Original subtitles

Yow!

I just need to read that again.

Oh.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. I'm Greg Davies. Welcome to Taskmaster.

Got a job that needs doing?

Worried you'll never find anyone to do it?

Perhaps it feels too degrading?

Maybe it's a job that doesn't really need doing at all.

Well, good news.

I happen to know five people who will do anything for a handful of rice

and the chance to win a trophy that I can tell you from personal experience

does not peak interest on eBay.

Who are these super-subservient savants? I'll tell you.

They're Charlotte Ritchie!

APPLAUSE

Jamali Maddix!

Lee Mack!

Mike Wozniak!

And Sarah Kendall!

And next to me, a man who is single-handedly keeping

the plastic slip-on shoe industry alive -

it's little Alex Horne.

Yeah. Proud of that.

No shame.

Absolutely weird.

They're even more practical than Velcro.

Don't know why you wouldn't wear them. I'm feeling nostalgic.

Are you? I was thinking about old holidays and I've brought a couple of photos.

Are we at the stage where I can show you holiday photos? Yeah? Yeah.

Just a few favourite from my 20s.

That's me at the Champs-Elysees.

That is actually you. At the Champs-Elysees.

At the Champs... Took a picture of a couple of gendarmes.

Sometimes they wear, uh, roller skates in France. Yeah.

That's me in, uh, Scotland on Iona,

on a little, uh, stony promontory.

Yeah, it is. Yeah. It's nice, isn't it?

And that is genuinely it for this section.

He brought some old photos in to show me.

And I was tipped off just before,

so I've, um,

got one of my family photos to show Alex.

So, that's nice.

So now we can get on with the game.

Now that we've shared family photos,

we can get on with the game.

LAUGHTER

Let's get on with the prize task.

Of course.

The category this week is The Most Annoying Thing.

AIR HORN BLASTS

For example.

Greg will award five points to the person who's brought in the most annoying thing,

and at the end of the show the overall winner will take home five really annoying things

and probably feel quite annoyed about winning.

All right, then. Mm.

Sarah. Mm.

Annoy me. OK.

Uh, so I brought in, uh, what I found out is called a stud finder.

That's what it looks like. Little machine.

You drag it across a wall,

and it should go beep-beep-beep -

means you've got something to drill into.

A beeeep-beeeep means electrics,

so don't drill into it.

Ahh. Right? And... OK.

..every time I run it across any surface, it would give me

a different result.

Every single time - a different result.

I am annoyed by your description of it

and I'm annoyed by the object.

People do find these things annoying.

Nearly all the reviews are things like,

"Absolute rubbish. May as well call it a wall detector.

"Will beep for anything, even after recalibration..."

Will beep for anything? Yeah. Yeah, it's a piece of shit.

Lee? Can you beat old beepy?

Yes. Um...

LAUGHTER

I, uh, work on, uh, a television programme,

BBC One, called Not Going Out.

And I asked for a prop where I have to be attacked

by my fictional wife

by the common weapon of the yard of Twix.

A yard of Twix - and we've got it here. The yard of Twix.

And I got home and I said to the kids,

"Good news. I've got a yard of Twix."

The kids went crazy. "Oh, my gosh, this is amazing!"

They opened it up, but there wasn't a yard of Twix in there.

There was a piece of wood. Have you got the piece of wood?

Uh-huh. That's what was inside.

Oh. A solid piece of wood.

So, I'm very annoyed

because my kids are now crying,

they're screaming, they're going crazy.

That's pretty annoying, right? That is annoying.

Do you know why a Twix is called Twix?

Uh, no, I don't. But I'll guess.

Two wonderful...individual...

Hm! You've got it so far.

"It's chocolate..."

No, it's twin...twin biscuits. Oh. Twin biscuits, Twix.

What was that last one again?

"It's chocolate. It's chocolate."

Um, Charlotte, what did you bring in?

For me, the alarm clock is the most annoying item that there is that exists.

So Charlotte has brought in these alarm clocks. Yes.

I hate them all. They're the most annoying thing.

We can hear the noises if you want. This is how they sound together.

Oh, now we're talking. This might make them...

BEEPING AND RINGING

ALARMS STOP

It's ...'s... It's just the fact that I'm being woken up.

So you're bringing in the concept of being woken up? Yeah, yeah.

Well, I mean, the concept of sort of time endlessly going on

and having to continually wake up.

LAUGHTER

OK. Happy with that, Greg? Yeah, sort of.

Um, Jamali... What have you brought in?

Uh, kids' face paint.

Red, white and blue today. This is what he's brought in.

I'm fully on board with you about this,

but I just want to clarify what your reasons are for disliking face paint.

Is it you don't like having your face painted?

Or you don't like children... All of it.

..drawing attention to themselves? All of it.

I've got two nieces who I'm fond of, but when they come up

and go, "I'm a tiger, and I've had my face painted..."

