Original subtitles

So the boy in The Sixth Sense dies at the end?

No, the sixth sense is love.

Guys, spoilers. The movie's 12 years old.

Never gonna believe who I ran into at the drug store.

An old lady buying shampoo?

A guy who works in the drug store?

Yes. Also, Mr. Fitzgerald, my favorite high school teacher.

He was the coolest.

I mean, he used to let us call him Alan.

Okay, Dave had two pictures in his locker,

Neve Campbell and Mr. Fitzgerald.

He taught us that comic books were just as literary as novels.

He wore sandals to class.

Pump the brakes, Dead Poets Society.

He used to say, "Dave, chase your dreams.

Don't let your dreams chase you."

We get it, he touched you. Really?

It's not your fault, Dave.

Dave, it's not your fault. Stop Good Will Hunting me.

Stop comparing me to Robin Williams movies, period.

Come on, we just opened up. What's happening here?

It's a new coffee shop, Nick's Coffee and Tea.

The neighborhood could use a good coffee shop.

It's not a shop, it's a chain.

Got over 300 stores on the West Coast alone.

A coffee chain is a clear indication of gentrification.

Do you know what that means? Pumpkin lattes.

It means our rent goes up.

It means organic grocery stores. It means families, Dave.

Families. Aah, warm buttermilk scones.

Alex, you of all people should be concerned about this.

A chain store is the enemy of the small business owner.

You're right. I never thought about that before.

The first coffee I ever had was in Fitzgerald's class.

He let us drink it during great books discussions.

Okay. Show me on the cup man where he touched you.

Dave, this sandwich is bananas. Thanks, Pen.

I just wish business would pick up.

Well, success takes time.

"Roam" by the B-52s wasn't written in a day.

Know what you should do for publicity?

Enter that big food truck competition

they have every year. The Truckies?

My sandwiches aren't flashy enough.

Not like that damn báhn mì truck

and their stupid, delicious, tangy mayo.

No way! Mr. Fitzgerald!

Call me Alan. Alan. Still a thrill.

I'm so glad you decided to come by.

You remember my friend, Penny Hartz, from high school?

How could I forget? You were so intense and misunderstood.

I really was. Yeah.

So this is for you. Oh.

I don't know if you noticed the truck here,

but I'm kind of living my dream, you know, like Kerouac.

My office is on the road. Stupid.

Dave, this is really good.

Really good. Yeah.

Know what would take it to the next level?

This si-io khao tamarind slaw that I learned to make

when I was building orphanages in Phuket.

Ooh, exotic.

The legend has it that the locals used it

as a powerful aphrodisiac. Listening.

If the measurements are slightly off, it becomes a diuretic.

Ugh. Ooh.

I really think that those flavors

would intensify the taste of this steak.

Exotic slaw might be what I need to take it to the next level.

Sounds slawsome.

I don't know why I said that.

That's a great joke. Yeah?

I think that you sound slawsome.

Ha-ha-ha. Stop.

I've interviewed, like, seven people for this intern position

and nobody comes in prepared.

You're gonna have to work with this person.

Forget prepared. Pick someone cool.

Oh, yeah. I'm nine hours past the deadline on a project,

but it's all good because I got Jay Mohr with me.

Why is Jay Mohr always your go-to for cool?

Brad, only idiots hire people based on charm.

Then every boss I've ever had is an idiot,

because I'm all charm, baby.

I'm Lance Charmstrong. Okay.

I'm so charming. My mom breast-fed me for an extra year.

You're lucky you have never been up against me for a job

because prepared beats charm any day of the week.

Agree to disagree. Agree to disagree.

Hold up. Check out Max, making gay stuff happen.

Oh, don't mind if you do. Here's my number.

It's not fake, either. I will call this,

and use an oftensively Asian accent.

Like, a really racist one.

Good for you. Anyway, I'm Max.

Ian. Call me. Nice.

