Original subtitles

Mmm.

Mmm. Hmm.

-Oh. -What?

-Rowlf? -What?

Have you been playing this whole time?

Well, what did you think it was?

Some kinda sentimental montage in your head?

We're doing the show again, frog.

Oh, that's right. Uh...

Scooter, it's time.

You got it, boss.

Sabrina Carpenter. Thirty seconds to curtain, Ms. Carpenter.

Ms. Carpenter?

Thank you, Scooter.

Oh, my God. It's you. I love your outfit.

So do I. You're gonna have to change.

Yes, ma'am.

Is that my wig?

I don't wear wigs. This is my real hair.

Oh. Yeah. Same.

-No, I... And I know that. -No, I know you know.

-Great. -Okay.

It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Sabrina Carpenter.

♪ It's time to play the music It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to raise the curtain On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ Why do we always come here? ♪

♪ I guess we'll never know ♪

♪ It's like a kind of torture ♪

♪ To have to watch the show ♪

♪ But now let's get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

♪ It's time to get things started ♪

♪ On the most sensational, inspirational Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call The Muppet Show ♪

Thank you. Thank you. Uh, thank you.

Hi-ho, and welcome to The Muppet Show, everybody.

You know, we are so excited to be back on the very stage where it all started,

and then ended, and then,

is maybe starting again depending on how tonight goes.

Hmph. I can't believe they're doing the old show again.

Well, if it ain't broke.

No, they are broke. That's why they're doing it.

Okay. Now to kick us off,

it's our very special guest,

a sensational singer-songwriter and global superstar,

the one and only, Sabrina Carpenter. Yay!

Ugh. Quiet. Hooligans.

Do it. Do it. Toss.

Stop, or you'll be removed.

Don't worry, Sam. I got it.

♪ You said your phone was broken Just forgot to charge it ♪

♪ Whole outfit you're wearing God, I hope it's ironic ♪

♪ Did you just say you're finished? Didn't know we started ♪

♪ It's all just so familiar, baby What do you call it? ♪

-♪ Stupid ♪ -♪ Cluck-cluck ♪

-♪ Or is it slow? ♪ -♪ Cluck ♪

-♪ Maybe it's useless? ♪ -♪ Cluck-cluck ♪

♪ But there's a cuter word for it ♪

-♪ Cluck? ♪ -♪ I know ♪

♪ Manchild ♪

♪ Why you always come a-running to me? ♪

♪ It's my life ♪

♪ Won't you let an innocent woman be ♪

♪ Never heard of self-care ♪

♪ Half your brain just ain't there ♪

Whoa.

♪ Manchild ♪

♪ Why you always come a-running Taking all my ♪

♪ Oh, I like my boys playing hard to get ♪

♪ And I like my men all incompetent ♪

♪ And I swear they choose me I'm not choosing them ♪

-♪ Amen, hey, men ♪ -♪ Cluck-cluck ♪

♪ Manchild ♪

♪ Why you always come a-running to me? ♪

♪ It's my life ♪

♪ Won't you let an innocent woman be? Oh ♪

♪ And I like my boys Playing hard to get ♪

♪ And I like my men all incompetent ♪

♪ Amen, hey, men ♪

-Great talent! -Whoo-hoo!

-Love it! More! More! -Yes, it's great.

Wow, what an exciting opening, Uncle Kermit.

Great job, Chickens. Again, I'm sorry about the fan.

I'm mortified.

-Scooter. Come here, come here, come here. -Uh. Yeah.

Why is it so crowded back here?

Well, uh, these are all the acts in the show, boss.

What? Are you sure I approved all of that?

And more.

Let's go already. We gotta get on stage.

Remember how excited everyone was to be on our first show back?

And you kept telling them that their acts sounded fun.

Scooter, everybody knows that "that sounds fun"

is just a polite way of saying no.

Yeah, that feels pretty indirect, boss.

-Hmm. -You know, this could be a problem.