Yeah, it's jarring. I couldn't give a shit. It's never done...

I couldn't give a shit. They never actually look like the thing, really.

I have got a little cousin. He's like, "Oh, look, yeah, I'm a lion," and he was blue.

And it really pissed me off. It'd annoy me. Yeah. A blue lion?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Michael? Uh, I brought in a symbolic nipple.

Here is the symbolic nipple.

Uh, this is because I've got an oral fixation.

Pop psychology-wise would suggest that this began

with the nipple.

Unless I'm very, very, very, heavily distracted, uh,

I either have something in my mouth

or I'm thinking about what I could put in my mouth,

be it food, drink, nicotine gum, pens...

Are you thinking of something right now to put in your mouth? I am, yeah.

What do you want to put in your mouth now? I want to put in something minty.

LAUGHTER

If I put my... If I walk past you with my thumb like this,

you'd be on it? I'd be on it. OK.

Like a rat up a kilt.

LAUGHTER

Oh, that quaint old Scottish saying!

LAUGHTER

OK. Judgment time. In terms of objects... Yes.

..it's party time for Charlotte, because she's not in last place.

Whoo. Cos I didn't find Lee's, um, Twix plank

in the slightest bit annoying.

One point to Lee.

The alarm clocks - you've got to get up,

you can't be suspended in time, you're a busy actress.

Pull yourself together. Two points.

Thanks. Doubled her normal tariff. Well done, Charlotte.

Um, I, uh, found Mike's nipple charming.

Three points is as best you'll get from me.

Here we go, then.

Sarah, you double-layered it - you were annoying, it's annoying.

Four points.

So, because of a shared dislike

of children being free to express themselves,

Jamali takes five sweet points.

Well done, Jamali. Appreciate that.

APPLAUSE

Right. On with the first task proper, please, Alex.

Right you are.

And this one might just take the wind out of someone's sails.

Ooh.

Have a seat. Welcome on board.

Thank you, Alex.

Hello.

"Fart.

"Fartest wins.

"Your time starts now."

Not a lot going on at the moment.

Have you tried yet?

At the moment there's no...

..no gas in the tank. So to speak.

Is there any way of putting gas in the tank?

Well, I wonder. There was a guy at primary school...

I think he used to have various brewing positions he used to swear by.

A lot of them involve sort of... sort of, kind of...

..sort of positioning yourself like this, and so on.

Cos maybe there wasn't gas in the...

See if I can encourage it to go the other way.

Try and massage the inner...

..the inner Mike.

I didn't know you could do this.

Neither did I.

I'm going to leave you to it for the moment.

You carry on. Yeah. We're now in a different season.

RAIN POURS

LAUGHTER

Right.

Well, occasionally in this show,

we have set tasks just to one solitary person.

Yeah. And you thought you might see Mike fart.

Do you know what bugs me about this task?

I've always got one in the bank ready to go.

LAUGHTER

You can't just summon that bad boy up, no?

I mean, it's a... It's a frequent event, absolutely.

But it's not... I mean,

I don't have the Sarah Kendall -

"Now, tick-tock, it's fart o'clock..."

LAUGHTER

I'm at the mercy of, you know, of internal happenings.

Yeah. So we will keep an eye on his fart brewing throughout the episode.

Oh, good, there's more to come, yeah? Well, he hasn't farted yet.

Is there a task

that everybody can take, uh, part in as well as farty-party Mike?

There is, and coincidentally this one is a little bit arty-farty.

Here we go.

Hello, Jamali. Hey.

Oh. How was it in there?

It was nice. It's actually not a bad caravan.

Good luck with it. Thank you.

Should I? Yes, please.

Hmm-mm.

"Make the best portrait of the Taskmaster on this door

"only using your feet."

"You have ten minutes."

Hang on, using only your feet?

Does that mean getting the lids off as well?

Oh, all the information's on the task.

"Your time starts now."

All right.

But I can pick this up? With your feet.

Oh, I have to use my feet to pick this up?

It's up to you how you interpret it.

Can I take my shoes off?

I mean, I'm not taking my shoes off for anybody.

All right.

Oh, my God.

LAUGHTER

My bad.

Right.

When you, um, stamped on the paint with all your might,

you seemed surprised that it...

Yeah, I just didn't... I didn't think it would shoot out that much.

Do you know what it is? I forget how big I am.

Do you know what I wrote down?

"Is your bathroom covered in toothpaste?"

LAUGHTER

"Bet your mum never says, 'Jamali, could you help me

"'get the lid off this jam?' cos she's had too many walls ruined.

Let's... Let's see some of the responses to this task.

OK, well, it's a simple task.

Paint a picture, but the twist is, you have to use your feet.

That's the task. Paint a picture, but with your feet.

OK? Simple as that. No hidden catch.

Your feet.

As was clearly stated on the task.

