All language subtitles for AF59863F1AD431C62ED4DCF29FAE16D4_eng

Okay, stand by, everyone.

Five, four, three, two...

At 52 minutes past the hour on this
Thursday morning, welcome back.

Joining me now is
author Bill Bryson.

So, travel writing.

I'm sorry, is that a question?

Noël Coward once said, "Why
do the wrong people travel,

"and the right
people stay at home?"

Now, tell us about this
Collector's Edition Box Set.

"An elegant reissue
of old favorites."

Riveting stuff.

Now, in your books, you've written
about Europe, Australia, the British Isles.

You actually
lived there briefly.

Briefly. 10 years.

Mmm, but never America.

You've never written
about your home country.

- No, that's not exactly right...
- Why? Why nothing more personal?

I see. So you've moved
back, or is that just temporary?

No. Yes. My family, we moved
back. To New Hampshire.

Twenty years ago.
And... And we're still here.

"Still"? Interesting
choice of words.

Uh, what else are you working
on? Are you writing something new?

No.

Not thinking of
retiring on us, are you?

No, writers don't retire.

We either drink ourselves to
death or blow our brains out.

And which will it be for you?

After this interview,
maybe both.

Bill Bryson, pleasure
to have you with us.

Ah. Thank you.

Oh!

- Oh. Hello, stranger.
- Hello, yourself.

How'd it go?

- You saw?
- Mmm-hmm.

- That good, huh?
- Hey, Gramps.

- Hi.
- I saw, too.

- Oh, yeah? How'd I look?
- Do you want my honest answer?

Never mind.

- Gramps, I made it to level six.
- Level six? Way to go.

Did you get my message
about Earl McGregor?

Services are on
Saturday morning.

Can't we just send flowers?

We could.

You two, hands washed,
dinner's nearly ready. Let's go.

Makes you think about
slowing down, doesn't it?

I'm so, so sorry.
My condolences.

Deborah, we're so sorry.

Thank you so much for being
here. It really means a lot to me.

It's our pleasure.

- Uh, I mean, not our...
- Pardon me.

Uh, I mean, it's, uh,
not a pleasant time,

- and it's not a time...
- No, we're just very sorry.

- We're very sorry.
- We're very sorry.

- I'll get my jacket.
- We just got here.

What? We've already paid our respects. I
mean, what else are we supposed to do?

Talk to people.
It's good for you.

I don't like talking to people.

Go on.

How are you? How
good to see you.

I'm gonna go for a walk.

Okay.

What on earth?

- You want to hike it?
- Yes.

Two thousand miles.

2118, actually.

No. You can't.

Why not?

Seriously, Bill. Even
for you this is ridiculous.

Why? Because
you think I'm too old?

No, it's not because I think you're
too old, it's because you are too old.

Oh, God, is this
because of the funeral?

- No.
- What then?

Listen, I can't explain it.

Have a go.

It's just something
I feel I have to do.

I want to explore nature. I
want to get back to my roots.

- Roots?
- Yeah. You know, push myself.

I mean, really, really hike.

Hike? You haven't
hiked in 30 years.

- Exactly.
- Can't you just do this in the Volvo?

Catherine.

What if I say you can't go?

Well, if you felt that way
then we would discuss it.

You mean I'll yammer
on and you'll nod away,

and then you'll go ahead and do
whatever you were going to do anyway

without having
heard a word I've said.

What?

Am I just supposed to stand here

and accept these obvious
signs that you have gone mad?

It's my old pup tent.
What do you think?

Well, I think it's the perfect
place for you to spend the night.

You realize we all think
this is a terrible idea, right?

It's certainly been
brought to my attention.

- But you're still going to do it?
- Yes.

It's just kinda insane, Dad.
The whole thing, at your age?

Fit people in their
20's can't do it, Dad.

It takes five months
and five millions steps.

- Of walking.
- Yes.

I've been doing it
for a while, you know.

Dad, hiking is not walking.

Two thousand people a year try
to do this. Less than 10% make it.

You ought to see the statistics on
how many people finish writing a book.

There's somebody I
want you to meet. All right?

Hey, Dave.

How's it going?

This is Dave.

- Dave.
- Hello.

He has hiked everywhere.

He can answer any question
you have about anything.

Okay. Can he tell me
why the caged bird sings?

Can you give us just
a second? And can I?

Can we keep a lid
on the jokes, please?

Pay attention
while he's talking,

and don't say, "You've
got to be shitting me"

when he tells you
the price of something.

Sam, you act like I've
never camped before.

A tent is a tent.

This also has a 70 denier,
high-density, abrasion-resistant fly

with that same rip stop weave.

And just look at these seams.

All lap-felled. No bias
taping on the whole tent.

And the poles.
Color-coded, DAC aluminum.

It's the finest craftsmanship.

Yeah, I've carried this one on
several sections of the trail myself.

For your purposes, cannot
go wrong with this monster.

All right, how much is it?

This one here is 289.

You've got to be
shitting... Oh, okay.

I see what you're thinking, but out
on the trail, you're gonna thank me.

Are you coming?

You'll need a rain
cover too, of course.

- A rain cover? Why?
- To keep out the rain.

- The backpacks aren't waterproof?
- Not 100%.

The rain cover weighs
four point six ounces.

You know how much weight it would
add to fully waterproof an 85-liter pack?

Well, I'll tell you. It's a lot.

Let's not forget...

Oh, let me guess, in case you want
to do a little impromptu gardening?

No. You know the saying, "Take
only memories, leave only footprints."

Poop.

- Oh, shit.
- Exactly.

Thought you'd find
these interesting.

A Virginia man's remains
left undiscovered for 18 days

after he suffers a
catastrophic medical condition

just one week
into his solo trek.

Most commonly spread through
infected rodent saliva, urine, and feces,

which become
airborne particles...

