Original subtitles

[dramatic music playing]

[panting]

Sorry! It was a onetime offense, man.

Won't happen again!

[man shouting]

Come on, man. All | did was jaywalk.

-Stop! No, please! No! No! -[canister hissing]

[laughs]

I'm the Batman.

[theme music playing]

< The Batman f

Tonight, all of Gotham again finds itself terrorized by Joker.

Only this time, instead of breaking the law, he's enforcing it.

Donning the costume and mocking the methods of his constant rival, the Batman,

Joker has inexplicably turned to fighting crime. The crazed catch?

It seems the offenses he targets barely qualify as crimes at all.

And as Kimberly Smith, the 78-year-old grandmother of 10

learned after absent-mindedly driving for three blocks with her turn signal flashing,

while the crimes may be minor, Joker's punishment of them is anything but.

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery,

but why do you suppose the tribute, Master Bruce?

Cheap knockoff is more like it.

But what troubles me most is that my antidote failed to cure Joker's jaywalker.

A new strain of Joker gas. How very ghastly indeed.

-[gasps] Joker? -Where?

| don't know what you're after, but you will be stopped.

The only thing I'm after, mayor, are the bad guys.

Then how do you justify what you did to three of Gotham PD's finest today?

And for what? Speeding? It was a police chase.

No one's above the law.

"Bill for services rendered. One million dollars"? What?

Crime-fighting ain't charity work, you know.

-And if the city doesn't comply? -Then Gotham pays dearly.

[clearing throat] Sorry.

| must say, mayor, of all the scum I've taken down so far,

it was your wife who disappointed me the most.

My wife? Sheila?

What have you done to Sheila?

Eleven items at a 10-item grocery checkout. She had it coming.

[Joker laughing]

Sheila.

Sheila!

[children laughing]

[Joker] Well, well, well...

graffiti!

That's a pretty serious offense, girls.

But that's why | became a crime-fighter.

To take out garbage like you.

The costume party's over, Joker.

Joker? Didn't you hear?

The clown prince of crime has checked out.

He just couldn't take any more.

Couldn't take the Batman,

always there to thwart his latest scheme.

Well, it was really starting to drive him mad.

But then Joker thought if he couldn't beat the Bat,

he'd be the Bat.

Then Gotham has one Batman too many.

Which means one of us has gotta go.

My thoughts exactly.

-[laughing] -[groaning]

New and improved Batman beats original recipe.

But that doesn't mean our rivalry has to end.

You see, the Batman needs a Joker,

someone who gives him purpose.

Which means if I'm going to make it as the Dark Knight,

I'm going to need a Joker of my own.

And who better a foil than you, old friend?

[shouts]

Joker venom.

Just the thing to inject a bit of humor into you.

Don't fret, Batman. You'll soon make a great Joker.

Just don't forget to smile.

That is quite a nasty bite, sir.

Really, Alfred, it's nothing.

Nothing? Who knows what chemical concoction that madman cooked up for you?

Look, if the snake's venom was harmful, I'm sure I'd know it by now.

And to tell the truth, Alfred,

| feel great.

Even a bit chipper.

Even so, we should let your lab results inform us whether

anything dangerous is currently coursing through your veins.

| think the only dangerous thing you're gonna find

are my cholesterol levels.

-Sir? -Uh, nothing, Alfred. Just a bad joke.

Well, I'd better get to the hospital and see about

sneaking a blood sample from Mayor Grange's wife.

Sir, all things considered, until we know your results,

| must insist you remain in the Batcave.

Sorry, Alfred. Right now, I'm the only hope of Joker's victims getting an antidote.

And besides, Mayor Grange could probably use some support.

Seeing an old friend might bring a smile to his face.

| can't begin to imagine what you're going through, mayor.

It's been a real tough stretch, Bruce.

Your arm. You hurt yourself?

Cut myself shaving.

Kidding.

Uh, yes, well, | am glad you came, Bruce. | was hoping | could get your advice.

Joker's demanding a large ransom, and the city, well,

just doesn't have that kind of money available.

If it means helping Gotham and easing your burden,

| can write you a check right now.

