Original subtitles

Yes, sir. Correct, sir. Absolutely, sir.

Your bed's already made, sir.

You turning this place into a bed and breakfast?

My pops is coming into town.

Oh.

Is he still the most terrifying dad

on the face of the planet? Mm-hm.

Guys, he's not that scary.

He pulled a sword on me at your wedding.

First of all, he was in full military dress.

Second, you drove my grandma's Rascal into a pool.

Okay, your grandma and I were going shot for shot, and I was...

Ugh! You know that guy Jeremy that I thought was amazing?

He just pexted me.

Hmm? Penis text.

Oh, oh, oh. Whoa, that is small.

Alex and I are in such a boy slump.

Whoa, whoa, back up. I am not in a slump.

I'm not even trying to date anyone.

Girl slumps do not exist.

Wanna know foolproof way for a girl to break a slump?

Step one, decide to have sex.

Step two, have some sex.

Oh, women be shopping, women be shopping.

They do. It's not about intercourse.

It's about meeting someone who is cool and nice,

and if intercourse happens to take place, no complaints.

Maybe you're in a slump because you use the word "intercourse."

Wanna know what Jane calls intercourse?

No. Doing the straight up...

Beep!

...In sexy time valley. Ugh!

Really? Do you want me to pext him back?

If you're gonna do that, give it to Brad.

Max, just calling to make sure

you remember the toilet paper, the bread,

and we're almost out of ketchup.

I got none of that crap.

But guess what I did get.

Oh, no, he didn't. Oh, yes, he did.

Dude, aren't we a little old for toys?

On the box, it says "ages 8 and up."

That's us. I work all day.

I buy all the groceries. I do all the cooking.

And I appreciate that.

You're like my mom, but hotter.

Come on, man, I was really counting

on that toilet paper.

Well, then, why don't you clean

your Charlie Sheen with this?

My turn.

What? What? I'm out of bullets!

I'm out of bullets too! What do we do?

We call that homeless Swede down the block

and tell him to be our ammo jockey!

We could just pick them up off the TV.

Yeah, I don't want Gunther in my house.

So, what do you wanna do with your dad tonight?

He's got to go bed early.

He has to go to the hospital for some tests.

What kind of tests? MRI, CAT scan, EKG.

Routine stuff. Routine?

Yeah, sure, no.

My morning routine is a cup of coffee,

a mammogram and a camera up my vagina.

Are you sure everything is okay? Totally.

I'm sure he would have talked to me.

Really? I kind of feel like you don't talk that much.

Seven-thirty. No, Scottie Pippen.

I mean, more than just "What time is the Bulls game?

Are you going? if you had to sleep with one Bull, who?"

Okay, first of all, that's not what he asked me.

But if he did, the answer is B.J. Armstrong.

You don't get that name for nothing.

Clean it up. What? His arms are strong.

I'm just saying, he might be scared about these tests.

I think, you should talk to him about it.

Fine. if it'll make you feel better,

I'll talk to him,

if there's an opening. Great.

And stop cleaning. The place looks great.

Why you getting all Jane on me?

Why do you putting your name in every sentence?

Because that's how I Jane.

No.

Okay, my dad is always on time, so he should be here

in approximately three, two, one.

Sorry, I'm late.

Hi, Francis.

Uh. Hmm.

Oh, bags.

Okay, we are breaking the slump.

I feel good about tonight.

Excuse me, ladies.

These ribs are from the gentleman

across the bar. And I feel less good.

Who sends over ribs?

Turn this into a drinking game.

We talk to as many guys as we can.

First sign of creepiness, we take a shot.

I love it. Yeah. Yeah.

How about we retire to my apartment,

where we can enjoy what French call sauvignon blanc?

It's not sexist if it's racist.

Then we can do what the French call

the three-way sex.

I'm always thinking about what's next for me...

Sure. ...In the afterlife.

Boom, boom, bing, bam.

Sarah Palin, if she were black.

You don't know what you're... Forget it.

I'm getting a no from this side. A maybe?

Wow, there are zero cool guys.

Slump continues. I don't know.

I'm kind of rethinking the rib guy.

Do you need a wet nap? This is the way I eat them.

I can't watch this. Take it down like a champ.

So, Brad, here we all are.

Great time to ask people how people are feeling

about things that are happening.

Mmm, uh, yeah, Dad.

I wanted to ask you how you felt about

that new '91 Bulls documentary.

I very much enjoyed it.

It's nice to go back to the days when basketball meant more

than getting neck tattoos

and shooting your pistol off in the club.

Or passing around a Kardashian. What's that?

- These girls on a sex tape... - So, Francis.

Doctors are looking under the old hood tomorrow.

How you feeling about that? You always worry a little bit.

It's only natural. I'll be all right.

Totally.

Well, I'm gonna turn in.

Got a busy day tomorrow. Jane.

Good night. Bradley.

What the hell was that? What?

