All language subtitles for Taskmaster - s11e07 - Youve Got No Chutzpah

Boo.

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour.

Taskmaster was recorded in accordance
with all social distancing guidelines
in place at the time of filming.

Yow. I just need to read that again.

Oh.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

I'm Greg Davies,
welcome to Taskmaster.

This is my kingdom and on the days
when I'm not thrashing my surf,

I seek out other entertainment.

From the many corners of the land,
I have gathered five jesters,

and they have danced for me
over a period of weeks.

Soon, it will be time to select
the finest of them all.

He or she will be rewarded with
gold, while the others are fired

against the castle walls
from a giant medieval trebuchet.

I will then eat a load of pork
and look great on a big horse.

That's what's at stake.

Let's meet those that will jest.

Welcome Charlotte Ritchie!

Jamali Maddix!

Lee Mack!

Mike Wozniak!

And Sarah Kendall!

And next to me is a man who makes
me put the mean into demean.

He's a hairy cylinder
of subservience

who once wet himself on a train
when he was 30.

It's little Alex Horne.

CHEERING

Hi. Hi.

I am an emotional wreck, Greg.

Agreed. Shall we crack on?

LAUGHTER OK.

Prize task then. Yes, please, Gigi.

And this week's category is
the best thing to hang on a wall

that you wouldn't normally
hang on a wall.

Ooh. OK, so if someone suggested
mirror, I'd say, "Come off it,

"push off, mate, you haven't
been listening properly,

"and I've had it up to here
with your nonsense", OK?

So at the end of the episode,
the person with the most points

will take home all five things

and gain a very unusual
feature wall at home.

Hello, Sarah. Hi, Greg.

What thing have you brought in

that you wouldn't normally
hang on a wall,

but I'd be excited to see
hung on a wall?

OK, well, I would not normally hang
a picture of myself on a wall.

I think it's weird
for anyone to have, like,

a portrait of themself
in their own home.

You have seen that, right?

Yeah, this is not his house.

If I did have pictures of me in
my house, I should take them down?

Portraits.
Big portraits of yourself.

I should take them down. I'd take it
down. Can you make a note of that?

Remove all of them? Yeah, remove
them all. There's a lot of them.

So, I have a friend who started
drawing pictures of me,

and I wouldn't normally hang
a picture of myself on a wall,

but I would hang these on a wall.
Here we go.

You can hang those on the wall
under your own system

because they don't look like you.

Do you know what? She's actually
written "All right, cobber."

All right, cobber? On the left.
Yeah, yeah.

To...just in case you weren't
sure, "Oh, who's that?"

Ooh, it's Sarah. Uh...

Cos if I'm describing who's on this
series of Taskmaster to anyone,

I always say Sarah Kendall,
you know, "All right, cobber?"

And they go, "Oh." Oh!

Yeah.

Charlotte. OK.

Um, picture this,

you're on the loo, Greg, and you're
thinking, "I want to read a book."

I'm thinking put the book
on the wall opposite your toilet.

Hang it and read it. OK.

And be free.

There you go. OK?

So it hangs at the back, where you
can see the little ropes. Yeah.

You've got some Sellotape there
to keep the book open. Clear.

What if I want to read outside
of those two pages?

Then what it comes with is
a length of bamboo. Uh-huh.

A small piece of, um, Blu-Tack.
Right.

Stick, thwack. What? Slot.

And it's in.
So I can tap and thwack?

You can tap and thwack and slot. OK.

I toilet, I read, I tap and thwack.

And then you're free. And then
I'm free. And then you're free.

Lee, can you beat tap and thwack
while I'm pooing?

One of the problems
with getting old

is how you feel in the morning
when you wake up. Yes.

And I've invented something that's
going to solve all this. Really?

And it's called the wall bed.

So, I've invented the wall bed,
which looks like a normal bed,

but if you stand it upright
and then you strap yourself in...

Lee, I don't want to be critical,
but is there not a chance

that once I'm in my middle-aged
war bed. Yeah.

That when I fall asleep, my body
will slump over those waistbands.

Yeah. And the blood
will be cut off from my waist, uh...

No, because... ..and I won't
be able to breathe properly.

What isn't showing in the picture
is the optional handcuffs.

But they're going to be rubberised
so they're not too uncomfortable.

So, you're in, you're up,
your waist has got you like that.

The most that'll go forward
is your...is your head.

There is an outside risk of
crucification. Crucification? Yeah.

Crucification? Crucification.

Uh, there is an outside risk
of crucification.

That's in the small print.

And I can enjoy a sort of
hostage fantasy, if I fancy one.

Absolutely...
Absolutely, and if someone...

If you have a one-night stand,
it will literally be that.

I think this is a contender.
Congratulations. Oh, good.

Good, I'm... It's a good invention,
that, isn't it? Mike.

Hello. What are you going
to hang on your wall then?

Uh, I have brought a welcome mat.
Oh, OK.

Um, which I think is
sort of fundamentally flawed.

Very much so.

If your guests, they come in,
and they say,

"Thank you very much
for your nice message of welcome,

"please excuse me while I grind
fox faeces into this salutation."

