Original subtitles

Alex, you've been my best friend for 20 years.

I don't know what I would do without you.

I literally would not wanna live.

But I don't have to think about that ever again,

because I get to spend the rest of my life with...

Stop!

I object!

Who is that?

Alex, I love you.

What...? What's happening here?

I skipped rehearsal, but I'm pretty sure

- that guy's in love with Alex. - Don't do this.

You told me you don't even know if you love him,

and that he let himself go and that...

That the sex was bad. Hey, man, my nana's here.

Alex, I love you.

Come with me.

Yo, I feel like we're supposed to kick this guy's ass.

You. You're black, he's probably scared of you.

Yeah, but you're gay and chubby.

No one will see it coming. Chubby?

Dave,

I'm sorry.

I can't do this.

I'm coming. Okay.

Kick-ass!

Whoo!

I'm sure she'll be right...

It's gonna be okay, I promise you.

Huge game-changer.

Huge.

Uh, um, I'm sorry, bro. It sucks.

Wow. Rollerblades?

Even I think Rollerblades are gay,

and I had sex with a dude last night.

She's your sister and all,

but that was cold-blooded.

Are you really not drinking now?

Nope.

I'd like to think if this happened at my civil union

and you were best man, you'd be "schlammered."

Jane and I are on our pre-pregnancy cleanse.

No meat, no sugar, no booze.

I like to keep a tidy uterus.

She does. Oh, Dave just texted me.

Okay, he says he doesn't wanna talk,

but that he's "All good in the 'hood."

Why?

Well, here's to the last time we were ever all together.

They could still work this out.

Are you crazy? Are you a crazy person?

Have you lost your mind? Yes.

Alex and Dave will never be able

to be in the same room again.

Ugh. Or a week from now,

we're all be back at the church

and Dave and Alex are gonna be there,

and we're gonna be laughing

like, "What runaway bride situation?"

Alex?

Oh, hey, guys.

What's up?

Hey, sweetie. How you doing?

Great. Really great. I'm kicking ass.

I've been doing lots of stuff.

Uh, taking online yoga, meeting great people.

They're calling me Bodhi, which is awesome,

because of Point Break, been watching that.

Totally holds up. What happened to Lori Petty?

Oh! I invented a new drink. Ooh.

Who wants a gin smoothie?

Oh, my God. Crazy.

A little bit of this, a lot of that.

Uh...

Sidebar. Penny, thanks for the blender.

It's awesome.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, sweetie,

you and Alex are gonna work this out.

This is just the sad chapter in your epic love story.

Yeah. This is a classic story of boy meets girl,

boy loses girl to guy on Rollerblades,

boy becomes biggest YouTube sensation

since kitten stuck in tuba.

It's on YouTube?

How many hits? Barely any.

I wanna break it down for you because I love you.

Your wedding was horrible.

I mean, it was like a shark attack at a Sunday school.

But there is a positive,

and that is that you are single right now.

So why don't you go get some pants on

and let's get you some sex.

I don't wanna get some sex.

I wanna get some married.

To Alex.

I don't get it, you guys. Did she say the sex was bad?

Every relationship has its ups and downs, sweetie.

I always thought it was her fault.

I mean, I might have gotten lazy,

recycled some moves, but that is so bad.

You're giving off a Howard Hughes vibe here.

I feel like you're about ten minutes away

from storing your urine in jars. Let's get some food.

I just ate three French bread pizzas

and most of the world's largest chocolate bride.

I left the hand, to hold.

Okay. Guys, I'm okay. I'm good.

I'm just gonna kick back, you know,

recharge the batteries.

Besides, I got a ton of thank-you notes to write.

"Darkness reigns.

Hope gurgles out its dying breath."

"Thank you for the beautiful Crock-Pot." You can't send this.

It's a rough draft.

Guys, I'm gonna be fine, all right?

I... I just need a little me time.

You know, a little D time.

And besides, Alex's next move is probably gonna be to call

so I should stay close to the phone.

She's definitely gonna call.

She went on the honeymoon with the Rollerblade guy.

Somebody get me some pants.

I kind of feel like we're cheating on Alex.

I know. You did not have to tell him

she went on the honeymoon.