Several law enforcement
personnel have expressed concern

about the gruesome nature
of these latest murders,

including dismemberment
and ritualistic savagery.

You are not doing this alone.

This is Bryson.

How would you like to
join me for a little stroll?

It's a chance to grab some fresh
air, while there's still some left.

You know, studies show
Americans need to walk more.

Our forefathers, they
walked everywhere.

It'll give you something to
do for the next six months.

Let me know if
you're interested.

Rabies, crazed skunks,
raccoons, and squirrels,

merciless fire ants,
and ravening blackfly.

Poison ivy, poison
sumac, poison oak,

poison salamanders,
even a scattering of moose?

Bryson, four words:
Not in this lifetime.

I wish I could, Bill, but I just
switched to a new beta blocker.

I barely have enough
energy to get dressed in the...

Next time, call me
for something fun.

Like a colonoscopy.

Bill, I think you've been
the victim of identity theft.

I got the most ridiculous
message from someone claiming...

Bill, you know you can see the whole
trail online in less than four minutes?

You know, you can't count Dan Budge.
Dying is not the same as saying no.

Did we know about
that? About Dan's death?

Yeah, I think it was in
Janice's Christmas card.

Well, that explains why she
was so miffed about my invitation.

It's in the...

Hello?

Hello?

Hey, it's me.

I'm sorry?

Bryson, it's Katz.

- It's Katz?
- Yeah.

- Stephen?
- Yeah.

Whoa.

You're in the States?

Yeah, yeah. Where are you?

I'm in Des Moines. Where
the hell else would I be?

Well, it's good to
hear your voice.

Yeah. Hey, Doug told me about
this Appalachian Trail deal of yours.

Are you serious about that?

Yes, I'm very serious.

You think maybe I
could come with you?

You wanna come with me?

Yeah, if it's a
problem, I understand.

No, no, no, no.

I mean, I understand
if you don't want me.

No, why... Why
wouldn't I want you?

Because, you know, I still
owe you 600 bucks from Europe.

Well, that was forty
years ago, Stephen.

Yeah, but I still
intend to pay you.

Well, I know you're good for it.

Ah, great, great.

So, what kind of shape you in?

Well, I'm in good shape. I
walk everywhere these days.

Really?

Yeah, since the bastards
took away my license.

Um...

So, how are you with bears?

Well, they haven't
gotten me yet.

Well, you know there can't be a black bear
within 1,500 miles of Des Moines, Katz.

That's what I'm saying, man.
Those fuckers keep their distance.

You'll never guess
who just gave me a call.

No, no, no. Not Stephen Katz.

Mmm-mmm.

You said I couldn't go alone.

Well, presuming you were going
to get somebody responsible.

You don't even know him.

Well, I know the stories. Didn't
he have a drinking problem?

We all had drinking problems.

Well, you two ended up on
each other's nerves in Europe.

No, no, no, no. We started
out on each other's nerves.

We ended up
despising each other.

You know I hate this, right?

Sweetheart, I really don't think
you have anything to worry about.

No. Just my husband
wandering off into the woods,

surely to be maimed or killed

or contract some ghastly
parasitic disease which,

if lucky, will leave him propped up
in a chair, drooling into his own bib.

But there's nothing to worry
about, because of course

I'll be the one expected to stand
by your side, feeding you ice chips

until you capitulate to this
unnamed malady, and then what?

I get to stand in front of
some gaudy church saying,

"He was a loving
husband and father,

"once considered to be a
man of reasonable intelligence,

"since revealed
to be nothing more

"than a daft and utter fool."

Well, it's a shame I
won't be there to hear it.

Look, I know what
this seems like, okay?

Have you actually
thought this through at all?

Of course not.

Lebanon Airport welcomes
Cape Air Flight 106.

Travelers arriving
from Springfield

can claim their baggage at
Baggage Claim Carousel Four.

You are shitting me.

- Hey, Stephen.
- Bryson.

How are you?

Hello, Steve-o.

This is my wife.

You're the British nurse
I've heard so much about.

- I certainly hope so.
- Yeah.

Good to meet you.

That's a little bit
like a bear hug.

Are you limping?

Oh, that's a titanium knee, and
this one's a trick knee, you know.

- Oh.
- Let me see, I've got to get...

I gotta eat every hour or
so, otherwise I get these, uh...

- What, episodes?
- No, no, they're...

- Seizures?
- Seizures, that's right.

- You get seizures?
- Mmm-hmm.

Yeah. You know, I ate some contaminated
phenethylamines about 10 years ago,

and it totally jacked up
my system, you know.

- I thought you said you were in shape?
- I am.

So the two of them
take off on a motorbike

and we have no choice but to hitchhike
all the way back to San Sebastián.

We go into the first pub,
and boom, there they are.

So, six hours later we
stumble out to the beach,

and Bryson insists on
having the pretty girl,

- of course, the redhead.
- Ooh.

And I get the horse-faced
blonde, you know.

Uh, Bryson!

I can't believe... Come on, sit.

I can't believe you never
told Cathy about Spain.

Oh, it must have
slipped my mind.

Hmm, I wonder why?

Anyway, the next day
we're on a train to Madrid.

Bryson goes to the head and
I don't pay any attention to it,

and he's in there a long time.

Finally, I look up, and he's
coming out toward the seat

and he's just scratching
and scratching...

Got it. Got it.

I said to him, "Hey,
Bryson, what's going on?"

And he says, "Next time
you can have the red-head."

- Is there a picture of the red-head?
- I think so.

I'd like to see the redhead.
I'd love to see the red-head.

- That's a really great story.
- She's not in here.

Thank you for sharing
that with my family.

Where is she?

Well, I have more
of them, Bryson.

No, no, that's great.

No, no, I think we
should have a few more.

All right.

We were in Nice, and
Bryson goes to this

very famous hotel there
called The Mayflower...

