All language subtitles for Happy.Endings.S01E08.1080p.BluRay.x264-YELLOWBiRD

Jane, this brunch is amazing.

Oh, please, I was just reading
some cooking blogs

and got a little Epicurious
and decided to just

throw together
whatever looked fun.

Candied walnuts?
These are fantastic.

Make them yourself?
Couldn't have been easier.

You crack them, hull them,
toast them,

brush them with olive oil,

rub with cayenne pepper,
some turmeric,

cinnamon sugar
and put them in the oven

for a roast,
flipping every five minutes

for an hour and a half.

Are you crying?
A little bit. I'm just so tired.

I hate to be the girl that makes

every conversation about her,
but let's be honest...

You are.
Yeah, I am.

I'm going on a blind date

with the most amazing-sounding
guy, Roger.

People still named Roger?
You gotta cancel.

You have a date with me.
My parents are in town.

You're my girlfriend of three years.

I totally forgot
they were coming.

I'm sorry,
I can't be your beard.

One single date
with some stranger

is more important
than what we fake have?

Yeah, and honestly,
I'm sick of being your beard.

For someone who behaves
nothing like a gay guy,

you have less of an idea
how to act like a straight guy.

How about these things, huh?

Can't get enough of these,
am I right?

Yeah.
Then you followed it with

"Don't even get me started with
what's going on down there."

What am I gonna do?
You come out.

Ugh, coming out is so gay.
And why should I?

My parents only visit
like once every two years.

Hey, I can be your beard,
but I wanna be named Larissa

and I'm a sculptress.

Jane, will you do it?
Why me?

Why not me?
You're my only hope.

I just offered.
Jane, there is no one else.

Wait, can nobody hear me?
Am I a ghost?

Yes.
It's nothing personal.

I just personally feel
that Jane would be better at it.

How is that not personal?
It's true.

I'd be an awesome beard.
Parents love me.

So you'll do it?
No, Max, it's time to come out.

Jane's right.
Look, I hear you guys.

Alex, will you do it?
No.

I offered three times
and you insulted me to my face.

That's only because I thought
I had someone better.

I mean, ugh, ugh.

I don't know where
I'm gonna find a perfect girl

to play a beard by 7.
Hey, I got a crazy thought.

Put you in a dress and lipstick,
like sexy Bugs Bunny?

Idiot, come out to your parents.

It won't be that bad,
they're sweet liberal Jews.

You never know
how they're gonna react.

They're obsessed with grandkids.
They are gonna freak

when I tell them
I can't have kids.

You could still have kids.
I don't want kids.

Max, these are just excuses,
all right?

I know it's hard, but come on.

You should tell them tonight.

I'll come with you
for moral support.

You'd do that for me?
Of course, because I love you.

Plus my dad's gonna pay
for dinner.

Yeah. I'm gonna get two apps
and probably a steak.

Yeah, crab mashed potatoes.
Love me some crab mashes!

Unbelievable.

I spent three hours
and nobody noticed

the homemade napkin rings.
I noticed.

Can you point them at the table?
Why you gotta do that?

Ugh, was it wrong that I didn't
wanna be Max's beard?

I just think he'd be happier

if he were honest
with his parents.

Totally.
Didn't it take you six months

before you told your parents
you're living with a black guy?

Had nothing to do with race.
They don't see color,

they see sleeping
with their daughter.

I sleep the sleep out of that.
I know you do.

I just needed
to tell them in my own time.

As opposed to Max, who has
to tell his parents he's gay tonight

because his friends
think he should.

No, that is totally different.
How?

Why you gotta do that?

Excuse me, are you Sarah?

No, oh, and I'm guessing
you're not Roger.

Is it too late to say that I am?

Is it too early to say,
"How do you like your eggs?"

Sorry. When I get nervous I turn
into Blanche from Golden Girls.

I'm a Sophia man, myself.

Oh.
I'm Doug.

Hi, Penny.
You're waiting for a blind date?

