Original subtitles

(Transcrito por TurboScribe.ai. Atualize para Ilimitado para remover esta mensagem.) It'd be nice to be a dog, wouldn't it? Like a pit, just like, you don't have to talk to

no one, no one can really talk to you because you can just look at them and like they're

complete bellends. But, look, look, wouldn't it be great to sit there, you don't have to

answer anyone, you've got no problems, you don't give a monkeys, just make sure I'm fed

and I will trot around and sit there and do whatever I want. What a dog's life, eh?

If she's pregnant, it'll be great, but we'll know that tomorrow probably. Right, here goes

the Tipperary, let's have a little look here. I've lost Blondie as well, I don't know where

she's gone. It looks like that's just been done. That's basically another helipad, isn't

it? Whoever thought the country life was a peaceful life had never stepped foot into

my corner of West Sussex. I tell you now, this ain't worth the grief. I'm done! I'm

eight weeks into my latest build project and it's not just the gang that's crazy this

year. Work on the manor house is at full throttle. Now you're talking about bringing someone in,

now you're starting to frighten me. It's nothing. Because now you're going to be 50 under grand,

aren't you? So bad, this is. And the costs are skyrocketing. Not a dollar over 30 grand.

With no end in sight. Then he rings me up, he goes, 48 grand. I went mental. How much

today? Well, normal price. What, make it up as I go along price? Exactly. How much is it? If

you bought it online, two and a half thousand. I wouldn't buy it online, but I'd give you 500 for

it. Oh my, good God. Thousands are going out the window, out the sunroof, the window. Things on

toast this month, then. I know a ballpark, what it is. It's going to be 500 to a million by the

time we're done, because you keep un-urping stuff. I open my account and don't watch this.

Whilst it's going like the clappers up here, down by the goat pen, Wobbs's clearance crew

have come to a standstill. Come on. Instead of munching a clear path through the woods,

this lot are more interested in Wobbly's nuts. I knew this would happen. Come on. They don't want

to be locked in there for the day. That's what it is. They're not silly. Come on. They're getting

on my tits, these goats. Tell you what, this ain't going to want to get caught. I signed up for the

goat project. Wobbs, can you build us a goat pen? No problem. But then, can you put the goats out

in the morning? Can you get the goats in in the evening? Can you feed the goats? Can you milk

the goats? Can you look after the goats? Yeah. Come on. Gotcha. Right, come on. Chin goes through

there and that goes over his head. Do you think a donkey would be better? No, I think a machine

would go through there in about 10 minutes, done, smash. That one's gone. Come here. Oh,

that's his bollocks. Just wait there. Come on.

No, I've been chasing goats about. It's definitely a two-man job putting them out in the morning,

honestly. Yeah, not easy. Now I've got a cold breakfast because I've been chasing

goats around the countryside. Oh, nice. There you go. I would like to sit down and renegotiate

my contract, please. I'm spending hand over fist on me 300-year-old fixer-upper. So these goats

are one drain on the old wallet I need to put a stopper in. The goats were never going to earn

their keep. I think you needed six or eight big ones to come in. When I saw them, it was end of

story. I've got so much to do with Wobbly. I've taken him off the construction and given him

a bit of an holiday, to be fair, but they're jobs I need doing. And running a petting zoo ain't one

of them. So as they're not pulling their weight... Am I pleased to see this young lady? She's come

to end my goat-keeping career. I'm cancelling their contracts. Right, ready, Bob? Yeah, let's try.

Come on then. Here we go. This is the governor, this one. Mummy here. She's the one.

I think it was a big ask to get them to do what Vinnie wanted them to do. So it didn't go that

well, really. We didn't go well at all, really, because they hardly touched it. So I'd say it was a

complete waste of time. I wouldn't mind buying some goats. Oh, fuck off. The little holiday's over with the goats

and he's going back on the tools. So that's that. Bye. Time and patience is in short supply

at the moment, so Wobbly's little posse is one addition to the farm I'm glad to see the back of.

Especially as I've got another one about to blow into town.

Are you okay? Yeah. I've just spoken to Colesie. He's in a bit of a bad way, I think, honey.

