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1
00:00:05,881 --> 00:00:07,549
[dramatic music playing]
2
00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:10,761
[panting]
3
00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:15,98
Sorry! It was a onetime offense, man.
4
00:00:15,182 --> 00:00:16,850
Won't happen again!
5
00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:22,523
[man shouting]
6
00:00:24,274 --> 00:00:26,318
Come on, man. All | did was jaywalk.
7
00:00:26,902 --> 00:00:31,782
-Stop! No, please! No! No!
-[canister hissing]
8
00:00:58,642 --> 00:01:00,18
[laughs]
9
00:01:02,20 --> 00:01:03,897
I'm the Batman.
10
00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:11,488
[theme music playing]
11
00:01:55,907 --> 00:01:57,868
< The Batman f
12
00:02:14,217 --> 00:02:18,513
Tonight, all of Gotham again
finds itself terrorized by Joker.
13
00:02:18,597 --> 00:02:22,434
Only this time, instead of breaking
the law, he's enforcing it.
14
00:02:22,517 --> 00:02:27,189
Donning the costume and mocking the
methods of his constant rival, the Batman,
15
00:02:27,272 --> 00:02:31,777
Joker has inexplicably turned
to fighting crime. The crazed catch?
16
00:02:31,860 --> 00:02:36,490
It seems the offenses he targets
barely qualify as crimes at all.
17
00:02:36,573 --> 00:02:40,160
And as Kimberly Smith,
the 78-year-old grandmother of 10
18
00:02:40,243 --> 00:02:44,414
learned after absent-mindedly driving for
three blocks with her turn signal flashing,
19
00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:49,628
while the crimes may be minor,
Joker's punishment of them is anything but.
20
00:02:51,546 --> 00:02:54,466
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery,
21
00:02:54,549 --> 00:02:57,135
but why do you suppose
the tribute, Master Bruce?
22
00:02:57,219 --> 00:02:59,304
Cheap knockoff is more like it.
23
00:02:59,930 --> 00:03:04,768
But what troubles me most is that
my antidote failed to cure Joker's jaywalker.
24
00:03:04,851 --> 00:03:09,231
A new strain of Joker gas.
How very ghastly indeed.
25
00:03:22,119 --> 00:03:24,579
-[gasps] Joker?
-Where?
26
00:03:27,582 --> 00:03:30,502
| don't know what you're after,
but you will be stopped.
27
00:03:30,585 --> 00:03:34,381
The only thing I'm after, mayor,
are the bad guys.
28
00:03:34,464 --> 00:03:39,386
Then how do you justify what you did
to three of Gotham PD's finest today?
29
00:03:39,469 --> 00:03:43,348
And for what? Speeding?
It was a police chase.
30
00:03:43,432 --> 00:03:45,851
No one's above the law.
31
00:03:49,20 --> 00:03:54,234
"Bill for services rendered.
One million dollars"? What?
32
00:03:54,317 --> 00:03:57,654
Crime-fighting ain't charity work,
you know.
33
00:03:57,738 --> 00:04:03,118
-And if the city doesn't comply?
-Then Gotham pays dearly.
34
00:04:05,620 --> 00:04:07,164
[clearing throat] Sorry.
35
00:04:09,332 --> 00:04:13,211
| must say, mayor, of all the scum
I've taken down so far,
36
00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:17,174
it was your wife
who disappointed me the most.
37
00:04:18,49 --> 00:04:20,10
My wife? Sheila?
38
00:04:20,93 --> 00:04:21,928
What have you done to Sheila?
39
00:04:22,12 --> 00:04:26,725
Eleven items at a 10-item
grocery checkout. She had it coming.
40
00:04:28,351 --> 00:04:29,561
[Joker laughing]
41
00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:34,274
Sheila.
42
00:04:34,357 --> 00:04:35,442
Sheila!
43
00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:38,945
[children laughing]
44
00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:46,161
[Joker] Well, well, well...
45
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,622
graffiti!
46
00:04:48,997 --> 00:04:51,917
That's a pretty serious offense, girls.
47
00:04:52,00 --> 00:04:54,336
But that's why | became a crime-fighter.
48
00:04:54,419 --> 00:04:57,214
To take out garbage like you.
49
00:05:02,10 --> 00:05:04,429
The costume party's over, Joker.
50
00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:06,556
Joker? Didn't you hear?
51
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:09,392
The clown prince of crime has checked out.
52
00:05:09,476 --> 00:05:11,311
He just couldn't take any more.
53
00:05:11,394 --> 00:05:13,313
Couldn't take the Batman,
54
00:05:13,396 --> 00:05:15,899
always there to thwart his latest scheme.