He needs a boyfriend.

I am tired of holding him during thunderstorms.

I got digits. Looks like someone has a reason

to get their phone turned back on.

I'm not paying for it. Please, I have no money, Brad.

Is this not like having

the Thai festival of Songkran right in your mouth?

Yes? Hmm.

Amazing.

This slaw will definitely help me at the Truckies.

I'm gonna do it.

I'll come by the day of and make

a big batch of slaw with you. You would do that for me?

Of course. You were my favorite student.

I knew it.

I'm gonna go wash the si-io khao off my hands.

I smell like Koh Kor Mountain.

He's so cool. I know.

Did he say he smells like Coke Whore Mountain?

Hey, quick download,

Alan asked me out. Is that cool with you?

Penny, Alan was a huge part of my life.

We spent hours together after school.

He taught me about books, art and love.

He didn't touch me, but he was always there for me.

So not really clear what my marching orders are.

Can I go out with him? Only...

if you wanna do the most awesome thing in the world.

Is that a yes?

I'm trying to follow. Yes! Yes. Yes.

So when gay guys hook up, do they call each other dude?

Like, "Dude, your lips are so soft."

Or, "Your mustache is tickling my navel, dog."

You're an idiot. But yeah we do. Knew it.

Hey, Max. you were so right, okay? Nick's is a real threat.

They've hired baristas away from three local shops.

So I talked to some local small business owners.

We are gonna meet tomorrow, come up with a plan of action.

I am gonna be an agent of chaos.

Ooh. And I'm bringing lemon bars.

Come on, Max. You could be my Gay Guevara.

Hate that nickname, addicted to lemon bars. I'm in.

Let's go, you little munchkin. We are going to take them down.

I figured out a way to find out who's better at interviews.

We both interview at that coffee shop. They're hiring.

Whoever gets the job, wins. Usual bet?

The usual bet. I'm in.

No one cares about the little guy.

The chain hardware stores are killing me.

My business is down 40 percent. Yeah.

I think part of that has something to do

with the fact that you got caught selling dolphin meat.

What are we gonna do about it?

We kill them. Sell their meat. Tell people it's tuna.

Scott, I love your enthusiasm.

But maybe we should start small.

You know? Like, what about a petition?

I meant to do that.

Okay, I didn't mean to do that, but I'm glad it happened.

A petition? I mean, what are we talking about here?

Do you have a better idea? I got about a 1000 better ideas.

I've got a long history of civil disobedience.

Save the Sloppy Joes at Westfield.

Save the Sloppy Joes at Westfield.

Here's what we're gonna do. Bring it in.

Get real tight. Everybody take a knee.

Front row, take a knee. Real tight.

Sorry to bother you, need to take another knee.

Take both knees, Scottie. Here's what I think we should...

I feel we're not tight in... We're tight.

We're not tight. What's the idea?

How do you like the moqueca capixaba?

Oh, if that is this thing, I like it very much.

Oh, it's great.

You've been to many places. Why'd you come back here?

I'm working my way through four bucket lists.

And it's left me a little strapped for cash,

so I gotta crash with my sister and her dumb husband, Mike,

the successful tax attorney.

It's like, "Mike, if you don't want guests,

don't build a guest house, you idiot."

Mm. You know,

Dave is just so excited that you're here.

I mean, you really inspired him.

Mm, yeah, that's my jam.

Alan Fitzgerald, mind-shaper.

And Dave has always been one of my favorites.

Dave Rose. Dave Rhodes.

Rose. That's what I'm saying, Rhodes.

Rose. Rhodes.

You say it. Rose.

Yeah. We're saying the same. No. No, we're not.

Excuse me? Yes, sir?

Hi. Can I get another bottle of Malbec, please?

Okay. Thanks.

By the way, I don't have any money,

but I'm gonna pay you back in poems.

Boom. Cool.

That girl's cute. Is that your boyfriend?