So, anyway, here is Lee Mack all by himself.

Mm. What colour shoes does he usually wear - Greg?

Black. There's no black.

No. What's the nearest colour to black?

White?

No, that's the opposite of black.

Why are you putting it on the top of your feet?

Because I'm going to slide.

Oh, hello.

What colour trousers does Greg usually wear? Black.

Haven't got any black, have you? No.

Ah. Wait a minute.

Could you squirt red from the waist down, covering the complete back?

Just the trousers. Are you doing it? Yes.

Is it nicely covered?

Ye... Yeah.

OK, here we go.

I'm going back now.

Ooh, not as young as I was!

Argh!

What does he wear on top usually? A black jacket.

Let's go orange again, then.

OK. I think you'll be pleased with me.

Right.

I think I've done well.

Alex, would you come and pick the door up, please?

Get me so that the level of that is level

with the top of the trouser... If it's not, tell... Yes.

Is it? Is the level of the top of the...? Yes. Yes.

Well, do it, then, quick.

Ow!

Oh, gosh.

Lift it up.

Please. Please lift it up now!

Does this wash off, this paint?

Look about right? Yeah.

Ta-da.

Finished? Yeah.

WHISTLE Thank you, Lee.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Wow.

Your view of me is that I am you with a bigger belly.

If you're not counting talent, yeah. And looks. Yeah.

Very nice. This is his picture of you.

It's a pretty good painting, I think,

as a piece of art, and nature has taken care of forming my penis,

I see!

What a shame that you didn't adhere to any of the rules...

No, I did. ..and it doesn't look like me in the slightest.

I did adhere to the rules, cos I only used my feet.

He, he put it onto my back.

And I used my feet to sort of rock it onto my back.

What about the legs? I didn't... What? The legs and the hands.

Yeah, but where do the feet end?

You're saying this is all foot?

It's a grey area, isn't it?

Where do the feet end and the hands start?

Right. It's the end of part one,

but also time for a progress update

on Mike Wozniak's very personal challenge.

Pump, pump, pump again.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

The saga continues.

Hello, welcome back to Taskmaster.

What happened before the break, Alex? Before the break,

Lee Mack covered himself in paint and rubbed himself on a door.

Unlike Mike's task, we hadn't actually asked Lee to do that.

They're supposed to be painting a picture of the Taskmaster - that's you -

on the door provided, using only their feet.

Here's how the rest of them got on in a very moving montage.

Um, so what does Greg look like?

It's the eyebrows. That's the key to it, isn't it?

Do I get a picture for reference?

OK.

I've got a horrible feeling

I might have misinterpreted the instructions already, early doors,

but I'm a follower of rules.

HE GROANS LOUDLY

LAUGHTER

All right. Thank you.

That's, as a shape,

very helpful reference-wise, in terms of this...door.

Thank you, cos...especially considering

that's black and white and stuff, like, it's good,

cos you wouldn't want to make it too easy.

Are you really cross? Nope.

LAUGHTER

If I mix that in with the white...

Oh...

LAUGHTER

I've got it on my glasses.

So I've got the base down.

That's, uh... Oh, that's very Greg.

Just making a pink colour.

Start with a sort of key...

..key detail.

There we go.

It's all in the jawline, isn't it? And making the head into a quadrant.

I'm sort of interpreting it in terms of, like, abstract.

Some gorgeous hair there. Oh, boy!

Gorgeous.

OK.

Can't remember what colour his eyes are.

Green eyes look nice, don't they?

There we go.

Oh, yeah.

You'd drown in those eyes.

What else goes on a head?

Eyes, eyebrows, ears...

The...the hair is a mixture of...

There's a bit of grey in there, isn't there?

With the greatest of respect,

I've given him a sort of provincial, um, purple rinse.

That's the lips.

Let's give him a little pirate ear.

LAUGHTER

And what's the blue?

It's his aura.

That wasn't the plan.

Hopefully give him some stripy thorax.

Oh.

LAUGHTER

Yeah.

What is that bit? Tree.

He's sitting under a tree, thinking of tasks and shit.

Oh, God, he doesn't have a bloody nose, either.

WHISTLE BLOWS Thank you, SK.

OK. Thank you, Mike.

Sorry about the caravan.

It's not just the caravan, in the end, but thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Lovely. Well, there's two quotes

for the, uh, Taskmaster quote book, straight away.

Um, the idea of me sitting under a tree thinking of tasks and shit,

and, of course, Sarah's classic,

what else goes on a head?

LAUGHTER

Um, Jamali, it looks like you misread the task

and you thought it said, "Do a picture of Greg

"after his house has been hit by a drone strike."

LAUGHTER

No, it's the...

..it's...it's abstract, isn't it? Like, you know art, like,

when they put, like, a blob on a wall and they go...

That's what I was doing for you, you know? Yeah.

