Original subtitles

| don't know why...

...but this painting always makes me laugh.

Punch, Judy, wrap it up. It will look nice in the bathroom.

BATGIRL: Bathroom?

[METAL CLICKS]

| consider the bathroom more of a library than art gallery.

[GROANS]

Judy!

[GRUNTS AND PANTS]

[GROWLS]

Someone should frame that move because it was a masterpiece.

The kids are here.

But where's the den mother?

[CLASHING]

Hey! Huh!

Have you seen my latest piece?

It's called Bat Bits on Canvas.

[JOKER LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

[BOTH GASP] [BUILDING RUMBLES]

[GRUNTS]

[BEEPING]

JOKER: Oops, gotta run.

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

Don't look at me like that. I'm going to be late.

[BLASTS]

[JOKER LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

[MAN ON RADIO SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[POLICE SIREN WAILING]

Looks like Joker's gonna need some new goons.

See if you two can pick up his trail. I'll join you shortly.

Where are you going?

| have to deal with a whole other kind of craziness.

[GRAPPLING GUN FIRES]

Hurry, hurry. Can't miss it.

Yes!

MALE ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: Here's Harley!

[AUDIENCE ON TV CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[KISS] Hiya, folks.

Time for an hour of love and laughter with me, Dr. Harlene Quinzelle.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] [MUSIC PLAYING]

With Valentine's Day right around the corner...

...Harley's here with helpful advice.

[PHONE BUTTON BEEPS]

-Talk to me. -Hi, Harley.

Uh, there's this girl | like--

Three words Romeo, flowers, flowers, flowers.

And never take no for an answer. Have a good one, pudding.

[PHONE BUTTON BEEPS]

What's your query, dearie?

Dr. Quinzelle, last week, you told a girl named Monica...

...to ignore her parents’ wishes and go out with a guy named Stan?

| remember. Two sweet, crazy kids in love.

I'm Monica's mother. Where do you come off telling her--?

Uh, sorry, folks. Just some nutcase.

| told you to screen those calls.

We'll be right back.

Think loving thoughts.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Pop psychology at its worst. That girl's theories are unfounded.

Her professional manner's a joke. And her training, if any, is shoddy at best.

| love this show!

The girl's more screw-loose than me.

Oh, Jimmy Herbert, network bigwig. What brings you to the set today?

Let me guess, in search of fashion advice?

Speaking of advice, what kind are you giving these people?

Are you questioning me?

Everyone who has an online degree in psychology, please raise your hand.

Oh, okay.

Then how about we let the professionals do their job, all right, hon?

This show is supposed to help people. You've turned it into a circus.

| Know. And you wanna talk circus.

Wait till you see my Valentine's Day special.

Look, there won't be a Valentine's Day special if you keep this--

Oopsies, gotta get back. Latersville.

Welcome back. I've got a real treat for you.

HARLEY: An exclusive, very intimate one-on-one...

...with Gotham's most elusive bachelor, Bruce Wayne.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING] [MUSIC PLAYING]

Mmm. What's cooking, good-looking?

Well, Dr. Quinzelle....

[HARLEY GIGLES] [BRUCE GRUNTS]

Call me Harley. Everyone does.

Okay, Harley.

I'd like to talk about the Wayne Foundation's...

...charity drive for crime victims.

Oh, civic-minded too. But let's talk about your love life.

Now, Harley, you promised I'd have a chance to promote the charity drive.

[HARLEY SNORING] [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

We want the juice, Bruce.

This is your secret life, Bruce Wayne.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

[ALARM WAILING]

[ROBIN GRUNTS] [MAN PANTS]

-Uh-oh. -Bruce?

Oh, yeah.

You remember Kiki, don't you, Brucie?

[AUDIENCE MUMBLES]

Oh....

Well, she remembers you. And she's dishing the dirt.

[AUDIENCE TEASING AND LAUGHING]

[BRUCE CHUCKLES]

BATGIRL: He's faced some pretty nasty sneak attacks.

But nothing like this.

We have to save him.

It's too late, Robin. There's nothing we can do.

So we're having a nice dinner, and suddenly he's all:

"| have to see to some important business."

Out Bruce Wayne runs, leaving me to pay the check.

[AUDIENCE BOOING] [KIKI CRYING]

Oh, terrible. Just terrible.