It's her husband, I think. Oh. My fault.

So how cool is Alan?

Oh, so cool.

Like, brr, I need a jacket.

I knew it. What's he like on a date?

What did he say before he kissed you?

Was it the best line ever? Oh, yeah.

He said,

"I have the need, the need for speed."

That is so awesome.

Ha, what? What?

Oh, my God, I'm so happy for you.

Oh. Oh.

This guy, he might be the one.

Hey, thanks for walking me to work.

Save me from the walk of shame.

Well, I'm a gentleman. Plus, I need to get shampoo.

I've been washing my hair with hand sanitizer for three weeks.

Sexy. Yeah, well.

This is me. Oh.

You work here? Not really. Uh, actually...

Good, this place just... I'm the owner.

One place I really wanna go in and enjoy.

So you own this place in the sense that you, like,

own it? Put all my savings into it.

It sucks. Local businesses are not exactly welcoming.

They've been passing out flyers, trying to organize a boycott.

I even think they're the ones who harassed my cousin Tim.

Hey, man.

We don't like your kind around here.

What? Not so grande now, are you?

Scott! Don't say my name!

What are you doing? My name's not Scott!

He's turtling! He's turtling!

Scott! My name's not Scott!

Shouldn't have said my name. Why do you have a switchblade?

Because I couldn't find my gun.

Weird.

So it turns out Dave's hero, Mr. Fitzgerald,

is a full-on douche, and Dave can't see it.

Penny, I can't live without you!

I want everybody to know.

Alan, I told you I don't wanna go out with you again.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I wrote you a poem. Ugh.

It's called:

"Can You Make Me a Grilled Cheese Sandwich."

Are you drunk? It's 10 a.m. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

I need to speak with you about something very important.

Okay, what? What's up?

Oh, Alan, get out of my hallway. You leave my hallway

and come with me to Madagascar. No.

Right now. No. You need to sober up

and get to work on that slaw for Dave, okay?

The Truckies are in four hours.

Truck the Truckies.

This is about me and you hanging out

and you writing me a check for, like, a grand, tops.

Besides, who cares about anybody else?

Dave cares, okay? He cares so much about you and your opinion.

Okay.

Obviously, you're very concerned about this Dave guy.

Yeah. I want you to know

that I am totally open to a three-way.

Oh, my God.

That was my penis.

Dave has always had a blind spot for that guy.

I don't like him. I do not trust teachers

who refuse to give letter grades.

I get it, we're snowflakes. Some of us are better,

smarter snowflakes who studied.

She was that girl in school. I know.

I got my resume laminated and updated for the big interview.

This is my resume.

Couple of jokes, couple of, "You been hitting the P90X?"

When he doesn't know what the P90X is,

"Bro, you gotta hit the P90X now."

Then some dude stuff, then I get the job.

Oh, really? Can you tell the difference between these beans?

They could not be more difterent.

They are all coffee. So in that sense,

they could be more different.

That's the charm there.

Who would you hire?

Ooh, I don't care.

Hey, Al, could I talk to you for a second?

Max, you ready for the protest? Yeah.

Totally, about that, let's cancel it, go see a movie.

There's one that Peter Travers says

is a "Stage five thrillicane." Let's get serious. We gotta go.

Actually, I've also been doing a ton of research,

it turns out that Nick's Coffee is a cool company,

which I did not know,

and they give a ton of money to African kids,

and they're, like, flying out all these refugees

to Boca... All right, you beat it out of me.

I'm dating the owner. Ian, he's so cool.

I am in a serious "you've got male" situation.

Male spelled M-A-L-E.

I can't believe this. I know, it's dazzling word play.

I'm the Peter Travers of complicated gay relationships.

I'm also a sellout. Well, you know,

I'm a sellout too. You see these signs?

I got the poster boards at Office Plus.

The prices are unreal. I know.

So you're not mad at me? No. You like a boy.