I enjoy Charlotte's ongoing campaign

to get a job as a children's TV presenter.

It's non-stop. Yeah.

My career might be over from this,

but not my career as a children's TV presenter.

No way, not with those moves! I can't wait.

Well, she said they were Year Six disco moves.

Did I say that? Mm-hm.

That was honestly my peak.

Can we see them? Yeah. We can still talk about them afterwards. Sure.

Should we start with Charlotte's picture? Yeah. This is what...

I mean, that... OK.

That is straight onto CBeebies, isn't it?

That's lovely, isn't it? Yeah, you can see the animation now.

That looks less like me

than Lee Mack's picture of himself.

Oh, disagree.

The specifics is that you're standing on a glass floor

and that you can see your footprints

and you're like, leaning, over

and it's a rippling reflection.

Oh, I see. Now...now you've put it in context... Yeah, now you get it.

..it does look like me. Yeah. So from the point of view of a fish

under a glass-bottom disco boat? It... Yes!

Yeah. Shall I show you Mike's? Yeah.

So bear in mind, he said

he's trying to represent the sternness in the eyebrows,

kissable lips, not an unattractive man.

LAUGHTER

It's terrifying.

I'm amazed because when he was squeezing the paint out

with his feet, it's like...the passion,

it's like he was giving birth.

But I thought, this is going to be amazing.

The eye...the distinctive eyebrows. Here we go.

I mean, what's that?! No, that's the bottom line,

this is the arts and crafts of... There's no...there's no skill there.

He said you're going to a party,

that's why you're wearing your bowtie and your special red party trousers.

LAUGHTER

Who's next? Well, Sarah said "This is a piece of piss.

"There's his little piggy nose," and she did this.

LAUGHTER

Oh, my God. Wow.

Now, that's not bad. That looks like a really mean baby.

There's a l...there's a look of me there. Why...?

Why did you pop the earring in?

I thought you had an earring. Oh.

I thought you had a large, hooped earring.

One more to see.

Jamali said it was so good you could take it to a gallery

and sell this shit. Here it is.

LAUGHTER

Energy. I like that.

Oh, God.

JAMALI: It's what it represents, it's not what it is, you know?

And what does it represent?

Below there is your blue aura,

which represents your sort of, like, masculinity.

And then you've got sort of like,

it melds in with the sort of reds,

which represents the passion you have for this game show.

And then you've got the green as well,

which represents your love of nature.

I mean, God, I'm so easily led. I, I....

I quite like it as a picture.

You've got to rate these five pictures of yourself.

Well, Lee's is a wonderful work of art,

but unfortunately, you didn't paint it with your feet.

He gets a point out of it. Oh. OK.

So one point to Lee Mack.

Um, now, let's all guess who's going to get two points.

It's got to be the It clown.

Course, it's Wozniak's rubbish clown. Mr Blobby. Two points.

Children's TV presenter, three points. Steady three.

Well done, Charlotte.

The question is, is it the baby genie that takes four points?

Or am I going to, uh, give five points to Jamali's madness?

Genuinely, hand on heart,

if I wanted people to see an artistic representation of me,

I would choose Jamali's.

Five points. There.

Jamali Maddix gets five points.

APPLAUSE

Have you got a scoreboard, please?

I do have a scoreboard.

Lee is not having a lovely episode.

Oh, no. He's on two points. Oh.

I'm having a disaster.

At the other end, Jamali Maddix is on ten points

and he's in second place in the series. Well done, Jamali.

What?

APPLAUSE

What's next, Alex?

Well, it's a naughty, naughty team task.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Hi, team. Hi, Al.

Wow. Really cool. Yeah, my one don't fit.

No, I can see that.

Want to read it? No, you can read it. It's fine. Are you sure?

Yeah, no. It's cool.

"Vandalise this wall.

"Most creative vandalism wins."

You have 20 minutes. Your time starts now.

Right. Jacket off for this.

The possibilities are endless, the canvas vast.

What will they do? You're going to have to wait to find out.

It's time for a break now,

but is time for a windbreak?

SAD STRING MUSIC

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Hello, welcome back to the third part of tonight's show.

Thanks, Greg. It's good to be back.

We are now one and a half hours into Mike's attempt.

The crew had gone to lunch.

Before the break, vandalism was the name of the game, although,

of course, vandalism is not a game, it's extremely bad

and this is a light entertainment show that would never condone it.

Also, shout out to our excellent lawyers.

Here's how the two teams did trying to achieve the most creative

vandalism of our wall.

So, yeah, I've... Have you got a tag? A sweet tag? A... What's a tag?

Tag the graffiti, the sort of signature.

Oh, your signature? Yeah.

Whoa! Yeah. Is it cool if I just start fucking it up?

What about do Alex? We'll draw Alex.

We know that Banksy uses... A stencil? ..a stencil.

Would you be willing to put a mask on and let us spray you

to get the outline of your body?