[JOKER LAUGHING]

About time someone stuck it to that rich oaf.

How about we take some calls now?

[DIALLING THEN PHONE RINGS]

Hi, hi. You're on Heart to Heart With Harley.

Evening, Harley. Mr. J. here. Frequent watcher, frequent caller.

Great show tonight.

Mr. J., my favorite caller. Nice to hear from you again.

Well, | just wanted to say...

...men like Bruce Wayne deserve to be baked into a giant pie...

...and then launched into the side of a building.

Figuratively speaking, of course.

[HARLEY GIGGLING] [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Gotta say, your mind works in interesting ways, Mr. J.

I've had enough of this. I'm out of here.

Uh-oh. Hey!

Hold your horses, Brucie. We're not done yet.

Oh, yes, you are. I'm sorry, Mr. Wayne.

Neither this woman nor this show will ever trouble you again.

You're no psychologist, you're a joke.

-But-- -You're off the air.

Wha--? No--!

[STATIC HISSES]

[TEST TONE PLAYING]

Oh, the poor kid.

Yanked in mid-show. She'll be an emotional wreck.

Someone should take advantage of that.

Face it, Harley.

No one's ever gonna take you seriously as a psychologist.

They just can't see past my playful exterior.

Story of my life.

[DOOR BELL RINGING]

Hello?

JOKER: Dr. Quinzelle?

Forgive the intrusion, but | just had to meet you.

I'm your number one fan.

[DOOR CLICKS]

I'm Mr. J.

Huh?

JOKER: Must admit, I'm surprised that you wanted to hang out.

Most ladies would find my lifestyle eccentric.

Oh, | may act goofy on TV, but I'm still a doctor.

Extreme personalities intrigue me.

And an extreme personality like yours might be the ticket to getting back my old show.

And maybe finally some respect.

Oh.

So you're stringing old Mr. J. along just to write some tell-all book?

I'll split the profits with you 50-50.

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

You've got moxie.

| feed moxie to the hyenas.

[WHISTLES]

[HYENAS YELP]

[GROWLING]

[GASPS]

Sit!

[HYENAS WHIMPER]

You're good.

Now, what do you say we sit down and, you know...

...have a heart to heart with Harley?

Hmm.

Oh, where do | begin?

| guess for as long as | remember, | always wanted to make people laugh.

| see.

The neighbors say they saw the doctor leave freely with Mr. J.

Wonder what he could want with her.

He saw a vulnerable person he could manipulate.

Someone good for a few laughs until he got bored.

And join us again next week when Batman analyzes...

...the Freudian implications of Penguin's umbrella.

[HARLEY CRYING]

It's bad enough the network said | wasn't a real psychologist.

They said | was a joke.

| happen to like jokes.

Besides, there are worse names. | know, I've been called them.

Guess we have a few things in common, huh?

You know what two sad sacks like us need?

A night on the town.

| don't know. That seems awfully unprofessional.

-Consider it research for your book. -But what if--?

You're seen associating with a certified criminal whack-job?

A costume.

That way no one will know it's you.

Ha-ha!

JOKER: Harlene Quinzelle becomes Harley Quinn.

[WHISTLES THEN PANTS]

[JOKER SINGING "SETTING THE WOODS ON FIRE"]

Comb your hair and paint and powder You act proud and I'll act prouder

You sing loud and I'll sing louder Tonight we're setting the woods on fire

You're my gal and I'm your feller Dress up in your frock of yeller

I'll look swell but you'll look sweller Setting the woods on fire

We'll take in all the honky tonks Tonight we're having fun

We'll show the folks a brand new dance That never has been done

| don't care who thinks we're silly You'll be daffy and I'll be dilly

We'll order up two bowls of chili Setting the woods on fire

[JOKER VOCALIZING]

[BOTH SINGING] | don't care who thinks we're silly

You'll be daffy and I'll be dilly

We'll order up two bowls of chili Setting the woods on fire

[JOKER LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

No riders.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Oh!

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

[HARLEY SCREAMS]

[CRASHING]

[JOKER LAUGHING MANICALLY] [HARLEY SCREAMING]

Huh? What was that?

Hi, folks. Don't mind us.

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

Some fun, eh, kid?

Has anyone ever survived a night out with you?

There's a first time for everything.

Leave him alone!