And for the host, it's, you know,
very much saying, you know,

"Welcome but also,
please don't ruin my carpets,

"you filthy turd trudger."

Right. But what if they have got
fox faeces all over their feet?

Then send them away.

This feels rubbish to me.
Does it? Yeah. Yeah?

Makes sense.

Um, Jamali, can you beat that?
Yes, is the answer.

Yeah, yeah, best till last.
All right, uh, do you like sitting?

Um... I mean, do I?
Do you like snacks?

He knows how to play the game.
You've, you've got eyes, Jamali.

So, let's not waste time,
mini-fridge. There we go,

it's a mini-fridge.
Oh. Mini-fridge, next to your sofa.

You don't have to walk, mini-fridge.

You...you...you just admitted you
like sitting and you like snacks.

Five points, please.
I admitted it, yeah.

My body betrays me anyway.
I love to sit.

I love a snack. Yeah. But I don't...

I don't think even I
need this ability.

Wall-mounted fridges
are quite common

cos they really open up
the living space in the kitchen.

So it's not something
that's never hung.

But it isn't usually hung.
Yeah. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Right. Who's got one point?
Wozniak. Mike Wozniak, one point.

What is slightly better
than the welcome mat? Jamali. OK.

Hello, Jamali. Two points to you.
I'll take that.

I'm not going to have a third place.
The others made an effort.

I'm going to give four points
to Sarah's bizarre pictures

and to Charlotte's
tap and sweep automatic reader.

And I'm going to give the
five points, because I like the idea

of not feeling in pain
in the morning, to Lee Mack.

Well done, Lee Mack
gets the full five points.

OK!
Let's get going with a proper task.

Absolutely, and it's time
for a spot of speed reading.

Hiya. You mind standing on the other
side of that rope, please? OK.

Hello, Alex. Oh, hello, Lee.

Hello, Jamali. How you doing?

Pretty good. Hi.

How are you? I'm OK. Please
read the task out loud. Uh...

OK, complete these tasks.

Complete these tasks.

Oh.

Complete these tasks.

Oh, sh... What?

Oh, my god. Oh, no, OK.

Complete these tasks.
The most tasks wins.

Don't light that. I haven't read it.
Complete these tasks. Ah.

Uh, you may not step
beyond this line.

Which line? You had ten minutes
from when the fuse was lit.

Attack The Biscuit.

Chuck The Dog.

Attack The Biscuit,
Chuck The Dog, Embrace The Fish.

Chuck The Dog.

Chuck... Attack The Biscuit,
Chuck The Dog, Embrace The Fish.

Drop The Hat, Inspect The Jacket,
Kick The Lemon.

Oh, stop it. Ahh!

Right, OK.

Oh, the... OK, well,
that didn't work! Two things.

Oh, no. Chuck The Dog.

Uh, mash the... Oh, for fuck's sake.

Am I supposed to remember it?

Mash The Nectarine, Open The Plum,
Quaff The Ribena,

Sniff The Turnip, Undermine
The Vole, Whack The Xylophone,

Yank The something or other.

OK. Fine.

Do you remember how long you've got?

I don't remember what
time limit I've got, no.

So all the information's
on the task. Right.

It was quite a contrast between
Lee's reactions and Sarah's.

They both became
very different characters.

Lee became a member of the cast of
Last Of The Summer Wine...

um, when he went, "Oh, stop it!"

And Sarah became the most
Australian person on the earth,

"Aw, for fuck's sake!"

And we're going to begin by seeing
how Sarah got on all by herself.

Aww. Here she is. I hate this.

Aww.

Mash The Biscuit.

BUZZER

I think I had to attack a dog.
Or lick a dog.

Or bath a dog.

What are you going to do
to that dog?

I suppose I'll lick it and bath it.

I'm going to lick everything cos
I know I had to lick something.

BUZZER

I'm going to bath the dog.

This thing.

Maybe we can figure out
some sort of system.

Like a, like a verb and a noun.

Like, eat the lemon.

Lick the badger.

Play the xylophone.

Well, my main question is,
are you sure that's a badger?

Oh, it's...
I don't know what that is.

Z, it's alphabetical.

Bath The Dog, Fish, E, F, G, H.

OK, so it's the alphabet.

Is it... Oh! It's the verb and then
the noun is the next letter? OK.

Eat The Fish.

No. It's plastic.

J, K, kick the lemon.

O, P...

Plum.

O, nectarine.

Bath Dog, B, D.

Q, R, S, T, U, V, W...

W. Wash The Xylophone.

OK. W? OK.

Aww, but I bathed the dog.

Wash the xy... I don't know.

BUZZER

X, Y, Z.

What's a verb that starts
with Y? Yell at a zebra.

Ah, you fucking zebra!

BUZZER

Thank you, Sarah. Aw, thanks, Alex.

Bye, bye. Bye.

Urgh.

So, you worked out
there was a system there.

Yeah, it took a while. Yeah.

But do you see how it's like, uh,
I was like an enigma codebreaker.

I think Alan Turing, when he was
first experimenting with enigma,

did a lot of licking things, right?

What was that?

Um, you also made it into
the Taskmaster book of quotes

with, "Ah, you fucking zebra."

Mm.

