Original subtitles

Boo!

Yeow!

I just need to read that again.

SHE LAUGHS

APPLAUSE

Hello, welcome to Taskmaster.

I'm Greg Davies and I am the wizard of Task Towers.

With a wave of my wand, five intelligent, successful people

have parked their dignity and

bravely exposed themselves to judgment.

One of them even trumped a bit of his bottom out

trying to please me, for goodness' sake.

How far will our magical five be prepared to go today?

Let's meet them and find out.

They are Charlotte Ritchie,

Jamali Maddix, Lee Mack,

Mike Wozniak, and Sarah Kendall. CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

And next to me, a man who once drunkenly confessed

that he hasn't brought car tax or insurance since the '90s

because he thinks it's an example of big government,

it's little Alex Horne.

APPLAUSE

Hi, Greg. Hello.

I've had a birthday. Oh, God.

My mother and father gave me £10.

All right, stop. £10 each.

I have, um... I've budgeted on this occasion

for Alex wittering away to total silence

and I've decided that we're going to start the show slightly differently.

Alex is going to do some extreme improvisation for you. Is he?

Ooh! Yeah. So, Mike, if you'd like to give me a song style.

Funk. Charlotte, perhaps you'd like to give me a dance style.

Disco.

Disco and funk, meh, it's a bit kind on him.

Oh, sorry, I meant disco break.

Disco break. What is disco break?

You know. You know. You know. It's in your bones.

And finally, Sarah, I need, an event from history.

The division of North and South Korea.

LAUGHTER

And so, ladies and gentlemen, for your entertainment,

Alex will represent the division of North and South Korea in, um...

..in a disco break dance-style

singing a funk song.

♪ In 1953, there was a terrible situation

♪ Ow! # Uh...

♪ When everyone got very sad

♪ Because they divided the nation. ♪

CHEERS

Yay!

APPLAUSE

That was rubbish and... Still better.

..it was much better than what you had to say.

On with the prize task.

Yes, on we pop,

and this week the category is the most satisfying wobbly thing.

Greg will judge whose thing is the most satisfyingly wobbly one

and give that person five points.

At the end of the episode, one lucky person will take home

all five wobbly things and be totally satisfied.

I'll tell you now, anyone who's brought a jelly, no points.

OK, Jamali, what's your satisfying wobbly thing?

Do you know what, this is... I had a whole speech lined up

cos I feel like whenever I put in minimal effort, you go,

"You know what, Jamali, you actually tried, here's four points," right?

So, right, then when you just said that, I was like,

"Oh, right, so it's gone, then." I've got...

I genuinely didn't know you'd brought a jelly in.

No, but it's not just jelly, innit?

Cos I knew you would just go tut-tut-tut. Yeah.

So what I did is I still brought in jelly,

but inside the jelly is a complete Rubik's cube.

Here we go. Ah.

There you go. It's pretty satisfying.

Well, how's it satisfying?

Because Rubik's cubes are hard

and to see a complete Rubik's cube kind of gives me a bit of joy.

It's aesthetically pleasing. I'll take three points.

Yeah? Feels like a three-er, does it?

I'm thinking three. Well, there might be people who've done worse.

If anyone's just brought a jelly in, I'm going to attack them.

LAUGHTER Right.

Who's next? Lee, you like a wobble, what have you brought in?

My daughter. She's eight and she loves you guys, you know that,

and every night she puts her head on my belly.

She nuzzles up and she says,

"Can I just say, Daddy, your belly's so wobbly and lovely,"

and I said, "Funny enough, I have to take a wobbly thing

"in to Taskmaster."

And she said, "Take your belly in."

I said, "I can't take my belly in to Taskmaster."

She said, "Why don't you make it out of jelly?" And...

LAUGHTER

And so I have, and there it is.

It's a jelly belly.

Why does your jelly of your belly have abs?

Yeah, it is a fair point that that...

There's absolutely no way that that's your belly.

I'm not gonna lie, I didn't make a cast because I didn't have time.

I shaped it with my hands and, in a way,

I do see myself not too dissimilar to that.

So, so far, after me slagging anyone who brought in jelly,

we've had two jellies. Next.

Charlotte.

Hm. LAUGHTER

Gulp!

So, it's a bit personal this but, obviously, this show

has taken its toll on my ego, my self-esteem.

Yeah, I can imagine. Um, yeah, and...

Sorry, Charlotte, you've brought a jelly in, haven't you?

Yeah, inside is a letter from my therapist

commenting on my wobbly sense of self-esteem.

Right. Oh. Here it is, the letter from her therapist in a jelly.

Yeah.

I have to say, that is more like my belly than my belly.

It is. Isn't it? Oh, God.

This is so heart-breaking.

100% jelly so far, Greg. Hm.

100% jelly across the board.

Did you know they found jelly on the moon? Moon jelly.

