Original subtitles

MAN: Well, they don't cut hair at Grocery Gil's...

...but they sure cut prices.

So I'm gonna cut to the chase and cut the ribbon. Hey-oh!

By the power vested in me by the guys who cut me the check...

...l, TV personality Ross Darren--

[SPARSE APPLAUSE]

Thank you.

--declare store number 235 officially open.

Huh?

[CROWD LAUGHS]

| always hated broccoli.

Ha! Gotcha.

[ROSS YELLS]

[GRUNTS]

Whoa!

[CROWD CHUCKLING]

[SCREAMS]

[CROWD LAUGHS]

< The Batman f

[VIOLIN PLAYING]

[LISTENING TO ROCK MUSIC ON HEADPHONES]

Before we continue, I'd like to acknowledge some of the donors...

...who have made Gotham's great concert hall possible.

Mr. Bruce Wayne.

[APPLAUSE]

And Mr. Herbert Zeigler, philanthropist and accomplished pianist.

What will you play for us tonight?

| play Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata, Opus 27, No. 2.

[YAWNS]

[CUSHION MAKES FARTING NOISE]

[AUDIENCE GIGGLES]

[PLAYS PIANO]

[DUCK QUACKS]

[CAR APPROACHING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[GRUNTS]

[HORNS HONK]

Hm?

[YELLS]

[SCOFFS]

Hope that buffs out.

Well, despite the glossier uptown venue...

... tonight's abduction has all the earmarks of this afternoon's.

Both were highly theatrical, public humiliations.

Oh, like those newfangled extreme game shows from Japan.

| sometimes watch the telly while I'm dusting.

No ransom's been made so the motive must be personal.

Which means there has to be some link between the two victims.

"Match."

Ross Darren and Herbert Zeigler worked together 30 years ago on a game show.

A game show for kids called--

Think Thank Thunk. Put on your thinking caps.

I've done a lot of dusting over the years.

As | recall, the program was involved in some sort of scandal.

It seems someone may still be harboring a grudge.

-Bert, wake up. -What?

What's going on?

Ross?

Where are we? Who did this?

MAN: Fear not, little men.

All will soon be revealed.

Just one more piece of the puzzle, then the real fun begins.

ANNOUNCER: Put on your thinking caps. It's time to Think Thank Thunk.

Sponsored by Kremelos, the gooey taste treat.

Now, here's your host, Ross Darren!

Hey-oh! Welcome to the show where the biggest brain reigns.

Ready to have some fun? Let's meet today's contestants.

The challenger is Yelena Kleimenoff-- There's a mouthful.

--whose family recently defected from the Soviet Union.

Good luck, Yelena. You're gonna need it against our champ.

Artie Brown is the brain to beat.

He's been winning for 12 straight weeks.

Let's make it 13, Ross.

ALFRED: Artie Brown was undefeatable.

And obnoxious.

[VIDEO FAST-FORWARDS]

The category is astronomy.

Artie, you can win if you choose a three point question.

Three points, Ross.

Put on your thinking cap.

For three points and the win, name all 13 of Jupiter's moons...

...the person who discovered them and the year of their discovery.

| thought you were going to ask a difficult question, Ross.

Let's begin with Europa....

[VIDEO FAST-FORWARDS]

--and Lysithea by Nicholson, in 1937.

[BUZZER]

[CROWD GROANS]

Oh, so close, Artie.

Lysithea was actually discovered in 1938.

Thirty-eight.

That means Yelena is our winner!

[CROWD APPLAUSE AND ARTIE GROANS]

And here's your consolation prize. A lifetime supply of Kremelos.

No fair!

BATMAN: Huh. Artie's mother claimed the show was rigged...

-...and sued the show's producer. -Bert Zeigler.

Zeigler had deep pockets and a lot of friends in city hall.

The lawsuit was dismissed, Artie faded into obscurity...

..and Yelena became a world-class chess champion.

-Sir? -Yelena's playing in Gotham. Tonight.

MALE ANNOUNCER: This has been a very aggressive game so far.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Yelena Kleimenoff has control of the center...

...while keeping her king well-protected.

The computer's been on the defensive...

..since the 10th move, when Yelena captured its knight.

Bishop to B6.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Bishop to B6.

-That's going to win it for-- MALE ANNOUNCER: What the...?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

| said, bishop to B6.

[GASPS]

Knight takes bishop.

[GRUNTING]

[GROWLS]

[GRUNTING]

Pick on someone your own size.

Scrappy little fellas.

[YELENA MUMBLES]

[BATMAN GRUNTS]

[ENGINE REVS]

It's The Batman.

