Original subtitles

Look at our little Dave Rose making friends.

Five bucks he's telling her about the time he ran across Michigan Ave.

- To save that puppy. - No way.

He's telling the story where he picked up that fumble

and ran it back for a touchdown.

And boom! Football. There it is. Pay up, player.

Hold up. That's a puppy dog.

Oh! Let's hope it was a football

or else we have not heard the complete story about the puppy.

Whoa. That girl's super into you.

I know. She even liked my re-enactment

of the first scene of Temple of Doom.

Ah, of course. It's the go-to move.

Oh, hey, uh, guys, this is Andrea.

Actually, it's Andrea.

Andrea. Andrea.

Andrea. Andrea.

Okay. ha, ha.

I am Max. This is Brad. You know Dave.

Ha, ha. Your friends are so funny.

I'm gonna grab my purse. Okay.

Don't go anywhere. Boop.

Ha, ha.

I mean, she's totally lame, but super hot, right?

You should boop that. Not ready for a relationship.

No one's talking about a relationship.

I'm talking taking fedora home, doing stuff and never calling.

- I'm back! - Oh.

You are a gosh darn delight.

Dave, let's get out of here. Um...

Okay. Yeah. Okay, boop!

I do not understand people that express themselves through touching.

I know, right? All right, I'm out.

Ah! Stop!

You can't touch this. You can't touch this.

Oh. Oh.

I'll see you, buddy.

What the hell?

Give me that.

What? I could use extra cash for the store

and decided a roommate might be a good idea.

Trying to get sold into white slavery?

It's a cute picture.

Oh, my God, is that side boob?

Oh, my God... No, no, no. It's just leaves.

Whatever. I'll find someone cool and fun,

and it'll be okay.

Honey, this is a big decision, okay?

You have a terrible habit of seeing the good in people.

I'm not sure that's bad.

You're not the best judge of character.

That's crazy. Babe, this is Zane.

He just moved into the building.

He's introducing himself to the neighbors.

Legally, I have to.

Would you like me to help you?

Jane, I can handle this.

I could make one... Jane!

Okay.

Dude. Stop him. Stop. Dude!

No football. Come on. Let's go to the farmer's market.

There's a show at Chew La La and then we can brunch it up.

Know what sounds more fun? Watching Schindler's List.

You're the worst gay husband ever.

I don't see no ring on this finger.

What's Jane doing? She's relaxing.

Just a pitch.

Wouldn't it be easier to find these

in the shelving section? I know what you're thinking.

Is this woman questioning the organization of a store

whose sole purpose is to help people organize? Yes.

Fine.

Stupid football. Whoo!

Raise your hand if you got laid last night.

Really? Yeah.

Jane gets horny when we use our pizza stone.

I slept with my allergist. College student.

I'm not gonna lie. You guys are stealing my thunder.

No, Dave. Good for you. Are you gonna see her again?

I don't know. She wore a fedora in bed.

Ew. I probably should call her.

No. That is breaking the first rule

of one night stands. I don't wanna be a bad guy.

So I'm just gonna give her a call.

- Don't do it. - I wouldn't call her.

She'll pick up. Oh, hey. Andrea.

There it is. Andrea. Sorry.

I was just calling to say thank you for last night, it...

Breakfast? No.

Um, okay, sure.

- I can be there in 15 minutes. - No.

Guys, relax. It's just an hour. I'll be back.

We'll be watching football and drinking heavily.

Whoa!

Dave, where have you been? Guys, it's all a blur.

We went to eat crepes which led to a walk by the lake.

After that, we went to her apartment to feed her bird.

That's right, guys. She's got a bird.

Then we watched dance videos from high school through college

because she's auditioning for Keisha's world tour.

- Kesha. - Kesha.

Then we went to the museum, where she convinced me

to buy a joint membership because you get free parking.

Damn, Dave. You are stuck in "chicksand."

What is that? It's, uh...

It's quicksand except I replaced the "quick" with "chick."

You're better than that. What am I gonna do?

If you don't wanna see her, tell her. Have the conversation.

No! No. Conversation sucks. Yeah, right. No.

No. You're right. I am an adult

and I'm gonna handle this like an adult.

I'm gonna take a shower and march down there,

and we're gonna have a conversation.

I see how you got "chicksand."

You're an idiot.

Ha, ha. I love veal.

Guys, hey. This is Samantha.

She might be my new roommate.

- Hey! - We'll be in touch.

Yes. Bye. Okay, great. Bye.