Mmm, the Cubbies.

Oh, decomposed.

Oh, my God.

You still playing that thing?

Oh, yeah. Not
good, but I'm playing.

How about you, still
playing the drums?

Oh, God, no. I gave
that up years ago.

Oh.

Is that your daughter?

Yeah.

Takes after her
mother. Lucky break there.

- How many grandchildren in all?
- Three, and another one on the way.

You really pulled
it off, Bryson.

You know?

No, I mean that.
I'm happy for you.

Well, how about you,
Stephen? You... You been okay?

Me? Oh, hell, yeah.

I spent half my life getting
drunk, chasing pussy.

The other half I wasted.

- Have you seen these things?
- Yeah.

Fucked.

Hey, you know, everyone thinks
we're going to go onto that trail

and quit after a week,
like most people do.

We're not most people, Bryson.

No. No, we're not.

- So, good night.
- Good night.

All right then.

- Thank you, Mrs. Bryson. Bye.
- You're welcome. Good luck.

I'll meet you inside. Right?

- I will miss you, you know.
- I hope so.

I just want to go on
the record one last time

and say, I do love you.

Try not to die, okay?

I'll do my best.

Go on. Bugger off.

I remember this one guy that I
picked up. He came off the Trail.

He's not like you
guys, a lot younger.

He got back there
and just started crying.

I'm serious. Cried all
the way back to Atlanta.

Sat back there
whimpering like a child.

When you drop people off,

can you tell whether they're
going to make it or not?

Oh. Yes, sir, yes, sir.
Every time, pretty near.

How about us?

Oh, well, here we are.

Thank you.

- Here you go.
- Okay.

- Breakfast at seven.
- Seven.

- Yeah. Okay.
- Okay.

I hope you don't mind my saying,

but these are about the best
damn pancakes I ever had.

Is that right? Well, I like a man
who appreciates his pancakes.

Well, I sure do
appreciate these, honey.

- Would you like some coffee?
- Yeah.

And I'll get you a menu.

No, no, I've already
eaten. Thanks.

Not bad looking, huh?

That depends.

You know what I look for
in a female these days?

A heartbeat and
a full set of limbs.

Well, most people lower
their standards as they age.

- Yeah?
- You've actually raised yours.

You know, Bryson,
I've been thinking.

Let's stay here another night.

- You kidding?
- No. No. It is cold outside.

It's warm in here.

- I am going.
- Wait a minute.

We go. We go.

Hey, hang on. I'd like to say
a few words if you don't mind.

All right.

I don't want to reach
for metaphors, but...

No, reach, Bryson, reach.

Well, they say the
Appalachian Trail is like life.

Uh-huh.

You don't know what's ahead, you
don't know what's going to happen next,

but you give it your best shot.

Your best...

So, on that note...

- We go?
- We go.

All right.

You keeping up?

Yeah. Keeping up.

Are we hiking or strolling?

What, is this a race?

We're trying to do 11 miles.

Slow and steady, pal. You wanna
burn out your legs, go ahead.

Just be nice to get
there before midnight.

Yeah, well.

That would be nice.

Go ahead. Help yourselves.

Oh, jeez.

Okay, complete the
following sentence.

What goes up must come

down.

What the hell happened to down?
It can't be uphill all the way to Maine.

Coming through.

Oh, my God. All right.

- What's up?
- Not much.

- Beautiful day.
- Yeah, it sure is.

- Excuse me.
- Okay.

Little fuckers.

It's just over the hill, guys.

- Boy.
- You okay?

Yeah. I almost fell off the log.

How far do you
figure we've gone?

Oh, about a quarter of a mile.

Motherfuck.

We're going already?

Just kill me now.

I don't care how you do it,
but please, just kill me now.

What, that's it? No dinner?

Hiya.

- You remember the Randall Farm?
- Of course.

Super-Walmart now.

Christ.

The old drive-in theater?

Don't tell me.

- Subaru dealership now.
- No.

Yeah. I got my
first blowjob there.

In the Subaru dealership?

Bit of a late bloomer, huh?

I bumped into Jimmy
Duncan a few weeks back.

You remember him?

Yeah. His mom
worked at the library?

'Course you remember his mom.

Yeah, she was nice.

And she didn't own a bra.

Well, if she did,
she never wore it.

Man, I loved that library.

- Hey, Bryson?
- Yeah?

Have you really kept in touch
with Doug Glawinski all these years?

No, not at all. Why?

You invited him,
so I was just curious.

Well, yeah. I invited
everyone I could think of.

No, not everyone.

I heard about it from Doug.

I don't think I had your number.

You had Doug's number?

Well, if it makes you feel any
better, I really don't like Doug.

Well, I don't blame you.

I'm not sure how that's supposed
to make me feel better, though.

Yeah.

I guess I really didn't
think that through.

Good night.

Good night.

You burying your shit?

Yes.

- In the woods?
- Yeah.

Oh, Bryson, I've missed you.

Thank you.

Can't wait to read
about this in the book.

I'm not writing a book.

Hi.

You guys camping here?

No, we live here.

What are you guys eating?

Noodles? Ugh, big mistake.

Noodles have got, like, no
energy in them. I mean, like, zero.

I'm Mary Ellen.
Is that your tent?

Yeah.

Oh, big mistake.

They must have seen you
coming at the camping store.

- How much did you pay for it?
- I don't remember.

Too much. That's how much.

Shoulda got a
three-season tent, my friend.

It is a three-season tent.

Pardon me for saying so,
but it is, like, seriously dumb

to come out here in March
without a three-season tent.

It's April. And it is
a three-season tent.

That's a three-season tent.

No, no. Those are
both three-season tents.

No. I don't think so.

How many miles did
you guys do today?

Around 10.

Ten? Oh, you must
be really out of shape.

I did fourteen-two.
Started at Gooch Gap.