They didn't find moon jelly, Alex. They did.

They said it's exactly the same as Earth jelly, but it's on the moon.

Probably the astronauts left it up there. So they didn't find jelly on the moon?

Later astronauts did.

Sorry, are you saying that someone found Neil Armstrong's jelly on the moon?

That's what's written here.

It's written there on a document that you typed?

Very much so. Very much so. LAUGHTER

Who's, um... Who's brought the next jelly in? Mike?

I've not gone for jelly.

Huh! Aw! Oh, well, congratulations, five points.

I've got an old-school classic. I've gone for a milk tooth. Tooth?

A milk tooth. Here is the milk tooth.

Which is surely the most satisfying wobbly thing of all.

You get a wobble, it's satisfying already. Yes.

If your six-years-old, it's the best chat fuel in the business.

It's chat fuel? Yeah, big time chat fuel time.

It's chap... Chat fuel.

Chap? Chat, chat, chat. Chat.

How you feel and what you talk about in the playground,

"Good old Martha's got a wobbly tooth, let's go, let's talk about it, let's have a wobble,

"let's talk about how we're going to get it out." Ain't that the truth.

I hated having loose teeth as a child.

I found it a disturbing sensation.

But was it satisfying when they came out?

I don't know. You don't know?

I don't know if I find it satisfying. Oh. Right.

Sarah, what wobbly object have you brought?

Um, I brought in a sausage of chicken meat.

A what? LAUGHTER

A sausage of chicken meat. A sausage of chicken meat?

A sausage of chicken meat.

It really is a sausage of chicken meat. Do you want to see it?

Yeah. Here is the sausage of chicken meat.

Did you buy it with a view to eat...

..having a sausage of chicken meat in your home?

I bought it to wobble it. I was sitting in my lounge and I thought,

"Is it satisfyingly wobbly?"

And then I started really wanging it in the lounge room.

I'm like, "This is really..." like, to the point where I was surprised

by how wobbly it was and I wanged it so hard the end came off,

I had to gaffer it back on. LAUGHTER

What's your technique to get the wobble?

Uh, it's a lot of elbow work. OK.

I mean, I don't want to... I don't want to boast,

but I've got pretty good upper body strength at the moment.

Cool.LAUGHTER Are you going to mark the wobblers?

Here's your decision, it's the first time I've ever done it.

I'm giving everybody here three points. What, everyone?

Yeah. That's how I feel.

They're all as wobbly and as satisfying as each other.

So, they're either all good or they're all shit. It doesn't matter.

That was a waste of everyone's time.

In that case, everyone gets three points. Well done, everybody. Yay!

APPLAUSE

OK, on with the show. What's the first task proper?

Inflation, some wrapping, a little bit of munch-munch

and quite a lot of TikTok.

EERIE DISCORDANT MUSIC

KNOCK ON DOOR Come in.

Hello, Alex. Oh, hello, Mike.

Feeling all right?

Yeah, how are you?

Excited. You're excited?

Yeah.

Here we go.

Say the word "metronome" between every tick of this metronome.

You may not touch or stop the metronome.

Also, you must blow up and tie a balloon

so it's bigger than your head.

Neatly gift wrap the balloon.

And eat three whole poppadoms.

You have five minutes.

The person who accomplishes the most things

within the fewest missed metronomes wins.

Your time starts when the metronome starts. OK.

Also, you must blow up and tie a balloon

so it's bigger than your head, neatly gift...

That's a bit unfair actually cos I have got a massive head.

It is big. So, you know, I bet someone like Sarah Kendall,

who's known in the industry as Pinhead,

you know, she'll just do that.

Blow up a balloon bigger than your head,

wrap it, three poppadoms.

I'm in. METRONOME BEGINS TO TICK

Metronome. Metronome.

Metronome.

Metronome. Metronome.

Metronome. Metronome...

Metronome. Metronome.

Metronome.

Metronome. Metronome.

Well, it instantly sounds like a weird cult.

Have you got a pinhead?

Yes. Once you take the make-up and the hair off,

it's about the size of your pencil. Is it?

Is it?!

She does have quite a lot of hair though. Are we including hair in head?

Oh, no, you can't include hair. Definitely not, that's the wrapping paper.

No, hair is different to head, that's why... It grows ON the head.

..there's two different words. LAUGHTER

Yeah, I thought so. Yeah, me too. Yeah. Yeah.

Let's crack on. So those rules,

accomplish the most tasks with the fewest missed metronomes.

Lovely. We're going to start with a guy who used to go

by the name of Niak, now we call him Mike, yes Mike was Niak.

LAUGHTER Here... Here's his attempt.

Here's his attempt. Wow.

METRONOME TICKS

Metronome... Metronome.

Metronome...

Metronome.

Metronome... Metronome.

Metronome. Metronome.

Metronome... Metronome.

