Original subtitles

Check out what we've been working on all afternoon.

Hit it, B.

Taking it.

Double Dutch, go.

Uh. Okay.

Now that that's settled, what are we doing?

Revenge of the Nerds marathon.

I know what I'm doing with the next seven hours.

If you play Revenge of the Nerds III

and TLC's CrazySexyCool at the same time,

they sync perfectly.

Sorry, can't join you guys.

Me and Jane have an awesome double date planned.

Gonna hit a wine bar, talk about good school districts.

You wanna stay here? Of course I do.

Lamar's most infiuential

African-American character after Radio and Malcolm X.

Nobody moves!

My leftover chicken Parm sando is missing and I want answers.

Dave, you know how seriously I take my pre-dinner meal.

Why don't you admit that you eat two dinners?

I'm not a Hobbit. They ate two breakfasts.

He does that too. That's not the point!

Food is missing and this is not the first time.

My carnitas burrito from a week ago, gone.

My pizza from last Wednesday? Poof, into thin air.

My 40-piece chicken nugget for my birthday

has just vanished. You're acting crazy.

Am I?

Am I? Am I?

Talk about.

Don't ease the tension with dance.

I can't believe

you've never been to that Korean spa.

I can't either. I thought I'd been to every spa.

This place does an akasuri face scrub that is life-changing.

Better than the abalone sea kelp wrap?

Brad, do you have any idea what these two are talking about?

Oh, yeah, see, a scrub can really exfoliate your face,

but a wrap, now, that just gets in there.

Nope, no clue.

I like beer, man. And rattlesnakes.

Jane, I have some free spa passes.

I'd love for you to go with me.

I would love that. Good.

You guys can watch the game while we go to the spa. Great?

Yeah. Yeah, that'd be awesome.

That's gonna be horrible.

Your voice gets high when you don't wanna do something.

What? "I love tofu spare ribs."

"I'll go wine country with your parents."

"I'll take care of you after you finish with me."

I don't do that. Whatever. I work with Carl,

but I don't wanna be friends with him.

Brad, we've talked about this.

You need to be open to new things, new experiences.

I'm open to new experiences.

You've worn the same costume for the past 15 years.

I love it!

Double Snookis!

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

There's my fresh fly posse. Ah, yes.

Where my dog pound at?

Where my dog pound? Yes.

What? Arsenio's timeless.

Look, I really like Carl and Dianne.

They're sophisticated, and married.

We could really learn from them.

Fine, I'll go on a dude date with Carl.

But I want one of those sea kelp face wraps.

I like my T-zone all supple and dewy.

Damn it, why does that turn me on?

Uh.

A lot of cute guys here tonight.

Not what I'm looking for.

It's been a while since you and Dave split up.

Maybe you should think about dating again.

I don't think I'm ready yet. Are you sure?

I feel like tonight's perfect

for you to get back out there. I don't think so.

Well, what if you were stuck in a trap in the woods

and a cougar was trying to eat you.

Would you date then? That's insane.

Why would that happen? Forget that.

Maybe your dad is the head of elite unit,

and he only has 24 hours...

The point is, would you date? I guess.

I knew it. Hi.

I'm Clark. This is Pete.

Surprise double date! Waiter, round of sambucs.

You're welcome.

Can you believe Penny surprise-double-dated me?

I feel like I was on a UPN reality show.

Crazy.

I hired you to help me paint the store. Not lay around.

Then why'd you bring all these newspapers?

They're four months old, okay?

We're using them as a drop cloth, dumb-ass.

I don't know all your fancy painting terms.

And it's no big deal.

You should be out there dating.

The world is open to you.

Chase your joy, dear Libra. What?

This is your horoscope four months ago.

It says you will meet a tall, dark stranger.

I did get hit on by Dr. Sanjay Gupta.

You got hit on by him and didn't tell anybody?

Yeah. Hey, Al.

When you were living with Dave,

did he ever steal your leftovers,

maybe throw them out? It's happening.

What's happening? Is this a conspiracy?

Are you all doing this because I'm chubby?

I retain water like a pregnant woman

in a humid climate, which is a real condition.

Dave is a sleepwalker, okay, and he does crazy things.

Eating, repotting plants.

He even sang all the songs from Les Mis, and he nailed it.

What did he do? He said he'd never seen Les Mis.

It was very weird. About the sleepwalking.

Oh! Totally denies it.

Gonna have to catch him in the act.

Need night-vision goggles, high-end, military grade.

