Why is Angie,

like, trying to destroy our gang, right? What a slut.

Angie's not a slut. We didn't do anything.

What a tease. She's actually cool.

What a bitch.

This work-husband thing is harder than I thought.

All the good ones are taken. I waited too long.

I was so focused on work, I forgot to get work married.

Know what? I gotta go. I'll call you back.

Hello, Mrs. Kerkovich-Williams.

Birthday cake at 3:30. Thank you.

I was gonna have an after-lunch hard candy, but eh-eh.

Now I'll wait, so. Ha, ha, ha. Yeah. Heh, heh.

Hey, Hec. Why don't you stick around a bit, you know?

So, what you up to? What's your sitch?

Just delivering mail. Yeah?

Yeah. How's that work?

I go from each office to the next.

Some riveting stuff.

So, uh, do you, uh...

lick each package, huh?

Because I do. I am a big licker. Ha.

I just...

Then you said, "I lick everything

from little envelopes to big packages."

In my defense, I do lick every piece of mail.

Only way to make sure it's sealed.

Then you showed him how you can fit a stapler in your mouth

and demonstrated how you are "no stranger

to the three-hole punch." Yeah. So, just to clarify,

that was wrong? Yes.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Steven.

It's okay, Jane.

I see this in HR every day.

My job is 80 percent busywork and 20 percent figuring out

who's drawing genitals on Sharon's bagged lunch.

Well, it wasn't me.

Every time I draw genitals,

it ends up looking like Brad Garrett.

Hard candy?

Hey.

Oh, wouldn't this be gorge in Angie's apartment?

What? I thought you hated her.

I do. What is wrong with me?

What about this coatrack for Ange?

I could sand it, stain it, toss on a matte gloss...

I have a sickness.

I think Angie already has a bear coatrack.

Oh. Think I was too harsh with Dave?

Max, you were totally right.

These are things that we can't control.

Like when you start having feelings for somebody

and the world tells you you're crazy,

it's never gonna happen, but you still want it, you know?

What are you talking about, and why are you holding my hand?

Huh? Whatever. No big deal.

Who cares?

I got you a scarf. I got one too.

We can wear them if we go snowmobiling

or, like, send out holiday cards.

Okay, crazy lady. I'm gonna go get a churro.

Oh, get me one.

Or we could share yours. Ha, ha, ha.

Oh, my God.

Please tell me you do not have a crush on Max now.

No! Of course not.

Does he have a crush on me? What did he say? Tell me.

He didn't say anything. I think he's freaked out by you.

So he's thinking about me.

This is unacceptable behavior.

I'll allow it.

Babe, babe. What are you doing?

Got my ring back. Oh, good.

Wasn't really a joke.

Just thinking of something my new friend Steven said today.

Oh.

Who's Steven? Oh, no one. No one.

Some say he's my work husband...

Who might be saying that? Don't get all Mr. T on me.

You have a work wife. Vanessa is not my work wife.

Oh, really? Yeah.

Coffee with her every day?

Have more than one nickname? Um...

Vanestlé crunch.

Vanecessary roughness.

The Vanessa monologues.

Vanesticles. Vanasturbate.

It's Ms. Jackson, if you're vanasty.

Okay. Fine. I have a work wife.

But it's totally innocent. Nothing's going on.

Nothing's between Steven and me.

Good. I wanna meet your work husband.

I wanna meet your work wife. We should all do something.

Have our work spouses over.

Won't be weird at all. Like your mom tweeting.

How not weird was that tweet about menopause?

"Shutting down the fallopes." Hashtag, "menopause."

Not weird.

So how's the apartment coming? Good.

Penny's been helpful. Bought a chandelier and bread maker.

She loves you. Oh, yeah.

Oh, hey. I got an idea. Let's paint a Hitler mustache

on the Michael Jordan statue so he looks present-day.

I wanna do that so bad.