Metronome. Metronome.

How are you at wrapping? Metronome...

Metronome... So, so.

Metronome... Metronome.

Metronome. Metronome.

Metronome... Metronome.

Metronome. Metronome.

Metronome... Metronome.

You've got one minute left. Metronome... Metronome.

MOUTH FULL: Metronome. Metronome.

Metronome... Metronome.

MUFFLED: Metronome. Metronome.

Metronome... Metronome. HE CHUCKLES, SPLUTTERS

Metronome. HE MUMBLES

It's all...all gone.

WHISTLE BLOWS

It's all gone. APPLAUSE

CRUNCHING

HE STOPS CRUNCHING LAUGHTER

HE CRUNCHES, STOPS LAUGHTER

Thank you, Mike. Thank you.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

I mean, I don't think there's anything in life that fazes you.

Don't think people are fazed by poppadoms, are they, normally?

But most people would, in their response to a task like that,

you see some facial change that would suggest

you think this is an unusual thing to be doing.

I just like to be told what to do.

Is that what it is?

Yeah. Even if it's wrap a balloon, say "metronome" and eating some poppadoms.

I'm just like, for the next five minutes...

..it's easy street. LAUGHTER

You're a very strange man.

I'm just obedient.

He was very efficient. He only missed one metronome.

Wow. Wow. Next.

OK, well, now it's time to hear Sarah and Lee say metronome a lot.

But first I'd like to say thanks to the person subtitling this programme.

Thank you, subtitle person. Here we go.

Five minutes. METRONOME TICKS

Metronome. Metronome.

Metronome.

HURRIEDLY: Metronome... Metronome.

Metronome...

Metronome.

HURRIEDLY: Metronome! Metronome.

Metronome...

Metronome.

Is that bigger than my head? Metronome. Metronome.

Metronome.

Ow! Metronome.

Metronome. Can I just say it in my head?

Metronome. Not really. Metronome.

Metronome... Grr!

Metronome. Metronome.

MUFFLED: Metronome. Metronome.

Metronome.

Met... Oh, hello! Metronome.

I didn't notice the time! Metronome. Yeah, two minutes 15 left.

Metronome. Metronome. Metronome.

Metro... Metronome.

Metronome... Metronome.

Metronome. Met... I knew I shouldn't have cut my fingernails this morning. Metronome.

Metronome... Metronome.

POP!

I haven't... Metronome.

Metronome. I haven't got... Metronome.

..the nerve.. Metronome. ..to do this show. Metronome.

MUFFLED: Metronome.

MOUTH FULL: Metronome... Metronome.

Metronome... Metronome.

Metronome. Thanks for the water.

Metronome... Metronome.

Would you like some water? Metronome.

Course I'd like some water! What do you think?! Metronome.

..nome.

Metronome. Met...

POP! Ah, fuck!

Do I get points if I just metronome?

Metronome...

Metronome. Do I get another balloon? Metronome.

Do you want me to get you another balloon? Metronome. Metronome.

It's very hot. Metronome... Metronome.

INTO GLASS: Metronome.

Metronome.

Metronome... Metronome. You've got one minute left.

Metronome... Metronome.

Metronome. Metronome!

Metronome.

Metronome just went through my nose.

Metronome.

Metronome... HE CHOKES ON LAUGHTER

Metronome.

I've got a Bafta, me. Metronome.

MUFFLED: Metronome.

HURRIEDLY: Metronome!

Metronome... Metronome.

Metronome. Metronome.

AIR ESCAPES BALLOON Fuck it.

Metronome... Metronome.

Metronome.

That was really disappointing.

I had really high hopes initially.

You had a real, um, multitask metronome going on.

Yeah. Can I say that nothing...like, if you were to go to, sort of,

give someone a visual representation

of what I feel like parenting feels like -

that's what parenting feels like. Right.

Are you doing a better job at home, just to be clear?

No, not at all. Not at all. LAUGHTER

Even worse was Lee who started strong

and then fully malfunctioned halfway through.

Went to pieces.

Just literally like watching a robot short-circuit,

and once the food and fluid was spilling out of your mouth.

Yeah. Did I hear you shout, "I've got a Bafta?"

Yeah. LAUGHTER

All right, it's break time.

Just time to go and pull up all your neighbour's plants

and tell them there's been a localised cyclone. Bye for now.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE Welcome back to Taskmaster.

Little Alex Horne, update us, please.

Before the break, the task involved them trying to say "metronome"

between every click of the metronome whilst also trying to blow up

a balloon bigger than their head, then wrap the balloon up

and also eat three poppadoms.

I've got a classics degree from Cambridge University.

Next up are Jamali and Charlotte.

Metronome. Metronome.

Metromome. Metromome. Metronome.

Metronome. Metronome. Metronome.

Metronome. I'm out of sync.

Metronome. Metronome. Metronome. Metronome. Metronome.