It makes her look bad. No, Alex looks bad

because she's doing bad stuff.

That's like saying John Mayer's songs

are making John Mayer look bad.

Uh-huh. Ooh. Yeah.

I love your tattoo.

It really just reminds me to stay grounded.

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

What? I said, "I love

staying grounded."

Get it. There it is.

Oh, that's my friend's tongue.

She's a special girl. Who does that?

Ow. Ow.

Alex?

Hi. That's what you're going with?

Dave, come on.

Listen. I know there's nothing that I can say.

Please know that I'm so sorry.

So is that guy your boyfriend, by the way?

Who? Bo?

Ah, of course his name is Bo.

He probably shaves his toes.

No, no, no, he's not my boyfriend.

We flirted a little bit at work,

but I don't know why he thought I'd run away with him.

Uh, because you did.

How was our honeymoon, by the way?

Did Bo enjoy the sunset couples massage

and having sex with you? What?

I never cheated on you, and Bo didn't go with me.

Listen. Dave, I didn't run away with him.

I just ran away.

I can't believe that you got the white-trash tourist braids.

You look like Predator.

I feel like you're gonna rip my spine out,

keep my skull as a trophy.

I'm sorry, okay?

But I've been having second thoughts for a while.

I mean, think about the past few years.

Can you honestly say they still felt the same?

Yes. Happy Valentine's Day, baby.

Forty dollars?

You're welcome.

Alex, you're the only girl I've ever even liked.

I literally can't even picture myself with another woman

ever again for the rest of my life.

Have you seen my tongue ring?

God, I hope I didn't swallow another one.

I do not know who that is.

Ugh, I can't believe he slept with the "stay grounded" girl.

In our bed.

On the sheets I got you for the bridal shower?

You know how hard it is to get slut out of Egyptian cotton?

I can't believe you guys let him go home with another girl.

Okay, you're not really in a position

to comment on people leaving places with people

that they're not supposed to leave with.

Come on, Penny.

Come on, Penny, you piece of garbage.

Come on, Penny.

Penny, please.

Penny, please.

Do this, Penny! Penny, take it easy.

Welcome back to the single life, Al.

It has gotten competitive out there.

Let's go, ladies, it's time to blast our glutes.

While you've been spooning for 10 years,

the whole game changed.

A guy doesn't even have to call anymore.

A text at midnight is basically a romantic dinner for two.

Hope you're ready to put out.

You know, why don't you just pull Dave aside

tonight at Penny's party and talk to him?

You guys are gonna work this out.

He's gonna forgive you. Were you not at the wedding?

There's nothing better out there, trust me.

It's just a bunch of poor guys with, like,

weird sexual stuft

and even when you do it, they still don't call.

Pen, I was thinking, you know,

is it okay if maybe I don't come tonight?

- I don't wanna cause any drama. - Really?

You're not gonna come to my 30th birthday?

I'll tell Todd that you couldn't make it,

you didn't wanna meet him. I'm sorry, who's Todd again?

Only the future father to Hayley, Madison and Mackenzie.

Right. Um, excuse me, ma'am,

are you done with this machine?

Ma'am?

I am gonna go and bawl my eyes out

and then I will be back to physically fight you.

Dude, I am so pumped we're gonna be roomies.

Yeah, it'll be like college again,

except now you're chubby. I'm chubby?

Is that a thing that's being talked about?

Know what, bro? The minute I get this house,

you should come live with us.

Yeah. The only single people

in the suburbs are pedophiles

and lesbian guidance counselors.

Uh-oh, Brad, look who's here.

Your old friend meat is back.

I'm good, bro. Jane made me a nice lunch.

Ugh. Ugh, man, oh.

That smells like a European basketball player.

This cleanse is brutal. I lost 11 pounds.

Today. More importantly,

are you coming to Penny's party, bro?

She's bringing a new dude, which is always hilarious.

Dude, of course I'm coming to Penny's party.

Why wouldn't I be, because of Alex?

I am an adult, and I'm gonna handle this like an adult.

What's up?

Best night ever.

Max, Jane, you remember Jackie.

Hi.

Oh, hey, didn't realize you were gonna be at this thing.

Yeah. Awkward.