Okay. Well, the next person who talks to me is definitely getting cut.

-Mm-hmm. -Oh, Kermie.

-Excuse moi, talent walking. -Hmm?

Oh. Oh, where's the talent?

-Me. Me. I'm the t... -Who?

Oh, Kermit. Isn't it wonderful being back in the theater again,

giving the people what they truly want?

Moi.

Good luck.

Scooter?

Yeah. Um, Piggy, uh, you know... the show is, uh, it's running kinda long,

and, uh, you know, it looks like you're doing two acts.

Exactly. Now about the musical number,

when I emerge from the giant seashell dressed as Aphrodite,

let's make sure our 300 dancing Spartans know to exit the Trojan horse

precisely on my high B flat.

Right. Uh, just thinking out loud here,

but, uh, you think maybe all that historical accuracy might upstage you?

No.

Kermit. Kermit.

I couldn't help but overhear because I was spying on you guys.

If you need, I can help you trim some of the show.

Oh, really? Uh, thanks. What were you thinking?

How about a little off the top?

Ah?

I don't know if prop comedy is gonna help us right now, Fozzie.

Oh. Guess I'll have to put on my thinking cap then.

Hmm?

-Ah? Like it? Huh? Huh? Huh? -Uh, you know, sure.

If it can help you think of how to cut some acts from the show.

You got it, pal. Got an idea already.

Oh.

Hey, Seth Rogen.

Oh, hey, Fozzie. This is incredible.

It's always been a dream of mine to be here.

Ooh. Got any other dreams?

Uh-oh. What does that mean?

You're cut.

What? Cut? I'm the executive producer.

Then you can let yourself know we're going in a different direction.

Our next act is the world's most fearless daredevil/performance artist,

who's been shocking audiences and insurance companies for years.

Let's hear it for The Great Gonzo.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Behold, it is I, The Great Gonzo.

And tonight I will attempt this deadly obstacle course

on self-driving roller skates.

All the while reciting every Academy Award winner

in the category of Best Supporting Actress.

Whoo-hoo. Ignite the rings.

Release the blades.

And it starts right now.

Goldie Hawn, Lupita Nyong'o, Shelly Winters.

Whoo. That was painful.

For him or for us?

Both.

And now, "Pigs in Wigs."

Duchess Piggerton of County Mayo Upon Sandwich.

Lord Scrappleton and... his plus one.

What?

Darling.

What a dazzling soiree, mon chéri.

Oh. Hello. How are you? Lovely to see you.

She has some nerve showing her face around here.

What a chic ensemble. Love whatever that is.

Apparently the dress code was optional tonight.

Darling, you're so devilish.

Say, could you be a dear and fetch us a beverage? Pretty please?

Oh. Of course, my crumpet. I'll be right back.

Mmm.

Oh, lover. The coast is clear.

-Psst, Piggy. -Hmm?

I forgot to tell you, we had to recast your lover.

W-What? Wi-With who?

Hola.

You've gotta be kidding me.

Hey, I'm just as confused as you are, okay?

All right. Let's just get on with it.

Oh, lover. How I've missed your chiseled chin,

your luscious, thick head of raven hair, and your big strong arms.

You talking to me?

Yep.

There you are, my darling. Uh...

And who are you, kind sir?

I don't know.

I was back there schmoozing when someone put me in this weird jacket

and threw me on the stage, okay?

Oh, no. I've been caught.

And now my public lover and my secret lover,

whomst I am tornt betweenst,

must duel to the death because they're so madly in love with moi.

Uh, yes. Uh, about that, I should tell you, I... I've met someone.

What? When?

Just now by the carving station.

Oh, I know it's only been a few seconds but it's true love.

What is happening here?

You heard him, okay. It's love. Good for you, my friend.

Oh, thank you. We're oh, so happy.

Ugh, forget it. I'm getting out of here while I still have my dignity.

Your projectiles, sirs.