55
00:05:15,982 --> 00:05:18,735
Well, it was really starting
to drive him mad.
56
00:05:19,486 --> 00:05:22,906
But then Joker thought
if he couldn't beat the Bat,
57
00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:25,200
he'd be the Bat.
58
00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:28,829
Then Gotham has one Batman too many.
59
00:05:28,912 --> 00:05:31,748
Which means one of us has gotta go.
60
00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:33,542
My thoughts exactly.
61
00:06:30,974 --> 00:06:33,101
-[laughing]
-[groaning]
62
00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:42,27
New and improved Batman
beats original recipe.
63
00:06:43,278 --> 00:06:45,906
But that doesn't mean
our rivalry has to end.
64
00:06:45,989 --> 00:06:48,325
You see, the Batman needs a Joker,
65
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:50,410
someone who gives him purpose.
66
00:06:50,493 --> 00:06:53,413
Which means if I'm going to
make it as the Dark Knight,
67
00:06:53,496 --> 00:06:56,750
I'm going to need a Joker of my own.
68
00:06:56,833 --> 00:07:00,128
And who better a foil than you, old friend?
69
00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:04,925
[shouts]
70
00:07:08,345 --> 00:07:09,721
Joker venom.
71
00:07:09,804 --> 00:07:13,141
Just the thing to inject
a bit of humor into you.
72
00:07:18,104 --> 00:07:21,399
Don't fret, Batman.
You'll soon make a great Joker.
73
00:07:21,483 --> 00:07:24,611
Just don't forget to smile.
74
00:07:40,251 --> 00:07:42,879
That is quite a nasty bite, sir.
75
00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:44,714
Really, Alfred, it's nothing.
76
00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:49,10
Nothing? Who knows what chemical
concoction that madman cooked up for you?
77
00:07:49,94 --> 00:07:53,264
Look, if the snake's venom was harmful,
I'm sure I'd know it by now.
78
00:07:53,348 --> 00:07:55,266
And to tell the truth, Alfred,
79
00:07:55,350 --> 00:07:56,810
| feel great.
80
00:07:56,893 --> 00:07:58,937
Even a bit chipper.
81
00:07:59,562 --> 00:08:03,108
Even so, we should let your
lab results inform us whether
82
00:08:03,191 --> 00:08:06,486
anything dangerous is currently
coursing through your veins.
83
00:08:06,569 --> 00:08:09,30
| think the only dangerous thing
you're gonna find
84
00:08:09,114 --> 00:08:10,699
are my cholesterol levels.
85
00:08:12,33 --> 00:08:16,371
-Sir?
-Uh, nothing, Alfred. Just a bad joke.
86
00:08:16,454 --> 00:08:18,999
Well, I'd better get to the hospital
and see about
87
00:08:19,82 --> 00:08:21,918
sneaking a blood sample
from Mayor Grange's wife.
88
00:08:22,02 --> 00:08:24,963
Sir, all things considered,
until we know your results,
89
00:08:25,46 --> 00:08:27,382
| must insist you remain in the Batcave.
90
00:08:27,465 --> 00:08:31,636
Sorry, Alfred. Right now, I'm the only hope
of Joker's victims getting an antidote.
91
00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:35,56
And besides, Mayor Grange
could probably use some support.
92
00:08:35,140 --> 00:08:37,809
Seeing an old friend
might bring a smile to his face.
93
00:08:44,315 --> 00:08:47,193
| can't begin to imagine
what you're going through, mayor.
94
00:08:47,277 --> 00:08:49,821
It's been a real tough stretch, Bruce.
95
00:08:50,989 --> 00:08:53,533
Your arm. You hurt yourself?
96
00:08:53,616 --> 00:08:55,76
Cut myself shaving.
97
00:08:57,412 --> 00:08:58,621
Kidding.
98
00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:05,962
Uh, yes, well, | am glad you came, Bruce.
| was hoping | could get your advice.
99
00:09:06,46 --> 00:09:09,215
Joker's demanding a large ransom,
and the city, well,
100
00:09:09,299 --> 00:09:12,677
just doesn't have
that kind of money available.
101
00:09:12,761 --> 00:09:15,597
If it means helping Gotham
and easing your burden,
102
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,766
| can write you a check right now.
103
00:09:17,849 --> 00:09:20,18
You-- You'd do that?
104
00:09:20,435 --> 00:09:21,478
No.
105
00:09:23,521 --> 00:09:24,481
Yes.
106
00:09:25,523 --> 00:09:27,358
I'm not sure that's funny, Bruce.
107
00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:30,361
No, I'm being very serious, sir.
108
00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,783
Are you sure everything's all right?
109
00:09:36,951 --> 00:09:41,247
Uh, maybe | am a little bit out of sorts.