Uh, you two already sort of met, but this is Jackie,

my, uh... I don't know what to call you.

Um, girlfriend?

Girlfriend? Girlfriend?

Mm-hm.

Total rebound. She means nothing to him.

Jane, stop trying to fix everything, okay?

Dave and I are through.

Um, I'm gonna need vodka in a water glass with ice

and I'm gonna be ordering water from you all night long.

So one water, please.

Did we start already or do you really want water?

Just bring me vodka. Okay.

So, Jackie, love your hat.

Thanks.

It's signed by Turtle from Entourage.

What are you wearing that's so great, hm?

Hey, everybody! Hi.

Hey, you two, at least keep it together

for Penny's sake. Happy birthday!

Hey. Oh, my God. Hey, guys.

So, um, this is Todd,

and this is Alex, Jane, Max, Dave and...

Hey.

Jackie, Dave's girlfriend.

Great to see you again.

Penny has told me so much about you guys.

So much.

It's awesome how close you all are.

Really special.

I'm just gonna run and wash my hands, okay, babe?

Go. Go. Get out of here.

So, isn't he amazing?

He seems really great and super hot.

That dude is gay. Sorry?

Gave me gay eyes, like, right away.

I mean, that dude is gayer than Dave's jacket.

Okay, I think I would know if he was gay.

Penny, come on, you had no idea that I was gay.

This just feels so right. Totally.

Penny, I'm just looking out for you, okay?

Now, what straight guy washes his hands?

Sorry. It's just so hard to get the soot off.

I'm a volunteer fireman.

Yup, yup, there it is.

Happy birthday, party people!

Ha-ha-ha.

Dirty 30. Ha-ha-ha.

I thought you were turning 26.

I am turning 26.

What?

Oh, you're serious.

I can't wait to be 26.

I feel like nobody really takes you seriously

when you're still in high school.

Waitress, another water when you get a chance.

That bitch young.

What do you think about Todd?

He's not gay, right?

So, Jackie, what do you wanna be when you grow up?

I either wanna be a veterinarian

or have a reality show.

Wow, those are things.

Say something.

So, where'd you two lovebirds meet?

JDate. We instantly connected.

I thought you had to be Jewish.

I am Jewish. I was talking about Penny.

Hey. Yeah. Yay!

Penny's also Jewish. Yeah, all right.

Twenty-six-year-old Jew.

Anything else I need to know, Penny-Pen-Pen?

Just how to read e-mails labeled "urgent party deets."

You know, Jewish dudes are my jam.

Like that Shia LeBeouf.

Love to connect with him, huh?

Am I right, Todd? I think I'm right.

I'm more of a Megan Fox guy, bro.

Oh, are you? Really?

Ha, ha. Okay, it really is all about connecting,

isn't it, Todd?

I mean, we are so glad to finally meet you.

And Penny, happy birthday.

You know what? I would throw in one caveat, Todd.

You never know when someone else is gonna come in,

connect with the someone you already connected with,

and before you know it, your nickname on YouTube

is "the wedding douche" and you're living out of a gym bag.

Thanks for coming, everybody. It feels like only yesterday

that I was born during the 1984 Olympics,

a young Jewess, 26 years ago.

You know what, Todd?

Dave is right, things change.

You have to work at the relationship.

Don't shower twice a week and only focus on your stuff in bed.

Okay. I am a very caring lovemaker.

He is. Here we go!

You know, all I did was work on our relationship.

You're super high-maintenance. Wait, Alex is the runaway bride?

Yes, jailbait, I am the runaway bride

and I ruined everything for everybody.

I don't know what to say except that

minutes before I'm supposed to walk out,

Jane's talking about pre-pregnancy cleanses,

moving to the suburbs. I don't have an excuse,

except for the fact that...

I freaked out, okay?

Really great bridesmaid work. Jane.

You know, Dave, if a few sentences

can make a girl run out of you,

you weren't on solid ground in the first place.

You're not on solid ground.

Not your best comeback, bro.

Come on, everybody, chill, all right?

Todd must think we're meshuggener.

Did I say that right? Yup.

Right context?

Because you're Jewish. Yes.

Look, Alex, honey, just calm down.

