All language subtitles for Happy.Endings.S01E02.1080p.BluRay.x264-YELLOWBiRD

Oh, come on, bro.
Being a black guy

is way harder
than being a gay dude.

Last night, I tried to hail
a cab in a $1,200 suit.

Dude drove right past me

and picked up a white guy
in a "Who Farted" t-shirt.

Boo-hoo. I can't get married,
or into heaven.

You don't wanna do either.

Doesn't matter. Look,
the president's black, right?

Technically,
he's more of a tie-dye.

The point is he would never
have gotten elected

if he was riding in cars
with boys.

You guys are idiots.

All I'm saying is
you'd be surprised.

Jane and I get dirty looks
all the time.

Upside is your kids
are going to be super hot.

I mean,
half-black is God's Photoshop.

Worst case, you're looking
at the chick from Avatar.

She's blue.
No, the actress.

I think she's Puerto Rican.
She's Puerto Rican.

Well, uh, that's the last
of my stuff, so.

So this is it.

I think it was it when
you ran out on your wedding.

I can't do this.

I'm coming. Okay.

Kick-ass!

Too soon?
Yes.

Yeah, so call me
if I left anything...

You're gonna be okay
at Max's place?

What?
Max's place is awesome.

You know what I love
about your place?

It has the look
of a really scary place

but the feel of a really,
really scary place.

Yeah.
Love the exposed wires.

Yup. Exposed wires are
the new exposed brick.

Pippen. Oh. Oh.

All right, boys, I'm out.

You're not gonna
hang out with us?

No can do. Got date night
with the old ball and Jane.

Gonna put on the sweats,

eat a massive amount
of Chinese food

and watch The Bachelor.
Oh, I just fell asleep.

That sounded so horrible.

Yeah, I hate relaxing
in my sweet pad

and having unprotected sex
with my smoking hot wife.

That's terrible.
Ew. Right, guys?

You two have fun, though, okay?

By the way, that's bird poop.

In your apartment.
So there's a bird in here.

Alive.
Yeah.

You know, The Bachelor's
actually pretty legit.

Alex got me into it.

Oh, you know,
those are the nights

I'm gonna miss the most
after eight years together,

just me and her sitting around,

doing nothing, giggling.

Oh, God.

Okay, look, if we're gonna
live here together,

you can't ever say
stuff like that around me.

I'm telling you guys,
I love being on my own.

I mean, I've been
Alex and Dave for so long

I forgot who Alex was, you know?

I'm learning so much about her.

Who is she?
Alex likes sleeping diagonal

and drinking white zinny
from a mug.

You're really eat, pray,
loving your way through this

and it's very admirable.
I don't get it.

I mean, what happened
to you guys?

This was taken five months ago.
I wish I knew, Jane.

I mean, all of a sudden
a romantic night

was watching TV
in our sweatpants,

eating Chinese food,
not talking.

So depressing.

Like depressingly sweet?

Because that sounds
like a couple

that loves each other so much
they don't have to try anymore.

But if you're not
trying anymore,

the relationship is dying. It's
called love drift.

Is that a thing?
I heard it in a book I heard.

What now?
Love drift? Ha, ha.

That just sounds...
Ha, ha. Ahem.

I have to go.
What?

No, wait, we're all hanging out.
It's ladies' night.

Come on.
Let's all hang out together.

Yeah, I'm sorry, Brad and I
are having a date night, so.

Sorry.
Don't do this.

I guess it's just
you and me again.

Yeah.

But I have a great night
planned for us.

I bet you do.
Since you and Dave broke up

you've been planning so many
amazing adventures lately.

You made me go to prom.

Are you happy now, Mom?

Yes.
Oh.

Why don't we stay home,
watch The Bachelor?

I signed us up
for a cooking class.

Great. Cool.

Two single ladies
out on a Friday night

just chopping stuff

and cracking things, whisking.
Yeah.

Janey, I'm home.

Janey, you parked weird again.

Told you about
texting and parking.

Hey, babe, can you grab
my weekend sweats?

I didn't eat all day.

Gotta get my egg roll on.

You know how we do, Boo.

Eat some egg rolls.

Why aren't you in your pants?
Let's go out.

What? No.
I worked 80 hours this week.

Let's focus. Chinese food,
Bachelor, sweatpants, go.

Oh, whoa, wait,
what are you doing?

Living, okay?

You focus. Slacks, fancy.
Dinner, now.

Hold on, wait,
am I in trouble or something?

Because looking at
someone's search history

isn't always a reliable
indicator of their Web habits.

I mean, a small typo
on the word "canal"

and you're in different sites.

Same thing happened to me
when I searched for black Crocs.