We've all thought it.

It was Yank The Zebra in the end,
so you cracked the system.

What is the system?

The actual instructions,
just to remind everyone,

was Attack The Biscuit, A, B,
then Chop The Dog,

Embrace The Fish, Grab The Hat,
Inspect The Jacket,

Kick The Lemon, you got that one,
Mash The Nectarine, Open The Plum,

Quaff The Ribena, Sniff The Turnip,
Undermine The Vole,

Whack - not wash - The Xylophone,
and Yank The Zebra.

Right, we're off for a break.
So you should have one too.

Go on. Get it.

Hello, welcome back to
Taskmaster, part two.

The sequel.

Before the break, the task involved
following lots of instructions

on a large piece of paper, but I set
fire to that large piece of paper,

and the instructions disappeared.

There was a quick and easy way
to work it out though.

Verb then noun,
in alphabetical order.

Attack The Biscuit, Chuck The Dog,
and so on.

Next, we're going to see
young Charlotte Ritchie

and even younger Jamali Maddix.

Attack The Biscuit, Chuck The Dog.

Right, OK.

Oh, the... Oh, no!

Chuck The Dog.

Embrace The Fish.

Ah, it's just you and me now.

Why's the lemon in the Ribena?

Yeah, it just was...

I think it said it on there.

It said
Plop The Lemon In The Ribena.

Yank the tail, I'm guessing.

Weirdly the biscuit
survived your attack.

Yeah, in fact, it felt a bit
like the other way around, actually.

Yeah, that's a...that's a.... Yeah.
..whole biscuit still.

It's pretty much all still there.

Is this tap water? Yeah. OK.

What size are you? Double XL.

Do you think you've done them all?
I think I've done a lot of them.

Do you remember
what you did to the vole?

I yanked it.
What did you do to the dog?

Chucked it. What did
you do to the biscuit? Oh.

You've got to attack it.

And the Ribena? Yeah. I left it.

Because it had tap water in?
Cause it had tap water.

What would you have done if it was
filtered water? I would've drank it.

OK. I'll factor that in.

They put, like, chemicals
in the tap water. Who does?

Government.

What, Tony Blair? You've got it.

Thank you, Charlotte.
Oh, what a humiliation.

It strikes me, Charlotte,

that you accidentally plopped
a lemon into some Ribena. Yeah.

And then you didn't do
anything else. Yeah.

That's what I feel like
I witnessed there.

I don't know what happened.

You should have a youthful memory
though, at your age.

Yeah, but I get this thing
where, under pressure, I go blank.

Really do. Brain just goes, bye.
Bye.

Or something like that. Bye-bye.

But what's bizarre
is that I obviously knew

to attack the biscuit, and I just
had a long conversation with you

about the biscuit
and didn't just do it.

You did eventually attack the
biscuit after being attacked by it.

And she embraced the fish
for quite some time.
She did three things in the end.

Oh, all right.
Come on, that's all right.

Much better than I thought.
Thank you.

It seems to me that Jamali
did a lot better. Mm. Yes.

But I want to drill down into your
dislike of tap water, first of all.

Obviously. Don't drink it, man.
You don't really think

that the government
are putting chemicals in it?

They do put chemicals in it.

It's not, it's not like a...
Chlorine, isn't it?

Well, I'm not saying it's anything
to do with Illuminati, but...

I don't, you know, I don't drink it.

Are you going to give him
Quaff The Ribena?

He would have
if it hadn't been tap water.

Well, now that he's, uh, explained
to me how dangerous tap water is,

yes, I am going to give him
the point. OK.

So how many points has he got?
He got six...

Whoa. ..of the 13. Very good.

Did the last two work out the code?

Here's Lee and Mike
to answer that question.

I'm going to have to try
and improvise now.

I remember there's a biscuit.

Well, we can see the biscuit. Right.

OK. Fine.

Attack The Biscuit.
Attack The Biscuit.

Attack the biscuit.

I can definitely attack the biscuit.

Ha!

Right, that's easy, cos I imagine it
was you lighting a piece of paper.

Quaff The Ribena.

Open The Plum.

Hat.

Could've been
Attack The Hat, actually.

I've attacked the hat.

Um, lemon.

Kick? Not sure.

All I can remember is attack,
so, uh, my theory is,

if I attack everything,
one of them is right.

Ooh.

Undermine The Vole.

Um, you've got no chutzpah.

Uh, your organisational skills
are lacklustre,

your time-keeping is abysmal.

BUZZER

We'll attack that, we'll attack that
and we'll attack that.

Bite the apple?

No. It's a nectarine

and it wasn't bite it.

This has got to be drink, hasn't it?

Um, bowler hat.

Wear it? Kick it?
BUZZER

Stamp on it? Put it on a zebra?

Attack, hide.

Are you trying to think
of another verb?

I can think of the verbs. I mean...

I'm thinking of
the logical verbs. OK.

I'm out of thoughts.

Ride it.

Seems reasonable.

It wasn't get in the bath, was it?

Have you ever washed a dog before?

I've never... No, I've never washed
a dog. Isn't this how you do it?

The jacket, dead zebra.

I did terrible, didn't I?
Thanks, Lee.