I was. I've been here a half an
hour. Think I've been stood up.

Penny? Penny Hartz? Penny Hartz?

Penny Hartz?

It looks like
I've been stood up too...

Wanna give him another minute?
I'm good.

You sure?
Yeah.

Okay. You want a drink?

Yes, please.
All right.

Oh, Max..
Hey, Max, we're here.

Over here. We're here.
You see us?

Nope, they're not here.
Let's go.

Hey, it's gonna be all right.

Now man up
and tell them you like dudes.

Get over here now.

Hey, Mom.
Hello, sweetheart.

Hey, good to see you.
Hi, honey.

You warm enough?
Yes, I'm warm enough.

Hi, Dad.
Oh, and Dave too.

How are you?

Dave,
this is such a nice surprise.

Where's Penny?
We were so excited to see her.

Oh, she couldn't make it.
Why?

She's busy.
They broke up.

Well, which is it?
Busy? Broke up?

Ooh, you know,

breakups are a bit of a hot
button issue for this guy.

Dave, honey,
do you wanna talk about it?

Max is the one who...
From what Max told us,

Alex leaving you
was the best thing

that could've happened.
What I've been saying.

Now you're free
to be who you are.

Exactly.
And find happiness with men.

Yes! Wait, what's that
with the men thing?

Could you give us
a quick second?

I'm gonna order one more drink.

Quick sidebar,
my parents think you're gay.

What?
Like, super-gay.

Why?
Maybe the Ellen haircut.

In college my parents saw
my porn under my mattress

and I panicked,
I said it was yours.

Why would my porn
be under your mattress?

I said you used to lie in my bed
and were obsessed with me.

You are not good under pressure.
I know that.

We are clearing this up
once and for all.

Howard, Pauline,

Max has something
he's been meaning to tell you

for a long, long time.

Uh, this is, uh,
kind of tough to say,

but, um, Dave's gay.

Well, honey, we knew that.
Yeah, it's pretty obvious.

Max?
All right.

The reason I'm not dating Penny
anymore is because I'm, um...

Hey, Boo. So sorry I'm late.

Hi.
Hi.

- I'm dating Jane now.
- Ah.

Hmm, get a load of these, huh?

I love lady parts.

Oh, do you?
Yes.

I can't believe we just met.
You're so easy to talk to.

You too.
Usually on first dates,

I feel so much pressure
to pretend I read.

I know, I hate reading.
Ugh.

Here you go.
Uh, no, let me get this.

So sweet.

Penny?

Penny Hartz?

Penny?

Hey, can I take you
to dinner tomorrow night?

This bar is fine
for a blind date,

but you deserve to be taken
somewhere exceptional.

Wow, how are you still single?

I could ask
the same thing about you.

Excuse me for a second.

Ooh, a black card.

Are you enjoying
your reward points, Mr. Hitler?

Mom, Dad, I'm so happy you get
to meet my new girlfriend.

And, honey, so glad
you got to make it.

I am gonna grab a chair.
I'll help you with that chair.

Jane.
So?

You don't wanna help
with your chair?

That must be quite a chair.
Yeah.

What are you doing here?
Max was gonna come out tonight.

I decided it is not up to us
to push him if he is not ready.

You're gonna let him live a lie?

Don't talk
to my girlfriend like that.

If you're gonna do this,

there's a lot of back story
you need to know.

Don't worry,
I am gonna crush this.

I am parent heroin, okay?

Pauline, Howard, it is so great
to finally meet you.

I have an awesome
weekend planned.

Pauline, tomorrow morning,
you, me, outlet malls,

and then at noon,
Howard and I are gonna tee off,

bring your wallet,
I am not gonna go easy on you.

Really? That is so great.
You're not too busy?

No, I would do anything
for the two people

who made this guy possible.

Right, honey?
Yeah.

Come here, come here.
What? Okay.

Dave, don't be jealous.