Didn't you see me making the opening gesture?

Oh, that's what that was?

I thought you were separating two boxing mice.

That's what you thought this was?

Oh, yeah, now, I see it. Yeah, the little white one?

Yeah, and the brown guy over here with little boxing gloves.

What's that one's name? Mice Tyson.

Mice Tyson?

So cute. I love them.

Anyway, he gave you an opening.

I mean, it was a clear shot. Why didn't you take it?

My dad and I are fine. Have you ever said

"I love you" to each other?

We don't have to say it,

because we show it by not saying it.

Like how mountain ever say it to the sea, yet the sea knows?

Do you ever think about these things before you say them or...

Yeah, I do. I think, wow, that's brilliant.

I should say that out loud.

And then I say it out loud and it's spectacular.

It exceeds my expectations.

Right.

I'm drunk.

Oh, tonight was a bust. Let's go.

I DVR'd that new weight loss show

for clairvoyants, Large Mediums.

Whoa, pump the brakes, sister. Two gorgeous guys, incoming.

Hello, kind sirs.

Of course. They only speak gibberish.

We finally meet super cute guys and they only speak Italian.

Oh, my God, I speak a lot of Italian!

Still gibberish.

You guys don't say "I love you" to your dads?

All the time. When I need money.

Because Jane says I need to open up to my dad

about feelings and stuff.

If we're gonna have this emo conversation,

I'm gonna need you to put on the hat.

Oh, fine.

There you go.

Oh, buddy, look.

If it's really a concern for you,

just tell him that you love him.

I mean, life is uncertain.

One minute you're talking about your dad

going into the hospital for some tests and stuff

and the next minute, this happens.

Oh! Come on, guys.

Not my sex nose.

Tests came back fine.

You're lucky to have such a healthy father.

That's great news. Thank you.

Jane, I've been thinking about what you said,

and I feel like this is the perfect opening

for me to tell him I love him.

You got to do it.

I love you, Dad.

Why are you saying that to me?

You never said that to me before.

Why you doing this with your chest, man?

Are they gonna cut me open? I'm gonna... Am I gonna die?

Am I gonna die?

I can't die!

I got stuff I got to do! Sir, lay down.

Am I gonna die, doc?

So I said "I love you" to my dad and it almost killed him.

Never doing that again.

He just had a panic attack. He's fine.

It's good that you guys said I love you to each other.

Yeah.

Funny story, though. He never said it back to me.

But it's okay. He's my dad. He's a really reserved guy.

Good morning, party people!

Huh?

I feel amazing.

I feel like I'm alive for the first time.

And I got something to say.

Brad? Yeah?

I love this track suit.

Man, it is so comfortable, so much dangle room.

Look at that. Hey, look. Can I buy this from you?

Dad, you can have it. You'd do that for me?

Of course.

Brad, I love this track suit so much.

It just feels so good. You know what I want to do?

Some racketeering? I want to live.

Okay. Come on.

Let's go get jiggy with stuft.

Now I'm gonna go upstairs, throw away my non-track suits

because this is my new look.

We gonna go get crunk.

I'm getting crunk.

Those are weird moves.

See? He's opening up.

Yeah, to track suits and '90s slang.

Ugh, I am so hungover.

Me too. And I'm like weirdly full.

You ate a half slab of ribs last night

and chased it with a full slab.

You busted out fluent Italian. I did, didn't I?

I mean, you did spend that semester in Florence.

Maybe some of that Italian actually sunk in.

Ah, those sweet Chianti-soaked nights

strolling the banks of the Arno,

meeting amazing people from all over the Big Ten.

All right. Stop bragging. If I could speak it last night,

why don't I understand any of this?

I mean, it's like a mystery.

Chinese, but it's Italian. Yeah.

I mean, what's different from last night?

I don't know, but I got to figure it out

because I really like this guy.

I feel like you say that a lot. I mean, what changed?

I'm still the same old me. I'm just not hammered.

Yep, that's it.

Can we get a round of mimosas, please?

Oh, come on. Okay, that sounds cool.

Mmm. Okay, ciao is hello.

Pennisima is Little Penny.

That's all I got. Drink!

Fast service. Yes.

I love her. They're quick.

So sweet. So cute. So pretty.

Ma'am!

"Hello, Penny.

"Please meet us at the same time and place tonight.

Bring your friend."

Oh, my God. When I get drunk, I speak Italian.

Oh, my God. When I get drunk, I eat ribs!

So did you have fun last night? Yeah, sort of.

Hey, now let's talk to some women.

You know, trying to have sex with them.

Okay. Not my thing, but okay.

Dad, please stop. Ever since your mom left,

man, I'm super horny.

It make it hard to drive.

Oh, God.

It was fine when he never said he loved anything.

But last night, he was dropping I bombs all over the place.

Not one of them hit me.

Brad, I really love your friends.

My new dad. It stings a bit.