Who tells you to
attack a fucking lemon?

BUZZER

Turns out, nobody!

Basically, Lee, what,
what your memory can now hold

is the first thing that you see,
and the first word you hear.

So, attack and biscuit, uh,
and the biscuits in front of you,

that's all that went in. Yeah.

The rest of that was just madness.
Uh, the only th...

I'm getting to the age now where,
when I saw the bath, I thought,

"Perhaps I should go down a hill in
that like Last Of The Summer Wine."

But he did attack the biscuit
successfully, he quaffed the Ribena.

He did. I mean, that was lucky.
Be honest.

Accidentally whacked the xylophone
and yanked the zebra

because he attacked them both.
Did I?

If you want to give him whack and
yank. Yeah. I didn't realise that.

Yeah, I'll give him whack
and yank, for God's sake.

Aww. Give the guy a break.

Thank you.
So, he got a total of four then.

I mean, it's amazing
he remembers to dress himself.

Um, Mike, you undermined the vole
and I actually, out loud,

whispered to myself,
"His poor children."

"You've got no chutzpah"?

That's your go-to
for undermining something?

Well, I'm...
You've got no chutzpah!

Uh, but, I mean, I was excited.
There was fire,

I'd been told to undermine a vole,
and I...I let him have it, you know?

How many did he get?
I would say seven.

He attacked the biscuit, he kicked
the lemon, he opened the plum,

he quaffed the Ribena,
of course he undermined the vole,

he also whacked the xylophone and
he yanked the zebra off the wall.

So, we'll give him seven out of 13.
It was a valiant attempt.

D'you want me to give you
the points? I do. Let's go.

Sarah came last,
so she gets one point.

Next up is Charlotte, she gets two.

Lee gets three points, Jamali four,

but the winner of that task,
he got seven things right,

so Mike Wozniak gets five points.

Hooray!

So let's have a scoreboard,
shall we? Yes.

We've got three people
in joint second on six points.

That's Charlotte, Jamali and Mike.
He's not won an episode yet,

but Lee Mack is in the lead
with eight points. Hooray!

What's next? It's dinner time.

Alex. Hello, Jamali.

How you doing?

I mean, is the task in the babushka?

Should I... May I?

Boing.

Hang on. Is there an envelope
that I should be looking at first?

Ooh. There's a little...
What's that? That can't be...

I mean, there wouldn't be anymore,
would there?

There's got... Hang on. Ooh. Oh.

"Please look under the table."

Oh, nice.

That was fun, wasn't it? Yeah,
you know, it was...it was fun.

Was the task in the...? Are you...?

Haven't got a clue. OK.

Ooh.

"Make the best babushka meal."

Each course must be presented
inside the previous course.

Best babushka meal wins.

You have five minutes
to order your ingredients

and 20 minutes to prepare
your babushka meal.

That's not much time, 20 minutes.

Take longer than that
to do Angel Delight.

Your time starts now.

Golly. OK.

Each course must be presented
inside the previous course.

All right. We're not baking, are we?

I mean, we can't do, like, a protein
animal stuffed inside an animal,

stuffed inside an animal,

otherwise you're going
to have to eat raw, layered animal.

The first item has to be
the biggest item I can think of

that is edible, but also hollow.

Greg available?

Hmm.

I've got nothing going on in there.

Nothing at all? Nothing.

Except for the fact that
I'm thinking that I'm thinking.

Uh, an avocado. A lime.

No. You're going to have to eat it.

Yes. A lime.

You've got to eat it, right? Yes.
Can I have a tin of soup, please?

Like, literally the cheapest,
non-brand soup you can get.

Ask them,
what do you have in the back?

I've got...the word eggs
has just come into my head.

I think I'm going to need eggs.

Hundreds and thousands.

I don't need that many, just one.
But I'll be honest with you,

I think you might have to buy them
in the hundreds and thousands.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Thank you, Mike.

I'm going to go to the
hypermarket today. On the ferry?

Yes. And I'll just sit tight.

Right. Right.

So, it's a sort of twisted version
of a three bird roast

we're talking about. The turducken.

I want to keep, uh, track
of Charlotte's ongoing audition

to be a children's TV presenter.

Yes. It's going well, isn't it?
Um, do you remember what you said

when you took
the babushka's head off? Um...

I'll tell you if you like. I've
written it down. OK, what was it?

Boing. OK.

OK. It went ba-boing. Yeah.

Well, if I went boing... Boing.

You learn a lot about yourself.

Should we, uh,...should
we see some stuff? Mm, OK,

we're going to start with two chefs

and a nice slice
of Kendall Mike Cake.

It's Mike and Sarah.

What is...?

OK.

Couscous.

Dinner is served.

That took you four minutes.

It's a simple dish.

Hey.

Oh. It looks quite nice.

So, you undo the bow to reveal
a simple but sophisticated starter

of, uh, bread and olives.

So, it's your bed of lettuce. Mm.

Inside the lettuce is your apple.
Inside that is your avocado.

And... Oh, what's that? That's
your salmon and your couscous.

Well, that looks horrible.

So, you got your bread
and your olives there.

I'm not a big fan of olives.
Not a big fan of olives?