Uh, too late. Sketch is over.

Actually, why don't you leave 'em. There's a lot more of this show left.

Unfortunately.

Okay. Feather's glued. Don't hug anyone till it is dry. Next.

Okay, everybody.

All of your names are on this run of show in a highly specific order.

And as long as I have this list in my hands,

the show will go off without a hitch.

Olympia Dukakis. Mo'Nique.

Feels like you kinda tempted fate with that one.

Huh. Okay. Uh, thank you very much.

Now, for our next musical number, let's take it to the streets.

The rat infested streets. Ooh.

♪ I've been tryna call ♪

-♪ I've been on my own for long enough ♪ -Almost got it.

♪ Maybe you can show me how to love Maybe ♪

Oh.

♪ I'm goin' through withdrawals ♪

♪ You don't even have to do too much ♪

♪ You can turn me on With just a touch, baby ♪

♪ I look around and Sin City's cold and empty ♪

-♪ No one's around to judge me ♪ -♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ I can't see clearly when you're gone ♪

♪ I said, ooh, I'm blinded by the lights ♪

♪ No, I can't sleep Until I feel your touch ♪

♪ I said, ooh, I'm drowning in the night ♪

♪ Oh, when I'm like this You're the one I trust ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! Hey! ♪

Ah!

♪ I said, ooh, I'm blinded by the lights ♪

♪ No, I can't sleep Until I feel your touch ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! ♪

-Get the bird! Get the bird! -I got the bird.

Did you see...

Sorry! On vocal rest, can't talk. On vocal rest.

-Scooter, what is going on here? -Hmm?

Am I on next or what?

Oh, uh. Kermit had to cut your number, Miss Piggy. Didn't he tell you?

What? Does it look like he told me?

You think I'm wearing these gladiator sandals for my freaking health?

Uh... Probably not.

-Kermit! -Whoa!

Yep. Good to be back.

So sorry about the mishap earlier.

We're still working out a few kinks.

Oh, that's all right. I love a kink.

Uh-huh. Hmm.

Well, uh, I just wanted to say

we're really honored to have you here with us tonight.

Are you kidding me?

-Being here is a dream come true. -Ah.

I mean, I could've been anywhere else in the world tonight.

-I... I turned down a Pulitzer prize... -Mmm. Mmm.

And getting my face on the new quarter, and a second date with...

-Really? -Mm-hmm.

-He's single? -No.

Oh.

But this is the only place I want to be right now.

And nothing could...

Open the door, frog!

-Sorr... -She knows, boss!

I think someone's at the door.

Uh, ooh, that?

No, no, no, no. That's, uh... That's just an old theater, you know?

-Uh, these pipes can be pretty noisy. -Hi-yah!

Where is he?

Wow, the door wasn't even locked.

I know you're here, frog.

Miss Piggy?

I'm sure you get this all the time, I actually meant to tell you earlier,

but you're my idol.

-Aw. -Yeah,

I basically, like, modeled my whole look and style after you.

Oh, trust me. My attorneys and I have taken notice, and we will be in touch.

Aw. And I'll make sure my attorneys respond... to your attorneys.

Did you hear that?

Oh, Kermit said the theater is really old and the pipes are a little noisy.

Oh, really? What else did Kermit say?

Did he mention he cut my big number from the show?

What? No. That-That's crazy.

There's no Muppet Show without a Miss Piggy number.

Exactly.

If only he were around to hear that.

Door's heavy.

I am so sorry.

You don't deserve to lose one second of screen time. You are an icon.

Oh, stop it. You're too sweet. Go on.

Oh, I mean, I grew up watching you, my parents grew up watching you,

-their parents grew up watching... -Okay! Meet-and-greet over.

If Kermit ever shows his face,

you let him know. I am going to sing in this show!

-Help me. -Oh, no! That's right.

Are you okay? Sorry.

I forgot you were down there.

Hey, I'm fine, Sabrina. Yeah, I...