But I can't. I'm seeing Dave. Oh.

We've been hanging out a bit.

Really? Yeah, he's a great guy.

Yeah, I love him the way Penny loves you.

Grab us a coffee. Okay.

I'm gonna sit here and stew in my own anger for a second.

Welcome to Crazy Randy's Meat and Greet.

Today, we will be "meating" Dave Rose,

owner of the Steak Me Home Tonight food truck.

So, Dave, how did you come up with the name?

Well, it's funny, Randy.

Do you remember that song "Take Me Home Tonight"?

Great story!

Stick to questions about Dave's signature sandwich.

I got another story, Crazy Randy.

How this guy steals other people's ex-girlfriends.

Max. Try kissing me. It'll kill Dave.

Come on. You gotta stop.

Yes, I am still seeing Angie, but I don't get it.

You dumped her in high school, and you're gay.

Ho-ho-ho. If Harvey Milk could hear that.

You know what, Dave? All codes are off.

It's a code war. God. Turn it off.

What's a code war?

It's hell, Crazy Randy, pure and unadulterated hell,

especially when dealing with a dirtbag

that doesn't respect codes that hold civilization together.

Another code this guy doesn't respect? Health code.

That's right. Likes to prepare his meat in his underwear.

No, no, no. That is not true. That is not true.

Hey, buddy.

Okay, it happened one time. One time.

It was summer. The AC broke.

The meat was going bad. I had to sell it fast.

I was wearing a hairnet. No, I wasn't. Goodbye.

You know what? We're done.

So you guys are really in a code war?

Those are rough. Yeah, getting kind of ugly.

Max, what have you done to my shirts?

Oh, yeah. No more dress code, bro.

I turned all your T's into deep V's.

You're welcome. He messed with your V-necks?

That's like messing with a straight man's crew necks.

Don't worry, because I'm about to make my first strike.

Yeah, your hair does look like it's from a catalog

from an '80s barbershop. Ha, ha, ha.

Hey, soldier. Can I buy you a drink? Sure.

No more wingman code.

The joke is on you, because he's not a soldier.

He works at a Kiehl's, so, heh!

Hey, vaneedle in a haystack. Whoa! Oh, whoa.

Oh, that's your bra,

which is holding up your breasticles.

Sorry. I'm gonna be outside while you put them things away.

No, stay. I'm just changing for our drinks.

Can you help me zip this up? Sure, yeah. I'll just...

Come on. I'm not gonna bite.

I don't feel uncomfortable doing that.

Oh, that's your butt. Sorry.

A little higher. Yep.

I'm married!

Maybe we should reschedule the drink thing

for a later date. No way. No way you're bailing.

I wanna meet Jane, scope out my competition.

Competition? Let's go, Bradster.

This is gonna be fun.

Listen, Max, we brought you here to have a serious conversation.

I love your shirt, but I just need

to do this, if you don't mind.

There it is. Heh.

Why is she rubbing her baby hand on me?

Just ignore her.

The code war between you and Dave,

it's out of hand. No, it's not.

What are you doing?

That's a load-bearing column.

I don't care. No more building codes.

You live here too. Ha! Your name is on the lease.

Forged an addendum with your name.

You're bluffing.

I am bluffing. Don't hit another pillar.

You don't understand because you're not guys.

This is what we do. We razz each other.

I razz him. He razzes me back. I razz him. He razzes me back.

Give him a permanent while he's sleeping...

He razzes me back. Wait. What now?

We ran out of codes, so I came up with a new one,

hair code for men.

Look like Keri Russell after Felicity.

Like John McEnroe's sister.

You look like a huge lesbian.

Hey. There they are.

Hey, honey. Can I talk to you quick?

Don't be rude. introduce me.

Uh... Y'all. Jane, we really need to talk.

No, I want you to meet Steven. How are you?

Hey, how tall are you, man?

Like, 6'4". How tall are you?