No. Even now? Oh, absolutely.

OK. They're quite, uh...bleurgh.
You know what I mean?

Inside is your orange. Your
orange peel. Your orange peel.

Not to be confused
with the good bit.

And now move onto the main course,
scotch.

Just scotch? Yeah.

Where's the egg? That's
been removed. It's just scotch.

That's your banana.
I recognise that.

Yeah, that's your banana
inside your orange,

and there's fusilli and chilli
and, uh ...nta.

Where's the Fan...
Oh, that's the wet, is it?

OK, well, let's see if we can
get a bit of everything.

Oh, you really see it there,
don't you?

Look at that.

And now, for the final
baby babushka, is your pudding.

Oh, a little chocolate egg.
Little chocolate egg.

You could sell them.
Uh, well...yeah.

I've got other...other interests.

Bon appetit.

AUDIENCE GROAN

It's not that bad.

I'll just package up the, uh,
remaining halves.

It re-babushkas, as you can see.

If you haven't finished,
you just re-babushka'd it.

I re-babushka'd it. Yeah.

Excellent.

Sarah taking onboard high-end,
uh, maitre d' techniques there,

which is, as you're offering up
the meal,

to touch every element of it
with your finger.

Really kind of started
working it a little bit.

I have to take responses from you
really, cos you had to eat it.

Yes, it was drenched in Fanta.

That's worth noting.
So is the Fanta jus?

Mike's was more fully
enclosed, but also... Yeah.

..very basic.

I boo-booed with the olives.
I admit that.

I like the fact that you thought
he might enjoy olives

for the first time in his life
in context of your creation.

That was a nice touch.
Thought it was worth a pop.

I also think some credit
should be given

to making a meal that's,
uh, re-babushkable.

Exactly. For Cornish miners.
Oh, exactly.

If they don't want to take their
usual pasty, they can...

Just wrap up a...
Re-babushka a load of shit.

Right, well, if it isn't the old
end of part two. I bloody knew it.

Hello, hello,
welcome back to Taskmaster.

Before the break, there was some
sort of babushka banquet going on.

You're absolutely right.

The contestants had to make a meal

with each course
inside the previous course,

and so far all the meals
have been top-notch and delicious.

The next chefs up are
Lee and Jamali.

What flavour soup do you like?
We got non-descript or non-descript?

Oh, I love a bit of
non-descript soup. Non-descript.

Carefully slice, carefully slice.
Ooh, look at that!

AUDIENCE GROAN

Put that around there,
keep it all knotted together.

Oh, you...

How long's left, Alex? Five minutes.
I've got to remember the order now.

Here you go.

I call it the full day set-up.

Hello, sir.

Wow. Your dish.

Et voila.

And breakfast first, is it?
Yeah, breakfast first.

So, salmon and eggs.

Yeah, they're nice. Yeah.
How many eggs?

You've got about six eggs in there.

Lovely stuff.

Aww, yes.

How firmly is that held together?
Can I let go?

You can. It won't move anywhere.
Well, it'll move a bit.

And then inside,
you'll see the many layers.

It looks fabulous. Thank you.

And what do we have below?

Well, you've got soup. Ooh, yeah.

It's cold soup, too. Oh, thank you.

So it's, what's it called? What
do you call cold soup? Gazpacho.

Oh, it is cold. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mm.

On the outside layer, would you
like to start with the watermelon?

Yes, please.

That's delicious.
It tastes so watermelon-y.

This is the main course.

That was breakfast, that was lunch,
it is chicken now. Right.

Full roast chicken.
Just straightforward chicken?
Full roast chicken.

A little cantaloupe in the mouth.
Get the jelly in you, that's
the next layer after the cantaloupe.

Everything's alternated with jelly.
Cleanses the palette, doesn't it?
Mm-hm.

What's after the cantaloupe?
I think it might be the...

Looks like there's a bit
of chocolate. ..Kinder Egg.

Nice surprise? Well, the surprise
is there's jelly and a pea.

Get the jelly. Cleanse the palette.

The chicken top comes off.
It should come off.

Just peel it back. Oh.
Yeah, there you go.

And then you've got
a Yorkshire pudding.

AUDIENCE GROAN
There you go.

Ooh. That's disappointing, that bit.

Yeah, but that's the jus, isn't it?
Mm.

Oh, no. Is that a tic-tac? Mm-hm.

Go Smartie, go jelly,
cos each layer is...

Have I mentioned
about each layer being int...

You have. Cleanse the palette.

Get in there with the pea.

Oh, that's actually nicer
than a normal pea.

Inside the... Oh, yeah.

..is trifle.

Oh, that's lovely. Wrapped up in a
plastic bag. Presented very nicely.

You've only got one thing left.
You have a hundreds and thousand.

A hundreds and thousand.
How do you say this word?

There is one hundreds and thousand
in there. Yes.

Eat that.

That's disappointing. Mm.

To be fair, hundreds and thousand
aren't known for their taste,

it's more of a texture.
Thank you, Lee.

All right. Thank you.
I'm going to go back to breakfast.

OK, man. You enjoy it. Will do.

Wow.

I mean, you upped the ambition,
both of you. Yeah.

