Original subtitles

♪ Men ♪♪

- 'Morning. - 'Morning.

You, by chance, have the number of a good chiropractor?

What about Alan?

[laughing]

Sorry. I couldn't resist.

What, is your back out?

Not yet, but I got a big date for Valentine's Day.

And if everything goes well, I'll need a chiropractor

a psychiatrist and a priest.

I can't wait for this stupid holiday to be over

so we can celebrate something cool, like..

...Free Bobblehead at Dodger Stadium Day.

- What are you talking about? - Valentine's Day.

Or what it should really be called

Dumb Greeting Card, Chocolate Covered

Overpriced Flowers, Can't Get a Dinner Reservation

I'm Probably Going To Die Alone Anyway Day.

Sounds like Cupid's arrow hit somebody

right in the the bile sack.

Don't get my started on that fat, flying baby.

What could you possibly have against Cupid?

First of all, he's wearing a diaper.

Yeah, that's sexy.

And then he's got wings, which make you think of angels

which makes you think of God, which makes you feel guilty

about having sex in the first place.

And in the second place.

Well, I for one, am going all out for Lyndsey this year.

Really? What's that mean?

Cemetery flowers and a coupon

for one free go-around on Mr. Alan's Wild Ride?

I am sparing no expense. Lyndsey deserves the best

and I am finally going to give it to her.

If you're giving it to her, it's not gonna be the best.

[phone beeping]

- Wow. - What?

I just got an e-mail from Kate.

She's in town. She wants to see me.

- Did she say why? - No.

Could be anything.

It could be nothing.

Could be something.

Could be something serious. What if she's dying?

What if she's pregnant?

Wait, what if she's dying to be pregnant?

The woman I love wants to have my child.

Oh, my God, I'm gonna be a father.

Advantage fat, flying baby.

You have the number of a good chiropractor?

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Ha ha ♪♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

- Kate. - Sam.

- Oh. It's.. - I'm kidding.

- Oh. - Hi, Walden.

Hi.

- Hi. - Hi.

I, uh, I got you your favorite coffee.

Hey, how'd you remember?

Please, how hard is it to remember

a Grande, extra hot, decaf, triple shot, five pump

vanilla, nonfat, no foam, whip cream, caramel macchiato?

Actually, I switched to tea.

- Oh. - It's a joke.

Well, you look great.

Success is really working for you.

Then again, you'd look great with a bag over your head.

That didn't come off as charming as I wanted it to.

Thank you.

I can't believe how lucky I've been.

Lucky? Come on, you have real talent.

I-I actually bought one of your dresses off your website.

Seriously?

Yeah, I haven't had a chance to wear it yet.

I've been waiting for the perfect occasion.

I was really surprised that you called me.

Yeah, I'm actually in town for a couple of days

on business, and I wanted to see you.

You did?

Me too. I mean other than stalking you on Facebook.

Well, I wanted to give you this.

It's the money you invested in me.

Oh, Kate.

I gave this to my girlfriend

so she could follow her dreams.

And I'm paying back my investor, so I don't owe him anything.

S-so this is why you wanted to see me.

Walden, we broke up.

When you break up, you give the other person their stuff back.

Yes, but it's usually a cellphone charger

and a bite guard.

Well, in this case, it's $100,000.

Well, I don't want it, but I do want my bite guard back.

Buy another one. Or thousand of them.

Kate, just put the money into your business.

It'll help you get to the next level.

I don't need it.

I've actually found a new investor.

That's how I'm able to pay you back.

So, we're no longer business partners.

- We are not. - Well, that's great.

That frees us up to be two young

crazy dreamers in love.

No.

Okay, how about two cautiously

optimistic adults sharing dinner?

I don't think that's a good idea.

Give me one more run at this.

Two old friends, chance encounter, bus stop

sharing a bag of tacos.

Not gonna happen.

Too bad.

I was really looking for an excuse to wear my new dress.

♪ Men ♪♪

Hi. Um, I am interested in doing something special

for my best gal on Valentine's Day.

Uh, how much is your Presidential Suite?

Uh-huh, I-I see.

Um, do you, by any chance

have a Secretary of Agriculture Suite?

Alright, alright, you know what, let me just book

your best regular-people room, and, uh..

...would it be possible to, uh, split the deposit

over three credit cards?

Oh, oh, sure, I'll hold.

Oh, oh, hey, how'd it go with Kate?

Let's just say she doesn't want me in her business.

Financial or lady.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, the only reason she wanted to see me

was to give me this stupid check for $100,000.

You're not stupid to me.

So, uh, what's the next step?

There is no next step.

- It's over. - What are you talking about?

She doesn't want anything to do with me.

Well, there's a good attitude.

Uh, let me ask you something.

Was it over for Lyndsey and me

when I burned her house to the ground?

No. Was it over for us

when I introduced her mom to my mom

who subsequently turned her into a rapacious lesbian? No.

And-and-and what about me living in this house?

Was it over when my brother died and you bought the place?

Sadly, no.

Right, because I am not a quitter.

And you aren't, either.

You're Walden Schmidt, captain of industry.

Titan of technology. Head honcho of..