I've got an idea.

Oh! Aww!

Oh, wow, look at you. Sweet as a peach.

Well, we're going to use you as a stencil.

Is that all right?

Now, that's just for my own amusement.

Hello, sir. This one, I'm going to put this one... Ooh, right.

Can we set this on fire? Can we get a blowtorch, please?

Step away, please.

Yeah, that's... Bad, isn't it?

I think your yellow's good. If you want to fill in these gaps

with yellow, I think your yellows are more...crafty.

I'm quite pleased with that. Very relaxing.

Write his name and then something offensive at the bottom. All right.

I know, what about this, "Alex Horne is a..."?

And then we don't put anything,

and we let the passers-by creatively add to it.

Oh! Oh, my God!

Epic! Yeah, it hit me in the dick.

Nice that. Thank you, team. Thank you.

That's my first graffiti.

Done it. WHISTLE

OK, you can go away now. Thanks.

We'd better go before the fuzz get here.

Woo-woo!

Wow.

Talk me through your, uh, two-man system.

We... We just sort of s...started.

The stencil idea appeared and then, we, we were away.

We were just channelling after that.

So I became Banksy's Girl with Balloon.

Yeah.

United Kingdom's number one favourite artwork, voted recently.

Can, can I just point out, it was Mike that wrote, "Street tough!"

And not me. I want to disown myself from, "Street tough!"

That was not me. That's my sweet tag. Yeah.

What I like about it is, it's colourful and it pleases

the eye, and it also tells you so much about the men that did it.

Well, do you want to compare that to the team of three?

Yeah, come on, let's see that. This is what they did.

Oh, that's... that's just disgusting.

You went properly Lord Of The Flies, that team did. Yeah, we did.

Cos I think vandalism is true destruction of, of state and property, innit?

So that's what we went for.

And is this your slogan?

"Is it OK for me to start fucking it up?"

Yeah, cos it's, it's, it's, it's just pure utter destruction

with politeness. Yeah. You know?

And the politeness was taking care of by Charlotte.

Guess who? Who, once she'd, uh,

knocked a paint-covered ball into your penis, went, "Epic!"

Didn't it feel horrid when I said that?

So horrible. "Epic!" And then you said, "S...", no, because...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. ..ow.

And it wasn't like TV, "Oh, no, it hit my dick."

No, it hit me straight in the dick. Yeah, actually, what followed was minutes of pain.

It was horrible, yeah. I don't think I can conceptualise

what that feels like, but... That was not nice. ..I'm sorry.

It's, it's not cool.

I feel that if you're going to vandalise something, it has to...

I mean, what you guys did was vandalism to the point of, "They're

"going to repair that within 24 hours, cos that's just unsightly."

Whereas ours, they have might gone, "Is it art? Is it vandalism?

"Let's keep it up." Yeah.

So our vandalism makes more of a statement for longer.

Bit more Banksy. Yeah, like Banksy, you know. You went far more Banksy.

It's going to be on T-shirts, that thing.

There was only one piece of creative vandalism up there

and it was these two tragic, middle-aged men.

And I'm going to give them five sweet points each. Whoa!

These ASBOs, yeah, I'm only giving you this one point

because Charlotte shouted, "Epic!" during it.

So one point to Sarah, one to Jamali, one to Charlotte.

Five to the naughty, creative, middle-aged men.

Yes, please!

All right. One more, please, Alex.

Of course, and this really is a first-class task.

Hey. Oh. Hi, there, Sarah. Hello. Hey, how's it going?

Welcome to First Class.

Hello, Lee. Fall for that.

Ooh.

I'm not used to this.

Besides, you know, it's the worth the money, innit?

"Identify the contents of the battered items

"in this fish and chips order."

"You may lick and sniff all of the items."

Oh, my God.

"You may bite into two."

"You may squeeze one bet...

"oh, between your elbows."

Between your elbows?

"You may really stamp on one."

"Really stamp." "Really stamp."

"Really stamp on one."

Why can't...? "You may stamp on one."

Aye, you've got to really stamp on it. Oh, right.

"You may look at one through a magnifying glass."

"You may put one in a glass of water."

"Most correctly identified items wins.

"You have ten minutes, your time starts now." OK.

Um...

side note - I think I can manage my previous challenge.

And I just scared it off. On a... On a stamping mat?

On a stamping mat.

Oh, no, scared it off.

I've scared it off.

I got too big for my boots and I announced it.

"I've scared it off"?

Yeah, I've just got to wind my neck in sometimes.

Might help you fart, doing that. Yeah.

Right. Pretty clear what we've got to do here.

OK, well, we're going to see Mike again and also Sarah Kendall.

Smells of batter. Oh. Smells of batter.

Smells of batter.

Well, I can definitely smell batter.

That tastes of batter.

Define lick.

To scent something with your tongue.