Well, so did we. And
it's eight point four.

- No.
- It is. It's eight point four.

Excuse me. But I think I
ought to know. I just walked it.

So did we. And
it's eight point four.

Tomato, tomahto.

You know what your problem is?

You're too fat.

Excuse me?

You should have dropped some of
that tonnage before you hit the trailhead.

I mean, you're liable to have some
sort of serious heart thing out here.

And so I just walk alone,
because everybody I know is boring.

I'm the only person I know
who doesn't bore myself to death.

Also, if I walked
with someone else,

I'd have to watch them make, you
know, mistake after mistake after mistake,

and I'd go crazy, and then I'd
not be sane on the trail, you know?

I was like, "Mary Ellen, who's
the only person you know

"who doesn't mess
up?" and it's like, me.

I went through this
person, it was, like, dumb.

That person, boring. This person,
dumb. Dumb, dumb. Boring, boring.

I know what you're
thinking. I'm not married.

I wonder why?

Well, I do have a boyfriend, but
he's in Florida and he's in prison.

I wouldn't hike with
him even if he wasn't

because you can't trust
a convict, and he's dumb.

And boring, actually.

What's your star sign? I bet
you're a Gemini, aren't you?

Ah, I'm really good
at this. I have a gift.

- No, I'm not a Gemini.
- I think you are.

Actually, I'm a Leo.

I don't think so. I'm
really good at this.

I was born in August.

Mmm, check your
birth certificate.

And you? You're a Libra.

Definitely a Libra. I could
make a living doing this.

You're zero for two,
honey. Zero for two.

Can you guys guess what I am?

- Couple of thoughts come to mind.
- Yeah?

She's up all night to the sun

I'm up all night to get some

She's up all night for good fun

We're up all night to get lucky

Fuck.

God damn it. Damn it!

I swear to God I'm
gonna rip her larynx out.

I'm not sure that's going
to do it. I got a better plan.

Go on, lay it on me.

Okay, according to the map,
we get to Hiawassee tomorrow.

We get an early start and we hike hard,
we can put some distance between us.

Yeah, that's probably
better than my plan.

What's your plan?

Kill her. Take her Pop-tarts.

- Hey, good morning.
- Good morning.

You guys heading out?

Yeah. You want
us to wait for you?

Yeah, we'll wait.

Nah, I'll catch up.
I'm pretty regular.

We go.

We've still got a
couple more miles.

How far back is she?

She's gaining.

- I don't think...
- I don't...

We need a new plan.

- Yeah, we do. We need a new plan.
- Yeah.

Shh.

I didn't say anything.

Well, you sound like
a DC-10. Keep it down.

Oh.

Here she comes.

Hold your breath.

Hold it, hold it.

We've come too far
to give up who we are

We go, we go!

- Hey, hey, hey! Hey!
- Hey!

Wait, stop!

Who the hell's gonna stop
for us? We look like shit.

Hey, stop!

They stopped!

Hey, you boys want a ride?

Sure do!

Y'all have to excuse
us. We are celebrating.

Yeah? What are you celebrating?

We are getting married tomorrow.

- Great, great.
- Congratulations, you guys.

Yeah, Darren is making
an honest woman out of me.

- Ain't that right, baby?
- Yes, I am.

Uh, you wanna watch the...

Yeah.

Holy shit. I wish
I was still 20.

I wish I was still 50.

- See y'all later.
- Bye, y'all.

What can I get
you boys to drink?

The tallest and the
coldest beer you can offer.

Coke.

- Just Coke, nothing in it?
- Just Coke. I'm reformed.

- Okay.
- Uh, you know what?

Make mine a Coke also.

All right. Just a second.

Oh, wow. I'm... I'm impressed.

Well, you know, ever since
I rolled my car on route six,

- I had to rethink some things.
- Yeah, that'll do it.

A lady cop came up to the
window and she knocked.

I was hanging upside down by the seatbelt
and I said, "What's the problem, officer?"

She just stared at
me and walked away.

So I haven't had a drink since.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well, that's good.

- Good for you.
- Yeah. Good for me.

Really.

Ah.

You know, Bryson,

I keep looking at the door over there and
I keep seeing Mary Ellen coming through.

I hope you're not going
to tell me you miss her?

Oh, no, no. Hell no, I'm
not going to tell you that.

I mean, we did kind of
ditch her though, didn't we?

No, we didn't just kind of ditch
her, Stephen. We ditched her.

Yeah. We left her all alone
in the woods by herself.

She came into the
woods by herself.

It's not like we signed a
contract to look after her.

No, but she's probably
scared out of her wits.

What are you so
interested in her for?

I'm not interested
in her at all.

The damndest thing,
Bryson, is I am a Libra.

She got it right.

Maybe she has a gift.

What are the chances?

One in 12, actually.

One in 12. That's
pretty damn good.

Oh. Southbound, coming through.

Mary Ellen? Oh, yeah,
she talked about you guys.

Yeah? What did she say?

- Well, her words, right?
- Right.

She said you guys were a
couple of overweight wimps

who didn't know the
first thing about hiking.

And she was tired
of carrying you.

Oh, Holy Christ Almighty.

Actually, I think she called
you a couple of pussies.

- Pussies?
- Pussies?

After all we did for her?

You guys know it's supposed to
snow tonight, right? Six to eight inches.

- Really?
- More higher up.

That's what they're saying. You're
going to be climbing right into it.

- Yeah? Oh.
- Yeah.

- Well, I gotta keep moving, guys. Be safe.
- Thanks.

Snow? That guy's
out of his fucking mind.

You okay?

Never better.

Goddamn things are useless.

What I'm thinking we could
do is follow this logging road,

get to the other side of this
ridge, and get out of the wind

where we can set up our
camp. What do you think?

Me? I think I'd rather have
a nice hot soak in a Jacuzzi.