110
00:09:41,998 --> 00:09:43,541
Why don't we see how Sheila's doing?
111
00:09:46,86 --> 00:09:48,963
| wanna warn you, it's pretty shocking.
112
00:09:52,634 --> 00:09:54,844
Oh, that's terrib...
113
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,519
Bruce, please!
114
00:10:03,561 --> 00:10:06,773
Sorry. Oh, | don't know
what's come over me.
115
00:10:10,693 --> 00:10:13,29
Excuse me. I'm sorry.
116
00:10:16,407 --> 00:10:17,408
Hey!
117
00:10:19,327 --> 00:10:20,662
The Joker venom.
118
00:10:27,418 --> 00:10:31,214
[Bruce] The results of the lab analysis
are grim, Alfred. Very grim.
119
00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:34,300
It seems Joker's new venom
attacks the nervous system
120
00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:38,763
and forces the body to gradually
increasing fits of laughter, until finally...
121
00:10:38,847 --> 00:10:43,101
Joker said he wanted an archenemy,
but he didn't say a pulse was required.
122
00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:45,728
That's rich.
123
00:10:47,105 --> 00:10:48,648
You crack me up, Al.
124
00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:54,737
So | devised this antidote.
125
00:10:54,821 --> 00:10:58,324
All | need is a sample of Joker's
original venom in order to complete it.
126
00:10:58,408 --> 00:11:00,660
Which would require finding Joker.
127
00:11:01,369 --> 00:11:06,332
And soon. At the poison's current rate
of progress, | have an hour left to live.
128
00:11:08,418 --> 00:11:11,254
And now only 59 minutes, 39 seconds.
129
00:11:12,463 --> 00:11:15,91
Fifty-nine minutes, 27 seconds.
130
00:11:16,718 --> 00:11:19,387
Things can't get any worse now, can they?
131
00:11:28,62 --> 00:11:29,647
[alarm ringing]
132
00:11:32,734 --> 00:11:34,652
[Penguin] Tweet, tweet.
133
00:11:34,736 --> 00:11:36,446
[laughing maniacally]
134
00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:53,213
Pull yourself together, sir.
135
00:11:53,296 --> 00:11:54,547
I'm sorry, Alfred.
136
00:11:55,340 --> 00:11:58,718
This venom is driving me batty. Batty!
137
00:12:01,971 --> 00:12:03,640
-[alarm wailing]
-The BatWave.
138
00:12:05,350 --> 00:12:08,937
-Break-in at the Gotham Museum of Art.
-Joker?
139
00:12:09,20 --> 00:12:11,564
The crime clown
has a different m.o. these days.
140
00:12:11,648 --> 00:12:15,360
Isn't the museum hosting a collection
of priceless Fabergé eggs this week?
141
00:12:15,443 --> 00:12:19,155
-You don't think...?
-Mm-hm. Penguin.
142
00:12:19,489 --> 00:12:22,951
As much as | hate to suggest it,
Oswald Cobblepot
143
00:12:23,34 --> 00:12:26,996
will have to get a free pass tonight,
as your focus must be on finding Joker.
144
00:12:27,80 --> 00:12:30,541
If Joker's playing Batman,
he'll be there to take down Penguin.
145
00:12:30,625 --> 00:12:32,585
| can hit two birds with one stone.
146
00:12:32,961 --> 00:12:35,630
Get it? Birds! [laughing]
147
00:12:37,507 --> 00:12:38,800
Good one, sir.
148
00:12:40,802 --> 00:12:43,471
[Joker]
Break-in at the Gotham Museum of Art.
149
00:12:43,554 --> 00:12:45,556
This looks like a job for...
150
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:47,433
the Batman.
151
00:12:58,653 --> 00:13:00,113
[tires screeching]
152
00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:10,581
Oh, these precious eggs
are gonna hatch me a fortune.
153
00:13:10,665 --> 00:13:14,794
The perfect crime. No fuss, no muss,
154
00:13:14,877 --> 00:13:17,171
-and no...
-[Joker] Penguin.
155
00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:20,508
...Batman.
156
00:13:40,528 --> 00:13:41,612
Huh?
157
00:13:43,31 --> 00:13:44,198
Joker?
158
00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:45,950
I'm the Batman.
159
00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:49,203
You see, the thing is,
160
00:13:49,287 --> 00:13:50,204
you're not!
161
00:13:50,872 --> 00:13:53,624
The eggs, Penguin, or | scramble you.
162
00:13:53,708 --> 00:13:55,209
Are you out of your gourd?
163
00:13:55,293 --> 00:13:57,03
I'm in the middle of a heist.