...handsomeness.

- Ran out of steam? - Yes.

But you'll notice, I did not quit.

- Maybe you're right. - Of course I'm right.

Nothing is over until you say it's over.

With the possible exception of me moving out

which will only happen when you wheel me

into the assisted living facility.

You're right.

I'm gonna go talk to her. Thank you, Alan.

No problem, buddy. I will always be here for you.

Literally.

Oh, uh, hello. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Um, I have a MasterCard

a Discover card and my mom's Visa.

♪ Men ♪♪

- Walden. - Great.

You've already showered, now get dressed. We're going to dinner.

What? No.

Brrr. Sorry, wrong answer.

The head honcho of handsomeness

rejects your rejection.

Is that a title you gave yourself?

No, it was given to me by the man I live with.

How did you find my room?

- Told me at the front desk. - They're not supposed to.

They're also not supposed to accept bribes, but here I am.

I am not going to dinner with you.

Fine.

You don't want to go to dinner with me, then..

...then we will have dinner right here.

Look, your favorite, a half-eaten lobster

with a cigarette butt in it.

Oh, I was really hoping for coleslaw

with a Band-Aid in it.

Come on, Kate, go to dinner with him.

Don't be so shellfish.

You know you're an idiot, right?

I'm a persistent idiot.

Let me get dressed.

Yay.

Why would I do that?

♪ Men ♪♪

Oh, hey, there's my valentine.

Will you be mine?

'Hi, Alan. Yes, I will.'

Great, 'cause I got something special planned.

'Is this gonna be another scavenger hunt'

'that ends in your pants?'

No, no, this year, I booked us a room at the Bel-Air Hotel

with the full romance package.

'Oh, my God, are you serious?'

Oh, yeah, uh, candlelight dinner, dancing

couples massage, followed by savage sex

with the man of your dreams.

'Steve Buscemi's gonna be there?'

'That sounds amazing.'

'But how can you afford it?'

Ah, bup, bup, bup. Nothing is too good for milady.

Besides, a month without antidepressants

isn't gonna kill me.

'I don't know what to say.'

Oh, you don't have to say anything.

Just pack your bag

and your chariot will arrive at 6:00.

'Yeah, would it be okay if we took my chariot?'

- Why? - 'Really.'

'I have to say it out loud?'

'I don't want to pull up to the Bel-Air Hotel'

'in your piece-of-crap car.'

Oh, oh, uh, we can use your car.

Oh, and if the front desk refers to you as Evelyn Harper

just roll with it.

- 'Okay.' - Well, I love you.

'I love you too.'

Well. That went well.

I won't be needing these clues for the scavenger hunt.

♪ Men ♪♪

Wasn't that better than sitting in your room

all alone watching porn?

- Is that what you do? - What, me? No.

I'm a Bible guy.

Well, thanks.

I had a really nice time.

Me too.

Well, goodnight.

Uh, but..

- Goodnight? - Yeah.

Oh, I was hoping that maybe we could..

...you know, have hotel fun.

I don't sleep with guys on the first date.

First date? We lived together.

No, I lived with Sam Wilson.

Who you bare an uncanny resemblance to, but..

...still, I think we should take it slow.

Okay, I get it.

Goodnight.

- Kate? - 'What do you want, Walden?'

Oh, uh, it's not Walden, it's Sam Wilson.

'Go away.'

Eh, it was worth a shot.

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

'Morning.

Oh, there he is.

Come here.

- 'What?' - Just come here.

- Ah. - Oh!

Oh, what a lovely way to start the day.

Don't kiss me, I have morning breath.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

- What did I do? - You were right.

Kate and I wound up having a great time last night.

- Congratulations. - Yeah. It was perfect.

I mean it was the same chemistry

the same connection.

Hmm, when you say connection, are we talking love connection?

And by love connection, I mean brown chicken, brown cow.

- No. - No?

Nah, I didn't want to.

You know, I just wanted to take it slow

so we could connect on a more emotional, spiritual level.

Huh. Sounds pretty gay to me, but alright.

So when are you gonna see her again?

- Tonight. - On Valentine's Day?

- Yep. - Ooh.

That's a terrific day not to get laid.

- I know, right? - Oh.

Oh, hey, can I ask your opinion about something?

- Yeah, of course. - Great.

What-what do you think of this?

Whoa! Dude! What the hell?

Oh, uh, I-I did a little manscaping

for my, uh, my big night with Lyndsey tonight.

I wanted to surprise her.

Uh, does this look like a heart?

Uh.. Yeah, it looks great. I love it.

Uh, you're not even looking. Come on, I had your back.

Yeah, well, I don't want to have your front.

Please?

Fine. But I'm going to restrict my response

to only the nest.

I'm not going to comment on the baby bird

sitting on top of the eggs.

That's all I ask.

No.

Doesn't look like a heart.

What? It-it doesn't?

No. There's no cleavage, there's no dip.

It's just, there.

Wait, what are you talking about?

There's a...there's a curve right there.

The whole thing is lopsided.

Oh, no. It just looks that way 'cause I haven't fluffed. See?

No, it still doesn't look like a heart.