Do you know I trained to be a chef?
Did you?

You can't see that there, but...

Yeah, I can see why you're
a comedian. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh... Yeah.

Jamali did the proper cooking
amongst the five of them.

I really like the logic of
a whole day of eating as well. Yeah.

Um, I just don't know
where the concept of, uh,

smothering everything in soup
comes from.

That was one of the layers, isn't
it? So, it's the bread and soup.

One of the most appetising moments
for me

is when the chicken was lifted...

Yeah. ..and the cold soup
came in like a...

That's the point. It was
like a river. ..a river of misery.

Yeah. His meal did feed
the crew for the whole day.

We had all... Cos the salmon
and the eggs were delicious,

the chicken, once you'd
rinsed off the soup, was fine.

We didn't waste any of that.
It was a lovely meal.

It really, genuinely all got eaten?

There was a tiger loaf.
It was a lovely dish, so thank you.

It was impressive. What about Lee's?

Now, I think what you did
was intersperse every course

with jelly to cleanse the palette.

Admittedly, I probably should've
gone with a mint or a lemon flavour,

not strawberry. It's not known
for cleansing the palette.

Well, you came good
with the mint in the end

and, of course,
that classic pea into mint...

Pea, mint, hundreds and thousand.

The pea was the most spectacular
solitary pea I've ever eaten.

They were both very impressive,
very ambitious meals.

Scrum. Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

I don't know whether
Charlotte can beat this.

Do you want to see? Yes.

OK. It's the last supper now,
made by Charlotte Ritchie.

Right.

I mean, there's nothing
going on there.

I did forget to put the heat on.

LAUGHTER

On that goes.

Thank you.

Hello. Hello.

That's for you to wash it down with.
Right.

Is it on a plate? No.

Don't need it. No? I've...

I've got a knife and fork.
Do I need these? Um...

I don't think so. No.

Right then.

Oh.

That's it, straight in.

I can't take credit for that.

So, it's bread
and just seasoned with...?

Doesn't need it? No.

OK, well, that was nice. Yeah.

Onto the second course.
What's the black bit?

That's, um...crisping.

And this is the egg with...? Egg.

Yeah.

What I think you've done... Yeah.

..is that you ordered
some ingredients...

Yeah. ..and now I'm eating
the ingredients...

Yeah, I can see why that
might feel... ..one by one.

..the basic approach.

What's nice as well
is that that egg's left

a lovely sort of sheen of moisture
over the... Yeah.

..raw pepper.

And how have you done the pepper?
Just done it.

Cut it in half? Yeah.

Course number four. Yeah.
Onion. Oh, boy.

It's not cooked. Mm.

Sorry.

Oh, dear.
And lemonade's not going to...

Oh. It's hard work.

OK, so I can see
what's happening now. Yeah.

You've got pudding.

Get the mushroom off the pudding.

It's like the inside of an animal.

What does it...? No.

That's the anus and that's the...
Urgh.

That is disgusting.

And you're going to eat that, yeah?
I'm going to suck it out, I think.

Oh, no!

Oh, did you get the... You sucked
the innards out of the chocolate.

Is it pop your finger in and...?

Well, it looks like it.

Oh. Have you done it yet?

Yup. I heard it.

You can keep it
as a sort of snack box.

Yeah, that's going to last me
a week or two, I think. Yeah.

Thank you. Thank you.

Enjoy.

Anus chocolate block.

As a general rule, I don't know
whether the chef should be

quite so visibly disgusted
by their own meal.

Their own dish, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And what cooking actually
went on? You cooked the eggs.

So, the cooking process... OK.

..takes the minerals out of food,
right? Yeah, you made an omelette,

that was the cooking process...
Yeah, but you've got to with an egg.

..which put a slimy sheen
over a pepper.

Stunning. Right. Stunning. Yeah.

Also, I want to say,
I did use the bread after.

I actually made something delicious
with it when I took it home.

It's worth us saying

that none of the food
during this task got wasted.

No, it was all reused.
It was reused.

You ready? I'm ready.

Um, two points each... Ooh.

..for Mike and Charlotte.

The basic boys.
Two points is more than generous.

Oh, should I give them one?

If I look at them now, I feel
like taking a point off them.

Please don't. Because I've
seen their faces. But don't.

I think I've got to teach Mike
a lesson here for his smug face.

Ah. I'm going to give him one point
and I'm going to give Charlotte two.

I think he's got to learn
something from this.

OK, so smug-faced Mike has one.
So, I haven't got away with it

is what you're saying?
No, you haven't. No.

One point to Mike. OK, good.
Two points to Charlotte. Yeah. Good.

And by far the best, uh, was Jamali,
so I'm... You're going...?

..going to jump to the top now.

Jamali gets five points.

Then, it's the incredible flavours
of Lee's super pea.

Oh, the pea.

Because the jus affected me
emotionally so much... Thank you.

..it'd be wrong to mark Sarah down.

I'm going to give her four points
too. So it goes one to Mike,

two to Charlotte, four to Lee,
four to Sarah,

five points to Jamali Maddix.
There it is.

Happy with that.

Woo!

OK, what have we got now?