You'll meet your knight
in shining armor.

I'm not jealous,
because I'm not gay.

Two scotches,
and here's your daiquiri.

Really, guy?
That's your timing?

Interesting name, "Heitler."
It's "Hitler."

Not pronounced Heitler?
No.

Could it be?
Uh, this always happens.

Whenever girls hear my name,
all they can think is,

is he related to that Hitler?

I'm not thinking that.
Are you?

Of course not.
There's no relation at all.

Your family never considered
changing their name?

The American Hitlers came
to this country 200 years ago.

We were regular, solid citizens.

My cousin, Ron Hitler,

owns the second-largest
mattress chain in the Midwest.

Does he sell
a lot of Mein comforters?

That's good.

Look, you seem great
and I swear I am normal.

So can we go back
to when you were just Penny

and I was just Doug,

a guy hoping you would have
dinner with him?

Yes, yes, I would love
to have dinner with you,

Doug Hi... Doug.

Takes some getting used to, huh?
Yes. Yes, it does.

So,

they loved me.
Knew they would.

I mean, I'm not surprised.

I was funny, warm, affectionate.

That's great, babe.

How affectionate?
Oh, we held hands,

some nuzzling,
kissed once or twice.

You kissed Max?
Well, I had to sell it.

I mean, I was on fire.

I worked in some Yiddish,
a little golf talk.

Was there tongue?

Why are you being so weird?
He's gay.

Is he? Seems convenient.
Is this really bothering you?

No, I'm not really jealous.

I know I'm your only Boo-Boo.

Oh.

Hey, Boo. It's Max.

So?
You nailed it.

Yes, I knew it, I knew it.
I'm parent heroin.

They have got a Jane addiction,
and it's bad.

I'm talking shaking
at a bus stop

willing to do downstairs stuft
for a nickel bag of me bad.

So should I pick your mom up
at 9 tomorrow, or...

That's what I was calling about.

My dad has this business thing
that came up,

and they're on,
like, a 6 a.m. flight.

Oh, well, that's too bad.
Yeah, they're bummed.

But Operation Beard was a huge
success. I owe you big-time.

If you ever want
to get into a country club,

and you're looking for
a fake white husband,

I'm your guy.

They're leaving early.

God, I was so looking forward
to hanging out with them.

No. Feels dirty now.

I had the weirdest date
last night.

Hey, I made out with Max in
front of his parents last night,

so you might not wanna play
weird date poker with me.

You decided to go? How was it?
Nailed it. They loved me.

They had to leave early but
Max said they were devastated

they didn't get
to spend more time with me.

Really? Because they look like
they're doing okay to me.

Hello, Max.

I'm sorry, did I startle you?

You're not sorry.

You're sitting alone
in my apartment in the dark.

You meant to do that.

I just wanted to come by,

make sure your parents
got off okay.

Yeah, it's great, fine.

You sure?

No long lines at the terminal?

No delays?

No, smooth, you know.

Oh, good.
Good, good, good,

because there can be such
a long wait

for a table at Emma's.

Yeah, well,
since their review came out,

you know. if I...
All right, fine.

They're still here. They're not
leaving till tonight.

Why did you tell me
they were leaving?

They loved me.
Hmm.

They didn't love me?
Ugh.

But I killed.

I don't think you understand

what "killed" means
in this context.

So the other night, Maxie
and I got in our first fight,

and I tried to stay mad at him,
but look at this punum.

How could you stay mad
at this punum?

How could you?
Oh, give me this punum.

Oh.

But you know, you know,

you know, since he gets it
from this guy, huh?

Mm, look at you.

Oh, this shiksa's gotta pish.

She's even learning Yiddish.
Boy, she's a keeper.

Yes, I am.
I know, I know. I know.

God, I can't stand that woman.

Thought you liked her.
What did you think we liked?

The bizarre amount of time
she French-kissed you in public?

Or her continuous use
of Yiddish?

It's bordering
on the anti-Semitic.