Doesn't she seem great? Her hair is amazing.

Yeah. Does her hair have a social security number?

How about her references? How much does she make?

What do you know about her?

She likes vampire books. And Beyoncé.

I have a 13-year-old cousin that's running away.

Maybe he'd make a good roommate for you.

Okay.

We'll have to hang out with who you choose.

Why don't you pick someone fun?

Like a fighter pilot. Or Scottie Pippen.

Oh, you know who you should get is a real gay guy.

- Whoa. - Come on.

You're a straight dude who likes dudes.

I want a gay who will watch house-flipping shows with me

and grab my boobs in a platonic way.

You want a flamboyant,

cartoonish Sex in the City gay? That's offensive.

The heart wants what the heart wants.

You only ever lived with Dave and me.

A lot goes into this decision.

I didn't think of all that.

But I did.

And judging people comes so easy for me.

Which is why you should let me help you.

Okay, fine. You can help. But you're not gonna come in

and take over and get all Jane on me.

Of course not.

I've got some great roommate choices.

Like Becca. She's a marine biologist and notary public,

which means she can teach you about plankton

and witness the signing of documents.

Sounds like such fun.

But I can't do this right now, Jane.

Okay, okay. How about Jessica.

I mean, she's an agoraphobic and a vegan,

which means she will never leave her room

or eat your cheese. You love your cheese...

What do you guys think of this dress?

And no one cares. Yo, Penny.

Girl, that dress looks delish.

What? Things that make you go hm. Ha, ha. Hi.

Gracias. Max, who is this fine man?

Penny, I'd like you to meet Derek.

We played on a gay softball team.

Thought you might get along.

P.S., four balls isn't just a walk, it's a party.

What? Drama! Aah!

Can I touch your tatas? Get in there.

Ah! I feel like I've known you so long.

Ah! Oh, my God. I already miss you.

Are we in a fight? No. I'll get you accessories.

Get out of here. See you soon.

Gay enough for you? Slut! Help me out of this split.

He's the gay of my dreams.

Is Dave still meeting us? I don't know.

I haven't seen him since he went to have

that conversation with Andrea two days ago.

Oh.

What is he wearing on his head?

Bye, Mumu.

Au revoir, doodlebug. Ha, ha.

Guys, I'm in serious trouble.

Oh, what happened, Mumu?

I went to have the conversation,

but before I could, she launched into this whole thing

about how great it is to finally meet a good guy.

And how her last boyfriend stole from her dad

and had sex with her cousins. So I couldn't do it.

You're missing the point... Rich dad and slutty cousins.

Told you. Conversation's hard.

Guys, I've been out of the game too long.

What do I do? Stop calling it the game.

Go with the peter out.

I love the peter out. Stop calling her regularly.

Change your plans. Never go out on a weekend.

In a couple of days, things will just peter out.

No conversation. When you seeing her?

Saturday. Perfect. Text her.

Change it to Wednesday. The least sexy night.

I was surprised you decided to switch plans to tonight.

I didn't know we were quite there yet.

My Saturdays are getting kind of booked, but... Wait.

- Where yet? - Happy birthday!

It's your birthday. Everybody, everybody.

- This is Dave. - Hi, Dave!

Dave, this is my grandma Nellie.

Oh, hi. Nice to meet you.

Boop!

I'm gonna get a Scotch.

Oh, you're so cute.

Jane, what are you doing here?

You never got back to me on who you liked,

so I picked the 10 best candidates

and invited them over. What, when?

Right now. Right now?

Yep. I'm gonna finish getting ready.

You shower, change. Wear whatever you like.

But I laid out a really cute suggestion on your bed.

So wear that.

It was her birthday? Yeah.

She told me while we were having sex the other night.

I thought she was telling me to do her

like it was her birthday.

You're in serious chicksand.

Not a word. I'm making it one.

Can't just make words. I submitted to the dictionary.

You hear back? Almost? Almost.

I need a little help. You're fine.

I mean, you didn't go home with her, did you?

No. Birthday sex? Dude.

The petering out is not working. Apparently, I petered in.

Two and a half times. What's the half?

She said it was a French thing.

Don't panic. Crank it up a notch.

Make this chick realize you are not boyfriend material.

I am awesome boyfriend material, okay?

I like long walks.

I like puddles. Jumping in and jumping out.

I like listening to really long stories

about who sat next to who at yoga.

- I'm in trouble. - You're not.

Do what I say.