Runs about 9000-10,000. How much are you paying me?

Fifty bucks and a box of cheddar bunnies.

Damn! I need those things.

Just ask Jane if you can borrow her nanny cam.

Why does Jane have a nanny cam?

I like to know what our stuff is doing when we're not here.

Okay, we had some workers that I didn't trust,

and then he fell in love with the teddy bear.

Trying to catch Brad doing something?

Yes, damn it, why hasn't it worked yet?

Hey, honey. Hi, babe.

So I hope your niece likes the teddy bear

and there's only eight gigabytes of hugs to give.

So what are you trying to film?

You know about the teddy cam?

Of course. It's cool. I learned how to use it to my advantage.

Hey, babe?

Max found this place with the best prime rib.

It's in a strip club, but I'm just going there for lunch.

Of course, Boo.

Oh, my ne...

Why can't I say it? Fine.

My ne... Changed my mind immediately.

I'm gonna get on the bus with this,

buy a sandwich, and catch a sleepwalking Dave.

Nothing there makes you reassess what you're doing?

Nope. All right.

Bye, Jane. Bye.

So how'd drinks go with Carl?

Oh, it was cool. Carl's a good guy.

Oh, I'm so happy because I really, really like Dianne,

although I can't believe all the stuff they've been through.

What's that, now? You don't know?

The whole Ethiopian adoption process?

How they lost money from a bogus orphanage?

What did you guys talk about while you watched the game?

Mmm, these nachos have beans in them.

Mmm. I love beans.

Okay, these are going to be

our new good couple friends. Okay.

So you need to just open up to Carl

and let him open up to you.

Right, open up. Yeah.

Emotionally, right?

Okay, clean it up. I was just checking.

Hey! What up, Brad?

Hands are kind of full, bro.

Oh, yeah, they are.

Hey, uh, Carl, um,

Jane told me about you and Dianne and the adoption thing.

Oh, yeah. If you need to talk about it,

I could make me be that person who you do that, forthwith.

I really appreciate it.

Oh, no problem, bro.

And Dianne told me about the huge problems

you're having with Jane

and you had to go to couple's therapy

so if you wanna talk, I'm listening.

Yeah, man, sounds great, man.

Wait, who went where, now?

Dude, I'm here for you.

Oh.

I guess that's worse than the high-five, huh?

All right, let's be Rambos out there, right?

Yeah, man.

You're First Blood, I'm second blood.

Oh, man.

Aha. Got you, Dave,

you falafel-stealing bastard.

I said I was sorry about the double-date thing.

It's time for some tough love. Dave's been dating a lot.

Like "a lot" a lot?

Like, DiCaprio a lot? Seriously. I don't care.

He even slept with Tracy Labarski.

From high school? That slut.

Kind of harsh. I meant Dave.

Where's Dave? He park his truck here?

He took it to Wrigley, why?

I have proof that he's been stealing the food,

which makes it okay for a grown man

to carry a teddy bear in public, if anyone asks.

Max, has Dave been dating a lot?

Tough love. Yeah.

He's on fire. Like John Mayer on fire.

Is that more or less than DiCaprio?

More. Wow!

Yeah. I didn't realize.

I know. Okay.

You know what, guys? I think I'm ready.

I am ready to start dating again.

Great. There's a single booze cruise on Lake Mich.

We play our cards right, we are drunk

off Skinnygirl Margaritas by 7,

we are knee-deep in investment bankers by 9.

I'm in.

Oh, was I not invited?

Did you tell Dianne we went to couple's therapy?

What are you talking about, Biscuit?

No, no, no. No Biscuit, no Boo,

no sweetie, no black Han Solo.

None of these'll get you out of this.

Now, did you tell her that?

Okay, I did, but only because she shared so much.

I had to say something.

Yeah, but couple's therapy?

I don't know, couple's therapy.

Right? Us?

Couple's therapy? That's crazy.

Woman, what did you do?

Technically, we did not go, but after Alex and Dave split up,

I was so freaked out I went to see a couple's therapist

to make sure we were okay, so I thought I'd meet a few.

You know, see who fit.

You auditioned therapists? How many?

Five. Five?

See, I thought maybe we had trouble communicating,

but the first doctor said we just had different styles.

Then I needed to bring up issues sooner, and he had bad breath.

The third one looked like a female Scott Bakula,

which just stressed me out,

because I am way behind on my Men of a Certain Age,

and you know how Mama likes a clean DVR.

The fourth one asked me why I went to so many therapists.