That is totally the funnest thing to sell out for.

You're the best. You like a boy. You like a boy.

Now you're the worst, very quickly.

We have to stop this protest, save the day for love.

Whoa, I never said anything about love.

Come on. For love! For like.

For love! Like.

What up, Dave? Hey.

Mm, that marinade smells amazing.

We're all so psyched to see you kick ass at the Truckies.

I'm almost ready to go. Just waiting on Alan

to get here to make the slaw, but it's no big deal.

He's a few half-hours late, but...

Dave, I just want you to know,

you've got a great sandwich, with or without that slaw.

There's gonna be slaw.

Why wouldn't there be slaw? What I'm trying to say is,

Alan might not come today

because he may not be as great of a guy as you think he is.

Penny, I know what you're doing, I talked to Alan.

You're hurt because he broke it off with you.

What? Yeah.

Guys like me and him, we're free spirits.

We gotta be free to roam. We gotta be free to...

That is so weird, I promise I will never do that again.

Dave, you are nothing like Alan, okay?

He's a douche who's broke, and he's stupid

he doesn't realize how awesome you are.

He does realize how awesome I am, okay?

He's gonna be at the Truckies.

If that's weird for you, maybe you shouldn't come.

Wow. You'd rather have him there than me?

No, Pen. It's just... He's bringing the slaw.

Hey, Mr. Fitzge... Alan.

Don't wanna tie you down,

but I'm just calling to check on the slaw.

Um, I'm gonna go set up,

but I'm gonna leave everything here for you,

and you can just let yourself in and do your thing.

Really hope to see you, all right? Love you.

Just, you know, that... Miss you. You know what?

You just keep on trucking.

Okay, Kevin and Steve,

you both have MBAs, that's really impressive. And, um...

I'm sorry... It's Brad.

Brad, uh, you didn't hand in a resume, any reason for that?

Do I have something on my face? Here's my resume:

You, me, couple of steaks,

Bulls game, I don't know, batting cages?

So I'm gonna take that as a no, you don't have a paper resume.

Here is my resume, in triplicate.

Take them all. ls there gonna be a competition

where we need to smell the beans and guess where they're from?

Don't know what that means. I should interview you.

Two-parter, one, where do you see yourself in five years?

Two, how did I help you get there?

So just let me know when it's time to smell the beans.

There's the blindfold you were talking about.

You look fantastic, guys.

Maybe you two aren't right for this company.

I understand where you're coming from,

but riddle me this, uh,

how do you like your coffee, huh? Hot?

A little sticky?

Uhm, sticky? Really, Ms. Preparation?

Playing the sex card in a group interview?

Also, I'm gay. Ooh.

You see, I just find coffee so...

Sensual.

Hm.

Wow.

Break the chain! Break the chain!

Break the chain!

Max!

I can't let Ian see me. Can you stop this by yourself?

All right, I got this.

Break the chain! Break the chain!

Break the chain! Break the chain!

Hey, guys, listen up, everyone. Listen to this.

I actually just got a call from Nick himself.

And he's actually a cool guy.

For every cup of coffee he sells,

he gives a cup of coffee to a child in need.

- He gives coffee to kids? - What?

Decaf. So, what do you say?

We just cancel this and go catch a movie? I mean...

Wait a minute, she's been compromised.

What? Let's get rid of her.

Violence is an option.

Violence is an option! Violence is an option!

Violence is not an option.

Let's just put these down.

Meeting you guys was the best.

Ooh, hey, did I mention your lips look super-soft, bro?

Yeah, about five times. Okay, gun to your head,

who would you hire?

Uh, the guy with the gun over both of you.

Put the signs down, let's call it a day.

Cooler heads have prevailed. Oh, God. What is happening?

Okay, so let's pat ourselves on the back and just go home.

Max? What?

What is going on? Are you a part of all this?

Part of all this? Max started this.

I did not start it, I had nothing to do with this.