By the end of one date, she'll break up.

Show her you're unreliable and cheap and weird.

Wait, dude. That sounds like the plot of a Dane Cook movie.

No. But it should be. It is that awesome.

I know. I know. I'm so late.

I don't own a watch

because what is time anyway but a manmade shackle?

That is almost literally

my high school yearbook quote verbatim.

I hate rushing places. Ha, ha.

Soulmates. Come on.

Al, this is Chelsea. She's from New Jersey.

She works in finance, and she's a volunteer for NPR.

You're from New Jersey?

That is totally the best Real Housewives.

I am legitimately worried about Danielle.

Oh, I don't own a TV. What do you do at night?

I journal. All night?

All these girls look like Jane. Yeah.

It's like they took a Tory Burch store

and emptied it into this apartment.

What's Tory Burch? She's a designer. Preppy,

boho chic meets up... Are you sure you're gay?

Are you sure you're not?

Hey, sluts. Sluts.

Derek and I just came from three farmer's markets.

Heirloom tomatoes are the new beets.

What? D-R-A-M-A.

Drama. Drama. Right there. Veggies.

Do I know that guy? Oh, that's my new BFF, Derek.

Penny Arcade. Help me mock this couch.

Isn't he amazing?

I'm happy for you, Kathy Griffin.

Who's Kathy Griffin? Okay, so you're not gay.

Yeah, I don't have any cash.

And the bank just called, a.k.a. my parents.

I maxed out my credit card breeding boa constrictors. So...

Stop right there.

I love that you can admit that.

I'm happy to pay. Of course you'd wanna do that.

That's great.

Okay, so I have the best story. This is insanity.

We're at Ungo having brunch... Snore.

Ever told a story? I'll take it from here.

Cut to: Cute waiter walks up.

And Little Miss Push-up Bra is so eager to flirt.

Ha-ha! Basically, I said to him...

She spits up her scrambled eggs on his pants.

What? I'm like, "Say it, don't spray it,

you stupid, clumsy bitch."

You're such a clumsy bitch.

You are a clumsy bitch. Oh, my God.

You're right, Pen. He is amazing.

Yeah, yeah. He's hilarious.

Al, this is Trish.

She summitted Mt. Kilimanjaro last year.

They call it Kili, right? And she makes hammocks.

So you guys have a lot in common.

I'm sorry, Trish. You seem great. Really.

But I've already found a roommate.

Oh! Okay.

Eek. Sorry. Thank you, Jane.

So? Who did we choose?

My first choice. Samantha with the red hair.

I don't understand. I introduced you to ten girls

who would make better roommates.

Yeah, for you, okay? But I want someone cool.

I don't care if they look "good on paper"

or have "great references." Or climb "Mt. Kilimanjuju."

Why are you putting everything in air quotes?

Because that's who I am, and I'm sorry

if I don't want to live with any of these boring girls.

Oh. Drama!

Bro, nothing is working.

I think this crazy chick is falling in love with me.

I do not wanna crush her. I have recently been crushed.

It is not fun. What do I do? This is what you do.

Before she gets back from the bathroom,

get down and pray the restaurant explodes.

Act of God? Really, man?

That's the best you've got? Aah!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, my God! I got the job!

I'm gonna be a backup dancer for Kesha's European tour!

I leave Thursday! Oh, my God!

Dude, the restaurant just exploded.

Ah. Oh, God. What's gonna happen to us?

Oh, you can't think about us.

No, no. You just gotta do you, you know?

You can't separate the dancer from the dance.

Oh, my God. You are amazing, Mumu.

After you, doodlebug.

This has been the best date I ever... Aah!

Oh, ah, Andrea?

Are you okay? Andrea. Andrea, are you okay?

She got hit by a bike messenger? Of course she did.

Shut up. I got hit by a cop on a Segway last Halloween. Ugh.

I was wearing nothing but shorts and a feather green boa.

I tried to steal his hat. Cut to: Weekend in Cabo.

Then he went back to his "dumb wife"

because I'm fat. Who are you again?

Oh, that's D-Rock. You'll love him.

Come here. Ha, ha.

Let me know if there's anything I can do.

Maybe I could call her.

Penny Loafer, please. This is not about you.

What you need, are new pants, a couple of shake weights,

and a night out at a Russian foam club with me, okay?

Yeah, he literally needs none of those things.

Right, and there and off.

Look at the bright side. You're out.

She's going to Europe Thursday. No. She's not.