Jane, can we talk?

Vanessa, why don't you have some wine?

Gonna visit Accounts Receivable.

That's what HR guys call the bathroom.

He does. I've heard you say that.

You have. You say that.

Talk time. Okey-doke.

Listen, I was wrong about Vanessa.

It's totally not innocent. She wants me.

What? Yes. She wants me bad, Jane.

She couldn't resist my sweet-smelling body.

Look. It just smells too nice. Excuse me?

Oh, come on. You were half-naked in your office.

You had me zip you up.

You wanna be more than my work wife.

Whoa, whoa. I am not your work wife, okay?

If anything, you're like my work dad. What?

I mean, aren't you, like, 48? I'm 29.

I could never think of you like that, ever. Ew.

I mean, there's no way I could ever... Ew.

Two "ews"?

What a relief. Heh, heh, heh.

Glad we cleared that up.

Yeah. Okay. You know what? I'm sorry.

He didn't realize your relationship

was just fun and innocent, like Steven and me.

All right. Who's ready to get freaky?

Brad, pick a girl and meet me upstairs.

You are the head of HR. What are you doing?

That's what makes it so awesome, right?

It's like, who are you gonna report me to, me?

I'm God! Heh, heh, heh.

I'm gonna need these.

Hey. Oh, my God. Your hair.

You look like a Jonas uncle.

Oh, yeah. It's a perm accident. Max did this to me.

What is going on with you guys?

Max didn't want me to date you

because he broke up with you and broke your heart.

Dave, Max did not break my heart.

I broke up with him after we graduated.

What? Yeah.

I knew he was gay. He just didn't know it yet.

Oh, wow. Um...

Angie, I can't go on this date tonight.

I gotta find Max.

Okay. Want me to run inside and get you a hat?

Oh, God. No, no. I look terrible in hats.

I never asked. How's it going with that work husband thing?

We just decided to be real wife and real husband.

Save the fiirting for each other.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

What you about to do? What's this?

You're not about to do what I think. Deeper.

Temple Grandin. It's Pat.

Uh... You look good, man.

I look like a Quaalude dealer. Max, can I talk to you?

Anything you gotta say, say in front of my real friends.

Fine. I know you lied

and Angie broke up with you in high school.

Okay, scootch. Nothing to hear here.

Max, don't go anywhere. Come on. I love you.

I mean, we all love you. Just...

Fine. This is so stupid.

I guess Angie did dump me

and I guess she was the first person

I was ever in love with.

But even though I didn't realize it

at the time I was in love with her here

and here,

but I was definitely not in love with her down here.

Talking about my penis.

Got that. Couldn't be more clear.

- And my scro. - Okay.

I get it. The code is not about sex.

You loved this girl, and she broke your heart.

I got your back. I would never do something like that to you.

Thanks, dude.

I thought I was the most special girl.

Oh, no. You are. It's just... Angie's special to me

because she was my last straight relationship.

You were my first gay relationship. Wait. What?

Dating you was like dating a gay dude,

but it was awesome and great

and gave me the strength and courage to come out, so...

Aw. That is weirdly sweet.

Wanna make out? No.

For old times' sake?

Wait a second. What about me?

God. I don't know how we're gonna get this

through that blond doll head of yours,

but I am gay.

Hello. I like dudes.

Never gonna change. Okay.

I know. I understand.

But I bought you a harmonica.

You ask for a harmonica? No, I didn't.

He doesn't need a harmonica.

You are losing your mind.

Penny, I don't think I can do this.

If you wanna get over him, you have to watch.

I can't look. Ugh. Come on. Be strong.

Oh, yeah. I can't do this for you.

If you're gonna love it, you gots to love all of it.

That's it. I'm out. Crush over.

You, my friend, are an animal.

Don't gotta show off. Get down here. Okay.

There you go. Come spend a Sunday with daddy.

Fine. Why don't we...? Ow! Ow.