Oh, my God, I know those voices. It's happening again!

Careful, one of them has a switchblade!

It's called turtling when he goes under.

You beat up Tim? Whoa, whoa, that's not fair.

You don't take all the credit.

We beat up Tim together. Okay, Scott.

Max, Alex, what are you guys doing here?

Hey. Of course,

you are friends with these perverts.

Perverts who are willing to go the extra mile.

This is all a misunderstanding.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Sorry I'm late, but I brought Alan's slaw.

You did? He wanted to bring it,

but he got an emergency call

and had to hop the first fiight to Phuket.

I know you're lying. I went looking for Alan on my way.

Oh, yeah, the Truckies, I almost forgot.

You know what would be cooler than that

is if we got in my van,

and we drove out to that place where all four states touch,

and we smoke hella weed in all four at the same time.

Hey, if you're going out, can you pick me up some Band-Aids?

I cut my armpit shaving.

And he called me Dave Reynolds. You remember Dave Reynolds.

He used to lick stuff for money. Penny, I feel really stupid.

I understand wanting to have someone to look up to.

Yeah, maybe it's time I realize

that I have people in my life to inspire me.

Talking about Scottie Pippen? Always.

Besides,

turns out I didn't need Alan's slaw,

because I won.

I told you. That is awesome.

Yeah. Oh, my God. Proud of you.

Thanks. Look, I know the slaw

is largely a metaphor at this point,

but maybe you can still use it. Yeah, this would go...

That smells disgusting.

I brought you some white chicken chili fries made by Koreans.

I'm not hungry. Oh, come on, screw Ian.

A guy who turns down all three of us

clearly cannot recognize a good thing.

What's the matter, Fussy-Face. Oh, Mr. Sad Face.

He's got a case of the broken hearts.

I don't. I don't care about anything. Could run a mile now.

Ian was pretty cute, though.

Bet those lips were as soft as they looked.

They were, and I really didn't hate him.

Hey, so let's go and get him. A mentor of mine once said,

"Chase your dreams. Don't let your dreams chase you."

The same mentor suggested we have a three-way,

so take it with a grain of salt. Let's do this. Come on, guys.

Okay? Let's go. Let's go get him. For love!

For love!

Ian! Ian!

Ian, I know I'm probably not welcome inside,

so I'm just gonna yell from here, if that's cool.

Cool. Look,

dating you was not part of some weird scheme or plan.

I'm sorry I screwed it all up.

I mean, I'm just a guy standing in a food truck,

which I know is confusing, and I will explain later, maybe.

I'm just a guy standing in front of another guy,

Realizing this is a weird way to handle this.

I'm just a guy trying to run an honest business.

Maybe create job opportunities in a rough economic climate.

And I'm just a guy that thrives in a shadow black market economy

but I respect everything you're doing.

I'm also just a guy standing in front of a guy

who wishes we could go back to just talking about us.

I'm a guy who's listening.

I am also a guy who feels weird

in front of my employees right now,

so, uh, Hakeem, if you would be a guy who would go inside,

and maybe watch the register, that'd be great.

Thanks, Hakeem.

And I'm also a guy who's really glad you came back.

I'm also kind of a guy who likes to keep things loose,

you know, don't wanna be tied down.

I can be into that, that's cool.

Don't wanna get locked down.

Yeah, you get it. Right. Good game.

Yeah, see you around.

Yay!

Really? A fist bump?

Come on.

Let's go get a bagel.

Where's my sandwich, babe?

Oh, this is gonna taste so good.

Give me the sandwich.

So this is what happens when they both lose the usual bet?

You know what? I want a backrub, snooch.

Mm-hm. Me too.

And a sundae. Ah! Puppy.

Clown sex.

- Get over here. - Okay.

Do they even care that we're here?

So how's it going with Ian?

Mm, not so good, he's married with three kids.

Ugh, been there. Yeah.