Metronome. Metronome. Metronome.

Is it bigger than my head? Metronome.

What do you think? Metronome.

I can't see. Metronome. Metronome.

Metronome. Metronome. Metronome.

Metronome. Metronome.

BALLOON POPS

Metronome.

Metronome. Metronome. Metronome.

Not quite yet.

Metronome. Metronome.

HE LAUGHS

Metromome. Metronome.

Metronome. Metronome.

Metromome. Metromome. Metromome.

Metromome. Metromome. Metromome.

PHONE: Metromome. Metromome. Metromome.

APPLAUSE

Metronome. Metronome. Metronome. Metronome.

PHONE:

Metromome. Metromome.

MUFFLED: Metromome. Metromome. Metromome.

What am I saying? Metromome? What is it?

PHONE: Metromome. Metromome...

Oh, my God, so dry! No chutney and no fucking... Done.

I'm done, man. You accomplished how many tasks? All of them.

How many? I did metronome...enough. Enough.

Ten seconds. Metronome. MUFFLED: Metronome.

LOUD CRUNCHES

WHISTLE BLOWS

SHE CHUCKLES

APPLAUSE

SHE COUGHS

AUDIENCE GROANS

What have you done?

I've had a bit of an accident.

APPLAUSE

Well, first things first, I'm not going to penalise either of them

for saying the word "metromome".

Yeah. Both of them, weirdly.

Nice to know I'm not the only one. Metromome!

It was "met your mum" by the end.

I've met your mum. I've met your mum.

I've met your mum. Met your mum. Met your mum.

I mean, that was absolute genius by Jamali,

the recording the "metromome." Oh, thank you.

Does it matter that Jamali, uh, popped his balloon? Well, it said

to inflate it bigger than your head, he did that.

He did that. It didn't stay bigger than his head, but he did then wrap

it up neatly, as did Lee, to be fair.

Yeah, they were both fairly impressive.

I suspect that Charlotte stopped saying "metronome"

half an hour before the end when she decided to focus all of her

energies into neatly feeding poppadoms into her mouth...

Get them down me. ..as if she were a poppadom crunching machine.

She missed quite a few at the end. Spinning them. Yeah. Yeah.

Can you tell me some statistics? Yeah, I think we have to, really.

I mean, Sarah didn't complete any of the tasks in the end.

But that's a good thing, right?

It's not a great thing. No. Hmm ...m.

It's nice to know that's how you run your home.

That's every morning.

Charlotte didn't eat all the poppadoms

and missed seven or eight "metronomes" at the end. No way.

That literally felt like half an hour, you were doing that.

That's uncanny, that. These two, I don't know what you want to do,

points-wise. I'm going to give them one point each.

And these two, Lee and Jamali, both missed three "metronomes."

Twice cos he was drinking and once, obviously, cos he was doing a pun

so he missed one at that point. I'll take it.

And what about the time when he was reduced to salivating out

of his mouth and shouting about his awards?

He stuck to... "Metronome" still came out following the BAFTA claim.

Yeah. I can see you in a curry house shouting about your BAFTA.

"Urrrgh ...FTA! Urrgh ...FTA."

So I'll tell you, it's joint second and four points each to Lee

and Jamali, but the poppadom balloon king was Mike Wozniak,

five points, one miss.

APPLAUSE Of course. Of course it was.

Scoreboard, please. Well, there's two people on four,

two people on seven but the outright leader

with eight points is Mike Wozniak. Oh.

APPLAUSE

Lovely. Task number two, please.

Yes, team time again

and this one has some pretty dire consequences for British wildlife.

Hello, Jamali. Hey, what's up?

Hello, Alex. Hello, Mike.

How are you? Terrific. Nice.

"Draw the best picture of a British animal."

"Each person must fill in one section at a time

"and may not look at any other section during that time."

"Every section must be used, and you may not communicate

"with each other in any way during the task."

"Best picture of a British animal wins."

"You have three minutes per section. Your time starts now."

How are you with British animals? Not great.

I mean, first instinct is, is hedgehog, obviously.

The Great British Hedgehog.

But maybe he'll go lion. I mean, they're not common...

..but they're sort of emblematic, aren't they?

Let's, uh, let's talk about what constitutes a British animal.

It's nice that, uh, Mike, uh, evokes the days of the Raj

by mentioning lions, but I suspect you meant more domestic creatures.

Well, yeah, you had to second guess the rest of your team-mates.

They couldn't speak to each other in the gap, so I thought people would

go for a mountain hare, like you get in Scotland, or...

Yeah, that classic, classic British...

..badger. ..creature, a mountain hare.

Let's have a look. Here we go. It's a montage!

Uh, some hedgehog legs.

It's quite beautiful, innit?

Yeah. What is it?

Pidgeon.