He ain't got nowhere to live. Me and Colesie, we go back to when we were 10-ish, football,

common denominator with a lot of my friends, football. He is the kind of lad that would win

the lottery and lose the ticket on the way to collect his winnings. He finished with his

girlfriend, the relationship went, lost his job and everything, and I got a call. I said, come here,

get your stuff, come down the farm, we'll sort something out. What I'll do is give him his old

job back driving. He can come with me while I'm on the gentleman. We're all over the place this year.

We're at Ashcombe, we're at Badminton, Beaconsfield, we're at West Wycombe.

Yeah, yeah. I don't want to do all that driving, love. He knows the ropes around the film set,

you know. But do you want me to pass over any duties to him? It'll just be like a PA. If you've

got things to do, he loves driving, that's his thing. He's going to be the new PA? Yeah.

Not figures and paperwork and all that. Right. No, just like if we got a few days off,

you know, he can go and do the dry cleaning runs and stuff like that. Okay.

Colesy and Vinny have got a massive amount of history and it's very sweet that Colesy has

called Vinny in his moment of need and Vinny's been able to offer that help. I mean,

just how much testosterone can you handle? I'm just surrounded by boys.

Throw in another one. What difference does it make?

This year, my crazy gang has spread over 2,000 acres of countryside.

So although it may feel like they're playing at opposing ends,

my breakfast club gets us all back on the same side.

You know, I went and sat up there with a dog on top of that hill last night for about 50 minutes

and it was just unbelievable, just watching the wildlife. Breakfast club, to me, it's going to be

going back a little bit to Yellowstone. A lot of the scenes are in the bunkhouse and they're

playing cards or they're having breakfast, I mean. So I just said to them, Andy, come in,

cook us all a lovely big fry up and happy days. All the helipad lights are in, so you can switch

them from your phone when you're up in the helicopter. We chew the fat, we put everything

to rights, we see what's going on, good for camaraderie. We're getting there, yeah, yeah.

But there's these little bits added on, well, you know, that crack.

Yeah, but can you just? Yes.

You know, when we get going again, we're on the front foot.

What's the plan, Robs? What's the plan down there?

It's cracking on, mate.

There's not many places you work where the guy you're working for basically prepares

you all breakfast and you sit down and you have a chat. It's lovely.

And heading in for today's fry up is me old mucker from way back, Colesie.

Oh, Colesie. So back to the farm. Yeah. You've spoken to Vin. Yeah, he said,

I think it might be your lucky day. How do you fancy coming on The Gentleman? I love the film

sets. You know, I was there from his very first film to his, he took me to America for Gone in

60 Seconds. Oh, wow. How was that? I loved it. It's like two little kids we were, wasn't we?

You know? What's so lovely about Vinnie and Colesie's friendship is they've known each

other for so long. You can't buy the time that you've spent with somebody. It's history that

they've got together. Angelina Jolie, first night I was there, I used to smoke cigars and she came

up to me and said, you got a spare cigar? I didn't know who she was. I thought she was an extra.

And she said to me, what do you want with your life? And I said, well, I'm absolutely,

I don't know. I'm over the moon at the moment. You know, it don't get better than this.

What was her name, Tim Reed? Lara Croft.

That's it. Okay, yes. Never seen one. Never seen Tim. Never seen one.

Welcome, welcome. Thank you. Here we are. You've landed and we got here in one piece.

We did. Thank you very much. Much appreciated. You are welcome.

Hello. Hello, everybody. How are you doing?

How are you doing? Oh, my God.

You all right? Long time, no see.

Yeah, not bad, are you wobbly? You all right?

You've been hiding, Cosy. No, nice to see you, son.

Nice tan. Yeah.

Nice tan, son. He looks like he's dropped a bit of weight.

Paul, Sally, how are you all? You've come to join the asylum then,

Cosy, have you? Yeah, I have, yeah. I've had a long

journey, to be honest with you. What have you been up to then, Cosy?

Nothing much, really. Lost my job and split up with the missus, but life goes on, doesn't it?

So you're here to do a bit of work, then? I'm here for the foreseeable future.