Did not like him at all.

The fifth one made me realize that I have an amazing husband

and a great marriage, so all is good in the neighborhood.

Good. Great. Okay, you're mad,

but I wouldn't have had gone to them

if I thought you'd be open to it.

Oh, so now it's on me.

Okay. All right, fine.

Whoa, where are you going? To work,

because my wife's insane. I am not insane, okay?

Doctors one, three and five confirmed that.

Why are you carrying a teddy bear?

Don't worry about him, he's with me.

Alex told me about your sleepwalking,

and I bet this proves you stole the food.

She told you? Oh, yeah.

I do not sleepwalk! I don't know why every... Aah!

I sleepwalk.

Boom! Gotcha.

You're gonna go to the fridge.

Soon you're gonna... You're walking away from the fridge.

Well, who stole the food, then?

And why was I bowing?

Wait, stop, did you see that? Huh?

Go back. Go back. I am. I am going back.

Okay.

Dude, is there a guy living in our ceiling?

Yes, dude, there's a guy living in our ceiling.

Why are we getting paint from Max's?

He said he had a guy.

Max's bank account is like a garbage bag,

but he's got a paint guy? Makes total sense.

Oh. Hey.

Hi, I'm Malcolm.

I'm, uh, Dave and Max's new upstairs neighbor.

They, uh... I don't have a fridge,

so they said I could come in and use theirs.

I'm Alex and this is Penny.

We came to pick up some paint, which is clearly not here.

That's funny, I'm a painter.

Like Raphael or Michelangelo?

They were Renaissance guys. I'm a conceptual artist.

Like Donatello. He was a sculptor.

I only know three Ninja Turtles, so I'm out.

Who was your favorite?

Um, for art, Donatello,

and for Ninja Turtling, Raphael all the way.

Totally.

Al? Can I talk to you? Mm-hm.

See what happens when you're dating again?

Look what comes along. Him? Really?

He is cute in a Skeet Ulrich kind of way.

He's smart, he's artistic, ask him out.

He is Skeet cute, but... Tracy Labarski.

So I don't know, would you like to get a drink tonight?

We can dive into the whole Ninja Turtling debate?

I can't. Oh.

Got this gallery opening tonight I'm supposed to be at.

Uh, would you, I don't know, like to come with me?

Uh, yeah, I love gallery openings.

Have you been to many?

Uh, like, five, 6000.

Where should she meet you?

Um, say 7:30 at the gallery on West Superior.

That sounds super-erior. You're done.

What was that? Bye.

Sorry.

I'm doing it. I'm so proud of you.

He seems so great.

Ugh, what I wouldn't give to find a nice, normal guy.

You get down here right now, you food thief!

The Russian guy told me there was a crawlspace,

but I never bothered to look. You're afraid of spiders.

My third phobia behind public speaking

and drag queens with no makeup. Let's go up there.

It's pretty high.

Come on, let's be men and get up there.

It's really easy. It's really...

Oh, God. Okay, it's hard, it's hard, it's hard.

I got it, I got it.

Don't worry, man. Come on, come on.

Dude. I found another entrance.

It had stairs. Way easier.

This place is not as creepy as I thought it was gonna be.

I thought it was gonna be putting the lotion,

but this guy's got pretty good taste in shirts.

He's actually a pretty good artist.

You could totally see the pain on this guy's face.

Oh, my God. He took our Apple Smacks.

This has gotta stop.

We are staying here until this bastard... Oh, my God,

It's the biggest spider I've ever seen!

No, my bad.

It's just a ball of wire.

Dave?

Dave?

Hey, B-Rad. What's wrong, man?

You were so quiet in that meeting.

You didn't even laugh when Peterson whipped out

his classic O.J. impression.

Classic Peterson.

Right?

Oh, man, I love that impression.

Yeah. Can I bounce something off you?

I'm a trampoline, bro.

Bounce whatever you want.

Uh, Jane went to couple's therapy without me.

She didn't think I'd be open to it, but that's not the point.

I just don't think we have real problems.

You probably don't. Women,

they got a problem factory up here,

but, uh, that being said,

you've got to let her know that she can talk to you

if she has concerns.

I mean, marriage is a two-way street.

You're right. Thanks, man.

No problemo, senor.

Gracias.

You know what, man?

This right here? This is nice.

Look, uh, now that I've got your ear,

um, I've been meaning to share something with you.

Oh, man, share it up, dude. I am the share-man of the board.

Uh, Dianne and I, we've been having some problems...