I mean, it's tempting to sort of stamp on one a bit.

Not really stamp on it, just sort of, you know...

Why aren't you licking? I see you're licking.

What? Whoa, you licked that one hard.

That's grape.

And that was... That was just one big lick, was it?

Yeah.

I'm going to stamp on you. Really stamp on it, please.

So we're going to stamp on...

Really stamp. Really stamp, uh...

OK, this one.

Well, I really stamped on that.

Egg.

Oh, you prick!

I think it's a boiled egg.

Oh. Yeah.

Yeah, it's a...

Naked elbows or...? I mean, bare elbows, or what we talking?

Oh!

Hello. Hello.

So I'm guessing it was a kiwi fruit.

It's a kiwi fruit.

It's a jam doughnut.

Can I lick that?

Ooh! No, maybe it's a jam tart.

Jammy doughnut.

It's a kiwi fruit.

HE MUMBLES

Oh, my God.

What the hell is that?!

Hang on, that's a...

Wallet?

Oh, my God. It's a wallet.

It's a wallet. It's a wallet.

SHE SNIFFS Oh!

That is the worst smell that I have ever... Is it?

Hard to see any identifying features.

I think this might just be a clump of batter.

Doesn't reveal much.

Mm, I see your method.

Well, I'm just putting it in the water.

Just like it says in the rules.

I have a horrible feeling this is just batter.

And this is...

um...

an uninflated balloon.

That smell inside the wallet,

I don't know how that smell was achieved.

I've never smelt anything worse.

I found it fascinating that you said that, the most disgusting smell,

and then went back in for a second smell. Oh, repeatedly!

I was there for about 15 minutes.

Quite a contrast between the two reactions.

Yeah, didn't seem to bother you at all. I've eaten worse.

It's worth pointing out, to anyone who doesn't know, that Mike used to be a doctor.

And you had all of the gravitas of a doctor whilst

dropping batter in and out of a pint glass.

That was the old trick, back in the day. Yeah?

Until they flushed me out. Fair enough.

I think Mike was a bit confused. When he found the wallet, he thought

everything else would be inedible as well. So he... Yeah.

..found three and a half things correctly.

Right. Out of the six.

Sarah did better.

What do you want to say about her licking technique?

You were only meant to lick them,

and she inserted her tongue and sort of... Well...

..ripped the batter off it with her tongue.

I didn't rip the batter off it with my tongue.

Well, you licked it aggressively. I licked it hard.

You inserted your tongue.

She pushed her tongue through the batter?

Yes, to reveal the grape.

In a licking motion?

Well, she turned her back on us.

Cos I didn't want that on film.

But I lifted a little bit of batter off whilst licking,

so I did hook my tongue under a little bit of batter to...

But that was still in a licking motion.

Have you got quite a sort of rough, sandpaper tongue? I do have...

Like a cat? Mm.

I'm going to let her get away with her aggressive grape lick. OK.

Well, in that case, she got five out of six.

She didn't... Oh, wow. ..correctly identify the pie. OK. Who's next?

Well, it's time to see Lee Mack 'n' cheese and Charlotte Rich Tea.

Batter. Yeah, that's batter one.

That, to me, looks like a lemon.

Uh... OK. Didn't help me at all.

That's told me nothing, so let's try, um, biting into two.

I call that the non-vegan egg.

I'm going to bite into this one, which feels like such a bad move,

but also, I sort of hope it's a brownie.

If it turns to be like a bit of leather or something...

I don't think you'd do that. It would be... OK.

Right.

It's a wallet.

That's a wallet, you weirdo.

I mean, it's a wallet.

So, did you get the message that I'm a vegan?

"Yeah, I got a message that you're a vegan.

"It's just egg and a leather wallet."

Aw, God.

Kiwi.

Delicious? No.

I just got, like, scraps of hair from the outside of it.

I'm going to go for jam.

Scrawny, but sharp.

Aww, an egg!

Oh, my God!

Oh, that's so unhelpful!

Like, you've got to really stamp on it.

I am really doing it. It's not an illusion.

Well, that's, that's a kiwi fruit, that.

I think that's just batter.

Batter deep-fried in batter.

What's the point of that?

Why didn't you say, "You can just look really closely"?

Oh.

Shame that, cos I want to eat that.

And I'm going banana.

What are you?

Oh, no.

Oh. Mm-mm, I didn't bite it, I licked it.

You're...you're licking it, are you? Mm-hm. Internally.

You can lick internally, as long as you don't bite it.

Look, it's all solid. Mm-hm.

I'm going to say that's lemon as well.

Two lemons in the end?

I'm going to say an eraser.

An eraser?

Yeah. No, a razor.

Oh, a razor. Yeah.

So a razor blade?

No, no.

Eraser, like a rubber. Eraser.

Eraser? Yeah.

Lychee.

Thank you, Lee. You're welcome.