Perhaps he can be having a nice walk on a mossy surface.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Yeah, I've totally messed it up.

Please go away and you can come back in three minutes. OK.

Thank you.

Hi, Alex. Hello, Charlotte. Hello.

"Draw the best picture..." "..of a British animal."

Your time starts now.

It's gonna have to be... That's going to be its feet.

Oh, what could it be? It'll be a bird of a sort. It'll be a bird.

Uh, a Burford Brown hen.

What's your relationship with these hens? Posh eggs.

So, they are the feathers of a grouse.

WHISTLE BLOWS Thank you.

We'll see you in six minutes' time.

Straight to it? Yes, your time has started.

Do you think he's carried on with hedgehog?

I mean, there's a chance, isn't there? It's a gamble.

What's a British animal? A fox.

A rabbit is what I meant by that.

Is that a kangaroo?

WHISTLE BLOWS I'll see you in three minutes, Mike.

Thank you. I've had a little time to think about this,

about how ridiculous it is. I mean, how can we possibly know?

Because it's... We're still pissing in the dark, aren't we, here?

Yeah, but, even if you're pissing in the dark, you know roughly where to aim.

Two minutes left from this section.

Oh, have we start...? You didn't... That's not fair.

I'm just going to carry on drawing what I was doing.

Wings.

Yeah, I fucked that up.

WHISTLE BLOWS

This seems like a good eye level so I'm hoping Lee hasn't eyeballed.

Lovely green eyes.

Oh, that's a bit worrying cos I've got a little bit of something there.

There's a hint of rabbit right there.

Right. Now, I'm going to have to assume that this,

this would be the head.

This is entirely ear.

WHISTLE BLOWS There you go.

WHISTLE BLOWS All right. All right.

OK. Goodbye. It's not good, is it?

It might be.

Well, it looks like it's going to fit together a treat!

We're actually going to look at the team of three first of all,

what they did, and it combined to look like this classic.

Oh, my God. ..British wildlife. It's quite noble.

It's moulting a couple of wings and its legs. Mm.

I should say, Jamali did the fourth and fifth section.

They're actually quite beautiful. They are. Jamali can actually draw.

Unfortunately, they don't join up. He didn't give himself enough of a hint.

That's cos you covered it. I couldn't remember where I put it the first time.

Yeah. That is true, partly my fault. I wouldn't worry about that, mate.

Someone's put some kangaroo legs on it. It's been absolutely ruined.

Um, and actually, I've done a physical representation of it,

-Greg, in 3 -D form. If you have a look in your little drawer...

Yep, it's horrible. Let me see it.

Beautiful. Ahh, mate. That's beautiful. What you talking about?

Imagine seeing that in the wild. You'd want it as a pet.

But if you saw it in the wild, if you were just walking along,

and it stepped out... I'd kill it, yeah. You'd stamp it to death.

Oh, yeah, yeah, but then I'd take it home and show my children afterwards.

I would assume it's giving me quests.

I'd wring its neck as soon as look at it. That's so sweet!

They're already endangered.

I think it does look quite British.

Its sort of bottom half is like an, an upturned acorn,

so that is quite British. I can't believe you made it.

There it is. Are you talking to it, Greg?

I am growing affectionate towards it.

That's it, come on.

Oh, dear God... Oh, wow. Oh.

Wow. That's it, let Daddy feed you.

WHISPERS: Shh, he's asleep. He's feeding.

OK, it's time for some more advertising.

Maybe buy a big pair of scissors to cut your credit cards up,

or a rug cleaner - up to you.

APPLAUSE

Oh, hello, we're back again, it's Taskmaster, it's part three

and it's Little Alex Horne and his Little Alex update.

♪ Little Alex update. ♪

Yes, before the break the teams were trying to draw a picture of a British animal,

but they had to draw a bit of it,

cover it up and then let the next person in their team take over.

Now it's time to have a look at what Mike and Lee came up with together.

It looks like this, Greg.

Ooh.

It depends where you're taking the eyes cos it's a bit LIONEY.

It's a four-eyed beast.

Oh, no, no, no, no. No. That's a four-eyed beast.

No, no, that's a hat.

It's a novelty hat that it's wearing, of a bird.

It's a British animal that can go out and purchase a hat?

It's a... Yeah, we did two heads.

Can I just ask a question? Yes.

Does it feed through its beak or through its stomach mouth?

Uh... It feeds through its beak,

but it feeds its young through its stomach mouth.

The young will assemble in an orderly queue

and then what is emitted from that, urgh,

is the...

They lap that up.

So just to be clear, it eats through its beak. Yeah.

It semi-processes the food. Yeah.

Its young gather round. Yeah. Queue up.

Sorry, they queue up. It's an orderly species.

They feed. They say thank you.

They feed through their beak? Through their beak.

They just have to open their beak and then the stomach...

..squeezes it out to sort of paste.

And is that....?