[SCREAMING]

BATMAN: Dr. Quinzelle?

Call me Harley Quinn.

What are you doing?

BATMAN: Joker's a psychopath. -Huh?

Better than what you are. A third wheel!

[HARLEY GRUNTS]

Hold this for me, will you? Thanks.

[BOTH GASP]

Here's our floor.

[HARLEY SCREAMS]

[HARLEY YELLING]

Fear not. Salvation is at hand.

[HARLEY SCREAMING LOUDLY]

A little trick | borrowed from Penguin. Remind me to send him a fish.

[EXPLODING]

[JOKER LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

[BOTH GASPING]

Authorities are at a loss to explain...

... how the diamond was stolen from the high-security vault.

And a police investigation is underway.

FEMALE REPORTER: /n other news, there is still no official word...

...on the bizarre transformation of Dr. Harlene Quinzelle.

Huh?

According to eyewitness accounts, the doctor has been sporting a new look...

...while keeping time with Gotham's most wanted wacko.

Noted TV psychologist Elliot Blaine offered this observation.

It's no surprise that Dr. Quinzelle jumped the track.

She was a sad, needy person who tried to fill the void in her own soul...

... by dispensing superficial relationship advice to others.

What?

I'll have a full profile of Dr. Quinzelle tonight on my primetime special.

[GROANING]

Ah, you big phony.

That was supposed to be my Valentine's special.

[CRACKS]

JOKER: Happy Valentine's Day, kid.

| brought you something.

What?

Pretty.

Oh....

| wanted to give you a present for all the fun we've been having.

What is it that you want?

Ah, that's what | want. To get even with those jerks.

| was trying to help people and now I'm the bad guy?

More of an accomplice, actually.

[HARLEY GROANING]

They should all suffer.

Sounds like a hoot.

What we have with Harlene Quinzelle is a textbook case of a woman...

...deluded by a fantasy image of herself as a healer and caregiver.

HARLEY: Hey, doc. | got a text bookcase for you.

[GASPS] [BOOKCASE CRASHING]

[GRUNTING]

Hi, hi, Gotham. Harley's back for a special farewell show.

[CLICKS THEN HARLEY GRUNTS]

[AUDIENCE SCREAMING]

[GROWLING]

[SCREAMING]

JOKER: Woo-hoo.

Keep your seats, people. The little lady's just warming up.

Oh, that's right, pudding.

I'm going to set the record straight.

Then finish my broadcasting career with a big bang!

Let's go.

What? We can't wait for the commercial?

So you didn't like my show?

Well, try this one.

[WHISTLES]

[GROWLING]

When Animals Attack People | Hate!

It's a comedy.

[HYENAS LAUGHING]

[BATGIRL GRUNTING]

You're cancelled. Again.

[GROWLING]

[GUN CLICKS THEN SPILLS]

[SIZZLES THEN SNAPS]

Huh? [RUMBLES]

Oh, thanks, sweetie.

Now, drag her outside and Joker-gas her or something.

You, ordering me around?

Don't go too far.

l've indulged you only because it amused me.

Yes, sir.

[LAUGHS]

You little imp. | can never stay mad at you.

[GIGGLES]

Uh-oh.

[BOTH GRUNT]

[GROWLS]

Don't move.

Very funny.

[GRUNTING]

You bats won't pull the plug on my special.

[SCREAMING]

What have you done?

They sent me down in flames. So I'm returning the favor.

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

There are three more bombs planted around this building.

Once they go, all Gotham Broadcasting comes tumbling down.

Show the man, Harley.

Ha!

Not gonna happen.

[GRUNTS]

[BOMB CLICKS]

[SCREAMS THEN BOMB EXPLODES]

I'm okay. Help the audience.

[SCREAMING]

[AUDIENCE SCREAMING]

[ROBIN GRUNTS]

This way, people.

Time to make tracks, boys.

[WHISTLES] [HYENAS WHIMPER]

So long, little Harley Quinn. It's been fun.

[METAL CREAKING]

[JOKER LAUGHING]

[RUMBLES]

[SIREN WAILING]

The Joker doesn't care about anyone but himself.

He never has and he never will.

You'd think a psychologist would know better.

[SPLURTS] Huh?

Huh?

[LAUGHING]

[JOKER AND HARLEY LAUGHING]