The trouble is, every time I take him on a film set,

he tries to nick the limelight, wobbly. Does he?

He was in Lockstock, he was in Snack. Tell him what you...

Give him your line in Lockstock, son, that never made it.

I was a hot dog seller. Right, was he, son?

On Lockstock. Oh!

Guy gave him a part in Lockstock. The line, one line.

Six months, we used to rehearse it in the pub and everyone knew it.

Action, boom. Come up, two hot dogs, mate, and it's the way you deliver the line.

So this is Dave, and Cosy goes... Do you want onions, mate?

That was my line. I thought it was onions with that, mate.

No, do you want onions, mate? Are you sure?

Yeah, I know, I was acting it out. Yeah, yeah.

And at the premiere, Guy went,

shh, Cosy, I had to leave you out, son.

He went, no, no.

26 years I've known Guy. Well, there you go.

He's been good to me for my acting career.

Nice to see my old brother.

You two going back a few years, India? Yeah.

50 years, them two, same as me. Really, yeah?

A lot of people think we look alike.

Got the same diet, I would say.

No, it will keep the Cosy boy busy.

I think that's what you need right now, isn't it? Get the head straight.

You don't think this place is an oddy camp, do you?

No, I know it ain't. It ain't an oddy camp with him.

It's boot camp. There you go.

Mand, make a load of rolls up for the lads, can you?

Sausage and bacon rolls. Yeah.

Please.

It's not just the lads that can put it away these days.

Oh, really?

Really? And where have you been?

Do you want to talk to me?

It's been three weeks since Pip's hot date with love-hound Ted.

See, when you look here... Look, hun.

She's pregnant.

Are you? Are you?

Look at her tail going. It sank in there.

Go on. What is it? What is it?

And that's the thing, she's absolutely scavenging.

She's eating, eating, eating.

She ate half of that leg of lamb last night, didn't she, really?

Yes, she did. Is it a mouse? You know a mouse.

Wobbly's first task as conservation builder was a swing and a miss,

so I'm giving him a chance to gain back some advantage with his next job.

What is the idea of the chickens?

You want to be a chicken farmer.

I've had chickens, ducks, geese all my life,

and then I really want some chickens.

A nice little chicken coop.

The thing about when everyone gets chickens, they get so many eggs,

but when we have 10 or 12 people for breakfast on a Wednesday,

Mandy can use it and get rid of all the eggs, all right?

OK. And do you want to run,

or are you just going to let them out and get them back in at night?

No, because the foxes will smash them.

So I think, what about this?

Ten by tens here. Yeah.

Chicken coop in the middle. Right.

And we put electric fence around it.

It's going to be a while before this brood comes home to roost.

Yeah, we've just got to put a little chicken coop here.

Can't see much going wrong with this one.

In the meantime, I've got my new player to try out.

It's been a few years since Colty's been my driver,

so before my next shoot on The Gentleman,

I want to make sure his skills are up to scratch.

Why do you keep, like... What?

Bit of power and then off, and then power and off?

You got a... I'm not...

..foil on the bottom of your foot or something?

I'm probably not a really...

No, I'm not really an easy person to drive.

I get really bad car sickness.

Why do you go like that, and then you're driving like...

What do you mean? I'm not. I'm relaxing. I'm relaxing.

Well, don't relax. You're at work. You shouldn't relax at work.

Oh, God. You should be on it.

Found a couple of pictures of that foreign ambulance cup final.

Have you? You're not in them. Oddie's in them.

Shut up, you load of wankers.

Oh, dear, have I touched the nerve?

You peaked too early in your career, Gray. That was the trouble.

You got to 12 years old and you peaked.

I went on to win the FA Cup, Colesley.

You're going up the kerb on your corners.

I'm not touching the kerb. It's them glasses.

You're like this, up and down. You're like this.

They're not up and down. Why don't you get driving glasses?

Vin, these are called Vari-Focals.

They're for driving... They're not Vari-Focal at all,

cos your head's going up and down. You're like a nodding dog.

Get in the back and nod like that.

Fucking nodding dog. Go round there.