It's a bit like a sausage of chicken meat.

Same sort of consistency.

Everyone knows this about the hedgehog-legged owl. Yeah.

-There is a 3 -D version in your draw again. How exciting.

I think you'll enjoy this one.

Oh, God.

So....

Wow.

The top head is quite serene as you can see.

Yeah. Oh.

Well, Greg, you've got to judge these two Great British creatures.

I suppose I've got to think about which would benefit the British Isles the most.

Yes, you do. Always. Yeah.

Do you know what I'm going to do?

Yeah.

I'm going to give three points to one creature

and two points to the other because

I think they're both wondrous creatures

and I'd be happy to be wandering across a moor and to bump into either.

For me, the hedgehog-legged owl takes it.

Ooh. And I'll tell you why. Yes, please.

Just a small fact that Mike threw in,

in Britain we queue.

So, the fact that this creature has had the sense

to teach basic manners to its young

means it takes an extra point. There's two points.

Three points for this creature, two points for that.

I have made my judgment.

Well, then that's three points to Mike and Lee.

APPLAUSE

Happy with that.

HIGH VOICE: Can we have another, please?

Always, especially when you fly Taskmaster Airways.

Oh.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Hello, Mike.

Charlotte.

Hiya. You look very happy.

Yeah, I'm in a plane.

Hello, Sarah.

Alex.

Welcome on board. Thank you.

Hello?

That's it.

"Record the greatest aircraft safety announcement

then perform the greatest aircraft safety demonstration."

"Your announcement must be in an accent."

"Your announcement must be in an accent or language other than your own."

"And your demonstration must be unforgettable."

"You have 20 minutes. Your time starts now."

Eek.

Good grief.

Do you understand the task?

I, I'm afraid I do.

This is...this is...

SCOTTISH ACCENT: Lorraine Kelly.

This is the greatest safety announcement you'll ever hear.

So I've got to do like an accent?

Which is...? Or a different language. Do you speak any other languages? Yeah.

Petite parlez vous en Francais.

Ooh, French. Yeah.

GEORDIE ACCENT: Stay in your seats and stay facing forward, forward,

Cheryl Cole South Shields, forward.

I'm so sorry.

Everyone.

APPLAUSE

Wonderful. Wonderful.

Charlotte's, er, children's TV show really, really taking form there.

We're in a plane boys and girls.

Where are we this week, Charlotte? "I'm in a plane. Eek."

Oh, God.

It's the end.

Um, Jamali, that is one sweet French accent.

Yeah, yeah, and that's... I...I...I can't say a lot.

Well, un cheval.

Merci. Merci beaucoup.

Il est dans le jardin.

Shall we? OK, so, we're going to see five, hopefully, unforgettable

aircraft safety announcements

and first of all we're going to see a hint of Jamali and a snifter of Lee. Good luck.

Bonjour.

AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: Well, good afternoon ladies and gentlemen,

this is Captain Perigan Twatcustard, welcome aboard the flight.

If you look out of your window to the right you'll just see,

uh, in the distance there Mount Everest,

which is a little bit of a concern

given that we're going from Heathrow to New York.

In the eventy

of, eh, bon crash,

a life jacket,

eh, uh, bonito.

Ca va.

In the unlikely event of the plane landing on water

and I, of course when I say landing I do of course mean crashing,

uh, underneath your seat you'll find

a really, really long snorkel,

uh, and you're going to need that.

Comment tu t'appelles?

Je m'appelle.

Quel age as-tu?

J'ai dix ans.

La mer.

In the unlikely event of a sudden evacuation,

please make sure you do use the toilets.

Obviously, just a little bit of a light-hearted joke there to make you feel calm,

but seriously if you do need a shit,

please use the toilets.

The fire exits are situated, uh, above your heads

and will drop down from the ceiling

or is that oxygen masks? I can't remember but please, uh,

please remember the chances of survival are slim.

Don't forget, peanuts are available.

Have a nice flight.

Bonjour.

Au revoir.

Comment tu t'appelles?

Merci.

APPLAUSE

I think that's pretty,

pretty good.

Yeah, I think I would be very happy to take off now.

Thank you, Jamali. Ah, no.

Um, when you said before we saw the film that you didn't speak that much French. Yeah.

Because I'd seen your first pronunciation and was impressed by it,

I thought, "Jamali's just being modest."

You weren't being modest.

Yeah, but I'm surprised that I actually got some words.

I don't think we can count "aircrafty".

Aircrafty's, that's pretty French, hombre.

Hombre! You said, "Welcome on board...

..welcome aboard the aircrafty." Yeah.

And then... Facts.

And then said, "What's your name? How old are you?"

Clear and concise, I'm just trying to spread your audience more to France.

Get a European audience.

Thank you.

Um, who's this guy? Who's this character?

I hated him by the way. Thank you.