But if you're dead-set on following
that logging road, we can do that, too.

We can save the Jacuzzi for another
time when things aren't going so well.

Yeah.

- I'll follow you.
- Okay.

Katz, you still there?

Unfortunately.

Just like you said, Bryson.

The AT. You never
know what lies ahead.

So it appears.

I promise you, if there was heat,
it would be on, honey, all right?

Use the talcum
powder, that helps.

Hi. We'd like a cabin.
Preferably with a private bath.

The cabins went two days ago. But I
do have two spaces in the bunkhouse.

I don't know if you're
aware of this, Bryson,

but every time I hear
the word "bunkhouse"

my testicles shrink
up inside my body.

Welcome to the Stalag.

There's a meeting of the
Escape Committee at 1900 hours.

Oh, okay.

Hey, are you liking that XT-85?

Your pack.

Oh.

- I got a Gregory.
- Oh, yeah?

Yeah. I looked at
the XT-85, solid pack.

But the quad access points,

dual hydration ports in
the Gregory, they sold me.

What made you buy an XT-85?

I thought it was easier than
carrying everything in my arms.

- How come you're up top?
- Well, heat rises, pal.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, you know...

Hey, Bryson, are you all right?

Oh, never better.

We can start, maybe,
right there and...

Hello, there.

You guys, uh, doing all right?

Yeah, we're fine.

Because, look, when we
get over to the other side,

we can just come back and
grab your packs if you want?

You know, it's easy for us.

- Not a problem.
- Happy to help.

We like hard, we don't like
easy. But thanks a lot, you know.

- All right, then.
- Okay.

- Excuse us. All right.
- Yep.

- Nice guys.
- Yep.

- I hate 'em.
- Me, too.

Well...

- That went well.
- It was refreshing.

Bryson, you've got
everything a man could want.

And here you are, tramping
around in the woods with me.

Seriously, what gives?

I don't know.

As John Muir once said,
"Sometimes a man just has to

"get a loaf of bread and throw it into
a sack, and jump over the back fence."

Oh, I got you.

Life's a little too perfect
inside that fence, huh?

- No, no, no...
- Oh, you made sense, Bryson.

You're a caged animal.

You wanna get back
into that forest. Live a little.

- That's not it.
- No, that's got to be it.

So why'd you come?

I guess I didn't want to
spend the rest of my life in jail.

- What?
- It's nothing, really.

Just a couple of outstanding warrants
I didn't show up for and stuff like that.

Jesus, Stephen, that's really
not something you can run from.

Actually, you kind of can.

Same old Stephen. Always
running from something.

Oh, really? You're one to talk.

Not you.

Remind me again
why we're out here?

It's was not like you had
something better to do.

As I recall, in fact, you
begged me to come.

I begged? I begged
to come? I asked.

You know what
cracks me up, Bryson?

Is how predictable your whole life
has become, right down to the Volvo.

God forbid somebody
should evolve

rather than squandering
away their existence.

I mean, look at you. All these years
and you're still stuck at square one.

Hey, Bryson. Are you happy?

What the hell kind
of a question is that?

Pretty important
question, I'd say.

What, do you think you're happy?

I think...

Wow.

The Smokies.

Now this is interesting.

Oh, God, this is amazing.

From here you can see
all three kinds of rock.

There, you see that layered
section across that slant?

- Yeah.
- That's sedimentary.

And the dark stuff here, pushing
up from underneath, that's igneous.

Think volcanic.

How do you know all this stuff?

Well, there are these
things called books.

- Oh. No kidding, they're called books?
- Yeah, they're like TV for smart people.

See, what we're talking
about here, Katz, is time.

Geologic time.

Hundreds of thousands of years of
enormous, shifting tectonic plates.

It's like the world being reborn from
below while it's being eroded from above.

Yeah. Well,

when we get back I'm
gonna buy you a TV.

Because nobody gives a fuck
about shifting tectonic plates.

Well, I do.

You know why?

Because I'm curious,
and I love being curious.

I like knowing things about
the world that we're living in.

Well, I think it's
all fucking rock.

Oh, yeah?

I don't get bogged
down in the minutiae.

- I'm above the details.
- You are?

I'm big picture, Bryson.

Oh. How's that
working out for you?

Ah, pretty, uh, fucking good.

Hello.

We'd like a room, please.

Two rooms.

Oh, the Cubbies lost a double
header, and they're 11 games back.

Don't act surprised.

Tonight would be preferable.

Hello there?

Where are the Red Sox?

Red Sox? Are you
fucking kidding me? Whoa.

Excuse me, ma'am.

- Red Sox?
- I live in New England.

Yeah, but Bryson, it's not about
where you live, it's about who you are.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm the kind of guy that
likes it when a team wins now and then.

Well, you don't...

You don't give up on a team just
because they've had a few bad years.

A few bad years? Jesus.

Baseball is about loyalty.

Like, she knows what I'm
talking about. Don't you?

Would you two like a minute?

Hi, I'm Jeannie.
How can I help y'all?

Mother, let go of
the man's hand.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Um, we'd like a couple
of rooms. Please.

Oh, sure. Where
are you all from?

Uh, I live in New Hampshire, but
I spent over 10 years in England.

- Mostly in the north countryside...
- He's from Iowa.

Well, the rooms are 40 a night
and you can pay when you leave.

Mother, I said, "Let
go of the man's hand."

Thank you.

Helluva grip.

The Cubs should sign her. She'd
be the youngest in their bullpen.

- I guess this is me.
- Yeah, okay. I'm right here.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. All right. I'll see you.

Yeah.

Ah!

- Hi.
- Hello, again.

- How can I help you?
- I just need some towels.

- Oh. I'm sorry about that.
- That's fine.

- Here, come with me.
- Okay.

Yeah, it's family owned and operated. For
three generations, if you can believe it.