- That girl is so... Hey!
- Hey.

We're gonna have to put a bell
on you.

Oh, ding, ding, ding.
Come here.

I thought
I was doing you a mitzvah.

Enough with the Yiddish.

Okay, this one or this one?

I think you should wear pants.

You know, it'll give you
more freedom to goosestep.

I can't find that funny.
Oh, come on.

I wikied World War ll
just for this conversation.

What are you and Hitler
gonna do tonight?

Movie, dinner, invade Poland?
Are you done?

Got one more.
I hope he's Mr. Reich.

Glad we waited for that one.
Right?

Do you think I'm crazy,
going out with him?

I mean, if we got married,
okay, this is my future,

Penny Hitler,
Doug and Penny Hitler.

Mr. and Mrs. Douglas Hitler.
The "Douglas" helps a little.

You just keep Penny Hartz,
or you can hyphenate it.

Penny Hartz-Hitler.
That's a winner.

If this guy's last name
is the worst thing about him,

that's not so bad. I mean, he
sounds like a pretty great guy.

You know, you're right.

What does a name even matter?
I mean, who cares?

I dated that Turkish guy,
Ahneed Jirnutz.

Oh, I liked AJ.
What went wrong with that?

Hey, Max.
Is this Alex,

or is this Larissa
the sculptress

with the sultry voice?

What happened to Jane?

She tanked, you were right.

Please, Al,
I really need your help on this.

That's all I needed to hear.
Just give me the deets,

and Larissa is on her way.

Eight-thirty? Okay.

Thank you so much.
Oh, could you do me a favor?

Go easy on the Jewish stuff?

Jane tried it,
not well-received.

Got it.

I am gonna be Max's beard.

So weird you wanna do that.
Have fun with Hitler tonight.

Make sure he doesn't get
in your Panzer. What? Boom!

Dude, why do you need
another beard?

Your parents already think
you're straight.

Yeah, my mom is Jewish.

If I don't find a girl
she likes,

she's gonna start setting me up
with all her friends' daughters.

Then why not just come out?

Your parents are cool
with me being gay.

Your dad can't stop telling me
how much he loves Mamma Mia.

Well, you're not their son.
They're here four more hours.

It's easier this way.
Really?

Because it seems like
a lot of work.

Work? You ever been on
a six-hour architectural tour

with Miriam Schechter's
daughter, Chuchel?

Chuchel Schechter's Jewish?

Only in the face.

How could they not like me?

I like you,
that's all that matters.

I know what happened.
I tried too hard.

Probably came off
a little needy.

I should go over there
and show them easy, breezy Jane.

There's an easy, breezy Jane?
Should I wear pearls?

Don't do this.
You're right.

No pearls, keep it simple.

You did your job,
his parents think he's straight.

Don't go there.
It's not about you.

You're right, it's not about me.

Now let's go upstairs.

Why don't you lose all of that.

Whoa.
And let's make it all about you.

Okay.

Make it all about me.

What time is it?
Sex o'clock.

Damn it. Jane? Don't do...

Hi.
Hey, come on in.

Thank you.
Wow, you look great.

Oh, thank you.

So, Penny, I am really glad
you decided to go out with me.

Me, too. It was silly.

I really, honestly, I don't have
a problem with your name.

In fact, I kinda like it,
Doug Hitler.

I'm gonna go grab my bag because
I'm going on a date with Hitler.

Sound good to you, Hitler?

Oh, sure.
Mm, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler.

So I made us a reservation
at this cute little, uh...

Mmm, is something wrong?

What's this?
Uh, eh, nothing.

Are you obsessed with me?

What? No, uh-uh. No, no, no.
I was just testing it out,

to see if I could get on board
with your name.

You seem a little
too on board with it.

Trying to imagine
how it would be in the future.

After one drink.
Um...

Oh, I see what this is.

You're one
of those Hitler freaks

and I'm the ultimate
memorabilia.