I'm not like a nodding dog. It's like viewing, driving, reading.

That is a nodding dog, Graeme. You're like this.

Do you know what, mate?

Why have these Vi-Focal things and you're...

He's constantly doing this.

He's like that duck with the geezer with his arm up his arse.

Orville, whatever it is.

HE MIMICS A DUCK

Like a ventriloquist.

I don't think they're doing him any good whatsoever.

None at all.

I just want you to drive properly, cos I'm feeling car sick now.

Pull over here, then. I can drive.

I honestly do feel car sick.

Well, so do I. I've got a headache.

Do you want me to turn it off? No.

Oof.

Oh, my God.

I know your black glasses you wear when you wear them black ones,

the red and that. Yeah.

Do you know you look like Eric Walken?

HE LAUGHS

Honestly, have a look. Shut up, you complete bellend.

I feel much better now. Yeah, so do I feel much better.

The headache's going.

Have you actually honestly passed your test?

HE LAUGHS

Work at the manor house is motoring along.

And I want to make sure the driveway looks as sharp as the house.

I want the railings from here right up here and round.

All the wood's going. Right.

I don't throw me money about like willy-nilly.

I do like there to be a bit of a profit in everything.

Here's your gates. Right, good.

And blacksmith Goat is just the man for the job.

Here's me idea. Right.

The manor house, I know roughly what we've got to spend on it now,

but I do know what the value will be afterwards.

First of all, two pillars, Sussex gates,

opening woods, run the railings down there and round there.

What I want to do, I want to put a sign there saying,

to the manor house, right?

Come on, Pip, I know where you're going. Come on.

There's a load of logs down there with the mice in it.

That's what she's doing. Come on.

I got you. Kill her, Pip.

Do you want a puppy or not?

Is she pregnant? Hopefully.

We don't know. Come on.

We're not going there today.

Lovely post here. Yeah.

Metal post. Yeah.

Get rid of all the wood.

Yeah. One, two, three, four...

55 metres, say 60 metres. Yeah.

I don't think we need to rail this.

I think it's got to be open.

Yes. OK.

We can always put one in later on.

Doesn't matter. No.

What are we looking at?

Just the railings. Timescales, timescales.

No, no, no. Cash.

Go. Cash, money.

If we're going to do gates like that again,

they're going to be similar to what yours were.

Eight grand. At the house.

No, they weren't. They were 14, mate.

They were eight grand.

I'll look it up.

I can't do it off the top of my head, can I?

I'm going to get another price on this,

so don't be silly.

I'm not being silly.

Listen. Yeah.

I'll be honest with you.

I am not bullshitting.

There's another blacksmith.

Yeah, he's not going to make anything like this, mate.

Go. It's not 14 grand.

No, no.

For the gates.

No, I'm talking about all of it.

The whole lot.

The two rails and the gate.

Right, 14 plus the VAT for the whole lot.

You got that on camera.

Two railings and the gate.

The sign, we might add a little bit on it for the sign.

No, I only want a nice green one with the gold writing.

I don't know, 50 quid for the sign.

Oh, whatever.

Pip, come on.

It ain't difficult to drop a hefty chunk of change around these parts,

so I need to focus on where my readies are coming from.

Time to put my new PA into practice.

First official day on the job.

I'm getting everything ready.

Me diary, me scripts, me itinerary for the week.

We're into Gentleman 2 now.

Some big actors in this, like obviously Ray Winston's in it, Hugh Bonneville's in it.

My job is to tell him where we are and what day,

because it's too much for him.

He's got too much going on, do you know what I mean?

I'm getting it early, prepared.

Prepared for the rush.

I'm clocking up some serious miles whilst filming on The Gentleman.

And as the landy ain't cut out for long drives,

I'm looking to level up me car game.

I want to get one of these motors that we can travel for two or three hours in.

I can sit in the back, watch a bit of TV,

and be in absolute luxury and comfort.

Guy Ritchie's got one, and I had a good look at that,

a good sit in it with his driver and everything.

I thought, oh, yeah, this is a bit of me.

So I've called in an expert in the field.

Dave Ayre is the main man in luxury cars,

and he's been eyeing up me landy.