It happens a lot more than you'd think.

Uh, Scooter!

You know the drill. Let's get another door in here.

Already on it, boss.

I've actually met Kermit a few times.

He's actually really lovely.

I mean, I've met a ton of celebrities.

A lot of jerks.

But not Kermit.

-Was I a big jerk? -I mean, yes. But not that big.

Mmm?

-Oh, I'm Maya by the way. -Mmm?

Mm-hmm.

Welcome to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today.

I'm Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, and this is my fearless assistant Beaker.

Hmm.

Today we tackle a modern epidemic: distraction.

These days,

everything is competing for your eyeballs.

Mobile devices, televisions and the day-to-day terrors

that consume our brains when we aren't looking at the first two.

Well, now you can focus effortlessly

thanks to my latest invention, "Focus Pocus."

One drop of this serum per eye,

and your attention span will multiply exponentially.

Beaker, come back, come back. Sit on the stool.

-Huh? -That's it. Good. Now,

I'm gonna just lower the stool gently.

There, there we go.

A little teeny drop. This won't hurt me at all.

There we go. There, there, there.

Oh, dear. That might've been just a teensy bit too strong.

Hmm.

Maybe I neglected to dilute it properly.

Now, let's see. Where did I write that down?

Oh, this is interesting.

This one's marked urgent.

Hmm. I'm sure that's fine.

Oh, Beaker. Beaker. Beaker, stop it. Stop it!

-It's so inspiring. -Inspiring.

-I feel alive, you know? -Mm-hmm.

I mean, as a performer...

Maya? Maya? M-Maya!

Scooter,

my mommy's in the audience tonight.

When do I go on? Scooter! Scooter!

I will be ready as soon as I do my...

Oh, wow. Like, are you okay, Kermit?

Yeah.

'Cause you seem a little wound up.

Like, like your chakras are, like, totally out of whack.

You're right. I guess I am a little stressed.

Thanks for checking in.

Oh, for sure. 'Cause you know, like, I can read auras, and yours is, like, bad.

-It is? -Oh, totally.

And we're breathing in...

Oh, is that what we're doing? Uh...

Janice? Can I breathe out yet?

Hmm? Janice?

Oh. Huh. Actually, that did make me feel a bit better.

Almost like things are gonna be okay.

This is a Muppet Newsflash.

Emmy award-winning comedy icon Maya Rudolph is dead.

Huh?

I saw the light, and there was a river of souls.

And a... a wall of flames.

And I was doing award show patter for a man in red.

That sounds like heaven. Right?

Correction. Emmy award-winning comedy icon Maya Rudolph is alive.

A thing fell on her and made her be alive again.

Stay tuned for more hard-hitting news.

Whoopi Goldberg, Anjelica Huston, Cloris Leachman.

Hmm. Show's not half bad.

Yeah, it's all bad.

♪ La, la La, la ♪

♪ Baby, when I met you There was peace unknown ♪

♪ I set out to get you With a fine tooth comb ♪

♪ I was soft inside ♪

-♪ There was something going on ♪ -♪ Ooh ♪

♪ La, la ♪

♪ You do something to me That I can't explain ♪

♪ Hold me closer and I feel no pain ♪

♪ Every beat of my heart ♪

-♪ We got something going on ♪ -♪ Ooh ♪

♪ La, la ♪

♪ Islands in the stream ♪

♪ That is what we are ♪

♪ No one in between How can we be wrong? ♪

♪ Sail away with me ♪

♪ To another world ♪

-♪ And we rely on each other, ah ha ♪ -You're not gonna cut me from the show.