APPLAUSE

We did know that he was a vegan, right? Yes.

I should take some responsibility here.

I thought wallets would be all right.

Yeah, because they're famously nothing to do with animals, are they, leather wallets?

Seems unlikely that an animal could be a leather wallet.

He puts up a strong argument.

I do need to say, it wasn't a leather wallet.

It was a plastic wallet. I mean, egg's clearly not vegan.

Are you responsible for this?

I'm so sorry, Lee, about making you eat those foods.

I was... Listen, I'm, I'm 99% that,

I'm not the full vegan yet because I keep...

I'll, I'll lick a wallet.

Yeah.

Charlotte, you were totally on it, you weren't vaguely

phased out by biting into a wallet. No.

I did say, I think, that

there's no way it could be leather.

And then bit immediately into leather. So that was quite... Like a premonition.

She did well, except for thinking we'd hidden two lemons in them...

Yeah. ..for some reason. So, she got four out of six.

Lee got kiwi, egg, wallet.

There was no jam, lychee or banana, so he got three out of six.

OK. Mm-hm. I'll take that. Right.

In the next part, someone will win the episode and then, remember,

it means they've got to take home lots of annoying prizes.

Still, could be worse. Hey, Mike?

Hello, Mike. Hello.

The plane has been booked by someone else now.

You have to leave the plane.

Lovely. I feel ashamed. Sorry.

Still time. I'll keep working on it.

Hello, and welcome back to the last part of the show,

and never has a nation been so gripped

by one man's battle with his bowels.

Will he succeed?

Is this what will make Mike Wozniak a household name?

Will his efforts bring our broken nation back together?

Only time will tell. But, for now, there's a task to complete.

Yes, there is. A first-class deep fat frying mystery task.

They've got to work out what's inside the batter,

but with limited access to the interiors.

We've seen everyone assault our battering,

bar one, and his name is Jamali.

I'm going to stamp on this one.

You have to really stamp on it, Jamali.

A wallet?

Oh, it's got a receipt.

It's a wallet with a receipt.

Ooh, here we go.

In the batter, there's a...

An apple and blackberry pie,

a boiled egg, kiwi fruit,

a grape - individual - and a wallet.

That's what's in all of these.

There's one extra item, I think, there.

Batter. Oh. In the batter?

Yeah. There's batter in the batter.

Thank you, Jamali. All right, bro.

LAUGHTER

Ooh. Bravo! That is incredible.

Absolutely knocked it out of the park.

I've been pretending I've never seen this show.

I'm a big fan of the show and I know...

This is where you revealed yourself.

This is where I revealed I'm actually a huge fan of the show.

Did you think that was the task?

To just open the wallet and then crack on?

No, I realised I found the short cut, but it's just, like,

if I see a wallet, if I see something,

I just feel to open it

because I feel like it's going to be some message inside.

Amazing gameplay. He just takes it.

Jamali gets the full five points.

Sarah came next, she gets four,

Charlotte, three, Mike, two,

Lee just the one. HE SIGHS

But next... But mainly, it's five points to Jamali Maddix.

At this stage, we normally do the final task. Yeah.

But we're going to have one last Mike check.

Ooh, a little farty party, yeah?

Here we go.

You can go and clean yourself off, if you want. Thanks, Alex.

Any... Nothing else you're able to do at this stage?

Well, in fact, I mean, maybe if I had a moment.

It could... It could... It could...

Could do, if something happens.

I mean, it must be possible, right?

What changed? What changed?

That was an excellent, real effort.

SQUISH!

Hear that? It was a tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny little pop.

I've stopped the clock. Wow.

Not very satisfying.

Yeah, quite a long wait for that.

And I think I probably need to check myself.

Anyway, so, I'll see you later?

THEY LAUGH

Please, tell me you put a sound effect,

or is that the genuine noise? That's the genuine noise. That's the...

It's one of the worst things I've ever heard in my life.

I can talk you through what I think happened, if you want.

Well, I-I... It's not... It's not pleasant.

I... I don't need you to, cos you've clearly shat yourself.

THEY LAUGH

That's what I thought.

There was a passage of air,

so, uh, like the flatus had gone through... Task, tick.

What in... What in fact I'd done is I'd, uh, dislodged

a haemorrhoid that had been, uh...

Aw, god. ..sat there for quite a long time. Oh, my God!

That's... That's what you're hearing. Oh, God.

You're hearing that moving through my anal canal.

THEY LAUGH

And, uh... That's a haemorrhoid popping out?

And back out into the outside in full bloom.

It's still flapping about to this day.

You... It's still loose?

Oh, it's an absolute casserole down there.

THEY LAUGH Oh, my God!

Oh, my gosh.

Awful. But you get a task, you do the task.

No matter the price. Oh, my God.

Also, Greg, when he does it, you must've been aware something

had come out, but still were so happy that you'd achieved the task.