Yeah, very cool.

Ever since Tom Ayre went to town on it.

It's got a tracker and everything, obviously.

I'm sensing there's a deal to be made.

Right, so the story is, I wanted a Land Rover just to round the farm.

So I paid seven grand for it.

So then it went up to Tom for a year.

Every mortal detail has been done on it, what we wanted to spec.

Look at this. There's your plaque.

It's not a long distance motor.

You know, it's a growler, it's aggressive and everything else.

And to do three hours in this there and back is quite hard.

Yeah, I get it.

Very cool.

But it's absolutely as mint as it comes, mate.

Listen.

I'll let Tom keep negotiating with Dave while I get back to the day job.

Graham Cole's name on the scripts.

Officially the number one PA.

Morning.

How are you, all right?

You all right?

Where's Ted?

You all right?

What are you up to?

Nothing, just sorting out where we're going this week.

Right, talk me through it.

Where are we tomorrow?

Tomorrow we are Uxbridge.

Well, we can drive in the morning.

Yeah, that we've got...

Leave at half five.

Tuesday we're Brentcross.

We ain't got a start.

Oh.

Yeah, Brentcross.

And then...

Saturday as well.

We're working Saturday, yeah.

Where?

In London.

It's the car chase.

Yeah, but there's...

And how much dialogue scene?

I've got a big dialogue scene, haven't I?

Is that tomorrow?

I think that's tomorrow, isn't it?

You've got the ones on Tuesday.

What scenes are tomorrow, mate?

Show me the scenes tomorrow, please.

Right then.

Second script 12A, not page, scene.

I'm looking for it.

Where is it on there then?

Page 12.

Yeah.

Scene 11.

Yes.

Scene 12.

Yes.

So don't go by the page.

I know.

Right.

So anyway...

That's tomorrow.

That's all I've got.

I'll do that in the makeup room.

I'm in a good place.

Finished?

Finished?

Yeah, I've got to go and see this bloke.

I might have a...

You know, like these mini buses,

which have two seats in,

like a transporter with a TV and everything.

What do you want that for?

On these long journeys,

so I can have a sleep when you're driving.

But you don't like my driving.

The best thing I can do is sleep when you're driving.

Fantastic.

Right, anyway...

Go and do the oil in the thing and get the...

As they say in Russia, Moscow.

Moscow.

Have a nice day.

You need to get on the script, Graham.

You need to go and read that script, mate.

Robbie, it's got nothing to do with you.

Stick to your fucking hour boxes.

so we don't have to find you.

See you later.

Ta-ra.

Dave's had plenty of time to check out my Land Rover,

and I ain't got all day to go on a shopping spree.

Right, let's go.

Right, here.

Come on, you can't come.

Look, surrender.

Look at that person.

Surrender.

Jesus.

You're bloody...

You're like me with your mother.

With transport like this, Dave is definitely my type of geezer.

How many helipads have you got?

Two at the moment.

I will have another one.

But I haven't got a helicopter yet.

Left foot there, sir.

We're working on it.

How high are we going to go, Dave?

Right, 2,000 feet.

I used to have pilot lessons.

17 hours I did.

Did you? Did they code it for you?

And then realised I didn't like the heights.

So I didn't know I was going to go this high.

I'm looking forward to having a butcher's at these beauties.

So speaker's just going in.

So this is before we've taken it to bits.

In fairness, we get a car back to a shell in two hours.

Lovely.

There's all your TV.

You've got...

Oh, you've got two TVs.

Separate air conditioning controls here.

So they're moved from the cab to here, so you've got them.

Electric roof blind.

So sunroof blind.

Vanity mirrors.

Blondie, I love that.

Cop.

TV up and down.

Oh, wow.

Cosy.

Put the TV back up.

You really do feel like you're in a private plane.

Don't you?

This is actually better than a, you know, like business class.

And then you can have a coffee machine, whatever you want.

Can you see?

They're lovely and heavy.

So the fridge is under your armrest.

Yeah, brilliant.

Look at that.

There's three bottles of wine you can fit in there.