♪ From one sailor to another, ah ha ♪

♪ I can't live without you If this boat was gone ♪

♪ Everything is nothing ♪

♪ If you've got no one ♪

♪ And you just row in the night Slowly losing sight of the real thing ♪

♪ The real thing ♪

♪ But that won't happen to us And we've got no doubt ♪

♪ Now you're in this boat And I am freaking out ♪

♪ And the message is clear ♪

♪ This could be the year For the real thing ♪

-♪ The real thing ♪ -♪ La, la ♪

-♪ Islands in the stream ♪ -♪ In the stream ♪

-♪ That is what we are ♪ -♪ Sail away, sail away ♪

♪ No one in between ♪

♪ How can we be wrong? ♪

-♪ Sail away with me ♪ -♪ Sail away ♪

♪ To another world ♪

-♪ And we rely on each other, ah ha ♪ -♪ Ah ha ♪

-♪ From one diva to another, ah ha ♪ -♪ Ah ha ♪

Oh.

-Hi. -Hmm?

I just have to say singing a duet with you

-has always been a dream of mine. -Mmm.

And now I've done it, and I'm still so young.

Yes! Just like me! I'm young. Very.

Look at us, two young ingenues at the top of their game.

Well, um... Does this mean we're... we're good then?

You're not gonna try to sue me for stealing your look?

It's called copyright infringement, sweetie.

-And of course not! -Oh.

That's really for the lawyers to decide.

I'm trying to do the best I can.

One of the acts. We're trying to be fair.

-We're trying to be fair to everybody. -I know. No, I know.

Okay, everybody, stop!

There is only time for one more act.

-What? -One more?

-But which one, boss? -Hmm?

How are you gonna choose?

What's taking them so long?

Look, do you trust me?

Well, of course we do, Kermit. I mean, maybe not this guy.

I been burned before.

Okay, uh... Give me a minute, okay?

-Where you going? Wait... -Yeah. Excuse me. I'm sorry.

-What... What's he gonna do? -Kermit?

Hey there, folks. Uh, how you all doing so far?

Ooh. Um...

I can't say that the show has gone exactly the way we planned.

Jamie Lee Curtis. Regina King!

Eh, the point is... maybe we're a little rusty.

But, uh, but we promised to do a great show for you

and, uh... ...I hope that you at least enjoyed some of it.

Now we're at the end

and you're all probably wondering what the final number is.

I-In fact, I was supposed to come out here

and announce one of the acts waiting backstage.

But, um... ...I'm sorry. Uh, I'm not gonna do that.

See? Can't trust anyone.

Mmm.

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ We're gonna have ourselves A real good time ♪

♪ I feel alive ♪

♪ And the world I'll turn it inside out ♪

Yeah.

♪ I'm floating around in ecstasy ♪

♪ So don't... ♪

♪ Stop me now Don't stop me ♪

♪ 'Cause we're having a good time Having a good time ♪

♪ I'm a shooting star Leaping through the sky like a tiger ♪

♪ Defying the laws of gravity, whoo-hoo ♪

♪ I'm a racing car passing by ♪

♪ Like Lady Godiva ♪

♪ I'm gonna go, go, go 'Cause I don't wanna stop at all ♪

♪ Don't stop me Don't stop me ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Don't stop me Don't stop me ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Don't stop me Don't stop ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Don't stop me Don't stop me ♪

♪ Have a good time Good time ♪

Don't stop, don't stop!

♪ Don't stop me now 'Cause I'm having a good time ♪

♪ Don't stop me now ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm having a good time I don't wanna stop at all ♪

That was great! We did it! Yeah!

If I'm being honest, I'm a little insulted they were gonna cut me

but they kept this armadillo in the tutu in there.

Never even seen that guy.

That guy's not canon.

Well, that's about all the time we have.

But before we go,

let's give a great big thank you to our incredible guest star, Sabrina Carpenter!

Yay!

Thank you, Kermit.

Well, you know, uh, you fit right in with us, Sabrina.

-Well, it helps we're the same height. -Good point!

Dianne Wiest!

Oh. Um... Good night, everybody!

We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

Zoe Saldaña!

Hmm. I got this sharp pain in my left arm. I wonder what that's about.

I'll tell you this much, it's not from clapping.

Ow.