No fair!

ARTIE [ON TV]: No fair!

Report.

[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]

[CHUCKLES]

Then the games can begin, little friend.

The Batman?

Well, the game grows more intriguing by the moment.

This looks like someone's idea of a reunion.

Well, someone better tell us what's going on.

Quiet, Bert. He'll hear you.

Who are you?

The man you cheated.

Arthur Brown. From the show!

Huh? Little Artie?

| was winning too much so you let her win.

You gave her an easy question.

You did?

Look, if this is about the prize money, I'll cut you a check.

Money can't soothe the pain of humiliation.

Nor can my consolation prize of a lifetime supply of Kremelos!

Though they are moist and delicious.

What do you want with us?

Why, revenge, of course.

You got to humiliate us. Wasn't that enough?

Relax, Ross.

In the spirit of gamesmanship...

...l'm giving you all a chance to walk away scot-free.

If you can defeat me in a rematch.

So put on your thinking caps.

Artie Brown was a brilliant student with a bright future...

...but it looks like he threw it all away. Dropped out of school and out of life.

All over his obsession with a game.

You, on the other hand, never were much for games.

-Even as a child. -There was work to do.

Play is the work of children.

And Arthur, evidently, continues to act out his childhood revenge fantasy.

Act or reenact?

-| know where to find Artie. -Sir?

Where would you start looking for a boy who never grew up?

ANNOUNCER: Put on your thinking caps.

It's time to Think Thank Thunk.

Hey-oh!

[APPLAUSE TRACK]

ARTIE: Welcome!

Now let's meet tonight's contestants.

Three of the worst liars and cheats ever seen on national television.

Here's how the game works.

You've had access to my books.

You'll take turns asking me questions.

If | answer wrong, you score a point.

Three points and you all go free.

However, for every question | answer correctly...

...| score a point.

Three points for me and you all get dunked in acid.

[LAUGHTER TRACK]

[GASPING]

At this point in the show, we would usually break...

...for a word from our sponsor.

Don't you wish?

[BOY GROWLS]

BATMAN: Keep an eye on it for me, kid.

Are you one of Artie's friends?

Uh. Yes.

My, you're a big one. Artie's down in his room.

Thank you, Mrs. Brown.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Now, now, what have | told you boys about roughhousing?

Orpheus, Castor, Hercules, Meleager and, of course, Jason himself.

That's all 50 Argonauts. Am | right?

Ha-ha-ha! That's one for me.

-Your question was too easy! -You trying to get us melted?

ARTIE: Yes, yes, yes, please.

For pity's sake, ask me something challenging.

[GRUNTING]

Hey-oh!

That would be two for me, none for you.

Better score or it's acid city.

In the subject of mathematics, what is the number pi?

Pi, of course, is the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter.

But that number cannot be expressed as a finite decimal.

But in the spirit of gamesmanship, | will recite the number to 50--

No, 100 decimal places.

3.1415926....

[GRUNTING]

--46375.

[BELL CHIMES AND APPLAUSE TRACK]

That's it. | win, | win.

-But more importantly, you lose. ROSS: No!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

-Oh, no, you can't! -No!

This is ridiculous.

[CRASH]

[GRUNTS]

Ah. The Batman.

Your timely arrival proves that there's at least one intellect in Gotham City...

... worthy of Cluemaster.

-Give it up, Arthur. -Artie Brown never surrenders.

But in the spirit of gamesmanship...

...| shall give you, The Batman, one chance to save their cheating lives.

A bonus round!

| don't play games.

But you will play or they get acid-washed.

Is this all you have to show for your life, Arthur?

Bitterness and revenge?

You could've done something positive with your talents.

Like Yelena did.

Bonus round. Stop Cluemaster and they go free.

Well, that doesn't seem fair.

Is there anything the great Arthur Brown doesn't know?

You'll find out.

-What can | ask you about? -Anything!

-No topic is off limits? -History, science, literature.

-Music, biology, current events? -Anything! Let's go, already!

Okay.

Name the true identity of The Batman.

-Trick question! Ask another! -You said | could ask anything.

No fair!

[CLUEMASTER GROANS]

CONTESTANTS: No!

Cheater.

[GRUNTING]

Aaarggh!

I'll show you the true identity of The Batman!

[GROANS]

[YELLS]

[GRUNTS]

[RATTLING]

Would you kids like some milk and Kremelos?

Ah. Master Bruce.

| trust your bout with little Arthur Brown resulted in your favor.

Alfred, | didn't think | was much for games...

...until | beat Cluemaster at his own.

So...

think you can take me?

Let's have a go, then.

< The Batman f