Ha, ha. Wait, what?
You weirdoes always find me.

So what? You wanna take me
to some rally?

Show me off or something?
No, okay.

This is not what it looks like.
Can we start fresh?

Eeh.

Now, that's gonna be hard
to explain.

Yeah.
Huh.

Where is Alex?
She's, like, 20 minutes late.

It's better this way.

This dinner can be about
you coming out and me coming in.

Darling, I want to talk to you
a minute. So, Maxie, honey,

I know that you're still
with Jane,

but Barry Schkolnick's niece,
Carrie Schkolnick,

just graduated Brandeis,

and is looking for someone
to show her around.

Just as friends, but who knows?

Oh, thanks, Dave.
Your next daiquiri is on me.

Thanks. Stop that.

Max, don't you have something
you wanna tell them?

Uh, yeah,
I do have something to tell you.

Pauline, Howard! You need
to give me a second chance.

You gotta give Jane
a second chance.

I'm in love with her.
Max...

Jane, you're only
gonna make things...

Dude, what the freak, man?

Stop sucking my wife's face.

You're married?
How could you?

Who is this man?
Max.

All right, I'm not in love
with Jane. That was a lie.

But the truth is, it's...
It's kinda hard to say.

Why, sweetie,
what could be so hard?

Hey, babe, I am sorry I'm late.

I had problems sculptressing.

This is my new girlfriend.

Max!
You called Alex?

Who's Alex? I'm Larissa.

Alex?
This is Alex?

The Alex who left you?
Yes.

So you're cheating
on your married girlfriend

with your best friend's
ex-fiancé?

That's why she left him?

And also because he's gay.

This is so strange.

You know, Max, you should
have stayed with that Penny.

She was a nice, normal girl.

Hey, guys, guess what? I
finally decide I'm into Hitler

and it turns out I'm too much
of a Nazi for him.

What?
Oh, hey, Mr. and Mrs. Blum.

Two sluts and a Nazi?

What are you into, Max?
Uh, dudes.

I'm into guys.

What did he say?
I'm gay.

You're... You're gay?
Oh.

Yeah, I wanted
to tell you sooner.

I just... I didn't know
how you were gonna react,

and I... I was scared.

So,

you're not dating
any of these women?

I'm not, no.

Oh, thank God.
What a relief.

What a relief.

Okay.
What? You're not upset?

Sweetheart, you never need
to be scared

to tell us anything.

What matters to us
is that you're happy

and that you're surrounded
by people who love you.

And I love you, Max.

I'm so sorry
I was such a terrible beard.

I'm not gonna lie, you sucked.

But you did get me here,
so thank you.

Come here, tataleh.
Oh...

Not you.
Right.

You.

I told you coming out
would be gay.

Oh, you know who's gay
is Rhoda Kaplan's son,

and he owns a discotheque.

Oh, and Irma Schaefer's son
just came out.

He has three kids.

Howie, we'd have grandchildren.

Actually, he's spoken for.

I knew it.

Aw.

I appreciate what you're doing,
but you're not my type.

So we reviewed your application.
It seems like you're perfect

for Glen Oaks Country Club,
Mr. and Mrs. Williams.

Please, call me Bradford,

and call her intellectually
inferior, am I right?

That's funny.

Your application
says you like to sail.

I don't like it, sir.

I love it.
Mmm.

The sea breeze fiowing
through my chest hair?

The way my bare feet feel
on the deck?

Mmm-hm.
The seagulls whizzing by,

speaking in their bird language.

Getting the picture.
Caw! Caw you!

Caw you, girl!
Mm, audio.

So tell me,
what marina do you dock in?

Um, well, the... Honey, the...

There's the... The Dennis Marina.

De-nis.

That was founded
by Dennis Franz,

actually, in a weird twist.

Hmm-mm.

Wow.

Get a load of these, huh?
Here we go.

Ha-ha! There they are.

So, ahem,

you'll keep us on file?