We've got a team task
and one I think they'll all agree

they found intensely infuriating.
Oh, my God.

Hello.

This looks interesting.

Whoa. Oh, it's drizzle.

Please be careful.

Lovely.

On your marks, get set, go.

"Get out of the front gate setting
off the alarm the fewest times."

"Every time the alarm goes off,
you must start again."

"You must only step on
your stepping stones."

OK. All right.
Your time starts...now.

I bet the red one goes... Yeah.

ALARM BLARES

ALARM BLARES
Oh, no.

Baffling.

I have to say, of all the things
we did on those things,

this is the one that's been playing
on my, uh, mind.

I am dying to know what
the hell was going on here.

Well, die no longer.
You're about to find out.

We are. We're going to see you
and Mike attempt it first of all.

Can they crack the code?

ALARM BLARES
Oh, no.

It's not the red
that started it off.

ALARM BLARES

Maybe we're supposed to be stepping
at the same time? Let's try that.

Doing it together doesn't seem...
ALARM BLARES

Ah. Is that cos
we've got two on one?

ALARM BLARES

What if you can't talk,
but when you get to the green

you've got to start talking? OK.

Did you have a nice breakfast?
Hello, I'm not talking, are you
talking?

ALARM BLARES
Oh.

Every time you pass green,
YOU'VE got to stop talking.

Yeah. Well, I must say,
it's a bit of a swel...

ALARM BLARES
Try the opposite way.

Hello, I'm now talking
and you're not ta...

ALARM BLARES

Every time you're on the
green thing you make a noise.

Yeah. Noise time.

ALARM BLARES
That's not it.

Are you guys enjoying the task?

Really not enjoying it, genuinely.

Cos I don't like
trying to solve something

when I don't know what it is
I'm supposed to be solving.

Can I suggest something?
Lighting up? No!

Have we tried it where,
when I'm on the green,

you talk and I don't talk?

Yeah, we did that. That didn't work.
No.

ALARM BLARES

ALARM CONTINUES TO BLARE

What was that about?
Cos that was the white.

It is consistent.

Consistently annoying.

Right, look, I'm going
to try something.

We're here now,
we've got nothing to lose.

Yeah. I'm talking now, I'm tal...

ALARM BLARES
Right. Yeah.

So that sets it off.
Yeah, and I'm talking now.

ALARM BLARES
Right, so we can't talk.

Animal noises? Seems like a stretch.

Why don't we make
the noise of the alarm?

Wa-wa-wa-wa!

Wa-wa-wa, wa-wa-wa!

Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa!

Wa-wa-wa!

Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa!

Wa-wa-wa-wa.

I've never solved a puzzle before
and still not know how I solved it.

Very good.
I just would like it noted

that I think that Mike runs
like a lion stalked gazelle.

And I'd like to point out,
yet again,

that he has, instinctively,
a Victorian dialect he employs.

When he was asked, just him to
talk, he said, "Well, I must say."

It's just entirely bizarre.
Tell me what the system is.

The alarm goes off
after seven seconds of silence

or when someone says a word
containing the letter T.

Right. Like tank top or rabbit.

How would we have ever got that? So,
they stumbled across their victory.

This one was very much which team
stumbled across the code first.

"Well, I must say."

Right, well, you'll just have
to wait until after the break

to see how the others got on.
We'll see you then.

Welcome back to the final part
of the show,

where each team is trying to escape
the Taskmaster complex.

The teams had to try
and get through the front gate,

stepping only on the stepping
stones, but they couldn't say

any words containing the letter T
or have any periods of silence

over seven seconds,
otherwise the alarm would go off

and they'd have to start
all over again.

So, which team's
going to get the five points?

Here's how the team of three got on.
Play on.

Yeah.
ALARM BLARES

Wait, is that..? I think
the red one set it off. OK.

We can move the stepping stones, so
if you step like this and then...

ALARM BLARES
Oh. How? It's not just the red ones.

Oh, maybe we've got to step
at the same time? Yeah, maybe.

ALARM BLARES
I think... I went too fast.

Yeah, went too distanced.
OK, sorry. OK.

One, two...

ALARM BLARES

Maybe only one of us go?

ALARM BLARES

Oh, maybe you have to remember
the ones that set off the alarm?

So, mine's after the green.

ALARM BLARES

Last time it was after the green.

ALARM BLARES
Hang on, I didn't even
step on it then.

OK, so what's the situation?

Cos there must be someone
watching us and then doing
the buzzer when we do the thing.

Do we sabotage the person behind
in the caravan with the buzzer?

What, we go and attack them?

Is there something we say
beforehand? Turn the alarm off.

ALARM BLARES
Ooh, I was so sure.

That should be the solution to it.
The colour?

Maybe we say the colour
as we walk on them?

Yeah, sure. OK.

ALL: White.

ALARM BLARES

My favourite colour is not...

ALL: Red, red, red. Red.

White. Red. White.
ALARM BLARES

Do you want to just try and sprint?

ALARM BLARES

Backwards?

"Every time the alarm goes off..."
ALARM BLARES

Red, red, red, red, white, red.

ALARM BLARES

Just say red the whole time.
Did you see how far I got with red?