Do you know the first person I ever saw with one of these people carriers?

Brad Pitt, when he came on the stage.

And he came in with a people carrier.

Black people carrier.

And I went, oh, well, where's the Rolls or where's the Bentley, you know?

And he got out and he went, no, he's got much more room.

He said, you know, I'm like in a house, not in a shed, you know, room wise.

And he swears by him.

And he's had them for years, Brad Pitt.

This is, this is the nuts.

Push that button.

Yeah, all the way up.

Cos you go, oh, see what I mean?

That's, oh, yeah.

Now stick them on there.

Stick your feet on there.

Oh, yeah, that's the bollocks.

And then, and then you're away.

But this is just like, it's like taking an Advil PM, isn't it?

Dave definitely knows how to tempt the old VJ.

And whilst I'm out lining up the next motor,

Coles is earning his keep away from the gentleman

by teaming up with Wobbly on the chicken coop.

If you could help me out here, sir, that would be most enjoyable.

You're going to be pleasantly surprised.

I've actually had quite a lot of experience at painting and I'm quite good.

Hiya.

I used to work for a painting company.

Oh, well, you're the man for this then.

I can't stand it.

All about the rhythm, look.

Perfect.

It's a nice bit of paint, isn't it?

Oh, it's absolutely magnificent.

It really is.

No, it soaks in nice, that stuff.

Oh!

It's a good start, isn't it?

He's got it all over my boots, look.

I thought you said you did good paint.

Sorry, Wob.

Got my new labourer, so we'll see how he gets on, I think.

But he did tell me that he used to work for a painting firm

and he's very good at painting, so we'll see.

I think I might let Vinnie be the judge of that.

Cheers, Graham.

See you in a bit.

It's all in the rhythm.

So when do you want it?

How much are they?

Oh, yeah.

A nice spec car like that is about 190 grand.

And a helicopter trip.

That is free.

At the showroom, I'm starting to see how old Dave boy here

can afford to fly around in helicopters.

So we'll go for a jet spec with a partition wall on the configurator, yeah?

Yeah, with the TV and that.

Yeah, OK.

I think there's enough room for four seats.

I didn't until I just got in it.

Great, I'm pleased to hear it.

So I would keep the four seats, yeah.

Saddle round lowers.

TVs, two TVs.

Electric seats, absolutely.

150 plus fat, 180.

Here's the thing.

I've got a minibus, a Bentley, two Land Rovers.

One of them I've got 250 grand into.

The other one I've got 100 grand into.

The Bentleys, cut them 100 grand.

You know what I mean?

And then the next thing is, Mr. Statham's going to go, where'd you get that?

And then Mr. Guy Ritchie will come over the hill and he'll go, I want two of them.

They've got a lot more money than the VJ.

And you'll go, Vin, I wish I'd done you a better deal.

You really deserve it, mate.

What can you do?

I'll take the Defender in part.

Happy days.

For a brand new one of those.

I'll put it on the spot.

No, for a brand new one of those.

Yeah.

To that spec.

Yeah.

To your colour.

Everything as you want it.

Done.

Why am I just waiting?

Done.

Done.

Done.

There you are.

He's thrown me in by a car and he's ended up buying one of me.

Well, to get the new motor, there's going to be a sacrifice in another motor.

So one's got to go for another one to come in.

It's all money, money, money.

Cheers, boys.

Cheers.

While I'm busy saving money on the new motor,

back at the ranch, the lads are digging up more ways to spend it.

We began just to scrape the drive back of all of the stone to prep to

fill in any sort of imperfections and holes,

and found this colossal tank filled up with water.

Could be an old tank to supply the farm with water for animals,

or a well, or it's a bit of the unknown, really.

So now we need to mass fill this to take the hazard away and

eliminate the drive from sinking.

Vinny's back this evening and he's going to turn up with a crater in his drive

and get clouted with a concrete bill.

140 pound a cubic metre, roughly, plus that.

20 grand.

1,800, 2 grand.

And time.

Mountain power.

And delaying the job again.

Oh, I've just done the maths.

Just over three bags of sand.

Three grand.

He's not going to like that, do I?

Another day.