Fine, I'll keep working on it.

But it is very difficult to manscape from this angle.

- No, it's not. - Uh, yeah, it is.

Okay, just for a frame of reference..

...check out my manscaping.

Oh, my God.

- It's beautiful. - Mm-hmm.

[Berta] 'I knew it.'

So that's how you pay the rent.

♪ Men ♪♪

Alan, come on, let's go.

I want to spend every possible minute in that hotel room.

'One second! Just finishing off'

'one last Valentine's surp..'

[Alan screaming]

Alan?

[gasping] Oh, my God! What happened?

Manscaping..

...balls..

...hospital!

♪ Men ♪♪

Well, I believe we just combined Valentine's Day

with the Fourth of July.

What do you say we throw in Groundhog Day and do it again?

You know..

...I had no intention of sleeping with you.

I even wore my granny panties.

Well, the joke's on you

'cause I like a sensible, full-coverage brief.

I really missed you.

Me too.

Can I tell you a secret though?

Sure.

Sam Wilson is a much better lover than you.

I'm sorry.

I couldn't get my mind off of Alan's penis.

♪ Men ♪♪

Oh, please drive faster. I'm bleeding out of my scrotum.

Where in the world did you get the idea

to shave your pubic hair into a heart?

I read about it in a magazine.

- What magazine? - Marie Claire.

Doesn't look much like a heart.

Well, it's bleeding like one.

Oh. Oh. Oh, my God. This is the end.

- I'm seeing lights. - You're not dying.

- We're getting pulled over. - Oh, nice job, lead foot.

Do you want to keep your other ball?

'Evening, ma'am. Do you know why I pulled you over?

I know I was speeding, but I have a very good excuse.

- Is that so? - Show him, Alan.

- What? No! - Show him.

Oh!

Oh, sweet mother of God!

Is that a heart?

Thank you.

♪ Men ♪♪

Oh, my God!

Wha.. Alan, no.

Sorry. What's.. What's going on?

You're not going to believe this.

My business partner just found a factory.

We can start production on my line immediately.

That's great. Congratulations.

Oh, my God, this is so exciting.

We leave for China tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Oh, you know what? Wait..

I'm gonna be in Japan in two weeks on business.

I could hop over to China.

We could get some kung pao chicken

maybe adopt a baby.

Oh! Kung pao chicken is such a commitment.

Ah, wait.

In two weeks, I have to be back here.

Okay.

Oh, how about the week of the tenth?

I've a conference in Austin. You could come with me.

Oh. Let me check.

I don't know if you've ever been to a tech conference

but picture a comic book convention with nerdier guys.

You would be their queen.

Ah, no, that won't work.

Um..

- How about first week in May? - I can do the second.

And I can't.

This was a lot easier when we were both broke.

It was.

How about this?

Are you free for sex in 30 seconds?

I have an opening.

Let me check.

Well, I'll have to move

a few things around, but yes, I am.

♪ Men ♪♪

- Hi. - Hi.

How you doing?

I'm high, humiliated and hairless.

I'm sorry I ruined Valentine's Day.

What are you talking about?

Well, I wanted it to be special because, you know

I haven't always been the best boyfriend

or even a good boyfriend.

Or even an adequate boyfr..

Feel free to stop me at any time.

I'm just teasing you.

The fact that you even tried means everything to me.

- Really? - Really.

And driving 95 miles an hour behind a police escort?

Best Valentine's Day ever.

Oh, hey, you know, uh..

...we could pull this curtain.

Seriously?

They just put 10 stitches in your junk.

I thought we could take advantage of the swelling.

Okay.

- 'You ready?' - 'Ow.'

[Alan] 'Ow, ow.'

'Ow! Don't-don't stop.'

'Ow!'

[Alan grunting]

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

I know I'm going to regret asking this, but..

...how's your ball?

Throbbing and green.

So what's going on with you and Kate?

I don't know.

It's going to be hard to make a relationship work

with her traveling all around the world.

Mmm, that's rough.

Not tetanus shot in your sack rough, but..

Hey, how's she affording all this?

She's got some new investor with a lot of money.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah, except I don't know if I'm ever gonna see her again.

If you don't leave it alone, it'll never heal.

If you don't stop doing that

I'm gonna make you wear a cone around it.

♪ Men ♪♪

What a stroke of luck, you finding that factory in China.

I know.

Sometimes fate steps in and makes things happen.

I'm not gonna lie, I wish the timing were better.

Well, if he really loves you, he'll wait for you.

How did you know I have a boyfriend?

Oh, a pretty girl like you, you'd have to have a boyfriend.

He's amazing.

I'm crazy about him.

Been there.

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men men men men ♪

♪ Manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men ♪♪ Oo ♪

♪ Manly men men men ♪♪ Oo hoo hoo hoo oo ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men ♪♪ Oo ♪

♪ Oo hoo hoo hoo oo ♪♪ Oo ♪

♪ Men men men men ♪

♪ Manly men men men ♪♪ Hoo hoo ♪

♪ Men men men men ♪

♪ Manly men men men ♪

♪ Ha ha ♪♪ Men ♪♪