You-- You'd do that?

No.

Yes.

I'm not sure that's funny, Bruce.

No, I'm being very serious, sir.

Are you sure everything's all right?

Uh, maybe | am a little bit out of sorts.

Why don't we see how Sheila's doing?

| wanna warn you, it's pretty shocking.

Oh, that's terrib...

Bruce, please!

Sorry. Oh, | don't know what's come over me.

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Hey!

The Joker venom.

[Bruce] The results of the lab analysis are grim, Alfred. Very grim.

It seems Joker's new venom attacks the nervous system

and forces the body to gradually increasing fits of laughter, until finally...

Joker said he wanted an archenemy, but he didn't say a pulse was required.

That's rich.

You crack me up, Al.

So | devised this antidote.

All | need is a sample of Joker's original venom in order to complete it.

Which would require finding Joker.

And soon. At the poison's current rate of progress, | have an hour left to live.

And now only 59 minutes, 39 seconds.

Fifty-nine minutes, 27 seconds.

Things can't get any worse now, can they?

[alarm ringing]

[Penguin] Tweet, tweet.

[laughing maniacally]

Pull yourself together, sir.

I'm sorry, Alfred.

This venom is driving me batty. Batty!

-[alarm wailing] -The BatWave.

-Break-in at the Gotham Museum of Art. -Joker?

The crime clown has a different m.o. these days.

Isn't the museum hosting a collection of priceless Fabergé eggs this week?

-You don't think...? -Mm-hm. Penguin.

As much as | hate to suggest it, Oswald Cobblepot

will have to get a free pass tonight, as your focus must be on finding Joker.

If Joker's playing Batman, he'll be there to take down Penguin.

| can hit two birds with one stone.

Get it? Birds! [laughing]

Good one, sir.

[Joker] Break-in at the Gotham Museum of Art.

This looks like a job for...

the Batman.

[tires screeching]

Oh, these precious eggs are gonna hatch me a fortune.

The perfect crime. No fuss, no muss,

-and no... -[Joker] Penguin.

...Batman.

Huh?

Joker?

I'm the Batman.

You see, the thing is,

you're not!

The eggs, Penguin, or | scramble you.

Are you out of your gourd?

I'm in the middle of a heist.

You don't see me barging in on your gas-all-of-Gotham schemes, do you?

It is called professional courtesy.

Sorry, Pengy, but bringing down Gotham's second biggest criminal

means my biggest bounty yet.

Second biggest?

Says who?

[yelling]

[Batman laughing]

-Joker. -Batman?

If it isn't dumb and dumber.

Okay, now you two are starting to creep me out.

This is no longer funny, Joker.

Hand over the venom.

But you're so close to completing your evolution.

Well, it seems you two have something to settle, so I'll--

-Not so fast, Penguin. The eggs. -The eggs.

Huh?

Yes.

That is one expensive omelet.

Since | can't leave here empty-handed...

You do not want that, Penguin.

If you want it, Batman, | want it.

[laughing]

[gasps]

-[thuds] -[quacks]

[groaning] Huh?

Aha.

Ah-ah-ah. Comedy is timing, you know.

Well, now, what could it be that you want so badly?

Ooh. No. That is not a good idea.

Says you.

Ow!

Priceless.

[Penguin yelling]

Well, guess I'll just hang out here.

That's a good one, Pengy.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

You know, it's funny. This situation reminds me of a joke.

A doctor told his patient:

"| have bad news and worse news."

"Oh, dear. What's the bad news?" asked the patient.

The doctor replied, "You only have 24 hours to live."

"That's terrible," said the patient, "but how can the other news possibly be worse?"

The doctor replied, "Well,

I've been trying to contact you since yesterday!"

That joke always slays them.

You really know how to squelch a laugh.

Stop me if you've heard this one before, Joker.

A man walked into a bar...

Ow!

...and said:

"Ow."

Good one, Batman. Said, "Ow."

Who knew you had it in you?

That's the Joker | know.

[Joker continues laughing]

Hey, what's so funny?

[Joker & Penguin laughing hysterically]

[theme music playing]

< The Batman f