I'm sorry?
You're not in trouble.

I just feel like we haven't been
connecting lately.

We connected twice this morning.

I mean, what more
do you want from me?

I am just a human man.

I'm not talking about sex.
I'm talking about sharing,

about being spontaneous,
romantic...

Let's go to that place where
we had our first date, okay?

Okay. I'm so hungry.

That'll be my room.
This is your room.

Playing pretty fast and loose
with the term "room."

Sheets.

These are both fitted.

Is this how it's gonna be
the whole time?

Sorry, I'm used to living with
Alex. Had things a certain way.

You have to stop focusing
on the stuff you had,

start focusing on
all the new stuff you have.

Those chairs
are made out of barrels.

Let's embrace change,
grab some slices of pizza,

down these M. Light Shyamalans

and go out and celebrate
your newfound singledom.

You're right. You know what?
You are right.

I know, I know.
I'm gonna go out tonight

and I'm gonna get
absolutely blackout drunk.

Yes. Let's do it.

Maybe I'll meet somebody. I
could bring her back here,

convince her
to have sex with me,

on this soiled futon
while you sleep nearby.

Sure. I mean,
chicks love a chubby guy

sleeping on the floor.
Reminds them of prom.

Couple months go by,
surprise! Herpes!

Surprise number two,
she's preggos and loves cocaine.

You're going to dark places,
turn it around.

No, we try to make it
work for a while,

but it's only a matter of time

before she runs oft
with a roadie from Pantera.

Before you know it,
I'm a single dad

living in this torture
porn warehouse

with my cross-eyed baby,
Mitchell.

If we're gonna raise
this baby together,

I'm not in love
with the name "Mitchell."

Okay. I can work on that.

People who care about food
too much are weird.

There's always some
sexual connotation to it.

I don't wanna hear about
the mouth feel of your scallops.

Come on, this is exciting.
You and me, cooking.

Namaste, bitches.

Bam! My name,
Chef Leslie LeFevre.

We are gonna do some
intense cooking today.

I want you to be prepared.

Let's kick up the tunes
and prep our station.

Wow. What a douche.

Hey, I'm John.
Hey, Penny.

Listen, you seem great,

but the fact that you come to a
cooking class is strike one.

My wife signed me up.
Oh, strike two and three.

Once we split up,
she got the car,

I got the cooking classes.

It's too bad you have
a terrible lawyer,

because I love cars.

Oh, man. You know what
I love about Steven Seagal?

Everything?

No one would ever even think
about rollerblading

into his wedding
and stealing his fiancée.

No way. You rollerblade
into Seagal's wedding,

you're rollerblading out
with your elbow in your ass.

I totally should
have broke that dude's wrist,

right when he 'bladed in.
Yeah.

That's my problem, man.

I've never been like Seagal.

I've always been more like...
Zach Braff.

Exactly. You thinking what I'm
thinking?

Up in the Air was overrated?
What? No.

It was.
Who's gonna believe

that Clooney's gonna be
alone at that age?

But no, I'm saying we need to
find the Rollerblade guy

and kick his ass.

Can I be real for a second?
Please.

That's the greatest idea
you've had.

Right?
Yes.

I'm sick of being Braff, bro.
Yeah.

You with me?
Yes, I am.

God. I'm pumped up.

There's a storm a' coming!
Oh, yeah, there is!

He can't handle the truth.
No, he can't.

But I do not know
where he lives,

or anything about him,

and you should not be driving.

I'm driving?

I thought you were driving.

So it's gonna be 45 to an hour.

Okay, let's roll.

No, but wait,
this place is special.

Let's talk.
The time will fly by.

Okay, fine.

What's up?

Well, why don't you tell me
your deepest fear?

While we wait for a table
at a restaurant?

Okay, I'll start.

I guess my deepest fear
is that you die first

and our condo goes
all Grey Gardens on me,

and I spend
the last decade of my life

nursing a leg wound
that won't heal

and feeding stray cats
from my mouth.

Yeah. Your turn.

Wow. Uh, all right, um,
sharks.

What? No, come on, seriously.

Okay, fine, ghosts.
Of sharks.

Ghost sharks?
Ghost sharks? Really?

Yeah, it could happen.

What do we know about this guy?

First name's Bo.
He's got a great physique.

Loves to rollerblade.

Chiseled features,
kissable lips.

Just like a handsome dude in a
classic sense.

Come on, that is not...

That's not helping.
Not helping you.

It's helping my spank bank.
Wait, wait.

Alex said they
flirted a little at work.

I'll bet
he did some work for her

at her work, at her store.

Yes, like modeling
or something physical,

like roofing

or maybe carrying me
across a river.