Oh, I can.

It has a personal feel to it.
That's pretty rare these days.

Eighty-three years.

Wow.

We, um... We added the
restaurant 10 years ago.

- So you manage that, too?
- Yeah.

Somebody's gotta do it.

It's not so bad. I get to
meet interesting people.

I'm not sure I
qualify as interesting.

Oh, I wasn't talking about you.

Sorry. Could not resist.

- I'm glad I'm here to amuse you.
- Yeah, yeah. Me, too.

This is you.

You must be exhausted.

Holy shit.

I... I gave you a couple extras.

Enjoy your shower.

I will, thanks.

Do you need anything else?

No. Not at the moment.

Okay.

Well, you know
where I am. All right.

We're not here right now,

but please leave a message
and thank you for calling. Bye.

Hi, sweetie. It's me. Uh,
just calling to say I love you.

Right, right. That's the one.

Nice, isn't it? I like it.

Everything good
on the home front?

She's impressed we
haven't killed ourselves yet.

She's not the only one.

Did you tell her
about last night?

What?

You in a robe?

The proprietress, I'm sure,
was looking to hand over

more than just towels.

You're out of your mind.

Am I?

Sure will make a steamy
chapter in the book.

Katz, I told you I'm
not writing a book.

Listen, I'm going to
go over to, uh, K-Mart.

Get a couple of
things. You okay?

Oh, I'm in my happy place.

Good.

Idiot!

Oh, wait, wait.

Here, here.

- Here you are, ma'am. Here you go.
- Oh, thank you.

- Pardon me.
- Hmm?

I'm so sorry. Do you think
you could give me a hand here?

Well, certainly.
I'd be happy to.

What seems to be the problem?

I'm having a difficult
time removing my panties.

Well, luckily you're

- in the presence of an expert.
- Oh.

May I?

- Oh, they're silk, aren't they?
- Mmm-hmm.

I'm a pantyologist.

Really? I've never
heard of that.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Well,

these aren't gonna
do you much good.

Well, they might not
do me much bad, either.

No.

- Jesus, Bryson.
- Don't ask.

You been screwing hogs again?

You're just jealous.

Actually, I'm not.

In your absence, my romantic
life has taken a turn for the better.

Remember the laundromat?

Her name is Beulah.

Seriously?

Yeah, seriously. And
she's got a beautiful body.

Buried under two
hundred pounds of fat.

But then, you know I kinda
like a little meat on the bone.

Sure, as long as you don't have to
remove a wall to get her out of the house.

How did this happen?

She asked me if I would
come take a look at her panties.

- What?
- They were caught in the agitator.

And they were shredded.

So I'm gonna meet her this
afternoon in front of the fire station.

Is that where she keeps
her spare underwear?

I'm telling you, man, I felt a
stiffening of the old resolve.

- Oh, yeah?
- I got her these.

Oh, she's a big woman.

Where'd you get these?

K-Mart. I took a cab.

Um, I thought I'd give
'em to her at dinner.

As an ice-breaker.

You're gonna give those
to her in a restaurant?

Yeah.

Unless you think
it's a bad idea.

No. I think that's a great idea.

Good.

Hey.

- You had the turkey, right?
- Yes.

- Enjoy.
- All right.

We go. We go.

- What are you talking about?
- There's some guy looking for me!

Some guy?

Beulah's husband.

- Beulah's got a husband?
- Yeah.

I mean, there's only two guys on the
planet that would go to bed with her,

and here we are in
the same damned town!

So what happened?

I'm standing in front of the
fire station like we planned.

Yeah.

And then around the corner comes
this red pickup and it screeches to a halt.

And this big guy,
he's angry, he gets out,

and he's walking up towards
me, and he's going like this.

"I want to talk to you."

- So what did you do?
- I ran.

You ran?

Yeah. I can move like
a jack-rabbit if I have to.

- So he didn't catch you?
- No, no. He's 600 pounds.

He's not exactly a track star.

He's cruising around now in his
red pickup truck looking for me.

I been running through back
yards, clothes lines, all sorts of shit.

- Well, you're safe now.
- This guy is...

Red pickup!

And there's another one!

Come on, Bryson, we need a plan!

Why don't you go out and talk to the
guy, huh? I'm sure he's reasonable.

That's your plan?

I don't need a plan.
I'm not being chased.

Now, come on, Bryson,
we gotta get outta here.

- Yeah.
- Come on, don't mess around with me.

Please?

- Come on!
- Yeah, yeah.

Hey buddy, you in there?

It's Bubba T. Flubba! Are you in
there, boy? Come out, you chicken shit!

Come on! Don't mess around!

Open up!

I know you're in there,
you son of a bitch!

Holy shit.

He's here!

I don't care where
the hell you are,

I'll knock every one of
these damned doors down!

Come on, I know you're in here
somewhere, you son of a bitch!

I don't care where you
are, I'm gonna find you!

I want to know who's been
messing with my Beulah!

- Bring your ass out here!
- Come on, Bryson!

Pull me through!
He's at the door!

Open the goddamned door!

Come on, move it! Move it!

But what about Basel?
When we stole the boat?

We didn't steal the boat,
we borrowed the boat.

Yes, well, the girl's uncle with
the shotgun, he saw it differently.

He sure did.

You know, you
missed out in Greece.

I'd kind of had my
fill by that point.

When you said you were gonna
go to England, I thought you'd last,

one week. Tops.

- Well, I met a gal.
- Yeah.

And that was that.

Well... Yeah, thank you.

Cathy seems great. But obviously
you've been with other women.

Never?

In the last 40 years?

Nope.

Bullshit, you son of a bitch.

I saw you undress that
proprietress six ways to Sunday.

- You can't tell me you didn't.
- Well...

One woman all these years?

Yep.

That can't be good for you.

I mean, when was the last
time that you even got a, uh...