164
00:13:57,86 --> 00:14:01,591
You don't see me barging in on your
gas-all-of-Gotham schemes, do you?
165
00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:04,218
It is called professional courtesy.
166
00:14:04,302 --> 00:14:07,722
Sorry, Pengy, but bringing down
Gotham's second biggest criminal
167
00:14:07,805 --> 00:14:10,308
means my biggest bounty yet.
168
00:14:10,975 --> 00:14:12,727
Second biggest?
169
00:14:12,810 --> 00:14:13,728
Says who?
170
00:14:17,815 --> 00:14:19,108
[yelling]
171
00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:38,628
[Batman laughing]
172
00:14:44,92 --> 00:14:46,94
-Joker.
-Batman?
173
00:14:47,345 --> 00:14:50,681
If it isn't dumb and dumber.
174
00:14:54,310 --> 00:14:57,772
Okay, now you two
are starting to creep me out.
175
00:14:57,855 --> 00:14:59,941
This is no longer funny, Joker.
176
00:15:02,193 --> 00:15:04,237
Hand over the venom.
177
00:15:06,948 --> 00:15:09,992
But you're so close
to completing your evolution.
178
00:15:10,785 --> 00:15:13,538
Well, it seems you two have
something to settle, so I'll--
179
00:15:13,621 --> 00:15:16,791
-Not so fast, Penguin. The eggs.
-The eggs.
180
00:15:18,709 --> 00:15:20,86
Huh?
181
00:15:41,65 --> 00:15:42,66
Yes.
182
00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:47,29
That is one expensive omelet.
183
00:15:51,826 --> 00:15:55,121
Since | can't leave here empty-handed...
184
00:15:59,41 --> 00:16:01,169
You do not want that, Penguin.
185
00:16:01,252 --> 00:16:05,214
If you want it, Batman, | want it.
186
00:16:07,508 --> 00:16:08,718
[laughing]
187
00:16:14,765 --> 00:16:15,641
[gasps]
188
00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:17,477
-[thuds]
-[quacks]
189
00:16:19,103 --> 00:16:21,63
[groaning] Huh?
190
00:16:30,198 --> 00:16:31,115
Aha.
191
00:16:34,202 --> 00:16:37,955
Ah-ah-ah. Comedy is timing, you know.
192
00:16:56,891 --> 00:17:01,395
Well, now, what could it be
that you want so badly?
193
00:17:01,479 --> 00:17:04,315
Ooh. No. That is not a good idea.
194
00:17:04,398 --> 00:17:05,900
Says you.
195
00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:09,153
Ow!
196
00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:12,156
Priceless.
197
00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:22,291
[Penguin yelling]
198
00:17:25,02 --> 00:17:28,130
Well, guess I'll just hang out here.
199
00:17:30,216 --> 00:17:31,968
That's a good one, Pengy.
200
00:17:40,935 --> 00:17:43,437
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
201
00:17:45,189 --> 00:17:48,568
You know, it's funny.
This situation reminds me of a joke.
202
00:17:50,236 --> 00:17:51,946
A doctor told his patient:
203
00:17:52,29 --> 00:17:54,448
"| have bad news and worse news."
204
00:17:55,408 --> 00:17:58,661
"Oh, dear. What's the bad news?"
asked the patient.
205
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:02,999
The doctor replied,
"You only have 24 hours to live."
206
00:18:04,458 --> 00:18:08,921
"That's terrible," said the patient, "but how
can the other news possibly be worse?"
207
00:18:16,12 --> 00:18:17,763
The doctor replied, "Well,
208
00:18:17,847 --> 00:18:20,933
I've been trying to contact
you since yesterday!"
209
00:18:33,696 --> 00:18:36,198
That joke always slays them.
210
00:18:55,217 --> 00:18:57,553
You really know how to squelch a laugh.
211
00:19:02,516 --> 00:19:05,645
Stop me if you've heard
this one before, Joker.
212
00:19:07,688 --> 00:19:09,815
A man walked into a bar...
213
00:19:11,67 --> 00:19:12,26
Ow!
214
00:19:12,610 --> 00:19:13,653
...and said:
215
00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:16,322
"Ow."
216
00:19:24,121 --> 00:19:27,708
Good one, Batman. Said, "Ow."
217
00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:33,255
Who knew you had it in you?
218
00:19:36,258 --> 00:19:37,885
That's the Joker | know.
219
00:19:39,11 --> 00:19:40,513
[Joker continues laughing]
220
00:19:45,851 --> 00:19:47,520
Hey, what's so funny?
221
00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:52,817
[Joker & Penguin laughing hysterically]
222
00:20:01,784 --> 00:20:03,494
[theme music playing]
223
00:20:23,347 --> 00:20:25,224
< The Batman f
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