Red, red, red, red, red, red, red,
red, red, red, red, red, red,

red, red, red, red, red, red, red,
red, red, red, red, red, red.

THEY CHEER

Red, red, red, red,
red, red, red, red.

Red, red, red, red, red.
Red, red, red, red, red.

Red, red. Yes!

We did it.

ALEX: Thank you, team. Well done.

Oh, wow.

Jamali cracked it.

The frustration that you felt,
I think,

was neatly summed up by the classic,
"What's the situation?"

Oh, my God! It's like a bad line,
that is. It would be a line that,

if you wrote in a script,
someone would say,

"Well, you can't say that, no-one
ever says 'what's the situation?'"

I'm genuinely on tenterhooks
about the situation,

cos I don't know who did it fastest.

I mean, I know what the situation
is. I think the situation's bad.

The team of two took 12 minutes 24.

Yeah.
The team of three, 15 minutes 50.

Oh. However... Ah.
..it's not about that,

it's who set off the alarm
the fewest times.

Oh, yes.

Well, I must say.

I tell you what, that is not
the situation I was expecting.

So Jamali, Charlotte, and Sarah
only set off the alarm 34 times.

OK. That's quite a lot, isn't it?

Yes. Mike and Lee 21 times,
so they win the five points.

Five points!

Let's have a look at the scores.

I'm going to give you series
score update, if you want, Greg.

Yes, I do want.
Charlotte, you've got 77 points.

Well done. Thank you.

But everyone has got
a lot more than you.

Right. I'd expect that.

Jamali has 95, Lee and Mike
are joint second with 100.

Sarah, 15 points ahead on 115.

Oh, it's narrowing. It's narrowing.

It is narrowing.
Now, we've got a game on.

We do, and in this episode,
Lee is on 17 points in the lead.

Romping ahead.

OK, everybody,
make your way to the stage

for the final task of the show.

Lovely. The gloved contestants.

And the wellies. And the wellies.

Look at Uncle Mike. Lovely. Yeah.

That's how I imagine
he dresses most days.

Who's going to read the task?

I have it, captain. Please.

"Make your rubber gloves and wellies
as heavy as possible

"whilst wearing your rubber
gloves and wellies.

"You have 90 seconds.

"You must only put things in your
rubber gloves for the first minute."

You can put stuff in your wellies
after the second whistle.

Your 90 seconds starts.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Spoons, marbles, gaffer.

You must stay on your spots,
as always.

Urgh. And off they go.

Marbles are out.

Marbles are really out.

Ah!

I can't hear anything anymore.
Pardon?

I can't hear anything anymore.

I did a little joke about hearing.
Really good.

Pardon? Really good.

Oh, my God, they were coming out.

WHISTLE BLOWS
It's wellies time.

We're onto wellies.

In ten seconds,
you must stand still.

Ten seconds.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Please stand up.

Release your fingers. Release...
Michael. Oh, f.

I think Wozniak has snatched defeat
from the jaws of victory.

Right, stay where you are.

We'll weigh all those and we'll see
how it's affected the final scores.

Welcome back. Thanks, mate.

No. Cobber. Thanks, cobber. OK.

Well, they had different methods
and very different results as well.

Some seemed very impressive,
but did they stick by the rules?

Well, there was a bucket system
engineered up there.

All the men, in fact, gaffered
the buckets to their wellies.

Charlotte's wellies and
rubber gloves were the lightest.

0.95 kilograms. Mm-hm.

And then we have Mike,
who had a very heavy one,

but they all fell out at the last
second. So, he came second last.

Which was delicious.

1.09kgs.

Sarah, 1.12kg.

Then it's between Jamali and Lee.
Uh-oh.

Jamali, 5.36, Lee, 6.42 in total.
Woah.

So, Charlotte was in last with one,
uh, two to Mike,

three to Sarah, four to Jamali,
five to Lee.

However... Yeah.
..there was one other rule,

which was whilst wearing
your rubber gloves and wellies.

Right. Jamali took off his
rubber gloves after 18 seconds.

Aww.

He devised a bucket system,
but he then

couldn't get into the gaffer tape
wearing the rubber gloves.

It was fiddly. Aww, man.

It feels so cruel.

It's obviously no points,
but he invented the bucket system.

I very rarely give out a bonus
point, but because you invented

the bucket system, I'm going
to give him a bonus point.

Oh, thank you. Lucky Jamali.
You're welcome. Yeah.

All right, uh, but
Lee Mack wins the task. There it is!

I'm delighted.
The happiest day of my life.

And so, I'd say the scores are in.

It's a familiar face in last place.

Hello, Charlotte. Hiya.

You've got nine points, but the
winner with 22 points is Lee Mack!

Hey! It happened.
It had to happen eventually.

Lee Mack wins!

Please go and hoard
your hangable heirlooms.

Woo!

So, what have we learned today?

We've learned it's been confirmed
that Charlotte Ritchie

has a future as a children's
television presenter.

Her first show is called
What's The Situation?

And on it, she'll be joined

by her two puppet sidekicks,
Boing and Ganoosh.

Only three to go.

For now, let's see tonight's winner
revel in his glory.

It's Lee Mack!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media