I'm sorry about that, man.

...finding someone to share our bed with us.

Uh, like...

Like a... Like a dog?

There'll probably be a leash involved.

Right?

That got weird.

That got so weird. I know.

This whole thing's weird. You're great. Yeah.

Hey, nerds, I got huge news.

Okay, Dave, I really hope you can be mature about this.

I may have pushed Alex to go on her first date,

post the whole non-wedding thing. You cool with that?

I'm totally cool with that. You sure? It's gotta be tough.

No, it's totally easy for me. Is he handsome, successful?

Ah, it doesn't matter. Is he tall?

He's actually your neighbor. A cute guy who lived upstairs.

Where have you been hiding him?

Oh, my God, what have I done?

Set up Alex with a homeless squatter.

A homeless vigilante squatter. We have to stop this.

Hi. Hi.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't accuse you

of not communicating when I don't give you a chance to.

It's okay, babe, I'm sorry too.

I need to be better at letting you know you can talk to me.

Aw, I love my black Han Solo.

Mmm. Oh, and thank you

for pushing me to open up to Carl.

He opened up to me and we got to a really great place.

See? I knew we could learn a lot from them.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, we learned a lot,

and they have so much more to teach us, like...

Oh, speaking of which... Hi.

Hi. Hey.

I am so glad that you and Brad are clicking,

because I really like you guys.

Oh, we like you too, Jane. A lot.

I like you even more.

Well, that's great. What do you say the three of us

go across the street, check in a hotel, shave down,

and let our bodies do the talking, huh?

Wouldn't that be so fun?

No, seriously, we wanna have sex with you.

That was insane. They wanted to get down with my vagina.

What are you complaining about? I didn't even get invited.

But you gotta admit, they are a very open couple.

Okay, I deserve that.

I'm happy you got me to open up.

Instead of doing it with creepy guys at work

or therapists that look like Scott Bakula,

let's just do it together. Yes.

And go back to our normal friends.

Thank goodness.

Who are on their way to stop Alex

from dating some guy who lives in Max and Dave's ceiling.

I love those crazy kids.

Alex, wait.

You can't date this guy. What are you doing?

Stopping you from making a mistake.

What? You get to date half of Chicago.

Tracy Labarski, by the way. Ew.

And I finally go on one date and you show up and ruin it?

Al, Skeet Ulrich lives in Max and Dave's ceiling.

Wait. You're Max and Dave.

Yeah. That's right.

You do not take someone's Apple Smacks

without getting a serious beat-down.

You can't act hard when you're talking about cereal.

Yeah? if I do a couple of warning lunges at him, huh?

Some maniac blinks, huh? I am so lost.

A friend told me about this.

I was only there until I sold a painting.

But I've never actually seen Dave and Max, just heard them.

Wait, you're Alice. Who's Alice?

Oh, Dave mourned the end of the relationship for days.

Uh, I thought he was saying Alice, but it was hard to hear

through the sobbing. Sobbing?

You didn't. You heard me not sobbing

and being over it. What does that sound like?

I'll tell you later.

I called the series Dave's Despair.

I thought the emotional pain

in those paintings looked familiar.

You're a super-talented artist.

But you do not steal from people.

You're right, I'm sorry. Is that my shirt?

What? That is just... I'm gonna exit through the gift shop.

Wait, you squat in their crawlspace?

Yeah, I'm a rebel, can you dig it?

I know. But, uh, I don't think

we should see each other anymore.

There's a bro code and I can't do that to him.

Sorry, kid.

What?

So, clearly, someone is trying to tell me

that I am not ready to date yet.

Oh, by the way, and I know I don't have a say in it,

but when you're ready, I promise I'll be cool with it.

Thank you.

In fact, there's a guy living under my steak truck.

I could introduce you.

He's got a nice, full beard. Stop it.

What is going on with you and this diet peach iced tea?

Oh, this isn't for us. Malcolm, incoming.

Hey, thanks, man.

Enjoy the shirt!

Cool. Oh, hey, do you have a belt I could...

A brown one would be... Coming at you.

This guy's awesome.

Ladies, gentlemen, Alex,

I like to call this The Legend of Sleepy Dave.

Enjoy.

- Wow! - Skill I didn't know I had.

This is sad.

Are you checking your pulse?

You never jog in real life.

- Oh, pretty good form. - That's really good.

Cookies with the push-up? Bold.

- This is... - A tour de force.

Is it gonna get sexy? Yeah, it gets sexy right here.