I know, but I bet if you say it to him again,

he'll say it right back.

You just need to create the right moment.

You know what? You should take the day off work

and you should take him on a dad date.

Okay, but I'm not calling it that.

"Dad date" sounds like a terrible Michael Keaton movie.

Or an amazing Ted Danson movie.

Hey, what are you doing?

Hey, come here. Come back here.

Damn.

Come back!

Dad, that was the best day ever. I loved everything about it.

Anything or anyone in particular that you loved today?

Nope. Tip to tail, I loved the day.

Here you go, gentlemen. Oh, no, look at this.

He brought us the lobster mash

and the creamed spinach.

This guy, come here, bring it in, bring it in.

Really? What?

You hugging waiters now? Brad.

Look, Dad. I love the new Fran,

but it kind of bothers me

that the new Fran loves everything

and everyone except me.

It was super tough to say "I love you,"

and you didn't say it back.

In my defense, I thought I was having a heart attack.

Besides, you know how I feel about you.

I mean, what says "I love you"

more than setting off firecrackers?

Saying "I love you"? Okay, fine.

Let's try it again. Fine.

Dad, I love you.

Dad? Daddy?

Dad, it's okay. I'm emotional too.

Wow.

I don't think I've ever seen you cry before.

This is a huge breakthrough.

I know you like the steak. That's why I brought you here.

Oh, my God. Sir? It's good stea...

Thank God.

You saved my life.

No, no. Don't move those big strong arms.

Bring it in, bring it in.

Hey! Get your own damned daddy.

Penny's out with the Italians again.

They didn't want you to go? I don't think they like me.

Hey, I'm Mario! I'm gonna win.

Why would I wanna be there if I can't understand anything?

You said the same thing when you tried to drop out of Grade 8.

Guys, can we focus on what's important,

which is that I've run out of cool things to shoot?

Sixteen, 17, 18, 19...

No! No, teen.

Hmm. Thanks. Twenty.

I can't get myself up. Dave.

I can't do it! You can do it.

Going down!

Okay, aren't you guys a little old

to be playing with toys? Honestly?

Oh, you got to be kidding me.

There's a total chotch across the street,

sniffing a hot girl's shoe.

That's Avi from the vitamin store.

Notice the candles and the mini kimono?

Yeah, he thinks of everything.

Gentlemen, we have our next target.

Hi.

Hmm.

Hmm-mm. Hmm-mm.

Penny.

Mmm.

Mm. Mmm-hm.

Penny...

I can't believe we've been shooting at mini-kimono guy

for an hour and a half and we still haven't hit him.

I can't believe he's been having sex an hour and a half.

The window is closing. He's closing his window!

We're missing our shot.

Guess that's it. There's one thing left to do.

Clean the house? Watch Large Mediums?

No.

Another thing.

God, I love that guy.

- He's gonna get caught. - No way.

My boy Max is super stealthy.

Pull down the window.

- Pull it down. - Now it's go time.

Yes. All right, Dave. This is it.

Take the shot.

And we're going to prison.

Oh, my...

This was an incredible trip.

Saw Millennium Park, did a little shopping,

almost died twice. Yup.

You know, this experience made me realize

that I need to live a little. Sure do.

Maybe not quite this much. Absolutely.

It also made me realize I need to say "I love you"

to my son.

Aw. Yes.

Shucks. Oh, I'm gonna leave you two.

That should hold her for a while.

Good. Yeah.

You know, I really do love you.

Just saying, it isn't my thing.

That's cool. My thing is gonna be track suits

and light to moderate strip clubbing.

Less cool.

Bring it in, bring it in.

- Oh, my God, oh, my God. - This is bad.

- Okay. - No. There's Mrs. Klein.

Oh, my God. Did Mrs. Klein get hurt?

No one was hurt in the fire.

She fell and shattered her pelvis six days ago.

In fact, if it wasn't for the fire,

the poor thing would have starved to death.

Wow.

Gotta be a lesson here.

Yeah. You were right.

We're too old to be playing with toys.

No, man. We're kind of heroes here.

AVl: My mini kimono!

It's ruined! It's ruined!

Check that. We're superheroes.

Tri-five.

How's it going? I'm Max. Hey, all right.

You guys are doing good work, doing the Lord's work.

Anybody want to get a drink after?

Rosalita's?

Hey, that hose looks heavy.

Ooh, the doctor is in.

I just brewed up a batch of some pomegranate kombucha.

Oh, don't mind if I do.

You know, so glad that we met at the vitamin store.

Tell me, what's your favorite supplement?

Mm, well, if I had to pick just one...

Oh, yeah? ...I'd say vitamin D.

Mm, good choice.

But if I had to pick another one on the list,

I'd definitely say Vitamin Sex.

Ooh, I take that one daily. Ooh, yes.

Let's crank up some Enya.

Hurry back.

See you in hell, Avi.

Oh, yeah. Right in the sex nose.