Okay, so the secret to a good
hollandaise is sensuality.

Oh. Right.
And cumin.

I'm just gonna grab this
right over here.

Excuse me.
Sorry.

Okay. Let me just pinch it,

and we put it right in
with our forefingers

and then we just put it
right back over here.

Okay, I like it right
on the edge of the table.

Salt.
Ha, ha. How much salt...

You've gotta grind it.
Penny, you're right.

This is lame, let's get out.

What? No, I'm having fun.
What?

He is an architect named John.
That is a top-two job

and my third favorite name.

What are the chances I'm gonna
meet a point guard named Adam?

Can I at least join you guys?
Mm-mm.

Listen, I'll be your wingman.
No.

No, you are
the worst wingman ever.

John, this is fun, right?

To be honest, I usually
never go out with Penny

because all the cute guys

always go home with her
instead of me.

I mean, not that she goes home
with a lot of dudes.

She's not slutty.
She's not a prude, either.

Okay.

In conclusion, she has
a very healthy sexual curiosity.

What's wrong with you?

So who turned you on
to the class?

Uh, my wife.
Well, ex-wife.

Wow. That's the first time
I've said that, ex-wife.

I'm so sorry.
Did you just split?

Like a long time ago?
Well, it was like a month ago.

This is the back
door to Alex's store.

Real quick,
real simple, simple B&E.

Whoa, man, what are you doing?

What do you want me to do,
knock?

I got the keys, man.
Well, then it's not a B&E.

Your arm's not even gonna reach.

Yes it is, I have huge arms.

No, you don't.
Especially the right one.

You got T. rex arms.

Dave?

Yeah, I can't find anything.

Are all the sizes on the floor,

or does Alex have
more in the back?

Just go to the computer.

Dude, check it out, Bo Bazinski.

That's our man.
Lake Shore Advertising.

Get ready to French my mouth,

his home address is on there.

I didn't realize
he lived on Western.

I had a boyfriend
who lived there.

He's in a biker gang.

You know, uh,
we don't have to do this

if you don't want to do it.

Just tell me one thing.

What would Seagal do
in this situation?

Well, I think
it's pretty cut and dry.

He'd fly over to Bo's house
on an eagle,

leap through the front window,

tear his throat out,
use it as a dream catcher,

and then ride away
on a polar bear.

Just tell me one more thing.
Do you want the truth?

I want the truth.
You can't handle the truth.

Did you order the Code Red?
You're damned right I did!

Why is that something
that you do?

It just feels right.

Let's go.

Let's play a game.

Where do you see us
in five years?

Is that a game?
Mm-hm.

Where's our food?
Answer the question, babe.

All right, five-year plan.

Uh, let's see, nicer house,
nicer car, kids,

maybe a robot
if that's an option by then.

Okay, here we go.
Oh, come on.

They got here like
20 minutes after us.

This is because
we're black on blonde.

You're not taking this
seriously.

Taking what seriously, huh?

This ridiculous "Cosmo" quiz?

I don't think it's ridiculous I
want us to be together forever,

get buried next to each other

and maybe a tree
will grow between our grave

and two kids will have their
first kiss under it.

Does that sound ridiculous?
Yeah, it does.

Why are two kids
kissing in a graveyard?

Maybe they're really big
Twilight fans

or maybe they're
just in love, Brad.

No!

My duck confit.

We're sorry.
We're so sorry.

And you know what
the worst part is?

Not just losing this person
you fell in love with,

you're losing
your best friend too.

Totally. That has been the
hardest part for me for sure.

It's that person
that you check in with

at the end of every night.

You know, sometimes
God closes a door

and then he opens up his heart.

Maybe I should call her.
Should I?

I don't know. There's no rules
in this situation.

I'm sorry, I gotta go.

I'm sorry.

If you love her,
you set her... Whatever.

Ugh, way to go, Goose.

You ready?
Oh, yeah.

Bo Bazinski,
prepare to meet your maker.

The river will run red
with your blood

and I will rip your spine out
and use it as a loofah!

Is Bo here?

Bo hasn't had friends over
in so long.

Uh-huh.
What do we do now?

How do we do this
with his mom here?

Doesn't matter.
She better get on board.

My vengeance knows no age.
Here we are. Have fun.

Thanks, Mrs. B.
Great meeting you.

Bye.

I can do this, right?
Yes, of course.

Now get in there,
and let's finish this.

Sweet line, dude.
If it works.

Let's do this!

You can't handle the truth...

Bo?
Do I know you guys?

You don't remember me, huh?

Are we Facebook friends?

Oh, man, if by "Facebook"
you mean his wedding

and by "friends" you mean no,
the opposite of that word.