Okay.

Have some water. Uh, mm...

Thank you.

What the hell? This is all vodka.

What? Heh. Waiter?

Jane, you're drinking? No, you're drinking.

Night of a thousand comebacks. What about our cleanse?

I've had pure evil coming out

of both ends of my body for three weeks

and you're drinking vodka?

I'm sorry. I just... I... I don't know. I...

I don't wanna have a baby right now, okay?

I did when Alex and Dave were gonna have one

and live next door, and we were all gonna be happy,

but now, it's just gonna be us

out there in the suburbs all alone,

slowly giving up. Five years later,

I'm rocking butchy mom hair and dreaming about

driving my burgundy Windstar through a farmer's market.

And Max is living in Santa Fe

with a furniture dealer named Robin.

Is it a girl, is it a guy? I don't know, I don't know,

because we haven't spoken in five years.

And then I run into Penny at Todd's memorial.

Yeah, he died. But not in a fire,

in a charity bike-a-thon. Sorry, dude, rough twist.

Penny and I don't even recognize each other

because I haven't seen her since her 30th birthday.

Twenty-sixth. And it's all your fault, Alex.

Well, that's what happens when you drink vodka

on a stomach full of cabbage juice.

Give me that.

Hey, meat. Mm.

Nice work, Al.

You're the Michael Jordan of destroying friendships.

Well, you're the Michael Jordan of banging underage sluts.

I'm 18, slut.

And who's Michael Jordan?

God, your friends are all so immature.

Wait, are you 30, or are you 26?

I'm 30, and I'm Catholic,

and I'm gonna die alone in a light-up Christmas sweater

talking to a menagerie of parrots.

I'm so confused right now.

I know you are. I've been there.

You will realize, may not be today,

tomorrow, a month or a year from now,

but you'll wake up one day

and say, "Whoa, I like dudes."

And when that happens,

I'd love it if you gave me a call.

We'll go get a beer, we'll rent a movie,

maybe Kate & Leopold. Dude, I'm not gay, okay?

Whoa, what a homophobe.

A homophobe who now has my number, thank you.

Really excellent work, you two.

That was my worst birthday

since my mom Frenched my boyfriend at Epcot.

So are you 100 percent sure Todd is gay?

A hundred and fifty percent.

Our goodbye last night was a little weird.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Has anyone talked to Dave or Alex?

Yeah, Dave's coming.

So that means we can't invite Alex?

Wow, this sucks.

Hey, guys, check it out, huh?

Hi, guys.

Right? Great news.

We are back together.

Just kidding, ha, ha. I still hate her,

but she did spend four hours apologizing last night,

which was a pretty good start.

And Dave did admit

that he's been taking me for granted for a while.

I did, but I said, "That's the kind of stuff

you talk about before the wedding, not at the wedding."

I pointed out that Dave wore flip-flops

to my parents' 35th Anniversary.

It was black tie optional. Here we go again.

Another double bloody. Guys, hey, this is all my fault.

And what I did to Dave was... Was horrible.

You know, but Dave and I agreed

that's between us, you know, and it would kill me if...

if I'm the reason that we all can't hang out anymore.

Yeah, I mean, none of us has made a new friend in 11 years.

I wouldn't even know how.

Do you just walk up to random people

and go, "Hey. Blah-blah-blah. Sports"?

Only person I wanna meet is my husband.

I was once on a plane with an old lady

and she tried talking to me.

I just pretended I had some kind of disability.

Buddy.

Hey, Penny, I'm sorry your birthday got ruined.

But I got you something.

Oh, yeah, what is it? Rollerblades?

Ugh. Okay, I apologize.

Ah, don't. Okay.

Ah... Happy birthday.

Hello. Aw...

I haven't been this happy since my bat mitzvah.

Can you sit down?

I don't mind if I do-skies. Uh, maybe you don't-skis.

You might wanna take a vacation from the cake.

Is this the chubby thing?

If it is, just say it to my face.

Do you guys think I look fat?

Got a couple extra pounds. To be perfectly honest,

you look like a young Kathy Bates.

Ooh, no, it's like if Paul Rudd gave up.

I'll take it. I do not mind.

We're just talking about...