I counted four times that you predicted

the demise of all the passengers.

Isn't that what all safety announcements are?

They only talk you through the worst-case scenarios, always. and that's what I was doing.

I was just pushing it a little bit further. You pushed it a bit further in that

you said that everyone was going to die

and that the chances of making it to the other side

were virtually zero.

In a crash that is probably true.

Then they can relax because actually if you start thinking,

"What do I need to do if it crashes?"

If you go, "Oh, actually nothing I'll probably die you actually enjoy the flight.

OK, who's next?

It's time now to look at and listen to Charlotte and Sarah.

SCOTTISH ACCENT: This is the greatest safety announcement you'll ever hear,

accompanied by the greatest aircraft safety demonstration.

Stay in your seats and stay facing forward if you think

this is the greatest safety announcement you've ever heard.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

SHE SPEAKS GOBBLEDYGOOK

...Airlines.

SHE SPEAKS GOBBLEDYGOOK

Oh, oh.

Keep your luggage in the overhead lockers if you agree.

If you don't agree, get up and jump out of your nearest window.

Your choice, a free world.

Oooooh!

SHE SCREAMS

How does this fucking thing work?

SHE SPEAKS GOBBLEDYGOOK

Aargh!

...and die!

Good to see you're all still here. Clap with me.

Click with me.

Off we go.

Applause.

SHE CLAPS

Aargh!

SHE SPEAKS GOBBLEDYGOOK

...your flight.

So, the challenge was the greatest? Yes.

Greatest steward's announcement.

Had to be unforgettable as well.

So, what part of greatest were you attempting?

Unforgettable.

You put more emphasis on unforgettable?

I mean, I can't do accents or speak another language,

uh, so that's what it ended up as. Yeah.

Yeah, you're right it, it is difficult to justify.

But it's an unforgettable safety announcement

and if I saw that announcement,

I'd never forget that. Yeah.

Charlotte is hiding from you.

I'm not.

Why? It's not like she's done yet another performance on a children's TV show.

Clap with me, click with me.

Well that, that could be... Spice it up. Ooshie's catchphrase maybe. Spice it up.

This was the task she apologised about most. She apologised to everyone in the end.

Have you apologised personally to Lorraine Kelly yet?

Yes, yes, I've written her an email

and I have haven't heard back.

Right, that's the end of another part,

but if you want to see someone take home

Sarah Kendall's wobbly sausage of chicken meat,

well you know where we are.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, welcome back for the third time today.

You'll get to feast your eyes on the credits soon enough.

But, first, how are our flight attendants doing, Alex?

Well, all badly.

I don't know. You're the judge.

The last person we're going to see is the person who looks

more like a pilot than any actual pilot.

It's Mike Wozniak.

HE ATTEMPTS TO SPEAK GERMAN:

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Evoking the sitcoms of the 1970s there.

I don't know how much of that was genuine German.

Quite a lot, I think? It's basically every German word

I can remember from GCSE German.

And he was a cheeky little sausage, wasn't he? He had a bit of sass.

Did you enjoy shnurrbart?

I enjoyed shnurrbart.

I enjoyed him displaying his backside which, of course,

with Mike, as we know, is a dangerous activity.

Was that on the same day?

It was about an hour before it happened.

That's the, sort of, last recorded footage of my tooshie in

its sweetest era...

..before it moved to a very different part of life.

Even though he was predicting death,

he was such a jaunty character.

I guess I'm going to judge these on who I'd be most comforted

getting in a plane with, and for some reason

I would be less unnerved by Mike's character. So, five sweet points.

Well done, Mike. I would rather be in the company of Charlotte's

children's TV presenter and Jamali's smooth-voiced Frenchman than

I would be with these two absolute nutters. So, the four points...

Four points to Charlotte and Jamali. And for the lunatics - three.

Three points to Lee and Sarah. But five points to

the tooshie in its sweetest era.

APPLAUSE Sweet tooshie action.

Quick look at the scores, please, Alex.

Well, series-wise, Charlotte is now in the lead.

That's... No, the opposite. Sorry, she's on 88.

Jamali's on 109.

Lee and Mike both battling it out for second. 118.

Nine points ahead at the moment, Sarah Kendall.

APPLAUSE

And in terms of the episode - exciting! Jamali and Lee,

joint second on 13. But the leader, with 16 points, is Mike Wozniak.

APPLAUSE

All right, everybody, make your way to the stage

for the final task of the show!

Ooh, what a contraption.

Who's going to read it? Charlotte Ritchie.

Pop.

Pop! Well, it's sticky now, isn't it? So, I might as well embrace it.

OK. Stand on either one leg or both legs...

..you must do so one at a time behind this curtain,

with your hands on your head.

The Taskmaster will then guess

if you're standing on either one leg or both legs.

If he guesses correctly you are eliminated.

The last person standing on either one leg or both legs wins.