Oh, good God, it's you, bro.
That's right, bro.

I have wanted to talk to you
for such a long time.

I did a terrible thing to you,
and I am so, so sorry.

Uh, I wasn't expecting that.

No.

Oh, that looks great.
I'm just gonna grab this baster.

Come on, he was clearly
not over his wife.

You deserve so much better
than that.

Tonight wasn't
about meeting guys,

it was ladies' night, right?

Hey, Meredith Vieira, how many
ladies' nights can you have?

In the last week, you have
dragged me to karate Pilates,

you made me test drive a Yaris

and talked me into seeing
a children's production of Hair

which thankfully got shut down
before the second act.

The tour of Andrew Lloyd
Webber's house. You loved that.

It was a Frank Lloyd Wright
house,

and no, I didn't love it because
you kept asking the guide

which room he wrote
Phantom of the Opera in.

He wouldn't give me an answer.

This is so not about you
wanting to hang out with me.

This is about you not being able
to handle the fact

that you're alone since
your breakup, and that's fine,

but please admit it and stop
dragging me on these activities.

We should have just stayed home
and watched The Bachelor.

And to put the baster back...
Get out of here.

Look, you say you wanna talk,
talk to me.

What's going on?

I just...

I don't wanna end up
like Alex and Dave, okay,

and take each other for granted.

Oh, babe, come here.

Alex and Dave's problems

had nothing to do with
staying in or going out.

It's not about where you are,
it's who you're with.

We're good, right?

I mean, starving, but good.

I love everything about you,

even that scary little face
you make when you sneeze.

I do not make a scary face
when I sneeze.

You're the only person I know

who sneezes
with their eyes open.

You're like,
"Achoo. Achoo."

Look, we're not Dave and Alex.

We're Brane and Jad.

Okay, we need to get food
in you right now.

Or Jad and Brane.
Okay.

I thought Alex
was the love of my life, bro.

Turns out she thought I was
just that guy who helped her

with her direct-mail campaign
to local businesses.

I don't know, man,

I just feel like
I lost everything.

I know the feeling, bro.
Will you stick to the plan?

But Alex made her choice,
you know?

You gotta move on.

We both do.

A wise man once told me,
"You can't focus

"on all the stuft that you had.

You gotta focus on all the
cool new stuff that you have."

You're right.

I guess
it's because my dad left us

when I was really young.

I've always been
searching for love to,

like, fill that dark void that...

Did you just hi-yucka me?
Oh.

Dude, hi-yucka?

You can be Braff all you want,

but I'm Seagal
all the time, baby.

Have you seen Seagal recently?

He looks like Mario Batali.

I hurt my wrist so bad.

Come on, Max.
I'm gonna throw up.

I'm gonna puke.

Get yourself together,
would you?

You didn't even hit the guy.

- Hey, man. Hey, hey!
- Abort!

I'm really sorry. I'm sorry.

My... My... Ah!

Hey.

Listen, I'm sorry
about what I said.

I didn't mean it.
Yes, you did.

But you were right.
I was?

Yeah. I mean,
I've been dragging you around,

treating you like
my replacement Dave.

But I haven't been alone
in like 10 years,

and I'm freaking out.

Come on, Al.
Okay, you're not alone.

Okay? You have all of us.

It's just you really gotta edit
your activity choices.

You're right.

Okay?
Okay.

Although in fairness,

that Yaris was a lot of car
for the price.

Good friends
are really hard to find.

They gotta be there for you,
even when you're wrong.

But at the same time,

they can't just tell you
what you wanna hear.

They've gotta be
willing to tell you

what you need to hear.

That's the real reason
true love's so hard to find,

because the basis of love
is friendship,

and friendship is really,
really rare.

That's why I'm giving
my second rose

to my best friend
on the show so far.

Krista G.,
will you accept this rose?

When I'm with you, babe,
it doesn't matter where we are.

Rough night?

No. No, it was all right.

You?
Yeah, it was all right.

There was this
really funny chef, ha, ha.

Hey. Zip it. I mean,

Tanya B.'s getting hosed
out of a rose over here.

Wow.
I'm invested.

I hope you realize that Tanya B.
Was not even there for him.

She went to the fantasy suite.
To have sex with him.

To make love.

It's different.

Ugh.

Don't let me fall asleep
tonight.

I think I have a concussion.

Now, the perp came in through
the back, but he had a key,

so it is definitely
an inside job.

Probably someone you know.

So, Alex, I've just got
one question for you.

How well do you know, uh,

this guy?

Yes! Ha, ha.

I told you, bro.

It's way harder
to be a black dude.

Uh, in your face.
Being a gay dude's easy.

Smell that?

Ah, racism.