His little face!

Just have a look at his little face. Yeah, let's have a look.

SQUISH!

THEY LAUGH

It's so counterintuitive, isn't it?

Cos in any other situation, you'd go, "I hope no-one heard that."

And it's the complete opposite. "Did you get it?"

THEY LAUGH

Um, Greg, do you want to give him a point at all?

Gee, we've got to give him something.

I mean, his family aren't staying around after that.

No-one's going to begrudge him a bonus point.

How many are we giving him? No. Oh, no. Just one. One, OK.

Yeah, one per haemorrhoid is fine.

OK, so one haemorrhoid and one point... Yeah. ..to Mike Wozniak.

Yeah. Thank you.

Right, let's have a glance at the scores. OK.

As if anything matters any more.

In terms of the series, that point, I think he will agree, was worth it.

Mike's now in second place. Right.

We've got Sarah on 103, Mike on 84, Jamali 83,

Lee slipped back into second last with 78, Charlotte on 67!

Wahey!

In this episode, we have joint second place.

That's Sarah and Mike with 13, but the leader is Jamali.

He's not won an episode yet, but he's on 16 points! Romping ahead.

All right, everyone.

Please, make your way to the stage for the final task of the show.

Hi, everyone. Hello. Who's going to read it?

I'd like Jamali Maddix to read the task, please.

Very good.

"Tie the very ends of the string to the arms of the glasses,

"then put the glasses on. Fastest wins."

Simple task. You've got a padlock there with four numbers.

You've got to crack the code.

Good luck. So it's fastest wins.

Your time starts...

WHISTLE BLOWS

The Taskmaster may give you a clue.

Could you give us a clue, please, Taskmaster?

MCMLXVIII.

He loves his Roman numerals. Always has done.

Hey, could you put that in a sum for me, Greg?

Certainly. 123 times 16.

Oh. Is that real, or are you joking?

123 times 16? Just double it.

Double it, double it, and double it again.

Oh, shut up. Sorry? What? Pardon?

Double it, double it, and double it again?

If you want. 123 times 16? Yep.

What's your favourite film, Greg?

Planet of the Apes.

I remember the year when that was released.

Well, what year was it released?

So the, the 123 ti...

What? Times 16. 123 times 16?

The year I was born.

The year you were born?

BALLOON SQUEAKS

You were born the same year as Lee, weren't you? I was.

That was handy.

I don't know how to do maths.

LAUGHTER

HE GRUNTS

I'm 52.

So, let's go back. 2010...

Only two people have opened their boxes.

Well, I can't remember the end now.

Is that the end?

Yes, we have one completed person.

APPLAUSE

Oh-ho! Oh!

Oh, no. oh, the violence.

You've... You've broke it. It's off, it's off.

Wow. Mike, can you finish the task?

I think so.

The very ends of the string, please.

The ends of the string, is it?

The task is tie the very ends of the string.

Good stuff. Good stuff.

It is quite exciting over here. It's Charlotte versus Jamali here.

It's whoever can find the other end of the string first.

It's the string. You're there.

Do me a favour, guys.

APPLAUSE

Ooh. Oh. Oh, cool as a cucumber.

WHISTLE BLOWS And we have five completed tasks.

Different methods. Points for everyone.

Come down here, and we'll see how that's affected the final score.

APPLAUSE

Hi, there! They cracked the code, they tied the string to the glasses.

They did indeed. And?

And Lee Mack did it fastest.

He did? Don't sound so surprised. Lee gets five points.

The slowest was Jamali, then Charlotte,

Sarah gets three points, but Mike Wozniak gets four points.

Which means... Oh! Ooh.

He was in the lead.

Jamali is still in the lead, but with Mike.

They've both got 17 points!

ALL: Ooh!

Tie break. Tie break!

Ooh. How are we going to find out a winner, Alex?

Yes, it's with a TIE BREAK, Greg.

It's a tie break, and one in which I was a big, brave boy

because they had to fire as many rubber bands

as possible into my dangerously positioned bum bag.

They had two minutes, so here's how they got on.

Aw, shit. All right, well...

No, that went the wrong way.

No. Sorry. Ooh. Quite powerful.

Ooh.

Aw. Not a single one so far, I'm afraid.

All right, OK.

Things are getting worse rather than better.

Oh, I got one in!

WHISTLE BLOWS Thanks. You can leave now.

OK. See you later. See you.

Yes, two excellent flingers, Greg. There's no doubt about that.

But it wasn't close. Yeah.

Mike got one rubber band into my bum bag.

Jamali got seven.

There it is. Jamali Maddix wins. CHEERING

Please, go and annoy yourself with your annoying things.

Yay!

So, what have we learned today?

As if you don't know.

This is what we've learned today.

SQUISH!

See you again soon. For now, though, here's tonight's winner once more.

Jamali Maddix!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media