So, one at a time, you're going to hide behind the curtains

and you're either going to be like this or like this.

Once your hands are on your head you cannot change

the number of feet that are on the floor.

So, it's Charlotte to play first. Please enter the standing booth.

OK.

Take as long as you want to get in position,

but once your hands are on your head, Charlotte, that's it. Ooh. OK.

You can't see my legs, can you?

No, there's a curtain there. OK.

LAUGHTER OK.

They're on, Greg. She's all yours.

Well, she's a trained actress, so that wobble's very natural.

One leg or two?

Are you on one leg or two?

I'm asking you. I'm not telling you. OK.

Well, I hope I'm wrong in many ways, but I'm saying,

with some confidence, she's on both legs.

She's standing on two legs? Yeah.

My career is actually over, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

Thank you. You are out of the game.

I can't believe that. I was so convinced.

Next up to the standing booth, it's Jamali Maddix. Come on, Jamali.

Oh. He's in, Greg.

Yeah, he is. Don't forget, Greg, just keep an eye on me

and I'll tell you what he's doing.

I'm already less confident than I was.

OK, hands on the head.

I think he's on one.

Ooh. Oh!

Sweet wobbling. Method. Method acting.

Sweet, sweet wobbling. I was practising over there.

Method acting, mate, I got into the role.

Jamali, can you tell me how you do that? Jamali...

I thought he was double bluffing me. Yeah, thank you. Good stuff.

Jamali is through to round two.

Lee, would you mind entering the standing booth?

OK, let's dance.

LAUGHTER

I haven't started yet.

Here we go. Come on now. Here we go.

Oh, that's nice.

They're on. That's nice cos he's leading me to believe

that he's on...

No, I know. He's out.

He's on one leg.

Argh!

Lee, you're in round two with Jamali Maddix. Ah.

Mike Wozniak, you're into the machine.

I'm not... I'm not playing mind games with you,

but I know you're out straight away. Yeah?

I know your face. Hang on.

Look at me.

They're on.

There's a gentle sway there, isn't there?

You're trying to sell two, but you're standing on one.

Is he?

Out, vile jelly!

OK, so at the moment, it's just Lee and Jamali in round two.

I've got my groove now. Bring Kendall into the lion's den, please.

With all that hair I wouldn't risk one leg, you're top-heavy.

She's in.

This is all fine, she's allowed to do this. Yeah.

She needs to get her hands on her head.

She's yours, Greg. It was creative but you're on two legs.

Fuck!

We have three people in round two, Greg. Oh, man.

Jamali Maddix, please re-enter the standing booth.

Oh, lovely. Oh, clever. Yeah.

The hands are on the head.

That's a sweet technique.

It is, innit? It is. Yeah.

Oh, is it one leg or two? Ah, dunno!

Zut alors.

Yeah. Je... Je vais...

I don't want to be arrogant, but the man's on one leg.

Yes! You're quite right, Greg.

Worth a try.

You know what that was a classic case of? Hubris.

Flew too close to the sun, yeah. Yeah.

But it was exciting.

Only Lee and Sarah surviving.

Oh. Oh.

Schoolboy error, that, weren't it? Gag before.

Here we go.

I'm going for the Jamali technique of concentration.

The hands are on the head, Greg.

Just looking for a slight tremor.

Is that a heartbeat?

The man's on one leg.

AUDIENCE GROANS Ah!

Lee Mack survived. We have a finalist or a winner.

Good technique.

This is it. Kendall's been such a big player

in this competition so far.

Come on, Sarah.

We've seen this before.

It's tried and tested.

LAUGHTER

She's mine for the taking.

She's on one leg.

Yeah, she is! Holy moley!

Which means we have a winner, Mr Lee Mack. He takes it.

What a game.

What a climax.

Come down, let's see how that's affected the final scores.

That must've affected things, young fellow, my lad. It really has.

What a game of bluff, double bluff, triple bluff, and more bluff.

Yeah. Only one point each to Charlotte and Mike.

They went out in the first round.

Then we lost Jamali and Sarah, three points each,

but the winner of One Leg Or Two was, of course, Mr Lee Mack.

Took it. The old, knackered legs.

And quite an episode, this.

Up and down people were, in and out,

under and below, up we go!

And the winner...

LAUGHTER

And the winner, with a total of 18 points, he wasn't in the lead,

but he is now, it's Lee Mack!

Hey!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Lee wins!

Please go all wobbly for your wobbly things!

So, what have we learnt today?

We've learnt that if you find yourself out,

wandering on the moors, and you hear a strange noise that draws

you in and you want to discover what its source is...

HE GRUNTS AND SNAPS

..try not to worry, it's just Charlotte Ritchie powering through

some poppadoms.

Bye for now. See you next time, but not until we've applauded

tonight's winner once more, Mr Lee Mack!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media