Well, never mind. I know
how married women are.

Really? Is that so?

Yeah. Trust me. I've been with way
more married women than you have.

Hey, Katz, you awake?

No.

What was that?

How the hell should I know?

It sounded big.

Everything sounds big
in the woods, Bryson.

It's probably just
a skunk. Go to bed.

Did you pack a knife?

No.

Nothing sharp?

Nail clippers.

Swell.

Just leave it alone,
Bryson. It will go away.

Oh, yeah, well if it is a bear
and it comes toward you,

what are you going to
do? Give it a pedicure?

Jesus! Two fucking
bears staring right at me.

Oh, god dammit,
Bryson, get some sleep.

Holy shit.

If they come for us, play dead.

If they come for
us, we are dead.

No, wait, wait, wait.

That's grizzlies. Wait a minute.

Motherfuck. They're
tearing everything apart.

Okay. "Stand up as tall as
you can to intimidate the bear."

Intimidate the bear?
They're fucking bears!

We've got to scare them off.

Get! Scat!

You gotta put this in the book.

- There's not going to be a goddamned book.
- Oh.

Jeez. Damn.

Come on, we're having fun.

Holy shit.

- Look at this.
- What?

This is the trail.

Here we are. We're
not even halfway there.

- This can't be right.
- Son of a bitch.

No way that's to scale.

It says, "Map to Scale".

That's it. New plan.

God damn it.

I'm telling you, Bryson,
there's a lot of advantages.

You want to drive
the Appalachian Trail?

No, no, just jump ahead. Pick
up the trail a little further north.

You know, we can
rent a car over here.

Then we're mobile,
we'll see more.

Check out local
points of interest.

Bigger field of vision.

Bryson, as a friend,

do this for me.

Hey, you're not gonna
believe the deal I got on this.

Katz...

This beauty represents
not one, but two upgrades.

Satellite radio, leather seats,
sunroof. Same price as a Camry.

If you can believe that.

Here you go, Mr. Katz. Just three
quick initials and you'll be on your way.

We can't do this.

Of course we can.

I came out here to
accomplish something.

Not to just give up when
things got a little tough.

We're not giving up, Bryson.

What does it matter if
we skip the shitty parts?

- No one's gonna know.
- Well, I will.

I'm not a quitter. I know it
served you well in your life,

- but I finish what I start.
- Bryson.

- Did we not both see the same map?
- Yeah.

You have no chance
of finishing this trail.

None. Zero. Zilch.

Well, I'm sure
as hell gonna try.

Hike until you die.

Where do I sign up?

We're two old men, Bryson.
You gotta quit thinking otherwise.

Speak for yourself.

Just because you don't accept something,
Bryson, doesn't mean it's not true.

Well, that's interesting,
coming from you.

Just three initials is all...

It's everything
with you, Bryson.

Christ, if someone asks you where
you're from, you can't even answer.

Oh, so I'm the
one in denial, huh?

When you're the one
hiding whiskey in your pack.

- Oh.
- I saw the bottle.

So I guess neither of us
can accept who we really are.

Oh, I know who I
am and why I'm here.

I came out here to be with you,

to sneak in one last
adventure before it's too late.

Well, this is my adventure,
and you signed on.

You can do whatever you want,
but you're not going to drag me down.

- If you could just use that pen to sign...
- Fine!

- I don't want your car.
- Excuse me?

I don't want your goddamn car.

Fine!

- Well, that's the spirit.
- Yeah. Fuck.

I sure am glad we
aren't driving right now.

- You?
- I couldn't be happier.

You know, 50 years ago,

one in every four of these
trees was an American Chestnut.

- You know what that is? You ever seen one?
- I think so.

It's incredible.

They rise from the forest
floor, clear to the top. 100 feet.

And their branches contain
an acre of leaves. An acre.

You look into these woods

and you think they've always
been there and always will be,

like this old oak tree here.

And then you think about the poor
unsuspecting American Chestnut,

and think just in a lifetime...
Poof. Gone. Just like that.

What happened to it?

A fungus.

You know. Just, you
know, time. Nature.

You know, Bryson, I
wasn't actually hiding this.

I wasn't lying about
being dry either.

The thing is, Bryson, I love
to drink. Everything about it.

I love the taste.

And that buzz you get
after you've had a couple.

I love the smell of the tavern,
right down to the urinal cakes.

Hmm.

But instead of going into the
taverns like everybody else,

I go home to my little
apartment, and heat my TV dinner,

and feel all virtuous
like I'm supposed to.

But you know, night after night
it's hard to persuade yourself

that you're living a rich
and thrilling existence.

I mean, if they
had a fun-o-meter

the needle wouldn't exactly be
jumping into the orgasmic zone.

You know what I'm saying?

I mean, there's just this hole in
my life where drinking used to be.

I know I can't drink.

I mean, one drink
will lead to 10.

And the next thing, I'll find myself
underneath a bridge somewhere.

That's why I carry this.

To remind myself that I can.

Or maybe I carry
it in case I can't.

Here.

Open it.

It's sealed.

Give it to me.

It's shaking.

Do you think I have it in me

to never have another
drink for the rest of my life?

Yeah. I do.

That was a nice moment.

Real dramatic.

Christ if I don't
already regret it.

Ain't that life.

Watch it.

You know, Bryson, I still dream
about Amorina. You remember her?

Oh, God, can't
forget a girl like that.

You know guys like us aren't supposed
to meet women named Amorina.

Disturbs the natural order.

Still the best boobs I've ever seen,
and I've seen a lot of boobs, Bryson.

Yeah, I'll bet.

Hey, you remember her sister?

Oh, God, that poor girl. They
couldn't have been sisters.

If you're going to be
ugly, you better be funny.

And if you're ugly and you're
not funny, you better have money.

And if you're zero for
three, you better be slutty.