You can't dance with a broken femur.

Debatable.

Because she's gonna be in a cast

and because she lives in a 6-story walk-up

and I feel so bad about what happened that...

She's moving in, isn't she?

Yeah. Drama!

I'm so glad that we're roommates.

I guarantee you none of Jane's nerdy choices

would've ever gotten me this Michael Stars tank top.

You look hot.

Hey, do you mind if I get another DSL line installed

and maybe black out a couple of these windows?

Sure. I guess.

Oh.

Hi, Jane.

If you're wondering how my new roommate is, she's awesome.

I called to say I'm glad it all worked out for you

and I like that tank top on you.

Thanks. How do you know what I'm wearing?

Your awesome Samantha makes a living

by moving in with cute girls, setting up web cams

and charging people to watch.

Oh, my God. That's why she wanted to eat popsicles

and have a cream cheese fight.

Yeah. That's a popular one.

Wait. How did you find this?

- Oh, my God. - I know.

Wait. How did you find this?

Uh, just a pop-up on another thing I was looking at.

What other thing? Uh, a cooking...

Blog. Sports.

This is so crazy.

I mean, I thought Samantha was a cool girl, you know.

Is there any way this is a mistake?

Hey, great, your sister's here.

You guys wanna have a pillow fight or shave your legs?

Do you want me to handle this?

No.

I think we should do this together.

Oh! Go, Alex.

Cute T tops.

So this just popped up on the computer?

Why do people keep asking me that?

I don't control the internet, all right?

Hey, Dave. How's it going? It's going great, Pen.

I've got a crazy girl and a douche bird living in my room

thanks to these two idiots. You guys got any more advice?

Nothing. You got a girlfriend now.

You drowned, bro. In chicksand.

I like it, and I'm taking credit for it.

Derek wants to go to another brunch.

It's like how many egg-white frittatas can a person eat?

Six in one sitting.

But I thought you loved D-Rock. I do.

No, you know what, I don't.

Okay, I thought I wanted

this offensively stereotypical gay guy,

but it's too much.

I feel like it messes with the group dynamic.

It does, Pen.

Because our group already has a stereotypical gay guy.

Front-row tickets to Gaga, bitches!

My disgustingly fat manicurist is, like,

literally trying to kill me.

Hey, bitches. Whoo! Look who's working the puppies today.

You don't need a gay husband.

'Cause you're my gay husband. Aw.

I don't really understand how that works.

But it's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said.

You're welcome. I gotta break up with him.

Move your plans. Peter out.

Least sexual night of the...

Hey. Derek.

It's me. Listen, I don't think we should be friends anymore.

I understand, but it's for the best.

- Goodbye. - Wow.

The conversation really works. Yeah, Dave, it does.

You know what? This ends today.

Drama!

Hi. Andrea.

Andrea. That's what l... Never mind.

Listen, um, we need to have a conversation.

What's up?

Hi, mom.

What?

Oh, my God. No!

Mema Nellie was such a kind soul.

She always carried butterscotch candies

for the grandkids.

I know. I know you can do this.

No, you can, you can do it.

Okay.

Uh...

I remember one day

when I was a little girl in my favorite polka dot dress.

You know what, I can't do this. Andrea, I'm sorry,

but one minute you're booping me,

and then I'm giving the eulogy at your grandma's funeral.

I'm sorry for your loss, by the way.

I don't know. I tried to peter it out,

and then there was this Dane Cook thing,

but every time I tried to get away, you'd pull me back in.

Are you kidding? I pulled you in?

All I wanted was a fun hookup.

But then you called 20 minutes after you left.

And yesterday, you basically asked me

to move in after a week and a half.

I don't think this is the place to talk about this.

I went along because I didn't wanna have the conversation.

The conversation sucks. It blows.

Listen, Dave. You're a really nice guy, okay?

But I think we should see other people.

Okay, well. I'm out of here.

Sorry. Don't apologize.

Chicksand. Yeah.

Boop.

Hopefully this is the last of them.

Why would she put a camera on the bottom shelf anyway?

I don't know. Peeps are into weird stuff.

You show cleave when you reach for the crisper.

Gross. I made three stir frys last week.

When your gut's wrong, it's really wrong.

At least it all worked out. I wouldn't go so far.

Eight thousand dollars?

Last week when I was on smokinghotroomies.com,

I got the most hits ever.

Wow. That's real money... Mm-hm.

Put this thing back in the fridge.

Take your bra off, let's make a salad.

What?