She was.

Wait a minute, how
did you know that, huh?

Well, actually...

Jesus Christ.

Next time you do that,
let me know, okay?

It's more fun if
it's a surprise.

- You all right?
- You okay?

Yeah.

Jesus.

Oh...

We are fucked.

Monumentally.

There's no way out over here.

Uh...

- What are you doing?
- I'm gonna get us out of here.

- Give me your pants.
- Uh, no, no.

You've been planning
this the whole time, Bryson.

Just give me your pants, okay?

Okay.

Okay. Knot this thing.

- All right?
- Okay.

Here we go.

It is embarrassing,
Bryson. Give me that thing.

You gotta admit, pretty
good aim, though, huh?

Yeah. But you're supposed
to hold on to one end of it.

Well, you know,
it's not that high.

Here, I got it. You see this?
You could come up here.

I'll be around like this and you
could climb up on my shoulders.

- Wanna try it?
- Okay.

Okay. Hang on.

- Okay?
- Yeah.

We can make it. Hold...

- You all right? What?
- Yeah, hang on. You know...

This isn't... You've got to get
lower, so I can get on your shoulders.

Fuck. Fine.

Okay.

- Okay?
- Yeah.

Okay. There we go.

Bryson, I really
don't like this.

No, no, it's good, it's good.
Now, you stand up. Stand up.

Jesus!

Who are we kidding?

For Christ's sake, I can't even
get myself up from that position.

- All right, then. I'll stand on your back.
- How about I stand on your back?

You know,

I think we're really stuck here.

Yeah. Yeah, we are.

You know, on the East
coast hardwoods are dying.

Not just the chestnut,

but the elm's on its
way, too, you know.

Fifty years, this
could all be gone.

Thirty days.

Hmm?

Thirty days in jail. I
was afraid of 30 days.

Compared to this,

I mean, it's like a
goddamned trip to the spa.

God, all I've done is
write forewords for books

for the last four
and a half years.

I should have just retired.

Catherine was right, what
the hell am I trying to prove?

Women love a felony record.

Maybe not up in New
Hampshire, where you are.

But in Des Moines, it
would have served me well.

Do you just get
to the point where

it's all about ailments, and
medications, and funerals,

and who's being
diagnosed with what,

and everyone's just
waiting around for the end.

- Holy shit.
- What?

I just realized, we're
the guy in the article.

You know, the, uh, decomposed
guy. Remember that?

That'll be us.

How long does it take
a body to decompose?

Well, you don't have to worry.

You're so chock-full of preservatives,
you'll be on this ledge forever.

Well, scientists will come from all
over the world to study me, you know.

I miss Catherine.

I miss Des Moines.

You know, I haven't missed
a State Fair in 39 years.

I always say, "When I miss one,

"I'll be dead."

You know, she makes this
little sound whenever I hug her.

I don't even think she knows it.

I've never told her
how much I love that.

I just don't want her to think this
trip had anything to do with her.

She knows.

Believe me, women have a
way of knowing these things.

Yeah, but still,
I'd like to tell her.

Well, write her a note.

People love to get notes.

- Hey, you know, you're right.
- Yeah.

Hey, that's a great idea.

You know, Bryson, you're
the only guy I'd risk my life with.

I want you to know that.

And the only asshole who can get me
out on a ledge in the middle of nowhere.

I'm sorry we lost touch.

I know. Yeah, me too.

Goddamned gorgeous night.

It sure is.

You think there's
anyone else on Earth

looking up at the sky and
seeing as many stars as we are?

I don't know.

I gotta be looking at a million.

The naked eye can see 2,000.

Well, then I really got great
eyes 'cause I'm looking at a million.

Alpha Centauri's the closest.
That's four and a half light years away.

Four and a half? That's not bad.

Each light year is six
trillion miles, so that's...

twenty six trillion miles.

- Twenty-six trillion. That's the closest?
- Yep.

And there's one hundred
billion stars in our galaxy.

There's more galaxies in the universe
than there are grains of sand on earth.

That is big.

- And we are small.
- Yeah.

What the...

People?

People? People?

- People?
- People?

People! Hello!

- Hello! Hello, down here!
- Hello!

Help, please!

Help!

Hey, down there.

You've got to be shitting me.

What happened to your pants?

- Uh, it's a long story.
- Copy that.

You guys just stay put.
We'll get you out of there.

- Nice fellas.
- Yeah.

- I love those guys.
- Me, too.

- You still got some of that jerky?
- Yeah.

You still good on water?

- About three-quarters. You?
- Yeah, same.

- Hey, Stephen?
- Yeah?

Do you want to go home?

Yeah, I do. I really do.

We weren't even close, were we?

What are you talking
about? We did it, Bryson.

We never even laid
eyes on Mount Katahdin.

Another mountain? How many
mountains do you need to see?

- That's one way of looking at it.
- That's the only way of looking at it.

As far as I'm concerned, we
walked the Appalachian Trail.

We walked it in the heat,
we walked it in the snow,

we walked it
until our feet bled.

We hiked the
Appalachian Trail, Bryson.

Maybe you're right.

- You guys called a cab? All right.
- Yeah.

This thing's heavy. You
been carrying it awhile?

All the way from Georgia.

You don't say. Good for you,
fellas. Hey, where you guys from?

Iowa.

That's not possible.

No such thing as a
Red Sox fan from Iowa.

Here you go.

"Dearest Catherine..."
That's as far as you got?

It's lucky we were saved.

There are certain things
you just can't put into words.

Safe journey, okay?

Yeah.

You still owe me 600 bucks.

You know I'm good for it, right?

Oh, yeah.

Remember me?

Oh.

She had one hell of a
stack of pancakes. Katz.

I hate your guts.

Never buy underpants for
a woman you don't know.

Fuckers still didn't get me.

Bryson, just
wondering, what's next?